(It is my ambition to write the greatest Christmas song ever. Not sure this would have made Christmas No 1 even if I had written it in time)

You all know Santa Claus

The saint each child adores

He brings the good ones gifts, does Pere Noel;

But I’m his kith and kin

I punish kids that sin;

I’m Krampus and I harvest souls for Hell.

And unlike brother Nick

Well, I br...

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Not that it’s a recognised event, of course, but I’m contemplating entering our Tuesday Pub Quiz Team for the 2020 Olympics.

Bear with me while I digress a little but at the 2012 London Olympics the Men’s 4 x 100m Relay Team was disqualified for dropping the baton, handing it over outside the transition area, running out of their lanes, mooning at the judges or some other infringement. Likewise...

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Yo hear me now; yo lissen hear

It’s time to wrap dis time o year

So all yo sisters an yong bloodz

Spread de word ararnd yo hudz

So trolleys up an baggies darn

An turn dat Burbry cap ararn

An wrap

Ye wrap

An all dem Aldiz an best dealz

Gimme what yo got fo realz

Scent fo sis, dem socks fo bro

An Advoca fo ma fo sho. Yo!

Check out yo knowin which is which

...

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(Hats Off, to all of you who opposed military intervention against al Assad in 2013.  John Kerry said we could not stand idly by "spectating slaughter".  But, congratulations. You did. May your God forgive you. A re-post from 2013.)

You passed a man in the street

He was beating his dog

The dog was cowed; its welts bled; its back broken

You said “Someone should do something”

And...

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(A re-post.  Because it's that time of year again when I am asked to perform a function for which I am the least suited person in the world to fulfill.  Stolen from me, of course, by that b*****d Presley)

As the snow flies -

Cos it’s Christmas here in Haddlesey

And Santa sits underneath his tree

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)

Eating warm mince pies.

And if there’s one ...

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I watched an old post on FaceBook of James O’Brien of LBC Radio today.  He was arguing as a prelude to his phone-in that, in the light of what has happened since, that if there was another referendum, the outcome would be overwhelmingly to stay.  Brexiters would take the view “I never knew this would happen”.

That:

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(A re-post from 2012, the 50th anniversary, but now apt again)

I’d never heard my mum or dad speak like that before

“Shut up!” they shouted as we played upon the kitchen floor

This photograph of memory will live for evermore.

An overbearing silence between us then ensues

Embarrassingly trodden on by the TV’s news

A charge of domesticity we kids feared to defuse.

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(An homage to that master comic lyricist, Benny Hill, and a revamp of one of his classics)

The crocus and the hostas raise your mother’s memory

I recall the vile old crow cos she looked like a horse to me

The cowslips bring back memories where they’re planted in the grass

The daft bat fell there; I said “That fat cow’s slipped on her arse”

We’d hide behind the cedar when I’d se...

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(There is not enough compassion in this world. A racing cert for Poem of the Month)

I saw her sobbing; down her face mascara made a mess;

I’m not the kind of man that walks away;

I asked her out of sympathy the cause of her distress;

She said her puppy’d died just yesterday.

She thought me a good listener, compassionate and wise

But you can’t contain grief once you lift the ...

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It was a shitty brown Triumph Dolomite so the moniker might seen apposite.  It wasn’t.  Shitty it might have been but flying it didn’t.

I had it for a couple of years in the 80’s having bought it second-hand.  Again, the phrase “second-hand” doesn’t really do it justice.  It was about as second-hand as Lilo Lil.

I enjoyed its company though albeit that it displayed all the proud workmanship ...

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While I was talking to my mate yesterday I mentioned that I was intending doing a marathon with my daughter for my 65th birthday.  Besides the satisfaction of having done it there would be the added benefit of getting fitter (or less fatter, at any rate) while I was training for it.

Then he said, “Don’t you fancy shagging 65 virgins instead?”

“What a cracking idea” I thought.  Of course, it ...

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(Apologies to Chuck and Buddy's "Brown Eyed Handsome Man")

They said he was a joker and he never stood a chance; a superficial also-ran

But the joke was on his knockers but they’re not laughing now at that Blond Comb-Over Man.

He’s gonna build a wall across the USA, all paid for by the Mexican

To keep out all the rapists and all the drug lords too says that Blond Comb-Over Man.

