I like this Emily despite finding it somewhat convoluted - in places the flow gets broken with missing or accidentally added words? - 'Put in my a new city' - 'The dust particles of life Pompeii the old way'. I'm not sure how to read them. But there are some excellent lines here also - 'Contemplating poems that seem handed down from the sky' and 'Carbon capture technology to prevent idea exhaust'.

I think this would be an excellent poem to take along to a writing workshop to discuss, analyse and edit down to something a little more concise. I hope that little bit of critique helps and doesn't sound too critical. I don't want to scare you away since you've only just joined Write Out Loud. Welcome btw. Your bio is intriguing - 'Investment banker type masquerading as a hippie'. Sounds like a rich source for poetic inspiration?

There are a lot of very good and varied writers here on WoL so if you have the time and inclination then you have found a valuable resource for learning and improvement. Just take a look at the daily blog posts to get an idea of what's happening here.

Good luck and best wishes,
Colin

Comment is about Power (blog)

Original item by Emily Wolf

Wonderful and powerful Emily.
A time for healing, forgiveness, reformation and renewal. All encapsulated in this topical piece.

Stay blessed.
Raj

Comment is about Power (blog)

Original item by Emily Wolf

Sara Hirsch Wins Over Write Angle audience again!

On stage, Sara's as natural and confident as if she was born there. Words pour out; her voice and eyes carrying them as if she's speaking just to you Herpoetry varies and runs a fine line between being totally hilarious and deeply poignant. She's highly entertaining and animated and has the unique ability to switch the atmosphere in the room to suit each specific poem. Her work is sharply observant, and her storytelling, fluent and accessible. 'With words, Sara says, ''..., you can bend truths, change minds, you can play with words...but your silence….your silence is your secret weapon. Your silence can speak of all the reasons why you can't. Your silence arrests me. Holds me hostage. To your silence, I am handcuffed….'

In her work on 'Feminism and Architecture', the men are building while looking at the women looking at them. The women still have to look like women. Men can wear anything – T shirts, whatever, but if women wear the same, they have to be grateful if they get home safely. Sara speaks of wanting to build pools on every street corner. No lines - only one massive one in which there's no judgment, no racing, just fun. She's always grateful for the edge – 'I need to know my limits... Beauty is the point where air meets the space. She then explains why people should be designed differently.

Her poem, 'How to be Better' makes you laugh while somehow feeling guilty. 'You don't listen to podcasts? You should listen to podcasts. You can download them to your smartphone. How much storage do you have on your smartphone….Do you read articles? You should read articles..On your smarphone, or your tabet. Do you have a tablet? Buy a tablet. One with storage..Do you write every day? You should, in your notebook or on your laptop..' and on and on. (Is it your mother? brother? father?) Sara puts together all the 'shoulds' – till you're 6 inches tall!

She then tells of her adoration for her father. How, each November, she pulls his jumper out of the drawer and wears it through the month...remembering him.
'What does it feel like to be loved? It's a fairy tale city. I don't think I can answer that', she says. 'Thirty-six hours in total with a break in the middle. How long did it take to fall in love?' 'If I had to, I would probably say Twice times half its length'. Her language so accessible yet simple words put in such a way, they produce enough energy to blow up the room! On 'Hair dye and Dementia'- 'Last week my grandad called me Sonja and asked if I was a natural blonde. On visiting the sex clinic, she says, 'There is something distinctly unsettling about sitting in the waiting room at the sex clinic

What does she hope her life will be? '...I want the kind of life that by the end of it, I'm tired. Proper exhausted, like I need a cup of tea and a chocolate digestive before I can even begin to digest it. ...you know when you're in the middle of a life and then you lose your place and you have to start again at the beginning but then you end up discovering this massive thing you missed the first time 'cause' you were distracted? ..or when you've saved your life, but then you log back in and it's all been deleted and you didn't do a backup?'

Sara's subjects seem to spring o
ut, one after the other. On falling, she says, 'My thoughts feel claustrophobic on this kind of train, my brain feels too small for that kind of email. Send help. Send pillows, please, and possibly cake. Make all this seem manageble.Mould me a mountain I can easily climb, build it out of marshmallow. Leave footholds enough to get me to the top and remind me to drop cushions in case I should fall. That is all…' As Richard Marsh says of her, 'we all stumble at some point. Sara invites you to join her in enjoying the fall'. She is pure magic! If you can't get to see her, or even if you do -we suggest you buy her book, 'Still Falling'. Sara is pure energy – on stage and page!

