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Over Our Granny’s Dead Body

Now, don’t get me wrong…we loved our old Granny

And we cherished her when she was here

But she pegged it.. with no life insurance

Ans the cost of a funeral’s so dear

Dad searched her house to find her stash

Cos e’d often heard it said

That she kept a wad of money

In a pot under her bed

Well he did find a pot stashed under her b...

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The Thirty Six Hour Erection

As I perused the Grimstone Echo

In the classified ads section

One advert really caught my eye

For a thirty six hour erection

Bouncy Castle Bill had branched out a bit

And did other things on the side

Including the thing in the advert

For a huge inflatable slide

For the princely sum of thirty five quid

He’d bring the thing on site

...

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He was the man who had five todgers

But struggled to find love

He couldn't find a condom

To fit him like a glove 

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I've always been a bit of a dandy
A popinjay...... A fop
A fashionista in my own mind
A coxcomb from bottom to top

And I've always been a bit of a poseur
But now that I'm close to drawing my pension
I had to up the ante a bit
In order to get the attention

I had diamontes on mi shoes
And a bright pink Panama hat on
Paired with the shortest of shorty short shorts
And a shirt with a ...

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The Rocky Horror Picture Show

The Rocky Horror Picture show

Where blokes dress up in drag

Audience participation

Not really my bag

But I liked the thought of dressing up

So thought I’d give it a go

And no excuses needed, at

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

I searched the house…for feminine garb

Like basques, fishnets, suspenders

Or anything to...

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Armadillo…… Draught British Sherry

It pissed it down that bitter cold night

Rain bounced off the roofs with a din

Dad looked out the window forlornly….. and said

I think I’d best have a night in

It was rare for mi dad… not to go out

And he made our lives hell.. when he din’t

But it wasn’t the weather…. that made him stop in

It was more to the fact…… he was skint...

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A Hard Frost

I thought that winter was over

What with bulbs pushing through in the garden

And I thought that we’d seen the last of the frost

But I woke up today to a hard ‘un

Just when I thought that spring had sprung

Winter comes back without warning

Just when I thought that the frost was all done

I woke to a hard ‘un this morning

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Don’t gi’ mi Dad a mid-week sub

He’ll piss it against a wall

Hang on… t’ya dosh till the job is done

Then you can gi’ ‘im it all

Don’t gi’ mi Dad a mid-week sub

NO…. wait till the job is over

If he’s brass in ‘is pocket…. ‘e wain’t come back

Leastways…. He wain’t come back sober

He’s fast-and-rough..... wi’out a drink

But He loses his speed…. after beers

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Our Dad’s Battle with the booze

An Englishman’s home is his castle

A platitude, most of us know

But, if our home was a castle

It’s one where you wouldn’t want to go

There were nowt castle-like about our house

Except for walls, that were covered in mould

And archaic windows, with hardly no glass

Which could scarcely keep out the cold

But still….. t...

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Army, Factory or Pit   (Villanelle)

A corrupt careers master, who thought he was it

To a lad, just fourteen and naïve

Said your options are, Army, Factory or Pit

A master of nothing, who knew Jack Shit

The innocent will always believe

A corrupt careers master, who thought he was it

High on praise, acclaim and plaudit

In a position of trust to aggrieve

Sai...

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Saint Rigobert’s Graveyard (Grimstone Low)

It’s hard to imagine Saint rigobert’s graveyard

If you don’t come from Grimstone Low

It’s a glorious site overlooking the village

With views of the cesspits below

As you meander up Dead Donkey meadow

On the footpath from Lynch Mob’s Birch

You arrive at a quaint little lychgate

The back entrance into the church

Th...

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   UBIQUE    

In the local British Legion

In a little backroom bar

Sat four ex-squaddies….. Cap badge proud

As squaddies always are

Long since retired

Old codgers all, this geriatric four

A Sapper, a Guardsman, a Para, a Marine

And each proud of his corps

Talk turned to battle honours

The history of the Guards

Where they’d been, and what...

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I wouldn't mind

But I only nipped out to get a bone for mi dog.

