(It is my ambition to write the greatest Christmas song ever. Not sure this would have made Christmas No 1 even if I had written it in time)

You all know Santa Claus

The saint each child adores

He brings the good ones gifts, does Pere Noel;

But I’m his kith and kin

I punish kids that sin;

I’m Krampus and I harvest souls for Hell.

And unlike brother Nick

Well, I br...

Read and leave comments (6)

Not that it’s a recognised event, of course, but I’m contemplating entering our Tuesday Pub Quiz Team for the 2020 Olympics.

Bear with me while I digress a little but at the 2012 London Olympics the Men’s 4 x 100m Relay Team was disqualified for dropping the baton, handing it over outside the transition area, running out of their lanes, mooning at the judges or some other infringement. Likewise...

Read and leave comments (0)

Yo hear me now; yo lissen hear

It’s time to wrap dis time o year

So all yo sisters an yong bloodz

Spread de word ararnd yo hudz

So trolleys up an baggies darn

An turn dat Burbry cap ararn

An wrap

Ye wrap

An all dem Aldiz an best dealz

Gimme what yo got fo realz

Scent fo sis, dem socks fo bro

An Advoca fo ma fo sho. Yo!

Check out yo knowin which is which

...

Read and leave comments (0)

(Hats Off, to all of you who opposed military intervention against al Assad in 2013.  John Kerry said we could not stand idly by "spectating slaughter".  But, congratulations. You did. May your God forgive you. A re-post from 2013.)

You passed a man in the street

He was beating his dog

The dog was cowed; its welts bled; its back broken

You said “Someone should do something”

And...

Read and leave comments (11)

(A re-post.  Because it's that time of year again when I am asked to perform a function for which I am the least suited person in the world to fulfill.  Stolen from me, of course, by that b*****d Presley)

As the snow flies -

Cos it’s Christmas here in Haddlesey

And Santa sits underneath his tree

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)

Eating warm mince pies.

And if there’s one ...

Read and leave comments (9)

I watched an old post on FaceBook of James O’Brien of LBC Radio today.  He was arguing as a prelude to his phone-in that, in the light of what has happened since, that if there was another referendum, the outcome would be overwhelmingly to stay.  Brexiters would take the view “I never knew this would happen”.

That:

Read and leave comments (11)

(A re-post from 2012, the 50th anniversary, but now apt again)

I’d never heard my mum or dad speak like that before

“Shut up!” they shouted as we played upon the kitchen floor

This photograph of memory will live for evermore.

An overbearing silence between us then ensues

Embarrassingly trodden on by the TV’s news

A charge of domesticity we kids feared to defuse.

Read and leave comments (10)

(An homage to that master comic lyricist, Benny Hill, and a revamp of one of his classics)

The crocus and the hostas raise your mother’s memory

I recall the vile old crow cos she looked like a horse to me

The cowslips bring back memories where they’re planted in the grass

The daft bat fell there; I said “That fat cow’s slipped on her arse”

We’d hide behind the cedar when I’d se...

Read and leave comments (3)

(There is not enough compassion in this world. A racing cert for Poem of the Month)

I saw her sobbing; down her face mascara made a mess;

I’m not the kind of man that walks away;

I asked her out of sympathy the cause of her distress;

She said her puppy’d died just yesterday.

She thought me a good listener, compassionate and wise

But you can’t contain grief once you lift the ...

Read and leave comments (2)

It was a shitty brown Triumph Dolomite so the moniker might seen apposite.  It wasn’t.  Shitty it might have been but flying it didn’t.

I had it for a couple of years in the 80’s having bought it second-hand.  Again, the phrase “second-hand” doesn’t really do it justice.  It was about as second-hand as Lilo Lil.

I enjoyed its company though albeit that it displayed all the proud workmanship ...

Read and leave comments (1)

While I was talking to my mate yesterday I mentioned that I was intending doing a marathon with my daughter for my 65th birthday.  Besides the satisfaction of having done it there would be the added benefit of getting fitter (or less fatter, at any rate) while I was training for it.

