I’ve got it!  The solution to the above.

The situation has become exacerbated by the glut of brainless protesters and anti-protest protesters who are being pushed through the courts to administer swift deterrence (as opposed to punishment).  The government’s remedy is to let out of prison other “bad lads” in order to make room.

The obvious solution, however, albeit a nettle feared to be gras...

Read and leave comments (0)

The chant of Eng-er-land football fans whenever we play Germany.  In stark contrast in intellect  when Germany won the final of the European Championship in 1996, their fans were singing,

“It’s coming home

It’s coming home

It’s coming

Football’s coming home”

In English.

But it is telling that a brand of Englishman takes credit for winning the Second World War, despite the fact th...

Read and leave comments (11)

(A poem I wrote for the kids and their grandad)

If Grandad should come round to our house sometime

For lunch or for dinner or tea

He’ll tell us he’s not a big eater these days

“Don’t serve up too much for me”.

He likes a red wine before his repas

It serves as aperitif

And anyway these days he can’t chew so well

Not with his NHS teeth.

In time we’ll sit dow...

Read and leave comments (4)

We'd been to Designer Outlet

A day full of dull misery

I’d sampled a few cups of coffee

Which meant that I needed a pee.

I nipped to the public convenience

And read all the ads on the wall

Avoiding the one on Viagra

(A bloke was in the next stall).

But then as I left the urinals

I heard from the Ladies next door

The sound of a Dyson Airblade

Making its motorised ro...

Read and leave comments (5)

My heart was stronger than a Sulzer pump

It beat a steady 60bpm – thump thump thump

It’s seen me through rugby and marathons too

Those days when my ticker was nearly brand new.

These days I’m fitted with a Pacemaker

I had a problem that I never knew

Now the Old Ticker just needs a quick kick up the backside,

It’s gone askew;

That’s why I have to have a Pacemaker

I’m...

Read and leave comments (7)

I’m sure that those of you who’ve been paying attention to my magnum opuseses will recollect a piece I posted some little while ago from my time in the mining industry and, specifically, about some of the characters it threw up.  The malapropping Osbert Hartley and Alec Simmons, of whom it was said that “he’d fuck an old bayonet wound”.  This piece, though, is about another of these real-life cart...

Read and leave comments (2)

While walking down the High Street

I wondered “Where’d they go?”

I looked for Rediffusion

But find it, could I?  No!.

Before the time of mobile phones

If you’d want to know

The football scores at 5 o’clock

That was where you’d go.

Now where I once watched hoping

And praying Spurs won’t lose

It’s now a beauty parlour

Where you can get tattoos.

It d...

Read and leave comments (6)

We thought we’d show they’re not welcome

So me and my mates and some Nazi scum

“Send them back to where they come from”

I fought the law but the law won.

I fought the law but the law won.

We set some wheelie bins alight

“Yorkshire! Yorkshire!”; find a fight

Falling for what Twitter spun

Ignorant or just plain dumb.

I fought the law but the law won.

I fought the l...

Read and leave comments (9)

Many of my worldwide fans will be aware that I ended my gainful employment some few years ago as verger at Selby Abbey. I thought it would be a good idea to try to atone for a lifetime's indiscretions.  Indeed I did this so successfully that I now sit one rung down from the fucking angels.

This is a poem about me and a friend of mine (actually he was the best man at our wedding) who has become ...

Read and leave comments (2)

These days I find it hard to catch

A lady’s eye (more so her snatch)

Until I found this secret ploy

I’ve started wearing corduroy;

Cos when they’ve reached a certain age

They can’t resist it brown or beige;

And, better still, their heartbeat races

If they’re held up by some braces.

This rarely fails but if it does

Fret ye not nor make a fuss

Cos deadly for a silv...

Read and leave comments (4)

In this house was Coopey born

This plaque says now he’s dead and gorn

For England 50 goals he claimed

Combined with those of Harry Kane

As Alan Turing in disguise

He also won the Nobel Prize

He made him look a sluggish dolt

When he raced that Usain Bolt

Amongst the literati too

Comparators were precious few

As general it’s Britain’s loss

He wore till death his pro...

