It was Boxing Day and Jenny was passing her local M&S,

She was going to a New Years Eve party and needed a new dress.

She saw a dress in the window which caught her eye,

"Please can I try on that dress in the window?" to an assistant she did cry.

The assistant replied,"For you to try on that dress in the window I would deplore !

You'll have to try it on in the fitting room like ever...

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Pat went to see her doctor as she had an allergy to her cat,

Returning a week later,things hadn't improved sadly for  Pat.

"The treatment wasn't very sucessful,"she was heard saying,

Turns out on the cat the inhaler she was spraying !!

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It's Christmas and a couple are sipping wine,

Jane suddenly says,"I love you and your mine."

"Is that you or the wine talking ?"says Fred..

"It's me talking to the wine ,"Jane said. 

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My mother didn't need her phone anymore,

To get it disconnected was quite a chore.

Customer service said the account was in my dad's name.

An unhelpful reply from customer service came.

My dad would have to put in the request,

"Not possible ,two years ago my dad was laid to rest !"

I decided determinately not to pay the bill,

My action plan unfortunately I  did not fullfi...

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Omicron is spreading like wildfire across the U.K.

Lockdown we must impose right away.

This variant is spreading at a rate not seen before,

Implement lockdown now Boris I  implore !!

Be aware Boris of the before Christmas risk,

Bring on lockdown now Boris,be brave and brisk .

An enormous rise in infections we will experience before Christmas day,

If you don't do as many o...

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"Due to the pandemic I started a job that I did dread,

The only people I did meet,were sadly the dead.

At the morgue family members were not allowed to be there,

I learnt to treat each body with loving care.

Inside the morgue I feel overwhelmed and lost,

My thoughts are with the families and those they have lost.

Nurses place the bodies in a white bag,

And scribble the bo...

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 A vulnerable lady in her 80's was robbed of her cash,

Two men tricked their way into her home and off with her handbag did dash.

They falseley claimed they worked for the water board,

Trauma into this elderly lady these despicable thieves have poured.

Once inside one man made an excuse to go upstairs,

She was pushed onto a bed ,now traumertised despairs.

This was a despicab...

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The Omicron virus is spreading really fast,

Four times more could be self-iscolating than Christmas last.

Case numbers are doubling every single day,

Hundreds of thousands are likely to test positive before Christmas day.

Omicron cases might get to two hundred thousand a day,

A yultide of iscolation is on the way.

The elderly more likely to put pressure on the N.H.S.

A ti...

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Lockdown drags on and Boris scandals increase by the day,

The pandemic pain doesn't seem to be going away.

Boris takes the cabinet out for dinner,

Political stress is making them thinner.

The waiter asks Boris,"What are you having to eat ?"

"I'll have a steak ,I deserve a treat."

The waiter says,"What about the vegetables ?"

Boris answers "Oh they'll have the same as me."

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"In bits shattered ,upside down ,

It's a hard struggle begging in my town.

Being homeless is scary and depressing,

Empty,lost,I'm constantly stressing.

Those that govern need to look after their own more,

Rather than give priority to those washed up on our shore !

Everyone deserves warmth and a bed,

I feel invisible,destined to be dead !

Posh lifestyles,sumptuous ...

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Cross legged he sat out in the cold,

Begging for assistance only 20 years old.

His life fell apart when he lost his home,

He sank into depression as the streets he did roam.

But a beacon of hope shone his way,

And the light is shinning on him today.

The Salvation army helped him survive,

Found him a job,a new home and thankfully thrive.

As you look forward to spen...

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Fred Faithful was a very loyal man,

Lorraine was his lovely girlfriend,he was her number one fan.

One day he went to work and a new girl had started,

She was called Clearly,drop dead gorgeous,newly parted.

Fred became besotted,it was obvious Clearly liked him too.

But he still loved Lorraine and didn't know what to do.

Fortunately as fate had it Lorraine ran away with John,

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To the 6ft 6in BBC breakfast host,

I  lift up my glass and offer a toast.

Onto the Strictly dance floor Dan legged,

To do it 'cos his three kids begged.

Dan Walker you are a star,

Even your wife is amazed you have got so far.

Into the quarter finals you have arrived,

After numerous leader board bottoms,you've survived.

To the dance floor tonight doing the tango  D...

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Council workers lifted up cars with a crane,

To paint double yellow lines on a previously  unrestricted lane.

One by one they lifted each car up and down,

Parking tickets issued incited a communal frown  !!

Shortly after the council workers had completed painting the lines,

As an unfortunate coincidence, parking wardens arrived in the area and issued fines.

Numerous £70 fine...

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Keep on watch because you know neither the day or the hour,

Keep looking,keep awake for you know not when the end will flower.

Those exhibiting selfish,greedy,fierce and unloving traits will cease to be,

Evidence that they are entering their final days seems clear to me.

The world is passing away,to  rejuvenate we must endeavour,

The one who does the will of our Creator will re...

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Devastating wars,famines,earthquakes and diseases,

Constantly into our world the devil squeezes

In one year, 2.6 million world-wide covid deaths instil fear,

Does an event like this  indicate the end of the world is near ?