Meantime, our Open Mic started with Dominic Prag, first time WA performer but no 'first time performer' by any means. He takes poems, such as 'Philip Roth's 'The Explosion' and adapts them into songs. He also writes his own songs. 'Charlotte's not coming'. Dom has a good voice and style and we'd love to see and hear more of his work. Richard Hawtree then performed 'Skydiver', about a man who jumped 15,000 feet. 'I'm thinking of a soldier in the Great War'. Then, 'Climb the Steps', about Bishop Fox of Winchester, during the period of Keng Henry VII. He was an admirable man, well respected and trusted and in his latter years, having become blind, he had a staircase built to the castle with 7 steps, 7 paces between each flight – so he could easily get to the 7th set.

Barry Smith spoke of the forthcoming Chichester Festival, then read 'Earth Bound', about alternative life styles. - modern technology versus the old outstretched rod, moving it about, until it twitches and suddenly, you've found water! 'Remove your shoes. Don't disturb the kharma'. 'Seek out laylines. Empty your minds….yes, it works! 'River' followed. He then spoke of the small town in Mid-Bedfordshire where 'a little boy growing up on the river Ivel, deserted the town for something more. A bit of reminiscing...Interestingly, 'mindfulness' appeared in both Sara's and Barry's poems, and was followed by someone who runs a course on 'Mindfulness! Colin Eveleigh got up and read, 'Doing time by numbers, going from 1,2,3 4 to 5,6,7,8 and on...'gotta make every moment count...if we live to 80.

Bruce Parry then read about an unexpected holiday he had, with some friends, to Blankenburg. How breakfast at the hotel consisted of hard boiled eggs, no egg cups, and neither the British, Chinese, Bolivian, or Russians at his table knew what to do with them! He told how some of them tried smashing, some crushing with their fists, some had egg shells remaining, but then Bruce took a coffee cup, placed a napkin at the bottom, cracked the top of the egg off and slicing the rolls into toy soldiers, dipped the soldiers in the eggs and everyone else, intrigued, now did the same. A delightful tale! Hopefully these will also end up in a book!

Jilly Funnell told of her love for her daughter and their exchange of 'I'll always love you, butterfly daughter', and 'I'll always love you, butterfly mother'. Very tenderly done. Then Jilly spoke of the poet, Julia Darling, 'who looked outwards, not inward. She faced things other people don't. Julia passionately believed that poetry should be part of every modern hospital. She wrote life saving poems'. May (Speakezewerdhogge) then read of 'Life in the fast lane'. Cars crashing. 'Missing in action', flowers around a tree. Three girls, side by side. Only the tree knows how he has met his death in this senseless state. Phyllida Carr then did several sing-along songs, 'Runaway Train', 'Clementine'., on her harmonica with the audience joining in, followed by Jake's 'Poets of Petersfield, describing how some are good and some are bad. Yours truly then did a few poems including, 'Re-Birth'. 'When my waters break, will I pop out and be myself?'

The two free dinners at La Piazetta were won by a multi-time winner – who promises to use it herself instead of giving them to her family – we promise you it was not fixed! It's simply the nature of the gamble! And, the evening came to an end! This is Sara's second time round and we hope she'll join us again in 2018! This reviewer is already looking forward to hearing her again!

And, right now, we're looking forward to seeing you all next month when we have 'first timer' comic poet Cynthia Hamilton, very highly recommended by several performers including Paul Lyalls!

Hope to see as many of you as possible!
leahx

Review is about WRITE ANGLE POETRY & MUSIC +OPEN MIC on 16 May 2017 (event)

now and again

I feel the premature

sting of loss...

always we feel the sting of loss
even before we have it
we miss it

Comment is about to earth we return (blog)

Original item by nunya

Ken,
Can`t just go and leave this one.

You miserable old fibber!...Just wait till your mother gets hold of you for those first seven stanzas...that`s not so much self-pity as self flagellation.

