We’d gone to watch it in a pub near Durham in April of last year.  We’d taken a cottage for the weekend to celebrate my 65th.  Jayce had been mortified.  It was the weekend of the big match and all his friends and family had got tickets to Wembley to watch it.  But we’d phoned the pub up and they’d assured us it would be on the big screen.  So we went.

The bar was almost empty when we arrived b...

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It’s Friday before Christmas

With God’s help you'll see through

The Saturnalian orgy of

The Office Christmas Do.

The booze flowed free and freely

The dancing not as good

We’d just been singing “Feed The World”

While scoffing Christmas pud.

Cassandra took her panties off

(What a sport she’s been)

I hoiked her for a photo on

The copier machine.

And ...

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(He lies like a cheap carpet)

Stupid Woman

“No, I didn’t say

‘Stupid Woman’

To Theresa May”

Stupid Woman We’ve all seen the TV clips

And it’s clear what’s on your lips.

“’Stupid People’

That is what I said.

’Stupid People’

On my lips is read.

’Stupid People’ Now I think you catch the gist

That I’m no mysoginist.

Stupid Jezza Why, oh why

Stup...

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And so this is Brexit

And isn’t this fun?

Ye Leavers have won it,

But what have ye won?

The deal of Theresa

Looks more like Remain

For all of your blather

Just what have ye gained?

Cos Juncker gave nothing

With Barnier as brusque

They dealt you a yarborough

And likewise did Tusk.

So you silly Leavers

Ye squawk and ye squeal

‘We’re still tied...

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I’ve got the hots for Hegerty

I think that she is Ace

Cos if I’d run her round the bed

I think I’d win The Chase.

I’ve little peccadillos

They’re naughty, I confess

To feel the crop upon my bum

Of Anne, The Governess

Old ‘Arry’s ‘e’s a lad awright

A geezer froo an’ froo

‘E managed once the Mighty Spurs,

So, Yes, I like ‘im too.

But Anne she is my ...

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This old man, Barnier

“I’ve got nothing, Treeza May”

With a nick-nack paddywack “I’m begging for a bone.

I need something to take home”.

This old man, just as brusque

“Bugger off” says Donald Tusk

With a nick-nack paddywack “I’m begging for a bone.

I need something to take home”.

“To your bunker back you go”

Jean Claude Juncker tells her so

With a nick-nack ...

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(Apologies to the Big O)

Just running scared

Of Tuesday’s vote

Shafted, ensnared

By Tory scrotes.

Just running scared

Forget pretence

The truth is bared

No confidence

Just running scared

You timid cow

Your blushes spared

Deferred for now.

Just running scared

You’re on standby

But be prepared

Your time is nigh.

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or THE HITCH-HIKER'S GUIDE TO THE ARSE-'OLE OF THE WORLD

You don’t see many hitch-hikers these days.  Is it the fear of picking up or being picked up by some nutter, and is that any more risky now than it used to be?  Certainly, when I was a student, in the absence of Megabus, if you were travelling any distance, thumbing a lift was de rigeur.  There’s no question that you wouldn’t have wanted ...

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(How many "takes" at recording did I need for this?)

Ken Dodd had two dogs, you know,

“But just one’s left” he sighed;

A puppy and its father,

But Ken Dodd’s dog’s dad’s died.

It’s making Ken unhappy

His dog and Ken both cried

So now there’s just the man and dog

Cos Ken Dodd’s dog’s dad’s died.

But time’s the greatest healer

So when their tears had drie...

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(Not too early for a Christmas carol, is it?)

Boris Johnson has looked out

For his own ambition;

Grabbed the chance that came about

In a premonition;

“Here’s my chance” he thought, by Jove

Promptly then he legs it

Allied with that Michael Gove

“We’ll lead the charge for Brexit”.

Boris thus gets off the fence

As a Brexit Leaver

Pandering to wits more dens...

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No-one ever accused me of being a skilful rugby player.  Don’t get me wrong, I could catch, pass, even punt with a degree of accuracy.  But my contribution lay in other areas.  I was an unpleasant player.

I was never quick but relatively fit, so I played at loose forward, whose job it was to spoil the play of the opposition and ideally win the ball from any breakdown (preferably legally) and ge...

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(A visit to JTF's tomorrow beckons)

When times are hard at Christmastide and money’s truly tight

We’re here to target poverty and help you in your plight

Providing all those things you crave

Without the need to scrimp and save

Our motto which to all we gave

‘Thou shan’t go short of shite’.

