I took the family out for a meal on Christmas day,

There were quite a few and I had to pay !

All five courses were first class,

All the leftovers I frugally did amass.

"Waiter please may I have a bag  to take the leftovers home for my pet ?"

"Ooo!"blurted out my daughter,"What sort are we going to get ?"

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A photographer had to take pictures of a forest fire,

His editor sent him to an airfield where a plane he could hire.

"It will be waiting for you and ready to take off."

Sure enough it was there ,the pilot nervously did cough.

The photographer  shouted ,"Quick lets get there !"

The pilot looked nervous but they were soon in the air.

The photographer took some wonde...

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Secure in being the main object of a parent's love,

No jostling for position to win and get above--

A sibbling who is the apple of his mother's eyes,

Who sleeps in the best bed and gets her attention when he cries.

Often it's the tiny moments in life that catch you by the throat,

As friends in school about their many sibblings loudly gloat.

An older sibbling would ...

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'Twas the night before Christmas and the moon was very bright.

Wong Ping and his girlfriend Soo Ling held each other tight.

Wong says to Soo "Lets play Weeweechu."

"No its to early for that,let me kiss you."

Wong begged her for Weeweechu but to no avail.

"But I love you and you are my perfect female !"

"I would rather hold your hand and look up at the moon."

"Oh plea...

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A young girl walked into her house with two chairs and a setee,

"Where on earth did you get those,be honest with me !!"

"Off an old man down at the park,he was moving to Spain."

The dad smacked her hard leaving the girl in pain.

"Why did you do that,it really hurt ?"

"Told you before not to take suites from a pervert !!"

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The unlucky vicar

Have you heard about the unlucky vicar?

Who drove down the motorway with too much liquor.

Shame on you sir,you should  set an example,

Nearly four times over the limit after giving a sample.

Thinking God was on your side you jumped in your car,

Thee who spent too much time at the bar.

The Almighty was to deliver a terrible blow.

As d...

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When Fred died,Dorris had a lot to do,

Fred's final wish was to be buried in blue.

When she went to the undertaker's he was dressed in black,

Had Fred been alive he would have given her some flack.

She explained the situation to the kind young man,

He said ,"Leave it with me I'll do the best I can."

She returned next day,"Oh what a good do!

Fred's final wish ha...

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Jim lived in a flat on the first floor,

He had to close the window it was going to pour.

He felt the rain as he held out his hand,

As he did this a glass eye into his fingers did land.

"Hello has anyone up there lost a glass eye?"

"Oh its mine !"A lady with relief did sigh.

"Please can you bring it up and give it to me ,

I'll make you a sandwich and a cup of te...

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Bobby was sat on a bench feeling very sad,

With holes in his shoes and very poorly clad.

It was three years since his dad had died

The family of five struggled,but the mum really really tried.

His mum worked at the hospital,her wage didn't go very far,

They lived on the breadline,walked everywhere,didn't have a car.

His three sisters had made their mum a gift each.

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"Where are you going in such a hurry?"

Says John to Jim whose face was full of worry.

"I'm going to the doctor,I don't like the look of my wife !"

"I'll join you can't stand mine either,she's trouble and strife !"

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Bill and Ben were walking down the street,

And into dog poo they nearly put their feet.

"Is it really dog poo ?"Bill sniffs the offending mound,

Ben prods it with his thumb,"Definitely from a hound !"

"I smelt it ,you felt it,

Thank goodness we didn't step in it !! "

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Cath and Sue are eating their packed lunches in a caf,

Enjoying their tasty meals and having a laugh.

An employee remarks as he passes pushing a mop,

"I'm sorry your not allowed to eat your own food here ! "So they swap.

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A roller coaster life which started in Camden Town,

A determination to suceed even when she was down.

Never to sit in a corner and give in,

An inspiring young girl displaying a feistiness to win.

Much negativity raining on her from dark clouds up above,

Your presence on our screens as a nation we love !

Sensitive and loving beautiful and strong,

Alienating the ...

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A prank so dreadful and mean,

Destroying a life so dedicated and keen.

A tornado whirling through her trusting brain,

A cruel hoax inflicting devastating pain.

