Have a happy smoke free year
Make 2019 a smoke free year,
Postpone death and funeral fear.
Prevent the poison in the tar flowing in a flood,
Avoid the threat of clot formation due to thicker blood.
Chemicals in the blood make your heart beat faster,
Furring up your arteries creating a deathly disaster.
The enemy in the smoke can attack your kidneys and win,
Also reducing the amount of oygen reachin...
Monday 31st December 2018 10:41 pm
Spider Woman spreads panic,a follow on.
Sylvia of Sabden was on her way out,
Her thick brown hair was being blown about.
A scary film she wanted to see,
To the cinema she went with her boyfriend Lee.
In the foyer by a mirror she brushed her thick brown hair,
But what happened next Sylvia of Sabden caused quite a big scare!
The brush in her pocket suddenly became alive,
The hairs,spider like,ran down her legs to...
Sunday 23rd December 2018 1:25 pm
Spider Woman
Sylvia from Sabden had thick brown hair,
Wherever she went the boys did stare.
It was beautifully cultured shiny and long,
She regularly combed it ,the threads were so strong.
One morning when combing a shock was in hand,
She looked down at her brush and could not quite understand.
The hair on her brush started moving around,
Joined together and jumped on the ground.
...
Saturday 22nd December 2018 2:29 pm
Oh yes he did ! Oh no he didn't !
All women will know when a man's mask slips,
Intolerable words can be read on his lips.
Corbyn's attack on Theresa May ,
Is as clear as the light of day.
His face turned to the colour of gammon,
Boiling over with anger and venom.
To class Theresa as stupid is grossly unfair,
Jeremy's educational background doesn't compare.
She won a place in grammar school ,did well th...
Friday 21st December 2018 9:04 am
Homelessness ! A plight to fight.
The wind out there is strong and cold,
Attacking the homeless both young and old.
Wrapped up in blankets dirty and damp,
The street is their bedroom,its lights their lamp.
Houses and flats are too expensive for one,
Sleeping in a Debenham's doorway is not much fun.
The homeless problem is a street blight,
Increasing in numbers every single night.
The homeless are ...
Monday 17th December 2018 9:01 am
To be buried or cremated ?
Bob had been married to Beryl for 20 years,
But bad news on the phone Beryl hears.
"Your husband Bob has been involved in a fatal crash."
To the scene of the accident Beryl did dash.
It was a motorway pile up three others had died,
Distraught, Beryl holding Bob's cold hand cried.
It came to her mind the thought of the funeral ahead,
"I don't want to be cremated ,I want to...
Monday 10th December 2018 1:10 pm
The wonder of the worm
Worms are a free farm fertiliser protecting the land,
Creating a multitude of tunnels for the farmer first hand.
Worms do not have teeth but their mouths are muscular and strong,
One of nature's top soil scientists rarely doing wrong.
Biological pistons always there promoting earthly health,
Pumping air and water with incredible stealth.
Saints of the soil passing through th...
Tuesday 4th December 2018 12:40 pm
An act of kindness reciprocated
I was sat outside a Manchester caf,
What happened next will make you laugh.
Sitting there with my dog next to me,
Having eaten a sandwich ,with a cup of tea.
A man rushed by wearing a posh blue suit,
Dropped 50p in my cup ,"Your dog looks cute."
A lady sat opposite next to her cup,
I dropped a pound in it,she was made up.
Friday 30th November 2018 1:55 pm
The new boyfriend!
Jane took her new boyfriend home ,his name was Jim.
He showed off vile tattoos and swore,her parents did not like him.
"Jane ,he is not your type,there are others out there to meet."
"But mum he must be okay,500 community service hours he did complete."
Thursday 29th November 2018 1:53 pm
A free drink day!
Jack loved his drink,
More than his wife ,I think.
Constantly spending pounds,
At his local ,The Hare and Hounds.
Jack was a mountaineer and spent many weekends away,
Conquering many difficult climbs,come what may.
On Sunday to his local he went with his spouse.
'Twas the landlords birthday,"Today the drinks are on the house!"
Jack was first out and climbed up the...
Wednesday 28th November 2018 10:43 am
Breaking the ice
Jane was skating on a very large pond,
Showing off to a boy of whom she was really fond.
The ice in places was very thin,
Suddenly it broke and she fell right in.
The boy jumped in and saved her life,
She proposed to him and became his wife.
It all started off cold but ended up nice,
Jane definitely knew how to break the ice.
Monday 26th November 2018 12:16 pm
Scot,a sad loss
Brenda had just lost her husband Scot,
A serious infection he had recently got.
A newspaper notice announcing his death was the next thing,
She gave the local newspaper a quick ring.
"What would you like to say ?"said the clerk at the end of the line.
"Scot has sadly passed away would be just fine."
