enjoyed this, Josh... lot of good material in this piece.. oddly enough i think the first stanza would stand by itself as a poem too, although i wouldn't be keen on removing it from the rest of the stanzas!
Comment is about High Tide (blog)
Original item by Joshua Van-Cook
very nice, cynthia.. really enjoyed this with a particularly strong ending... good one! x
Comment is about the little leaf (blog)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
really enjoyed this, ann..
possibly a few edits / cuts may need either be aware for example on the second line here:
' Like butterflies they flock upon the beach.
So many colours!'
In this case, you may not need so many colours as butterflies are by nature (to my colourblind eyes anyhow) colourful..
Either way, it's lovely.. I love beach poems!
Comment is about sunday afternoon (blog)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
Rachel Bond
Mon 26th Jul 2010 02:31
this makes a beautiful song...ill sing it with you if you can find the musicians? if you can get amy you should go with that one :)
Comment is about Melancholy Baby (blog)
Thanks Cynthia for kind comments on Sunday Afternoon poem. I nearly didn't put it on as it seemed so slight. I NEVER understand this poetry lark! xx
Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Cornwall, Squire! North coast.
Comment is about sunday afternoon (blog)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
Cynthia, thank you for reading and commenting on "Melancholium".
I am always intrigued to read your feedback and understand your angle on this piece.
Strangely, I see it a a much slower, thoughtful poem, hence the title and the almost daydream-like rambling of the words. The inspiration for this coming from those idle thoughts that pop into one's mind sometimes. Whatever happened to so and so etc etc.
Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
This is fabulous. I needed time to get back to it and read carefully. It is very original, and thought-provoking. Conch shells apparently do not make louder the sound of your bloodbeat, but the 'ambient sounds of the universe', so I read recently.
Comment is about Listen (blog)
Thanks Rachel and Greg. It is meant to sound like the kind of song Billie Holliday would have sang - or Amy Winehouse. The Jezebel is meant to be Society, drab conformity, wage slavery.
Comment is about Melancholy Baby (blog)
I agree with everyone about your descriptive skill. I like your works. In this poem, I do think you could lose unnecessary words that stall the immediacy of your images. A passive verb is not usually a very strong beginning; 'in the' need not be repeated; 'above' is understood, unless you mean 'mountain sides' which I don't think comes through. Sometimes special words that you really like just need to be repositioned, not jettisoned. I guess, Ray, I think it needs skillful tightening. How did we get from 'sun-splashed nakedness' to 'deep in the night' so fast? Just a question; I may have missed a clear point.
Comment is about Llanbwychllyn Lake (blog)
A chilling few lines to encapsulate the soldier's mentality since 'following orders' began in very ancient times. The title is a master of irony.
Comment is about In a Manger Snug and Warm (blog)
This is a lovely poem, Ann. I really like "the beach shrinks and we all squeeze up / and it's like a warm caress". Oh, and forgot to say earlier, great pic, too!
Comment is about sunday afternoon (blog)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
'The beach shrinks and we all squeeze up' is terrific. I also like the repetition of 'before the tide comes in', the urgency of using the beach space while you can, a timeless metaphor much beloved by writers and skillfully handled here, Ann.
Comment is about sunday afternoon (blog)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
Are you a Danny of Poetica? The one I nearly missed one night because there were two of you, at the Cafe Muse if I remember correctly. You were sitting in the outer circle because you arrived late-ish?
Comment is about Daniel Hooks (poet profile)
Original item by Daniel Hooks
Hello Ann, thank you for your comments on 'Stars' and 'High Tide'. I am also of course taking into account your question of the word 'obnoxious' in 'High Tide' I will try to think of a way to rephrase and will likely change it when I've decided on the alternative, most likely at a later date.
- Josh
Comment is about Ann Foxglove (poet profile)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
A very well written observational poem. I like the use of words such as 'raggedy' which give it an almost onomatopoeic feel.
- Josh
Comment is about the little leaf (blog)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Thank you for your high appraisal of 'High Tide' and 'Stars'. I haven't really posted in a while. I'm hoping to post more from here-on-in.
Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
<Deleted User> (6484)
Sun 25th Jul 2010 17:46
Thanks Cynthia, it's a pretty sad story, everyone in it a victim of one kind or the other.
