This nonsense about Killing Eve
Get on with it is what I say
I find it so hard to believe

Perhaps she flatters to deceive
She lives to fight another day
This nonsense about Killing Eve

It is a tangled web they weave
Not black or white but shades of grey
I find it so hard to believe

So surely someone can conceive
A way to bump her off today
This nonsense about Killing Eve

Call m...

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The Great Indian Takeaway

Number one for poppodom
Tell me where our club has gone
Venkys you don't understand
What it's like to be a fan
Things get worse every day
It's the great Indian takeaway

Number two for vindaloo
Tell us what you plan to do
100 million down the drain
Nobody wants to explain 
From the eastern hideaway
It's the great Indian takeaway

Number three for kedgeree
...

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So every year she plants some seeds
She tends to all their growing needs
Keeping the soil free from weeds
Her tidy vegetable plot
No peas or carrots does she grow
Just Alium Cepa row on row
She won a prize in't Cheshire show
The lady of shallot

with apologies to Alfred Lord Tennyson

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Breaking Bad’s at last run out

Walt and Jess got even

Bodies lying all about

Someone’s finally leavin’

Can’t get by on Game of Thrones?

Not a fan of Dexter?

If you want more Breaking Bad

Here’s a Christmas Extra

Heather Page and Stan Bymee

Lived in Alberquerque

Stan was cooking crystal meth

Heather breeding turkeys

They went on a date or two

But it came ...

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Forgive me please, my sins, I beg, for I

Am not the glorious hero that they claim;

For I am one who dares to reason why.

They spoke of honour, courage, do-or-die;

They showed me how to shoot, to kill, to maim.

Forgive me please, my sins, I beg, for I

Am no brave lion, no matter how I try.

Returning home I feel somehow to blame,

For I am one who dares to reason why...

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(with apologies to Michael Jackson)

They told him Christmas time is getting so near

Don't want to go shopping you'd better look right here

The goods are there and the instructions are clear

So click it, just click it

You better order stuff whenever you can

The Trafford Centre is one big traffic jam

Just sit back, wait for the delivery van

So click it - cos you nee...

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So much depends

on the

little nut

that holds

the wheel

on the

red wheelbarrow

(Apologies to William Carlos Williams)

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The fish was from another time; in my time he was dead.

I stopped to look him up and down, he stared right back and said,

There’s consternation on your face, perhaps I should explain.

Keep it simple, I implored, don’t cabbage out my brain.

The explanation you require is one of elegance

And for a fish so dead, I thought he spoke with eloquence.

I sense your dread, the dea...

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I represent our client Mr Dumpty

He had an accident you may recall

And though some might regard him as a 'numpty'

We feel the blame lies squarely with your wall.

In short to watch the Royal pageant pass through

Mad throngs had lined the streets as mad throngs do

And Mr Dumpty being short in stature

Climbed your wall to get a better view

Our client was...

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(with apologies to The Clash)

DOCTOR YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME KNOW

SHOULD I SNIFF OR SHOULD I BLOW

PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT I'LL BE FINE

AFTER I'VE WAITED ALL THIS TIME

SO YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME KNOW

SHOULD I SNIFF OR SHOULD I BLOW?

IT'S ALWAYS SNEEZE, SNEEZE, SNEEZE

siempre achu, achu, achu

THIS MAN FLU'S GOT ME ON MY KNEES

manflu me tiene arrodillas

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For your dietary requirements    

there’s an app

If you're planning your retirement  

get an app

If you want to check the weather           

there's an app

It was written by a clever Asian chap

If you're somewhere on vacation

and you need a quick translation

of the country's salutation,

with correct pronunciation, 

there's an app

Why n...

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Disc drive stutters.

Confused eyes stare.

Information is regurgitated

by acquiescent lips.

Old data perfectly preserved

in files long forgotten

but yesterday's data

has to be re-entered

and re-entered.

Directory error.

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(photo by The Rev'd Richard Stamp - Australia)

The bearded tit is not a tit; it’s not a tit at all.

The clues are in the finer points, the details very small.

I know you’ll not believe it, and you’ll want to verify;

So if you’re out one summer’s eve where tits might catch your eye;

If there’s a rustle in the reeds, a twitcher in the rye;

The chances are that you will find a ...

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"I see you've been out on your bike again,"

said the woman who's worldly and wise.

"Does my helmet hair give it away?" I asked.

"No, your forehead is splattered with flies."

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I thought I heard a scratching at the door

Familiar scrabbling across the floor

I thought I saw the curtains move and yet..

Do dogs have ghosts I ask myself? – You bet!

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 I’m interested to know what makes you tick

So tell me what you learned today, my son

Oh reading, rioting and arithmetic

When you go late night shopping with a brick

Can we blame too much drink or too much sun?

