I’m old enough that I have seen him live upon our telly

Though not in ‘58 or ‘62

A number 10 in blue and gold whose name we knew as Pele.

 

His grace suggested poetry of Byron, Keats or Shelley

A ballet dancer cast in gold and blue

(I learned this from the magazines and not from our old telly).

 

The players in opposing teams had legs that looked like jelly

”Go left? Go ...

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Let me bang the gong

For a cup that’s more strong

The choice for aficianados;

In Spain they guffaw

With a sneery haw-haw

When our coffee shops serve up cortados.

 

But while enjoying a jar

In some tapas bar

Or cantina that you might be stood in

If you’re in Benidorm

Don’t kick up a storm

At their putt at a real Yorkshire Pudding.

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1        England is still a little way off the top table yet.  You need to be a blind optimist to believe we could have beaten France or Argentina (or Brazil, for that matter).  Indeed, we had our chance against France and, true to our standing as “plucky Brits”, failed.

 

2        Harry Kane’s penalty taking is not infallible.

 

3        On their day anyone can beat or lose to an...

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Inspired by the Salvation Army I think I've given Gustav Holst and Christina Rossetti a run for their money.

 

In the bleak mid-winter

Doorway for a home

Cold and wet and hungry

Christmas Day alone;

Veteran of country’s wars

With PTSD

Nation of the caring

Nation of the free.

 

In the bleak mid-winter

Low as low can get

Simply one of many

Slipping through t...

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Something "safe" to appease the censors.

 

I was surfing the channels of late night TV

But none of the channels for “adults” were free

There seemed nothing else that’s of interest to me

So I thought I might give a bash

To an half hour of Bangers and Cash.

 

For those unfamiliar this is the tale.

The programme is set in Thornton le Dale

Where auctioneers Mathewson’s of...

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I’ve heard it said a few times before that if you’re unsure when it’s “bin day” have a gander over the road at the old gimmer there.

That’ll tell you.

It’s the highlight of a pensioner’s week is bin day.

And now I’ve become an old gimmer myself I can vouch for this.

On occasions, if we’re going away for a few days for a little rest and recoopeyration from the frenzied lives we lead, I’...

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At small and amateur league clubs throughout the North you’ll see

A game in which new codes of courtesy have been applied

Where stickered posters all implore, “Respect the Referee”.

 

But donkey’s years of habit aren’t erased so easily

Despite attempts to gentrify the game they’ve lately tried

At small-town clubs throughout the North the evidence you’ll see.

 

Intermittent ...

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I’m working my way through Hemingway’s “For Whom the Bell Tolls” and, I have to say, I’m finding it quite challenging.  Mainly, because although the narrative is straightforward enough, dialogue is written as a structural and literal translation of what the Spanish would have been.

Hence there are sentences like,

“And thee, Roderigo, can’st thou say thou hast never a woman struck?”

I foun...

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I think it's not too early for a Crimble song

 

Now Christmas time is coming – it’s goodwill to all mankind

And some hope that nice presents in their stocking they might find

But, Santa please, I beg you though unlikely as it seems

It’s nine points over Christmas that I dream of in my dreams.

 

The wife would like the kitchen done but secretly I moan

“That’s too much brass”...

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Deutschland, Deutschland Uber Taxi

Take them to the aerodrome

Deutschland fu$ball packed und boarding

On Lufthansa flight back home.

Klose, Klinsmann, Rummenigge,

Beckenbauer und Muller too

Vier times champions, Uber Alles

Vier more painful years for you.

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I’m puzzled by your pedigree

I wonder if you’re refugee

What with your skin so ebony

So where do you come from?

 

And by the riot of your dress

You clearly don’t show Britishness

So I’m prepared to make a guess

At where you’re really from.

 

Perhaps from Bechuanaland?

Or maybe it is Swaziland?

I’ve got it!  It’s Nyasaland

Is that where you come from?

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Before you put them away neatly coiled last year you checked them and they worked.

You took them out this year and they have inextricably entangled themselves; and they don’t work.

You wonder why, but you needn’t.  The answer is in the name, Fairy Lights.  It is, of course, the fairies who make them work.

