(With a nod of debt to the incomparable John O'Farrell)

I blame the Government and the bankers and the rest of the fatcats and the US and the multinationals.

I don’t blame me for:

·        Wanting a sub-prime mortgage I can’t afford

·        Electing the government

·        Electing every government

·        Retiring early and drawing my pension

·        ...

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Once upon a time in a land long gone a boy grew up.

After junior and grammar schools he went to the university where the government paid for him to study.

At the end of 4 years he tumbled into a job.  He got a mortgage to buy a house, married and started a family.

As his career progressed he enjoyed accompanying salary increases until, one day, he retired and...

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(it seems to be my lot in life to improve the inadequate)

I’m being followed by a wheelbarrow

Wheelbarrow, wheelbarrow.

Pulling my chickens in a wheelbarrow,

Wheelbarrow, wheelbarrow.

And if tha wond’rin’ “Is it red?”

Please thissen. I’ve not said.

And if you tha wond’rin’ “Is it red?”

Thou’ll have to imagine for thissen;

It’s all inside thi...

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(This recently-discovered first draft of the Great Man's rock classic was originally a recipe set to music)

If you do veggie stew

Make sure you spuds are well cooked through

And your carrots and your turnips too

Al dente veg is so very hard to chew.

How to brew

Your veggie stew?

Put it in an oven dish on gas mark 2

For an hour; let it cook slowl...

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(An examination of the skills a 21st century man needs. No wonder Henry Reed stuck to his guns!  I carry this map around with me in case).

Yesterday we had woodwork and metalwork and D-I-Y. 

Today we have naming of the parts.

Yesterday we had the Allen Key

– a purpose-designed, entry spanner

which is now called the Hexagonal Wrench. 

Today we have the l...

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(I thought Kipling could do with a chuck-on with his attempt)

If a man can play away without detection,

If a woman holds a map you know she’s lost;

If a man is lost he’ll never ask direction,

But cannot help but ask how much it cost.

If a shower of steaming shit from a skunk’ll

Make you smell much sweeter than a rose;

If my auntie had a prick she’d ...

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(An old post but on hearing the Holst/Rossetti carol in Selby Market today I just couldn't resist)

To the sensibilities of our cossetted ears this was grisly business.  To those watching, though, this was a thing of glory – a glory greater than battle, glory which brought men close to the gods.

The Mace of Sol was older than the stories of the Old Folk – a thigh bone from a ...

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(Check out the fabulous vocals of Grace Slick on Jefferson Airplane's original. Lewis Carroll meets Psychedelia)

One speed makes it faster and one speed nearly stalls

And knob that makes it waggle will drive you up the walls

And call,  “Rabbit”, and hang on to its balls.

And you keep another Rabbit safely tucked inside your smalls

A replacement for the firs...

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(Time to improve on Lewis Carroll)

“The Walrus and the Carpenter

Licked their lips so sweet

And pondered their good fortune

At that rare crustacean treat;

Then idly stretched to doze awhile,

Their appetite replete.

Their eyelids closed quite slowly

So heavily and limp;

They drifted into slumberland

So thereby failed to glimpse

The ti...

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(time for a dirty one - and inspired by the recent discovery of a long-lost poem by Machiavelli about an erection he had one morning)

I awoke this morning

Having dreamt of you

And sporting an erection

A bulldog couldn’t chew.

I’d bent you on an armchair

Exposing your wet snatch

Which vision gave a hard-on

A tomcat couldn’t scratch.

I toyed with yo...

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(I expect this set of tosspots will be looking for a tip soon!)

Filled with chilli,

Flowers and spinach,

Bent locks and keys,

Old crockery,

Barbeque ash and empty baked bean tins;

As down the yard

I struggle hard

It’s almost full

So hard to pull

Ah, but I’ve failed to try and catch the bins.

So then next week

I’d creep and sneak

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When I was gainfully employed I used to resent having to shop on a weekend and be encumbered by herds of pensioners cluttering up the supermarket aisles and sauntering with the urgency of grazing cattle.

Why the bloody hell didn’t they do their shopping midweek?

