With pen and paper in hand

I write love letters to you in the early morning 

When I know that your mind is still wavering in dream 

When this conscious body craves the affection of yours as you turn over slowly in your sleep 

and sigh against the curve of my neck 

It is not easy to fill the time that you are absent 

Meaningless tasks seem to pass too quickly 

But from far...

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despite the recovery 

there are still days when a hole has been ripped through my chest 

when I am drowning beneath this absence 

it is not safe to breathe 

but my body craves the humid air 

this body has grown weary and tired today 

has shifted between consciousness 

these are the days 

when I struggle still 

despite it all 

despite being discharged from therapy...

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- Days ago, when the darkness found a way to creep back

I must admit that guilt pours through my veins on days like today 

When inside of my head, all seems hopeless 

I may no longer be clinical 

But depression doesn't care that I was healing 

It doesn't seem to matter that for a few weeks I was doing better 

Despite the distractions I threw in its path 

Through the dark ...

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despite all of this sadness

and fear 

that is so deeply rooted in the veins of each person I love 

it is a good moment to settle down 

take a breath 

and enjoy the silence 

in the sun we are at peace 

it is time to be grateful for all that is pure 

all that we are gifted by the hands of God 

it is time to restore some faith that we have lost 

allow this day ...

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You tried to re-enter my life today 

and I did not let you 

Were you blind in your faith?

That too easily I would just allow you to slip you through 

Was it not clear that you were no longer welcome here 

when your key did not fit in the door?

I have had those locks changed for weeks 

It was about time for you to go

Your presence failed to serve its purpose 

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When this is all over

We will find our way back home 

We are busy making plans for after 

Each day we wake up apart, we are one day closer to waking up together again 

The distance is difficult 

The sheer lack of control is stifling 

But 

Days of celebration are coming 

Quiet afternoons in the sun, dozing next to you in a lounger 

Where I can finally feel ...

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There have been some before you 

Few who broke my heart 

One who betrayed me 

Another, who too easily allowed us to grow apart without any distance at all

I could stretch out my arm to grasp his hand, only to gasp at his sheer coldness 

He was truly dead inside, nothing left to offer "us"

Eventually I was forced to let him go 

And the first, did not understand the word "stop" 

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In your arms I sail away 

a tiny little boat created in the safety of a body I know so well 

floating in an endless sea where good dreams and bad nightmares may find me 

despite this safety, I am nothing but vulnerable

this lifeboat may survive it all 

if only it is strong enough to surpass it 

I ought to have known better 

should have recognised the signs 

there is an impa...

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You gave me the strength to survive it 

Something borrowed 

until I was no longer blue 

this body is old 

but we are new 

You taught me to heal 

just not alone 

and let this peach skin 

slowly evolve 

Until I am stronger 

to bear all the pain 

I wait here patiently 

to see your face again 

Because with you it is easier 

to let it a...

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sometimes I have to sit and question 

"is it like this for everyone?"

because surely it mustn't be 

too many people setting themselves on fire only to see their love stay warm 

that is what I would do for you 

because coming home feels different now 

not four walls but a heartbeat and jawline with stubble 

two strong hands that wrap around my hips and guide me closer each...

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It seems worth it now 

all the pain and loss and grieving 

It is more manageable

to cope with what almost killed me 

So much easier to see that the harm caused was temporary 

The bruises yellowed until my soft skin became mine again 

The scars that lingered are healing after all this time 

and with each deep breath I am able to let go a little more 

to drift within the safe...

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he plays me like a violin in his strong hands

moulded around the shape of his palms 

the warmth of his fingers 

if I were chocolate 

I would melt 

dripping between the crevices in the floorboards 

of this old home 

the richness overflowing 

pouring within the walls 

until pure decadence fills this space 

this is our safe place 

where the precious notes of me hummin...

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I was blessed 

by something not seen nor heard 

the day that God allowed you stroll wilfully 

into all the destruction that surrounded me 

And gracefully 

you began to repair the broken pieces 

of the mess I made 

tearing through debris to find me 

I find peace in your blue grey eyes 

when I think it is all coming to an end 

your strong hands that regard my ...

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I could lie like this forever 

in the small cocoon of your little room 

a sanctuary where I can let the stresses of the day subside 

with the touch of a hot shower to wash away the shadows that linger 

under our tired eyes 

such tired eyes that still find happiness in your face 

but here we are living 

despite it all 

we are here breathing 

letting each exhale heal some ...

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She was cold as ice 

white as snow 

something everyone else 

would easily know 

For this one soul 

her heart would break 

and from all that is bad 

something good, they would make 

He made her thaw 

and she began to melt 

with kisses so tender 

she had no doubt 

That this right now 

where she ought to be 

was the safest of all 

she need n...

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Some roads lead nowhere 

But without a sign to tell us otherwise, we will travel down them 

Without hesitation

Until we arrive at the cliff edge, the end of the road 

There is no road ahead that will lead me to safety 

until now 

Part of me knew that this is how it ought to be 

Not a raging thunderstorm each night 

Leaving me awake and tearful for the next clap of thun...