But where ever there are fairies there are hobgoblins and it is their work to s...

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They’re blaming the Russians, they’re blaming the war

They blame the pandemic we suffered before

They’re blaming Liz Truss who’s been shown the door

But no-one dare blame for this gloom

The elephant in the room.

 

They say the supply of labour’s too few

They’re blaming the energy companies too

They’re blaming inflation – well that’s nothing new

But no-one dare blame...

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I couldn’t get into all that sentimental schmaltz that pervaded our media a month or two ago.  I’m talking about the queen’s death.  Echoes of Princess Di and all that, which equally left me in disinterest.  But I did gauge that it wasn’t quite the right time to post anything on the matter which was less than self-flagellatory.

See, I’m not an avid monarchist.  But, equally, I’m not an avi...

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I quickly learned that working for the National Coal Board built up loyalties.  I suppose it came from an environment where men (-no women worked underground by law-) might depend on one another for their lives.  I imagine the same will be true of the armed services or the police and other sectors which operated “on the edge” – where danger, injury or even death might always be around the corner.

...

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I never part with money

To mendicants I meet

Who shelter in shop doorways

Along the city streets.

I fear they wouldn’t  spend it

In escaping from the rain

But rather on White Cider

Or a hit of crack cocaine.

 

But happily I’ll shell out for

A homeless man who begs

On a voucher for a meal and drink

That you can buy from Greggs.

You might not like what I w...

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I never used to think about mortality much, not mine at any rate.  I had the whole of my life in front of me.  I’ve still got the whole of my life in front of me but, perversely, there’s three quarters of it behind me.

It isn’t that I hide from the Grim Reaper’s scythe every day; it’s that bodily functions I used to take for granted start to mock me.  And I’m not talking about the expected ones...

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Not exactly "remembrance" in the conventional sense, but worth a sortie into the murderous mathematics of military history.  A lethal game of rock, paper, scissors.

 

The foundations on which we built Empire

Are scarcely a secret to share

The offensive force of musketry fire

The defensive strength of the square.

 

The advantages of the musketry line

Are best learned mathema...

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(There's a bit of slipping on the audio)

 

…Record I bought sits out on a limb with other peoples’ – the common denominator to most of theirs being an “embarrassment” factor.

Take my mate Colin, for example.  He’s a retired fitter who spent donkey’s years working underground for the Coal Board.  As solid and upstanding a bloke as you could meet in a long day’s march.

But I suspect he m...

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Where was I last night on Halloween? (A hardy perennial re-post)

 

The mission’s not impossible; it is not even hard;

I just enact the script for Him - a player, nothing more;

It’s happened in the future once it’s become His Word,

Which is to purge creation of the Babylonian Whore.

 

She worms her way through history, corrupted to the core;

In Adam’s fated fall from grace h...

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Something a little disturbing for Halloween.

 

In those halcyon days of public executions hanging people was a bit of a hit-and-miss affair.  The “science” of determining the drop needed, based on the height and weight of the condemned man or woman, was at best rudimentary and at worse not used. The result was that rather than a quick death from a broken neck the condemned would slowly and p...

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Who’d’a believed it?  Just a few short weeks ago he was out in the wilderness –

A former Chancellor dropped from the first team by Captain Truss Beaten to that position on the say-so of 160,000  blue rinses The “socialist” who alluded to higher taxes And reviled as Boris’s backstabber-in-chief by many of his fellow MPs

Then lo! Behold the implosion of Disastrussonomics.

Predict...

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Jesus! I can't write fast enough to keep up with events on the ground.  She's gone!

 

I gave my solemn oath

To you for Growth, Growth, Growth

I couldn’t then conceive

That it was only make believe.

 

The higher rate of income tax

I pledged that I’d relax

No VAT for tourists to GB

And income tax at 19p

I promised that I’d lose

The duty on your booze

And that I...

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So, it's starting to piss me off - the current fashion for starting off an answer with "So". Its taken over from random "Likes" in limited vocabularies. So, pack it in!

