In March 1914 an earwig held up 600 tonnes of rail traffic at Hounslow Station…

Earwig / Mighty Mite

When everything came to a stop
The signal said nothing should go
The hustle and bustle of London life
Was forced to slow down in Hounslow

They checked every inch of the line
For buckles and cracks in the track
But as nothing was found on the great underground
Not a train could go out...

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It must have been lost in the post
Never received it by email
Voicemail choked on its toast
Imps must have fouled-up the detail
Telegraph posts gnarled upended
And all carrier pigeons shot
Text messages tattered un-mended 
Impressively Morse lost its dots
Only left me with commiseration 
Not an invite to the coronation
 

 

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Prompt - why do middle-aged men bitch so much?

Grumpy Old-ish Men

There are many reasons for it
So I’ll mention just a few
Why do we fellas moan so much
Why do we bitch and stew?

Time is the biggest problem;
We’ve got too much somehow 
We don’t have to hunt to live 
Or mine coal or work the plough

And yet, by contradiction
Time brings a sense of dread
For we’ve likely more behi...

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Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield
Some days you're the spider, on others, the fly
Some days you're a mountain, on others a molehill
Some days, you're the fog. On others, blue sky

Some days you're a David, on others Goliath
But often you might fail to see which is which
Some days you're the slingshot, some days you're the target
Some days you're the tire, on others,...

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Tommy the turkey was tired totally tired, it's true as his tribe  - being tremendously tasty - tended to top the menu   Tom started out pretty tranquil He was quite the traditional type But rightfully got in a temper at some of that thanksgiving hype   He seemed to ge...

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There really wasn't any "if"
I'd ever get a lockdown quiff
No matter if I'd care to whinge
I had no fear of Covid fringe

Nor could I truly be afraid
of hair too much to bun or braid
or control with any kind of caper
an Ivy League or fade and taper

I'm pretty sure that most can tell
that slicked-back wouldn't suit me well
Colouring is not my style
A Mohawk wouldn't make me smile

I...

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(or "An Atheist in Heaven")

My journey's end was all too fast
I saw the bus, but damn and blast
my foot still stepped right off the kerb
and as it did, I found the nerve
to swear a bit and gasp and sigh
"God help me" was my last breath's cry

A selfish gesture, I'll admit
but there was no time for better wit
I was pretty sure my little plea
would not be made to come to be
when that b...

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I'm not sure what your aim was
or if you meant just what you said
But you've sent my eyes a-squinting
left and right inside my head

You've got me fairly flummoxed
and you've furrowed my flustered brow
I'm slightly bewildered and baffled
like a flabbergasted striped cow

You've sent me on the back foot
at a loss, unstuck and unglued
At sixes and sevens and out to lunch
puzzled, unzipp...

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She was a Phoenix and he was a Vampire
Both had inner passions they shared with delight
Although their relationship’s subject to satire
Their love was a fine blend of fire and fright

They rejoiced in the twilighted moments of gloaming
But they’d not wander out and about for too long
‘Cos he’d find his appetite grow whilst out roaming
And she would ignite and flame out a bit strong

She ...

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I am not a snollygaster
I'm a snollygaster's son
And I'm only gasting snollies
'til the snollygaster comes

You could call me a curmudgeon
I'm a scrimping-saving mite
Accuse me of being "watchful"
and I'll cheer in sheer delight

But I’ll not go cheese a-paring
- that could never be my fate
If you find me paring cheeses
you've arrived a bit too late

Never tell me that I'm chary
I'...

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I look at you and can but smile
and stand so smitten for a while
Your bleating sweetly does beguile;
I only have eyes for ewe

You always light up any field
You're so well-hooved and so well-heeled
Those shapely fetlocks make me yield
I only have eyes for ewe

You really do show style and sass
while ruminating on the grass
I wish I had your taste and class
I only have eyes for ewe

...

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There it is -
he's in

And, at 5pm, I took a celebratory drink.

I had aimed to be taking the first sip, immediately following the words
"So help me, God"
But in my haste not to soak in too much alcohol, news and drama
I set my alarm for 4.45pm (GMT)

I joined the live stream just before his speech
And was not disappointed

- what fine words and sentiments
Passionate, well crafted 
...