Two children have lost their loving mum,

A nation in tears sad and numb.

A husband has lost a caring wife,

A dedicated nurse a precious life.

Poor soul just doing her job,

A prank that went...

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Mell was trying to get on the bus but her skirt was to tight,

So she reached behind her,unzipped her skirt to put things right.

No joy,so again she reached behind her and unzipped it a little more,

Still getting nowhere,it was now quite a chore.

Then a robust rugby player picked her up by the waist and gently placed her on the bus.

"How dare you touch my body !"She was angry...

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Mr.Tommy Ricket

Looked at his ticket

As the traffic warden said bye bye.

Along came an elephant,

Sat on the traffic warden,

And left him there to die.

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Proud banners are flying outside Peel Park school,

Where the kids are fantastic and the teachers are cool.

An Ofsted inspection was carried out in June this year,

Only two days notice the staff were in fear.

Ofsted inspectors are rigorous and demanding,

Fear not staff,the results were outstanding !

Your drive for improvement is systematic and robust,

Raising st...

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Jill was on a diet and a stone had lost,

Needed a new dress asked what the material would cost.

Jill was attractive blue eyed and dark,

"Only one kiss per yard ," smirked the young male clerk.

"Thats fine I'll take ten yards ." said smiling Jill,

And got her 90 year old grandad to pay the bill.

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"I despair,it is one thing or the other,

The government upset us and slowly do smother !!

In contrast Motability a fantastic scheme with angels at the end of the phone.

Kind and caring,cool and helpful,never leaving us alone."

One of the largest fleets in Europe is about to decrease,

As over 100,000 disabled customers will lose their power to lease.

The car manufac...

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No controlling women ! So the bible teaches,

The law of equality this now definitely breaches.

A knife-edged vote causing  a massive rift,

Just at a time when the church needed a lift.

The truth is without women bishops, the church will have lost its verve,

And no longer in a position for the people to serve.

Turmoil and sadness on this breaking news.

National embarr...

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Mother Superior spent a long time in the shower,

One of her nuns said,"There's a blind man to see you,he's been here for an hour."

"Well if he's a blind man  it doesn't really matter,

Send him up and we can have a natter."

She got out of the shower in her birthday suit,

The blind man shocked and embarassed went quite mute.

She spoke to him for ten minutes or more,

He...

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Brought up in a ghetto ,frequently no food on the table,

A hunger for fame and with a ball was so able.

He doesn't care a damn what people think,

Drive's Ferraris and referees to the brink.

Lives his entire life consumed by rage,

Earns £11 million a year after tax for a wage.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic,must learn to spell his name,

Single handedly destroyed England in ...

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She says,"He doesn't talk to me anymore,

No eye contact,he just looks at the floor.

Shackled to a man who has no feeling,

Who snores to sleep facing the ceiling !"

But love has no sell-by-date and is definately alive,

As into the 70's and 80's we now  survive.

The storms of the past we are ready to erase,

As an ageing population we enter a new phase.

...

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Mark and Mary were out driving in a very fast car,

They were both short-sighted,couldn't see very far.

They came to some lights and drove right through,

Mary turned to Mark ,her face quite  blue.

"You went through that light on red,we could have both died !"

"Oh my goodness Mary was I driving ?"Mark cried.

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It happened at 7.15 p.m.in the Wensley Fold area of Blackburn town,

On Thursday the 8th of November when three cowards dragged her down. 

An elderly lady on her way to pick up her prescription,

Robbed by three boys to fund their addiction.

The feisty pensioner put up a courageous fight,

And hung onto her handbag with all of her might.

Rosemary left with dozens of bruises...

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Arthur who was 88 wobbles into an ice-cream shop,

Struggles up the steps and at every step has to stop.

He's bent double has trouble with his knees,

Reaches the counter and says,"Banana split please?"

The lady at the counter asks,"Crushed nuts?"

Arthur says,"No arthiritis," turns and tuts.

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Residents of Kogelo,the Kenyan village sing and dance,

As one of their descendants gets a second chance.

The kenyan village where Barack's dad was born,

Were jubilant again as his victory did dawn.

