ODE TO THE SOAPS 

By the Urban Poet 

A walk on the cobbles, a trip down the Arches

Diverted via Emmerdale before we got started

A pint in the Rovers, then in the Queen Vic

Got drunk in the Woolpack through drinking too quick. As characters go you couldn’t beat Seth or Amos, or Shadrach, but now they’re all dead. The Mitchell’s, Den Watts and Roly the dog. Just look for Kat if you fa...

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NEEDLES AND PINS

By the Urban Poet

Pine needles

  Fine needles 

      Sewing needles 

          Knitting needles

Hat pins

   Straight pins

     Ten pins

        And tie pins

Syringe needles 

   Thread needles 

       Record needles

           Haystack needles

Ear pins

   Nose pins

      Hair pins

         And rolling pins

My needles 

    You...

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MUSIC LOVERS

By the Urban Poet

Rock music

Pop music

Old music 

New music

    Classical music

Jazz music

Soul music

Sad music

     Punk bands

Glam bands

Garage bands

Brass bands

     Plastic Ono Band

Gastric bands

Elastic bands

Radio wave bands

       Metal bands

Grunge bands

New age bands

Brit pop bands

       Boy bands

Girl...

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LADY PENELOPE

By the Urban Poet

Thunderbirds are go!

I used to love that bloody show

Many years ago when I was a kid

Watching that programme was all I did

The main character was Jeff Tracy

But the one I liked was quite a bit racey

She had long blonde hair 

and deep blue eyes

So beautiful that I just used to cry

Every time she came on my TV screen

Even when ...

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Evelyn and Amelia were very important people

On guy Fawkes night they were responsible

for the fireworks, pumpkin cake and treacle

When bangers went off they got frightened

Its as if their sensitivity was heightened

by the loud bangs when they exploded

Into the dark night their naivety eroded 

Unlike their peers they had responsibilities even at such a very young age

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Glides through the streets sporting long black hair, it’s as if she’s travelled almost everywhere

Heads turn, people stepping out of the way

Not something you experience every day

Mystery girl, she’s in a whirl, she’s here,

she’s there, she’s gone.

Only she knows the ways of the world

and how to tell right from wrong.

An age old story since time began, the one about ...

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I wish that things were like they were before

When we pulled together with an open door

When people conversed face to face, even when dashing all over the place.

I wish that there were no mobile phones

Computers, tablets and flying drones

Like when we called round to see our friends

Or chatted to neighbours over the fence

We joined together when things got rough

A...

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Sit tight, keep quiet

keep still, no lights

No emotions, no tears

no rows, no fights

Avoid confrontations

in a tin pot shelter

As hearts are beating helter-skelter 

A belief in the mask

around necks to protect

but in reality a token

of advice misguided

and broken with instructions

to lessen the panic

amid all the destruction 

Blacked out, sirens ...

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When you’re a baby they want you

to grow, when you grow they want you

to show, the traits and habits of someone who’s good, and behaves in a way

that everyone should

   They want the best for you

The best for you, what’s best for you

you see, what’s good for them is right

for them, so it’s right for you and me

You start to walk and they want you to run

And learn t...

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Raw sounds of electrified emotion 

Driving an arrow straight at the heart

Of those who listen and observe the motion

of he with deep souled voice

A haunting yet so captivating a beat

Sets the tone again to dance hall feet

That try to emulate the quirky moves

Of a struggling genius in giants shoes

Bass lines throb with treble up high

With beats and rolls from sk...

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Shades of the North East past

dwarf the uninviting landscape,

in the form of charcoal clouds,

the consequence of industrial fallout

Those who once worked

the glass factory floors

ship yards and coal mines,

sit forlornly in terraced house rows

feeling void of self worth and purpose.

Where lives once filled with laughter,

at smutty workplace banter,

now lie...

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I’m Tony the Tortoise, how do you do?

I always go missing, but how about you?

My owners go crazy when I disappear

I’m Tony the tortoise and I like a glass of beer

I walk very slowly, that is no lie

Humans are always in a hurry

I don’t know why

What time I get to where, I want to be

I’m Tony the tortoise

And It doesn’t matter much to me

I sleep for half the y...