The complexity of the world being ruled by humans is a mess,

Hunger,disease,wars ,natural disasters, a sea of stress.

God's Kingdom is the only power to s...

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The choir at the concert hall were ready to perform,

But there was no-one there due to a violent storm.

However,there was one man sat in the front seat.

The choir master turned to the choir and said,"Let's give him a treat.

We'll honour our commitment and perform in the usual way."

"Hurry up,"said the man in the audience,"I'm the caretaker and it's been a long day !!"

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Parking rows in a village near Taunton ,neighbours have said,

Led to a couple being stabbed and tragically end up dead.

They have been named as Stephen and Jennifer Chapple,

Their horrific end ,a community ,sadly have to grapple.

The impact their deaths will have on their children is utterly heart-breaking,

Aged five and six found asleep upstairs,traumatically breath-taking.

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Jane's mum wanted her phone disconnected,

But in her dad's name the phone was connected.

Her dad according to customer service would have to sort it out,

But Jane's dad had been dead for 20 years,it would not to come about.

"But "said Jane ,"If we stop paying the bill  it will bring it all to an end."

"Yes "said customer service,"but a customer liability notice to your dad we w...

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He was her world,her life,her everything,

Nothing could have prepared her for what covid would bring.

Dr Irfan Halim a gifted doctor right up to the end,

Treating covid patients on the front line,helping them mend.

Described as being like  "ten men in one body"on the front line,

Working on a covid intensive ward died after a covid battle on week nine.

A hero surgeon missed a...

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Zulu was a zebra just retired from Chester zoo,

Went to live on a farm ,the experience was quite new.

She came across a big fat weird thing,supposedly a cow,

Who had just filled a bucket full of milk and was making quite a row.

She then saw this strange white thing who had just laid an egg,

"Hello I'm a friendly chicken and my name is Peg."

Zulu soon was settled and the farm...

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The house has been brought into disrepute,

Many dodgy dealings to make more loot.

To strengthen political standards we must,

Those who have been privileged to look after us we must trust.

You cannot be a poacher and a gamekeeper I stress,

Sweep corruption under the carpet,clean up the mess.

To look after their constituenis M.P.s must aspire,

Not become political cabs up f...

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Sue on a plane sits next to Hugh,

In mid flight Sue goes to the loo.

On her return Hugh had jumped into her seat,

Sue's furious rage Hugh was to meet.

"Can't believe you've sat in my seat Hugh !"

"Oh I'm so sorry,I thought you'd got off Sue ."

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An Englishman,an Irishman , a Scotsman and a Welshman walked into an undertakers in Stoke,

The undertaker perplexed at what was going on said,"I'm seriously thinking this is a joke !"

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I couldn't afford the rent,

Now sleeping in my tent.

Hostels are hard to come by,

Desperately to get a bed I try.

Into my damp sleeping bag I creep,

When it's freezing I can't sleep.

Some kind people buy me a coffee or a pasty,

Others look down on me and excrete comments that are nasty !

I sit crouched  up against a rubbish bin,

Hoping someone will pass by and ...

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Due to forgetfulness to the doctor for a brain X ray Fred did go,

"Doctor,what do the results of my brain X ray show ?"

"Unfortunately nothing I'm afraid ,

It all boils down to how you were first made ."

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Today I paid a visit to my bank,

A cashier there I will never thank.

Please check my balance I did say,

She pushed me over right away !!

Withdrawal symptoms came over me,

I transferred my account to H.S.B.C. !!

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He went into the morgues when staff had left,

The things he did left our nation bereft.

Many of his victims died another death,

Abused after taking their final breath.

The most vulnerable in our society have been failed,

After a number of burglary offences, he was not jailed.

He stayed in his post never got the sack,

And kept trophies to relive every single attack.

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The child-minder was rather surprised how quiet little Lucy appeared to be,

"Why are you so well behaved and quiet,seems a little strange to me ?"

 " Because mummy has said I can have a new teddy bear,

If I don't say anything about your enormous nose and snow white hair."

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George met the gym insructor at the Ritz,

And asked ,"Can you teach me how to do the splits "?

"How flexible are you ?"the instructor did ask .

"I can make any day except Friday to complete the task. "

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Tom was driving his wife Sue to the brink,

Spending too much time at the pub addicted to drink.

To weigh up why he was wrong,

To the pub one night Sue went along.

"What will you have to drink Sue ?"

"Think I'll have the same as you."

Tom knocked back two whiskies really quick.

Sue followed suit ,but was really sick.

"That's nasty poison !! Sue shouted out,

Can'...

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I was shocked when Dan arrived at my house wearing a bra.

"Why an earth are you wearing that,your carrying things a bit too far !!

How long have you been wearing that bra  Dan ?"

"Ever since my wife found it in the back of my van !"

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I'd been married to Beryl for 30 years,

But bad news on her phone Beryl hears !

"Your husband has been involved in a fatal crash !"

To the scene of the accident Beryl did dash.

It was a motorway pile up ,three others had died,

Distraught,Beryl holding my cold hand cried.

It came to her mind the thought of my funeral ahead,

"I don't want to be cremated,I want to be buried ...

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Jane brings her new boyfriend home to meet her mum and dad,

Appalled by his tattoos,haircut and earings,to them he looked bad.

