does anyone else create 
their own scenarios?

do you create whats almost 
like a movie trailer in your mind?

it has the most specific details.
everything you want plays out 
exactly as you intended.

you control what the  
other actors say,
do,
everything.

you could be walking on the beach,
then running through a flower field
the next minute.
even ziplining...

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why do people settle?
why do people leave?
why do people stay?

oh, how i wonder about
all three of those questions.

to settle.
that is sitting in a 
pile of mud all day
knowing you at least get to 
shower later.

to leave.
that is lonely nights with
nothing but the tv and a 
glass of wine to keep you
company.

to stay.
that is a cold hug, but
knowing that...

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when i sit trying to figure out what to write 
my mind doesnt exactly go blank, 

but it does go silent, 
if thats even possible. 

it feels like its stopping me from 
what i need to be thinking about.

almost like it tries to draw me 
into doing something else instead. 

instead of thinking about family drama, 
or relationship confusion, 
and parenting frustratio...

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so, can anyone else tell when they meet someone,
that they may be around for a while.

not in any way in particular,
but it just feels like something
is going to come from knowing them.

i could be wrong, and just
on a high from a great conversation.
and a million interesting facts.

That i must say, had me intrigued.

but thats not the point,
...

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so the past few days
ive been venting.

more than usual,
i can admit.

sometimes memories continue
to play in my head, and the 
only way to get them out is
writing.

and i must say,
writing anonymously 
does help.

being able to unload all
ive been carrying over the
years makes it all worth it.

today was better than yesterday,
and im sure tomorrow will
...

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i learned that opinions 
lead to punches, 

and nos lead to a 
forceful taking yes instead.

and sharing your experiences 
only give people information 
to judge you. 

to make you know that regardless 
of what you’ve been through the 
way you act is wrong. 

that you should have a 
hold on your emotions. 
and that your reactions should 
be ...

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i blame me for putting myself 
in situations that compromised my innocence.

i blame me for not being able to 
scream loud enough
or explain enough.

i blame me for having people 
probe me like projects.
and attack me like animals.

i blame myself for creating the 
space that led to my own suffering.

i blame myself for saying yes to 
that date, to...

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no matter how hard 
i try to explain 

i have anxiety. 

it is hard for me to come 
into a new situation and 
not become overwhelmed 
with the people around me.

the new surroundings that i 
have to figure out leads to my 
heart beating so hard and fast. 

my eyes begin to fill and my heart 
does some kind of feeling that 
makes me super uncomfortable.

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you are someone who wants no one 
but also pulls people back in 
when they decide to leave. 

when they no longer have the strength 
to deal with your destruction, 
you don’t mind leaving.

and why is that? why do you 
make it so hard for other people? 

scratch that…

i made a mistake.
i went back.
i did that.

i set myself up to have 
my feelings torn a...

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so, lets catch up.

its been a minute i must say.

but today, i had to give
myself time to write.

ive been in a fog of stress.
which isnt everyone?

there is always someone worse off,
having a worse day.

you know, full honesty.
that saying doesnt work for me.

is it selfish to want to think
about your struggles, your sacrifices, 
and your chal...

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being alone.
truly alone.
its hard i must say.

i have always had someone.
it has been rare that ive 
been alone.

so when i am,
as in currently,
im finding it difficult.

somedays im okay.
but other days, i 
miss the feeling.

the feeling of being held,
kissed,
hugged,
cared for.
i miss that.

but i also realize
being alone may be best.
because on ...

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peace.

what does it take to 
actually attain it?

not just what peace is 
on the surface,
but the pure form.

where worry,
fear,
and anxiety doesnt live
anymore.

a place more like
a sunflower field would be nice.
filled with the tallest,
most bright yellow 
confident auras.

unrealistic to the mind that 
it exists,
but it does.

that moment o...

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so ive learned through my 
experiences,

or is that just what i tell myself?

i can remove a person out of
my life with no remorse.

cry my eyes out for
days, then forget they exist.

delete anything that is
a reminder of them, 
quickly i must say.

why is that?

how am i able to move on so quickly
without a thought?

is that normal?

it is to me...

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butterflies.
are they a good feeling?
or an anxious feeling?

do they determine what my next 
move may be?

he is charming,
romantic,
thoughtful.
a few qualities that i
definitely like.

i just wonder
whats next?

long distance,
or fun distance.

i havent decided,
but ill make up my mind.

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so it took me a lot to write tonight.
for some reason every night i havent
been able to bring myself to it.

i think its because im afraid of whats
going to be written.

that the past few days have
been a lot to take in.

that your heart should never
know what it feels to be broken.

that actions do matter,
and words arent shit.

that regardless of how much you give,
whe...

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mood swings.
food cravings.
restlessness.
emotional.
sensitive.
overwhelmed.
anxiety.
cramps.

finally, ive realized why
my week was off, and
emotions off the wire.

sometimes its just that.
 

