Am I Just a Crackpot.

I keep searching for an explanation.

Yet I find myself contemplating.

The turmoil in my mind is inflicting.

And. the confusion to me it is subjecting.

I feel my wires need to be reconnected.

So, my sanity can be protected.

A simple understanding is rejected.

Maybe my mind is just defective.

Am I clamouring for answers I cannot find.

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Father told me, when i was young, that his mother told him ‘if you can fit pinky to thumb around your wrist you are too thin’. When I managed to grasp my arm half way up, pinky to my thumb, I saw success. It’s hard to see sadness when you are sick. Mother taught me forgiveness was not earnt, but expected. So, when you lied to me I knew what I was to do next.

         The cathedral was o...

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"idk, but we can try"

what does that mean?

and why do you continue to 

contact me?

W   H   Y   ?

you said you want NO ONE.

then that includes me,

my time,

my love,

my care,

and my company.

If you want to be truly free,

then be free without

any parts of me.

so i did not respond,

but i am tempted.

how would that work?

how would we......

how ...

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Yesterday, was day one.

A day of being alone,

thinking.

Thinking about how my mind 

has yet to understand what happened.

what makes you everything they want,

but not wanted at the same time.

what is it? 

for someone to bring you in on their journey,

then blame the journey for the reason

they   no   longer    need    you   .

they need freedom,

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What were you thinking
dear mind?, she asked
was it shattered ego, or dissapointment?
regret or sadness?
or simply emptiness?
What were you feeling
dear heart?, she asked
when you pushed a droplet 
of tart moisture
fall from the edge of the eye
when you saw the happy bride?
she asked.

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The boys in the street mend their cars.
A miniature garage, it seems.
I feel like crying, I feel so alone,
No-one to mourn me when I am gone.
No-one to miss me, no-one to care.
I pound at the walls, but no-one is there.
And if they are there, then no-one hears.
And if they hear, then no-one cares.
No-one to care, no-one to cry,
If I live, If I die.

The boys in the street are at it agai...

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veiled her blue calculating eyes

perplexing glances in the gloom

doubts pierced my needy soul

doomed before I left the room

sultry night in old San Francisco

anxious moon smearing the bed

mood like some jack in the box

doubt running amok in my head

woke to discover a basilisk stare

examining my rank imperfection

my body was never the greatest

where is the...

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was lovely last Christmas

hugs amid a snow storm

face so bright and caring

mind in such good form

sharp, as bright as a pin

enjoying tinsel and pies,

no hint of grief to come,

warmth yet in grey eyes

change, a new confusion

not sure of time or day,

struggled finding words,

shopping, lost her way

I know his face, where...?

why cant I remember?

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i used to have so many regrets

each volatile ,invading my mind with no consent

i dont know how we got here

to 3am conversations to whatsapp calls

to less celing staring and more dreamfilled snores

i used to be so conflicted constantly questioning myself , my choices

i have yet to do the same when it comes to you

im certain,doubtless,fearless and oddly enough thats what scares ...

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How come
The heart-wrenching
And the  unexpected
Widow's grief
Turned-brief?

The lady in black
Soon defying
Funeral decorum
Put on pink clothes
Decency that lack
Simply to attack
A deceased
Cheating husband
Whose unfaithfulness
Kept in the dark
Soon after funeral
Became stark!

Aghast adultery
Triggers
Hell knows no fury.

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Covid Mary

This world is made of razorblades and bile

Where every step is dangerous to tread

Bloody footprints stretch out mile after mile

Leading to the bone mansions of the dead

They chew on rotting meat and bitter wine

And breath the fetid air of charnel house

The graveyards filled with beggars is a sign

Of every corrupt moral they espouse

In darkened rooms they ...

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As a child
Friends knocked the door
Eagerly excited
You were waiting for
To hear the question 
As it left their mouth
Asking your parents 
If you were coming out

As a child 
We’d run around
No care in the world
And acting the clown
Getting dirty
And playing in mud
Making as many adventures
As we possibly could

As a child
I was building a wall
To keep me safe
And ca...

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Inside I’m breaking, I’m aching, in falling apart
The mess in my head is a real work of art
I’d unravel this mess but where would I start
Picked away at the seams bit by bit, part by part

The confusions, delusions
I just think what I have
But then thinking and sinking
I start to feel sad
Then with sadness there’s madness
And then I feel bad
These confusions, delusions are driving me ma...