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I could fall in love with this man 

and the way he brushes his teeth 

the way he combs his hair 

the way he cherishes me 

I'm going to fall in love with this man 

and the way he washes dishes 

the tension in his arms, the concentration in his brow 

turns me to putty in his hands

He leaves me speechless, this man 

even when he dreams, the soft rise and fall of h...

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The stars are my night light 

Setting themselves on fire 

to keep me warm 

while your presence is missing 

But it is comforting 

when the morning grows near 

and the stars retreat 

I know that as the sun rises you will return 

Hold me close and let us be calm 

Let the safety of this bubble envelope us 

Until our heart beats slow 

and our eyes grow weary 

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Alone at the door 

you may find me

Trying to decide whether to leave it unlocked 

or wide open

or slip the lock and the latch and all that makes me safe

You see 

If I leave the door open 

Then I get to see the sun pass softly all day long 

But with it carries an awful draught 

It is chilling 

It is freezing each cell of this small body 

But it is open in the h...

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I want to venture out 

walk into the rain 

and let it cleanse all that is bad

replenish all that is good 

fill up my empty cup 

so I can continue to pour and pour and pour 

myself into those around me

I am melting in a busy stream 

falling over babbling brooks and grey pebbles

until eventually 

I become merely a drop in the ocean

a tear in the night sky

ready to...

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Each night 

I pull a rib from this body 

and set it alight to keep myself warm 

That is what happens 

When you burn everyone around you 

You become hollow 

Wide awake at 4am 

Disconnected 

The control I crave and that which is surrendered 

To memory loss 

To nausea

To sheer exhaustion 

I cannot take it much longer 

That same fire will burn out 

That once c...

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Two dreams about you in the same night

I cannot escape you 

No matter how hard I try 

To run away and avoid you 

Seems impossible 

You encompassed me 

Ran wild in my red veins

I fear your anger 

I fear your absence 

But you creep into blissful dreaming

Reminding me you are gone now, too

I pushed you away

and cried when away you went 

I am too much 

and too...

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A spoonful of sugar may not be enough 

Pour as much of yourself into the bowl as you can 

And mix until the worry dissipates 

Somewhere within the butter and sugar 

I let the panic melt 

Until the loaf is warm in the middle 

Crisp on the outside 

While it bakes I take time to clean 

Let the soapy waters soak my arms and the smell of lemons fill the kitchen 

When the alar...

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My parents watch me, with knowing eyes, from across the room 

Each time I take a bite I can feel my mother exhale in relief 

Because today is a better day 

But I cannot promise her that tomorrow will be as well 

The worry bleeds across her loving face, when I lose the day to sleep and exhaustion 

The concern lodges in my father's brow when my answer to the question, "are you ok...

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They tell me, “time heals all wounds” 

But I’m not sure that’s quite true 

When the 5’11” wound that needs healing 

Is the absence of you 

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And I guess that's what you get 

when you say you don't want something easy 

when you say you want something epic 

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I had been asking 

For an answer or a sign 

But your lips had fallen silent 

After so much time 

I had been praying

There wasn’t much else to do 

Other than to sit and wait 

Patiently for you 

We each had caused the other pain 

Forgotten how to love and be kind 

We had played games back and forth 

Constantly in my mind 

We had said goodbye 

Man...

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I retreated back into myself 

Escaped behind the walls I put up 

Padlocks on the doors 

Stocked the armoury 

Locked the windows 

Fastened the exits with cable ties and rope 

Drew the shutters closed 

The curtains closed 

The blinds 

closed 

Do not allow the light in 

Do not allow the darkness out 

That is what I thought was best 

But I am slowly lea...

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- To those who believe in me -

With late night drives 

The open windows to calm the nausea

For dealing with the tears 

The ups and downs 

The unpredictable mood swings 

The Earth-shaking panic attacks

For the loyalty when I have none to offer 

For the arguments I struggle to avoid 

The emotions I barely reign in 

For the cups of water post sickness 

For the si...

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I am all of the cliches 

Green with envy 

The putrid taste of jealousy rising in the back of my throat 

Butterflies in my stomach that turn to knives in my heart 

or splinters 

There are not enough tweezers in the world to remove all of the pieces 

My brain understands, some of the time 

But my heart does not 

I understand there is history 

You and her

I have bee...

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I wish I could rewind to before 

When things seemed much easier 

Somewhat childlike and innocent 

Tinged with a longing for something more 

Your way with words 

Had me falling in love 

While I was busy falling too deep 

You kept me at arms length, too afraid to try 

I want you to come home to me 

Nestle in between warm blankets 

With the windows wide open 

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I lost a part of myself again today 

Let go of some small sadness I had been holding onto 

The pieces, held so tightly in my small hands

Had done nothing but make me bleed 

I am still learning

To reincarnate the leaves I had shed 

I will not allow myself to be like before 

I will bloom differently this time 

I will grow 

Every old petal will fall away softly 

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You will never understand 

How the empty space on your side of the bed haunts me each night 

Even now

I await the creak of metal as you turn over softly in your sleep

When your arm would be dragged from the cold side by the wall and drift across my back 

Brushing my hair out of the way and circling patterns with your fingertips 

Even now 

I kid myself believing I’m h...