Katy Perry at an Obama rally did sing,

The young female voters she definately brought in.

The nation admired Barack's wife Michelle,

And into the boxes the women's votes  ...

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Half term is over we nits are back,

Planning together how best to attack.

Ready to crawl from head to head,

On teachers,children and inspectors from  Ofsted.

We have six legs each with a claw at the end,

We feed on blood and round schools panic  send.

We love thick hair whether dirty or clean,

For attacking us with nit combs,we think humans are mean !

I was...

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I am a nit and I live in a teacher's head,

I go with her everywhere,I even sleep in her bed.

I'm a tiny insect just a couple of mills long,

Her scalp is so clean and I'm so proud to belong.

I lay my eggs in her hair sometimes making her scratch,

I once lived in her boyfriend's head but he was no match.

His hair was really thin and his brill cream didn't taste  nice,

...

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Jack and Jill were residents at a home for the elderly in Penzance,

They'd known each other for ages and both liked a dance.

One evening while they were doing the samba Jack blurted out,"Will you marry me Jill?"

Without any hesitation Jill gave a quick reply,"Of course I will !"

Jack skipped to his room feeling really happy,

But when he woke up in the morning he felt really ...

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They say that opposites attract,

I'm pretty undesirable, thats a fact.

I'm a couch potato and love my telly,

I can't see my feet for my beer belly.

I've a wart on my nose and a tattoo on my bust,

A sense of humour but I've lost my lust.

I go out with Gym for a rum,

Call at the greasy spoon to fill my tum.

I drink a gallon and a half a day,

I gamble a lot,what...

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Dawn and Marge were at the cinema ready to watch The Golden Compass,

In the foyer a farmer was causing quite a rumpus.

He'd bought two tickets one for him and one for his chicken Nance,

"No chicks allowed !"So secretly he shoved Nance down his pants.

Sneaked her in and sat next to Dawn and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken's head from the farmer's trousers did dischar...

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Read all about it.Read all about it,Shipman is dead,

Like deadly diamorphine through his victims ,the news quickly spread.

Tying a bed sheet to a bar in his prison cell,

Hanged himself,cheating his sentence,no more to tell.

Trusted by his patients mainly old and needy,

What made him do it?Was he "death" greedy?

A glutton for killing, enjoying the power,

Devouri...

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Connor was in prison for robbing a bank,

No money was found the police drew a blank.

Connor recieved a letter one day from his wife,

He was always there for her,although sentenced to life.

"I have been given some seeds and no-one to plant them,your in jail!"

"Don't plant them in the back garden,"knowing the guards read all the mail.

A few days later Connor got another le...

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A lioness wiggled rather provocatively to have a drink,

A gorilla getting excited gave her a seductive wink.

The gorilla decided to have his wicked way,

The lioness was dumfounded didn't know what to say.

The gorilla ran off back to the zoo at Chester,

The lioness shocked ran after her molester.

The gorilla knew he was in trouble looked for a disguise,

Found a ...

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The Iron Lady will never rust,

She served her country with a magnificent lust.

Watching the news her friends frequently catch her,

The first female prime minister  Baroness Margaret Thatcher.

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The teacher was testing the children and getting them involved,

"Mildred can you point out Australia on the map?Well done problem solved."

Fred was having his work marked,"Well done only 6 mistakes here.

Now then lets look at the second line my dear."

"Can you tell me who discovered Australia Fred?"

"Thats an easy question Miss,it was Mildred !"

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Dan was single lived at home with his dad,

He was shy,never been out with a girl,a bit sad.

His dad was a millionaire worth quite a bit,

Twenty million Dan would inherit ,lucky git !

Realising his dad wouldn't last forever,

He started pursuing a beautiful clever girl called Heather.

"I may look like an ordinary fella,

But in a few years time I'll be as rich as Rockaf...

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                             Atishoo!!! 

When you have a cold or flu and it settles on your chest,

Leading to a wheeze and cough,prednisolone is  best.

A prescription pill tried and tested,

Clears up my lungs so that I am not infected.

Recommended by a prominent medical professor,

Counteracts lung infection,flu's successor.

