(Does this complete my miscellany of Christmas Brexit songs?  Wait and see)

I’m dreaming of a hard Brexit

So we can make Great Britain great

Then the British nation

Can halt immigration

And send the Polacks back. But wait!

My dreaming of a hard Brexit

Has now been stuffed by Mrs May

She has blown Hard Brexit away

Cos the Poles and all others now can stay.

Read and leave comments (4)

("One season wonder; he's just a one season wonder". A re-post. But, there again, there will be plenty of them as he keeps scoring hat-tricks)

I‘ve fallen for another man

A man that I would marry;

And though I know I never can

I’ve lost my heart to Harry.

Hats off to Harry; he’ll break your heart

He’ll take your best defence and tear it apart

Our home-grown guy will ...

Read and leave comments (6)

(A re-post for all the little children at Christmas)

You all know Santa Claus

The saint each child adores

He brings the good ones gifts, does Pere Noel;

But I’m his kith and kin

I punish kids that sin;

I’m Krampus and I harvest souls for Hell.

And unlike brother Nick

Well, I bring a big stick

To beat the naughty children till they yell,

“Have mercy, Santa, p...

Read and leave comments (3)

(The third in my Carols for a Brexit Christmas series)

We Three Things your obstacles are

Immigrants you’d like to debar

You also ignored a

Neighbour’s border

Thirdly, your bill so far.

Send them home to Poland today

This is why we voted that way.

Wait a second!

We never reckoned

Treeza would let them stay.

Ignorance we thought to be bliss

“Vote f...

Read and leave comments (4)

(The second of my Brexit Christmas Carols)

We’ll wreck it all with Brexit folly

Fa la la la la la la la la”

Half the nation’s off its trolley

Fa la la la la la la la la”

“Shove two fingers up to Europe

Let’s take back our sovereignty”

Nothing can explain why we would

Vote so suicidally.

To an economic grave is

Fa la la la la la la la la”

Where we’re led b...

Read and leave comments (4)

Since it cost me nearly twenty thousand pound

I asked in morbid curiosity

“So tell me, dearest daughter, how've you found

Your first year at the University?”

She must have thought she'd have me for a fool

So tongue in cheek she answered very drolL

“It's pretty much as your days, Dad, at school -

A life of sex and drugs and Rock 'n' Roll”.

Well, at these words...

Read and leave comments (2)

(I heard the title suggested by a caller on Radio 5Live this morning and I thought, "There's a poem there!")

God Bless Ye Merrie Brexit Men whom nothing shall dismay

Your triumph of democracy was Referendum Day

Ye saved us all from Europe’s powers but stuffed Theresa May

While yon Corbyn just rubs his hands with joy

Unbridled joy

Yes, he rubs his hands with gladness and with...

Read and leave comments (8)

(A couple of years ago I had the honour to be invited to co-write the school song for our village school. The recording is of the children singing it at one of their concerts.  There is something selfishly flattering about hearing something you've created being performed by others).

On mornings when I feel so blue

and my spirits saddened

I join with all my friends at school

where ...

Read and leave comments (2)

The half-term is now over and the kids all back in school

The ashes on the bonfire seem so sad when wet and cool

No sooner have the trick-or-treaters buggered off than then

It’s lousy rotten Christmas time again.

The tinsel in shop windows and huge santas look so crass

For Heaven’s sake, you’d think they’d wait and let November pass!

It’s time to hand your hard-earned cash t...

Read and leave comments (6)

I’d just cleaned up the clagnuts of a right humongous dump

When my reverie it got disturbed and on the door a thump

Announced the cleaner’s coming so I quickly let her in;

She raced hot-foot into the bog and bent beside the rim

Proceeding with her bogbrush to scour the crap within;

I saw we shared a fetish which is difficult to find

So I lifted up her tabard and I blobbed her fro...

Read and leave comments (0)

Everybody’s doing The Tax Evasion

(Come on, baby, do some tax evasion)

Stashing all your cash abroad and fleecing the nation

(Come on, baby, do some tax evasion)

So be like Lewis Hamilton avoiding tax

We’ve scams to offset yachts and planes and Cadillacs

So come on, come on

Do some tax evasion today;

You oughta hide your cash away.

Come on, baby

We’re lax, so lax

I...

Read and leave comments (11)

(A little belated.  He died in 1982.  But never forgotten.)

This elergy marks t’sad decline o’ Barnsley’s market ‘all

Epitomised by t’absence of one vacant butcher’s stall.

Its loss a cause o’ lamentation, keening an’ far worse

Purveyor ‘ere par excellence of pies – owd Albert ‘irst.

They mun speak o’ Melton Mowbray but owd Albert ‘ad ‘em beat

Not least because ‘is grow...