And the butcher's is just round the corner

Five minutes

That's all I was gone for

Five minutes

EARTH TIME

Bloody aliens

I mean

If they'd have only invited me to have a look around their spaceship I'd have been only too pleased.

I quite liked it if truth be known

Except for the probing

All that blood...

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The Queen’s garden party (Granny Slugshaw)

It was the garden party, at Buckingham Palace

The one the Queen doesn’t enjoy

Where she meets and greets the common folk

To mix with the hoi palloi

And Granny slugshaw had wangled an invite

For the prison reform work she’d done

Cos she’d taken a prisoner into her home

Albeit…. her very own son

So she togged hers...

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Traffic lights

Green

My eyes are wide open

And all I see is green

Emerald and jade

My dad has chucked me into the bricky pond

And I sink like a stone

The water is a soup of duckweed

Tainted with dead and rotting dogs

Un-wanted pets drowned by callous owners

“It’s character buildin’”

“Best way to learn how to swim”

And I accept my fate

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Beware the crooked billet

He’d passed his tests, he’d made the grade

He’d got his just rewards

First-class degree from Cambridge

His future was assured

He’d had his farewell party

And took a little glass

Maybe one too many

As was his trait alas

He’d had his farewell party

And drunk with gusto, and vim

He’d drank the Dean under t’table

And wiped th...

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The Grataerial

It was weeks since our aerial got blown off the roof

And the telly’d been knackered since then

I promise… I’ll fix it… mi father said

He just din’t promise us when

I’ll fix it he promised

When it’d been down a week

It’s the vertical hold

It just needs a tweak

I’ll get mi screwdriver

And stick it in here

And wiggle the screw

Till th...

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No note nor nowt

‘E come ‘ome

She were gone

And she’d tekken ‘er coat

What the hell’s

Goin’ on

There were no note nor nowt

There were no note nor nowt

No note nor nowt

‘E come ‘ome she were gone

Leaving no note nor nowt

Up the stairs

She weren’t there

And her wardrobe was bare

Not a stitch left to wear

Not a jumper or owt

Not a thon...

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The Long-nosed Short-Legged Terrier

When Darrel Slugshaw’s dog was a puppy

It was fluffy and cuddly and cute

But he fed it up, on beef drippin’ and tripe

So now it’s a monstrous brute

It was an upper Don-Valley black puddin’ hound

A local Yorkshire breed

Bred for their guile and their cunning

Agility, size, and their speed

Ten stone of muscle and sinew

...

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The HARUSPEX (Granny Slugshaw)

Granny Slugshaw used to read tealeaves

But now...   it’s sad to say

Everybody has teabags

TASSEOMANCY has had its day

She’d lost income… to new-fangled teabags

Be they square, round or pyramid

A fortune teller shudda seen it coming

Granny Slugshaw never did

She wracked her brain for a new source of income

She was sk...

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Mi Mam’s Take On Contraception

So

I was the second of seven kids

(All planned… or so I was told)

Mi Dad was an idle sod, and never worked

All his dole money went on himsen

Mi Mam did her best

But I must admit, we were a raggy-arsed crew

Wherever we went, we went en-masse

Usually with mi Mam leading from the front

And us kids following

Picture a moth...

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How To Choose A Good Plumber

How can you choose a good plumber

And trust that he’s up to the task

When his ratings are five star.. and glowing

But he can’t screw the lid on his flask

So you’ve checked his reviews on his website

And you see that the guy’s “level headed”

But you notice the flask.. in the top of his bag

And you see that the cup’s on cross-threaded

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Fred’s Little Problem       by KJ Walker

Fred had a little problem

It started with an itch

He’d worn through all his trousers

Cos he’s scratching like a bitch

So he sloped off to the doctors

Crestfallen, wracked with shame

The cause of his embarrassment?

His bum……. it felt aflame.

The quack said “stick your tongue out”

“I’ll look into your mou...

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Farra thin thot

Feera thin thet

What is it I'm trying to say

Fairer than thit

Feerer thon thet

Mi tongue's in a twister today

Firra thin thot

Firra thin thet

I'm talking like a twat

Farra thin thit

Farra thin thot

I can't say .....fairer than that

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 Coal Ash Maisey

Fingers gnarled like liquorice roots

Arthritic, bent and twisted.