Later, Jane's mum said,"Definitely not a good choice  for you my dear !"

"But mum ,he must be good,he's done 600 hours community service this year ! "

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"The last few years have been tough,

Many more of us have been sleeping rough.

Losing my job and my home I was pushed to the brink,

Misery tragically led me to begging,drugs and drink.

Kicked out of my house ,I had nowhere to go,

On one occasion over a tree a rope I did throw.

I was exposed to freezing temperatures ,hunger and abuse,

I felt deeply depressed and not much u...

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George my friend went to a gohst-ery store in East Cheam,

Bought loads and loads of boxes of I-scream,

Jumped in the car with Vera the vampire, gave her a peck,

Vera gave him a kiss,'twas a pain in the neck !

Vera at the bakery went up to the jam doughnut shelf,

Sucked out all the jam all by herself.

The selection to eat at the bakery were numerous,

But nothing with ...

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Let's keep Britain safe and free,

As yet no booster jab offered to me.

The N.H.S.faces a tough winter ahead,

Many of us will end up infected and dead.

Protection wears off for the jabs we have already had,

For a booster jab appointment I will be so glad.

For the first two jabs I happily did go,

The booster jab is being delivered far too slow. !!

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"Hello my name is Jim,was jailed at the age of eighteen,

Looking back, the crimes I committed were really mean.

Criminals locked up,don't all come out reformed, 

I came out worst completely deformed !

Prison didn't help me correct my ways,

I learnt lessons from veterans that crime pays.

After two years inside serving my time,

I was set free to practice my education in cri...

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Sir David Amess was passionately committed to his job,

Struck down,in a church of all places, by an extremist yob.

A fatal  attack on our elected M.P.,

A damaging  assault on our democracy. !!

Poisonous political views are excreted in the social media sewer,

For difficult and dangerous debate we must find a cure.

The views of every positive voice in our community we mus...

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A multiple stabbing has brought the life of Sir David Amess M.P.to an end,

The nation has lost a fine public servant and a much loved friend.

Our hearts are full of grief today,

A nicest person's life has been taken away.

An enormous animal lover and true gent,

Killed by a 25 year old with evil intent.

Stabbed at  a constituency surgery in a church at  Lea-on -Sea,

A dark...

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Dad burst into song when hanging the clothes on the line,

It definitely was not a favourite song of mine.

Dad asked,"did you like listening to me ?"

I replied,"You should have been on T.V."

Dad said,"Can't believe I was so good,what you said was nice." 

I said,"On T.V. I  could have pressed off on my device !!"

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A pair of statues in a park a foot apart,

Beautiful sculptures of a man and his sweetheart.

An angel passes and gives the female a chance to flaunt,

Feeling sorry for them he says, "I'll use my powers to let you do what you want."

The statues jump into the bushes and grunt and groan,

The male emerges from the bushes all alone.

"Where is your beautiful partner the angel said,...

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Beware ! A persistent forceful cough is going around,

Sounds like a goose honk coming from your hound.

Dogs catch kennel cough when inhaling bacteria into their respiratory tract,

Exposure to crowded ,poorly ventilated kennels,a catching fact.

A lack of protection from dust and cigarette smoke can bring it on,

Coughing ,sneezing and eye discharge  in 2 or 3 weeks ,hopefully wil...

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A spell in China my granddaughter enjoyed,

And then to  Sabden in lancashire was deployed.

Many happy years in school Morgan did fullfil,

Maturing in the country near Pendle Hill.

Then off to Paris Morgan did trot,

An university experience she has got.

A multitude of friends she has made,

On her way to achieving a successful grade.

Her future is bright and definit...

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Police arrived at the scene of an accident,

A man had crashed into a lorry full of cement.

Police believe the driver could be a hardened criminal called Don,

But he's done a runner and at present they  have nothing concrete to go on.

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A terrible Spring to come in 2022,

Gas prices to rise for me and you.

Many people will feel the strain,

Universal credit now down the drain.

Prices have already gone up in our supermarket stores,

Making it more expensive to buy plasters for our sores .

Coronavirus infections yesterday nearly forty grand.

Hope some positives on our future plates will land.

Tory par...

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We are blessed with a planet full of trees,

A towering gift of pleasure put there to please.

On my favourite walk trees abound,

Their roots  brilliantly spread around.

Their roots are our foundation,

A breath of fresh air for our nation.

Trees spread happiness all around,

Firmly embedded in the ground.

Leaves fluttering from an autumn tree,

Revealing branc...

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Hundreds of women die each year at the hands of men,

"We will not stop campaigning until we are safe agen !!"

From an early age spaces in boy's brains we  must  reserve,

Educating them to honour females and give them the respect they deserve.

Statistics show that over 200 women were murdered last year,

It is unacceptable that women walk around our streets in fear.

The govern...

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Five minutes from home Sabina Nessa walking in the dark,

Was savagely murdered by a complete stranger in a park.

Hidden under a pile of leaves discovered by a dog walker,

 Indiscriminately attacked  by an unknown  male stalker.

Women and girls deserve to feel safe at all times,

But are being subjected to an intensity of crimes.

Male violence is killing women and restricting ...