"You can put a few extra words in at no extra charge."
"Okay,Scot has sa...
Sunday 25th November 2018 10:23 am
Even more Haiku or Hughku
A marriage haiku
Two aerials got married
Reception was great
Wedding was borring
Funny meal haiku
Cannibals eat clown
One clown says to the other
"This tastes very funny."
Thoughts of a bankrupt haiku
Homeless guys shake cups
"They have more cash than I have,
Please don't rub it in!"
Wet her plants haiku
Mum loves gardening
...Friday 23rd November 2018 12:11 pm
Freedom of choice
Jim was a hardened criminal on his way to jail.
Had robbed many post offices belonging to the Royal Mail.
Jake was into tearing money machines out of banks,
Ruthlessly used agricultural machines built like tanks.
Both had been caught and were ready to be put away.
Jake got the shorter sentence for his affray.
Fate was to bring them together to share the same cell.
The cho...
Tuesday 20th November 2018 9:55 am
Hughmericks
Sid
There was a young man called Sid,
Who was amazed at everything he did.
One day he did die,
His family did cry.
At his funeral, lifted up the coffin lid.
Cher
There was a young girl called Cher,
Who went to the petrol station for air.
She filled up with joy,
Met up with a boy,
Who was amazed at her magnificent pair.
Cannibal event
The...
Monday 19th November 2018 9:12 am
Desire
Tom was a taxi driver on his way to pick up a nun,
He'd always wanted to kiss one thought it would be fun.
So he picked her up and looked her in the eye,
Asked her if she wouldn't mind giving it a try.
She asked him whether he was married or a Catholic .
He said," No neither,"this did the trick.
He pulled over to the side and embraced her in a snog.
But suddenly he burst...
Friday 16th November 2018 12:29 pm
Full of beans
Heinz was a pensioner and lived on his own,
Had three kids,but from the nest they had flown.
His wife died three years ago tragically in a crash.
Heinz lived on the bread line not much cash.
His cooking skills were few and far between,
Eating at a local caf he was frequently seen.
One cold dark evening he said to his host,
"I'll have two portions please of beans on toast....
Thursday 15th November 2018 11:34 am
Wayne's pain turns out to be a sore point
Wayne goes to the doctor's with numerous pains.
"Whatever I touch it hurts it never wane's ."
He pushes his chest with his finger and screams with pain.
Pushing his thigh and shoulder he screams again.
"I know what it is ,"said the doctor confidently.
"Is it fatal ?" asked Wayne worryingly.
"You've got a broken finger."
Wednesday 14th November 2018 11:08 am
Wipe out .Wet wipes an enormous cause of sewage blockage
When as a nation we are in a rush,
Down our loos many things we flush.
A problem we can all do something about,
Bin your wipes hear me shout !
Most of our wipes do not degrade,
When in our sewers never fade.
The plastic contents of these wipes,
Clog and block our sewer pipes.
Wipes are strong from the very start,
Cling together ,difficult to part.
A 3P ...
Tuesday 13th November 2018 1:08 pm
Deal with an embrace
Jill was on a diet and a stone had lost,
Needed a new dress asked what the material would cost.
Jill was slim and attractive,blue eyed and dark.
"Only one embrace per yard ,"smirked the young male clerk.
"That's alright I'll take ten yards ,"said smiling Jill.
And got her 90 year old grandad to pay the bill.
Obesity
A large meal on a big plate,
Smiles at him temp...
Monday 12th November 2018 8:36 am
More haiku or hughku
The sound of silence,11o'clock,11/11/18 {added this morning}
Silence is golden
A tribute to the brave men
Who saved our country
A romantic return haiku
A romantic turn
One boomerang to the other
You'll be back
Eviction haiku
Left worries on steps
Before I got evicted
On street now homeless
A break up telly settlement haiku
...Saturday 10th November 2018 10:53 pm
Marriage name change B.Hind to B.Bottom
There once was a girl from Broadbottom ,
Who married a lad from Ramsbottom
Bill Bottom was his full name,
Mrs Bottom Brenda became.
B.Hind had become a B.Bottom.
Friday 9th November 2018 9:27 am
Anya
"Anya" marks get set go !
Who better to welcome and say hello.
The new meeter and greeter on Write Out Loud,
Compassionate and friendly of whom we are proud.
A poetic marvel of Polish decent,
Who has flowered on this site most recent.
An example to new members she will always be,
Welcoming budding new poets to our family tree.
Thursday 8th November 2018 11:33 pm
Change of plan ."It was miles better."
Jane was trying to sell her car,
She was having no luck so far.
It had done too many miles 250k!
Jane called round to see her friend Ray,
Ray was a mechanic and gave her some advice.
"Let me clock it for you and increase the price."
