Are you the omniscient writer in this? Maybe it should be second person voice entirely.

In my opinion, it is a strong idea, perhaps needing a strong hand to make it tighter, with culling and more precise diction. Great word play on the title Fireworks.

Comment is about Fireworks (blog)

Original item by Kealan Coady

The beautiful slow thoughts of many quiet moments brought into words as though talking to the dearest friend of your life, and written with grace and elegance.

I presume this is a marvellous talent for empathy, a true poet's gift.

Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)

hi - "the beauty queen" - many thanks. B

Comment is about Ann Foxglove (poet profile)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

This is such a sad and moving poem. It almost feels like an intrusion to read it.

Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)

Beautiful poem Ray, very moving.
Cx

Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)

This is a fine, fine poem, Ray. The last stanza in particular takes the breath away. I wanted to quote individual lines from it, but realised that was impossible. Each line of that last verse could form the substance of a poem in its own right. Greg

Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)

Painfully poignant. A gorgeous flow between great warmth and regret at the passing of the time.thanks John

Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)

I just had to log in to say what a wonderful sensitive and moving poem this is. So touching.

Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)

OK Rachel you are on, but as you are an obvious trouble maker and are probably dead hard, I will only fight you if you agree to have both hands tied behind your back and your feet tied together ha ha.......
TC

Comment is about Beautiful Minds (blog)

Original item by Isobel

Hi Phil

Keep writing haiku! It's an often repeated mistake down the years that haiku are a fixed number of syllables.

Alan

================
Tips about writing a Haiku
================

It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.

If you do write them that way make sure your writing is natural.

Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)

Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter
which order.

Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.

cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud

Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN 1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999

'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or season word. Cool is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.

Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day e.g.

allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books

Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007


So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's your one line finished.

Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.

I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's also a great reminder, even years later, of what happened. e.g.

a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly

Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997


'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's
laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city farm.

Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound
natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.

Good luck!

Alan
With Words:
www.withwords.org.uk/what.html

Blog: http://area17.blogspot.com


.

Comment is about High Haiku (blog)

Original item by Phil Golding

Hi!

Have you written any more haiku?

all my best,

Alan
www.withwords.org.uk
http://area17.blogspot.com

.

Comment is about Haiku (blog)

Original item by Belinda

I'm really chuffed about your comments on Semana Santa, Isobel. We were there for a week in a small town halfway between Granada and Seville, where my daughter was teaching at a little English language school. The way the atmosphere builds during the week; we saw it in Seville as well as Osuna. And as for the hoods ... you're right about the Klu Klux Klan .. slightly alarming, to say the least! Greg

Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)

Original item by Isobel

I wouldn't call this a senryu, it's quite clearly a haiku.

I would reduce the amount of capital letters, and consider reducing the amount of adjectives and adverbs e.g.


paper-wrapped chips,
I sit on a beacon bench
while the sun sets

I love paper-wrapped chips, it's so evocative, good subject choice! ;-)

Alan

==========================
Tips about writing a Haiku
==========================

It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.

If you do write them that way make sure your writing is natural.

Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)

Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter
which order.

Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.

cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud

Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN 1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999

'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or season word. 'Cool' is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.

Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day e.g.

allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books

Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007


So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's your one line finished.

Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.

I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's also a great reminder, even years later, of what happend. e.g.

a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly

Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997


'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's
laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city farm.

Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound
natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.

Good luck!

Alan
With Words:
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html

Blog: http://area17.blogspot.com

.

Comment is about (blog)

Hi Andy, thanks for your comment on 'In fidelity.' I posted a comment of my own below the poem. It is a cultural poem.
x

Comment is about Andy N (poet profile)

Original item by Andy N

Hi Isobel,
thanks for your comment on In fidelity.
I added a comment of my own below the poem if you're interested to have a gander. :-)
xx

Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)

Original item by Isobel

Hi Kathryn,

You were quite right to try something away from the "perceived" form of haiku (see below on tips).

Haiku don't tend to have titles, or even head notes, and punctuation is kept to a minimum.

Hope you write some more! ;-)

Alan


Tips about writing a Haiku

It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.

If you do write them that way make sure your writing is natural.

Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)

Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter
which order.

Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.

cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud

Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN 1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999

'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or season word. Cool is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.

Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day e.g.

allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books

Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007


So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's your one line finished.

Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.

I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's also a great reminder, even years later, of what happend. e.g.

a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly

Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997


'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's
laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city farm.

Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound
natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.

Good luck!

Alan
With Words:
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html

Alan's Events Blog: http://area17.blogspot.com

.

Comment is about Waiting. (blog)

Tips about writing a Haiku

It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.

If you do write them that way make sure your writing is natural.

Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)

Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter
which order.

Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.

cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud

Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN
1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999

'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or
season word. Cool is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.

Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day
e.g.

allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books

Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007


So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's
your one line finished.

Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.

I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's
also a great reminder, even years later, of what happend. e.g.

a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly

Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South
Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997


'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's
laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city
farm.

Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound
natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.

Good luck!

Alan
With Words:
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html

Blog: http://area17.blogspot.com

Comment is about voicemail and limes (blog)

Original item by Alan Summers

Tips about writing a Haiku

It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.

If you do write them that way always make sure your writing is natural.

Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)

Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter which order.

Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.

cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud

Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN 1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999

'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or season word. Cool is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.

Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day e.g.

allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books

Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007


So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's your one line finished.

Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.

I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's also a great reminder, even years later, of what happend. e.g.

a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly

Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997


'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city farm.

Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.

Good luck!

Alan
With Words:
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html

Comment is about 2nd Day (blog)

Original item by Steven Kenny

Hi Andy, thanks very much for reading and commenting on my poem,glad you liked it.
x

Comment is about Andy N (poet profile)

Original item by Andy N

Liked this a lot, Rachel. "a scrape, a scuff of ill planned heel on rock" and "But for the ticking of a pipit" two of several good lines. Why an obscenity of frogspawn?If I were to be critical, I'd say the punctuation and line breaks are a bit erratic. Lovely poem, nonetheless.

Comment is about Up The Tops (blog)

Original item by Rachel McGladdery

Hi Greg As ever thanks for the comments. I'm a lapsed Catholic myself and I think YouTube is about as close to the 'afterlife' we're ever likely to get! It is pretty amazing and if I wasn't always so busy I'm sure I could spend hours on it. I've wanted to do one on the Wolf Man for ages, but it only recently came together. I also quite fancy doing one on Muddy Waters and another on John Lee Hooker - a kind of holy trinity of the Chicago Blues. At the moment, though, I don't really have any angles to proceed on.

Comment is about Greg Freeman (poet profile)

Original item by Greg Freeman

some good lines in this, steven..my favourite in this is the first line of the 1st stanza and the 3rd stanza..

Comment is about Cracks (blog)

Original item by Steven Kenny

good stuff, rachel. really enjoyed this... nicely judged

Comment is about Up The Tops (blog)

Original item by Rachel McGladdery

bet this took you a bit to write... it is one of those pieces where the slightness displays the hint that this was much harder work than people may originally think. first rate,m8

Comment is about Go Hug Grandad (blog)

Original item by Simon Rennie

Morning Greg, Oh I dunno about the past/present thing so much. I think yours are more immediate possibly because you have the knack of making them seem current, I'm sure yours (like mine) are from tales you heard throughout your life, mine possibly carry the second hand feeling more than yours. In any case I think the fact that yours seem less removed from the present make them more vivid and effective.
Cool coincidence though isn't it that we are both writing a similar theme, feels like we are fellow travellers if you'll allow a tired cliche!Lol.(I'm a tired cliche-er)
I have also fallen foul of the old plastic bird trick, in our case a 3x life size plastic kingfisher on the canal towpath, I hadn't seen one before (though it did look a bit too big) and me and my youngest son did a ridiculous SAS type stalk so it didn't fly off in alarm.
x

Comment is about Greg Freeman (poet profile)

Original item by Greg Freeman

I've never been to Paris (any offers?) but this is a lovely poem. The hands tied gently line got me too. beautiful. I love that it is snatches of memories it's sort of diffuse and intense at the same time, just like memories are.
x

Comment is about le weekend (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Morning Dave, thanks for the comment on th'poem. yep, we are very lucky, not many hen harriers around anywhere these days but they nest around Bowland...I can't (without binoculars) be 100% sure it was a hen harrier but it looked very much like one.
x

Comment is about Dave Bradley (poet profile)

Original item by Dave Bradley

Yes Francine - all we need is a baguette with bit of cheese and we could be there - soaking up the atmosphere in Ann's fusty room...

Chris - you are making me wish I could just up sticks and go there for a week-end. Poetry on the Seine - with enough of us out there it could divine! Somebody organise it - I've had enough of the Douglas.

Comment is about le weekend (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Thank you for the offer of a fight with your brother. Thats sounds grand to me.I had not had a few the other night, I just talk shit most the time and am always ready to give you a dead arm chris. It makes me uncomfortable when everybody is nice to each other all the time which is why I am usually found starting arguements.If we can just fight instead that'd be great...black eye next time chris?

Comment is about Beautiful Minds (blog)

Original item by Isobel

Intriguing. I thought she was going to get hit by lightning at the end

Comment is about for all the men I love (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Cheers Dave-ohh! John Lee Hooker was the Man round the Manchester clubs-in the thar days-What a scene to have had the very good fortune of being in! fab gear Man! get my mojo out in a bit-sniff sniff! Stef.

Comment is about David Cooke (poet profile)

Original item by David Cooke

Can but agree with the others. Terrific. A hen harrier - lucky you.

Comment is about Up The Tops (blog)

Original item by Rachel McGladdery

It is isn't it. I love mine too.