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Jane a prolific shopper loved to spend,

But sadly this had to come to an end.

Jane underwent plastic surgery and found it hard,

Her husband lost his job and cancelled her credit card.

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Jim went to the  doctor's,his problem was diarrhoea.

Doctor asked,"Any previous problems with your rear?"

"No doctor I exercise every day and I'm really fit.

Oh I did have a problem once ,at school,I couldn't spell it."

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"Doctor, my wooden leg keeps giving me a terrible pain,

It's really bad it's driving me insane ! "

"Don't be silly a wooden leg can't possibly give you pain."

"It can doctor,my wife keeps hitting me with it again and again !!

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When Jim  married Claire ,she was blonde,

But something happened which broke the bond.

"Your hair colour has changed Claire ,it was brown,

I feel as if you have disappointedly let me down !

Now I am married to a girl with dark brown hair,

I'm going to sue you for a BLEACH of promise Claire !!"

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To walk 7000 steps a day is my intent,

Cuts my risk of dying by 70 percent.

Plans for walking the equivalent of 3 miles a day I have made.

Making it much less likely to die in the next decade.

Taking more than 10000 steps a day did not result in a further risk of dying.

So keeping to a sensible step rate I am constantly trying.

I sometimes think about my sedentary peers,

...

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A saturday spectacular,the biggest for some time,

Prompted me to watch and put pen to rhyme.

Raducanu and Fernandez in the final were to meet,

The 18 and 19 year old served up a treat.

Canadian born  of Chineese and Romanian decent,

In pursuit of a £1.8 million prize Raducanu went.

Ranked at 150 entering the U.S. Open she did go,

Unearthing a deep talent the world di...

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Doctors on a hundred grand a year,

Are being stretched beyond endurance I fear.

A problem lies ahead for the N.H.S.

A third of G.P. 's will quit due to stress.

Verbal abuse due to frustration is the norm,

Being unable to get a face to face appointment will create a storm.

The number of fully qualified G.P's is falling,

A 50% face to face consultation to many  is appalling...

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Positive views on assisted dying is at a high,

A majority of doctors believe we should help the terminally ill to die.

Currently all forms of assisted dying in the U.K. is  a NO.

But a bill through Parliament permitting doctors to kill is soon to go !!!!

Some say there is nothing positive about agony.

But fighting the pain and surviving seems okay to me.

14 percent of suicid...

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Patterdale Worship

Speed, stamina, bravery, comaraderie and strength,

And for me a human, Olly will go to any length.

A tough  and sturdy terrier without a flaw,

Smart, strong and  loyal with a powerful jaw.

Energetic, courageous, devoted and fast,

Happy, grateful, obedient, long may he last.

Loves running off the lead to sniff, excrete and play,

Exercising with O...

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As around Manchester I did mope,

I was handed a leaflet which brought me hope.

My mountain bike was stollen in Padiham  last July,

Securely chained up in Tesco,I did cry.

A claude butler cape wrath in black,

Please God help me get it back.

How precious oh Lord is your love,

Please help me find it from above.

I find protection under the shadow of your wings,

Joy to m...

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A farmer's wife sent a letter to school which said,

"Please excuse my son from school,as his father is ill and the pig has to be fed."

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"You should have been here at 9 o'clock !"

"Oh no, have I missed anything ?"said Jock.

"I went to the hospital with my friend Paul,

He sprained his ankle after a fall."

"Your lying again I don't think it's true,

It's a lame excuse I don't believe you !

You have been neglecting your appearance things look bleak..

You haven't appeared in school all week !!"

"I look ...

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Moving from my house to a flat,

No dogs allowed but can have a cat.

I put an ad in the paper ,"Bulldog for sale.

Will eat anything.Very fond of children .Male."

No response to the advert as yet,

Would appreciate any advice I do get .

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A teacher leaving her class,

Said,"Tomorrow is going to be my last."

"Will you be disappointed "?she said to Ray.

"Yes,"said Ray,"I thought you were leaving  today."

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Nail salons,hair salons and waxing centres are bare,

Things are getting really ugly out there.

I got the covid jab in my left arm yesterday,

Can't shut up about it,a covid side effect which won''t go away.

I was told a coronavirus joke by my friend Kit,

But it took three weeks for me to get it.

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An old man who was dying asked his wife,

"Do you mind sitting next to my sister at the end of my life?"

His wife who couldn't stand his sister,said"Okay,

But I hope you realise,it will definitely spoil my day !"

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Jane had just bought an amazing hearing aid,'twas the size of a pea.

"It's amazing,it will make such a difference to me."

"Was it very expensive?"asked her husband Jock.

"It fits neatly into my ear,It's nearly three o' clock."

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Fred told Jim he hadn't spoken to his wife for days.

Jim says to Fred,"To discuss the problem sometimes pays.

How did the problem initially errupt?"

"When she spoke I just didn't like to interrupt !"

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"Wonder Woman come here !"

"Why did you call me Wonder Woman my dear?"

"From the moment I said I do,

I wondered why I married you !"

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Jake hadn't played golf for many weeks,

A hole in one he desperately seeks.

"Dad,why are you wearing two pairs of trousers ?"asks his son.