The speedo now to 50k was wound back.
"Don't tell my boss he'd give me the sack."
A month passed by she met up with Ray,"Did you sell it?...
Tuesday 6th November 2018 11:14 am
Keep feeling young singing a song.
You are never too old to become younger.
Learn day by day to satisfy your hunger.
The more things you love the more you enjoy,
Humour is a priority and can bring you great joy.
Dying is a very dull dreary affair,
Live on and enjoy life ,avoid being there.
Turn your life into a work of art,
Look forward and live on as a child in your heart.
Take plenty of exercise ...
Monday 5th November 2018 11:23 am
A period problem , a pupil problem and a lame excuse
A period problem
"Mum,why am I not getting my period I'm nearly sixteen ?
Jill got hers when she was just thirteen."
The teenager was sadly feeling missed out.
"You getting a period Bill,will never come about "
A pupil problem
Tina was a teacher and suffered from stress,
A situation she was keen to redress.
Things became worst when she became cross- eyed,
...Sunday 4th November 2018 8:02 am
Amelia the young witch from Sabden does it again
A volkswagen and a B.M.W. were driving really fast,
Both wanting to be first,definitely not last.
One overtakes the other down a big hill,
Driving too fast ready to kill.
A child at a crossing hand in hand with her mum,
Wasn't aware what was about to come.
Fortunately a young girl called Amelia was there,
The young witch from Sabden avoided a scare.
She twitched ...
Saturday 3rd November 2018 7:53 am
Memory loss
An elderly poet was forgetting how to rhyme,
And the names of people he had known a long time.
A man came towards him which he knew quite well,
But the name of this man didn't ring a bell.
He stretched out his hand to greet his friend,
And crashed into the mirror,that was the end.
Another memory loss,forgot to mention
The guy who invented the door-knocker got a plea...
Friday 2nd November 2018 8:59 am
Chickened out by Amelia the young witch
Amelia the young witch from Sabden was walking down the street alone,
Two dodgy looking lads had their eyes on her expensive mobile phone.
"Hand that over to us young lass !"
They were not to know what was about to pass.
Amelia twitched her nose two chickens did appear,
The lads were no longer there, nothing now to fear.
Two eggs were laid Amelia took them home,
And safel...
Wednesday 31st October 2018 10:02 am
Trick or eat
Amelia lived in Sabden and was a witch,
In school she was unpopular and called a bitch.
This troubled her very much,
Her class mates were cruel and out of touch.
But belonging to a witch family was not so bad,
Her mum was a witch and so was her dad.
Her dad would drive to school safely in the back seat,
Her mum while at work could make her house neat.
There was a...
Tuesday 30th October 2018 8:12 am
More Halloween Haiku or Hughku time
Scary night haiku
A dark scary night
Don't answer the door tonight
Death could be knocking !
Trick or treat haiku
"Trick or treat ,"they cry
"Answer the door or you'll die!"
Ignored them,still here.
Elderly witch haiku
The witch was ninety
No grey hairs on shiny head
Was completely bald
Scary visitors haiku
Scary knock on d...
Monday 29th October 2018 8:33 am
Halloween Haiku or Hughku time
Coffin haiku
The night was spooky
Graveyard was very noisy
'Cos of the coffin
A bloody good haiku
"Mum what's a vampire?"
"Drink your soup before it clots."
"It's bloody good mum."
Witch haiku
Witch was not happy
Her son's report was crappy
"Broom for improvement !"
New to haiku,any errors made call it a hughku.
Saturday 27th October 2018 8:08 pm
Haiku shocks!
Baker got a shock
He stood on a current bun
It ran up his leg
A witch got a shock
She was swept of her broom and
Flew off the handle
Friday 26th October 2018 9:20 am
Obesity
He rocked to his seat with a smile on his face,
As a grease-laden fish a chip plate he eagerly did face.
Obesity is the greatest threat to health world wide.
A hard hitting campaign against it we must decide.
Fruit juice is definitely a No ! No !
As into your body too much sugar will go.
Five table-spoonfulls of sugar in one large drink!
Before devouring it stop and think...
Thursday 25th October 2018 9:31 am
Ryan and the lion
A lioness wrigggled rather provocatively to have a drink.
A gorilla getting excited gave her a seductive wink.
The gorilla decided to have his wicked way,
The lioness was dumfounded didn't know what to say.
The gorilla ran off back to the zoo at Chester,
The lioness shocked took off after her molester.
The gorilla knew he was in trouble looked for a disguise,
Found a big ...
Wednesday 24th October 2018 8:17 am
"Home Lez "{my nick name}
My name is Lez and I became homeless,
I got into debt and my life became a mess.
I lost all my dignity and became ashamed of my state,
I started sleeping rough in the city ,a life I did hate.