Comment is about Mmmmmm (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Cate is spot on in saying that the tight style and repetition reflects the drudgery of poverty. The style is as restricted as the lifestyle. Excellent poem Cynthia - we all need reminding regularly what is out there.

Comment is about Poverty Is (blog)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas

another great poem ann - I love the way the poem turns a corner with "hands tied gently....."perfect.

Comment is about le weekend (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

We decorate Ann's poem well with the Eiffel Tower and a bottle of
(what I presume to be) French Merlot ; )

Ummm... Make that a GREAT second best!

Comment is about le weekend (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Isobel - you have to go back and change that memory - it's one of the most beautiful, interesting, glorious cities in the world!
Though the only experience I had there that echoed yours Ann, was the coffee... interesting memory.
Cx

Comment is about le weekend (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Good evening Kath-some people have probs etc with sad poems-me?-no way,I,m open to all aspects of life and death-poetry(I think)has to include all.Sombre image this poem,but well worded-re my comment on being regretful about the past-I have two poems done quite a bit ago-on sameish subject-apologetic to family etc-would love your opinion-one called'Tonight Matthew'-and-'Went the day well?'if you prefer not-absolutely no probs-whenever you like-thanks-Stefan-x

Comment is about Lie in wait (blog)

I only have bad memories of the Gare du Nord Francine - plus an awful stint as an au pair on the outskirts where I was totally mis-used by the family but didn't have the confidence to put my foot down or walk out...

I'd love to return one day and have a similar experience to Ann! If that never happens - you would make a good second best Francine! LOL -
I'm sure it wouldn't take us long to find company anyway - just so long as we went somewhere a bit more upmarket than the Gare du Nord!

Sorry to hijack your poem Ann - it just brought back a flood of memories - mine all to clear, unfortunately.

Comment is about le weekend (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Eh ben Isobel...
On retournera ensemble un jour.
Il ne faut pas garder des mauvais souvenirs de Paris... ça ne se fait pas !

Comment is about le weekend (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Well it doesn't hold good memories for me. I remember missing the last train home there. After passing up on a rather dubious offer from the station master, I ended up sharing a room with 2 other students I'd never met before (one male) in a grotty little hotel. I slept with my clothes on, thinking I might wake up with a knife to my throat - the stress of it all!

Your week-end sounded like a lorra lorra fun...

Comment is about le weekend (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Glad you enjoyed the Kingfisher poem, Rachel. A similar thing happened to me: I carefully prepared to take a picture of an immobile heron on the far side of the canal, poised to seize a fish, marvelling at its ability to keep so still, only to discover it was a plastic one. I need new glasses.
Thanks too for commenting on Eating in Private, and feeling it so much. It's intended to be part of a sequence, which I think you may be embarked on too, with your "war at sea" poems. I'm always looking forward to the next one. You have the knack of referring the past to the present, which maybe I need to do more with mine. Greg

Comment is about Rachel McGladdery (poet profile)

Original item by Rachel McGladdery

Mmmm... Ce poème provoque de bons souvenirs...

Comment is about le weekend (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Hello Cate

How lovely your comments are, almost as sad as the poem.

I agree with every thing you say, the world becomes a frightening place for many of us as we grow confused and infirm.

Thank you once again.

Augusta xx

Comment is about Cate (poet profile)

Original item by Cate

Thank you Anne for reading my poem reference to my grandfather's Scrotum. and in particular the last line.

You are very encouraging and ... prolific...you probably written another ten poems becuse the clocks have gone forward affording you more datlight thinking time.... whoops... another poem... oh here comes another...

lucky girl it takes me ages.

Thanks again
Augusta xx

Comment is about Ann Foxglove (poet profile)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

OI! Gladdrags! patum peperium-what disgusting language to use on Palm Sunday-wot I don,t understand anyway-heehee....ta chuck for chukkin' us a comment on me dicky..bird poo-em....in your neck of the woods(more or less,this week-Funky Fleetwood for four days-in caravan-now theres luxury!keep yer snow shoes handy-more on the way-'they' say! wot-not-a-skorcha!brrrr-Stef-xx

Comment is about Rachel McGladdery (poet profile)

Original item by Rachel McGladdery

Good afternoon Isobel,

Thank you for grappling with my grandfathers scrotum.

I would very much like to produce a self published book of my poetry... and 'Bollocks' might well be the Title although many of my poems do include reference to ladies gentalia... now I wonder what a combination of the two might be...

I'm open, as always, to suggestions.

Augusta

August

Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)

Original item by Isobel

I admire the fact that you are trying out different poetic forms
Cynthia - It is interesting to see and read. What Poverty is, can be different for everyone - I really like the last verse as it is a universal feeling and says it all.

Comment is about Poverty Is (blog)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas

Thank you so much Cynthia for taking the time to comment on my Granfather's scrotum.

Augusta xx

Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas

Hey Max, great to see you on here
rach
x

Comment is about Max Wallis (poet profile)

Original item by Max Wallis