After Work

Events happened they did their activities

From basketball to hiking to soccer

Via drinking to eating to fucking

It was the same as any other job

Time to destress from the stressful job

Even if pushing their bodies to the limit

Hike a five hundred metre peak after shift

Or drink a dozen beers with vodka chasers

Takes the stress of the job away

What is your a...

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The Return

The Fake God was back on the prod floor

He sat in his old chair told the old jokes

His old support team sat or stood smiling

Most of them were happy their master was back

Tho one or two wore frowns or did fake smiles

One guy previously said he wasn’t happy

He wanted the Fake Boss out for good

Now he was back for good or till next time

When he bucked the metrix...

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Not Hopping

Some trainers in the BPO industry

Have worked in 20 or 30 different places

Brian met 2 or more such trainers

Both had worked in dozens of centres

Between a month’s training and years

Finally settling down to train others

Being hoppers no more job to job

Instilling their skills info knowledge

With wisdom guidance mind set

It takes skill to be a tr...

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Change Time
Do some reps miss the selling?
When they’re between call centre jobs
Not able to close a sale for B2B
Or get a Sirius XM radio upgrade
What of reps doing tech support
Fixing broken TVs and infra-red heaters

Same shit different shift on and on
Dial dial inbound joy call queuing
Sup call where’s your TL?
They’re MIA having a secret smoke
While the reps struggle on
This shif...

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Kookie

The job got really kookie

2 almost sales in a day

Both failed at the VT stage

1 was the wrong business name

Plus a scheduled meeting

1 was a customer sick of holding

Who chatted with his pal

The calls added to a prior 1

This cx wanted the service

On a future date not today

Call me back in a week

2 sales that never were

A 3rd if the cx still agrees

...

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Mr Fraudy

They talk about bringing back the corrupt boss

The camp is divided down the middle

Some for the boss the arse lickers

Some not for the boss the honest ones

A right storm is brewing!

The mango tree and cig area

Plus toilets and canteen buzzed

The old fraudy manager will return

If he does then I will go to war

Start off with a Messenger GC

So all...

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Six call centre years/what will the next six be like?/career made for fools

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Bangkok Beasting

The Fake God is there with the other bosses

All having a powwow to decide what to do

We are dragged in there and lectured hard

The client wants more sales as do I

This you must do for June July and beyond

The target is 130 and you’ve just 18

You need a 1200 percent increase

Can you do this in 2 weeks yes or no?

I said yes but if we don’t...

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Hot Tottie!

The TL’s galfriend has fine curvy thighs in her dark blue jeans

The TL’s galfriend has fine boobies that Red wants to suck

The TL’s galfriend has fine lips to kiss whomever she kisses

The TL’s galfriend has fine proportioned lower lips in her panties

The TL’s galfriend has fine smiles when she sees Brian with his gal

The TL’s galfriend has fine greetings on meeti...

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March To Hell

The Fake God rallied his troops

You’re all in this with me

We either get the work contract

You remember before Brian

A year ago this now is worse

We either fly or crash n burn

Get the sales it depends

On you lot here you’re my team

Fake God was right on this

Only he could do the job

Guiding us skirting Hell

We started to get warm

In this all wer...

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What If?

Brian never thought he would work in a call centre

When he lived in Germany he was unemployed

And while looking for a job he was forced to go

Work in a call centre and refused creating a fuss

I’m not selling insurance or loft insulation!

Put me on fork lift truck training it’s my job

Not some shit call centre 2 towns away

The stupid bitch running the training ...

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It all happens there/work in a call centre job/go do what you want

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Puke Crawl

Work in a call centre all night long five nights a week

On shift number five told to go drinking with the bosses

Drink till drunk then drink till you puke this is an order

I did this twice with them when I worked in a small BPO

Twice was enough drink till I crawl had my fill no more

Takes the stress away but I’m not doing it again

I was too tired after shift asked t...

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bad tl

a certain team leader/was obsessed with cash/bumping up his metric/any which was he could/legal or borderline illegal/the tales of his was known/he did it in six centres/greed and metric manipulation/not a good example of a good sup/when you meet this snake/watch him closely/he has no conscience/is good at his job/manipulating people and the system/see the car he drives/wears different t...

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Freebies

Look how happy the reps are

Eating the free pizza

Given by the client

Some reps have 1 piece

Another ate 16 pieces

Talk about greedy!

Free coffee was given

As only coffee went with pizza

On a call centre night shift

Plus Pepsi cold 2 litres

Wish it was drink all you can

Don’t be selfish now!

Think of your team mates

You're on the account together

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Vexations

Tell the boss how you really fucking feel

His job totally fuckin sucks and he does as a boss

Blame him for you having no sales!

As he’s in charge and talks to the client

Who sends over new leads you call

Give me some good leads and you’ll get sales

Simple as that give me old shit leads

What do you expect me to get nothing?

Why I feel frustrated and pissed off!

