The lights you seek are not these ones, these are mine

I shall explain more in time

As I have searched far and wide

Yet these are the most beaufitul I find

Unique, like tears in the snow

I share these lights with the Emporer, Leopard and Crabeater

With an hour of sunlight, there's nothing more sweeter

Than to sit and watch the carnival of light above

On my own, as the ...

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The word and I cannot coexist
I try to say it
I try to say it when it's late and i'm alone
When the only person who can hear me
Is me
But
It sticks in my throat
Turns my mouth to ash
Chokes me until tears stream
And the word is lost in my brain

So
I try to think it
I try to think it when the words fail
When I think that maybe if I can recignize it
Then it can't hurt me
Therapy...
...

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It's morning. 

The peace I had is suddenly gone.

Creeping into my head is the anxiety and sorrow I always have.

Why couldn't I have slept longer?

Why do I have to wake up?

The day is too long,

The minutes feel like hours

The hours feel like days 

The days feel like weeks.

I can't stop this feeling. 

Feeling of grief- w...

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I once had an older sister 

I once had an older cousin sister;

Used to come over for summer vacations

and other auspicious occasions,

many times I cried to make you stay

for little longer,

Now you're gone for ever;

To return never.

The fun we had at beaches and seashores,

Could I ever forget?

The laughter you had in arcades and photos;

Was it all a facade...

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Times takes about titans,

But short lived curtains

Curtails happiness;

Clothes that wouldn't dry,

Clouds and eyes that cry,

Wet lands that sigh,

Visible shivers that reply,

Trees and aspirations that lie,

fritters I fry,

With the tea I try,

Are you a random passerby?

Give me a heartfelt highfy(5),

No matter what I try

Your piece of mind; I couldn't buy

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I saw you my friend

Looking toward the sky

I thought you knew you, my friend

Things aren't supposed to die

Loner Bird

Why did you have to die?

Londer Bird

Why did you have to lie?

I saw you again

Sitting upon the edge

Of the same window cill

As the past thousand times

Loner Bird

Why did you have to die?

Londer Bird

Why did you have to lie...

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From the lover you'll never know

A note scribbled down in tears

sits atop a mound of colour

Trying to work out these forgotten fears

From a family torn and lost

Flowers that soon will rot

Your teddy sits upon the mound, arms wide open

Melting, muddy and forgotten

For the journey now cut short

With an ending some had thought

If only you could see things

How b...

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i want to be forgotten.

i want the last time

someone utters my name

to be on the first day

of spring.

i want the world to

get acquainted with

a life without my love

and then

i want it to cry

because

it really was

better with me in it

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I can't help but wonder, was it worth it?

Was your transient moment of pleasure worth making me feel like shit?

It seems to be a never-ending cycle of me losing my mind over you,

Your words display such innocence while your actions prove they're not true.

Defending, deflecting, giving every reason instead of the selfish thoughts in your head,

Unintentionally cementing my newfou...

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at times I find myself
with insight
into my third eye
the inward perception
of crystalline tears
holding onto emotions
looking for one thing

The truth

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My first time. 

It wasn’t special.

It was okay. 

That’s what I’m saying

everytime 

someone asks me.

I don’t want to say it 

it took me too long 

too long 

to realize.

You are the evil

your are the the beginning 

of me 

not feeling.

You raped me. 

I was young 

too young.

You were older 

but this 

this wasn’t very mature of you.

Not very de...

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I am covered in
bruises.
i love them because
they are proof
of all the times i fell...
in love.
i am covered in
scars.
i love them because
they are proof
of all the times i thought i fell...
in love
but something else was there to catch me.
i have scraped knees
from being dragged
thru life by my heart
because it moves
quicker
than my feet.

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I was ready made for grief.

to live an ode to a common thing,
     this elegy to peace.

and on the days that I feel nothing,
     I torment the stillness behind my eyes
because feeling is proof of living.
and I so badly want to be alive.
     to dig deep in the scar garden,
     to excavate my hollow pit,
     to sow a lifetime of memories
     of being just out of reach.

it is my...

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I've been in my feelings
and in my head for years.
I've built walls and
called them boundaries only
to wake up one day and realize
that I've boxed myself in

and that's the tragedy in it all;

in keeping myself safe
I've locked everything out.
and what a sad way to live,
peaceful and
picking my own muse 
to pieces until the only thing
left is
a bloody pile of 
everything I used to...