I’m interested to know what makes you tick

Somewhere along the line I missed a trick

So this is all you’ve learned – excuse the pun

Just readi...

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Those days are over when we ruled the seven seas
And when we wanted money we could rob the Portugese
'Cos now they're robbing us through the european coffers
And there isn't any fighting, they just come and take it off us
You buggers are too healthy and you're living far too long
Now that's all fine and dandy when economies are strong
Even for the reaper, times are hard and things l...

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Cycling socks stolen,

in suspicious circumstances -

suspect secondborn -

I cycled sockless through Scarisbrick,

Skelmersdale, Shevington and Standish,

circa summer solstice.

Satisfying Saturday.

Somewhat sore on Sunday. 

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Someone took a grandfather clock

for a ride in a convertible Morris Minor.

I thought ,

How considerate!

My furniture doesn’t get out much.

So I took my chest of drawers ,

in a Vauxhall Zafira,

to the Isle of Mull –

a truly magical place.

We drove across the uplands,

where eagles spiral effortlessly

into moody clouds.

I felt inspired.

I took it...

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Our promise of a

red moon rising,

eclipsed by clouds,

we opened

a bottle of wine

and observed

the kitchen spotlights

through half-full,

rose-tinted glasses.

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The barman nodded knowingly, she smiled and said “Bonsoir”

She moulded to a barstool and he brought her café noir.

Her scarlet beret matched the lipstick rosebud on her cup,

I sat beside her, caught her eye then winked and said “Ey up”

I said “hello love, what’s your name” She answered “Femme fatale”

I asked “Well, how’s it going lass?” she shrugged and said “Pas mal”

Sh...

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It’s a king thing.

All this talk of a royal wedding is doing my head in, doing my head in.

Let me tell you about royal weddings.

I've had a few do you know who I am?

I’m Henry Tudor, yes Tudor. Without wishing to be rude or crass

these royal weddings are a pain in my Tudor ass.

Oh yes I’ve had a few, do

you want me to regale you with tales of regalia,

of conquest...

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Oh look! here comes the postman

With letters in his hands.

I hope he's brought something for me -

More red elastic bands.

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I asked you for the recipe for Lettuce Diabolical;

You turned away and shrugged as if the question was rhetorical.

Your life is filled with every contradiction and perversity,

For one who boasts diplomas from a leading University.

Your shoes, one red one black, suggest a failing in your sanity

And yet the way those babies strut proclaims your cocksure vanity.

You mentall...

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Macarthur parked his bicycle between two tartan vans

On Burns night in the Trossachs, 'twas the gathering of the clans

An evening of poetry, of rhymes and songs and ditties

While serving wenches strolled around with big plates of Mcvities

Someone read a poem about a scottish cat Mcavity

But mostly it was bawdy stuff of lewdness and depravity

Macintosh w...

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One evening in the gloaming with the hour approaching late

I heard a sound, just ask my cat, he may corroborate.

I quickly went alfresco, thought I'd better take a look

A crowd of farmers gathered round to watch a donnybrook.

One farmer in pyjamas with a rubicund complexion,

Officious and unlaundered too, I thought, on close inspection,

Screamed words so execrable ...

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Shrug away fears and firmly grasp the net;

come saddle up a snorting photon beam;

lean forward, grip the mane and ride the dream;

joust bravely with electrons tete-a-tete.

Go boldly into other worlds, forget

your leaden boots, leap out and get extreme.

In cyberspace, if no-one hears you scream,

who cares. Absorb the nothingness of jet

black night; lift just one d...

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A groundhog walked into a bar and said...

A groundhog walked into a bar and said...

A groundhog walked into a bar and said...

A groundhog walked into a bar and said...

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I’m in love with an M&S mannequin

With a hard white stare and matching skin;

Now don’t start screaming or panicking

‘Cos I’m not a pervert or anything.

Her skin is smooth like sea washed stone,

Or a stainless steely feely phone;

Pragmatic without skin or bone,

To have, to hold, perchance to own.

We sat in Revive, in a comfy chair.

She was quiet bu...

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To dance beneath the diamond sky

With one hand waving free

A time to live, a time to die

A ship called dignity

Acknowledgements for reproduction without permission as follows:

Bob Dylan for lines 1 & 2 (from 'Mr Tambourine Man').

The book of Ecclesiastes and latterly Pete Seeger  in the song 'Turn, Turn, Turn'

for line 3 ( I changed a verb)

Ricky Ross of th...

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I wish we could have met

under different circumstances.

I could have given you more,

returned your advances

with tenderness;

Perhaps on a summer night

with a round refulgent moon,

I know you would have loved that.

Our brief encounter

And that intimate time

we spent together,

the closeness of our bodies,

the whisperings,

the frenzy,

Soon to...