Then he said, “Don’t you fancy shagging 65 virgins instead?”

“What a cracking idea” I thought.  Of course, it ...

Read and leave comments (9)

(Apologies to Chuck and Buddy's "Brown Eyed Handsome Man")

They said he was a joker and he never stood a chance; a superficial also-ran

But the joke was on his knockers but they’re not laughing now at that Blond Comb-Over Man.

He’s gonna build a wall across the USA, all paid for by the Mexican

To keep out all the rapists and all the drug lords too says that Blond Comb-Over Man.

Read and leave comments (6)

(A Lost-Love poem about a girl I was in love with but never told some 40 years ago.  She left England to teach in China and is one of my true regrets)

You’re leaving for China tomorrow

A prospect I’m facing with dread

This scene will be such “sweet sorrow”

So much that I’ve left unsaid.

I’ve never told you I loved you

A cruel opportunity missed

It’s something belated I mu...

Read and leave comments (5)

Some years ago (about 18, as it happens) I was working on a contract at Fujitsu, near Newton Aycliffe.

We’d just finished for the day and three of us, Eric, Joe and myself, were stood at Reception sharing a bit of banter with the security guys.

“You must be raking it in, your blokes.” says Joe  “You were on last night, this morning and you’re on again now”.

“You’ve got to be joking” says ...

Read and leave comments (2)

(It's that Trick-or-Treat time of year again)

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards bloody cheating

Gave them sweeties, gave them money, gave them popcorn when they came

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards need a beating

I got dog doo on my doorknob, I got dog doo

Just the same.

Little Bastards took my money

Little Bastards thought i...

Read and leave comments (7)

I got unfriended yesterday

(A FaceBook thing, you know)

They didn’t like what I had wrote

And so I had to go.

My post was perhaps too radical

Or maybe too right-wing

It isn’t easy when folks take

Offence at everything.

Discussing stuff like adults,

I didn’t think I’d need

Prostrating acquiescence;

My “friend”, though, disagreed.

A funny thing is FaceBook, m...

Read and leave comments (2)

(He might be His Bobness, Nobel Prizewinner, to you but he's just plain lyrics-thief to me. A re-post to commemorate his theft of my masterpiece).

Hey, Mr Gabardine Man

Give a flash for me

I’m not prudish so let’s see what God’s bestowing you.

And hey, Mr Gabardine Man

Give a flash for me

Don’t hide your dingle-dangle organ

They’re not following you.

Outside the Barnsl...

Read and leave comments (13)

(I bet you didn't know this)

Penny Lane commemorates the town’s complicity

From the income it received from certain trade

And the fortune James Penny made

From shipping slaves

Across the waves.

Mr Penny at the Privy Council testified

His investigations left him satisfied

That only 1 in 12 slaves died

From leaving port

“Not bad” he’d snort.

Remember h...

Read and leave comments (5)

I’ve been getting in a hissy fit – I’m talking fiscally

About this tax avoidance thing that’s at the BBC,

With names that span Beeb 1 and 2 and Radio’s FiveLive

Who may have breached the rules concerning IR35;

And judging by the “tutting” of my fellow FaceBook chums

It seems that I am not alone in turning down my thumbs.

The thrust of allegations and these righteous Beeb attacks

Read and leave comments (4)

Michael died, in part at least, when he was 21

Michelle has had three birthdays now since Michael has been gone

She hides the Adam’s Apple that’s protruding from her throat

By wearing her pashmina and top-buttoning her coat

She’s raised her voice an octave and has mastered gentle talk

But cannot hide the strident clumsiness in Michael’s walk

Michael died, in part at least, when h...

Read and leave comments (6)

It’s Me.

And I’m not talking about spiritual fulfilment or happiness or inner peace or any of that tree-hugging stuff.  I’m talking about money.