We’ve snowmen that’s inflatable to 40’ in height

So perfect for your backya...

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There you go and, Trayvon, here am I

One black, one white, so one’s OK to die

No need to puzzle or to wonder why

Cos a black life doesn’t matter anymore.

Akai Gurney, Ford and Michael Brown

Eric Garner choked while on the ground

Just 12 years old but still they gunned Rice down

Cos a black life doesn’t matter anymore.

               There’s no use in you a cry-y-y...

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(A re-post. A duet for one - me- and homage to Lerner and Loewe's classic from Gigi)

We met at nine.  We met at eight.

I was on time.  No, you were late

Ah yes, I remember it well.

We dined with friends.  We dined alone.

A tenor sang.  A baritone

Ah yes!  I remember it well.

I waltzed so well.  I was a hunk.

You were a wimp.  You samba’d drunk.

You were just like th...

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I had a prostate biopsy as part of an investigation into whether I had cancer.  The symptoms had been suspicious – weak bladder, high blood PSA, blotches on the MRI scan.

When I went into the ‘operating’ room I was introduced to the male doctor and his female nurse.  I had been a little concerned about whether it might hurt a bit but when she asked me to take my kecks off my focus shifted onto ...

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My garden is shaped like a rectangle,

That’s 40’ 5” wide;

I’m wanting to concrete the length of it,

That’s 90’ long on each side.

I’m wanting to leave, though, an island bed

To sit in the middle of it;

It needs a diameter of 12’ 5;

I’ll fill it with plant pots and grit.

The concrete will need to be 4” deep

(The surface will need to be hard)

It costs £13/11/6

Plus V...

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No 1 is that Rees-Mogg

Look! He slavers like a dog

Boris Johnson is at No 2

No 3 his name is
David Davies

They’re all lining up to kick her in this queue.

No 4 is Michael Gove

What a prick, by Jove!

Dominic then follows in this queue

Lining up behind then comes

Motley leftie chums

Strange bedfellows together, them and you.

Queueing up today

To ki...

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(A re-work of that marvellous piece by Flanders and Swann, and inspired by a recent holiday to Madeira. And, hopefully, eliciting outrage from the luvvies)

When I was a young man my blood hot and red

My prowess was then at its height

It wasn’t a problem to get gals in bed

And pleasure them all through the night.

But it never occurred to me while at my peak

My powers would ev...

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(A re-worked re-post and homage to the Man in Black)

I hear that whistle blowing

The match comes to an end;

The backs are disappointed – we fatboys just pretend;

That final 20 minutes just seemed to drag

We trudge towards the touchline

For a beer and fag.

My daddy came to watch me

He said, “I’m sorry son

I didn’t see you with the ball or even see you run”

I ...

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The winter time’s looked on by gardeners with dread

The sun’s rays have weakened; it’s bitter instead

It’s then you appreciate having a shed

A retreat that warmer and drier

To sit by a log burning fire.

When temperatures fall into minus degrees

And frost hangs like glitter on evergreen trees

And ice in your water butt’s sign of the freeze

Then nothing compares to, by J...

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(John Keenan was, and probably still is, a drugs dealer. The drugs he dealt in, however, were unlicensed Indian Viagra. If you are not fluent in the language the audio will help. A re-post)

Thizza bloke guz daarnar pub – eelbi probly scoffin grub

Wi the chipsy eats ill never bea leanun

Oniz edizis trilbys sat, so eez knownuz “John the At”

Weeiz motto, “Icn getit” – eez John Keenan...

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(A blues in the slide guitar style of the incomparable Robert Johnson.  Played in open G on a guitar I bought at a car boot sale for £7 for parts.  It's much better value than my singing)

I took up with a woman; she was another man’s

I had it all before me – the world was in my hands

If you want to get them laughing just tell the Gods your plans.

She told me that she loved me...

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(A competition was held a few years ago to come up with a one-liner which encapsulated what it was to be English.  This was one of my favourite submissions.  I simply expanded it into a poem.  A re-post.)

I never cease to be surprised while we're on holiday

At the number of occasions that a French waiter would say,

“Hello.  What can I get you?” in perfect Ang-a-lais

How did he kno...

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(It's that time of year again. I hate it with a passion. And as for that thieving git Pete Seeger...)

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards bloody cheating

Gave them sweeties, gave them money, gave them popcorn when they came

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards need a beating

I got dog doo on my doorknob, I got dog doo

Just the same.

Li...