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sales

the way you feel inside/this is sales/nothing else is like this/that's why you feel this way

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Night Day Educate

Brian worked on 2 very different education accounts

One was UK based with 6 main call drivers

3 of these had sub topics of varied concerns

He took calls off teachers needing help

He was trained on all 6 main concerns

But only took calls on 3 of them

47% of the reps resigned    

The other account was very different

Like comparing a bicycle to a truck

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Reasons
He worked in many BPO call centres and was considered a tenured agent
Meaning he knew what he was doing and could be trusted not to fuck up
Not all tenured reps were so trustable or blemish free some really screwed up
Getting caught having sex in the security office with the guard watching the CCTV
Spotted raiding the biscuit cabinet that belonged to one of the vendors
Attempting to ...

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No1 BPO

Each call centre says they’re the best

They never say they’re number 2

Always number 1 in their own way

Is this in most collected revenue?

Or number of employees?

Or with the most offices?

Each call centre says No1

The same saying by them all

Can’t they say something new?

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Together

Metrix love them hate them

Top box CSAT bottom box DSAT

What makes or breaks a rep

Or Team Leader or support

Your stats are my stats

My stats are your stats

We’re in this crap together

The call centre job

Love it hate it do it together

Top or bottom never middle

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Alarm!
The 2010 mobile phone stopped working
Brian used it as an alarm clock
He was late for work twice
It never saved the alarm more than once
No good for a working week
He had to check it daily
If he forgot he'd be late
Brian would buy a radio alarm
A Japanese one like he had back in 85
That lasted a decade or more
He ignored the radio on it
Kept it on electronic noise
It woke up th...

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Skankers

The leads were crap only getting 0.3 chance of a sale

They were skank leads that no other shop wanted

So they gave them us to call 42 and 76 skank leads

He thought 42 skank was worse than 76 skank

He got 5 DNCs in a row here was swore and threatened

He dialled the leads 10 times a day both 42 and 76

The 76 skank leads got Brian a gold contact

A different person ha...

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Battling TL Leaves B2B
The Fake God finally won the battle
The battling TL got booted out of the B2B account
She asked him how he would feel on it
It’s ok as we’re friends and you’re still here
You reported the Fake God for his six thou wanga
He got another rep to give him and he lost ninety four thou
When suspended that month tho he was finished
The call centre rescinded that and gave him...

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Moment Time

The client came over again

2nd time in a year to see the reps

Plus support who dialled the account

It was Brian who asked his boss the Fake God

Why not ask the client dial his account?

So we can see how good he is?

The tip of the spear the best in action

Get the other bosses there too

See who the best seller is

It would be exceptional and rare

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The call centre rep/was branded on his top arm/it hurt for six months

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Follow That

The Fake God casts his spell

He holds the reps in his gaze

They know he has something

A certain type of quality

An ability to do things

To get results and sales

Nobody managed to emulate this

Not his lapdog with a higher position than chair

There’s something about the Fake God

He said his boss and another manager

All with backgrounds in sales

Had dif...

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Snake Oil Seller

The magic number is 4 explained the sup

Whose position was higher than his chair

Just add these users to pay a lower connection fee

His word roll off his tongue like oil off a duck

Does the customer know what a snake the sup is?

Already he knows what to spend the cash on

It’s his party trick adding extra users

Get 3 physical phones and 3 virtual ones

And...

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Things Change

Because a rep in the BPO becomes a supervisor then manager

This doesn’t give them the right to belittle other support and reps

Especially bullying and using bad words or snide comments

This upsets agents and makes them feel bad and perform worse

Plus it alienates them from the support and makes them look bad

In front of the entire team and often call centre which is...

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28 Users
It was only the 2nd work day of the month
He had exceeded the monthly sales targets
In just 2 days it broke all records
He got a 3 user sale on day 1
And on day 2 he got a 25 user sale!
The biggest user count in the account
It was like is this real?
Now he wanted more success...

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Metallica Calls

The guy listens to Metallica online while taking calls off customers

His TL knows of this and lets him do it for the rep gets good sales

Each and every day 4 or more sales earning a nice incentive

Rewards and Recognition days are a breeze he sells the items

Coffee makers toasters microwaves rice cookers fridges etc

He could have his own kitchen wares distribution ...

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Mr Fix It
The agent sneezed
Another f*cking head cold!
Which twat did he catch it off?
He'd give them their virus back 3x!
Make sure they suffer call it karma
Now he was taking calls in a mask
His voice was muffled and he was irate
Irate agent irate customers wanting help
With their Twinstar electric heaters
Tech support was such fun they said
The customers were American and lazy
Inste...

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Tea Biscuits

The call centre rep turned the gal's life upside down

She was state apparatus gal married to a serving cop

The rep was a historical Soviet communist

He called the gal to see how she was his calls were ignored

It came out she fled to her relative away from the city

6 months pregnant by the red rep plus 3 kids with the cop

His calls and texts went thru to the cop di...

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19/31

Everybody knew what they both did

After the Xmas party a lot of rumpy pumpy!

The mid-size 31 year old female

And the 19 year old male getting it on

The lad has a galfriend and new baby

But still grinded the older chick

People told me of this and what joy!

They went to a hotel after the drinking

And screwed like rabbits oh illicit heaven!

It was a small Pattaya c...