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The murmur of friendly chatter

The thuds and rattles
of heavy mugs and wayward knives on tables

The sizzle and smell of bacon

The intrusive noise of the coffee machine
ensuring everyone knows it's working hard
even if no-one else is

The dodgy teapot lids
sliding about
threatening to spill and scold

The ketchup and salad cream stand
upside down, on duty and ready to serve

Sa...

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That was his HAND, not his head!

He can't - he won't…
… surely they're not giving him that?!

Didn't the linesman see it?

Look at him celebrating.

Cheating Argentinian GIT!

That was the chorus and the consensus.

I was 12. Not a great football fan, but gutted nonetheless.

Then came the later goal.

A glorious display of tenacity and talent.

The chorus split - some admittin...

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“The forest was shrinking, but the trees kept voting for the Axe for the Axe was clever and convinced the Trees that because his handle was made of wood, he was one of them.” - Turkish Proverb.

 

The Axe

The trees ignored his sharpened blade
reflecting in the forest's glade
for surely he was one of them
a leader bold, a fighting gem

They voted for the axe

Admiring the wooden shaf...

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The woods still hold their magic;
mischievously they call
Our addiction is quite tragic
it often drives us up the wall

Thrice a week we head towards
a clearing in the trees
Light a woodless fire
and enjoy the eerie breeze

We're not sure why we do it
but we don our pointy hats
and on our way, I hate to say
kidnap the neighbours' cats

Sometimes we get a black one
but a siamese wil...

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No matter your patience
Or how long you wait
You can't change his motion
Or alter his gait

He'll scamper and shuttle
He'll dodge and he’ll weave
And just why he does it
You cannot conceive

Watch with some wonder
While rolling your eyes
He'll veer side to side
While you swallow your sighs

He won't get embarrassed
He won't feel ashamed
He's doing it his way
He will not be blamed
...

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Put us to good use and be wise                 

We liven up salads and pies                        

We’ll do you a favour                    

And add to the flavour                  

As a bonus, we moisten the eyes                             

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I cannot work out with my skull                 

How its locals do manage to cull               

But they start with four letters                  

Hack away like trend setters                      

And end up just calling it ‘Ul                       

                      

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Top
layers
do matter;
being spotted
from far horizons
as shining examples
might be a key to success.
But every brick does play its part
and it's the base that matters the most;
the tower stands tall with strong foundations.

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"What's with the head-patters?"

It's not normal behaviour, I'll admit.

It all looks a little OCD - a bit paranoid, perhaps.

But there's a bit of method in our madness.

You see - there's this thing called HOFS - Hair On Fire Syndrome.  And it's a strange vicious git.

Without knowing it, some of us have hair which spontaneously combusts.  We can be walking down the road, or sat quietl...

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We had a plan, we had a scheme
We thought it rather prudent
It was an algorithmic dream
But alas, it went quite mutant

How could we know it wouldn’t work?
It’s not like we were warned
But when set free, it went berserk 
That naughty sum was horned

On paper it looked tame enough
A dependable safe bet
But the boffins’ gentle bit of fluff
Was to be no teacher's pet

It looked so swee...

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Going to and fro with the water
Is tiresome work for a man
If you spill it, you’re bang out of order
Get it wrong and you’ll carry the can

I’m supposed to be balanced and steady
Aloof, calm and not spill a drop
But I have to be willing and ready
To go back where I’ve been with a mop

I’m not one for stereotyping
By star sign or background or creed
And I find myself drying and wiping
...

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Endless uneven steps
lead the way

No handrail here
Not now
Not then

Nothing to prevent a clumsy fall
onto unforgiving stone

Only the cold wall to try to cling to
as a metal-clad warrior rushes past
desperate to do his duty

Best hide your phone;
He’s not a fan and he is not averse 
to giving the odd unsuspecting tourist 
a shove if he’s that way out

I wouldn’t chance it

H...

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I’ll admit
I always liked the idea

of clever beings zooming around
in sleek swift spaceships
Somehow flying too slow to escape being spotted
but too quick to be discounted as alien

Even if they were really Earthlings
in classified military craft;
I can make space in my head to admire that

Worrying though that is
It’s kind of cool in its own way


But the latest breed of UFOs I h...

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I'll say no to the tweezers, but thank you
It's cheating and wouldn’t be fair
I can grab all the strands by the handful
When it comes to pulling out hair

I found using a blender too lazy
A fork makes me look like a goon
No, in order to go stir crazy
I have got my own special spoon

I'm well off my kilter, unsteady
But prepared if I happen to fall
With helmet and rope at the ready
I'm...