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“I gave him enough passing space” I heard he’d later scoff

He didn’t give the cyclist, though, more room for falling off.

“But why on earth should he fall off” his barrister would state

Perhaps a pot-hole in the road; perhaps a lifted grate?

So read again the Highway Code as duty bound you are

It says to give the cyclist the same room you would a car.

Don’t take my word but ...

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I have an old man’s problem, which is disrupting me

That frequently throughout the night I need to take a pee.

I’ve had the usual prostate check – the doctor’s broddling thumb

Covered with such lubricant it slipped right up my bum.

Then MRI and biopsy each underwent with fear

The findings were most welcome, though; no cancer – I was clear.

But inconveniently the problem stubbornl...

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(A poem for Autumn. I hate bloody Autumn!)

The sun shines bright but thin today

But still casts shadows, if to say,

“Remember I’ll be strong once more

When winter’s chill has passed away”.

For as in summers gone before

The garden’s growth it will restore

To chit the seed and warm the beast

And once again be held in awe.

Then to the West and from the East

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(A tragic tale of unrequited love. A song stolen from me by Laughin' Lenny Cohen)

There was a girl that he adored

He planned to brag that he had scored

But we all know the bounder never got her;

He never got to climb upon

Cos Grainger went for Weasley Ron

She found his ginger features were much hotter;

Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter.

He’d h...

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I first realised this mathematical fact

When I planned to purchase some tiles

Of course, I could have got various types

Of colours and sizes and styles.

I measured my floor up for area

And settled on 8 inches square

But this would require me to cut some tiles

Not an effective affair.

I then contemplated a different approach

After I’d studied a while

Would I ...

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(In the first book of his Warlord trilogy Bernard Cornwell posits a fictitious battle at Lugg Vale at which the warlord Arthur ap Uther, leader of the Dumnonians, defeats an alliance of other British tribes in order to unite the Britons against the invading Saxons. His success results, ultimately, in the defeat of the Saxons at Badon Hill, setting back their further invasion of Britain by some 50 ...

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(For those with long memories of this dire soap and with apologies to Laughing Lenny Cohen)

I remember it well, “The Crossroads Motel”

Your acting consistently shite

Giving my head through the script being read

A migraine that lasted all night;

But those were the days; I rode BSAs;

We watched on our screens black and white;

Your actors were poor, the walls and the door

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The dark was all-pervading with barely breath or sound

No place to be for vermin, less colliers underground.

They haunched beside the ripping lip, their cap lamps set to ‘dim’

And waited till the Chargie spoke, so soft and low and grim.

‘It’s here they say they’ve seen him glowing in the dark,

Floating outbye 7’s, his tortured face so stark.

He curses at his comrades as through t...

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In order to avoid all doubt I thought I better had

Re-post this piece which last time round made many people mad

Who bullocked through its irony and saw me as a cad;

So let me plainly state, “Don’t go Upskirting”.

It is not nice; it’s horrible; enough make you swear

And never mind Box Brownies – you shouldn’t even stare

And anyway you couldn’t in the case of girls who wear

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(We've all changed our minds about Boris from what we thought 5 years ago, haven't we? No longer the bumbling fool but now the self-serving politico that he is. Well, I haven't - I wrote this in 2013 as many of the references illustrate. I always had him down as biding his time.)

Who’s that biding in the wings?

Waiting for what fortune brings.

Rubbing hands for Cameron’s fall;

May...

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(Inspired by a question my neice asked at a recent family barbecue, "What would be the hardest thing for you to give up if the doctor told you you had to?")

My dietary appointment’s making me a nervous wreck,

It follows consequentially a previous health check.

The nurse will give me diet sheets with foods she will proscribe,

The list will be exhaustive and with drinks I can’t imbi...

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After 20 years in the coal industry I spent the next 20 years as a self-employed management consultant. It’s a fabulous way to make a crust.  Companies were paying me £500 a day to hear what I thought. The joke is that after 8 o’clock at night, anyone could hear what I thought for free, down the pub.
 

Happy days.

And I found it all rather easy.

The modus operandi was quite formulaic and...

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I’m getting to that point in my dotage where folks have started to notice a bit of deterioration.

I’ve always been not quite right in the head, so I have quite an advantage in reaching ga-ga before contemporaries of greater sobriety.

So much so that I don’t think it will be too long before my kids persuade me to grant them Power of Attorney – certainly over financial matters.  Indeed, I’ve s...

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“Brexit Means Brexit”

As if that’s enough;

“We don’t need a plan

We don’t give a stuff”.