I was particularly vulnerable ended up on the street,
Was criminalised and demonised no future to greet.
I felt invisible and ignored,badly damaged,
Herded to a cliff edge sadly rava...
Tuesday 23rd October 2018 9:36 am
Dead money
There once was an undertaker called Fred,
Who's business in the Summer was dead.
But when Winter came round,
More visits to the burial ground,
Moved his bank account out of the red.
Friday 19th October 2018 8:53 am
From pasture to plate
In meadows green it spends its day,
Then strolls to the barn to pay its way.
The rent is just a pail of milk.
Rewarding the farmer with pure silk.
In every farm the cow will graze,
Its calmness never ceases to amaze.
But despite the music of its moo,
Few will give the beast its due.
As cows calmly chew their grass,
From field to plate they soon will pass.
T...
Thursday 18th October 2018 10:19 am
You could be president!
Donald is inspiring a new young generation,
"Believe in yourself ,you could rule a nation."
Kids and parents knew that this was not going to be.
But things have changed ,this could be a strong possibility.
Wednesday 17th October 2018 8:40 am
The worm experiment
A woman is lecturing at an university on the dangers of drink,
The students listen intently and it makes them think.
"Drinking water is good for you,keeps you healthy and alive."
She drops a worm into a glass of water,the worm did survive.
She picks it up and puts it in a glass of wine,
The class wait anxiously and hope it will be fine.
After a while the worm in the wine appears...
Tuesday 16th October 2018 8:41 am
A moving experience
I was sat on a step outside a Manchester City store,
Sheltering from the rain and a heavy downpour.
Just been to Greggs and a coffee cup in hand,
The benches were too wet for my bottom to land.
"You can't sit there and eat ,you are in the way!"
A man showed me his badge and said I couldn't stay.
Think he thought I was a beggar collecting in my cup,
At first,until I confidently...
Monday 15th October 2018 10:12 am
A visual boost
A man looks in the mirror trying on a hat,
Says to his wife,"Look at me I'm getting old and fat,
Pay me a complement my love and make me feel better."
"Well your eyesight is great can't think of anything better."
Sunday 14th October 2018 7:54 am
A missed kiss
Jim and Jane had been married a long time,
They were happy together and got on fine.
But physical contact was on the wane,
No problem to Jim but it worried Jane.
Some new neighbours moved into the house next door.
When Jane saw their physical reactions it worried her even more.
Each morning at the door the man gave his wife a kiss,
Jane said to Jim ,"Why don't you do this...
Saturday 13th October 2018 12:40 pm
Bad bottom behaviour
Two flies were hovering around looking for something to do.
They both decided to land on some recently excreted dog poo.
They were fortunate that the turnout had not been binned.
One of the flies made a noise and proceeded to pass wind.
"Your bad bottom behaviour ,"said the other,"definitely needs treating,
How dare you pass wind while I am still eating!"
Don't give the flie...
Friday 12th October 2018 8:42 am
Spaghetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse,
News was to unfold which would affect his purse.
She told him she was soon to give birth.
Discretion was paramount ,more than his marriage was worth.
Not wanting his wife to know,
To Italy to give birth he made the nurse go.
"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?"
"Send me a postcard with" spaghetti" on it the followin...
Thursday 11th October 2018 10:04 am
Life in a Care home
I wonder round my care home rooms,
Where death round every corner looms.
I wonder who is going to be next,
We sit and wait sad and vexed.
In the long voyage we call life,
I was once a mother and a wife,
My yesterdays walk with me ,mainly the best,
I frequently forget where I've put the rest.
My big toe frequently makes a hole in my sock,
Unsteady on my feet on ...
Wednesday 10th October 2018 9:24 am
Stress can make a mess
They say that stress can be a killer,
But can be exciting like a thriller.
Life devoid of its highs and lows,
Boringly slips by and soon goes.
So live life to the full and sample the stress.
But learn how to confidently clear up the mess.
Tuesday 9th October 2018 8:44 am
Bill's can win
Bill was a gambling man and just loved to win.
He was at a machine putting his money in.
"Oh my goodness I've won agen !
That's amazing I'm up to ten."
He placed his winnings on top of the machine.
"I'm constantly winning I'm living a dream."
He jumped with joy as another can did fall,
He'd never won as much at all.
A lady shouted at him dressed in pink,
"Hurry up,you'v...
Sunday 7th October 2018 9:29 pm
18
A dozen teenagers were on a night out.
They were stood outside a night-club hanging about.
Entrance into the night-club said they were not allowed.
So they hung about noisily with the crowd.
They saw five students they already knew,
And invited them to join them in the queue.
Now they were a gang of seventeen stood at the door.
One of them shouted ,"We only need one more ...
