a dream of mine came true

as I lay next to you

losing my worries in the wind

little did I know

I had naught to show

from the heart I was eager to win

as I carried on

in blinded pursuit

my path lit by your auburn eyes

I lost myself there

in your hands and your hair

waiting for my doubts to die

now left here I am

to think of what was

and ...

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When you looked me in the eyes, I wanted to feel your love

To feel the love that you said, was gone

I wanted to believe with all my heart that you would come back...

I wanted to believe that I could be enough

I wanted to believe that we could grow together but the truth is, it was all an illusion created by a stubborn heart,

Instead, I let you close and you hurt me, broke me, and ra...

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29.09.21

You won’t go to therapy 

Your clothes everywhere

It is because your Daddy never cared?

Run away from your problems

Change friends all the time 

Is that why you smoke weed all the time?

Sheets unwashed 

And wine every day 

No wonder you pushed all your friends away 

Video games are a way of life 

Abandoning problems

like it depends on...

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that year we met, i trusted you.

i believed you liked me for who me and wanted to be friends.

but you didn't. it was all a lie.

you wanted to be friends just to get inside.

i confided in you and listened to all your problems. 

always there to brighten your day.

yet, you would always go back to her.

i was your back up---someone to fill the void.

a void so deep and ...

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You pushed me away,
And now I am going to live my own life
Right under your nose.
And I hope that you notice every smile
That someone else makes me laugh.
I am going to be free of your demons.
I am going to laugh every time I see you,
And be so pleased that I
Saw the worst bits before we were married,
Like once you said we would be.
Remember that?
Oh my poor poor Mr Misunderstood.

Yo...

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The only thing I knew was pain,
And you showed me what love was.
All I had experienced was crude desire,
And you wanted me like no-one else
Ever had.
I'd burnt my faith,
And then the ashes of my faith, away.
And still it felt safe to believe you.
Any sadness I had,
I know was only brought with me.
It was my only possession, still,
You convinced me to throw it away.
How did those arms, ...

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Let me hold, once more
That special place.
Can't I one more time curl within your embrace?
Or how shall I comprehend
Your emotions,
Suddenly so different from my own?

Suddeness? What suddeness is this,
That many months existed?
Disbelief? What disbelief can live
Inside this certain knowledge?
Enough?
Or shall I let false words
Echo around my mind another moment?

Give me back that ...

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All those things love didn't care about
Are much more relevant when,
Tossed back, 
No longer wanted,
Life makes you decide again
Whether to go on believing.

The flaws
That didn't spoil the diamond on the ring,
May add up worth considering,
When,
Fallen out,
You have the chance to fit a different gem.

All the problems love didn't care about
May make it not worth the fight,
When lo...

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we were an unsinkable ship,
built to sustain any injury
thrown our way, or so we said.

cast into the dark,
yet illuminated with infinite possibilities.

suddenly slipping through our fingers
the bitter cold quickly rushed in,
and the music played on.

while the chaos surrounded us
and the children were tucked safely in their bed,
the music played on.

while prayers were whispered,
...

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I feel it itching under my skin
clawing away deep inside
I thought i could be myself around you
now i am just sorry that I ever tried

I find myself bending over backwards for you
trying to leap through these flaming hoops
Still, it isn't a choice that you choose
For that wouldn't ever, benefit you

We're winding down this endless road
neither of us can find any hope.
Still we hold ont...

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First, fumigate

Your cell walls fresh-free

of their love.

Second.

Odious

poison barbed

bitter nothings

must be dumbly plucked from each pink pore,

thrown to landfill,

labelled 'Hazardous biowaste, may cause hideous burns'.

Third, make re-chaste your newly bleach-scoured bone and blotted clean flesh 

with a sore blessing of Domestos and clov...

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Always on guard of the love you claimed was ours

as I looked up at the stars 

I realized I was holding onto too hard

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You were never mine

Quick witted but with a weak spine

Your actions are predicted 

conditional love that’s bound to die in time

How you act has me sickened and I refuse to loose my mind

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I hope you’re haunted by the love you lost in the chaos you twisted and turned 

I’ll be the dove hanging onto the wire you burned 

In the quiet you conjure up all the spirits who will never return 

As I hold onto empty words 

How you tortured me in this chapter 

Cheers to your happy never after

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I would always seek refuge in you

But you could never love me the way I wanted you to

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Why did this happen?

Why did we go a drought?

Why the hell did you hurt me?

Why the heck didn’t I say ouch?

Why didn’t you just tell me you hated the way I laugh?

Why couldn’t I tell you I hated you because you cheated in the past?

Why did you talk to me like a dumb dog?

Why didn’t I tell you that your pride was too strong?

Why didn’t you say, “ I never ...

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The hard part about all this is that you already found new love

You decided she was better than me that she is enough

The words you said, "to infinity and beyond" we're all a lie and you left me when all I ever wanted was compassion,understanding, and love

But the day you walked out, I learned the truth about life. 