I say this because I cannot think of a single material thing I want, let alone need.

But let me put this into some context for you.

Yes, I have my own house, a car, caravan, take holidays when I want etc.  But this is only a fraction of my “pr...

Read and leave comments (11)

(An original stolen from me by Al Jolson)

Sammy, Sammy.

They made for you the famous quote.

“He’s as bent as a nine-bob note”.

Sammy, Sammy

You’re no longer whiter than that Gandhi.

First, Big Sam

Was on the look-out for a quick bung

Now Big Sam

Is sorry that he’s ended up stung

Sammy, Sammy

You flew a thousand miles

To make a quick pile

My Sammy.

Read and leave comments (2)

(Just returned from another splendid holiday down there)

There’s few other places that I’d rather be

Than Milford, New Milton or Barton-on-Sea

On a warm sunny day as the wind gently lifts

The smell of the sea from the shore up the cliffs;

You might catch a glimpse of a buzzard or two

Spiralling thermally if no breezes blew,

Wheeling and mewing and quartering around

The...

Read and leave comments (13)

I’ve got Sunblest for my snap today

But if I protest I get it anyway;

I hear you say

“Why don’t you just get away?”

From Our Gert

I’m talkin’ ‘bout Our Gert.

When it’s cold outside she sends me out to play;

When it hot inside , it’s “Paint the passageway”

I hear you say

“You must honour and obey”

Our Gert

I’m talkin’ ‘bout Our Gert.

I had so much ...

Read and leave comments (7)

(In trouble again.  I wrote this a few days ago before his latest transgression)

I saw your picture in the papers a few weeks ago.  You made a pathetic sight, stumbling from a taxi in an open bathrobe with your privates in full view of the press hyenas; a trip to the store for a bottle.  You and the bottle – a marriage made in Hell.

I didn’t want to see this.

I wanted to see you “daf...

Read and leave comments (2)

She laughs.

Enthusiastically,

and a second or two too long.

she wears a top by Versace

And has Raybans on her head.

The man is older

and looks like money;

wants to look like money.

She looks at him

over her empty latte;

always at him.

he looks at the rest of us.

They are in love;

she with his money,

he with himself.

Read and leave comments (9)

(A re-post, but I dreamt about it again)

“Why don’t you leave your boots on?”

She said, as I walked through the door,

“There’s nothing to spoil in the kitchen;

There’s nothing to spoil on the floor”.

And later on in that evening

As I kissed her softly I said,

“Why don’t you leave your boots on?

There’s nothing to spoil on the bed”

Read and leave comments (4)

Oh Dear, What can the matter be?

All the passengers sat on the lavatory

So Jezza demonstrates class solidarity

Sitting like us the floor.

So not for Jezza a First Class upgrading

This ordinary bloke is out Party crusading

But, dear, oh dear, his halo starts fading

As soon as the filming’s been done.

Read and leave comments (10)

Stress.

Now there’s a generational thing.

I mean, whoever heard of stress 50 years ago? 

Perhaps they didn’t have the highly pressurised lives we lead today.

I’d look well telling my grandad that in Heaven.

“Oh, you did?” he’d say.  “Was it from the Bosch trying to shoot your bollocks off?”

No. Their generation and others before them ( and, come to think of it, today’s socie...

Read and leave comments (2)

(Some of you old 'uns need to be careful)

I used to work with Alec 30 years ago.

He was a camp little fucker; not gay, especially, but he said he helped them out if they were busy.  In the Navy they’d say that “He’d fuck an old bayonet wound”.

Anyway, he was telling us once about his dad.  He’d have been in his 80’s and in his last days Alec had gone visiting him everyday at his own ...

Read and leave comments (2)

(With an enormous nod to the original by the incomparable Flanders and Swann)

The nation has got in a hell of a state

Let’s get out of Europe and make Britain great

Let’s pull up the drawbridge and then start anew.

And blame it on Hollande and Merkel’s EU.