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Do they really need to know
Does it matter, does it show
Does it make them like me less
Can they see inside my head
Do they really need to know

Do they really need to know
Put on a front and fake a smile
Things seem ok for a while
Until the shadows creep back in
And the demons start to win
Do they really need to know

Do they really need to know
Everything looks fine outside
But I’...

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Repitition was key

But never the key to success

The key to her chest

Was hidden in the black depth of her soul

Repitition was inevitable

Outsiders were impatient

And also knowledgable 

About what was likely to happen next

Repitition was boring

A different mask for her to wear

To hide the recurring sadness

That she endured from his actions again

Re...

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Enchanting, charming

Kind and caring.

How I fall for this disarming lie

Cunning, swift

Capturing and setting adrift.

A mind so confused

Looking for a missing muse.

There was a sign

Didn’t you see?

A warning of note

But no, you let it free.

Heart so soft and bruised

She doesn’t need to be used

But…it’s her fault

She must bring it to a halt

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I know I traded something

A part of me

For the splendid splendour of money

I did that thing you shouldn’t do

I gave myself to him

You know, the soul

Cut a piece of myself out for him

You know, the heart

I cut a piece of myself off for him

(You know which part)

But I didn't feel a thing

I'm waiting to miss it

Miss this

Thing

I'm waiting for the pain

You...

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To You who art

To me, when I see

The made star night

Looming, enfolding,

Displacing the confusion

Of maps and charts.

A darkness that is as light

As the day when

The sweat and the blood

Tasted by a dying thief

Glistened, glistened, glistened,

While the hot sky

Darkened, darkened, darkened.

No star was seen

But looming,

Falling, falling, w...

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Thought ought to be,

Pure, precise and princely.

Sadly, mostly,

It's a battered ball, but, bit, batted about,

Deformed - to conform - to today's haze.

Thus, inevitably, it's always somewhat crazed.

But still, thought ought to be.

So let me leave you with this one:

Where do yours come from?

A Definition

To think is

To sink into,

To link into,

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and I wonder if there's someone else that you wish was giving you the attention that I am

and I wonder if you are giving someone else the attention that I wish you would give me

and I wonder why this imbalance follows me

chases me

always always nipping at my heels

and yet somehow manages to also remain

two steps ahead of me

this imbalance of desire

of devotion

of depende...

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|           Love is deep as the road is long.

With every breath I live the day do what I can, this is where it begins.

Nobody knows how the story ends.

 Moments pass like moving cars on the freeway all trying to get back home.

Look back not to the darkness threw the door. We set out so long ago.

 Move my feet to carry on but it beats my heart when you are gone.

Freedom once grace...

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I'm Done

Why am I constantly the toy

of a man child's eye?

Then supposed men tell me,

I need someone like them?!

Something doesn't make sense...

Maybe it's me...

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How do you know if time is being wasted?

Drifting so far away from the honesty that the honesty becomes a lie,

How do you know if it's what's meant to be, if im with you and he's not with me?

They say time you enjoy wasting, isn't wasted time,

But does that apply when you've got your enjoyment, and I've lost mine?

How do you know what's meant to be?

I'm with you, and he's no...

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The snake

It slithers around me

Putting on a show

As if I'm in control

But little do I know

It's charming me

Hypnotized

I give myself over

Allowing the fangs

To pierce my flesh

The venom

Paralyzing me

Smiling proud

At the feat

Begins the retreat

Into the grass

Disappearing

From my vision

I thought this

This was the test

To ...

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Becoming

Being

Not quite what I was

Not even who I want to be

Not recognizing who I am

Can't go back to who I was

Can't get to who I want to be

Can't figure out who I am

The past kicked me out

But my future won't let me in

And my present won't give me rest

Trying to let go of her

Trying to become the better she

Trying to find the present me

I escaped the m...

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PTRD - Post Traumatic Religious Disorder.  Confessions of a confused believer who’s not sure what to believe. Highs, lows, anxiety, depression, suppression, and all that in between. Saved, suicidal, and soaked in the blood. The aftermath of trying to be a round peg in a square world. Do you ever feel like you have been traumatized by the religion that holds your faith? Down, dismayed, and subdued ...

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CONFUSION

Even though the sun is shining I feel the Rain/

Even though I´m numb I feel the Pain

Even though nothing´s wrong everything feels not Right/

Even though there is no darkness I see no Light

Void and Chaos fill my Mind/

I see everything and I´m still Blind

My mind and my Heart keep getting Bruised/

I know nothing but I know I´m Confused

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unravel it all 
feel the moments
the bliss
the bitterness
the salty sweet combo that tantalizes the palate
its part of this puddle life 
the snow isn’t ready to melt and neither am I 
I just embrace it all
The frozen fear 
the frigid fog
clouded in mystery and madness 
Im never clear
I was never here 
Secrets swallow me whole
Time to come clean
Listen as I scream 
profess my dreams...