Friday 5th October 2018 11:57 am
A visit to New York
An Archbishop once went on a visit to New York,
On his arrival with a reporter did talk.
Asked "What do you think of the prostitutes you'll find there?"
His answer, in question form produced a big scare.
"Are there any prostitutes in New York ?"he did say.
His question made headlines in the tabloids next day .
Hells bells
The new vicar of ST Giles who's name was Pete.
...Wednesday 3rd October 2018 9:08 am
Snapped up and swallowed,a crocodile scare.
I picked up a crocodile at an illegal pet shop,
Put it in the car but soon had to stop.
A car pulled up flashing its blue light,
I had to stop it gave me a fright.
The cop said that I had been speeding.
I said to him," My crocodile needs feeding."
"So you broke the speed ,limit to get him fed !!"
The crocodile didn't like this and bit off his head.
News of this t...
Tuesday 2nd October 2018 10:00 am
Drugged up and homeless in Manchester yesterday
Cross -legged he stumbled ,the sight was not nice,
Heavily drugged up with the danger drug spice,
Stumbling through the city centre mumbling to himself.
His body slowly crumbling on a death shelf.
Thumps down on a bench ,his body bent,
Transmiting through the air a terrible scent.
A young girl sat there reading a book,
"Will you marry me tomorrow?"as he gave her a look.
The...
Thursday 27th September 2018 8:19 am
Getting to the bottom of finding the lost ball
Jo was out playing golf with his wife,
What happened next could have ended a life.
She sliced her ball into a field full of cows,
They were a very close couple ,not many rows.
She wasn't going to give up the ball for lost,
Very careful with her money,worried what a replacement would cost.
They searched and searched to no avail,
On the point of giving up Jo lifted up a cow...
Wednesday 26th September 2018 8:10 am
Claire's despair
Claire calls the fire-brigade,her need was dire.
"Help me ,help me, my house is on fire!"
The fireman answers,"Ok how do we get there?"
"In the red truck with the blue light!"She cried in despair.
Tuesday 25th September 2018 10:27 am
Theresa May
There was a Prime Minister called Theresa May,
Who won the Brexit vote not to stay.
She wriggled about ,
The opposition did shout.
And tried to trip her up on the way.
The RISK
The U.K. economy is uncertain,
Leaving the E.U. could pull down the curtain.
Leaving us in the dark,
Facing a recession RISK mark.
Reduced growth and currency depreciation,
To many unce...
Monday 24th September 2018 4:29 am
Dead
There was young man called Fred,
Who woke up one morning dead.
He heard a bell ring ,
And the angels did sing.
Thankfully to heaven he was led.
Cancelled contract
There was a young man from Colne,
Who spent half his life on the phone.
When he got his last bill,
It made him feel ill.
Lived the rest of his life all alone.
...
Saturday 22nd September 2018 7:22 am
Cancelled contract
There was young man from Colne,
Who spent half his life on the phone.
When he got his last bill,
It made him feel ill.
Lived the rest of his life all alone.
Saturday 22nd September 2018 7:18 am
The moody bus driver
The bus driver was in a very bad mood,
And to customers paying with large notes he was extremely rude.
A lady gets on with a baby and pays with a £20 note,
The driver angrily shouts,"You have destroyed my float!
Your baby is the ugliest I have ever seen."
Everyone thought the driver was really mean.
A man she sat next to said,"Go up there and give him a clout,
I'll hold your m...
Wednesday 19th September 2018 10:32 pm
Confessions of a husband and wife
Fred was on his deathbed,Jill held his fragile hand.
"Oh please my darling forgive me,I hope you'll understand!"
Jill's sweet voice aroused him from his sleep,
He looked up, pale,tired and began to weep.
"My darling Jill I have a confession to make before I go."
"Hush my love don't talk I think I know."
"No I must tell you now and die in peace,
The guilt in my troubled mind I ...
Wednesday 19th September 2018 1:58 pm
A teacher's problems with her pupils.
Tina was a teacher and suffered from stress,
A situation she was keen to redress.
Things got worst when she became cross-eyed,
The headmaster on her progress was disatisfied.
So with the local doctor she was advised to enrol.
Who said ,
"The problem lies with your pupils getting out of control."
Tuesday 18th September 2018 4:44 am
Guards on a train are a must
Tears from a 75 year old lady pour,
As her dog's lead gets stuck in the train door.
A step up from the platform made it difficult to get up,
The driver couldn't see due to the track set up.
Her hand got caught in the door but she managed to pull it free,
"I started screaming and banging the door,but there was no guard there for me!"
Dragged to his death through a tunnel attached ...
Saturday 15th September 2018 10:51 pm
Deal with a kiss
Jill was on a diet and a stone had lost.
Needed a new dress asked what the material would cost.
Jill was slim and attractive,blue eyed and dark.