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Now I’ve woke up

To this stark reality

That she needs a fall-guy and that stooge is me.

 

Now I’ve woke up

To that’s why she’s brought me back,

Not to share the blame but stab me in the back.

 

Now I’ve woke up

Realising what I am

I’m simply Truss’s sacrificial lamb

 

And I have flown 5000 miles

I had no time to even pack

I’ve raced back so this lousy bi...

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It’s one of those things that’s never occurred to me before, but the onset of dementia in my mother-in-law prompted the thought.  What happens to old spies?

I can’t see any reason why those previously engaged in the Security Services should be immune from its clutches.  And how great a risk is it to a nation to have thousands of spies, each privy to secrets of varying national importance, stumb...

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It pleases me to see black and brown players of African, Asian and Caribbean heritage playing at all levels of sport.  It pleases me.

It pleases me to see couples, one white one black, with kids of mixed race in tow.  It pleases me.

It pleases me to see black and brown politicians at the highest levels of government.  It pleases me.

It pleases me to see them at all levels of society.

...

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Hot on the heels of the news story of the chess cheat who allegedly had vibrating anal beads "about his person" comes this news item of cheating in a big money fishing match in America.

 

Your cheatin’ carp’s

A scam that’s new

But Your Cheating Carp

Will tell on you.

 

Your Cheating Carp

At first prevails;

Your Cheating Carp

Has bust the scales.

 

Your Cheating ...

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I can’t dispel the image of shit flushing down the khazi

Or handbrake turns to spin around a double decker bus

Fear not, though, for embarrassment is not afflicting Kwasi

And neither is it suffered by Liz Truss.

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If this news item has passed you by, I suggest you google “Chess Cheat”.

 

For cheating at the game of chess

There’s nothing better supersedes

Electronic codes my team

Sends my vibrating anal beads.

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It's Glasgow or it's Liverpool

That's hosting where it's at;

But I shall not be watching

This Festival of Tat.

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After the armies moved on, either routed or doing the routing, the field would be left to the looters.  Soldiers, no doubt, but also camp followers such as wives, prostitutes and baggage train minders, along with any locals.  They’d loot the dead, dying and wounded of anything of value – coins, clothing, weaponry, rings, boots.  Even teeth were pulled out with pliers, which for years were known as...

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I’ll tell you what pisses me off, seeing as you’re interested; that’s the scrotes who aren’t disabled that park in Blue Badge parking spots.

Now I know what you’re thinking.  “How do you know they’re not disabled? Not all disabilities are visible, you know”.

Ok.  I buy this. And I have to say that I’m not above the hypocrisy of parking there myself when other places aren’t available.  Take l...

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Well worth the re-post today.

 

You’ve seen this happen times before

You’ve read the script, you know the score

You know it’s coming once again

From Heung-min Son to Harry Kane.

 

The ever-present threat is there

It’s peril to ignore this pair

A quick glance up – the pass is on

From Harry Kane to Heung-min Son.

 

From England and from South Korea

Respect for ...

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My father-in-law is an avid gardener.  He visits local garden  centres at least three times a week, and always for a scone and tea lunch.  You might think this is a bit obsessive or even sad but it lends structure to their week and gives my mother-in-law, who has dementia, some sort of physical and mental stimulation.

Quite frequently he’ll also buy a plant or two.  Some might be bargains but s...

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Charles has got the crown and throne

The "line" runs through his sprogs

William gets the Prince of Wales;

I get the bastard dogs!

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Serena Serena, you deserve your rest

Serena Serena, you truly were the best

Those of us who saw you

Can count ourselves as blessed.

 

Serena Serena, you win my vote

Serena Serena, for you they made the quote

You let your play speak for you

You truly are the GOAT.

 

Serena Serena, the queen when in your prime

Serena Serena, for 20 years sublime

Unrivalled fo...

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The beautiful games been my passion

I’m one of the game’s connoisseurs

And now as I approach my departure

One more fan will be lost to the Spurs.

 

I’ve followed them since I was a nipper

I’ve idolised Smith, Greaves and Kane

Klinsman, Mackay, Danny Blanchflower

At the Mecca that was White Hart Lane.