Bernie
Comment is about Robert (blog)
Honestly, I can't always define the line between fantasy and sense. A thoughtful glance - a glancing thought - who knows?
Comment is about the little leaf (blog)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
<Deleted User> (7068)
Sun 25th Jul 2010 12:27
My goodness, Mate, what a deep one you are, blessed with the power of thinking profoundly, relating exponentially, expressing clearly and influencing greatly. I love the killing simplicity of the title, just 'Stars'. The final encapsulating line 'Under the scrutiny of the stars' is a brilliant completion of the thought-circle. This poem is loaded with your seeking mind. How old did you say you were?
Comment is about Stars (blog)
Original item by Joshua Van-Cook
This is good, Josh. You are keenly aware of the obvious and show a sincere respect for the virtually unseen. 'Sinking light falls with the sea into itself' is really lovely, showing an artistic eye, a true love of language and a romantic turn of phrase that is just plain delightful. The whole concept is very mature and thoughtful.
Comment is about High Tide (blog)
Original item by Joshua Van-Cook
The last lines were:
I am a woman
and would like to know
only a true man
Thank you so much for rereading and comment.
Comment is about I AM A WOMAN (blog)
Original item by Larisa Rzhepishevska
Hi Larisa. Not having total recall, I can't remember how the last eight lines were before you changed them. Maybe you could put them back as a comment here at the end of the poem? As it stands, I like the feisty "up yours" Let all the problems go to hell attitude very much. Then you say you want only a real man. Why not go the whole way and say you don't need ANY daft man cluttering up your life? That's my aim anyway! Stand tall - and sod em all! xxxx
Comment is about I AM A WOMAN (blog)
Original item by Larisa Rzhepishevska
Hi, Ann! Thank you very much for your nice comment on "I am a woman". I've changed the end of the poem. Would you be so kind to read it again?
With warmest wishes, Larisa
Comment is about Ann Foxglove (poet profile)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
Hi,Ann! Thank you for your nice comment. And what about the last 8 lines?
Comment is about I AM A WOMAN (blog)
Original item by Larisa Rzhepishevska
Thanks Lynn for nice comment on my Irish Wolfhound poem. I suppose having one as a pet would be like sharing your house with a small pony! xx
Comment is about Lynn Dye (poet profile)
Original item by Lynn Dye
Love this Joshua, as I have enjoyed the other recent postings of yours. (Not sure about the word obnoxious though?) I admire the rythmn you manage to get. Something I can't seem to do! Really good stuff!
Comment is about High Tide (blog)
Original item by Joshua Van-Cook
Yes, it is a bit short. I thought that, when I posted it. As I say, it's an old one. Can't think what to add to it now, so I'll leave it. It sounds a bit like a child speaking, hoping that one day she'll have that doggy in the window!
Yes Stef, def up for meeting Mr P-S and his hounds. We could go on a double date! But then, if it all went really well, I could end up being your step mother in law!
Comment is about ithell (blog)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
I love the first four lines of this Larisa. I love the swan image. A nice poem.
Comment is about I AM A WOMAN (blog)
Original item by Larisa Rzhepishevska
Plas post up "pull apart the perfect nest" in the blog section. it deserves a wider audience. great work . Winston
Comment is about Tom (poet profile)
Original item by Tom
lovely. i can relate so much to this. Win x
Comment is about MOTHERHOOD (blog)
Original item by jane wilcock
<Deleted User> (6895)
Sat 24th Jul 2010 22:41
Hi Lynn-just back from a garden party at Buckingham Palace-left early-there were no jam butties!my man servant will pass on my replies to you in future-he should be arriving at your house in ten minutes-look out for a solid gold Rolls Royce-or a waistcoated,bald headed man-on a pushbike-lol! yours truly-Sir Stefan-hyphenated-Wilde-sleep well me dux!-xx(B-xx)
Comment is about Lynn Dye (poet profile)
Original item by Lynn Dye
<Deleted User> (6895)
Sat 24th Jul 2010 18:23
A spiffing jolly hockey sticks good evening to you Madam(you didnt know I was dead posh did you Lynn!)one is quite moved by ones comments-on ones poem'Muck'n'brass'
I hope no-one knows I,m conversing with a commoner..really!! I usually move in higher circles-but just for this once I shall lower myself-there again I shall have to fully fumigate my whole body afterwards-if you tell anyone I know you-I shall call ones lawyers fortwith...hee hee..ta Lynn for reading-always appreciated-Stef-xx(B-xx)
Comment is about Lynn Dye (poet profile)
Original item by Lynn Dye
Lovely poem, Ann, and what a lovely picture you have chosen. This is my hubby's favourite breed as well, but one would fill our little house right up as well!