No!  The silly bastards had to do it when the rest of us do ours.

Nowt to fucking do and all fucking day to do...

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There’s a town in the US that owes its continuing prosperity to railways.  It isn’t a significant junction of major routes; it never built trains as we have Crewe or Swindon; and it has no history like Stockton or Darlington.

What it does have are themed hotels and restaurants, souvenir and bookshops – a whole industry ensnaring millions of dollars.

It owes its prosperity to...

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Well I’ve told you once and now I’ve told you twice

But you never listen to my advice

Your songs have gone from bad to worse

The future’s avant garde free verse.

Well this could be The Last Rhyme

This could be The Last Rhyme

Maybe The Last Rhyme I don’t know.

Pentameters are just passé

Trochaics too so yesterday

Sonnets now are hard to swallow

...

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Donkeys years ago, when the kids were little, we visited La Palmyre Zoo in France.

The apes were housed in an area about the size of a football pitch with a moat surrounding it, enveloped by  a smooth, concave wall about 12 feet high.  Spectators could watch from the top of the wall.

While we watched an ape ambled up to the moat, squatted, shat on its hand and threw it at us.  How...

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(a tribute to one of the great, but largely under-rated experimental poets of modern times)

Nick nocky nick nock

Nicky nacky noo

Nick nocky nick nock

Nack noo.

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Can a man sing

And not be a singer?

Can a man run

And not be a runner?

Can a man steal

And not be a thief?

Can a man kill

And not be a killer?

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(anger and alienation are not the preserve of the young)

There was a lot of stockings and wrinkled old tights

Snoozing time – not a pretty sight

Just down past the ankles some knickers were hung

The smell of piss was coming on strong.

The Saturday night beetle drive had already started

As Madge and her girls sprang into action

Deaf Millie slowly wok...

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I went to visit my dad in hospital the other day.  It had been chucking it down with rain and as I walked towards the Medical Centre a bus whooshed through a puddle in the gutter and drenched me.  I’m pretty sure the driver did it on purpose; he had two lanes to himself but in order to hit the puddle got so close to the kerb that his wheels edged it.

After I’d swore at him under...

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Would you have gone to museums -

The Science or perhaps Guggengheim?

What did you do before Facebook?

How did you fill out your time?

Maybe you dog went for walkies

Or the kids got took out to play?

What did you do before Facebook?

How did you fill out your day?

How did you fit in employment?

Or even find time for the wife?

What di...

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I don’t do talking

I sit in my cave and brood

And I whittle wood

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(Where do all the shirts go when they've lost?)

I saw a dozen Man U shirts

Proudly on display

Worn by fellow gym members

In Selby yesterday;

I went again this morning

(Tottenham won away)

They must have all been in the wash

     -  Not a one today!

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Some strange things happened on our holiday.  Not this year, you understand.  It would have been about 18 years ago when we went with friends caravanning to Dorset.

We stayed at a site at Wimborne and had gone out for the day to Christchurch.  The first thing we did there was to hire a put-put motor boat and puther up the Avon.  My mate Ray was at the wheel with me alongside him in fr...

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(A tribute to the country blues guitar of Rev Gary Davis's 'Candyman' and Designated Drivers everywhere!)

Shandy Man

Stands at the bar

Shandy Man

Declines a jar

Shandy Man

He drives the car

There’s no-one we would rather have than

Good Old Shandy man.

Shandy Man

When the drinking starts

Has a plan

He’s a boring fart

He sits i...

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I only ever saw George Best play twice.  On the first occasion he was in his prime and playing for Manchester United at Nottingham Forest – my home-town club (although I don’t support them, being a lifelong suitor to the Mighty Spurs).

I’d guess it was the late 60’s and Forest had a decent team which ran United a very close second to the league title in 1967.  They were captaine...

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Who could deny the outrage –

The futile point of the war

The horror and the gross carnage

No-one could fail to abhor

The mud and the blood of the trenches

The rats that fed at the feast

The daemons held check in our psyche

Inexorable once released.

Fast forward into the Thirties

As Nazis across Europe fanned

And Chamberlain proud of his ...