Read and leave comments (2)

(I was prompted to post this from my Greatest Hits back catalogue because I saw on Bangers and Cash that one of these "land crabs" as they were known fetched £7000 at auction)

Yer Morris 1800 motor car

Was not designed to travel very far;

It was the first one that I bought

And, sensibly, you might have thought

For ninety quid that I’d been caught

With “MUG” across my head.

Read and leave comments (2)

I remember my grandad telling me when I was little (about 3’ 6”, I’d guess) that, for a 21st birthday present for my grandma, he paid for her to have all her teeth out and dentures fitted.  Apparently, that wasn’t uncommon in those days.

For one thing, it avoided a lifetime contending with rotting teeth and toothache.  (I suspect lead toothpaste tubes might have played a part).  But also, this ...

Read and leave comments (4)

Once you stood up there And you didn’t have a care

Knowing that the outcome’s in the bag;

This time though to your cost You discovered that you lost

Sticking in your craw to make you gag.

Taken down, Lizzie Truss, You’ve been taken down

Where’s your hubris now and where’s your crown?

So we will send you dead flowers now you’re leaving

Lamenting once your star so briefly s...

Read and leave comments (6)

(Some of you older gits might remember Tennessee Ernie Ford's copy of my original he entitled "Sixteen Tons")

Some people say a man is made out of mud

A poor   man’s made out of muscle and blood

Muscle and blood and skin and bone

A mind that’s weak and a back that’s strong.

But this man’s not made out of muscle and bones

Too many chips and beers and cream scones

Too ...

Read and leave comments (4)

It’s one of the least edifying episodes in Hungarian history.  The country likes to look back on the heroism of the ’56 Uprising against Russian vassalage, but I discovered on a recent Danube cruise a reminder of a more shameful image of its past.

I was unaware of the “Budapest Shoes” until our visit there.  These are iron sculptures of 60-odd pairs of shoes near the Parliament building by the ...

Read and leave comments (6)

(A rare love poem from Yours Truly)

I got Sunblest for my snap today

But if I protest I get it anyway

I hear you say

“Who is it treats me this way?”

Our Gert

I’m talking about Our Gert.

I like to see the sights when I’m on holiday

But she drags me round M&S and C&A.

I like to watch on TV Tottenham Hotspur play

But it’s “Friends” instead and not “Match ...

Read and leave comments (5)

I read recently on the BBC News website a story about a former Oxford student who was surprised to find that he was roomed next door to the Crown Prince of Japan, now Emperor Naruhito.  It took my eye because I too was at University with royalty – namely Rodney Sempa (Anglicised name) the nephew of the previously deposed King of Uganda, who, although he was known as King Freddie, his full Sunday n...

Read and leave comments (4)

The odd defeat of England or a victory abroad

Constitute the rare times when the Lion Rampant roared.

They suffer renewed expectation as the game unfolds

Ignoring the same narrative that many time’s been told

A glass of Scotch half empty though is always full of Hope

But falling in the same trap twice is known as rope-a-dope

Then fervour breeds hysteria if Scotland first sho...

Read and leave comments (6)

(Prepare to be disappointed again)

A professor of medicine from Chile

Is conducting research you'd think silly

His study comprises

Comparing the sizes

(I can see that you've guessed) of men's willies.

It seems the good Doctor's detected

Amongst the sample selected

That phalluses fall

Into “normal” or “small”

(That's under 2 inch when erected).

But a ...

Read and leave comments (4)

Seven, Magnificent Seven

Mordaunt, Angela Rayner

And some others who have slipped my mind

Like What’s-Her-Name? and Who’s-His-Face?

Mordaunt, Penny Mordaunt

Rayner, Angela Rayner

And some talking heads that’s Also-Rans

Like What’s-Her-Name? and Who’s-His-Face?

Read and leave comments (4)

(Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink)

Those of you who have been paying attention will know that we’ve just been on a Danube cruise – our first river cruise although we’ve been on a few around the Med before Covid.  There are a number of differences which I shan’t bore you with now (if I haven’t already) but there is one interesting similarity – toilet protocol.

On both types...

Read and leave comments (2)

(It was Our Gert's birthday yesterday as we came home from a Danube Cruise.  I wrote this in her card)

I’m sitting now upon this bog

Completing here the Captain’s log

With all my might I push and shove

With all my heart I write with love

“I hope you’ve liked this Danube cruise

I hope you’ve drunk enough free booze

I know you ate enough free food

So Happy Birthday ...