I learned that the only person that could make me strong was God

He...

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I stand in front of a crowd
I’ve prepared for this night
I speak of you, us
I sing of you
The stories describe how we loved
And then how you left, 
How your ghost tormented me
And left my heart a wreck

I’m done crying over you
And hurting
Over and over again
Our story is done
Finally at night
My peace has come 

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You left me

        half-full plant pot ashtrays, old mugs of midnight teas, a jacket you spent too much on, the dregs from cheap red wine, rolled up train tickets, desecrated baggies,

                                                                              and a dent on your side of the bed.

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Thank you for 

the favor

of pushing me away. 

For helping me see 

the price of loving you 

is too high to pay. 

For saving me 

a life of heartbreak, 

torment, and dismay. 

For all the things

you wanted to, 

but didn’t say. 

For apathy 

as I go 

my own way. 

I hope to repay 

the favor 

someday. 

# # # 

https://youtu.b...

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Her skin is pale in the early evening
hanging upside down
from the foot of an unmade bed
feeling weightless
watching the world beyond the window
where Autumn rain falls upward
and lights divide

No appetite in this dark room
no appetite for days
friends all kept at bay
no rubber masks, just patches of ice
no fireworks, only fallen leaves collecting
passing headlights flood the room
t...

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I've tried to write this

Fifty times over

Each time I get closer

But somehow still miss

I miss something

In what I want you to know

I miss something

In saying I don't want to let go

If this is goodbye

Then say it now

I'll give up the fight

I'll let you walk out

And forever

I'll miss

You

I've loved you like no other

I've never held...

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The first time I saw you, your mouth held no words.
I would take you out and watch you marvel at the birds.

Your awkward waddle would bring me smiles.
There was peace in my life holding you as we walked for miles.

The screaming, the crying, the testing,
The laughing, the hugging, the learning.

As I helped you grow, and loved every moment.
Even the ones that involved your excrement.

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I do not get it when they say,

We will not make it one day,

I do not get it, when they laugh,

On us and on our scars

I do not get it when they do not believe us,

How crazily can this world suck?

I cannot express the pain in words,

Let’s run because we seem cursed

Let’s run away from the chains of pain,

Let’s run away where we can dance in rain,

Let’s run as ...

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Standing on the platform, waving goodbye to yesterday’s train.
Perhaps you wanted to feel you had a little bit of control.
You’re saying you hope that train never comes back again.

 A peripatetic pretense helps to ease the pain.
It’s a phantom journey, but no one has to know.
Standing on the platform, waving goodbye to yesterday’s train.

You collected yourself, stood erect, and hoped to ...

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I think I hung myself in your tears

Yeah, the other day I realised

One noose, one tear drop - same shape.

I choked on the salt of it

eternally thirsty now

When they fell from your eyes

they looked like showers of broken glass

How I wished I could have swallowed that instead

I think that would hurt less

I’ve got 6 bruises, 7 cuts, 3 scars

I’m still counting.

But why...

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I still remember the first time we made love,

It was simple and easy, with your weight above.

I remember expecting pain and feeling none,

I remember biting my lip when we were done.

It was so long ago, half a decade gone by,

But it still keeps me warm when you're not by my side.

Perhaps it's wrong I know I ought to move on,

But how do you stop an oncoming storm.

I still wis...

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Always I think of you,

I don't know why I do.

It opens doors I cannot close,

I feel adrift in the chaos.

Each time I look inside of me,

Searching for something to hold to my heart.

A memory of pain or fight or slight,

So I can say it's good we're apart.

 I find nothing, there is nothing to find

You were good to me, you treated me right.

I'm lost and lonely I now need ...

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Where were the words

why couldn't we talk

So much I wanted to say 

but the words got caught in my throat

---

Why did the magnet push us apart

when there were words to say

---

Could it be different at a different time

was it just the timing

I don't know

---

So awkward 

So off beat

---

We couldn't get the timing 

of the dance

---

Yet the magnet d...

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Unguarded

Bombarded

Quick! Hurry!

Retreat!

Before she sees

Build up a wall

Be careful not to fall

Its just too much to bare

Yes, I know its unfair

But I can't

I just.....

I can't! 

If I were to take a wrong turn

If I were to get burned

I don't think I could go on

See, I thought I had the one

Really, truly

She hurt me brutally

I could have sworn...

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Chaining smoking til my lungs are done, Chest pain come not sure if I can make it Trying to take this path to the dream I envisioned, Can't make the right decision I bailed now my life is in shambles I'm out here in socal dreaming of the bay, Looking for a way to construct these abstract thoughts, Onto the pad wanting it bad but finding it hard to make the ink spill, Attempting to leav...

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A little poem that is very much not in my usual style!
 

Dear Facebook,

 We have known each other a long time now,
 and whilst I know you will always be there for me,
 it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you the following:
 We can no longer be together.

 It’s not you.
 It’s me.
 Honestly.

 I find I can’t keep away from you,
 and I have so much work to do t...

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