"Only one kiss per yard ,"smirked the young male clerk.
"Thats fine I'll take ten yards,"said smiling Jill.
And got her 90 year old grandad to pay the bill.
Thursday 13th September 2018 9:56 am
Minister of Affairs
There once was a London mayor,
Who loved to have the occasional affair.
When his wife found out,
She kicked him out.
To become the first new Minister of Affairs.
Sunday 9th September 2018 10:17 am
Homeless
There was a young man called Boris,
Who went upstairs with a florist.
The relationship did flower,
But in exactly one hour,
He was thrown out of his house by Doris.
Saturday 8th September 2018 9:46 am
Diddle,diddle dumpling
Diddle,diddle dumpling my son Fred,
Woke up one morning with a demon in his bed.
She had wings and was ready to fly,
She was warm and beautiful with evil in her eye.
She jumped on his head and entered his brain,
She was there to explore and mentally drain.
The goodness in there she physically drank.
The badness she spread as an evil prank.
"I need a saviour to hea...
Friday 7th September 2018 11:33 am
It wasn't my dog!
I went to a house to show them a car,
It was round the corner it wasn't too far.
We sat on the couch and worked out a deal,
When in walked a dog and sat down to heel.
He moved onto the carpet and got into a squat,
Left a big mound it was quite a lot.
Well I was so embarassed I didn't know what to do,
And wondered whether the carpet was always its loo.
The customer igno...
Wednesday 5th September 2018 8:31 pm
Demonization,beware !
Demons come and demons go,
They enter the brain when your feeling low.
Spreading evil as the good they shred.
Causing major panic in your head.
If the bad in your head prevails,
Then into the depth of darkness the demon sails.
Magnifying the evil thats embedded there,
Heaving it out in a thunderous scare.
Disasters happen when brains are badly demonized,
Lives...
Tuesday 4th September 2018 6:50 pm
Doing time
Hickory dickory dock,
The criminal sat in the dock.
The judge did frown,
Sent the criminal down.
Hickory dickory dock.
Monday 3rd September 2018 8:32 pm
Release 0f a jail bird
There was a young woman from Greece,
Overjoyed at her prison release.
With her legs far apart,
Laid ten eggs for a start,
And sold them all to the police.
Locked up
There was a young man from Aviemore,
His job as a locksmith he did adore.
Broke into a jeweler's shop,
Caught in the act by a passing cop.
And swiftly made a bolt for the door.
Sunday 2nd September 2018 6:44 am
An electric shock
There was a young lady called Meg,
Who sat cross-legged with a cup to beg.
She loved to have fun,
But sat on a bun.
Then a current ran up her leg.
Saturday 1st September 2018 11:52 am
Spider fear
"I am an insect and I live in the grass,
Terrified of being eaten at every blade that I pass.
I look out for spiders,nasty,evil and scary,
With numerous eyes,sharp fangs and feet that are hairy.
Pursued by a spider once I'm lucky to be still alive.
He was distracted by a fly,thankfully I did survive."
Spiders inspire fear like few animals will.
Lurking in webs lying ready...
Friday 31st August 2018 10:10 am
A shock for Jock
Jane and Jock loved holidaying in Lytham St Anne's,
Of the beach and its beauty they were great fans.
They loved going there on anniversary celebrations,
The views around gave them excitable elations.
They decided to go there to celebrate 20 years together
And along the beach one day enjoying the sunny weather,
They came across a secluded spot where once they had made love.
...Tuesday 28th August 2018 1:13 pm
The three wishes
An old lady is rocking in her chair,
Wrinkled skin and snow white hair.
Suddenly a fairy flies through the door,
And grants her three wishes she did adore.
"I would like to have a million quid in my Barclays account."
Checking her statement she now had that amount !
"I would wish to be slim and beautiful dressed to kill."
She looked in the mirror saw an image to thrill.
...Sunday 26th August 2018 10:57 pm
Follow up to a dirty girl
The dirty girl bad and mean,
Not afraid to do what others dream.
The dirty girl wearing tight revealing apparel,
With eyes that suck you in with a double barrel.
"Hold your hands up or I'll shoot,
Look at my body I'm really cute."
Dirty girl a bitch if need be,
With a huge amount of energy.
The dirty girl with no name,
Will do anything ,no shame.
Sunday 26th August 2018 9:01 pm
Alcoholic Aid,but unfortunately a wee rejection
A charity worker knocked on Debbie Hicks' door,
He knew her as he had called there before.
"Hello I'm collecting for the home for alcoholics,
Can you donate anything to help Mrs. Hicks?"
"Of course I can ,I'm always ready to give you a helping hand,
If you come back after closing time you can have my husband."
After closing time the charity worker collected him.
Asked,"H...