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Sugar Dumpling dozed as usual in the dark corner of the pantry, where some dried spaghetti acted as a gantry to a world of food.

He often wondered how and why he got his name and who could actually be to blame

for the fact he'd never been eaten.

However, SD wouldn't be beaten and asked himself was it his wrapping?, his long sell by date? or was it simply too late to end his days in the bl...

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In furthest Mumbo Jumbo land

Where dragons take you by the hand

and show you fiery pits of fear

that burn and scar blood sweat and tear

In Whatever, Forever, Never land

Where stoic figures stalk the night

to horrify, take great delight

Bringing, angst, pain, terror, and fright

The very thought of what they do

Is enough to shred the nerves of you

and me, and ...

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If Fairies knew what Elves knew

What would they become?

If Goblins sang like Fairies

Would they all sing along?

About stories, tales and fables

Bound in glossy books

With feasts laid out on tables

That command a second look

If Goblins did what Fairies do

Would enchantment be diminished?

The Elves may need to get involved

To ensure the work gets finished

The...

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Bright colours on pastel shades

Telling black and white stories

Of purple tinted jelly beans

And brown and greenish flora

Indigo banners are now unfurled 

Showing yellow violet and green

Rainbow trout with purple mouths

Swimming in a colourless stream

   Oh show me the colours of life

To see it's light and shade

Through God's own kaleidoscope 

Observing how t...

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Tell me you love me, tell me you care

Tell me I look good, my clothes, my hair

Tell me the truth but no more lies

Tell me the secrets shown in your eyes

Tell me a story, one that’s not true

Tell me it’s not about me and you

Tell me it’s finished, the affair you had

Tell me you’ll come back…

I’m really sad

From ‘100 More Reasons for Rhyme’

By ‘Rick Varden, 2023

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Each time those sparkling emeralds are observed a different story

unfolds before me

A tale of intrigue today perhaps

or mystery tomorrow?

Brow furled or unfurled, eyeliner or eye

shadow, to disguise truths.

There are days when the real personality peeps through eyes so beautiful

But on other occasions proffering sadness and sympathy, but without asking or giving indicatio...

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Since you’ve been gone

I’ve not written a single line

without thoughts of you in my head

It’s been hard to express my feelings

Since you’ve been gone

It’s been very strange

But also quite familiar

Returning to our memories

Since you’ve been gone

What has been the point?

The point seems to be

That I need to carry on

Since you’ve been gone

I need to carry on

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RISTORANTE Di CASSANDRA 

Dearest and talented Cassandra 

I remember your sister Alexandria

But never will I forget the day we met

When I fell in love with you

and your lasagne 

Italian cuisine is the absolute best

Sophisticated, with flavour

and loaded with zest

Pasta, pizza, calzones or risotto 

Italy e' fantastica is my brand new motto

            Since That...

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Maybe I’m mistaken but I think.she cares?

Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me?

Maybe I’m deluded?

Maybe I’m scared*

Well maybe, but I don’t think so

Maybe I’m mistaken but maybe she’s still hurting? Maybe my mind is working overtime?

Well perhaps, but I don’t think so

Maybe I am definitely deluded?

Well maybe I am, as I do feel old at times

Maybe there’s no m...

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You say you love me

So why do you hate me

For being everything

That’s not like you

You want me to change

My life, my friends

Estrange my family

Where will this end?

Will I still be allowed

to be me?

Or be controlled like

a gadget with a PCB?

I guess I know where

this is heading

My world is like water

and I’m just treading

Until I ...

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The object of my innermost desires

are neither abstract, theoretical, 

hypothetical, or borne out of delusion

No confusion exists in my thoughts at all

just Lady Desiree

At first sight, in a glint of morning light

I observed her flowing form, at which point

I think I was reborn, because my life became transformed for the better

Although I'd not had a tryst, I started

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What is more fascinating than the close study of the created being? 

In her own way she laughs and then scoffs

and scolds in tormenting fun to the point where she searches your own eyes and coyly tries to look for answers about you in response to your teasing nature.

Even though it's early days there is a soul searching feeling of her fascinating ways that will not leave me.

I am ...