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 (Haddlesey Medieval Fayre)

The Great Event is upon us

You’d better get yourself there;

September the 8th from 10 o’clock -

Haddlesey Medieval Fayre

It’s kicking off with the Great Parade

Leaving the new village hall

Headed by Lady Godiva

Who’s wearing nothing at all!

Well, if you believe that you’re barmy

But nevertheless there’...

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I remember you well, “The Crossroads Motel”

Your acting consistently shite

Giving my head through the lines that were read

A migraine that lasted all night;

But those were the days; I rode BSAs;

We watched on our screens black and white;

Your acting was poor, the walls and the door

Would wobble as lines you’d recite;

Ah, but you got away; ITV dropped ...

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Shall I tell you about my life,

Amid the abuse being hurled?

Because speculation’s rife

I chose to close down the News of the World.

I guess I’ve got everything I need

But nevertheless I want more

What drives me is power and greed

With contacts I have I can scoff at the law.

This Hearing has not been misled

I’ve told you the truth; would I l...

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In history books you will not read

About the nascence of the Creed

It was not Brutus did the deed

I am the Assasseen

On orders given from higher power

And striking at appointed hour

I met the princes in the tower

I am the Assasseen

The Master sensed I was his best

So gave to me the greatest test

A task he called “Marie Celeste”

I am ...

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(with great deference to the Bard of Brisbane, Kevin Bllody Wilson)

Whinge, whinge, fucking whinge.  Whinge and fucking bleat.

“Take Your Marks, you cynics, for the next Olympic heat.

You’ll not need to train for years in order to compete,

So On Your Marks, you cynics, for the Freestyle Whinge and Bleat.

I hate the fucking guts of the fucking Corporates

Who p...

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(an increasingly recurring theme)

When I find myself in toilet trouble

Prostate problems bother me;

Whistling while I’m dribbling

Let Me Pee.

My bladder’s full to bursting but I pass a tiny quantity

Whistling…

Which feels like molten lava in such sensitive anatomy

Whistling…

Let Me Pee, Let Me Pee

This is bloody agony

Whistling while...

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(It's "flash" alright - exactly 100 words; unfortunately it wasn't fiction!)

I hear people deriding England’s under-performance at the recent European Football Championships.

Under-performance?  I have to say this beats me!

Certainly in the last game against Italy we didn’t get a kick after half-time and didn’t string 3 passes together before!  England had a team of play...

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(A condition you are well advised not to allow Our Gert to suffer)

You’ll not know what’s going on

She’s been so shy for all night long

A proper lady, she’s so refined;

But very soon she’ll probably decide to throw a wobbly

She gets crazy, crazy, crazy when she’s Out of Wine.

Crazy, crazy, crazy when she’s Out of Wine

I said crazy, crazy, crazy when she’s...

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(I am asked to fulfill this task every year)

As the snow flies -

Cos it’s Christmas here in Haddlesey

And Santa sits underneath his tree

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)

Eating warm mince pies.

And if there’s one thing that he don’t need

It’s another squawking kid running off its lead

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)

As the kiddie cries.

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(An old post mais nous sommes ici encore)

I wish I was in St Palais

Where shards of sunlight teem

In the cool Atlantic breeze of

Charente-Maritime;

Where the black kites fly

In a cloudless sky

Like a sultry, Gallic dream,

Where fishermen’s sheds

Tend the oyster beds

In Charente-Maritime.

I wish I was in La Palmyre

            By ...

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(A previous post, but I couldn't resist)

A professor of medicine from Chile

Is conducting research you'd think silly

His study comprises

Comparing the sizes

(I can see that you've guessed) of men's willies.

It seems the good Doctor's detected

Amongst the sample selected

That phalluses fall

Into “normal” or “small”

(That's under 2 inch when ere...

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(Enormous nod to Bernard Cornwell's "The Winter King" - a master of storytelling)

As Briton fights Briton the Saxon awaits

And readies himself at Lloegyr’s gates,

Gorfyddyd of Powys consults with the Fates,

Siluria’s Gundleus too.