I can`t believe you got to stanza twelve before admitting that you`d had any fun

You should have listened to the `strange old man` in the `miserable place` when you got older - he could have told you all about the rest of your stanzas..and all about what happens after that (It`s all about the judgement thing)

Your rhyming is still as bright as a new pin!

Don`t forget - keep off my bit of mould (:

Comment is about IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE ? (blog)

Original item by ken eaton-dykes

Just up for a little air,

Colin and M.C...a belated thanks for your (kind) comments.

Comment is about (blog)

Original item by Harry O`N eill

Lovely poem....I've recently moved back up North from Devon. So idyllic down there. We can all dream of owning a nice space in such places can't we?
(Thanks also for comments on Caravan Holiday ? )
Jon

Comment is about WOODLANDS FOR SALE (blog)

Original item by M.C. Newberry

Thanks, MC. I think the accent ended up more Eastern European than anything.

Comment is about The 'Ostage Situation (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

Thanks David, I guess we all find our way in our own manner. It certainly not a time for absolutes and you say there is more than one way to respond to things.

Comment is about Best Endeavours (blog)

Original item by Tom Harding

A pleasing word picture that brings to life a vignette
of a largely vanished countryside - with the added
pleasure of the personal portrait to close.

Comment is about Contrariwise To The Newest Wrinkle (blog)

Original item by Adam Whitworth

As a singleton of advanced years, I freely confess to a
"lorra laughs" at a bit of fun that harks back to ism-free
times and those saucy seaside postcards.
The pay-off was perfect - and added plaudits for that
over the top Middle of Nowhere accent!

Comment is about The 'Ostage Situation (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

Like a gun shot, this poem. And dead on target. I can see you blowing smoke off the end of the barrel.

Comment is about unmartyred (blog)

Original item by Laura Taylor

Good to see you back on Write Out Loud, Ray. This finely crafted villanelle is a reminder of your skill - as if some of us older WOL hands needed reminding. You will understand that it had to be bumped down from the usual POTW slot at the home page - I wish that this had been a usual week and it could have stayed there, undisturbed.

Comment is about 'Villa Nil' by Ray M is Write Out Loud's Poem of the Week (article)

Original item by Greg Freeman

Hey David..for me, the power in this man's voice has never been surpassed. I know the music these guys made wasn't for every mood, but neither was Caruso's. Beyond that, like I tried to say, his writing is absolute poetry.

Thanks for the link to the great unplugged version and thanks for reading and commenting. x

Rachel

Comment is about I was captivated by the glint of light in your eyes-- (blog)

Original item by nunya

Fun!

Comment is about Herbal Tea (For Mr. Hill) (blog)

Original item by Susan Greene

It was shocking. We always say "never again". Then it happens again. Nothing to do with Islam. Words fail me.

Kevin

Comment is about unmartyred (blog)

Original item by Laura Taylor

A curious offering Tom. Cause and effect starting at the ground and finishing with a result which is intriguing!

Ray

Comment is about The Secret (blog)

Original item by Tom Harding

Any comments on this???

Comment is about Disambiguate Entropy (blog)

Original item by Kusumakar Chandra Pant

Terrific sample poem. And your Bio - short and accurate. And your picture - The Power of the Safety Pin! So loaded with possibilities, the mind boggles.

Comment is about Daisy (poet profile)

Original item by Daisy

HI David,

I did warn you about this one! a sort of retribution seems to await all who seek unearned pleasure as when you pull out the stopper - Dorian Gray a fine example of a trade - off. I personally feel we earn the right for a bit of retro indulgence!

Hi Tom. Lovely to know you read this and like it ! Thanks.

HI Col. I do remember your prosecco corks poem - a fine vintage for sure. What goes around comes back to haunt us. Having a third person does lend impact as we know. I like the ref to Sherlock - there is a quality about him that lends itself to introspection , yes !

Love to all. Ray

Comment is about REMOVING THE STOPPER (blog)

Original item by ray pool

I've always admired his ability to express such raw emotion. We live in a world entirely too crowded with passive-aggressive pricks and his style was always refreshing--Rachel

Comment is about I was captivated by the glint of light in your eyes-- (blog)

Original item by nunya

Thank you all for taking this trip with me and joining me in
a dream that I suspect many share in one form or another
in this increasingly busy and demanding world. Your
approbation and support is MUCH appreciated! My most
recent "find" was an acre on the shore of a West
Highland loch (hence the Scottish loch in the poem), with
grand views across and along its length. i won't mention
the price but that seemed more a matter of negotiation
and approval of the buyer than anything beyond modest
means. So - there's always the possibility....!!!