This European Union is quite a rum do

We English are much better off without you.

We’ve fought for the Belg...

Read and leave comments (14)

(Back by popular request, my mankini)

Look what they done to my thong, Ma

Look what they done to my thong, Ma

The posing pouch is very small, the waistband very long, Ma

Look what they done to my thong.

I can’t buy clothes off the shelves, Ma

I can’t buy clothes off the shelves, Ma

I need my basque in XOS and high heels in size 12, Ma

I can’t buy clothes off the s...

Read and leave comments (6)

Doctor, I’m in trouble. What can you do for me?

I’ve taken drugs but not for bugs since we’re CCCP.

It’s not the taking part but the winning; so my heart

It goes boom boody boom boody boom boody boom

It’s pounding from anxiety

Boom boody boom boody boom boody boom

Oh, fuck the IOC!

Doctor, I’m in trouble.  It seems the powers that be

Will take the stand the Mother...

Read and leave comments (4)

(Returned recently from Devon where they eat the bloody thing upside-down)

Can any treat make me a more content man

Than clotted cream, scone and blackcurrant jam?

At mid-afternoon on a fine English day

With a steaming hot teapot of Twinings Earl Grey.

Along with young women a Cornishman’s dream

Is spun round Free Kernow and fresh clotted cream;

He’ll hark back to days wh...

Read and leave comments (4)

Some sound advice I picked up on the Internet.

Have you ever been standing at a cash machine and been a little unnerved by someone standing behind you? Imagine how much more disconcerting it must be for a lone woman.

Next time you find yourself queueing behind a woman at the hole-in-the-wall show her that you pose no threat by quietly approaching her from behind and gently kissing her on the...

Read and leave comments (7)

(I've been to a Party and I've been to a Funeral but I've never before seen a Party going to a Funeral)

This is The Dance of the Socialists

The Moderates, the Activists;

This is The Dance of the Socialists that’s led by Jeremy Corbyn.

These are Jeremy’s activists,

The pacifists, the Trotskyists;

300,000 membership that venerate Jeremy Corbyn.

These are the Membe...

Read and leave comments (4)

Rattling Raina (for those of you with black and white sets it rhymes with “hyena”) was a bus driver.  She usually did the Selby-Donny run.

She was called “Rattling” not because of her energies in bed but because of the ride she gave on her bus.  At Blackpool Pleasure Beach it would have cost you 40 or 50 pence these days, I bet, for such a lively equivalent.

She drove 15 yards at a time...

Read and leave comments (4)

Among the several attractions

of Death,

one stands out for me.

 Eternity.

It should give me plenty of scope

to hide from Our Gert.

Read and leave comments (2)

(Just returned from holiday in Dorset.  I suspect you will have the wrong idea about "doggers")

A coach discharges youngsters who from college may have fled

All chattering and brightly clothed and by their tutor led

They come, it’s clear, from far and near

To study unique flora here

A true botanic biosphere is Hengistbury Head.

The tide’s inrush at Mudeford for centurie...

Read and leave comments (3)

Feel it’s all gone black since EU Brexit

Talk about the trouble I have seen

First that Tusk shows us the door that’s marked with “Exit”

They want us out; they want it quick and clean.

The spoils have gone to winners, Gove and Johnson

Each though wears a face like a smacked arse

Cos they’re hoist by their petard of claims so wanton

They’ve got no plan for Brexit.  What a f...

Read and leave comments (21)

(I think Boris's buffoon mask has well and truly slipped.  He has shown himself to be a proper self-server.  But it has backfired.  He never thought they would win and now I think he is shitting himself.)

Think of all the money we’ll save on those bureaucrat’s excess

With the millions saved from Brexit we shall fund the NHS

And for us

On our campaign bus

Spin like this will bri...

Read and leave comments (5)

(A re-post but always worth it for these occasions)

A professor of medicine from Chile

Is conducting research you'd think silly

His study comprises

Comparing the sizes

(I can see that you've guessed) of men's willies.