Saturday 25th August 2018 10:26 pm
mildred
In an American hospital people were always dying in the same bed.
On Sunday morning regardless of their medical condition they were found dead.
This puzzled the doctors and produced quite a scare.
It happened in the intensive care unit,recovery was rare.
The unexplained deaths occurred around 9 o'clock,
A worldwide team of experts were called in to observe round the clock.
On Su...
Friday 24th August 2018 12:20 pm
An examination twist
"To see the doctor on our own we can't,"
Said an attractive young girl chaperoned by her aunt.
"We have come for an examination," said the girl on their arrival.
"Good ,"said the doctor."Regular medical checks are good for survival."
"Get behind the curtain and strip," he said.
The situation the doctor had grossly misred!
"Its not for me ,"the young girl did shout."
Turning to...
Wednesday 22nd August 2018 9:45 pm
A bill con
Bill was at ASDA in a queue at the check-out,
He had noticed an elderly lady had been following him about.
She was before him now in the queue,
Her trolley full of items for the check-out to view.
"Excuse me "she said, "You look exactly like my son,
I have never seen anyone like him,you are the only one!
He passed away lately I am sad to say,
As I leave would you call out,Goo...
Tuesday 21st August 2018 11:37 am
A catastrophy
Fred normally did his shopping on line,
But this week he needed to view the beer and the wine.
So he walked down to ASDA ,but dogs aren't allowed.
He tied up his rottweiler away from the crowd.
But as he approached the check-out pushing his trolley,
He was approached by a lady who said,"I'm really sorry,
I think my little kitten has killed your dog!"
"That's impossible," said...
Monday 20th August 2018 9:06 am
Anya
Anya is definitely the poet to watch,
Her writing's unique never a botch.
Her poems are varied her topics are great.
We don't know what's coming , we leave it to fate.
Fate is in her hands and her imaginative brain,
Keep different things coming, please don't refrain.
Keep on composing and filling us with joy.
A compendium of poems which we thoroughly enjoy.
Sunday 19th August 2018 11:40 am
Dolly folly
Polly had just finished a difficult task,
Which prompted her teacher to ask.
"Why are you crying Polly?"
"Because Wendy has broken my dolly."
"How did she do it ,that's quite bad?"
"I hit her over the head with it really hard."
Saturday 18th August 2018 9:32 pm
A wee error
An elderly Minister of a certain religion went to see his doc.
The doc was quite intrigued as to what was written on his sock.
"I love my God with all my heart,
He's always looked after me from the very start."
"What is the significance of what is written?"
Asked the doc",The words have got me truly smitten "
"I go to the bathroom and He turns on the light,
And when I have fi...
Friday 17th August 2018 8:26 pm
the smile on your face
A smile is warm without the heat,
Comes from the heart,difficult to beat.
A smile brings us together whether its yours or mine,
Never mind whats happening your smile will shine.
A smile through stress is very strong.
Puts things right when things go wrong.
A smile is strange wrinkles up your face,
And vanishes quickly into a secret hiding place.
If you feel a smil...
Friday 17th August 2018 8:33 am
So many ANTS!
Two ANTS loved their food and met at a restaurANT.
It was an expensive place to eat,they were extravagANT.
The couple were in love and full of hope ,
They ran away together stayed at the ANTelope
One of the pair was good at maths and became an accountANT,
The other became a model ,she was elegANT.
If either was criticised they were defiANT,
They were both very f...
Thursday 16th August 2018 6:14 am
A satisfaction nightmare
Keith and Olivia were lying in bed one windy night,
Keith wanted to sleep and turned off the light.
"Do you remember in bed how you used to hold my hand?"
Immediately his hand on her hand did land.
Keith attempted to go back to sleep.
"Then you used to kiss me," she did weep.
Keith hovered above her and kissed her on her cheek.
"Please let me go now to sleep,not slept wel...
Wednesday 15th August 2018 8:26 pm
I made a mistake
Jim rang the police to report items missing in his car.
"The steering wheel ,the stereo,the accelerator are missing so far.
I don't know how they did it I was only away for an hour."
But suddenly what really happened began to flower.
He rang the police back feeling quite ashamed,
"Not one of the items have been stolen that I have named,
Please don't bother to come out officer an...
Tuesday 14th August 2018 1:17 pm
4-letter words!
Molly had led a sheltered life ,her dad was a vicar.
Lou was one of seven ,a family who loved their liquor
Molly against sound advice moved in with her friend Lou.
But Lou started using 4-lettered words she was not used to.
"They're 4-lettered words mum, I haven't heard before.
Please,please come and get me I can't take anymore!
Please,please mum!! Pick me up you must.
They ar...
Monday 13th August 2018 11:48 am
Shell sequel
The shell is a hard protective layer created by an animal that lives in the sea.
