I see her every morning

And she runs without warning

In her arms is her lollypop

and no one dares ask her to stop

She's running for good reason

As it's definitely the season

To run with the tide

But for her, there's definitely nowhere to hide

She's running late 'tis lady lolly

Amongst the herd is our Polly

The stream of kids is never ending

But it's her b...

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Down On Candy Cane Lane
Several Elves Burst Into Flame
Rudolph Was Sad
But, Santa Was Mad
Knowing Spiked Eggnog Was To Blame.

Santa Put The Drink On A Shelf
Too High Up For Any Elf.
But, The Elves Formed A Plan
And Hired A Man
Who Took And Drank It Himself.

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Visit me at Medium.com

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A Grave Mistake!

Alf and Elsie - such a pair. Inseparable, throughout.

A paragon of ‘love and care’ (no shadow of a doubt).

Down’t pit until retirement, Alf was ‘Yorkshire, born and bred’.

Which met his wife’s requirement (strong int th’arm and thick int th’ead!)

But, after sixty years of bliss, came by ‘that dreadful day’

when Alfie, with a tender kiss, sent Elsie ‘on ...

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A laughing Parrott ate a carrot as
an Elephant climbed up a tree,
he was chased by a Mouse who wore a Pink blouse and liked to swim in the Sea,
A Lion passed by who flew his kite in the sky while singing to two dancing Llamas, 
and a juggling Giraffe was taking a bath while wearing his woolly Pyjamas! 

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A Gorilla wore a tutu,
while he baked a giant pie,
and watched a bright pink Cuckoo
doing backflips in the sky,
a Monkey stroked a Llama,
a Zebra drove a bus,
while eating three bananas
because one was not enough,
a hippo flipped a pancake,
while he watched tv,
then there came a flying Snake
dancing with a Bee!

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I saw a Hippopotamus going to the fair,
wearing pink pyjamas with a bow up in his hair,
he was followed by a Zebra who was wearing bright
blue socks,
a Chimp and a Koala bear, wearing matching frocks,
they climbed into the teapots looking quite a sight,
and a little old man spat out his teeth as they gave him quite a fright!

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Coco the clown went sailing one day 
to a holiday destination far far away

Suddenly, the sky went dark and the wind did blow
and the waves beneath his boat did grow and grow

He lost his oars as the winds blew and blew
so he paddled his way with his size 50 shoe.

Through a telescope he saw an island far away in the distance
and he made it to shore with his skill and persistence

A gr...

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noodles are 25p a pack

all the super markets sell own brand mock super noodles really cheap

I stock up on them 

they are trolley fillers

they are cupboard fillers 

tummy fillers

noodles are an all time winner 

hungry?

lets have Noodles for dinner

Noodles she says 

Happy days

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Oh, nature's beautiful green
Where dogs love to sit

Circling around, stomping their feet
To find comfort where they see fit

When satisfied, go ahead, proceed!
release thy dirtiest, no one forbid

Scratch thy ground in search for dirt
To cover thy foul from face of the earth

Nature's beautiful green
Where dogs love to sit

Oh, excitement filled my body
My heart starts to beat

...

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If you’re walking by the bushes

at the end of the lane

you may hear a little quack

as the sun begins to wane.

You may look for the water

where the ducks might be,

but there’s no-one in sight

just the rustling of the leaves.

Would you believe

the quack that you heard

was the sound of an owl,

a sad little bird.

“A quacking owl?”

I hear you exclai...

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In the deep dark woods

lived a great brown bear,

he was seven feet tall

but the townsfolk didn’t care

for although the bear was huge

and had fangs and long sharp claws,

all the people would make fun of him

and point out his big flaw.

Have you ever met a bear

who had nothing much to say,

who couldn’t even growl

when he came outside to play?

Well, Bob was his...

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My friend Terrence

was a little happy sole,

he didn't need a kennel,

nor a house or a hole.

His home was a shell

that he carried on his back,

so that all he had to do

was drop down on the track.

Then he'd pull his head inside,

followed by his legs and feet

and he’d look inside the fridge

for something tasty to eat.

If it started raining

or got ...

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Have you ever heard the tale
about the hedgehog with no spikes,
such a sweet little boy
who all the other’s didn’t like?

A case of alopecia,
there was nothing they could do,
such a sad little hedgehog
who cried and cried, “Boo-Hoo”.

But soon the lad grew older,
he wanted to look more lush
so onto his back he tied himself
a little scrubbing brush.

His friends, well they just laugh...

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The lovely gels at The Daily Telegraph Wonder Women asked me to write a poem about contraception for their ace campaign Take Back Birth Control, which encourages women to explore which contraceptive method is the best for them. So I did; it's called Chisel.

I did a video in my living room starring me and my scary cushion and you can watch the video here. I...

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Our friend, Bob The Bun,

just loved to have fun

and exciting adventures galore,

he’d laugh all day

and jump and play

and roll around on the floor.

Its a very rare sight

to see a bun take flight

but one day he went flying so high,

he held onto a kite

by the tail, so he might

get to see the world from the sky.

Now, whilst he was high,

something low ca...

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Had a prompt from our writing group last time of "

If you dance to the music, you’ll find yourself…" so I thought I'd give it a go, although I've not mentioned the prompt anywhere in the piece!

If you dance to the music, you’ll find yourself…

I can’t dance.

Anyone that takes a glance

Will see me prance and realise

That I can’t dance.

My Macarena is more macaroni

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There was a black cat on a grave

He did not want to misbehave

He was abandoned there

And it was just not fair

But then he attended the Zombie Rave

This Limerick was inspired
by "Limerick Friday"/Facebook

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When dinosaurs walked tall on earth,
And Tesco was yet to be…
Women who wanted meat and shit
Relied on chaps like me…
We gathered up our clubs and spears,
And risked our very lives,
To bring back meat and furry skins
So as to get some loving from our wives…

But then, some bollix invented Tesco,
And the Dino’s all died out,
And things g...

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