It seems the good Doctor's detected

Amongst the sample selected

That phalluses fall

Into “normal” or “small”

(That's under 2 inch when erected...

Read and leave comments (3)

Apropos my contribution that, at my time of life, dreams are a monopoly source of inspiration for my erotic poetry (see Graham Sherwood's discussion piece) I thought I would share last night's viewing.

it was unusual in that it displayed a recurrent lack of ambition and at the same time, enormous ambition.

As per normal I was getting my nob sucked but doing it was (wait for it).....

........

Read and leave comments (2)

I'm looking for the perfect match

(I've searched the world with vigour)

I seek a bird with tiny hands

To make my bone look bigger.

Read and leave comments (3)

(An homage to the great man; a re-post I did from 2014, the 40 year anniversary of The Rumble in the Jungle)

I watched a giant on the screen in terror and in awe

The man who’d battered Frazier, Norton and so many more

I was 22 years old in 1974.

“Ali’s lost his speed these days. He’ll kill him” they all said

Foreman had the muscle tone, his biceps big as thighs

He had t...

Read and leave comments (0)

In those days Roy was what was known in old money as, “Not Quite a Full Shilling”.  He was harmless enough but slow on the uptake.  These days we’d say he was “challenged” by something or other.

We bullied him mercilessly.  On one occasion I remember we stripped off his clothes and threw him into some nettles.  I also remember getting an erection at the time; I would have been about seven or ei...

Read and leave comments (2)

It’s occurred to me recently how enormously impressive is the range in design of corkscrews.

I managed for years with a conventional one; one-pieced with a T-bar, as I still have on my penknife.

But now I may choose between those with a collar and side-arms, those which lever on the bottle’s neck or even those which inject gas to pop the cork out.  There’s the Raymond Blanc, the rechargeable...

Read and leave comments (2)

Thankyou, Boys, for what you did;

You helped Old Coops donate 300 quid.

So Thankyou Graham, Ken and Stu,

And Thankyou Greg and Harry, MC too.

Six Old Gits who gave a toss

And gave a bob or two to The Red Cross.

Perhaps some village on some map

Will get its water now from out the tap.

Perhaps they bought within their price

A sack or two of precious grain or rice.

Perha...

Read and leave comments (5)

I thought that I'd wear this mankini

(You'll note that it covers my weanie)

I'll wear it because

It's for the Red Cross

So stump up and don't be a meanie.

Read and leave comments (12)

I’m abseiling, I’m abseiling

For the Red Cross charity

Thought I ought to, with my daughter

We’re abseiling

Her and me.

I would reckon the 22nd

Day of May I’ll poop my pants

Sweet St Peter!  80 metres!

Dangling down –

no second chance!

Seeking pledges for our wedgies

From a cable up the crotch

Seeking sponsors, so your responses

Are most welcome

...

Read and leave comments (10)

There, see what I’ve done?   I’ve made you think from the off that Les has a mink.  He doesn’t.  But he does have chickens, until he shared them with a mink.

No.  I’m wrong again; it was the mink who decided to share them with Les.  And, I have to say, the mink displayed no empathy with the principles of socialist egalitarianism.

Let me confess my loyalties in this have been divided over tim...

Read and leave comments (7)

When you see this old man looking grey-haired and wan

Be careful that you don’t misjudge me

As many folks do; for I once got a Blue -

A memory you’ll not begrudge me.

A real Oxford Blue and you’d be proud too

(I warned you that you might misjudge me)

At Oxford way back; I’d have got pink and black

If some bugger hadn’t have nudged me!

Read and leave comments (0)

I’ve watched the programmes on TV but it just smokraffles me;

Some say it’s time to turn about; some say we’re better In than Out

I’m in a flat spin I don’t know – Should we Stay or should we Go?

The Stayers warn us they’re afraid a vote to Leave will damage trade

The weight of this can’t be denied now Dave and Jezza’s on one side

And Barak too adds in his clout; he says we’re ...