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Did we ever stand a chance in a paper world

Where every fold, every tear really hurts

Creased and crumpled, a throw away line

Ripped and torn we limped over to mine

A tempestuous relationship, cruel and hard

We unravelled, fell apart, in my house of cards

A paper plane, an origami creation

Travelling light in a floating paper sensation

Tripping the light fantastic...

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So you wanted a relationship

With no strings attached

Well they say love is like a violin

So don’t expect to play me

 From ‘100 More Reasons for Rhyme’

By  ‘Rick Varden 2023

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Football can be loved or hated

It has caused wars and even executions

It also brings joy and passion to hundreds

of millions of people

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Stevie, Gary, Peter and me

Simon, Jude and John times three

Mike, Geoff, Dave and friends

Frank and Denis never did made amends

These are all me mates you see

At least that's what they pretended to be

The reality is that they gave me strife 

I'm convinced they all fancied me wife

Always planning, plotting, being prudent

Trying to cop off with university student...

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In slow stately ballroom style

she dances in triple time

A stylistically refined minuet

with her partner but not in step.

He being mesmerised

with her beguiling beauty

and electric personality

as the orchestra plays

in ambiguous tempo or so he says

Not tiring, Fanny looks to refresh

her performance by swapping

dance partners, and so I move swiftly in

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Dancing, prancing across the floor

I lap it up and want some more

The tempo increases as does the heat

We glide around gyrating to its beat

The music, famous in the sixties

Excites us, drives us, now it’s the remixes

I’m thinking why I like you the most

But somehow I just can’t get close

We talk, I listen, you seem mysterious

Either that or your cautious, more ...

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A reason to be part of you

Is knowing you are true

It’s better this way 

At least for today

I want to be with you

You know what I’m like

I know you so well

But only time will tell

Let’s face up to the change

Just rearrange

All things that seemed so strange

A house that’s built

On solid ground

Has no subsidence found 

But if you build a house on s...

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A very long time ago

you thought you were alive

Did everything you could

In order to survive

That may have meant

doing the right thing

Even wearing a wedding ring

You were very much in love

so it didn’t really matter

Securing a steady job

Earning more than a few bob

The usual things follow

Like children, responsibility

All the highs and lows of life

c...

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A beach, calm seas, blue sky

Seagulls gliding in the morning mist

Migrant starlings circle overhead in groups

As fish swim naively in the shallow waters

Early morning walkers tread the sand dunes

A circuit they’ve walked many times before

Health and fitness being top of their agenda’s 

No stiff sea breeze to deal with this new day

Volunteer litter pickers share fr...

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Another tribute most deserving

In keeping with a previous serving

Of insight, knowledge and understanding 

About various creatures and their standing

This time, the humble pig:

Yes your piggy may have gone to market

Or stayed at home for a change

But that was only in a nursery rhyme 

Just fiction in the main

For the pig is a thing of great beauty

Although ma...

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To you oh amphibious one do I write

this tribute most deserving

To he who is either frog or toad,

depending on exactly what mode

A human being classifies your

mysterious and bulbous eyes

Depending on the shape or size

The scaly skin you wear like a mink coat 

You are the aristocracy of the moat

The pond or lake with green and slimy frill

Where your peers and serv...

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Storm clouds form and fall towards

the ocean spray, emitting salt to season

rocks of black and those of grey.

Glistening in partial sun, their shiny

slippery surface flatters to deceive

in a cool but strengthening autumn breeze

Howling winds are commonplace and profound

with nature having stories,

secrets and mysteries to reveal, but not conceal

about Far Beaco...

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Cool ripples of grey water

    with tints of azure and jade

      flowing freely like gazelles

         gliding through arid and sterile plain

Ironic descriptor

       but one that relates

             the mystery, unpredictability

                    and power

                        of the liquid of life and death

Streams and rivers

     soothing yet cruel

      ...

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I’m looking through my window

And what I can see I like

Golden brown leaves fallen

In the wind during the night

Autumn leaves

     Autumn breeze

        Autumn colours

            Autumn seas

Once summertime’s adjusted

Put our clocks back by an hour

It’s as if the sun has disappeared 

And been replaced by heavy showers

An extra hour in bed they sa...