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Easy NTEs

NTEs were issued like candy to kids

Given to low performing reps

Who has bad metrix like no sales

Plus time keeping or tardiness

All accepted them without issue

Writing why on the back

Part of the BPO experience

An easy way out if need be

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Times Over
The Fake God gloated and said
'Hey mate I win this round and for good'
He nodded and replied yes you win here
But not for good tho I'll accept the NTE
No disputes as numbers don't lie
Yes boss I know I failed in sales
Do what you will transfer or fire me
I'll transfer you to collections
Brian went on to say why did you
Follow me four times over Asia?
I worked in Bangkok and M...

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Lick Not Bite

Where is the sale?

Hiding in the sky

Quick reach up

Get the sale now!

Poor agents no sale

Time for a meeting

Then coaching session

And call monitoring

Are they following?

Teach them then

Spoon feed them

So they get more sales

Aren’t outlying agents

With 0 or just 1 sale

With 7 or 8 or more

Poor little reps

Always st...

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NTE Yourself! NTEs were given out each month To the reps with low or no sales In time there were no reps on the account The Fake God was left alone Just him and his support to call They each wanted two fifty k a month To do the work of ten reps It was physically impossible But they went for it and failed Would they give NTEs to themselves?

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Now Different

He once wondered if there was a rep

Who actually wore different coloured footwear?

He wondered this for years a stupid thought

And then there he was a rep in different shoes!

The rep appeared to be a narcissist by image

With one arm fully tattooed and tied back hair

An air of importance surrounded him

He wasn't a manager or boss just a rep

Not necessarily b...

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Reference Dept
The recruitment dept
Gave him a job
Ok great he was hired
He passed training
Went thru nesting
Into production
But was still texted
By recruitment who wanted
Five more references
Along with the twenty six
He’d already given them!
Now that was annoying
He had worked there
Seven weeks and still
They pestered him for references
Make them answer their phones
That’s not ...

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Big Fat 0

The rep ended the year with 0 sales

There were 10 selling reps in total

9 got sales and 1 didn’t get any

The other 9 got between 1 and 11

Number 10 rep was pegged at 0

He got 7 sales in October

And 5 in November but before then

Both August and September were 0

Why are the rep’s sales up and down?

He doesn’t know and does his best

He would have 2 or 3 but ...

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Chalk Times

The reps wondered what the chalk marks were in the office

On a couple of work stations in the coaching office

On the managers desk in the sleeping quarters

In the rest room by the gym area and other places

It was where their randy coach had bonked 3 other agents!

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Like A Book

See how the Fake God and his Wallflower

Sit next to one another at the work’s Xmas party

We all know what comes next later after food

And plenty to drink they honour the tradition

Screwing till they can’t screw no more

She likes empowered managers and he likes her

She said to a rep it was his first time joining them all

Yes as he picks the rival account but it’...

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Low Level Raider

There flew the Nazi bomber low over a town

The front gunner shot at people he spotted

Short random bursts zipping out mostly missing

Bullets bouncing off roads houses walls

Some thudding into people quite lethally

Nobody shoots back this raider has surprise

And speed with daring to keep him safe

Plus eight guns to shoot if intercepted

The English fighter...

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Managers’ Monday

The agents dial the leads and opportunities to try to get sales

One rep has 77 manual dials and no more

Another had 47 manual dials plus 340 outbound dials

Others have similar numbers none under 200

The 88 rep got beasted off his sup for laziness

And was made to promise to step up and do more calls

Each agent had to count then report the call numbers

The TL...

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Let Me Out!
The Spanish were upset
An oil tanker sank a mile offshore
The water was a mile deep
Yet the tide would carry the oil
Ashore so it would ruin the beaches
Kill the fish eradicate the birds
Blacken swimmers poison the sea
Turn the sand to asphalt
Do a hundred other evil things
Blame the typhoon blame the captain
Blame all things but it’s clear
The ship is no longer afloat
It’...

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Chinky Earphones

The black earphones were made in Red China by CCP turtles

They worked for a year giving reasonably good sound

Then the right side stopped working it was totally dead

It was out of guarantee just over one year old

The left side still worked fine with clear sound

That was fine if you were ok with it that way

He wasn’t ok with that not at all he cursed their crap

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Those Risks

They say soccer is a dangerous game to play

And yes there are risks when you join a team

All hustle and bustle score the winning goal!

You can be knocked unconscious

You can swallow your tongue

You can break a leg

You can have a heart attack

You can be killed by rocket attack

Yes there are risks yet winning is worth it

Would you take a risk and ...

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Reduce It

Expand the size of it

What you ask?

The cash in your wallet

Your cock size

The engine in your car

Your ego size

The number of galfriends

Your apartment size

The type of motorcycles

Your lifetime

All this and more

You want extending

I’ll tell you this

We’ll do the opposite

Reduce it all!

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Dud Bomb!

The worker was moved from the explosive mixing shop

Into the bomb assembly shop to see if he could manage

Explosive mixing was a fine art like producing wine

He used the wrong ingredients twice and was out

Given a last chance in the assembly shop

The most important job in the entire bomb factory

Ordnance production was hard difficult work

Not every worker could ma...

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