Read and leave comments (15)

Ken says to us,

“Why all the fuss?

I don’t understand.

It’s hardly big news –

My thoughts on the Jews and

Their Promised Land.

I simply pointed out that Hitler wanted that too.”

How stupid of you;

You don’t have a clue;

Kenny.

It might have been dead and

All put to bed by

Bradford’s Naz Shah;

She offered MPs

Apologies

And blah blah-di-blah;

We a...

Read and leave comments (6)

(As a life-long Spurs fan I offer advance congratulations to Leicester City)

Let’s not grieve now, accept defeat but with good grace

But we’ll not drop the challenge still for second place

Arsenal are rapping at our door

City and United chase Top Four

We’ll build again next year we’ll start anew

But it’s all over now, Baby Blue.

We’ve played the game with beauty such...

Read and leave comments (4)

I’ve spent a few hours and several quid

On coffee and sweetmeats at this place in Brid

But apparently footfall and takings have slid

So I’m saddened to hear of it folding –

That Bridlington icon called Goldings.

I patronised Goldings for year after year

And always I opted for large cafetieres

Colombian? Kenyan? I didn’t really care

Though connoiseurs knew which was whi...

Read and leave comments (8)

(There's a court case currently over who wrote this.  They can both nanas.  I wrote it first)

There’s a lady out there

And she can’t climb the stairs

At her bedtime which is

Half past seven;

She was lured was Aunt Hannah

By the junkmail from Stannah

Into buying their Stairlift

To Heaven.

But she found it so slow

When she needed to go -

Half an hour on the...

Read and leave comments (3)

(There's been some discussion of this recently)

They’d done their introduction – the What, the Who, the Why,

They’d moved on to the poem itself then looked up to the sky

Adopting glazed expressions that poets all apply.

It makes the words seem worthy (it’s just one of our ploys)

Then start to speak with em-pha-sis (it shows poetic poise)

They don’t know that they’re doi...

Read and leave comments (6)

 Once a chap gets into his 60’s there are a few state benefits which start to kick in.  Not your Old Age Pension, of course; I’ll have to wait till I’m 65 for that (YOU YOUNG ‘UNS WON’T GET ONE AT ALL!).  I’m talking about your free bus pass, for example, winter fuel allowance and the one that I write about here – free Bowel Cancer Screening.

For the many of you unfamiliar with this progra...

Read and leave comments (14)

(A confession of a sexual preference and one I wrote a little while ago for the Malton Festival of Erotic Literature)

Pretty, painted, piggy toes Peep shyly through their shoe;

But, pretty lady, I must keep My secret stare from you.

So slyly with more subtlety, A better view to gain,

I turn to your reflection In the window pane.

This private peepshow I enjoy, New thoughts ...

Read and leave comments (0)

Drizzled over comrades dead,

For an Empire they have bled;

Each taste at last Falernian wine,

Treasure of the Pompeii vine;

Wetting cold and crusted lips

The nectar each man fears to sip;

The final feast before Charon

Rows them cross the Acheron;

Thracians, Dacians, men from Gaul

Nubians too – Romans all.

Read and leave comments (2)

(Forget Marriage Guidance Counselling)

There’s summat that a husband like me dreads

That they ought to warn a bloke of when he weds;

That’s the sound of Our Gert’s call

And her ominous footfall;

That’s why the Great Almighty gave us sheds.

Before my sheds I’d guarantee fine well

I’d get caught doing nowt and I’d cop hell;

I tried mirrors round the yard and

Trip...

Read and leave comments (8)

(A story stolen fron my brother-in-law, The Sage of Blyth)

Now I’ve retired I’ve adopted a routine whereby I get all my chores done first thing so the rest of the day’s my own.  This morning, for instance, I’d read-the-paper and had-the-shit so I settled into my shed in front of the log burner, put the coffee machine on and started thinking.

All sorts.