.

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barely communicating.
no good morning,
no goodnight,
no just checking in,
no how was your day.

i get none of that,
but seem to give all
of that.

i no longer want to 
feel like someones 
afterthought.

like something someone
has to the side that they
can use and play with
when needed.

i dont want to feel like
im no longer cared for.

but i dont thin...

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so i used to write poetry
when i was younger.

i always kept it a secret,
as i do now.

for some reason i use 
to think that other individuals
opinions mattered.

i wish i couldve told my younger
self that its okay to be vulnerable.

that past events shouldnt dictate
your every move.

that trying to calculate
everything out so youre 
never surprised.
 

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so, lets have a small
chat with my mind.

*breathe in - breathe out*

overthinking has led you 
down a path.

a confusing one.

your different scenarios
that replay are fictional.

you conjure up this image for 
me to see, and it doesnt exist.

everything isnt as bad as 
you make it seem.
and thats what troubles me.

                  ...

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so i havent seen the stars lately.

i havent seen the shining,
sparkling specs in the sky.

i wonder why?

stars have the ability to 
appear, then disappear. 

so e a s y.

and when they return,
they are always loved.

they get no reaction 
other than smiles.

other than open arms.

i wonder will i be 
a star for someone?

maybe i am one
already.

and...

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i wonder, what happens
to the people who do not 
ask for help?

do they figure it out on their own?

i have been struggling with
asking for help.

i know it would be great to have,
but also the thought of being
a burden is too much.

listening to myself has 
brought me this far.
 

so,

im okay with getting the
results myself.

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so we are almost nearing two weeks.

two weeks of figuring
out how to love myself.

figuring out how to
be alone with myself.

learning how to control
my emotions.

and 

living unapologetically for me.

it feels good.

i just finished my 30 minute workout.
and within this workout, 
i think about nothing but the end goal.

waiting for that timer to rea...

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what does writing do for you?

does it clear your mind?

remind you of conscience 
descisons.

does it give you strength
because you know your voice
cant be silenced?

i                       w o  n d e r.

about being able to enter into a 
place of hugs.

a place of peace within
chaos.

a place of self love.

the best place to center yourself.
remember yourself,
a...

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today i dont have much to say.

this is the type of day where i just
dont feel like laying out my 
emotions.

so yea,
i dont have much to write about.

but still want to be consistent in
my journaling.

i think that sometimes minimal
effort is still effort.

and maybe tomorrow ill be 
in a different mood.

i wont be forcing anything 
though. 

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remember when it was 
easy for you to be open.

remember when second guessing
no longer existed? 

where is it now?

because you are still deciding 
whether or not to move on.

you are still entertaining 
an unpredictable situation.

THIS

almost feels like holding your breath,

and waiting for someone to
tell you to breathe.

thats insane, right?

in no way should...

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when do you make a decision
for you?
when do you strive to make
yourself happy?

ive been asking myself so many questions.
ive been trying to come up with some 
kind of understanding.

im still so confused,
hurt,
betrayed.
but still trying.

i am proud to say ive been consistent.
ive been focused,
ive been happy.

but, could i be happier?

or

should i keep my mind in the now...

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so, "babe".
im very confused on the
use of this terminology.
and the use of the heart emojis
like were still going to a place
that was so unheard of before is..

C O N F U S I N G

okay, let me back this up some.
ive begun to remember what
it felt like to pour into myself.
to think only of myself.
its a good feeling,

but

i also feel like im falling.
im playing back memories
an...

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So, when does a person 

know they are finding themselves?

is it when we change our routine?

is it when we change our diet?

is it when we begin to meditate more?

i wonder myself, 

because i think im starting the process.

im learning how to go to sleep alone.

without needing to feel a body beside me.

to cook dinner and not anticipate

someone else joining me.

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Ive anticipated writing today.

Day 3 was different.

I ate more fruits,

drank more water.

worked out for the first time

in months.

i allowed myself time 

with myself.

it felt nice.

unitl of course..

"how is your day going"

i wonder if they really want to know

or

are they making sure i havent 

strayed to far from them.

i wonder if i should ...

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"idk, but we can try"

what does that mean?

and why do you continue to 

contact me?

W   H   Y   ?

you said you want NO ONE.

then that includes me,

my time,

my love,

my care,

and my company.

If you want to be truly free,

then be free without

any parts of me.

so i did not respond,

but i am tempted.

how would that work?

how would we......

how ...

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Yesterday, was day one.

A day of being alone,

thinking.

Thinking about how my mind 

has yet to understand what happened.

what makes you everything they want,

but not wanted at the same time.

what is it? 

for someone to bring you in on their journey,

then blame the journey for the reason

they   no   longer    need    you   .

they need freedom,

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