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Each word you whisper is an imprint on my body 

but it never seems to last long enough 

Each touch turns to a bruise when you are no longer there 

Tattoo this skin so I have some form of permanency 

An inkling of where you have been, so that I no longer question its reality 

Permeate each delicate layer 

There are moments of sheer clarity

Driving through winding dark stre...

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He was not a rose with thorns 

Or a daisy being forever plucked 

He loves me 

He loves me not 

He was weaving ivy 

Everytime I cut him back 

He’d creep through the smallest crevice 

He would find the gate to the hidden garden in my heart 

Unlock the latch and wind through each part of me 

So slowly at first 

That one would not even know he was there 

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Rain is comfortable to me 

I am drowning anyway 

There is no difference through my eyes 

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Pull me closer until our breath combines 

Sway me like oceans controlled by the moon 

Let your fingers dance on my skin 

I want to play this game with you 

Moves made to control the other 

Hands delicately placed to tease you 

Crimson lips on your neck 

Bruise this body with my words 

Leave my mark, show them where I’ve been 

Show them all what I’ve claimed 

Draw...

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I cannot be with you

I cannot be without you 

Pulled by an invisible thread 

Sewing us together two broken things 

Tell me how to cut us apart, when there are no scissors strong enough to sever us 

Every fibre of my being is bound to you, clinging to you 

I would burn for your wandering gaze 

Set your eyes upon me 

View me through those lashes 

Touch me again, ...

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Today has been a better day 

I wasn’t a mardy bitch 

I didn’t cry when something went wrong 

I ate food without nausea or gagging or that awful washing machine feeling in my tummy 

Today was an easier day 

I could talk without the lump in my throat strangling me 

I walked through university enjoying each rain drop falling onto my cheeks

or dripping through my ey...

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Was it a mistake?

Everytime your hands caressed my warm skin

The bruises on my thighs 

From something so tender turns something so blue 

The imprint of your lips on me 

Leaving lovebites in their wake

The gentle beginning 

Ending as I call your name 

Pain and power and pleasure 

Mixed with a childish innocence

What have we become?

We are not two people in...

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6:15 pm 

I nearly called just now 

I'm going for dinner for my birthday 

I wanted to tell you that the nausea stopped 

I'm going to eat my body weight in pasta, you'd be proud of me if you knew 

I did pumpkin spice eyeshadow 

You would've liked it 

Like that time my sister put a photo of me on instagram and you messaged me but I ignored you because I was mad at you 

But I g...

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I'm afraid to sleep 

I don't want to dream about you 

I know it will hurt more if I do 

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I hope this finds you somehow

on a train 

or walking to a lecture 

or waking up to the sound of the clocktower 

I hope somehow it finds you 

So I can tell you 

without saying a word at all 

I miss you like hell

and I love you to pieces

I didn't mean for this to happen 

I could call 

but I think hearing your voice would still hurt

I could text...

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There are ground rules 

That I broke 

Those that we promised 

I can no longer abide by 

Do not fall in love with me 

you said 

The warning sign so clear

But I fell down the rabbit hole

With no return 

The only indication being the dull ache from the fall

You cannot know

I cannot tell you

Without destroying a balance that existed days ago 

...

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If I should have a daughter 

I will tell her 

of a boy I knew

-

They will give you roses 

Tell you of your beauty 

Of your kindness 

Of your innocence

They will tie red bows of ribbon around your heart 

Bless it with a kiss

Prompt you to tear down your walls 

"Let me in"

They will say 

"I won't hurt you" 

They will say 

They will gui...

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I feel a little more me today 

The crying spell has passed 

With each hour, ticking by softly, my lungs awaken

I breathe easier now

I enjoyed my morning coffee 

Sat by the steamy windows 

Watching the sunrise slowly emerge from behind the dewy grass 

Colour is returning to my cheeks 

Repairing some part of the fragile soul I was two days ago

I dream 

Ag...

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I am at the pit of my breakdown

Saying goodbye to sleep I once loved

Food I could once eat without nausea 

Dreams 

That once allowed rest

Help me 

I pray 

Sitting on the floor sobbing 

Do I allow this pain to make me human

Or wish it away?

I bring these matters to You 

I cannot do it alone 

I’m still processing 

Picking out the safest part...

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There is a pit inside of me 

A deep, dark abyss where the negative thoughts grow 

“I will fail” 

“I cannot do this”

That is why 

When I look at you, there is pain behind my eyes

Bleeding onto my cheeks 

Staining all that surrounds me 

This bubble of safety 

Does not always contain it 

This is what high functioning looks like 

From afar, it is well co...

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I think

I might like you 

I think to myself on late night lonely trains 

Watching the city lights fade into the distance and wishing 

If only you were here to see it, too

There are worse people to adore than your best friend 

Worse people to know everything about you 

and you of them 

I know you 

Moments you regret

Private jokes and unspoken secrets 

At o...

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I could blossom under your hands 

let us show them how 

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