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i'm always the girl youre not sure about.
people have tried to make me
the girl you come back for.
but i want to be the girl
you never left.

and there are gaps in my happiness.
gaps in my teeth.
gaps in between breaths.
air, just...
slipping away.
fading away 
like colors on clothes
that have spent too much time
in the sun.

and what a funny way to say
theres always light in my l...

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i find myself texting you late at night

until you block me i’ll keep on coming back

wish i was only here out of spite

but in reality i need to talk to someone during my panic attack

i know it’s selfish to use you for reassurance 

however it’s the only thing that can soothe my racing mind

and i haven’t gotten enough money for insurance 

so i hope it doesn’t make you feel c...

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used to take things before going on walks

it’d be dark and cold

and i’d be underdressed

i couldn’t seem to withhold

i’d stumble around the neighborhood 

trees and leaves would move

even though there was no breeze

i couldn’t seem to mentally improve 

i grew more and more detached

would walk by a half way house everynight

i thought that perhaps that would one ...

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i know you’re disappointed in me

we always scream for hours and fight

until i decide to go out on a walk by the big oak tree

even though i can barely see the sidewalk at night

im starting to think that i can’t see in general anymore

i look in the mirror and see someone new

it’s like i’ve never seen her before

i wonder if you feel that way about me too

my therapist...

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Smells of wild garlic, bells of dark blue
Grasses in seed, blossoms of cherry
The garden alive, in the song of spring
We'll take it slow and let you limp round
It's hot today and sun warms your old bones
Sit on this carpet of green to enjoy
Flop on your side, old man, if you please
Not even seen, Robin, picking your fur
Postman arrival is not even heard
So you can take, that well warrante...

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Scuffing leaves on the ground

With no other soul anywhere around

Hands in my pocket, keeping warm

My feelings swell to an indignant storm

Life at home isn't quite right

The yelling and shouting gives me a fright

"Best apart" says my instinct

But it's not like me to kick up a stink

Night times leave me cold, fearful and small

Ear to the glass, glass to the floor

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Maybe not the healthiest thing 

But the healthiest I ever had

Such a prince charming you seemed, with

 your white van for a steed. Full of recovery 

stories and what seemed like integrity.  

Not perfect for sure, an anger problem and unnaturally, unwarranted high self esteem. Yet still better, more together and healthier 

than I had ever been.

So many nuggets of...

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you look at me like i'm insane

i can't tell if i am

if I turned out to be psychotic

would I even be this self-aware?

i put on obnoxious amounts of chapstick

cotton candy or strawberry-flavored

it severely drys out my lips

but I know you'll think of me when you see it at the store

I always attempt to blow up my life

just because you left me again

you run ever...

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To feel the love you never received;

To feel the affection that was given through grating words that come behind a “Im doing this because i care”,

To feel the sorry’s that were ‘paid’ to me, the gifts I had received to understand how ‘sorry’ you were after harming me, physically or verbally and if not, mentally.

‘I love you’; an affirmation of affection or deep caring, especially to ...

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we were close when i was little

you called me your sugar plum fairy

sat by my bed when my dreams were too scary

I didn't know then that our relationship was so brittle

you have mixed feelings about your own mother

maybe that's why you act the way you do

you rip me apart and then try to patch me up with glue

we both know you wouldn't ever do that to my brother

you ...

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didn't wake up with the intention of being bad

I don't know why there's a pit in my stomach when no one is dead

run around my house and verbally beat up my dad

the screams sound bloodshed

he says, "there's so much you wanna do" 

and i obvert my eyes

wait around for a mental break-through

and make unachievable plans doing the highs

i wanna be a savior

and get th...

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you told me i’d only fail

laugh at my hopes and dreams

you act as if i’m frail

there’s often reoccurring themes 

you know i’m not dumb 

it’s just that you don’t care

so don’t ask me for gum

and don’t you give me that stare

i don’t know how we ever got along 

we’re opposites like the moon and the sun

you probably think you’re the moon, but i think that you’re...

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I get a little tired of it - folks who seem to think

they must be happy all the time or else they’re on the brink

of some traumatic end, oh yes, like everything is bad

if once in a blue moon they have to deal with being sad.

It makes no sense to me at all. Just what do they expect?

They should be happy day and night and never get set back.

Well, I can’t grasp it, not at all....

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Location unknown

No flesh or meat on the bone

Bereft of all comforting thought

This isn't what I was taught

I once knew a place

Where I knew every face

Now cold and dark

No warmth and no spark

I travel around in the void

Wondering round like a lost boy

And although I am able

Fully trained yet maimed and unstable

A ghostly belonging

Of betrayal ...

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