A miracle drug that works for me,

...

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A mean Scottish painter called Wayne,

Thinned down his paint purely for gain.

One day the church asked him to put in a bid,

The lower his price the more thinning he did.

So he put up the scaffolding and set up the planks,

Then prayed at the church and for the job gave his thanks.

While Wayne was up the scaffolding and the  job nearly completed,

And the paint full of ...

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Seven brothers were visiting their aunt who was in care,

The nurse entered the room she had sad news to bear.

"I am soo sorry there is not much hope for your aunt,

She is seriously in need of a brain transplant.

The good news is that the operation would be free,

But for the actual brain there is sadly a fee.

The cost of a man's brain is 5000 quid,

The female brain 50...

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A drunken tramp was on his way to Peel Park,

Looking for a bench to sleep on before it got dark.

He passed a bloke looking under the bonnet of his car,

His car wouldn't start,they had been drinking at the same bar.

"Whats wrong?" asked the tramp."Piston broke !"

"Me too mate! "said the tramp to the bloke.

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Mary,marrying Mike a really good looker,

Said,"I have a confession to make,I was once a hooker!"

Mike is shocked and replied,"You were a whore!

Thats ok what has been has been,tell me more."

"You were always enquiring about my bruises and body marks,

My name is Bryan and I  used to play for the Sharks."

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Fred and Sally were out for a celebration meal,

'Twas good value,a two for one deal.

An economical way to dine,

Especially as they had no wine.

Sally's meal sadly was the worst she had ever had in her life.

"The chicken was so tough,"she complained,"you can't even cut it with this knife !"

The waitress appologised,"I'm sorry it has created  so much strife,

Would you ...

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A shock for shoppers as food prices rise,

Reduce the vat,give us a surprise.

A washout Summer hits our pocket,

The cost of food is soon to rocket.

Farmers hit by the worst wheat  harvest for 32 years,

People are frightened,some in tears.

The cost of every day items are soon to soar,

Meat and bread maybe 25% more.

Christmas is coming the goose won't be fat,

Fi...

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The teacher was testing the children and getting them involved.

"Mildred,can you point out Australia on the map?Well done problem solved."

Fred had his work marked,"Well done only six mistakes here,

Now lets look at the second line my dear!"

"Can you remember who discovered Australia Fred?"

"Thats an easy question miss,it was Mildred !"

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Sam was in the kitchen mopping up the floor.

Suddenly he stopped,there was a knock on the door.

He opened the door thought it was his daughter Gail,

But there was no-one there except a sweet little snail.

"What do you want I was expecting my daughter !"

"Please sir may I have a glass of water ?"

"Certainly not !",Sam picked up the snail and pelted him away.

But the s...

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The children were playing happily in the yard during the morning break,

Until Sarah,her new doll into the playground did take.

Suddenly there was pandemonium,Sarah gave a loud cry,

Her teacher heard that and immediately asked why?

"A girl from class 7 has broken my doll miss,she's called Pat !"

"Thats really naughty,how did she do that ?"

"I hit her over the head with it...

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Fred Faithful was a very loyal man.

LORRAINE was his pretty girlfriend,he was her number one fan.

One day he went to work and found a new girl had started.

She was called CLEARLY ,drop dead gorgeous,newly parted.

Fred became besotted,it was obvious CLEARLY liked him too.

But he still loved LORRAINE and didn't know what to do.

Fortunately as fate had it ,LORRAINE ran away...

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Declan was a miser and worshiped all his cash,

Underneath his matress all his savings he would stash.

His wife was made to promise when he finally died,

She was to sneak up to his coffin and all the money she would hide.

Declan died tragically in an accident at the docks,

At the burial she sneaked up to the coffin and left the money in a box.

"True to my word,I love you ...

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Molly had led a shelltered life,her dad was a vicar.

Lou was one of ten,a family who loved their liquor.

Molly against sound advice moved in with her friend Lou.

But Lou started using 4-letter words,Molly was not used to.

"They're 4-letter words mum.I haven't heard before,

Please,please mum come and get me I can't take any more!

Please,please mum!Pick me up you must.