And every argument I had in my ...

Read and leave comments (4)

(The knowledge contained in this has been shamefully poached from Melvyn Bragg's excellent book.  Any errors are entirely mine.  It's good for us poety-type people to have an insight into the currency we use.)

It is an arresting thought that a language spoken by around 150,000 people some 1500 years ago has become the foremost language in the world. 

Of course, some prompts have been hi...

Read and leave comments (5)

(Saw this beauty yesterday on the NYMR. The whistle really does sound like an old kettle).

Steel and copper forged and cast

To bring to life a legend’s past

Snorting steam and smoke at last

A spirit now set free

The 60103.

Polished to a brilliant sheen

In LNER racing green

No finer loco has there been

Nor ever will be too

The 4472.

As he pulls from P...

Read and leave comments (8)

“They drive us to the sea. The sea drives us back. We are either slain or drowned.”  The Britons on the invading Anglo-Saxons.

It’s a mighty hard road where we carry our load

We’re darker in skin than the Ghost of Tom Joad

We flee from your war zones like rats in this hold

Your winter is hard and your welcome is cold.

We come from the Mahgreb, from Syria, Sudan

We bring...

Read and leave comments (10)

“Get up to Tesco” Our Gert said one day

“I need some detergent; my knickers are grey”.

With incentive like that I chose not to delay

Not least as she bravely inspects

The skid-marks inside of my kecks.

I consider myself today's modern man

(I share household duties where-ever I can)

But my grocery lists have usually ran

To brioche, and feta, fish chowder;

It's y...

Read and leave comments (2)

(A re-post but I'm justifying it in view of the Flying Scotsman' visit next week)

I hear the train guard’s whistle

The slamming of the doors

The fireman stokes the furnace

For the haul across the moors;

The driver lets some steam off

And sees the train guard’s flag

Then gets those big wheels turning

For the Goathland Drag.

You’re leaning from the window

As t...

Read and leave comments (8)

Beneath the roots of the Tree of Life,

The mythical Yggdrasil,

Live the Three Sisters of Fortune,

Three spinners sit weaving still.

Our fortunes favoured, fortunes damned,

Are spun to dusk from dawn,

The destinies of every man

Ordained before we’re born.

Spun threads of rope and threads of silk

And threads of finest gold;

With every one a path of life

Read and leave comments (16)

(You can see that I'm on to a winner)

I’ll tell you a true story and I think you’ll find it funny.

I’d gone into the bookies where I often part with money.

I fancied a quick flutter as occasionally I do

On the Referendum we’ll soon have on the EU.

Although I’ll vote for “STAY” myself, cos that’s what I believe

I rather think the stupid British will decide to leave.

And ha...

Read and leave comments (8)

(Boris bides his time to push for Leader of the Conservative Party by setting himself up against Dave and George as champion of the Euro-sceptic Right)

Who’s that biding in the wings?

Waiting for what fortune brings.

Rubbing hands for Cameron’s fall;

Mayor of Britain’s capital.

Boris the Bider

Boris the Bider

Blond hair all unruly spikes

Who’s the dipstick on...

Read and leave comments (5)

.(The 950th year anniversary.  A sad tale of end-of-season fixture congestion)

You’ve heard of the Battle of Hastings

Took place in 1066,

When ‘Arold the Brave of England

Fell for some Froggy’s cruel tricks

I refer to Norman the Conker

(Who’d conkered nowt up till then)

But pretended to run from the battle

Then turned and skewered our men.

Then Norman let ...

Read and leave comments (12)

Am                                                                     F

Distance shots or tap-ins from the six-yard box

Am                                                      F

He’s leading from the front as Spurs turn back the clocks

Am                                                      F

We’re heading for the title helped by Alli and Son

Am                                  ...

Read and leave comments (11)

I would rank in order of personal satisfaction

1.   The Ghostie

2.   The Clean Sweep

3.   The Greasy Rocket

Ecumenically speaking, if all three should coalesce you should lift up your heart to praise your God.