Outnumbered we hurried round hill and through dale

And came to this place where we’d die called Lugg Vale;

Our certainty...

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They beat him here

They beat him there

In Gerard Street

And Leicester Square

Eagerly pursuing all his masochistic trends

Cos he’s a Dedicated Follower of Thrashing.

He wears his paisley

Dressing gown

But takes it off

When he bends down;

Presenting quite a picture in suspenders and a bra

Cos he’s a Dedicated Follower of Thrashing.

...

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(I thought I'd have a go at this avant garde stuff I've read about on here.  Let me know if I'm on the right lines)

 if

 this

 is

 a

 poem

 my

 prick’s

 a

 bloater

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(with acknowledgements to Bob Dylan)

Hey, Mr Gabardine Man

Give a flash for me

I’m not prudish so let’s see what God’s bestowing you.

And hey, Mr Gabardine Man

Give a flash for me

Don’t hide your dingle-dangle organ

They’re not following you.

Outside the Barnsley Empire

So proudly you would stand

With your chopper in your hand

Showin...

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(The original "Coal Porter")

I stripped with Ned

The church roof’s lead

But we made our get-a-way badly;

The horse was lame

Said Ned, “And the same

Can be said for the axle, sadly”.

The traffic cop

Flagged us to stop

And said when he’s stopped laughing madly,

“Are these both yours?”

I said, “Yes – the horse,

But the cart belongs ...

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One for vengeance, one for blood

Watching, waiting, ever still;

By a pulsing body stood,

Hooded, The Three Hulats.

Two for Death and two for Life

Dancing in between the scales;

Arbiters of Pain and Strife,

Grinning, The Three Hulats.

Three to row our very souls

Over waters, over dreams:

Burning in the heat of coals,

Richer, The Three Hulat...

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Death Pit Song of Derfel

Tanaburs

Tanaburs

You’re mine

Tanaburs.

Tanaburs

Tanaburs

You’re mine

Tanaburs.

The One who survives the Death-Pit

Owns the Soul of The One

Who Threw The One into The Death-Pit

The Druid Tanaburs.

Tanaburs

Tanaburs

You’re mine

Tanaburs.

Tanaburs

Tanaburs

You’r...

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(Originally posted last year after the Champions League Final but commemorating the Final of 2009 which they lost 2-0 to Barcelona.  I just couldn't resist).

Fergie, Fergie, the Spaniards have shafted you

They went through your back four like a Manchester vindaloo

So don’t be a moaning Jonah

You lost to Barcelona

Don’t suck on your teat

Accept your defeat

...

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(The school song; co-written by Richard Keep and John Coopey and sung by the children of Chapel Haddlesey CE Primary School)

On mornings when I feel so blue

and my spirits saddened

I join with all my friends at school

where my heart is gladdened;

Come and join us, you will see

Each day here in Haddlesey

Our teachers, friends and me -

We sing together.  We s...

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(Much as I am reluctant to tamper with The Master.....)

There you go and, Baby, here am I

Well, you left me here with all this fish to fry

I’ve thawed this cod and now you’ve quit your job

And you won’t batter anymore.

You bastard, Trish! So now you’ve got your wish

You left me here with all this fucking fish

There’s no flour dips so all we got is c...

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The Siege of Copenhagen 1807

Copenhagen’s avenues

and pretty civic streets

Razed to rubble, choking dust

payment for our fleets.

Death from fire and rocketry

death from cannonade

Where peaceful parks and gardens stood

were Danish bodies laid.

Hundreds lay and hundreds more

blown by flies and stench

Perpetrated by the guns

o...

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When Yvonne Brunton first posted this song it did not have the lullaby she subsequently posted it with on audio.

On first reading the poem I imagined it in my head as a skipping song.

When I told her this she kindly agreed to let me post my interpretation.

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(I had aspirations to be the greatest white soul singer of all time.  But Dusty Springfield beat me to it)

I just don’t know what to do with my shelf

I just don’t know what to do with my shelf

It’s a bargain I bought from Ikea in town

Now the bugger’s falling down

I used 2 inch screws

I just don’t know what to do.

I just don’t know what to do with my draw...

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