...

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A scoutmaster always encouraged his scouts to do a daily good deed,

And to impress him three of his boys felt a very strong need.

"Please sir we have done our good deed for the day."

"I'm overwhelmed,what more can I say.

What did you do?" he did joyfully ask.

"We helped an old lady and her rottweiler  to cross the road,it was quite a task."

"It took three of you to do th...

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Tina and Brent were camping on Pendle Hill,

They had gone to bed and were lying quite still.

Tina said to Brent,"Look up and what do you see?"

"A sky full of stars looking down at you and me."

Tina turned over and made eye contact with Brent,

"To me it seems like someone has stolen our tent !!!"

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Bronislow Kowalski was an ambitious young Pole,

To fly a plane was his career goal.

He went to an optician for an eye test.

His eyesight was perfect they were most impressed.

He read,"CZWIXNOSTACZ." with just the blink of an eye.

And said,"What a co-incidence I was in school with that guy!"

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Zulu was a zebra,just retired from Chester zoo,

Went to live on a farm, the experience was quite new.

She came across a  big fat weird thing,supposedly a cow,

Who had just  filled a bucket full of milk and was making quite a row.

She then saw this strange white thing who had just laid an egg.

"Hello I'm a friendly chicken and my name is Peg."

Zulu was soon settled and th...

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There once were two cannibals called Devour and Crunch,

Who were sat at a table demolishing their lunch.

Devour said,"I don't like my mother-in-law!"

"Never mind, " said Crunch, "just eat the veg."

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Jim and Kay shared a flat,

Separate rooms,didn't want a brat.

Well thats what they told Jim's mum when she came to stay.

But Jim's mum was suspicious,what more can I say.

After she had gone the frying pan they could not find,

A week passed by and Jim was missing his crispy rind.

He rang his mum and asked if she had moved it.

"Ah yes, I hid it in your bed,you're sleep...

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They put their lives at risk doing their job,

Shot down in cold blood by a deranged yob.

Going about their duties,to them a normal day,

Not knowing that in front of them disaster lay.

Fiona Bone was 32 years old,a W.P.C. for 5 years.

Calm,collected and professional leaving friends,family and colleagues in tears.

Nicola Hughes,23 years old,bubbly,always smiling at the end...

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Dear Marge

My husband and I have been married for ten years,

What happened last week left me in tears.

As I drove to work my car juddered to a halt,

I walked back home to get my husband to sort out the fault.

When I got home he was in the bedroom,couldn't believe what I saw,

He was parading around in my high heels and red dress with my mother- in - law.

He was ...

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Police officers were seeking drink drivers in Blackburn bars.

At closing time, Roy tripped over a step, tried his keys in 5 different cars.

Everyone left and quickly drove away,

But soon they were to discover DRINK DRIVING DOESN'T PAY.

"Breathe into this bag ,"said a very serious cop.

"No point,"said Roy,"not touched a drop."

The policeman smiled and said to Roy,

"Yo...

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Guaranteed full cover

Jim and Barbara Bassey were on their way to Meadowhall,

But the car they were driving did spasmodically stall.

Jim said to Barbara in the car park,

"Carry on shopping ,I'll have it fixed before dark."

When Babs came back she saw a pair of legs sticking out from the chassis,

Jim was wearing shorts,"Ooo,I can see your spare parts Mr Bassey!"

...

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Motherly love

A young happy go lucky boy with a cheeky grin,

He kept leaves in a scrapbook and coins in a tin.

Snatched off the street by a depraved pair,

Deprived of his future with a mother to share.

A depressing saga that all went wrong,

A son never found, a mum who searched for so long.

Winnie never gave up looking for her son,

Her body faltered b...

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Snow White was into photography in a big way,

She could take pictures of her dwarfs all day.

She'd been given a camera as a gift,

But there was a developing delay,she felt a bit miffed.

The assistant felt she was disappointed and feeling quite numb.

"Be patient Snow White,one day your prints will come."

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A child was born in Blackburn early on Christmas day,

She became a passive smoker as in her cot she lay,

Her lungs the size of plums filled up with cruel smoke,

To hear her in hospital coughing made her mother choke.

