Humour (Remove filter)
That Shallot
So every year she plants some seeds
She tends to all their growing needs
Keeping the soil free from weeds
Her tidy vegetable plot
No peas or carrots does she grow
Just Alium Cepa row on row
She won a prize in't Cheshire show
The lady of shallot
with apologies to Alfred Lord Tennyson
Monday 15th June 2015 7:01 am
Breaking Bad for Christmas
Breaking Bad’s at last run out
Walt and Jess got even
Bodies lying all about
Someone’s finally leavin’
Can’t get by on Game of Thrones?
Not a fan of Dexter?
If you want more Breaking Bad
Here’s a Christmas Extra
Heather Page and Stan Bymee
Lived in Alberquerque
Stan was cooking crystal meth
Heather breeding turkeys
They went on a date or two
But it came ...
Friday 12th December 2014 6:26 pm
Click It
(with apologies to Michael Jackson)
They told him Christmas time is getting so near
Don't want to go shopping you'd better look right here
The goods are there and the instructions are clear
So click it, just click it
You better order stuff whenever you can
The Trafford Centre is one big traffic jam
Just sit back, wait for the delivery van
So click it - cos you nee...
Saturday 14th December 2013 10:04 am
Omniverse
The fish was from another time; in my time he was dead.
I stopped to look him up and down, he stared right back and said,
There’s consternation on your face, perhaps I should explain.
Keep it simple, I implored, don’t cabbage out my brain.
The explanation you require is one of elegance
And for a fish so dead, I thought he spoke with eloquence.
I sense your dread, the dea...
Thursday 8th November 2012 1:17 pm
Compy Dompy
I represent our client Mr Dumpty
He had an accident you may recall
And though some might regard him as a 'numpty'
We feel the blame lies squarely with your wall.
In short to watch the Royal pageant pass through
Mad throngs had lined the streets as mad throngs do
And Mr Dumpty being short in stature
Climbed your wall to get a better view
Our client was...
Wednesday 25th July 2012 9:12 pm
Man Flu
(with apologies to The Clash)
DOCTOR YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME KNOW
SHOULD I SNIFF OR SHOULD I BLOW
PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT I'LL BE FINE
AFTER I'VE WAITED ALL THIS TIME
SO YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME KNOW
SHOULD I SNIFF OR SHOULD I BLOW?
IT'S ALWAYS SNEEZE, SNEEZE, SNEEZE
siempre achu, achu, achu
THIS MAN FLU'S GOT ME ON MY KNEES
manflu me tiene arrodillas
...Tuesday 22nd November 2011 9:17 pm
There's an App
For your dietary requirements
there’s an app
If you're planning your retirement
get an app
If you want to check the weather
there's an app
It was written by a clever Asian chap
If you're somewhere on vacation
and you need a quick translation
of the country's salutation,
with correct pronunciation,
there's an app
Why n...
Tuesday 15th November 2011 9:59 pm
Not a tit at all
(photo by The Rev'd Richard Stamp - Australia)
The bearded tit is not a tit; it’s not a tit at all.
The clues are in the finer points, the details very small.
I know you’ll not believe it, and you’ll want to verify;
So if you’re out one summer’s eve where tits might catch your eye;
If there’s a rustle in the reeds, a twitcher in the rye;
The chances are that you will find a ...
Friday 14th October 2011 6:46 am
Femme Fatale
The barman nodded knowingly, she smiled and said “Bonsoir”
She moulded to a barstool and he brought her café noir.
Her scarlet beret matched the lipstick rosebud on her cup,
I sat beside her, caught her eye then winked and said “Ey up”
I said “hello love, what’s your name” She answered “Femme fatale”
I asked “Well, how’s it going lass?” she shrugged and said “Pas mal”
Sh...
Thursday 19th May 2011 6:28 pm
Just a Synechdoche
One evening in the gloaming with the hour approaching late
I heard a sound, just ask my cat, he may corroborate.
I quickly went alfresco, thought I'd better take a look
A crowd of farmers gathered round to watch a donnybrook.
One farmer in pyjamas with a rubicund complexion,
Officious and unlaundered too, I thought, on close inspection,
Screamed words so execrable ...
Monday 20th December 2010 8:38 am
Pasta
By the shores of Lake Lambrini,
Near the foothills of Panini,
And the plains of Fegatini,
Through the valleys in betweeni,
Where the flowing Canneloni,
Meets the wandering Marscapone.
In amongst the Machiato,
Near the fading Tinto Rosso,
‘Neath the shading of Lambrusco,
South of Castle Osso Buccho.
Here a local pasta maker,
Bought out by a...
Saturday 10th July 2010 12:56 am
Limerick
A sensitive fellow from Bicester
Told his ex girlfriend how much he'd missed her
Her laughter, her friends,
The romantic weekends;
But mostly the nude games of Twister
Friday 9th July 2010 7:17 pm
Pandora's Box
I'll tell of a greek tragic heroine;
She was known as Pandora by name;
A quiet lass who didn't go out much,
A bit like the Oh lympic flame.
Zeus had commissioned Pandora,
The first lady made from the earth.
He was really quite pleased with the outcome;
Far less messy, he thought, than a birth.
Some say that Zeus craved a companion;
Some say it was...
Thursday 27th May 2010 5:03 pm
I Wrote a Line (with apologies to Johnny Cash)
I keep my notebook open all the time
I keep my pencil lead sharp and very fine
One night I sat and stared from six till nine
In all that time, I wrote a line
This bloody writing takes up all my time
The words go spinning round inside my mind
My brain is always searching for a rhyme
Because one time, I wrote a line.
I've got a real bad case of writer's...
Tuesday 18th May 2010 4:56 pm
Neck
I had a stiff neck so I thought what the heck,
I suppose I should visit the quack.
And you know, since that day, I can quite safely say,
It’s uncanny – I’ve never looked back.
Saturday 17th April 2010 12:56 am
Do Not Bend Forward...
Do not bend forward in those jeans so tight,
Pale flesh that shouldn’t see the light of day;
Lace, lace against your skin so soft and white.
Those shapely, rounded, squatting hips invite
My roving eye, lured in and led astray;
Do not bend forward in those jeans so tight.
Stretched denim curving, arcing out of sight,
With squeaking stitches pulled in every way,
Lace, lace aga...
Saturday 13th March 2010 12:38 am
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