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Every heart wants somethings thats harder to get

Like looking for that rainbow in the desert 

Or the dry spot in the rain forest

But no some people are hunters

They prey on your weak emotions while you pray for acceptance

You could stand up for them while they stain your name when your down 

That same stain will be seen around town

Looking for love no im just a corner hoe for ...

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Unhealthy thoughts they form and sworm inside my head, they all are of you and the things you never did or said, guided by jealousy, the short leash tightens on me, I'm wanting it to rip off my head, in bed at night alone, staring at my blank cell phone, the thought what you could be doing fills me with dread, they say trust is a must, I never understood all that fuss, oh I wish these thoughts wou...

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Eyes so dark like drowning in molten mystery 
Your stare shatters my resolve
A seraphic touch played its music on my skin
Your hands lead me into danger
A rhythmical voice that unburdens my heart
Your song confuses my mind
A remembered dream that torments my sleep
Your face impregnates the screen
Once my lover now my friend
Your silence screams at me
Betrayal bites the hand that fed...

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Along the long and winding road

You’ll reach a spot where paths will cross

There you know not where to go

For either leads to unfamiliar ground

You’ll never know where they may lead

Unless you choose to follow it

But know that you may never know

Where the other could have taken you.

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On face a sham normalcy

the core filled with dread

At a very cusp of no return

can’t help but forge ahead

 All deemed plain pushover

how it ended up otherwise 

None other there to fault

since caught in own devise

Those efforts painstaking

 a well thought over intent

Ended in such an imbroglio

that no one could prevent

Resources all...

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I fail at sleeping

in a show of unconditional accusation, the reproachful slander of your hereafter,

amongst the placid hours,

I try to be the grand man, but I shake too much

unhinged by the overreach of my skeletal height

much to the delight of every unskilled whistler

tough love and rougher hate interprets the shuddering motions, as my left hand lingers

over a poss...

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This must be my longest night
the moon laying its heavy light right down
this room swims in so much gossiping
conversations; always imagined and impossible

This must be my longest night
the blurred echoes of all we did ring ‘round
there’s no sleep to be had, just counting stars
and scenes replaying; rose or shit tinted now

I found the jagged edge of love
it cut right across my heaving...

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There’s a floor called race and a home called blood,

it can be what forms you.

It can be what clothes you, what warms you as it flows through your body,

a rich honey providing brotherhood, relation, family and love -

bonds of pride which cartwheel through your body.

I have a mystery and in my father lies the clues.

I had droplets of speciality, uniqueness, distinction, excitement...

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Fragments of my heart began to scatter like narrowed tears,

Foraging the pieces to corrade together, 'till the very near.

I frech as I hear the boastful brontides approach

Agonously attempting to grasp on to my unconvienent hopes.

My eyes are discerpted, bleeding tears of remorse

Time had fleered me from its natural habitat

Balefully, it mocked my optimistic ways

Pirating...

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21 gallons to Kristiansund

here I can piss like a journeyman

with the eloquence

of a tattooed scream a

cast-off, sport smart, council queen

21 gallons to Kristiansund

I don’t understand

21 gallons to Kristiansund

21 gallons to Kristiansund

here I find myself worthy of an unequal lack

of an outcasts working weekend chance

with a mind fumed on zero

none shall...

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Implied persuasion,

By three knowing souls

Left a vision of what could have been.

A momentary relapse,

Like Lady Macbeth, blinded

Misguided, bitter raged

Baby beaten on her breast.

Innocent youth taken

Shaken by protector.

No milk of human kindness,

To be sweetened, swallowed

Just a poisoned evil that is given at first breath.

An undone deat...

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Take a look into my eyes,
And maybe we will find
that between you and me
It's the way that love should be.

She told me I had beautiful eyes
her heart said friends
and her mouth did too...
and my mind's confused now I'm not with you.

See I can be the best friend that I have been for years
or I can be the guy that can hold you near.
But I can't be this.

You s...

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Gently you trace the tear
down my cheek
my pain mirrored
in the confusion in your eyes
not understanding what you’ve done
again
still
but wanting to

Words like barriers between us
we take turns offering apologies
reassurances
arms pulling each other close
losing myself
in your warm hard body against mine
as we both try to deny
the fences between us

...

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