Smoking makes the stairs seem steeper,

As your chest runs out of breath,

It fills the air with darkness,

And leads to certain death.

Smo...

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The tears of Diana

Diana sat in the bus shelter, tears pouring down her face,

Her eyes red and puffy,she looked a disgrace.

An old lady passed by and gave her a tissue,

Put her arm round Diana, tried to comfort the issue.

"He's probably not worth it,the ignorant lout,

Get rid of him quickly he's messing you about."

The old lady's bus arrived,she waved as she dr...

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Jessica Ennis,The Golden Goddess

An exciting story was about to unfold,

'Twas Jessica Ennis' pursuit of gold.

Her path to glory began when she was ten,

Taking her to the Olympic final within the peel of Big Ben.

Brought up in a terraced in the city of steel,

Worked as a waitress ,might have served you a meal.

A humble dog lover with a personality that glo...

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Poetic selling

Smilling is infectious you catch it like the flu,

Buy a car from Hugh and you'll be smilling too.

If you feel a smile begin don't leave it undetected,

My warranty is good you'll be so well protected.

I passed around the corner I was confronted by a grin,

It was a satisfied customer I' d passed it on to him.

I thought about his smile and realised ...

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The Purrfect Pair

Loved the picture think its sweet,

To see them both was a purrfect treat.

Ginger's bow tie was really great,

Pussycat's dress was just first rate.

They certainly make a fantastic pair,

A moggie future both to share.

Living happily ever after,

In the roof under the rafter.

Catching mice and having fun,

Producing kittens when their d...

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A little bit of flirt

She was slim and smart with plenty of charm,

Chatty and friendly,confident and calm.

She'd come to see me to plant a seed,

By the end of the meeting I was her dog on a lead.

She crossed her legs and was a bit of a flirt,

She did it with her eyes and a very short skirt.

She signed me up for a caravan and a car,

No swear words,no smoke f...

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They won their medals in fantastic style,

Strained every muscle,going that extra mile.

Helen Glover and Heather Stanning, these are their names,

The women's rowing pair,G.B's first gold of the Games.

They were "oar" the moon as their triumph did unfold,

The first British women's rowing pair ever to strike gold.

An army captain and a P.E. teacher letting no-one pass,

...

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British Gas

British Gas a vulture at large,

Have brought in a ludicrous new charge.

If you have a meter on your site,

They charge you nearly £200 per annum,thats not right !

This charge definately does stink,

Completely unjustified ,they need to rethink.

I've used no gas for a long long spell,

Hence this boiler of fury I do dispel.

Every quarter I get t...

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Mildred

In an American hospital people were always dying in the same bed.

On Sunday morning regardless of their condition they were found dead.

This puzzled the doctors and produced quite a scare.

It happened in the intensive care unit,recovery was rare.

The unexplained deaths occurred about 9 o'clock,

A worldwide team of experts was called in to observe round the ...

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The Queen's helicopter parachute jump

I wonder what the rest of the world will think,

How far will their opinion of our Olympic ceremony sink.

So much going on hard to pick up on the screen,

A jumble of ideas,a thousand stories,transmitting what has been.

Personally,most of the time I was rigidly bored,

Like watching a football match when no-one has scored.

The...

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Colorado Carnage

Tragedy struck in a cinema in Colorado,

A dozen people killed to satisfy a maniac's bravado.

A further 60 shot and injured as if in a game,

By a young man with just a speeding ticket to blight his name.

A shy loner going through life creating ripples so small,

Becoming immortal as an assasin making him feel so tall.

Hidden in society,invisible ...

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Billy

There was once a little boy who worked very hard,

Who got straight A's in every subject on his report card.

His name was Billy,his dad was so proud,

As a reward every year,to choose a gift he was allowed.

Billy chose one pink golf ball, this mystified his pa.

So finally when he was 18 ,dad got fed up and bought him a car.

Billy was fine with this and took...

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Off licence robbery

Jake walked into an off-licence and demanded all the money in the till,

It had been a busy day and a big bag the assistant did fill.

