(with apologies to The Clash)

DOCTOR YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME KNOW

SHOULD I SNIFF OR SHOULD I BLOW

PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT I'LL BE FINE

AFTER I'VE WAITED ALL THIS TIME

SO YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME KNOW

SHOULD I SNIFF OR SHOULD I BLOW?

IT'S ALWAYS SNEEZE, SNEEZE, SNEEZE

siempre achu, achu, achu

THIS MAN FLU'S GOT ME ON MY KNEES

manflu me tiene arrodillas

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For your dietary requirements    

there’s an app

If you're planning your retirement  

get an app

If you want to check the weather           

there's an app

It was written by a clever Asian chap

If you're somewhere on vacation

and you need a quick translation

of the country's salutation,

with correct pronunciation, 

there's an app

Why n...

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Disc drive stutters.

Confused eyes stare.

Information is regurgitated

by acquiescent lips.

Old data perfectly preserved

in files long forgotten

but yesterday's data

has to be re-entered

and re-entered.

Directory error.

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(photo by The Rev'd Richard Stamp - Australia)

The bearded tit is not a tit; it’s not a tit at all.

The clues are in the finer points, the details very small.

I know you’ll not believe it, and you’ll want to verify;

So if you’re out one summer’s eve where tits might catch your eye;

If there’s a rustle in the reeds, a twitcher in the rye;

The chances are that you will find a ...

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"I see you've been out on your bike again,"

said the woman who's worldly and wise.

"Does my helmet hair give it away?" I asked.

"No, your forehead is splattered with flies."

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I thought I heard a scratching at the door

Familiar scrabbling across the floor

I thought I saw the curtains move and yet..

Do dogs have ghosts I ask myself? – You bet!

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 I’m interested to know what makes you tick

So tell me what you learned today, my son

Oh reading, rioting and arithmetic

When you go late night shopping with a brick

Can we blame too much drink or too much sun?

I’m interested to know what makes you tick

Somewhere along the line I missed a trick

So this is all you’ve learned – excuse the pun

Just readi...

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Those days are over when we ruled the seven seas
And when we wanted money we could rob the Portugese
'Cos now they're robbing us through the european coffers
And there isn't any fighting, they just come and take it off us
You buggers are too healthy and you're living far too long
Now that's all fine and dandy when economies are strong
Even for the reaper, times are hard and things l...

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Cycling socks stolen,

in suspicious circumstances -

suspect secondborn -

I cycled sockless through Scarisbrick,

Skelmersdale, Shevington and Standish,

circa summer solstice.

Satisfying Saturday.

Somewhat sore on Sunday. 

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Someone took a grandfather clock

for a ride in a convertible Morris Minor.

I thought ,

How considerate!

My furniture doesn’t get out much.

So I took my chest of drawers ,

in a Vauxhall Zafira,

to the Isle of Mull –

a truly magical place.

We drove across the uplands,

where eagles spiral effortlessly

into moody clouds.

I felt inspired.

I took it...

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Our promise of a

red moon rising,

eclipsed by clouds,

we opened

a bottle of wine

and observed

the kitchen spotlights

through half-full,

rose-tinted glasses.

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The barman nodded knowingly, she smiled and said “Bonsoir”

She moulded to a barstool and he brought her café noir.

Her scarlet beret matched the lipstick rosebud on her cup,

I sat beside her, caught her eye then winked and said “Ey up”

I said “hello love, what’s your name” She answered “Femme fatale”

I asked “Well, how’s it going lass?” she shrugged and said “Pas mal”

Sh...

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It’s a king thing.

All this talk of a royal wedding is doing my head in, doing my head in.

Let me tell you about royal weddings.

I've had a few do you know who I am?

I’m Henry Tudor, yes Tudor. Without wishing to be rude or crass

these royal weddings are a pain in my Tudor ass.

Oh yes I’ve had a few, do

you want me to regale you with tales of regalia,

of conquest...

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Oh look! here comes the postman

With letters in his hands.

I hope he's brought something for me -

More red elastic bands.

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I asked you for the recipe for Lettuce Diabolical;

You turned away and shrugged as if the question was rhetorical.

Your life is filled with every contradiction and perversity,

For one who boasts diplomas from a leading University.

Your shoes, one red one black, suggest a failing in your sanity

And yet the way those babies strut proclaims your cocksure vanity.

You mentall...

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Macarthur parked his bicycle between two tartan vans

On Burns night in the Trossachs, 'twas the gathering of the clans

An evening of poetry, of rhymes and songs and ditties

While serving wenches strolled around with big plates of Mcvities

Someone read a poem about a scottish cat Mcavity

But mostly it was bawdy stuff of lewdness and depravity

Macintosh w...

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