I can't remember

If it was a moment

Or all eternity 

In your arms 

Somehow, you make time stop

The world falls away

And I am astounded 

Because I am tugged in all directions

All the time

But with you I am present

I am a constant churn

Of what's next 

Who needs me 

Being torn and grabbed

But with you the world falls away 

Ev...

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When the sun streams through the sky scrapers

I sit in my concrete park and think about you

And I shiver in the January air

But it feels appropriate

I think of the way I shivered

The first time you touched my arm 

And you didn't see 

Because I hid it well

Not the first brush

Not a bump or a stumble 

But a firm grasp as you tried to reassure me

Or tell a j...

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It's you

It has always been you

And I was foolish 

To think otherwise

Even for a moment

You who inspires poetry

You who fits perfectly

You who stays up

All night 

So I'm okay

It's not that big a deal

You say

As you force your eyes

To break their glaze 

And smile

I love you

I was forged

To love you

Not made, never made 

I recre...

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I feel this longing in my chest

Like I can't breath 

Like tightness 

Wrongness

I close my eyes 

And imagine being teleported

To where you are

Wherever you are 

Life feels fake

Or wrong

Like some dream

Something is off

I can't take your hand 

I can't smell your skin

I can't curl up

And bask in you

But I feel like

I can sense you...

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You are a need

I know that now

I mapped every inch

Of this convoluted

Fucked up life

Need or want

Need or want

Can I go without you?

I curl up with your shirt

To warm for wear, 

But unable to let go

The world is still

There is a point in exhaustion

Where you reach calm 

Self actualization

Or sleep deprivation

Who kn...

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If I make enough mashed potatoes

And I bake enough banana bread

And if it all looks inviting 

Maybe it won't hurt so much

If I keep my hands moving

And I keep my lips smiling 

And everything looks perfect 

Maybe I won't notice 

Maybe I won't realize 

The ache that fills my chest

And the feeling in my stomach

Like if you ask my how I'm doing, I'll puke 

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I am diving to drown in you

What a statement

From my experience

And there's plenty of it

No one really wants to drown

We're either looking for the life guard

Or running away from land

Desperately

I elected to drown in you

I chose this path 

I felt you

Saw you 

And ran head first

Pleading 

But is it really a choice 

Or  magnetism at its finest 

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Loving you is easy 

Leaving him is hard

Loving you is easy 

Like breathing spring air 

After a long winter

My favorite scent, invigorating, yet safe

Leaving him is hard 

Like self-surgery 

Dissecting every ounce of me

And cutting flesh with my own hand

Loving you is easy

Like a nap on a summer's day

After a cool shower 

In silk sheets

L...

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Phantom fingers

Make me theirs

Each time I close my eyes 

How I ache

Where you left marks

Gentle bruises, sore and strained 

I can't unsee you 

Or unfeel you 

Touching me, filling me 

A need so strong 

It takes on life

And drives me off the rails

There is only you 

You to drown in

You to cling to

You to crave

Beyond all reaso...

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I fall to my knees in the pantry

And weep

Because I'm going to leave him for you

Some day

I'm scared I will

I know I will 

And I play out the conversations in my head

Telling him

Telling our loved ones

Causing him pain

Saying goodbye to him

Our last kiss

Every couple has a last kiss

But it turns out until death do us part

Was ...

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I am not okay

Right now

And it's hard

Because I feel like I screamed

"I will not be okay, if you do this,

Please don't"

And it's so hard to say that, ever

But I did

Over and over 

And you did it anyway, all of you

Each one of you

Independently decided

To ignore that statement

Other things were more important

And perhaps they were

I c...

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My love is mine 

And I am his 

No truer statement 

Can I breath

Though ne'er have these words 

Held resonance 

Nor have I cared 

To feel distilled 

To rely on

To be linked to  

To be limited 

To be boxed 

But my love is mine

And I am his 

It is not an ideal or sentence 

Nor is it value-based 

It is fact

Short and plain

Blame...