Read and leave comments (5)

The fashion today’s

For Free Verse, I’d say

But I find the discipline neater

To write poetry

Accentually;

The soul of the work is The Metre.

I’m not autocratic

Nor even dogmatic

And occasionally I might complete a

Piece without form,

Which isn’t my norm,

But then I return to The Metre.

Sometimes there’s a price

For being precise

You’ll need, now ...

Read and leave comments (6)

(A song stolen from me by Hot Chocolate when they titled their plagiarised cover version, "Emma, Emma Emmeline". At least they had the good grace to nod in my direction by calling themselves Hot Chocolate.  A certainty for Poem of the Week.)

I saw your business card and photo in the booth;

It said that you were 21 and that’s the truth;

Your legs were long, your boobs were firm, bum l...

Read and leave comments (2)

It started with a kiss,

Never thought it would come to this;

I’m labelled as it is

A predator misogynist;

You and I had danced all night

Beneath the strobe light’s glow,

So when we reached the dance floor’s edge

Underneath the mistletoe

Your cheek was resting on my chest;

I lifted up your head

And kissed your forehead gently then;

I must have been misled;

But ho...

Read and leave comments (2)

(A poem written for my son-in-law to read at the funeral of his mate who was killed by a hit-and-run driver recently. He didn't want anything mawkish)

I know this bloke – a friend of mine

We’ve shared some laughs, some special times

He liked a beer, he liked a wine;

Yep, that’s Michael.

I knew him well as you did too

If you don’t mind then what I’ll do

Is share my me...

Read and leave comments (6)

…and here’s another thing.  This occurred to me after ruminating that eskimos have over 30 words for “snow”.  Likewise, and equally apocryphally, Bedouin Arabs have huggins of words for “sand”.

It comes from the fact that if snow and sand is all you’ve got to look at all day, you’ll rabbit on about it in fine distinctions, rather like the numpties who can discern differences between Coronation ...

Read and leave comments (0)

We praised the God of Yorkshire that October afternoon

It’s not a day we’ll be forgetting sometime very soon;

The scoreboard told the story – it had ended 2 to 1

We sang songs to their glory – the Terriers had won!

They blamed the pitch; they blamed the ref. Oh, how United squealed!

They might have beat Benfica…

                        …but they lost to Huddersfield!

We s...

Read and leave comments (9)

I'm intrigued by the recent "Me Too" movement which is born from the revelations about Harvey Wallbanger, movie mogul, cinema tsar, casting couch Cassanova et al.

Let me say from the off that I have no truck whatsoever with men who do not know that "No" means "No". Beyond "No" it is rape, pure and simple. But I am a bit perplexed by posts I have read which lump unwanted sexual advances into the...

Read and leave comments (2)

I’ve seen many movies that starred Vincent Price

Or Karloff or Christopher Lee

I’ve watched at the cinema or on the box

Where I’ve peeped from behind the settee.

I saw Captain Quint get clean bit in half

By a fish we just knew as Jaws

The Exorcist too made me sweat at what next

They’d find behind those bedroom doors.

The genre I fear most of all of these, though,

Th...

Read and leave comments (6)

Cammie called George when he got the word

He said “ I suppose you’ve heard about Boris?”

George rushed to the telly, put the news on live

He could hardly believe his eyes

There was Treeza with her P45

And Boris.

They weren’t little children who played at their school

They weren’t teenage sweethearts love made into fools

But for several years she’s been sitting next doo...

Read and leave comments (2)

(Sometimes you try to write and nothing comes. Sometimes the Gods of Parody drop one in your lap)

Treeza chancin’                her luck at the scene

Treeza hopin’                    to recapture her dream

Lead the Party                   restore some control

Then some pillock            says Treez on the dole.

A Party gate-crasher with her P45

A Party gate-crasher wit...

Read and leave comments (0)

I‘ve fallen for another man

A man that I would marry;

And though I know I never can

I’ve lost my heart to Harry.

Hats off to Harry; he’ll break your heart

He’ll take your best defence and tear it apart

Our home-grown guy will make you others cry cry cry

Hat-trick Harry’s hit the net again.

In Autumn and in Springtime too

Or winter when it’s raining

You know ...

Read and leave comments (5)

CHAPTER VI – HOUSEWORK

The newly married man of today faces challenges unknown to his father and grandfather.  Sexual equality has pushed him towards the domain of housework, previously the preserve of his wife; interestingly, without reciprocity in the fields of car washing and mowing the lawns.

But not to despair.  The keynote here is “Managing Expectations”.

A rookie will be tempted to...

Read and leave comments (2)

(A re-post from 5 years ago but you can't get enough of culture.  Laughing Lenny stole this from me).