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(A Lost-Love poem about a girl I was in love with but never told some 40 years ago.  She left England to teach in China and is one of my true regrets)

You’re leaving for China tomorrow

A prospect I’m facing with dread

This scene will be such “sweet sorrow”

So much that I’ve left unsaid.

I’ve never told you I loved you

A cruel opportunity missed

It’s something belated I mu...

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Some years ago (about 18, as it happens) I was working on a contract at Fujitsu, near Newton Aycliffe.

We’d just finished for the day and three of us, Eric, Joe and myself, were stood at Reception sharing a bit of banter with the security guys.

“You must be raking it in, your blokes.” says Joe  “You were on last night, this morning and you’re on again now”.

“You’ve got to be joking” says ...

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(It's that Trick-or-Treat time of year again)

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards bloody cheating

Gave them sweeties, gave them money, gave them popcorn when they came

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards need a beating

I got dog doo on my doorknob, I got dog doo

Just the same.

Little Bastards took my money

Little Bastards thought i...

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I got unfriended yesterday

(A FaceBook thing, you know)

They didn’t like what I had wrote

And so I had to go.

My post was perhaps too radical

Or maybe too right-wing

It isn’t easy when folks take

Offence at everything.

Discussing stuff like adults,

I didn’t think I’d need

Prostrating acquiescence;

My “friend”, though, disagreed.

A funny thing is FaceBook, m...

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(He might be His Bobness, Nobel Prizewinner, to you but he's just plain lyrics-thief to me. A re-post to commemorate his theft of my masterpiece).

Hey, Mr Gabardine Man

Give a flash for me

I’m not prudish so let’s see what God’s bestowing you.

And hey, Mr Gabardine Man

Give a flash for me

Don’t hide your dingle-dangle organ

They’re not following you.

Outside the Barnsl...

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(I bet you didn't know this)

Penny Lane commemorates the town’s complicity

From the income it received from certain trade

And the fortune James Penny made

From shipping slaves

Across the waves.

Mr Penny at the Privy Council testified

His investigations left him satisfied

That only 1 in 12 slaves died

From leaving port

“Not bad” he’d snort.

Remember h...

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I’ve been getting in a hissy fit – I’m talking fiscally

About this tax avoidance thing that’s at the BBC,

With names that span Beeb 1 and 2 and Radio’s FiveLive

Who may have breached the rules concerning IR35;

And judging by the “tutting” of my fellow FaceBook chums

It seems that I am not alone in turning down my thumbs.

The thrust of allegations and these righteous Beeb attacks

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Michael died, in part at least, when he was 21

Michelle has had three birthdays now since Michael has been gone

She hides the Adam’s Apple that’s protruding from her throat

By wearing her pashmina and top-buttoning her coat

She’s raised her voice an octave and has mastered gentle talk

But cannot hide the strident clumsiness in Michael’s walk

Michael died, in part at least, when h...

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It’s Me.

And I’m not talking about spiritual fulfilment or happiness or inner peace or any of that tree-hugging stuff.  I’m talking about money.

I say this because I cannot think of a single material thing I want, let alone need.

But let me put this into some context for you.

Yes, I have my own house, a car, caravan, take holidays when I want etc.  But this is only a fraction of my “pr...

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(An original stolen from me by Al Jolson)

Sammy, Sammy.

They made for you the famous quote.

“He’s as bent as a nine-bob note”.

Sammy, Sammy

You’re no longer whiter than that Gandhi.

First, Big Sam

Was on the look-out for a quick bung

Now Big Sam

Is sorry that he’s ended up stung

Sammy, Sammy

You flew a thousand miles

To make a quick pile

My Sammy.

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(Just returned from another splendid holiday down there)

There’s few other places that I’d rather be

Than Milford, New Milton or Barton-on-Sea

On a warm sunny day as the wind gently lifts

The smell of the sea from the shore up the cliffs;

You might catch a glimpse of a buzzard or two

Spiralling thermally if no breezes blew,

Wheeling and mewing and quartering around

The...

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I’ve got Sunblest for my snap today

But if I protest I get it anyway;

I hear you say

“Why don’t you just get away?”

From Our Gert

I’m talkin’ ‘bout Our Gert.

When it’s cold outside she sends me out to play;

When it hot inside , it’s “Paint the passageway”

I hear you say

“You must honour and obey”

Our Gert

I’m talkin’ ‘bout Our Gert.