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It hurts

In my chest, it hurts so much 

When he isn't there

But he's right across from me

Then I think about how much it hurts

When he's present

And sweet

And wants to hold me through the night

And I cling to him

For all the things I wanted to be

For all the things I wished for

For all the things I thought we were

And it's safe here

In his arms...

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And I'm comfortable

Sitting on your parents couch

Laying in your childhood bed

The referential jokes your mother makes 

That I actually understand now 

And I ask about each relative

Having done my best to memorize

The names and facts and face

I've become almost-family

An in-law

I come in and your mom remembers

To get me allertec 

As we comment on the f...

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I've had electric before

Electric is nice

Electric is tingles 

Electric is yummy

When my lips touch your skin

And my eyes close with satisfaction 

But you are a grandfather clock

And yes

I'm a poet 

Who's bad at analogies

Touching you

Is feeling everything fall

Exactly into place

Everything clicks

Like gears 

Made to fit each ot...

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Without you,

I don't feel whole.

I'm not sure when 

I became a part,

when I came apart,

but now, I am half. 

And every breath 

without you

is labored,

long and held,

in anticipation 

of your return.

My mind is clouded,

every unconscious thought

one of you. 

Waiting. 

Wanting. 

Unfinished. 

I am a part, 

apart from you. 

Ret...

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I am full of holes

Riddled with bullets 

Peppered with wounds

Parts of me gaping

Emptiness and scars

Air ringing with gunshots 

Only I can hear 

Flashbacks and flashbangs 

How do you put down the pain

When it defined you

When the stark contrast,

Of safe, not-safe 

Was all you had,

How do you learn to be alone

How do you quiet the child

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You weigh in my mind

Like the feather that tipped the scale

Your presence lingers where you sat

And spoke

And lay

And laughed

You have consumed me

I lay here knowing

You once lay there

Knowing you lay sleeping

Far from me

Knowing soon is your waking hour

Though I have yet to sleep

As though to dream

Would be to miss my thought...

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my body

warm from your touch

shivers

as wind crashes against

my bare legs

the landscape is crisp

and clear

farmland

colored like stained glass

the air is harsh in my lungs

early december nights

smell like fire

although I see no smoke

the full moon

and the fluorescent street lamps

fool me

into thinking dawn is dancing

just below t...

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I am taking myself

Down off these walls

I will leave no imprint

But I was here

I felt the air

And breathed existence

And I took pictures for verification

But seemingly not enough

I listened to the birds

Singing in the dead of night

Who knew 3am

Was the morning?

I hung the posters

Then scraped off tape

I came

I made

I lived

And on...

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There is something sitting on my chest

you cannot see it, but it is there

the tightness in my lungs will surely stop my breathing

the pressure crashing down will surely be my end

and my ever shaking hands will surely give me away

No one look

stomach hold your fire, forehead hold your sweat

find the door. where’s the door? there is no door!

Sinking

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i set up my smile

i put on my face

using my tool box

i paint, i create

the girl that you see

takes a whole lot of time

to be put together

to say “oh, I’m fine”

the girl in the mirror

is not what’s inside

the girl in the mirror

is trying to hide

the glistening teeth

and the curve of her lip

are merely illusions

they do not exist

wi...

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Shame me

And I will eat you

I will eat every last bite

And chew your gristly old flesh

It will be tough

By hey, i'm a big girl

Eating is a special talent of mine

As you so aptly pointed out

Shame me

And I will eat you

And I will grow

I will eat anyone who dares

Dares to shame me

Dares  to shame anyone

Until this size 16 ass

Is a size...

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One day

I will treasure nights like these.

But for now walks through hell

don't seem like wild fantasies.

Beloved memories,

I'll love you later.

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I tap my fingers

while thinking of you

your face plays in my head

a tired tune

over and over

a record

I turn you

music in my mind

I cannot ignore you

I drum my heart

to the beat of your breath

you lungs drawing inward

pull my heart from my chest

forwards and backwards

you pull me

you push me

clueless to my plight

I alm...

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