I remember it well, “The Crossroads Motel”

Your acting consistently shite,

Giving my head through the script being read

A migraine that lasted all night;

But those were the days; I rode BSAs;

We watched on our screens black and white;

Your actors were poor, the walls and ...

Read and leave comments (3)

Well, me hear folks tellin’ me them Biskit Blues ‘in’t bad

Yeah, me hear folks tellin’ me them Biskit Blues ‘in’t bad

Bad Biskit Blues most worse me ever had.

Well, me told mi bitch to make me cup o’ tea

Milk, two sugars in mi Yorkshire tea

“You make your own and one for me,” says she.

Now you know me, me top dog gangsta man

Haddlesey Massive Boss is what me am

So...

Read and leave comments (2)

As worldwide fans will know, besides my literary prowess in the field of poetry, I also do folk open mics. I am acutely aware however that I am a poor singer and feel the need to apologise for this. I also explain that I am far from the best guitarist. But I add that I am, however, the best looking.

Read and leave comments (2)

Besides, why the bloody hell do they feel the need to look so miserable? Do they imagine if they looked more happy-go-lucky that I'd be less likely to part with my 2p? Well they're regally wrong.

Now don't misunderstand me. I never pass a busker or street entertainer without chucking them a few bob. They enrich my day. But I'll be buggered if I'm going to subsidise some scuzzie's fags or Kennom...

Read and leave comments (2)

He put some hours in at the Abbey, did Luuk.  Just as a volunteer, you understand.  Mostly in the café but he’d lend a hand humping and shoving if heavier work needed it.

He was Dutch and spoke good English with that clipped precision of his countrymen.  His biggest giveaway were “S’s” which, like many other Dutch people he pronounced “Sh”.  He was a big bloke and always eating and I remember h...

Read and leave comments (2)

I noticed just the other day my trousers wouldn’t fit

The waistband button wouldn’t meet the eyelet opposite

Our Gert took in this sorry sight and then got in a huff

“You’re going on a diet with me” she said. “Enough’s enough”.

She brought a Slimming World plan home and said I’d have to try it

Courgette and sweet potato bake – what a fucking diet!

There’s green tea and ...

Read and leave comments (2)

They reckon a man needs an ‘obby

To balance ‘is work, rest and play;

An’ also there’s summat about Idle ‘Ands

And keeping the devil at bay.

Meself, I’ve tried some pastimes and games

But just when I get in the groove

Our Gert makes ‘er views abundantly plain;

It’s clear – Our Gert don’t approve!

I ought to provide some examples

To substantiate just what I mean,

Read and leave comments (4)

(It's our 37th wedding anniversary shortly)

I splashed out on this greetings card,

It cost me 50p,

I thought that you were worth it,

For putting up with me.

But yours, I know, will cost far more,

(Perhaps a quid or two),

But that’s because I’m worth far more,

For putting up with you.

Read and leave comments (5)

(They really could be a right set of bastards.  And the thing that's "warm and wet" might be described as a form of aural sex).

A collier's to be found

A mile underground

And not in the sunlight like other hominids

Though he loves his mates and wife

His would cut them like a knife

There's no humour crueller than colliers and kids.

A fat kid hears the cries

Of “Who...

Read and leave comments (0)

(Inspired by the current World Athletics Championships to re-post this.  It pulls together two important threads of drug abuse in athletics with one of my many puerile sexual fetishes.  For younger viewers the GDR was the ironically named German Democratic Republic - East Germany).

Those hotties from the GDR

Who putt the shot or cleared the bar

Or sprinted for a 100 metres

Were tr...

Read and leave comments (2)

(An old song from after the 2012 Olympic Games.  I never got round to posting it)

Hey Mo!

What you doing with that gold in your hand, now?

Hey Mo!

What you doing with more gold in your other hand, now?

“I’ll show the world this gold from the rostrum stand, now.”

Hey Mo!

No-one alive can run the way that you ran, now

Hey Mo!

No-one alive can run the way that you...

Read and leave comments (6)

(A re-post.  But you can't have enough culture, I say)

I thought I’d address my wobbly gut

And give liposuction a try

Cos slimming alone wouldn’t do what I want

And this is my main reason why.

It’s not that I want to lower my weight

I’m perfectly happy to stick

I just want to redistribute some of my fat

By having it pumped in my prick.

Read and leave comments (6)

When my dad was in his failing years my sister, Linda, and I used to visit him in his sheltered accommodation at Worksop (she, I confess, much more frequently than me).

She tells me the tale about one of her visits.

They’d talked for an hour or more when she asked him out of the blue,

“Do you have any regrets about your life, dad; anything you’d do differently if you had your time again?”...

Read and leave comments (4)

I’ve been thinking a lot about my grandad recently. He died almost 60 years ago when I was about seven (I think).