Read and leave comments (0)

Oh my name it is nothing; my vote it means less;

But I voted for Labour I have to confess;

But now I am cheering where once I’d deride

Our new national champion

Cos Dave’s on Our Side.

He’s gone into battle for me and for you

To joust with those blackguards they call the EU;

He carries our torches to burn far and wide;

Now Europe is trembling

With Dave on Our S...

Read and leave comments (9)

It is a matter of some pride to me that my best pal is my father-in-law.

He’s in his 80’s now and I have enjoyed his company for almost 40 years.  I’ve particularly enjoyed working with him on the thousand and one DIY projects we’ve undertaken – laying patios, cutting down trees, building a garden pond and making a landing stage, to name but a handful.

The phrase “working with him” doesn’t r...

Read and leave comments (2)

Sports Day at the primary school

The kids were 7 and 9;

They’d been at the school for 4 or 5 years -

It seemed such a very short time.

For dads there was the Blue Ribbon event

I always gave it a bash;

The ritual humiliation of

The 70 Metres Dash.

Now bear in mind that some of these dads

Were barely in their 20s,

While Muggins here had carried his bat

Read and leave comments (8)

My dad wasn’t a clever man but he told me when I was young that if you shared all the money in the country out equally, inside a fortnight half of it would be back where it started.  I couldn’t see it at the time but I’ve started to understand the kernel of truth it holds.

Consider if in the great divi-up you got the “Citizen’s Share” of £100,000, what would you do with it?

Well, there’s onl...

Read and leave comments (12)

Tuesday night at the G & D

Quiz and supper for 50p

Will we win?  We’ll have to see

When the marking’s done.

The team’s the same usually

Comprised of friends and family

All G & D devotees

We don’t half have some fun.

Besides myself there’s Phil and Glen

(We knock on questions 1 to 10)

Glen knows them all though later when

He has us all in stitches.

See, it’s...

Read and leave comments (8)

(A re-post of one I based on Bert Williams far superior music hall original of 1919.  Check it out on youtube).

I’d gone to Goose Fair with some of my mates

As panic arose in the queues

The punters were scattering all over the shop -

The tiger was on the loose.

“A ten shilling note for its capture”

The Keeper hollered and cried

“What do you say, sonny?” looking at me,

...

Read and leave comments (6)

(Worldwide fans will be aware that the Republican Party's emblem is the elephant.  Neat, eh?)

One dark day a Republican caucus came

And brought a belligerent elephant and Donald was his name;

Now today he’s plying his dirty tricks

Despite his never being ever schooled in politics.

Donald the Elephant spouts his junk

Which all sub-serves to his purpose

Off he rants

Read and leave comments (8)

(To some he may have been a creative genius: to me, though, he was just the bloke that stole my piece of lyrical artwork)

Pancake rolls for Table 1

I know they ordered duck but it’s all gone

If they ask you say the soup is just Won-Ton;

Don’t tell them where I get the chicken from

Who’d they think I am? that twat Ken Hom?

And tell them not to slop; that table cloth’s clean o...

Read and leave comments (8)

I always did like C&A if for this thing alone

The sales assistants let you be to try things on your own;

And so, without embarrassment, I’d try in no great haste

Several pairs of trousers in a 42” waist.

But sad to say the shop has closed – the end of this great store;

While BHS is going still our C&A’s no more;

My kids still see their lingerie – a label caught their glance;

T...

Read and leave comments (5)

(John 'The Hat' Keenan is a drug smuggler in our village.  He imported, without licence, illicit Indian Viagra.  Well, he says they were anyway; they didn't do much for me.  He susequently wrote a book about it).

Thizza bloke guz daarnar pub – eelbi probly scoffin grub

Wi the chipsy eats ill never bea leanun

Oniz edizis trilbys sat, so eez knownuz “John the At”

Weeiz motto, “Icn g...

Read and leave comments (4)