The animal inside has died and has been eaten up by another animal for his tea.
Waiting for the end to come...but the end was happy.
The shell was picked up by a sailor from Quebeck,
Who made Anya a necklace out of it to hang round her neck.
Sunday 12th August 2018 9:59 pm
No wind in the Willows !
Linda wasn't happy in her old people's home,
So her family transferred her from Frimley to Frome.
The nurses at The Willows,her new home, were kind and alert,
But were concerned at times that she might get hurt.
She seemed to lean over sideways on her chair.
Two nurses caught her straightened her,here they did care.
After a while she starts leaning to the other side.
To keep ...
Sunday 12th August 2018 7:41 am
The transfer of pain machine
To the delivery ward of the hospital a couple were sent .
They were asked to sign a transfer of pain agreement.
The doctor had invented a transfer of pain machine transmitting a portion of the pain to the dad.
To participate,since it was obviously reducing her pain,the husband was glad.
20 percent pain transfer was set,the effect was difficult to tell.
The contributing husband conti...
Saturday 11th August 2018 10:10 am
Its fly day, the tenth of August
God in heaven made the fly,
But never got round to telling us why.
He sent down the spider to catch the fly,
But why oh why did You make the fly?
I fly into a house and land on some bread,
Spreading my germs while getting well fed.
I crawl on the wall watching the world go by,
Looking out for preditors so I don't die.
Suddenly into a spider's web I did fall,
Entangl...
Friday 10th August 2018 1:17 pm
A sad wish
A couple in their early 60's were celebrating 38 years of married bliss.
A fairy appeared and looked upon it as an opportunity she could not miss.
"As you have been faithful and loving to each other for so many years I will grant you each a wish."
The wife said"To travel round the world on a luxury cruise liner would be delish"
The fairy waved her magic wand and two tickets to travel...
Thursday 9th August 2018 6:56 pm
A tragedy in Jerusalem
A heavily nagged husband was on holiday in Jerusalem for a week or two,
His wife loved going there on their holidays ,she was a Jew.
Unfortunately while they were there she sadly passed away.
An undertaker contacted him and said there were two ways to pay.
"You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for 700 quid,
Or you can have her shipped home for 1400."That's what he did.
T...
Wednesday 8th August 2018 10:19 pm
It started with a sneeze
Jack was sat on the train comfortably wearing his new M.S.kegs.
Admiring a gorgeous,curvaceous,blonde crossing her legs.
He had been eying her up since he had sat down.
She was slim,perfectly dressed suntanned and brown.
Suddenly her glass eye with a sneeze comes out of its socket towards Jack,
He reaches out and grabs it and quickly hands it back.
"Oh I am so sorry ,"she s...
Tuesday 7th August 2018 11:20 pm
Don't drink and drive!
Three blokes on a night out were drinking more and more,
One of them passes out and lands flat on the floor.
One of the others goes to the bar to buy the next round,
"What's he having?"asks the landlord pointing to the bloke on the ground.
"I'd better not let him have any more to drink,
He'll be driving us home later I think."
Tuesday 7th August 2018 9:53 am
Football crazy
A wife was having an affair with the t.v. repair man.
She complained,"Dan watches football whenever he can,
Thats why we have got the biggest t.v. in the street,.
Quick hide behind it I can hear his feet!"
So the lover hid behind it while Dan sat in his arm chair.
He got hot and uncomfortable until the heat he could not bear.
And walked passed Dan and his wife with a nervous coug...
Monday 6th August 2018 9:34 am
A little bit of flirt
She was slim and smart with plenty of charm,
Chatty and friendly,confident and calm.
She'd come to see me to plant a seed.
By the end of the meeting I was her dog on a lead.
She crossed her legs and was a little bit of a flirt,
She did it with her eyes and a very short skirt.
She signed me up for a caravan and a car,
No swear words or smoke from a cigar.
No footie talk...
Sunday 5th August 2018 7:09 am
It was difficult to digest what had happened
It was difficult to digest what had happened two fields away.
Two cannibals had lit a fire fuelled by two bails of hay.
They had enjoyed the best meal they had had in their life.
"A fantastic roast,"said the first cannibal"made great by your wife."
"Your wife certainly makes a great roast."
"She certainly does,I can't help but boast."
"Yeh " but with sadness in his...
Saturday 4th August 2018 1:06 pm
"White" said Fred
Fred had a stain on his new white sweater.
"Wong's laundry," for removing stains,there was no-one better.
Wong tried his best to remove the stain ,
But gave up in the end ,his efforts were in vain.
Wong called his brother asked him to try.
But his brother too could not remove the dye.
Permanently stained and never to be white,
The moral,"Two Wongs will never make a white."
...
Friday 3rd August 2018 1:35 pm
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