“Brexit Means Brexit

Beware of expert men

They’re simply spreading fear

We’ll be Great again”.

“Brexit Means Brexit

Sod off to the Poles

And to the Romanians

We’re taking back controls”.

“Brexit Means Brexit”

We hear nothing new

“Brexit Means Brexit...

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(A true story)

I can announce to you today a scoop; you’ll hear first hand

And not subjective but with evidence – The World’s Worst Band.

And as the basis of this claim I cite a friend of mine

Who’d gone away on holiday in search of some sunshine.

But while he lay upon the beach the scallywags dropped by;

They broke into his garage and then stripped the bugger dry.

They m...

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Will Get Her Pension Same As Me

(A celebration of sex equality)

She will get her pension same as me

She says she wants equality

It is the justice for which her sex will strive

She has pressed for changes in the law

For all the wrongs she’s fighting for

So it’s not 60 anymore

She’s got to wait to 65.

She now thinks this can’t be right

One more mysoginistic sl...

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(A re-post but you can't get enough of a good thing. Like gorgonzola)

I met her in a bar

When I worked in Stranraer

Where she cried in the corner

So I went so far

As to console her.

She looked up at me

So then I could see

The blood and the snot;

She’d broke her tooth –

It was a molar

(Or perhaps a praemolar;

No, no, it was a molar).

Her mouth o...

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Everybody knows they’ve said “Goodbye”

Everybody knows it’s true;

He cannot keep his todger in his flies

But pops up the ladies’ flues.

Everybody knows he cheats and lies

He’s Boris – it’s what he will do;

Now though she’s cut off the marriage ties

(Shame it’s not his yarbles too!)

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Who could have seen it coming - his sorry turn-a-bout?

Humiliating climb-downs after months of holding out,

Despite face-saving caveats designed to mask the rout.

A train crash coming further down the line.

He rode the tide of Principles; “New Politics” he’d gloat

But saw that power hinges on the fickle few that float

So when the choice was “Principles” or loss of Jewish vot...

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I’ve always considered my body

A shrine or a temple of sorts,

Honed to perfection by exercise

Like snooker and other pub sports.

But lately I’ve noticed a blemish

To mar my immaculate bod,

So I’m starting to look like John Prescott

And less like a Classical God.

Besides being most unsightly

They’re open to much ridicule,

A feature that’s rather less welcome

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(Pat Boone would turn in his grave if he were dead)

You’d better go home Jose Mourinho

Your days in Manchester’s done

While you’re watching from the sidelines

With City scoring goals for fun.

You blame a lack of transfer money

For why you’ve hit a brick wall

But take a lead from Pochettino

Who’s bought nobody at all.

Jose Mourinho – What’s the excuse?

J...

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(I've always thought there was a gap in the market for a fusion of top-rate poetry and a medical procedure.  A travelogue of my biopsy to test for prostate cancer.)

They made me wear a nappy

(I wasn’t very happy).

They said I might be needing

A pad to catch the bleeding

Of later crimson stainers

Which seeped out from my anus

Which had become right sloppy

From my prosta...

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I’ve lost my pond fish twice now.  The last time was when an otter got in and cleaned me out of £1000-worth of koi carp.  I have unsightly wire netting frames over the pond these days to keep it out.

Previously, I’d lost all my fish to parasites.

I’d been fishing to a nearby pond and caught a few tench.  Now for non-anglers the tench is a handsome, green fish noted for the muscular fight it ...

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I’d spent the day at Birkin Pond and bagged a carp or two

On luncheon meat and sweetcorn and bread and maggots too.

But in a lull of action when quietude had struck,

The fish no longer biting, I start to read my book.

The day was warm and peaceful, so I began to nod

And unbeknownst to me a fish was tugging at my rod.

The saucy thing had spent some time nibbling at my meat;

It ...

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Be careful what you wish for

And take some time to think

It’s always wise; it gives you time

To step back from the brink.

Be careful what you wish for

Think through it while you can

You’ll find the consequences

Rarely go to plan.

Be careful what you wish for

My grandma used to say

The devil finds a thousand different

Ways to make you pay.

Be ...

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When folks are at work and the kids all in school

Two or three times we will bike, as a rule

From Christchurch to Bournemouth, then Sandbanks and Poole.

For most of the way it’s a ride by the sea

And easy and flattish for Our Gert and me;

We stop at the Chineside for cups of black tea.

Sometimes we have started from Hengistbury Head

Watching as tides between Mudeford...

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