"Just in case,"dad answered,"I get a hole in one."

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Kit went to the doctor's for some relief,

"I have a problem doctor I've become a thief !"

"That's quite serious,you could get arrested Kit ,

One question,have you taken anything for it ?"

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Jake visits his dentist with toothache,

Dentist says,"This could be painful Jake !"

"That's okay I've dealt with plenty of pain in my life."

Dentist says,"I've been having an affair with your wife."

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Noris wanted to be a politician from day one,

For a seat on the local council he did run.

He always believed in love at first sight,

As he looked in the mirror at night.

But the mirror developed a crack and Noris a Labour supporter never won.

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Jim went to the doctor's re something he was worried about.

"Doctor ,these measles are worrying me can you sort them out?"

"This is a private practice you'll have to give me some cash,

But I can't guarantee a cure,I never make promises that are rash."

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Dirk was havting a problem with diarrhoea at work,

Going to the loo every 40 mins was a worry for Dirk.

A doctor asked ,"Have you had any problems with diarrhoea in the past?"

"Only once when  at school and to spell it I was asked ."

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Police are investigating a number of dog thefts in Leeds,

And they are ,thankfully, following a number of leads

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There was a young man from Arnside,

Who fell down a sewer and died.

He was followed by his sister,

The sewer couldn't resist her.

And now they're  in heaven side by side.

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An elf knocked on the back door of a house,

Said,"I am so hungary I could eat a mouse."

"Go away,"said a lady,"I would never feed an elf !"

"It's all right" said the elf,"I can feed myself."

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Jane was looking for a partner and was six foot tall,

But every man she came across was too small.

But she had to give up ,good luck was not going her way,

"Better to have loved a short man than not to have loved a tall,"she did say.

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My wife was looking through a catalogue of expensive dresses,

"I want that dress !"she emphatically stresses.

It was really expensive even though on offer,

So I cut it out and handed  it to her.

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"My husband is going to leave me if I don't get rid of my dog, "said Jane.

"He said the attention I was giving the dog was driving him insane.

I didn't get jealous when he spent a lot of time at the gym !

I suppose for a while, when he leaves ,I will miss him."

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Jane was late for school again,

"Teacher said,"For being late you must refrain !"

"I sprained my ankle sir,I'm in pain !

"That's a really lame excuse Jane!!"

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"We were a family of eight,

Dad frequently came home late.

Every morning off to work dad would go,

He was a baker we definitely needed the dough.

Poverty was rampant in our house,

Food was scarce ,there was only one mouse.

 Scrambled egg mum would serve as round the table we would  sit,

One egg she would place leaving us all to scramble for it.

Unfortunately dad s...

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Two pigeons were flying over town,

Outside Greggs lots of treats they put down.

Full to the brim, much excreta they needed to dispel,

 At a car showroom they placed their deposits on the cars they did  sell.

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It was Fred's first day at work,

At the entrance his manager did lurk.

He handed Fred a large broom,

And said,"Welcome to the hotel, brush out every room."

"But I'm a graduate and to  do that wouldn't be the norm !"

"Then hand me the broom and I'll show you how to perform."

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An elderly millionaire falls in love with a young girl,

Decides to propose and buy her a ring with an expensive pearl.

"Do you think  if I tell her I'm fifty five she will say yes?"

"Best to tell her your eighty,your chances will be better I guess."

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Jill was on a diet and a stone had lost,

Needed a new dress asked what the material would cost.

Jill was slim and attractive,blue eyed and dark,,

"Only one kiss per yard,"smirked the young male clerk.

"That's fine I'll take ten yards,"said smiling Jill,

And got her 90 year old grandad to pay the bill.

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Jane and John have been married for thirty years,

Their  secret for a  happy marriage they reveal without any fears.

Twice a week they go out to eat,

Friends and family they both meet.

Jane goes out with them  on a Monday,

John goes out with them on a  Friday.

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Prince Philip the Duke of Edinburgh a hero of mine,

Passed away this week at the age of ninety nine.

He was Her Majesty's strength and stay,

Devastating to think he's passed away !

He was always at the heart of national life,

A star for our country and a support for his  wife.

The monarchy's champion always looking ahead,

Hardworking,as sharp as a pin,extremely well read.

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"Mummy,I love going to school,my teacher does inspire,

But mummy,the children are so cruel,they think you are a vampire !"

"A vampire I am definitely not,

Eat your soup before it will clot !"

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My dog I really like,

But he chases anybody on a bike.

So to avoid any future affray,

I've had to take his bike away.

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A neighbourhood is in shock,many have cried,

An 85 year old grandma mauled by two dogs  sadly died.

Two pitbull type animals got into her garden through a fence,

Dragged her along her garden,sadly there was no defence.

A heartbreaking tragedy ,the family are in pieces,

Both dogs have been destroyed ,police information releases.

My thoughts are with the family of a much loved...

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The rubbish men were just leaving my road,

I ran after them with more waste to load.

"Am I too late for the rubbish  ?"I asked the men,

"No jump right in,"answered one of them.

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My friend said she was going to cycle ten miles a day,

To lose the pounds and to feel better she did say.

She's done as she said and lost quite a lot,

Four weeks into her cycle,a text, 280 miles away I got.