He’d been a miner and had been blacked by the coalowners from the pits of Nottinghamshire for striking.  My grandmother, with six kids to feed, threw him out and told him not to come back until he had found work.  So he walked to Doncaster (around 40 miles away) and got a job at Ben...

Read and leave comments (6)

You will know, my friend, that these rings plot the age of the tree. Count them and you will find its age. Few, however, can read their individual story – a story as unique as the snail’s shell or the lines on your own hand.  Pull closer and watch.

This outermost ring differs in colour slightly from the rest.  It is the oldest and makes the start of ageing decay, when the wood is said to become...

Read and leave comments (2)

Now de Party was nice and de Party was thumpin’

( Hup, hup, hup, Yippi-i-o)

Treez she de boss – no hassle at all

( Hup, hup, hup, Yippi-i-o)

But now it’s not so Treeza weeza dumpin’

(Yippi-i-o)

So who’ll be next? Who ye gonna call?

Who let Rees-Mogg out (woof, woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let Rees-Mogg out (woof, woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let Rees-Mogg out (woof, w...

Read and leave comments (7)

I hear it said Theresa needs to go, quick and clean

“She’s got no right to govern with seats of just 318”;

But does it ever occur unto you,

How come that Jezza does with 262?

I know that I’m no Mastermind nor am I entirely green;

It baffles me a little though why it is May’s 318

Is thought to be a number too few

Compared with Jezza’s fewer 262.

They say she has no...

Read and leave comments (4)

(Yer tiz. Not really a "Part 2" but a re-post of a recent one but with added audio for the delectation and delight of my worldwide fans)

Never thought I’d see you look so weak and wobbly tonight

As Champion of the Right

And so unstable;

Never thought I’d see your Party in such disarray

They’re after you Mrs May

A Tower of Babel.

You have never seemed so desperate

And i...

Read and leave comments (13)

I am aware that many of my WOL chums see me as a little hard-hearted. Perhaps an incident that happened the other day will mollify this somewhat.

It was in Brighton and it was stonking hot. Our Gert and me decided to get an ice cream. But on the prom these could cost you £2.50 or more! So we found a Sainsbury's where we got a pack of three Soleros for £1.50. Result.

We were eating them when ...

Read and leave comments (7)

( Chopped this one into little lines to make it a proper poem)

There were four or maybe five of them.

He couldn't quite make out.

And obviously the one holding the phone.

And her

There was laughing

And screaming

Then the laughing stopped

But not the screaming

After a few minutes that stopped too.

The only sounds left were solitary voices

Brave voices

Read and leave comments (0)

I've always been disgusted to see old blokes who'd pissed down their fronts.  Well, I suppose that age has now granted me some wisdom into this phenomenon, which I ascribe to a number of factors.

1.  As a man gets older his waistline thickens so he pulls his trousers up ever higher to his narrowest girth, usually just under his tits. (The significance of this will soon be apparent).

2.  This...

Read and leave comments (5)

(Unable to post an audio or pic on the iPad as I am on holiwags.  But it seemed there was an urgency to post this before she went!)

Never thought I'd see you look so weak and wobbly tonight,

Champion of the Right;

You look unstable.

Never thought I'd see your Party in disarray,

At odds with you, Mrs May -

A Tower of Babel;

You have never seemed so desperate

And in need...

Read and leave comments (7)

It’s a matter of some pride to me that I am one of the few remaining people to retain a measure of admiration for Tony Blair.  It’s always seemed to me that his reputation has been blighted by his biggest mistake.

What is largely overlooked these days about him and his governments is that he

Read and leave comments (10)

Despite attaining most seats

The Tories don’t cheer in the streets;

There’s no horsey din

For they barely scraped in

With a Win that feels like Defeat.

It’s Labour who gortle and grin,

Delighting in rubbing it in;

They preen with conceit

In blogs and in tweets

With Defeat that feels like a Win.

Read and leave comments (8)

(Commissioned to write some poems for a Poetry Garden.  I thought, "What a cracking idea!  I'll do one for myself").

The Rockery

Profusive colour you will see

Amid this floodbank rockery;

There’s primrose and geranium

And shy mesembryanthemum;

Bright marigolds bob and wink

Dianthus add a splash of pink;

And never have I had a failure

When I’ve planted pompom dahlias...

Read and leave comments (7)

Two of the most popular women at Durham when I was a student there were The Gobbler and Black Dog.  I didn’t know their real names – I wasn’t in their company long enough to find out.

But they were good sports and did their best on the back seat of the rugby coach as we returned from away matches to commiserate with the team if we’d lost or celebrate if we’d won.  The remedy was the same.

Th...

Read and leave comments (4)