I refuse to exist in the darkness shrouded by my own self loathing...

i choose the light made possible by an all encompassing self love.

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 I used to believe that it was me.

That I was broken.

I used to believe that I was the reason you left; that I was too dark to be loved.

That I deserved to be left behind.

I used to believe it was me!

I looked in the mirror everyday and I cried praying to God that he fix me.

Thinking that there was something wrong.

Praying to God that he would make me worthy of your love.

I...

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You pushed me away,
And now I am going to live my own life
Right under your nose.
And I hope that you notice every smile
That someone else makes me laugh.
I am going to be free of your demons.
I am going to laugh every time I see you,
And be so pleased that I
Saw the worst bits before we were married,
Like once you said we would be.
Remember that?
Oh my poor poor Mr Misunderstood.

Yo...

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We didn't know it was all in our mind.
We didn't know we were being unkind to ourselves.
How we let ourselves get bad.
We didn't know that we were cruel
To ourselves.

Why couldn't we forgive our own mistakes,
Like we did the ones that others made?
We never practiced self-defence,
Unless it was to wrap us round in chains.
Why couldn't we be good
To ourselves?

We didn't mean to hurt...

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Thank you to all those who have stayed interested in the love's tempest poetry I am currently posting.
We jump forward in time a little bit, 8 or 9 months or thereabouts, and have some new themes coming up;
self-love, compassion, safety from the storm, and star crossed love
but they don't need deep introductions.

The next poem in love's tempest is, as the blog title suggests:

       ...

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your fingertips are pulsing

from all that touchlessness

where do you leave your fingerprints

when no human skin is around?

your hands sniff touch

sniff skin

and they find you

tangled being, hanging plant

with your roots in the clouds

you touch yourself and discover

that you have human skin

below your mind's weeds

underneath you vegetal body

so you i...

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I am an Architecture 

Something built with 

Pure beauty

Something built with 

A mind that makes

Beautiful art 

Something built with 

A heart that never stops 

Loving

A heart that has it’s

Own language 

I am an architecture 

That has never been 

Explored 

Or 

Understood 

I am Everything 

All in one..

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As the years go on, and the beauty fades
They are arm in arm, like nothing has changed
And as he hovers close, I can hear what she says
She says - just as sweetly as the very first day...
 
 "Paint me with your love 
  make me shiny and new
  give me all your colours
  it's what I dream of
  I'll be painted, sated
  in layers of love."

And as he hears her words, I can see he smiles
L...

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Is there a poem or song to describe the melancholy that washes over me, unexpectedly? 

One to suppress or express, dark desires 

to put myself first, at all costs. 

Let my needy family

fend for themselves,

betray those that have betrayed me, 

including my own body. 

Throw my arms up in despair,

one more time, 

or... 

take a deep breath, 

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I’m on a level of being

Where I know the direction I’m following

Where I know I’ll be fine, even if I’m alone

Where I’m aware of my worth

Where I know I’m strong enough

Where I’m aware of my strengths

Where I’m brave enough to walk all alone

I have freed myself from the chains

From the judgments

From the council of hate

From the bars of anxiety

I have unc...

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It's been a hard day

Smiling pretending everything is fine

If I pretend it feels better

If I do it enough it hurts less

I haven't texted you all day

I haven't ran to you

I keep telling myself I don't need you anymore

I keep telling myself I don't love you

But a voice in my head keeps saying, " Be patient, be kind, show yourself self-love."

Then I look at my arm the word ...

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The words you said made me realize it's all done

I cried, yelled, and wallowed in self pity

Then I showered

Did my hair

Put on clothes and said  , "That is it girl get it together!"

I said, " That is it girl look at that mirror!"

You are BEAUTIFUL, STRONG, and SMART

I said , "I love me!"

"I love me!"

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Urge

I have this urge to call you

An urge to beg you

An urge to show you I can be happy

I have an urge to tell you that I am strong

I have an urge to tell you that I agree and we're done

An urge to say I know you aren't coming back

I have an urge to stop torturing myself and finally let you be free

I say one more text that is all I need

I say one more text that is all I ...

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I Forgot

I forgot how much I loved to write

I forgot how much I love me

I forgot how much it hurt to be alone

Yet, to know that you are free

I forgot how much I love to sing

To feel the warm sun on my skin

I forgot to be me

I forgot how to smile

But today that all changed

Today I remembered...

I remembered it no longer us

It's no longer you and me

Now its me!

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I can’t believe I found you at last. I haven’t seen you since I was 17. 

A few times I felt you near, but couldn’t see you because I was blinded by my attachment to shining knight fairy tales, white picket fences, and the American dream. 

What a relief to know you never really left. You have been here all along, patiently waiting for me...

to smile at my reflection in the mirror.

# # #...

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What are the chances 

of two lost souls 

light-years apart

colliding twice in life?

Astronomical. Yes!

The dance is sweeter, 

with ego out of the way. 

All that remains is love

purified by the same rock-bottom

pressure that turns grains of sand into

pearls, coal into diamonds. 

Not lustful love, agape. 

Godly, unconditional love for humanity. 

Forgiving. Acce...

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My light shined upon

the dark hues of you-

the vastness hidden

in narcissism.

I coated the pain

with discarded paint,

bleeding through linens

of truth's art canvas.

Fragile yet edgy curves

dance into shapes that

identify me,

granting sanity.

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The trouble with learning to love yourself is this; All things positive "self" is more difficult to practice than the opposite our easily adopted negative self. Bad habits like self-doubt, self-hate,self-harm integrates into your life at such an alarming speed you wont even realize it until its too late, but then you do realize it. So begins a lifetime struggle to get rid of it. The process, unlik...

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