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Jim took off his pullover he was getting really hot.

Out drinking with his mates,many comments he got.

"Jim how long have you been wearing that bra under your pullover ?"

"Ever since my wife found it on the back seat of my Range Rover."

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His teeth were like the stars above,

Clear, shiny and really bright.

And just like the stars above,

His teeth came out at night.

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A policeman arrested a man for going the wrong way round a roundabout.

"I don't know how driving round the wrong way came about !

Put  your spectacles on before you go !"

"I have contacts !"

"I don't care who you know ! "

A shipment of viagra went missing last week,

Two hardened criminals the police do seek.

Thieves have broken into a police station ,all the toilets ...

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Lenny a three year old,was in distress,he'd swallowed a penny,

Fortunately this sort of thing doesn't happen to many.

To alleviate  the little lad's  fear,

Dad pretended to pull a penny from  Lenny's ear

In a flash the penny was grabbed and swallowed by the lad,

Who delightfully demanded,"Do it again dad !"

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Kit was suffering a receding hair line,

Many men were balding things would be fine.

A long lost friend sent a comb as a gift  to Kit,

Kit sent a text of appreciation,"Thanks,I'll never part with it !"

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Jenny rang her mum in the middle of the night,

"Mum, Tom and I have had a fearful fight !"

"Jenny ,differences happen in all marriages to everybdy."

"But mum,I'm really worried,what am I going to do with his body ?"

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Joe went past an assylum where  the inmates did shout and scream,

Joe looked over the fence and heard them shouting , "sixteen,sixteen."

Suddenly a shower of milk from the assylum landed on Joe's head,

And the counting happily changed to ,"seventeen,seventeen,"instead.

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We Welsh are over the moon with our six nations win,

What an exciting run of play it has bin.!!!!!

Thankyou Scotland for beatng France,

For your last minute try ,with joy we did dance.

France kept our celebrations, a mystery on ice,

But in an empty French stadium our cake got covered in spice.

Diolch yn fawr iawn.

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Jim drained all the water out of his swimming pool,

His wife said,"Why are you doing that you fool ?"

"I'm doing it  on a whim,

I want to practise diving but I can't swim !"

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A captain was in a panic when his ship was about to sink,

"Women and children off first ," he did think.

"Why out of your brain that decision you did pull ?"

"When the men did jump",captain said, "the sharks would be full "

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Joe was addicted to drugs and with his friends did share,

Taking him on a temporary scenic route ,ending up nowhere.

Discipline as a child was light,to be SMACKED   was a might,

Well,but for one or two grams to get him to sleep at night.

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Don was a very mean man,

"Put your coat on ,I'm going out Ann ."

"Oh,"said Ann,"are you taking me out eating ?"

"No I'm going out for a drink and turning off the heating."

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"When I was brought up times were hard,

We had two chickens who laid eggs in our yard.

Mum put scrambled eggs on the table for us to eat,

We would  scramble to get them with our feet.

A boiled egg is hard to beat but easy to crack,

Devouring the scrambled,for the boiled we went back.

The walls of our terraced were so thin,

Peeling our onions,neighbours would cry when in.

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Sue was in church with her husband Jade,

He whispered,"A silent passing of wind I have just made,

What do you think I should do ?"

"Put a new battery in your hearing aid !"said Sue.

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Bernadette was Bill's old flame,

She had been his perfect dame.

Their relationship however came to an end,

Lighting fires became an addiction she couldn't end.

She frequently burnt the toast,

And letters that came through the post.

She set fire to all the bills she did get,

That's why she became known as "burn a debt ".

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Dog thefts are on the up,

More so if you have a pup.

Be weary of posting pictures of your pet online,

Tags which show where you live ,to dognappers  shine.

Avoid leaving your dog outside a shop alone,

More valuable to a thief than a mobile phone.

Easier to entice with a meaty treat,

The trauma of a dognap you don't want to meet

After drugs it's guns then pups,

...

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Kit was at ASDA with her sister.

Kit was a prolific shoplifter.

She had been caught before by security there,

On seeing her ,security on their cameras did stare.

Passing the biscuits she put a few in her bag,

And at the book section a book she did grab.

She was arrested on the way out,

She had been shoplifting without any doubt.

Afterwards to her doctor her sister...

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I bought a crocodile in a sale,

A bossy long tailed male.

He was expensive cost quite a lot,

Spent my money,all I'd got.

I took him home ,he had a nap,

Woke up suddenly and had a snap.

A burglar broke in and confronted my mum,

And ended up in my crocodile's tum.

Yum,yum,the burglar was his first feed,

To devour the burglar was his good deed.

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Violence against women must be cut out,

Punishment dispelled in schools when boys flout.

The crime starts at an early age,

When some boys, brutally savage girls in a rage.

Jealousy and bullying steps in,

When boys using  strength decide they must win.

Girls have been designed to be multitask,loving and lacking in muscle,

A minority of boys miss use their strength to win i...

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Jake to please his mum on mother's day did try,

"What would you like mum before you die ?"

"Some care and love before I pass away."

So he booked her into a care home next day.

The care and attention she got was just great,

Jake in his prison cell was a happy inmate.