 

But now at the end of my lifespan

Before I let my last breath g...

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Inspired by the sight as I picked them up of my wife, daughter and her friend in Beverley on Race Day.

 

It’s Ladies Day at Ponte Racecourse

Fine sights for a young man to see

Girls nobbed up just like circus ponies

A spectacle gaudy but free

And clutching their glass of Prosecco

The Pontefract Shagnasty Three.

 

They cut quite a dash did our threesome

Short skirts ba...

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We've just bought a holiday home near Beverley and it's been our misfortune to have to travel the Goole Bridge on the M62 while it is being (invisibly, it seems) repaired.

 

I’m looking down upon it

But the waters barely move

The tide has turned

The river’s barely flowing

I’m waiting in a line of cars

I’m 60 feet above

The Ouse is moving quicker

Than I’m going.

There’...

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Recently I’ve been reading a number of the Terry Deary’s “Horrible History” series.  And I do think there are lessons we can learn and apply today.  In particular, in the way we deal with punishment.

I like the idea, for instance, of burning witches at the stake (Nadine Dorries springs to mind); hang, draw and quartering (those Loose Women); or abscisis genitalibus (Jeremy Clarkson). 

...

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I wrote the original for that Barnsley nightingale Olivia Newton John but bloody Bob Dylan and George Harrison stole it from me.

 

If it wa’n’t fo’thee

There wuntav ever bin no Gre-ase

Nor “Tek Us Om” ‘ad bin rele-ased

I’s’ll tell thi that fo’ free

If it wa’n’t fo’thee

 

If it wa’n’t fo’thee

I’d ‘av none o’ this songs to lampoon-in

Wi wunta sin them pantaloo-ins

Th...

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Seems like only yesterday I left all that behind

No more lousy rat-race, commute or daily grind

I started work from university

At Grimethorpe I was almost 23

A 20-year stint with the NCB

A green nerd

But now work is just a four letter word.

 

But like thousands that I worked with I survived redundancy

So wearing my best suit and tie I sold consultancy

The money and th...

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Currently, me and Our Gert are speccing out buying a static caravan; you know, the big buggers which infest the likes of Ingoldmells and Cleethorpes.  We’ve lugged a touring caravan behind us for nigh on forty years but have decided it’s time to change.

Now, most people who tread this path do it because they are happy to keep going back to a particular destination or because they’re too old and...

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May thi brass

Stay firmly fixed

In thi wallet

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“Send them back home” or “Turn their boats round”

Or “Pack them all off to Rwanda”

“We don’t need them here to dilute England’s stock

This way we will make Britain grander”,

 

How have we become so uncharitable

To those who would flee from abroad

When once we would open our arms to such folk

And welcome them into our ward?

 

The Flemings, the Huguenots or Europe’s Jew...

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Worldwide fans will know that I have no issue with others enjoying whatever gender identification they like.  But to pretend that former males should be eligible to compete in elite women's sports is nonsense.  How many former females do you find wanting to compete in men's elite sports?  I wonder why.

 

(Let’s go girls!)

 

I’m in the heats tonight; my swimsuit’s fitting tight;

Ther...

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Given the life I’ve led, I’ve been fortunate indeed to have picked up a criminal record for only one offence.

It was the day Ipswich beat Arsenal in the FA Cup Final of 1978 – an otherwise excellent day.  We’d gone out for a curry that night and the idea emerged between the four of us to do a runner without paying.  My mate’s wife and me left first, casually strolling to the door and shouting v...

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Danny McAndless was our Physics teacher when I was at the grammar school in the 1960’s.  He’d been someone’s Physics teacher at the grammar school since the 1860’s.

In one of the lessons he tried to explain to a bunch of bored 15 year-olds how the whereabouts of apparently random particles could be determined on the basis of probability by Brownian Motion.

Now I’m in my 70’s I wish I’d paid ...

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So you thought that wildfires and flooding were an issue for the likes of Australia and California, or Bangladesh and the Maldives.

Is that why you ridiculed a little Swedish girl?

 

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