Comment is about WOODLANDS FOR SALE (blog)

Original item by M.C. Newberry

cheers m'dear. Strange things the music video - the obligatory band shots interspersed with movie style footage. This had me thinking the old farmer in Grant Wood's American Gothic had stepped out from the picture frame and gone on some kind of Blair Witch rampage.

which has nothing much to do with your fine poem and tribute to Chris Cornell. Thanks for all, Col.

Comment is about I was captivated by the glint of light in your eyes-- (blog)

Original item by nunya

absolutely, Colin--

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBZs_Py-1_0

Comment is about I was captivated by the glint of light in your eyes-- (blog)

Original item by nunya

Well Colin, as an Illustrator I like exploring how to visually explain the meanings of lines. How font size and capitalization can effect how we read and interpret the words.

The truth is, the poem is more talking about how calling 'Selfie culture' indulgent and self absorbed is stupid. Society has always had a concept of self portraits, and self photography, and how as a society we have a sick expectation that people both have self pride, but also be humble.

I do think that I need to evaluate how I use formatting from now on, and compare how the poem reads In the highly formatted version vs. the plainly written one.

Thank you for your critique!

Comment is about Selfie Culture is Just Culture You Stupid Fucking Baby Boomer. (blog)

Original item by Connor Lannes

Laura - my son is picking up extra dosh taking photos of punters in Swansea nightclubs which are then posted on the club's website for publicity - look how everyone's having so much fun / our club is the best / blah blah blah! I'm not sure much dancing happens tho - the punters are too busy taking photos of themselves or having photos taken of them.

Connor, the structure of this I guess is meant to emphasise the self-indulgent nature of the selfie culture? But I'm not sure whether in so doing it merely ends up pandering to it and becoming all part of the same narrative so to speak. I wonder if it would have just the same impact written out in plain old Times New Roman. Just a thought. I'm all for exploration and experimentation btw. Cheers, Col

Comment is about Selfie Culture is Just Culture You Stupid Fucking Baby Boomer. (blog)

Original item by Connor Lannes

could you post a link here Rachel, my clunky lappy wouldn't start up the song. Thanks, Col.

Comment is about I was captivated by the glint of light in your eyes-- (blog)

Original item by nunya

I see this as an emotive celebration of the moon Britanny.
The moon has an energy of its own, enlightening many of us in all our different moods.

I like the way it set you free in the last line. So liberating eh!

Nice one.
Raj

Comment is about Dancing For The Moon (blog)

Original item by Brittany A

Sorry Keith. After a re-read it did scan and all the lines did follow the same pattern. I was just a bit too quick to jump in with my comments. Keep em coming.

Cheers Kevin

Comment is about Life´s Span (blog)

Original item by keith jeffries

Keep sharing your work Joanne. WOL is a wonderful community -- very supportive.

Raj

Comment is about Like a Feather (blog)

Original item by Joanne German

Yes Rose, she should throw caution to the wind and go for it.

Glad you like it.
Raj xx

Comment is about An Unborn Union (blog)

Original item by Chakraj

Comment is about An Unborn Union (blog)

Original item by Chakraj

..maybe incorrectly identifying most everything due to the sheer volume...

There are some things which make themselves apparent that cannot be identified by complete sentences, but by only jutting words and phrases--this is one of those things and it is magnificent.

Rachel

Comment is about incorrectly identifying the arias of mario lanza due to the sheer volume of the voices in our heads (blog)

Original item by Stuart Buck

Yes, MC. I think I'd like to own a wood.

Comment is about WOODLANDS FOR SALE (blog)

Original item by M.C. Newberry

Raj Ferds

Thanks so much for commenting on my writing. This is my first comment and it truly means a lot to me that you enjoyed my writing. ?

Joanne

Comment is about Like a Feather (blog)

Original item by Joanne German

Hello...

Thanks, Raj..I'm glad you picked up on those final lines--they were the most special to me, too.