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In my infancy I only remember darkness

The stillness, a damp and murky existence

Only very occasionally feeling any movement

It seemed that this was it…my life

The strangest thing was the feeling of growth;

slowly forming in the black wilderness

Seemingly taking up more room than usual

and a sensation of not being alone in here?

Time passed very slowly in the endl...

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Ehh it’s good to have Carers coming to the house,

there’re all sorts of things to talk about

Like how many times some old folk went out

Without anyone knowing their whereabouts

Then there’s discussions on all sorts of stuff

Like who’s not well, and having it rough

Them as have money, and them that’s skint

Those who are generous, and who’s a skinflint

The houses th...

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Have you heard the latest rumour

About the Vicar and his Wife?

They got stuck in the crypt

no one there to assist

And it changed their whole outlook on life

You see with no one there to help them

And Devine intervention not seen

The Vicar chose not to pray to God 

But sought solace in a few G and Ts

Have you heard the latest rumour

About my neighbour and his...

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I need to replace my phone

I need to replace my car

I need to replace my teeth

Or display them in a jar

I need to replace the batteries

In all my fancy gadgets

The things I do to fill my life

Make me look pretty tragic

I need to replace the locks

On all my doors and windows

Oh and on the drinks cabinet too

Where the whisky, rum and gin go

I need t...

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Money, money, isn’t funny

in a poor man’s world.

When your boric acid and lint, ‘skint’

You’ve not got any to compare to the many

who have a lot, yea the have’s and have nots

It’s always been this way they say

So deal with it in any which way, but how

Learn to say “how now brown cow”

Start to posh up, sip from your cup

or glass, don’t slurp, that’s crass

Tak...

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Trouble brewing

Mothers ruin

Gin and tonic

Supersonic

Filled with ice

Oh and a slice

of lemon in

and round the rim

to give it flavour

Just the one?

Do me a favour!

There’s pink gin

Orange gin

Elderflower too

Plum, vanilla, Rhubarb

To name but a few

Gordon’s, Greenall’s, Whitley Neil

Beefeater, Hendrick’s

Gin’s the real deal!

So when you go t...

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I've been lyin' in bed since half past three

Cos I've landed me self in't Infirmary 

I went and did summat daft you see 

And they're 'avin to operate on me knee

I wouldn't mind I only came in to see

Any doctor or nurse int' A and E

I ended up in a cubicle on a sort of bunk

And next to me was the obligatory drunk

She must've consumed a gallon of gin

Cos s...

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I work for the bank

I work for the council

I work for all HM government departments

I work for the Doctor

I work for the Utility companies

I work for the Dentist

I work for airlines and public transport

I work for Theatres and Cinemas

The list is never ending

I only used to have one employer

Hey I’m retired (or so I thought)

My day is one long slog on electron...

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The girls name was Clair

With a deathly stare

She could scare you half to death

If you tried to run she could use the sun

To burn you bloodshot red

She had special powers

That for hours and hours

she would use to full effect

She could see into the future

the ugliness and the beauty

And could read

your thoughts out loud

She could make you feel bad

Ex...

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Everything’s fake, everything’s plastic

Knees, hips, even knicker elastic

Most things are virtual, and we can’t see

A doctor or nurse at the A and E

Ring 111, speak to a clone

Seventeen hours on hold on your phone

Banking’s a nightmare, interest is gone

You’ll be lucky if you earn 1% on a ton

Many profiles on the internet are fake

Be very careful if you set up a dat...

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Bless me Father for I have sinned

I honestly didn’t intend not recycling my bins

All that glass got mixed in with the paper

I swear I was gonna sort through it all later

But I got distracted by that young lady

Oh and whilst it’s confession time,

I’ve been a bit shady

I told her I was single you see

When I invited her in for a cup of tea

I’m not sure she believed me ...

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Since you've been gone I just can't cope

Looking after this place is a flamin' joke

I miss your apple pie with a glass of gin

It's no picnic keep living out of a tin

   Can you hear me Mother?

Why did you have to up and die?

In all your life you never hurt a fly

It doesn't seem fair that you have gone

And did you know that Eileen woman

has taken up with your Ron?

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