Comment is about ithell (blog)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
This is one of the first poems I wrote. So many doggy style poems on recently I thought I'd add my two pennyworth! My daydream is to have a huge Irish Wolfhound - but it would fill up my whole cottage! But they are so beautiful in their scruffy way.
Comment is about ithell (blog)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
Hi Carole, thanks for commenting on Walking the Shore. You can make really strong friendships at work, can't you? I think your poetry is very powerful, especially your most recent one, Beltane Dream
Comment is about Shoeless Carole (poet profile)
Original item by Shoeless Carole
Much to admire here, Ray. Like Rachel, I really like the opening four lines and the music and rhythm therein. On first reading though it reminded me of the Billie Holiday song Strange Fruit and thus made me uneasy, but I assume it's more about someone trapped by "a Jezebel in disguise". I could imagine Amy Winehouse singing this. Perhaps you should send it to her!
Comment is about Melancholy Baby (blog)
<Deleted User> (6895)
Sat 24th Jul 2010 11:07
Good morning young Dave-ah nostalgia eh-good poem-bring on another audio soon matey! kind regards-Stef.
Comment is about Banjo On The Wall (blog)
Original item by Dave Dunn
Hi Greg - re tinkering - yes you can tinker all you like, they're your poems. Lots of people use the blogs to gauge the reaction to a first draft, sometimes they take it down and re-post when they're happier with it, sometimes not ... it's entirely up to you - how much, how little, how often etc etc you post.
Cx
Comment is about Greg Freeman (poet profile)
Original item by Greg Freeman
Hi Cynthia, thanks for being so kind about Walking the Shore - and for not objecting to the fourth verse! The trouble you take to read, appreciate and criticise people's work is always morale-boosting. Greg
Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Hi Gemma,
I commented on your "Grandma" poem a while ago and have just been reading through a couple of your others."Norman's Chippy" reminds me so much of a chippy/toffee shop in Wigan I used to go to as a kid called "Josie's".She lived above it in a flat,and I also remember pea-wet and and scraps or "scratchings" as regular tea-time treats.
It was the toffee counter down the left of the chippy that fascinated me though! This brought back really strong,vivid memories of my own childhood.
I also loved your "Blackpool Rock" poem as well! I still love the place,but it's funny what you notice as you get older,isn't it?I worked in Blackpool three years ago,and what you see daily is an eye-opener!
Will definetely be having a look at your stuff again!
Comment is about Gemma Lees (poet profile)
Original item by Gemma Lees
Thanks,I enjoyed writing the poem it took me back to my childhood. The bike was a my mothers Stefen.
Comment is about The Child I Used to Be (blog)
Original item by Valerie Cook
I enjoyed this poem on Sunday thanks for posting,its sweet.
Jane,happy teeth?
Comment is about MOTHERHOOD (blog)
Original item by jane wilcock
Rachel Bond
Sat 24th Jul 2010 01:50
i loike the jarring imagery of the first stanza
'Someone whispered on a fiddle,
a siren blew a horn and stretched
out long notes that slung slow rope
around my baby's neck'
great opening lines.
Comment is about Melancholy Baby (blog)
Lovely to have you back Nicky, punchy as ever. As a man, not sure I've got the right (?) to comment on this, but I think it's a good one. Hope you aren't losing too much sleep.
Comment is about Gas And Air (blog)
Original item by Nicky Burrows
Hi Nicky
Delighted to hear about Kara Fe. Congratulations. Well done. x
Comment is about Nicky Burrows (poet profile)
Original item by Nicky Burrows
Cynthia Buell Thomas
Mon 26th Jul 2010 10:42
Congratulations on your recognition in the Welsh Poetry Competition!
Comment is about garside (poet profile)
Original item by garside