Filthy blackened fingernails

Her crooked digits blistered

She stoops to rake the fire

An avalanche on the grate

Another burn on her pinafore

A sad, pathetic state

Consumed in ash from the hearth

A cloud both thick, and hazy

In her hair, and on her clothes

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Spelunking The Banana Caves

So we were going to be spelunkers

Speleologists

That’s potholers, in case you were wondering

There were three of us

Me, Sando and Lawley

Would be cave dwellers

Troglodytes

A trio of trogs

We saw this adventure as our initiation test

A coming of age, for three ten year old lads

Spelunking the banana caves

We’d got all the equ...

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To Ride Jock’s Bloody Bull

When you’re ten years old, and you’ve got a best mate

You’re a very lucky lad

And my best mate was Sando

The best mate a lad coulda had

We stuck together through thick and thin

Through hail and stormy weather

Through trials and tribulations

We’d faced the world together

And always it was just me and him

And I liked it…. Just h...

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Sylvie

Sylvie was a comely wench. Fifty, if a day

Oh yes, her charms were obvious, and always on display

Dressed to kill, in leather and lace

A shapely body, bonny face

Her hunting ground The Royal Oak

She’d always find a younger bloke

A teacher with a lack of scruples

Never short of willing pupils

Life was good, the sex was hot

She was happy with her ...

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The Old Rugged Cross

The heart of the Aviation bar was its jukebox

A Rock-Ola

Brand new when it was first installed

In 1953

It dominated the tiny grotty little bar

With its great flashing neons

Over the years it had had two updates

The first in 1968

A conversion

So it could play the new-fangled 7inch discs

All a bit modern for Flo

But she got used...

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Flo’s Domain

The Aviation Bar

A shithole

Unloved by the management

The dirty secret

Of a plush hotel complex

On the outskirts of town

Stuck in the nineteen forties

Leather barstools and oak panels

Cream quarry tiles adorned the floor

How much ale had they seen

Spilt and mopped up over the decades

This was Flo’s domain

Flo was well into her eighties

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A Game Of Pool (part 4)

Anyone else would have taken it as a compliment

When Fat-boy said

“Signs of a misspent youth”

But my dad didn’t see it as such

CRACK

He brought the cue down on Fat-boy’s head

Smashing the cue in half

And splitting Fat-boy’s head clean open

His reaction shocked everyone in the room

Even me

And I was used to his violent mood swi...

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A Game Of Pool (part 3)

My dad rearranged the balls in the triangle

After Fat-boy had just plonked ‘em in any-old-how

They didn’t toss to see who’d won the break

That honour was conceded to my dad

He chalked his cue up

Smearing blue chalk all over his forefingers and thumb

Then he scratched his nose

Accidently-on-purpose getting chalk all over his nose

Why he a...

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A Game Of Pool (part 2)

Whatever game it was, that the yokels were playing

It wasn’t a conventional game of pool

The black ball had long since gone down

And they just seemed to be smacking the balls around the table

Any old how

When a ball went down

Be it a spot or a stripe

They gave out a large cheer

When one missed

Or they ballsed up the shot

It was acc...

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A Game Of Pool (part 1)

“Two pints of Double Diamond and an orangeade for the lad”

It was an exciting time for a ten year old lad

The first time my dad had actually taken me into a pub

Usually I was left outside, sat on a beer crate

“Who’s the other pint for?” asked the barman

“It’s not for the young-un, is it?”

“No” said my dad, as he picked up the first pint

In ...

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A Race to The Bottom

The land of only blind men

Is a one-eyed man’s regime

But this is the land of the stupid

Where fuckwits reign supreme

It’s survival of the thickest

Evolution in reverse

Where scum floats to the surface

And deviants diverse

A hackneyed race to the bottom

Where you don’t get to choose

I’ll race you to the bottom

And may the best...