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Mary had a little lamb 
its fleece electrostatic 
and everywhere that Mary went
the lights became erratic.

Although that’s fun at discos
In the sticks it’s quite a pain
So they paid her $40
To stand out in the rain

I’m not sure the plan was
But I think they had a stab 
At turning Mary’s pesky pet
Into a shish kebab

If so, it just backfired 
They learnt that quickly when 
Their ...

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Stop drooling in your coffin
Now’s the moment... awake your beast
Satisfy your inner passion 
Arise and go out for a feast

Ditch the shroud and put the cape on
Though that might be a tad cliché 
You’ve got to look and play the part
To enjoy a neck buffet

Brush your teeth and put your fangs in
Maybe sharpen them some more
Slick your hair and curse the mirror
Grab your keys - then out...

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This cheery bird can sing so strong
A smart and vocal forest king
Adopts a gloomy troubled song
Bedevilled by a broken wing

With muted chirps and gasps of pain
The safest course is swallowed pride
In order to fly free again
It must heal slow and stay inside

As nature daily wends her way
Man might lend a helping hand
Nourish, cherish, fight dismay
Listen, try to understand

No crea...

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I've built a castle in my mind
A sturdy fort of solitude
With turrets I could hide behind
But find, alas, there is no food

Sometimes I'll drop the drawbridge down
Cross the moat and with my mates
Seek out imagined palace grounds
But picnics there have empty plates

I could hop online on a virtual tour
Of museums, buildings, pubs and streets
Of mountains, waterfalls and more
But there...

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I would advise, for your health's sake
Don't rush too much, apply the brake
More speed, less haste is a mistake
So treat yourself to a quick break

Don't shout and scream - you'll just get hoarse
Swearing too will show you're coarse
Don't mount a rampant hobbyhorse
There is a better way, of course

I give advice, I hope I've shown
And rhymed to make some people groan
By using the odd h...

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Free will is a thing of beauty
I could say that out loud, but I don’t 
I am not sure whether I choose to
Or whether I will, or I won’t 

There are options there if I want them
Some dangling worms I could bite
Some carrots and sticks, some tricks to unpick
Some say that I can’t, but I might

I’m static but find myself drifting
I’m clueless with plenty of clues
In stillness, I’m steadily...

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I'll have your guts for garters
I'll have your skin for sweets
I'll have your bones for batting
I'll have your teeth for treats

I'll have your hands for headphones
I'll have your feet for food
I'll have your hair for hiding
I'll have your mouth to mend my mood

I'll have your arms for artwork
I'll have your legs for lights
I'll have your toes for tall-tales
I'll have your fingers for...

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Flower power and doobies
Was a happy goal for me
I’d even dared to dream of flares
And hugging the odd tree

I’d earned my points last time round
And willed a fresh vocation
But that didn’t go to plan, alas
I got a mixed-up-incarnation 

I’m not quite sure what happened
Whether he ignored me or misheard
But when I get to see his boss
I’m going to have a word...

I mean, who was supe...

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Feel the need to stretch your legs?
Just grab your bible and kick ass
No need to warn those other folk
Take a punt with tear gas

Ready for a happy meal?
There’s no need to try too hard
If insecure is what you feel
Just send in the National Guard

Want to nip out to the shop?
Then show some basic acumen 
Stand your ground and take a breath
Then alert the Minutemen

Fancying that rou...

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Adam and Eve had a trick up their sleeve
Being there when the world was begun
It’s a little pet peeve, which brings on a slight seethe - 
They were there at the start, so they won

Some theologists say that if they had their way
They’d get rid of original sin
But our Man of God is a little bit odd
He goes into the box with a grin

He created devotion by stirring the notion
That he’s hea...

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I yearn for sunlight
For the full spectrum's blend
For the lightest of clouds
The purest burdenless whisps

I cherish the fresh crisp snow
Before the first step
After the first breath
And it's potential for cold mischief

I honour the value of milk
Taken from hard-worked teats
I savour the dash in tea, the splash on cereal 
And vanilla simplicity of ice cream

I hold dear the electr...

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Covid-19, I heard him say

Does a big number on the lungs

To help to keep this thing at bay

Should we spray Dettol on our tongues?

 

The waiting game is such a bore

Cleaning products might be the key

At least until they find a cure…

Perhaps Harpic's the one for me?

