Devon Brock
Sun 30th Jun 2019 22:20
Sophie, I can only second Jason's comment. Regarding form and language, in my opinion, the short lines put the pauses is an all the right places, adding emphasis to each image as the poem builds. The words are visceral, immediate and startling in what they are conveying.
D
Comment is about Lump in my throat (blog)
Original item by Sophie
Yes Sophie,
that is indeed the word that i should have used (or a synonym). Upon reflection the word that I did use could be misconstrued.
Tommy
Comment is about Lump in my throat (blog)
Original item by Sophie
Devon Brock
Sun 30th Jun 2019 22:02
This is fantastic, Lisa. Of course I am always looking for the hidden things, so I became focused on "I did not have time to chase after it that day." Right there, in the heart of this beautiful scene of revelation - the world and its pressures disrupt your reverie - adding that hint of sadness to your poem.
D
Comment is about Pot of Gold (blog)
Original item by Lisa C Bassignani
Hi Tommy
Do you mean by 'restrained' to use those words more subtlety?
That is what I meant
Cheers
Comment is about Lump in my throat (blog)
Original item by Sophie
Well deserved Devon. I'm a moth to a candle with anything bird related. Open mic in the UK is rife (but in a good way) … usually massively supportive in my experience and you meet the most interesting folk.
Cheers JH : )
Comment is about The Poem of the Week is 'Migration on a Bad Day' by Devon Brock (article)
Original item by Stuart Buck
Sophie if by "languge feedback" you mean the usage of the particular words, why not try it with a more restrained usage of
wound
anger
sore
raw self-consious
feverish
dehydrated
shaking
and the other 15 or so descriptive terms. It would be, in effect simmilar but in reality a different piece.
Sophie I'm not advising you to 'replace' your original work but give another aspect to it.
I hope this post comes across as it is intended.
Tommy
Comment is about Lump in my throat (blog)
Original item by Sophie
Thank you Jason means a lot, and I could put in a more explicit line somewhere if it isn't clear without the added explanation! I always find it hard to find the balance between being too vague and poetic, and too crude and 'childish' almost x
Comment is about Lump in my throat (blog)
Original item by Sophie
Without explicitly knowing what it was about it would be hard hitting. With knowing what it's about, it's heartbreaking.
Incredibly strong but skillful use of language and I have to say, incredibly strong display of courage.
No critique would be adequate, or at least I don't think so. When something is written from the heart, like this, in the teeth of bitter experience, it's beyond critique.
But I will say this much, it's really touched me with its honesty.
J. x
Comment is about Lump in my throat (blog)
Original item by Sophie
You always seem to paint such a brilliant multi-coloured picture.
Nice one
Comment is about The roses of Al-Andalus (blog)
Original item by John E Marks
A now all too familiar town in many towns and Cities across the globe regardless of artistic allure or being sympathy with the environment or locality.
Comment is about An Act of Crime (blog)
Original item by Don Matthews
It certainly had me chortling
Comment is about Baa baa Black Sheep (a different rhyme) (blog)
Original item by Jennifer Malden
For me this is just another fine example of your poetry Adam
Nice one
Comment is about Shake On It (blog)
Original item by Adam Whitworth
Yep it takes more than a nap to make me feel like an entirely new person.
Nice one Robert
Comment is about asking (blog)
Original item by Robert C Gaulke
Alas technology is only ever great all the time it works.
Comment is about The Printer (blog)
Original item by d.knape
Right on the money - if you'll pardon the unintentional allusion!
Oldway Manor in Paignton, Devon was built by the Singer family
(of the sewing machine dynasty) and is now in the hands of the
local council who used it for its purposes &now seems
uncertain what to do with it and there is growing concern that this
fine building and grounds face an uncertain future - and we can guess what that means. In Torquay across the bay the stone
jetties that saw the tramp of the US 4th Army set off for the D-Day
landings - surely the greatest Invasion on behalf of liberty ever
undertaken - were not spared the idiocy of council decisions and
became victims of destructive planning "progress"...with a few
photos and plaques nearby to mark their existence.
P.S. Love the video used for this blog.
Comment is about An Act of Crime (blog)
Original item by Don Matthews
You'll have to get your printer
Firm within your grasp
You cannot let it whip you
Leave you panting, gasp
It's we who are the masters
(I need to think we are)
Just whip your little printer
Don't let it back ha ha
What's that? it's acting sick-like?
Prints a no-inked page?
Spits it out in anger
Grinds it's gears in rage
Did you remember to replace the cartridge? Silly boy ?
Comment is about The Printer (blog)
Original item by d.knape
Brian Blanchard
Sun 30th Jun 2019 14:50
The same question can be asked of those coming to the southern US border from Central and South America.
Comment is about NOT NECESSARILY (blog)
Original item by M.C. Newberry
I thought it too good for an original RP. Despite this I heard it long ago and was nice to hear it again.
Mary had a wristwatch
She lost it in the hay
She doesn't know what time it went
Or what time was the lay
This did cause Mary much concern
Imagine minus watch
Until she heard strange ticking sound
Coming from her crotch
(DM - permission to plagiarise ? )
Comment is about MARY (blog)
Original item by ray pool
What is out there is greater than any of us will ever know.
Another fine piece of thought provoking work Adam.
Comment is about Shake On It (blog)
Original item by Adam Whitworth
They just did the same to a whole block of buildings near me. So now instead of looking at the skyline when driving by, you get to look at 15 story apartments...
all in a row
Funniest thing (or saddest depending on how you see it).....I think half of them are empty because they are too expensive for the average person to live in!