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The Grimstone Vampire

Granny’s Slugshaw was sat watchin’ t’telly

When something rattled her windowpane

She thought.. What the chuff is all that noise

It wasn’t forecasted to rain

So she got up and pulled her curtains back

And saw Vlad… just hanging there

Upside-down.. by his feet… like a bat

With his cloak, and his raven-black hair

“You soft...

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The Man Who Can See Behind Himsen

He was the man who can see behind himsen

The man who can see behind himsen

A skill he’d had since way back when

It comes in handy now and then

To be able to see behind thisen

He didn’t have to bend his neck

When looking back… in retrospect

Nor turn his head to gaze behind

As would the rest of all mankind

Cos…....

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The People I Never Have Met

It’s with regret

That as of yet

There’s people that

I’ve never met

I’ve never met an honest Tory

Who isn’t in it for the glory

If you’ve met one, then share his story

On second thoughts, you’d only bore me

My retrospect is circumspect

For people that I’ve never met

An aunt with cash up in the attic

A caravan t...

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The Red ‘Edded Spuggy

Come tek a look, it’s in my back yard

Maggie Slugshaw said

It looks just like a normal spuggy

Except for its ‘ed… which is red

It’s a red ‘edded spuggy, a red edded spuggy

They’ve never been spotted before

It’s the world’s first ever… red ‘edded spuggy

It’s unique…. There ain’t any more

So the twitchers flocked in from ...

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The Nodding Donkeys

You surround yourself with yes-men

Nodding donkeys

Dipping ducks

Extreme sycophants

Toadies

Who take their pleasures from licking boots

It’s a wonder they don’t crick their necks

With all that nodding

You offer the crumbs from your table

But for the special ones

The nodding donkeys

A soupçon more  

And th...

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You Just Can’t Polish a Turd

You can get your tan

From the spray-tan man

Known as Creosote Rod

He’ll rack up in his van

With his aerosol can

And spray you, like a bronzed god   

In paper kecks

And plastic goggles

A process most absurd

It’s not complex

The mind just boggles

You just can’t polish a turd

A Rottweiler in make-up

Is still th...

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The Walrus-man’s Tooth

“Can thy ‘elp us Cocker?”

I looked up to see a stranger

Someone I’d never met before

Looking more like a walrus than a man

A pear-shaped man-mountain

And with a long drooping ‘tache

His wet sorrowful eyes pleading

“Can thy ‘elp us Cocker?”

“Why, what’s up?” I asked

“Toothache”

“Toothache?”

“Aye.. Friggin’ toothache”

“Blee...

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Hit The Biggest First

Hit the biggest first

It’s become the family mantra

Passed down through the generations

My dad said it to me

And I said it to my kids

Whenever you’re confronted by more than one person

Hit the biggest first

I don’t even know how I got here

Out in the street

In front of my own house

Split lip

Buttons torn from my shi...

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The Ingrates

Put yourself in my shoes

Try to imagine being me

Always right

Knowing that every decision I ever made

Was for the good of my family

But they were too stupid

Or ignorant to see it

Ok

So I’d been in the pub all day

But not drinking

Well… drinking, but not for pleasure

I was looking for work

If I didn’t go to the places where the...

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The Devil Came To Grimstone Low

Granny Slugshaw was sat on her back doorstep

Plucking chickens… For next Sat’day’s tea

When who should turn up, but Old Nick himsen

He was after her soul… don’t you see

Ordinarily, when he’s on a mission like this

He’d appear in human form

And masquerade as an everyday man

To deceive and act as the norm

But Granny ...

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All His Geese Are Swans

All his geese are swans

I said all his geese are swans

If I’ve been to Tenerife

He’s been to Eleven…erife

So don’t even mention La Mans

Cos all his geese are swans

If I give it large

He’ll give it one bigger

Said his wife was a film-star

She looks like one…. Trigger

She wears Tiffany Earrings

And yellow zircons

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The Saga Of Cnut Slugshaw  

It was over a thousand years ago

In the year nine-seventy one

When a dragon-headed Viking ship

Came sailing up the Don

And at the helm was Ragnar Slugshaw

That infamous Viking brute

Who’d brought along his little brother

The lad they called Cnut

Cnut was quite an ‘andsome lad

But naïve, with an un-blooded sword

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