 

Now Duck Deep Action, I could try

But I'm not one to splash the cash

And I suspect the dose is hi...

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Oh what to do, what can I say?
It's wonderous how day by day
You further add to our dismay
And tilt the truth your own sad way

Your pressers are a work of art
A bigly wheeze of air and fart
You somehow seem to think you're smart
But I'd rather have Homer, or Bart

You've even got my pen tongue tied
Blood boiling and brain half-fried
A 'personality' misapplied 
Rarely Jekyll / Mostly ...

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The apples are out to get us

They poison the air that we breathe

They might look sweet and innocent

But secretly they seethe 

 

The apples are keen to murder

They’ll sting you through their skin

Your hands and face will then blister

And the pain will then really begin

 

The apples are out to kill us

Each one is rotten to the core

They give off evil vapours

Ga...

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As the Roman Empire dwindled
And left us on our own
Were our ancestors befuddled
As they waved them off to Rome?
Could the darkness that resulted
Have been a happier kind of caper
If those left behind had been more kind
And not hoarded toilet paper?

When William the Conqueror 
Brought his army to our shore
Poor Harold tried before he died
And who could ask a bloke for more?
Did his s...

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Santa felt sassy and seasoned

Having switched from soda to whiskey

Stirred and slurred, his vision was blurred

Sleigh-driving was stupidly risky

 

Sloshing around but still seated

Strapped in, seemingly quite self-assured

Whilst swerving through Nice, he saluted the police

Whose chopper was wisely insured

 

Donna and Blitzen were startled

Dancer and Prancer were ma...

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Dean Martin, you say?

Well, yes I see why

With the silk in his voice

And the glint in his eye

 

A boxer, a crooner

With satire and skits

A boozer, no loser

Wine, westerns and wit

 

But it's Williams for me

I admire the sheer range

The highs and the lows

The awesome, the strange

 

The pain and the ego

The bad-boy style grin

A writer, a fighter

W...

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Far too clever for his own good

Deceitful and quite crafty

He got up to stuff that no king should

In fact, he got plain nasty

 

Killing folk and cheating death

Is not proper or obedient 

Thus when it came to his last breath

Zeus couldn’t be less lenient

 

Forced to push a boulder up a hill

But never reach the top

Could make a chap feel queasy-ill

If not allow...

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There are those who call me mean

And lacking in panache

But I'm ever hungry, somewhat keen

And always short of cash

 

Scavenging and working hard

That's really not my deal

I thought that I was avant-garde

When choosing out that meal

 

Grandma was a kindly soul

Though I'd say 'rather sickly'

Thus, I ate her up and made her whole

Yet somehow come off 'prickly'

...

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I wonder if you can help me?
I have mislaid my train of thought
My mind wandered off without it
Now it’s lost without support

It arrived this morning brightly
At some ungodly hour
Then with some cheek, played hide and seek
‘til I stepped into the shower

I did my best to grasp it then
That was, of course, my hope
Yet my efforts yielded nothing
But fresh air and listless soap

I hu...

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Do I sense you quivering?
Do you know your end is nigh?
Is there peace in your last seconds?
Will you greet them with a sigh?

Do you sense my blade above you?
Are you prepared to feel each cut?
Were you hoping for some mercy?
Do you know that door is shut?

Do you get that I am smiling
as I decide which way to slice?
That your golden days are over
and now you have to pay the price?

...

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He was warned when he first got it

He was warned, it must be said

That a Tribble-Gremlin cross-breed

Ought not be worn upon your head

----

 

He was wary of the bald-patch

Disliked the typical toupee

Wanted something extra special

To keep the looming grey at bay

 

He used his wealth and influence

Sent a message from his tower

Requesting some geneticists

To ...

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It's rather dark and bleak in here
and I think I've worked out why;
We've nothing left to talk about -
the conversation has run dry

We can be quite a jolly bunch
full of rhymes and rhetoric
But time ticks slow and now we know
in the end... we're just too thick

So we're feeling quite neglected
'cos in this summer weather
we're forced to lie inside this drawer
and be no use whats...

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Once, someone posed a question

And it made me want to cry

"If you had to choose," she said

"Which one - cake or pie?"

 

I didn't want to answer

I mean, why would she even pry?

It's the deepest question out there

Philosopher's testify

 

It really made my head hurt

I took a pill, I won't deny

That question bounced on through my brain

"Which one - cake or pie?"

...

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