Oh what a world
Comment is about An Act of Crime (blog)
Original item by Don Matthews
I heard this from a cabaret comic in the 70s, so it does have provenance even if it is plagiarism - try saying that when you're pissed.
Ray
Comment is about MARY (blog)
Original item by ray pool
Devon Brock
Sun 30th Jun 2019 12:02
Yes, let's agree to disagree. In the last 3 lines, you posit the notion that, at least in my mind, and quite rightly, that if science and religion melded ideas, each would be destroyed in their very foundations. Wonderful work.
D
Comment is about Shake On It (blog)
Original item by Adam Whitworth
Don,
A good clear and well expressed poem which is an example, if we need one, of what drives the world in this secular age.
Thanks fo this
Keith
Comment is about An Act of Crime (blog)
Original item by Don Matthews
Jennifer be careful
Nursery rhyming edgy stuff
Keith is on the tail of you
Keep safe, rhyme a la fluff....?
Comment is about Humpty Dumpty - a different rhyme (blog)
Original item by Jennifer Malden
You cannot exorcise
A nursery rhyme addict
They need their daily baa baa fix
No way it can be kicked
Sorry Jennifer......
Comment is about Baa baa Black Sheep (a different rhyme) (blog)
Original item by Jennifer Malden
Thanks Dorothy, Lisa and Devon for the likes, and Keith and Don for the comments. Keith- bit worried you have identified him!!!! Am I going to be sued by someone?
Jennifer
Comment is about Humpty Dumpty - a different rhyme (blog)
Original item by Jennifer Malden
Thanks Devon! Glad it was good for a laugh anyway.
Jennifer
Comment is about Baa baa Black Sheep (a different rhyme) (blog)
Original item by Jennifer Malden
Think I must be possessed by nursery rhymes!!!! Can someone exorcise me? Once I start I can't stop.
Jennifer
Comment is about Baa baa Black Sheep (a different rhyme) (blog)
Original item by Jennifer Malden
Devon Brock
Sun 30th Jun 2019 10:15
Seriously upped the ante with this one.
D
Comment is about Baa baa Black Sheep (a different rhyme) (blog)
Original item by Jennifer Malden
Devon Brock
Sun 30th Jun 2019 10:12
Devon Brock
Sun 30th Jun 2019 10:04
John, the many references to great poems woven seamlessly and without affectation. Great stuff.
D
Comment is about Subliminal (blog)
Original item by John E Marks
Excuse my whimsy comment Rob
This really did my noodle
Shit on sidewalk (clear as mud)
Rest? I had to Google
Off rhyme - I'm sure there's a lot more going on here I'm missing Robert. Too much for a simple rhymer.... ?
Comment is about Oh my filth (blog)
Original item by Robert C Gaulke
I'm pleased you were awake enough to read my comment 'yawn'.
(I thought 'zzzzzz' might be too complex). It's you my friend who was causing me to doze off by encouraging 'Sweet Dreams.' at the outset....what could I do?
You gotta admit it didn't have that comic spark to get me going (hence 'yawn') but we all need some serious stuff thrown in every now and again to bring us back to our senses hey?.....
Comment is about d.knape (poet profile)
Original item by d.knape
I like being told I am complex
Despite some confusion at times
I'd rather be complex than simple
I'd rather be a complex-type wine......
Comment is about SIMPLY COMPLEX (blog)
Original item by M.C. Newberry
This little boy blue
So named cos he wore
Shirts and bright breeches
Which colour blue bore
He often slept fast
Asleep in his hay
Dreamt combine harvesters
Appearing some day
Seeing potential
Silicon Valley he went
Designed his said harvester
Made gold with invent
(And started Silicon Valley Little Boy Blue Tech Ltd.(Haven't heard of this?) LBB now sailing round Mediterranean on private yacht. No longer sleeps on hay. Upgraded to bevy of girls....)
PS. I am intrigued when you let the mind wander of it's own free will where it takes you. Thanks Fish for the ignition spark. I had no idea where this would go or end up.
Comment is about Over the Hills and Far Away (blog)
Original item by afishamongmany
Thanks David. You have 'the seeing eye'. John
Comment is about Subliminal (blog)
Original item by John E Marks
The lines:
Oh Norma Jean you're still a star
Now in the sky away and far
are clever and add a touch of rhyme to the piece:.
Comment is about Norma Jean (blog)
Original item by Rick Varden
Sat 29th Jun 2019 23:29
yawn?
was the poem that boring?
Comment is about Don Matthews (poet profile)
Original item by Don Matthews
Sat 29th Jun 2019 23:28
Gee i hope it does not scare him.
wink.
but thanks for your comment and
thanks for reading the poem.
Comment is about Lisa C Bassignani (poet profile)
Original item by Lisa C Bassignani
Sat 29th Jun 2019 23:27
did not know you were French.
have some fries!
Comment is about M.C. Newberry (poet profile)
Original item by M.C. Newberry
Sat 29th Jun 2019 23:26
i write in simple terms-
real poems are too complicated!
?
Comment is about afishamongmany (poet profile)
Original item by afishamongmany
Sat 29th Jun 2019 23:25
to d. knape
thank you for your comment.
?
Comment is about I Dreamed That I Was Young Again (blog)
Original item by d.knape
Devon Brock
Sun 30th Jun 2019 22:30
Tommy, the interplay of broken homes (relationships) and broken spirit in this works to great effect. Using drink to prop up hopefulness and finding your own "broken bones" is a solid self-reflective trope. Also, the lack of bitterness toward the other(s) in this poem is refreshing.
D
Comment is about B rok e n Ma son r y (blog)
Original item by Tommy Carroll