Jake spotted a bottle of whisky and fancied a drink while on the run

"Sorry,"said the assistant,"can't give you that,don't believe your over 21."

Jake showed her his driving licence,satisfied,she put the drink with the...

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The princess and the frog

Once upon a time a beautiful princess bathed her tootsies in the sea.

A frog said,"I was once a handsome prince till a witch put a spell on me."

"One kiss from you and my froggy days will end,

We can marry,you can make my meals,bear my kids and my clothes you can mend."

That night as the princess dined on frog's legs, her favourite meal.

S...

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Gentlemen,please take a seat

Gentlemen pee from way up high,

The toilet floor is never dry.

Slippery,slimy and full of germs,

Splashing everywhere with their spouting worms.

A manly thing to be one of the boys,

Is to pee up high and make much noise.

In Swedn a sign reads on a lavatory door,

"Please don't pee on the toilet floor."

A council is considering to regulate...

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Chocoholics

Keith a coach driver is touring with a group of O.A.P.s

"Would you like these nuts?"says an old lady,"Oh yes please."

Keith eats them all and aquires a taste,

"Would you like some more,they'll only go to waste?"

She hands him a bag full,he quickly devours them all,

And says,"Can't understand why no-one likes them at all !"

"We can't chew them becaus...

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Mistaken Identity-a true story

Bubbles a one year old rescue cat,

Might have asked the vet ,"Why did you do that?"

Bubbles unfortunately lived close to the vet,

And another black cat ,to be neutered the knife never met.

It escaped on its way ,might have been scared,

The search party picked up Bubbles,the fleeing cat spared.

Bubbles due to mistaken identity was ...

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Pleased with Mr Postman

Tom left home to join the army.

Kay ,his girlfriend was sad,it drove her barmy.

He promised he would write to her every single day,

As Tom got on the plane,he cried out,"I love you Kay."

"Please Mr postman look and see,

If there's a letter from Tom to me."

After 6 months Kay finished with Tom,she'd met someone better.

"He's a p...

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Desire

Tom was a taxi driver on his way to pick up a nun,

He'd always wanted to kiss one thought it would be fun.

So he picked her up and looked her in the eye,

Asked her if she wouldn't mind giving it a try.

She asked him if he was married or a Catholic,

He said "No,neither,"this did the trick.

He pulled over to the side and embraced her in a snog,

But sud...

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Hand picked

Speedy Construction had a target to meet,

In a month the shop they were building had to be complete.

But they suddenly hit granite and work had to stop,

They had no picks,serious,no bonus,no shop.

They were next door to a toy shop with life sized teddy bears,

Each holding a pick while sat in their chairs.

They asked the toy shop owner if they could ...

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The swan placid and silent along the canal sails,

Stopping now and then eating plants,worms and snails.

Moves along majestically with his Mrs.

But when he is angry hear how he hisses.

The male and female normally mate for life,

He finds the nesting place leaves the building to his wife.Ha

Swan's nests can be up to four meters wide,

Built of reeds and rushes nea...

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Be careful what you buy

A friend of mine after he had left his wife,

Thought about having a change in his life.

He decided on a pet that was completely unique,

He'd had a  rabbit,a dog and a parrot that could speak.

He decided on a monkey,thought that would be fun,

So ordered one in a rush, the deal was done.

It came to the house about the size of a small...

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Mable

Rod was out having a meal with his friend Mable,

Mable slowly slipped down her chair and under the table.

Rod seemed calm and unaware that Mable had disappeared,

Concerned about Mable's welfare the waitress interfered.

"Pardon me sir,I believe your wife has just disappeared under the table"!

"No my wife has just walked in,this is my girlfriend and she's calle...

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Raise them and praise them

Of young people we frequently speak ill,

Lacking in character and without any skill.

Grouping on street corners,smoking and drinking,

Breaking and smashing,our opinions still sinking.

Our views of the young ones must not get too low,

Otherwise their egos will suffer a blow.

Praise them and raise them to pedestals high,

Well done,e...

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The smile on your face

A smile is warm without the heat,

Comes from the heart difficult to beat.

A smile brings us together whether its yours or mine,

Never mind what's happening the smile will shine.