I had so much ...

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(In trouble again.  I wrote this a few days ago before his latest transgression)

I saw your picture in the papers a few weeks ago.  You made a pathetic sight, stumbling from a taxi in an open bathrobe with your privates in full view of the press hyenas; a trip to the store for a bottle.  You and the bottle – a marriage made in Hell.

I didn’t want to see this.

I wanted to see you “daf...

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She laughs.

Enthusiastically,

and a second or two too long.

she wears a top by Versace

And has Raybans on her head.

The man is older

and looks like money;

wants to look like money.

She looks at him

over her empty latte;

always at him.

he looks at the rest of us.

They are in love;

she with his money,

he with himself.

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(A re-post, but I dreamt about it again)

“Why don’t you leave your boots on?”

She said, as I walked through the door,

“There’s nothing to spoil in the kitchen;

There’s nothing to spoil on the floor”.

And later on in that evening

As I kissed her softly I said,

“Why don’t you leave your boots on?

There’s nothing to spoil on the bed”

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Oh Dear, What can the matter be?

All the passengers sat on the lavatory

So Jezza demonstrates class solidarity

Sitting like us the floor.

So not for Jezza a First Class upgrading

This ordinary bloke is out Party crusading

But, dear, oh dear, his halo starts fading

As soon as the filming’s been done.

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Stress.

Now there’s a generational thing.

I mean, whoever heard of stress 50 years ago? 

Perhaps they didn’t have the highly pressurised lives we lead today.

I’d look well telling my grandad that in Heaven.

“Oh, you did?” he’d say.  “Was it from the Bosch trying to shoot your bollocks off?”

No. Their generation and others before them ( and, come to think of it, today’s socie...

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(Some of you old 'uns need to be careful)

I used to work with Alec 30 years ago.

He was a camp little fucker; not gay, especially, but he said he helped them out if they were busy.  In the Navy they’d say that “He’d fuck an old bayonet wound”.

Anyway, he was telling us once about his dad.  He’d have been in his 80’s and in his last days Alec had gone visiting him everyday at his own ...

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(With an enormous nod to the original by the incomparable Flanders and Swann)

The nation has got in a hell of a state

Let’s get out of Europe and make Britain great

Let’s pull up the drawbridge and then start anew.

And blame it on Hollande and Merkel’s EU.

This European Union is quite a rum do

We English are much better off without you.

We’ve fought for the Belg...

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(Back by popular request, my mankini)

Look what they done to my thong, Ma

Look what they done to my thong, Ma

The posing pouch is very small, the waistband very long, Ma

Look what they done to my thong.

I can’t buy clothes off the shelves, Ma

I can’t buy clothes off the shelves, Ma

I need my basque in XOS and high heels in size 12, Ma

I can’t buy clothes off the s...

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Doctor, I’m in trouble. What can you do for me?

I’ve taken drugs but not for bugs since we’re CCCP.

It’s not the taking part but the winning; so my heart

It goes boom boody boom boody boom boody boom

It’s pounding from anxiety

Boom boody boom boody boom boody boom

Oh, fuck the IOC!

Doctor, I’m in trouble.  It seems the powers that be

Will take the stand the Mother...

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(Returned recently from Devon where they eat the bloody thing upside-down)

Can any treat make me a more content man

Than clotted cream, scone and blackcurrant jam?

At mid-afternoon on a fine English day

With a steaming hot teapot of Twinings Earl Grey.

Along with young women a Cornishman’s dream

Is spun round Free Kernow and fresh clotted cream;

He’ll hark back to days wh...

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Some sound advice I picked up on the Internet.

Have you ever been standing at a cash machine and been a little unnerved by someone standing behind you? Imagine how much more disconcerting it must be for a lone woman.

Next time you find yourself queueing behind a woman at the hole-in-the-wall show her that you pose no threat by quietly approaching her from behind and gently kissing her on the...

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(I've been to a Party and I've been to a Funeral but I've never before seen a Party going to a Funeral)

This is The Dance of the Socialists

The Moderates, the Activists;

This is The Dance of the Socialists that’s led by Jeremy Corbyn.

These are Jeremy’s activists,

The pacifists, the Trotskyists;

300,000 membership that venerate Jeremy Corbyn.

These are the Membe...