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I thought for Natrional Poetry Day

I'd write something inspired.

A poem to set the world alight;

But no - I'm just too tired.

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Bite the bullet, grasp the nettle

Pot is black as so called kettle

Ash to ashes, dust to settle

Heavy guns from heavy metal.

Down in the scullery, old wives bitchin’

Too many cooks in the brothel kitchen

Holes in time, no time for stitching

You scratch back when my back’s itching

Eye for eye and a tooth for cutting

One for all and all for no...

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Now gentlemen and ladies, could I just have your attention please,

I have a few things for you, if you’d kindly let me mention these...

I’ve linements, emulsions, compounds, antiseptic lotions,

I’ve got alkalis and acids; I’ve got anaesthetic potions,

There are tantalising tonics for your tonsil titilation

All are genuine, but please watch out for monstrous imitations.

R...

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That music be the food of love,
Is true without a doubt.
But could I ask you just this once
To take your earphones out!

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Gone are my forget-me-nots,

All my sweet-peas replaced with shallots;

And a marrow now grows

Where there once was a rose;

Could it be a vegetable plot?

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In mid Forty Four came the turn of the war;

Our troops had advanced up the Seine,

And Hitler withdrew as the allies pushed through,

Growing strong since the D-Day campaign.

Jim thought of his boys as he worked the convoys

And patrols in the mine ridden sea.

Not sure if or when, he would see them again,

Back at home where he longed to be.

In a town on the Fylde, Ag...

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Said the oyster, ”Do please tell, Mr Whelk, your curly shell;

I’m intrigued as to how you got these whirls.

Ours have such an ugly skin, though the beauty lies within;

Every now and then we manufacture pearls."

Said the whelk, “It isn’t clever, it takes patience and endeavour,

To accommodate my fast expanding figure.

I build a new extension, with an increasing dime...

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By the shores of Lake Lambrini,

Near the foothills of Panini,

And the plains of Fegatini,

Through the valleys in betweeni,

Where the flowing Canneloni,

Meets the wandering Marscapone.

In amongst the Machiato,

Near the fading Tinto Rosso,

‘Neath the shading of Lambrusco,

South of Castle Osso Buccho.

Here a local pasta maker,

Bought out by a...

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A sensitive fellow from Bicester

Told his ex girlfriend how much he'd missed her

Her laughter, her friends,

The romantic weekends;

But mostly the nude games of Twister

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Our eyeless stares, the endless stairs constrain;

Figures of proportional intention,

We blandly trudge from plane to transformed plane.

Warping up and wefting down in vain,

Aching for a canvas of convention,

Our eyeless stares, the endless stairs constrain.

Incidental in some artist’s brain;

Ageing embryos in mock pretension,

We blandly trudge from pl...

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A mexican wave

Rippling through the stadium

Or just gallic shrugs?

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is it fair to say,

England simply didn't have

the rub of the green?

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This morning I went for a blood test;

Can’t think why I made such a fuss.

There’s obviously nothing to worry about,

It seems that I got an A plus.

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I'll tell of a greek tragic heroine;

She was known as Pandora by name;

A quiet lass who didn't go out much,

A bit like the Oh lympic flame.

Zeus had commissioned Pandora,

The first lady made from the earth.

He was really quite pleased with the outcome;

Far less messy, he thought, than a birth.

Some say that Zeus craved a companion;

Some say it was...

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I keep my notebook open all the time

I keep my pencil lead sharp and very fine

One night I sat and stared from six till nine

In all that time, I wrote a line

This bloody writing takes up all my time

The words go spinning round inside my mind

My brain is always searching for a rhyme

Because one time, I wrote a line.

I've got a real bad case of writer's...

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Letters prey

On my mind

Hear them drip

Blip, blip, blip

Capillary creeping, seeping

Through cracks

And grating

On my nerves

Infiltrating

Slipping under the door

Across the floor

Avoid the eyes,

The jays,

The whys the wherefores

Silent letters, Greek letters

Uniform and cuneiform

Catalan and Occitan

With accents from beyond the ...

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Dear sirs, I am writing this letter

Re - the conduct of signor Arteta.

A poke in the eye

And you let it go by?

Surely your referees can do better?

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I had a stiff neck so I thought what the heck,

I suppose I should visit the quack.

And you know, since that day, I can quite safely say,

It’s uncanny – I’ve never looked back.

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Thirteen clay figures in the garden

Where time ran out

Tempus fugit

Fugitives through time

Cave canem - Beware of the dog

The futile mosaic of the tragic poet.

No warnings from your gods above

As Vesuvio coughed you into the future

In the time capsule of Pompeii

With your worldly goods

And your world

Immortal as any gods

Your final acts petrified

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