A smile through stress is very strong,

Puts things right when things go wrong.

A smile is strange it wrinkles up your face,

Vanishes quickly into a secret hid...

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Spring brings bounce to young and old

Spring is here,it puts a smile  your face,

Innoculates happiness into the human race.

Sleeves are short clothes are bright,

Celibrating the gift of extra light.

Birds arrive and flowers bloom,

Windows are open in every room.

The grass is green the days are warm,

Around the flowers the bees do swarm.

Trees dressed up...

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Mario Balotelli--A hero

T'was Sunday night and we were all transfixed to the telly,

Ready to watch the pace,strength and technique of Mario Balotelli.

Controversy and trouble seem to follow him wherever he goes,

A perplexing management challenge,but the most promising of pros.

The people's view of Mario changed over night,

A loose canon,a sharp shooter with power a...

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Slow down you drive to fast

Dave from Darwen was racing down the M65,

Going soo fast and lucky to be alive.

He was pulled over by a cop who was ready for his break,

Hankering for his coffee and a piece of carrot cake.

"Hope you've got a good excuse for going so fast,

I looked at my speedo and was truly aghast."

"Well,years ago my wife ran away with a cop,

T...

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"White" said Fred.

Fred had a stain on his new white sweater.

"Wongs laundry,"for removing stains,there was no-one better.

Wong tried his best to remove the stain,

But gave up in the end,his efforts all in vain.

Wong rang his brother and asked him to try.

But his brother too could not remove the dye.

Permanently stained and never to be white,

The moral____"...

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One!Two!Three !Four!

A man broke into a doctor's surgery and flung open the door,

Jumped on the doctor's back counted"One!Two!Three!Four!

"What do you think your doing?"asked Dr Pugh.

"Well doc,everyone did say I could count on you."

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Skinny dipping

Farmer Giles was a very lucky man,

He was on his way to pick fruit in his van.

Picking fruit was very hot work,

To have a dip in your own lake was definately a perk.

He'd packed his trunks ready for the lake,

They were designer label,cheap but fake.

As he approached the water with a bucket full of fruit,

He heard high pitched laughter which s...

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What does she look like?

A  young man and an elderly man bumped into each other on the Dales,

They were both very worried they had lost their females.

The young lad says,"I've lost my wife she was pushing a bike."

"Maybe we can help each other ,what does she look like?

"She's tall,long legs,blue eyes,blonde like Diana Dors,"

"Never mind looking for mine ,lets just ...

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Heath's teeth

Heath was to give an after dinner speech,

But in a rush had forgotten his teeth.

The man next to him said,"Don't worry I can help you Heath."

With that he pulled out a pair of false teeth.

"Too big"said Heath"they move around too much.

"Try these.""Fantastic,you've got the magic touch."

Heath enjoyed the meal without disappointment,

Impressed ...

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A flat joke

Tara was woken up by loud raps on her knocker,

Ben had been hurt at work,he was a Liverpool docker.

She arrived at the hospital in a flurry,

Ben was precious to her,she was full of worry.

She asked the receptionist at which ward she would find poor Ben,

"Ah yes he was knocked down by a steamroller,he's in ward 7,8,9 and ten."

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The teas of Diana

Diana sat in the bus shelter with tears pouring down her face'

Her eyes were red and puffy she looked a disgrace.

An old lady came over and gave her a tissue,

Put her arm round Diana and tried to comfort the issue.

"He's probably not worth it,the ignorant lout,

Get rid of him quickly.he's messing you about!"

The old lady's bus arrived,she wave...

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Welsh is best

Kathryn Jenkins was in charge of recruitment,employing the Welsh she did prefer.

"There are two types of people in this world,the Welsh and those who wished they were"

Tonto went for an interview,but he knew he didn't stand a chance,

So he told a few lies so that his prospects he would  enhance.

But Tonto's chances of employment were extremely bleak,

...

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Women can't half talk!

" Women talk twice as much as men,

Thats a fact!" Ray said to Jen.

"But women use twice as many words as men,my friend Ray,

Because they have to explain every single thing they say."

"What do you mean?"

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