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Rattling Raina (for those of you with black and white sets it rhymes with “hyena”) was a bus driver.  She usually did the Selby-Donny run.

She was called “Rattling” not because of her energies in bed but because of the ride she gave on her bus.  At Blackpool Pleasure Beach it would have cost you 40 or 50 pence these days, I bet, for such a lively equivalent.

She drove 15 yards at a time...

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Among the several attractions

of Death,

one stands out for me.

 Eternity.

It should give me plenty of scope

to hide from Our Gert.

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(Just returned from holiday in Dorset.  I suspect you will have the wrong idea about "doggers")

A coach discharges youngsters who from college may have fled

All chattering and brightly clothed and by their tutor led

They come, it’s clear, from far and near

To study unique flora here

A true botanic biosphere is Hengistbury Head.

The tide’s inrush at Mudeford for centurie...

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Feel it’s all gone black since EU Brexit

Talk about the trouble I have seen

First that Tusk shows us the door that’s marked with “Exit”

They want us out; they want it quick and clean.

The spoils have gone to winners, Gove and Johnson

Each though wears a face like a smacked arse

Cos they’re hoist by their petard of claims so wanton

They’ve got no plan for Brexit.  What a f...

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(I think Boris's buffoon mask has well and truly slipped.  He has shown himself to be a proper self-server.  But it has backfired.  He never thought they would win and now I think he is shitting himself.)

Think of all the money we’ll save on those bureaucrat’s excess

With the millions saved from Brexit we shall fund the NHS

And for us

On our campaign bus

Spin like this will bri...

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(A re-post but always worth it for these occasions)

A professor of medicine from Chile

Is conducting research you'd think silly

His study comprises

Comparing the sizes

(I can see that you've guessed) of men's willies.

It seems the good Doctor's detected

Amongst the sample selected

That phalluses fall

Into “normal” or “small”

(That's under 2 inch when erected...

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Apropos my contribution that, at my time of life, dreams are a monopoly source of inspiration for my erotic poetry (see Graham Sherwood's discussion piece) I thought I would share last night's viewing.

it was unusual in that it displayed a recurrent lack of ambition and at the same time, enormous ambition.

As per normal I was getting my nob sucked but doing it was (wait for it).....

........

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I'm looking for the perfect match

(I've searched the world with vigour)

I seek a bird with tiny hands

To make my bone look bigger.

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(An homage to the great man; a re-post I did from 2014, the 40 year anniversary of The Rumble in the Jungle)

I watched a giant on the screen in terror and in awe

The man who’d battered Frazier, Norton and so many more

I was 22 years old in 1974.

“Ali’s lost his speed these days. He’ll kill him” they all said

Foreman had the muscle tone, his biceps big as thighs

He had t...

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In those days Roy was what was known in old money as, “Not Quite a Full Shilling”.  He was harmless enough but slow on the uptake.  These days we’d say he was “challenged” by something or other.

We bullied him mercilessly.  On one occasion I remember we stripped off his clothes and threw him into some nettles.  I also remember getting an erection at the time; I would have been about seven or ei...

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It’s occurred to me recently how enormously impressive is the range in design of corkscrews.

I managed for years with a conventional one; one-pieced with a T-bar, as I still have on my penknife.

But now I may choose between those with a collar and side-arms, those which lever on the bottle’s neck or even those which inject gas to pop the cork out.  There’s the Raymond Blanc, the rechargeable...

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Thankyou, Boys, for what you did;

You helped Old Coops donate 300 quid.

So Thankyou Graham, Ken and Stu,

And Thankyou Greg and Harry, MC too.

Six Old Gits who gave a toss

And gave a bob or two to The Red Cross.

Perhaps some village on some map

Will get its water now from out the tap.

Perhaps they bought within their price

A sack or two of precious grain or rice.

Perha...

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I thought that I'd wear this mankini

(You'll note that it covers my weanie)

I'll wear it because

It's for the Red Cross

So stump up and don't be a meanie.

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I’m abseiling, I’m abseiling

For the Red Cross charity

Thought I ought to, with my daughter

We’re abseiling

Her and me.

I would reckon the 22nd

Day of May I’ll poop my pants

Sweet St Peter!  80 metres!

Dangling down –

no second chance!

Seeking pledges for our wedgies

From a cable up the crotch

Seeking sponsors, so your responses

Are most welcome

...

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