So every year she plants some seeds
She tends to all their growing needs
Keeping the soil free from weeds
Her tidy vegetable plot
No peas or carrots does she grow
Just Alium Cepa row on row
She won a prize in't Cheshire show
The lady of shallot

with apologies to Alfred Lord Tennyson

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Breaking Bad’s at last run out

Walt and Jess got even

Bodies lying all about

Someone’s finally leavin’

Can’t get by on Game of Thrones?

Not a fan of Dexter?

If you want more Breaking Bad

Here’s a Christmas Extra

Heather Page and Stan Bymee

Lived in Alberquerque

Stan was cooking crystal meth

Heather breeding turkeys

They went on a date or two

But it came ...

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(with apologies to Michael Jackson)

They told him Christmas time is getting so near

Don't want to go shopping you'd better look right here

The goods are there and the instructions are clear

So click it, just click it

You better order stuff whenever you can

The Trafford Centre is one big traffic jam

Just sit back, wait for the delivery van

So click it - cos you nee...

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The fish was from another time; in my time he was dead.

I stopped to look him up and down, he stared right back and said,

There’s consternation on your face, perhaps I should explain.

Keep it simple, I implored, don’t cabbage out my brain.

The explanation you require is one of elegance

And for a fish so dead, I thought he spoke with eloquence.

I sense your dread, the dea...

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I represent our client Mr Dumpty

He had an accident you may recall

And though some might regard him as a 'numpty'

We feel the blame lies squarely with your wall.

In short to watch the Royal pageant pass through

Mad throngs had lined the streets as mad throngs do

And Mr Dumpty being short in stature

Climbed your wall to get a better view

Our client was...

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(with apologies to The Clash)

DOCTOR YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME KNOW

SHOULD I SNIFF OR SHOULD I BLOW

PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT I'LL BE FINE

AFTER I'VE WAITED ALL THIS TIME

SO YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME KNOW

SHOULD I SNIFF OR SHOULD I BLOW?

IT'S ALWAYS SNEEZE, SNEEZE, SNEEZE

siempre achu, achu, achu

THIS MAN FLU'S GOT ME ON MY KNEES

manflu me tiene arrodillas

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For your dietary requirements    

there’s an app

If you're planning your retirement  

get an app

If you want to check the weather           

there's an app

It was written by a clever Asian chap

If you're somewhere on vacation

and you need a quick translation

of the country's salutation,

with correct pronunciation, 

there's an app

Why n...

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(photo by The Rev'd Richard Stamp - Australia)

The bearded tit is not a tit; it’s not a tit at all.

The clues are in the finer points, the details very small.

I know you’ll not believe it, and you’ll want to verify;

So if you’re out one summer’s eve where tits might catch your eye;

If there’s a rustle in the reeds, a twitcher in the rye;

The chances are that you will find a ...

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The barman nodded knowingly, she smiled and said “Bonsoir”

She moulded to a barstool and he brought her café noir.

Her scarlet beret matched the lipstick rosebud on her cup,

I sat beside her, caught her eye then winked and said “Ey up”

I said “hello love, what’s your name” She answered “Femme fatale”

I asked “Well, how’s it going lass?” she shrugged and said “Pas mal”

Sh...

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One evening in the gloaming with the hour approaching late

I heard a sound, just ask my cat, he may corroborate.

I quickly went alfresco, thought I'd better take a look

A crowd of farmers gathered round to watch a donnybrook.

One farmer in pyjamas with a rubicund complexion,

Officious and unlaundered too, I thought, on close inspection,

Screamed words so execrable ...

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By the shores of Lake Lambrini,

Near the foothills of Panini,

And the plains of Fegatini,

Through the valleys in betweeni,

Where the flowing Canneloni,

Meets the wandering Marscapone.

In amongst the Machiato,

Near the fading Tinto Rosso,

‘Neath the shading of Lambrusco,

South of Castle Osso Buccho.

Here a local pasta maker,

Bought out by a...

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A sensitive fellow from Bicester

Told his ex girlfriend how much he'd missed her

Her laughter, her friends,

The romantic weekends;

But mostly the nude games of Twister

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I'll tell of a greek tragic heroine;

She was known as Pandora by name;

A quiet lass who didn't go out much,

A bit like the Oh lympic flame.

Zeus had commissioned Pandora,

The first lady made from the earth.

He was really quite pleased with the outcome;

Far less messy, he thought, than a birth.

Some say that Zeus craved a companion;

Some say it was...

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I keep my notebook open all the time

I keep my pencil lead sharp and very fine

One night I sat and stared from six till nine

In all that time, I wrote a line

This bloody writing takes up all my time

The words go spinning round inside my mind

My brain is always searching for a rhyme

Because one time, I wrote a line.

I've got a real bad case of writer's...

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I had a stiff neck so I thought what the heck,

I suppose I should visit the quack.

And you know, since that day, I can quite safely say,

It’s uncanny – I’ve never looked back.

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Do not bend forward in those jeans so tight,
Pale flesh that shouldn’t see the light of day;
Lace, lace against your skin so soft and white.

Those shapely, rounded, squatting hips invite
My roving eye, lured in and led astray;
Do not bend forward in those jeans so tight.

Stretched denim curving, arcing out of sight,
With squeaking stitches pulled in every way,
Lace, lace aga...

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