And David...it is a goodbye note, that's true. I find that it's a rare occurrence to encounter any interpersonal relationship that can stand the test of distance and time. Personal circumstances can change so rapidly that, mostly, I find it to be more graceful to forego the complication of trying to maintain communication by simply letting go. But, then, I am thankful for the rare exception to this personal rule.

Hey, Keith...thank you, kind sir. I always appreciate you reading.

And, yes, quite right, Stu--almost like moving against the setting of the sun. Very clever how you put that together.

Such kind comments...take good care, all...

Rachel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmIqIVxUuKs

Comment is about unbent (blog)

Original item by nunya

I got chatting to a bloke on Filey beach earlier this year, MC, who played for Aston Villa in the 1950's. He'd not heard of Danny Blanchflower playing at Villa. Incredible.

Comment is about FAREWELL TO THE LANE (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

oops! forgot ?!

Comment is about An Unborn Union (blog)

Original item by Chakraj

We can all dream. I AM going to win the lottery one day soon, and a patch of country side is definitely on my wish list. Enjoyed this one
Cheers Kevin

Comment is about WOODLANDS FOR SALE (blog)

Original item by M.C. Newberry

"Because I know she will feel the vibrations of my thoughts and take that step"


and,as far as I am concerned,
it will the best step she could
ever have taken!

Lovely Raj.


Rose

Comment is about An Unborn Union (blog)

Original item by Chakraj

I liked this one a lot Keith. The only line I'd probably change is "from teddy bears to arm chairs". I'd have put it onto two lines, and probably stretched it a bit, so it followed the same pattern as the rest of it. (am I being finicky? Sorry)
Cheers Kevin

Comment is about Life´s Span (blog)

Original item by keith jeffries

now then! if this beautiful,beautiful poem does not make 'poem of the week'

I will definitely be going to the foot of our stairs!

Fantastic M.C.??

Rose ?

Comment is about WOODLANDS FOR SALE (blog)

Original item by M.C. Newberry

I really enjoyed this. The moments we spend dreaming of escape. My personal heaven is that scent of the sea. It was lovely to share your dream for a moment. Well constructed.

Comment is about WOODLANDS FOR SALE (blog)

Original item by M.C. Newberry

Ray, thank you. I am happy to take the risk. Keith

Comment is about keith jeffries (poet profile)

Original item by keith jeffries

"the new come in. The old go out. But there's always been a couple posts that never moved, never changed. True relics in blood and body, unshifting and unchanging. They've been sanded down, worn away, skimmed and folded into the smallest and strongest they might ever be. They have survived, and to those of us that have simply LIVED, they might come off a bit distant. I imagine they can look at someone by now and see through all the fat of life -- peer into the core. So, if Left looks clean through you, don't take it personal. You're probably not going to make it."

Comment is about silvermane (0513/2017) (blog)

Original item by Zach Dafoe

Back in the day (very early 1960s) a certain Danny Blanchflower came as a guest to a function to mark
our youthful success as trainees for public service,
and I still recall his glowering reponse when one of the
usual smart-asses in our ranks asked about his
promotion of a certain breakfast cereal. He failed
the test of the good-humoured witty reply that day...
foot firmly in mouth.
But well done to today's Spurs team, a great season.
Pity though that Arsenal faced Everton whilst the
Scousers faced relegated Middlebrough to decide the
4th place in the league. Three London teams in the
first four would have been delightful - and deserved!

Comment is about FAREWELL TO THE LANE (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

Howdy!! Aww, thank you for your note on 3.15am Jon. I am dandy ta, everything going really well (for a change!) - hope life is treating you well too! xx

Comment is about Jon Darby (poet profile)

Original item by Jon Darby

An absorbing trip - well worth the time and trouble of
going along! I think "has" can work...seeing it from a
lad's "then and there" viewpoint. Altogether, a very
enjoyable visit to the past.

Comment is about Caravan holiday (blog)

Original item by Jon Darby

Genius, end-to-end stuff.

Comment is about 'Villa Nil' by Ray M is Write Out Loud's Poem of the Week (article)

Original item by Greg Freeman

Wow...great poem Laura. It always takes me a minute to catch on to what might be obvious to others. Love the mingling of everyday life and the event that everybody remembers with shock.
Really made me stop and think when I realised what had happened in this.
Hope you're ok !! Jon x

Comment is about 3:15 am (tunnel vision) (blog)

Original item by Laura Taylor