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Constant cold calls can drive you insane,

I tell them ,"Can't speak to you now I'm flying my plane,

Give me your home number and I'll ring you back tonight."

They immediately hang up and like me  take flight.

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"I had reached my level of patience and had nothing more to give,

I was overwhelmed with problems and losing the will to live.

The problem of juggling work and schooling  kept stressing,

My three children going back to school was a blessing..

With  mounting stress ,I was losing my ability to cope,

Their return to school brought a future of relief and hope.

To meet their frie...

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Sid had a gleaming white smile,

Was out on a date with Abagile.

She asked,"Are they all your own teeth Sid?"

"They should be they cost me a thousand quid."

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Jack and Jill were to meet in Australia,

Jack sent a text,"Looking forward to meet ya."

Unfortunately the text went to the widow of a man who had just died.

Jack booked a room at a hotel and sent a second text from the other side. 

The poor woman hears a click on her phone and the message is read,

She screams and in shock drops dead !

The text mistakenly sent read," Looking ...

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The interview was televised on Women's Independence Day,

When Meghan and Harry had their say.

They spilled the beans in a jaw dropping interview,

Bombshell after bombshell we began to view.

Meghan just didn't want to live she did report,

She felt controlled,trapped without support.

Her mental health was way below the norm,

A wet and windy interview which started a storm.

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"My wife was incredible in every single way,

A different talent emerged every married day.

One night on coming home I'd lost our key,

"Don't worry,"she said,"leave it all up to me ."

She walked through the unopened door and picked up the post,

It was then I discovered I'd married a ghost !"

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A young woman asks her doctor to give her a kiss.

"That is definitely a no no,it would be against my code of practise."

"Oh please just one kiss," the young lady said.

"Certainly not ,"said the doctor,"we shouldn't even be in the same bed !"

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Jake runs up to a man on the street,

"Am I likely to see a policeman on the beat?"

"No you won't see any round here to be fair."

"Good hand me your wallet,put your hands in the air !"

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Joe was into dealing with cocaine,

The police were keen to arrest and detain.

But their pursuit came to a head,

Joe was found face down in a bowl of cornflakes dead.

Another criminal had passed away tied to a pillar,

The police are now searching for a cereal killer.

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Jane is totally distraught,

"My dog has been stollen the thieves must be caught!"

She puts an ad in the paper with a reward of 10,000 pound,

Given to any person if her dog is found.

The advert  appears for a full week,

No response,things  look bleak.

Jane asks to speak to the ad rep,"Sorry he is out."

Then asks to speak to his assistant,"Sorry she is out."

"Is there no...

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Joe worked in a factory operating an upholestery machine,

One day he fell into the machine,paramedics rushed to the scene.

Fortunately the machine stopped,how they didn't know.

And to the amazement of everyone ,Joe's fully recovered now.

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Jill went to the dentist and got a big bill, 

"That's three times what you normally charge !"said Jill.

"Yes it was three times more than normal to be fair,

But you screamed so loud you gave two patients a scare.

They both ran away to avoid an extraction,

To charge three times more I had to take action."

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My daughter was looking through a catalogue and saw an expensive coat,

On the page she wantingly   did gloat.

"I must have that,I just love the fur."

So I cut it out and gave it to her.

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He saw her giving him the once over,

She looked at him once,it was all over.

She said she was seeing another man,

Roy took her to the opticians in his van.

"I don't know what went wrong between me and her,

Or "Tubby "as I often lovingly did refer."

Roy a recovering alchoholic went through hell,

She took the bottle opener with her as well.

It broke Roy's heart in t...

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Josh was in a supermarket shopping by himself,

Josh was very short couldn't reach a top shelf.

Jane was full of compassion loved helping people out,

She was tall and agile sorted Josh's shopping out.

Josh as a thankful gesture treated Jane to a meal,

Their love for one another both began to feel.

Jane  had hankerred for a man the same size as her,

But Jane was out of luck...

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Fred got told he'd won a million one day,

He asked his wife if she wanted new clothes to go away.

"No I want a divorce !"she said.

"No way,I don't want to spend that much !"said Fred.

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Jim was an alcoholic,to give up drinking there was not much hope.

Claire his wife was at her wits end could not cope.

She visited her doctor to be advised as to her best course,

Doctor said she could no longer  touch anything alcoholic,so she got a divorce.

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"To the wedding I was forcefully carried,

By my husband, to be unhappily married.

Where the longest sentence was passed by you.

When you looked into my eyes and I said,"I do."

I could do anything I wanted before I met him,

Take my dog for a walk,spend time at the gym.

My husband's temper was like living next to a storm,

It went on for so long it became the norm.

T...

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"Can my mother come down for the weekend?"said Eddie's other half.

"Please,please Eddie ,I beg of you on her behalf!"

"Why should she come down ?"asked Eddie.

"Well she's been up in the attic for a week already !"

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"I must admit I have my faults like all men,

But being wrong isn't one of them.

I was once asked if I had learnt from my mistakes in life,

What mistakes?The positives in my brain run rife.

I've loved life I was always a brilliant narrator,

I was a self made man who loved my creator.

Life for me has been a delightful dance,

To love myself has been a life long romance.

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"While in hospital delivering a baby from my tum,

At home my boyfriend packed his case and ran away with my mum.

The randy gran of eight ran away with my mate,

To live in a flat in Margate.

My mum should have fallen in love with my new arrival,

Instead she ran away with HIM for a sexual revival !

My mum promised to help me with my childcare,

But sadly she is no longer the...

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Roy loved animals,was a compassionate young lad,

But his dad wouldn't let him have one ,quite sad.

He yearned for a kitten,thought one would be fun,

But his dad definitely wouldn't let him have one.

One day on a walk with his dad,Roy saw a horse in a field,

"Please dad may I have a horse?"he knew his dad wouldn't yield.

"No Roy that would be to big for our house."

Dad gav...

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George was made redundant due to to the pandemic.

But there were not many jobs available  for an academic.

He took up a job as a door to door salesman selling a hearing aid,

On a commision only basis he would be paid.

Unfortunately he is not doing the job anymore,

Prospective customers couldn't hear  him when he knocked on their door.

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Jim was at the supermarket and did a good deed,

A little old lady in front of him was in need.

Her credit card was declined at the check out,

To put back her purchases,Jim helped out.

Her trolley was full to the brim,

But put back on the shelves  by Jim.

The old lady sat and sobbed outside on a seat,

But good fortune from a food bank worker she was to meet.

The food ba...

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Ray says to Kay,"I hope you have a date for Valentine's day !"

"Yes February the 14th,"Kay says to Ray.

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A monster was worried about going to the dentist,he had toothache.

His mum said,"Don't be such a whimp for God sake ,

Get the offending tooth taken out I insist !"

He  went ,it was an appointment he wouldn't have missed.

Monster was overjoyed and was looking forward to  a treat,

With his tooth taken out,the dentist he did eat.

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Emilly and Fred had just got wed,

"Let's honeymoon in Southport ,"said Fred.

On the way Fred put his hand on Emilly's knee,

"We're wed now ,we can go further,"said Emilly.

"That's great my love,here we go ! "said Fred,

And they honeymooned in Glasgow instead.

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I was brought up in Scotland was one of the boys,

Learnt to play the bagpipes,didn't like the noise.

Went for long walks ,left behind what I played.

My audience were left disappointed and dismayed !

I gave up my bagpipes and joined a choir,

To sing to a congregation  had always  been my desire.

I sang to my congregation in Kilmarnock on Sunday,

To change their religion,th...

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Seven brothers were visiting their elderly aunt who was in care,

The nurse entered the room,she had sad news to bear.

"I am soo sorry there is not much hope for your aunt,

She is seriously in need of a brain transplant.

The good news is that the operation would be free,

But for the actual brain there is a fee.

The cost of a man's brain is 5000 quid,

The female brain 500,flown ...

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When winter comes I dread the rain,

Finding shelter and staying dry's such a pain.

I dread the dark clouds in the sky,

It's such a trauma getting dry

Pneumonia and tuberculosis I dread to meet,

The main killers of us who live on the street.

I search for hot air vents to dry out,

My socks are soaking ,hear me shout.

Trench foot ,due to damp footwear, we homeless su...

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Her son to a supermarket had left,

What happened next left a mother bereft.

After her son had not arrived home,she tried to contact him,

The police arrived at her door,the news was grim.

He had died ,stabbed with another lad,

No gang related connections neither lad had.

One highly educated with an university degree,

The other in intensive care fighting to be free.

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People as they age have different views,

Some smoke and drink and their bodies abuse.

Some don't exercise and get much fatter,

Early on in  life their ashes families scatter.

Some put on weight and have trouble tying their laces,

When their broad minds and narrow waists change places.

Age is a battle of mind over matter,

If you don't mind ,it doesn't matter.

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It took 6 kids 6 hours  to eat all the apples on a tree,

How long would it take 3 kids,please tell me ?

Well,the 3 kids thought they would have a ball,

But were disappointed,

The 6 kids had already eaten them all.

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Jake loved going out drinking with his mates,

But some of the silly things he did while out,he hates.

Into a restaurant one night they went for a bite,

Rubbing ketchup into his eyes he did regret,with Heinz sight.

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Lockdown has been a tough time for everyone,

But horse owners are not having much fun.

Extra walkers out and about,

Feeling the need  to feed a horse that's out.

When you see one looking at you in a field,

Don't let your animal compassion yield.

They may look at you as if in need,

But please please,don't feed.

Equine metabolic syndrome horse owners dread,

Feedi...

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You were outstanding in every single way,

Your loving smile brightened up our day.

You brought us together when our lives were rotten,

Captain Sir Tom Moore,you will never be forgotten.

You injected us with hope and optimism in difficult times,

A light has gone out in the world ,but in our memory shines.

A hero who inspired us in despair,

A life well lived ,for us you wer...

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"Cold tired and distressed they did wait,

Shivering outside  in the cold for their jab fate.

My 74 year old husband waited two hours for his prize,

He was frozen and shaking with tears in his eyes.

Some were in wheelchairs waiting in the freezing cold,

Not a healthy situation for a 70 to 80 year old.

The vaccination service in the Cathedral has been set up at a pace,

The ...

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