Read and leave comments (4)

Who do you think you are kidding Mr Starmer

If you think old Rishi’s done?

We are the boys who smashed down your North Red Wall

We are the boys who will bring about your fall;

So who do you think you are kidding Mr Starmer

If you think the voting’s won?

We don’t care about Lib Dems cos they will not perform

The Nationalists are shafted; we don’t care about Reform.

Who ...

Read and leave comments (10)

I read recently that the children’s classic “Huckleberry Finn” had been removed from many school libraries on the basis that it is considered racist.  It’s been years since I read it (Tom Sawyer too) so my memory is not sharp on this; but I am prepared to concede that it is racist if I am told so.

And a good thing too – not the racism but the banning.  I see it as one more footstep towards our ...

Read and leave comments (3)

(A poem I could have written every year since 1961)

No question we will win the League next year

And he who doubts can only be a fool

For Tottenham Hotspur l’heure de gloire is near.

You other teams might scoff and gloat and jeer

That Spurs have dined so long on football gruel

But there’s no doubt we’ll win the League next year

Just mark my words – it’s time to ...

Read and leave comments (8)

It’s been a source of huge regret

That’s always bothered me

I never had a girlfriend with

An Eddie Tupper “V”.

I’ve loved girls who had long dark hair

And cocker spaniel eyes

But never dated anyone

With Eddie Tupper thighs.

I’ve loved girls who were graduates

Intelligent and wise

I’d swop that in a heartbeat though

For Eddie Tupper thighs.

And fac...

Read and leave comments (1)

You might think it specialised in Stetson hats

But no! it caters for blokes with huge stats

Though they don’t call the website “Lardarses and Fats”

For fear of offending them slightly

It goes by the name “High and Mighty”.

Its clientele all have an oversized girth

From shovelling chips in for all that they’re are worth

“Genetic” they’ll say, “I’ve been big from birth...

Read and leave comments (6)

Our Gert allus moans

At all of my poems

She says as the all sound the same;

Just tum-titty-tum

And tum-titty-tum

And tum-titty-tum again.

When she complains

I try to explain

I’m finding my feet as a bard;

But she says as my verse

Is getting much worse;

So I’m finding it ever so hard.

She says what I need

Is I ought to read

The Masters down liter...

Read and leave comments (1)

This homage is to Spring Café

(On Mondays sadly closed all day);

I seldom ever fail to stop

To call in at the Charity Shop

A welcome waits both warm and safe

For Charity’s in the Christian faith;

Among the diverse things they sell

Of course there’s clothes and books as well.

But at the bottom tucked away

You’ll find this wonderful café

It’s been here fo...

Read and leave comments (5)

I saw it on the telly and I thought it looked like fun

Our Gert, though, wasn’t sure – she’s got the sex drive of a nun;

“Oh no! this really isn’t me” she said with coy reserve

But “Bugger that!” I thought “This is a treat that I deserve”.

I took her swinging

Our first time swinging

Which started with us innocently mingling;

But it wasn’t long before

She had got beyond the ...

Read and leave comments (12)

Before my dad shook a six the month before his 90th birthday, he told us about his encounter with The Nob Nurse.  (Obviously, he didn’t tell us after!).

In his final years he was moved a fair few times from one nursing home to the next.  In part this was to get him closer to the family support of myself and (primarily) my sister; but in part also because he was a cantankerous old bastard and th...

Read and leave comments (1)

(And now for some literary high-brow.  Do try to keep up)

I bought my friend a tortoise

The best the shop could sell

He wondered what to name her

And settled on Michelle.

I have a Spanish girlfriend

For looks no one could beat her

She’s only got one front tooth

I call her my Juanita.

Oh,my! What a rotten song

What a rotten song

What a rotten song

Oh,my...

Read and leave comments (2)

If it takes longer

To cook than to eat, then it’s

Not worth the bother.

Read and leave comments (1)

(I was inspired by Trevor Alexander's excellent villanelle explaining the form to write in this song why I dislike it so much)

 I swore I’d never write a villanelle

A complex form which fails to satisfy

But mostly awkward on the ears as well.

The 2nd line deceitfully foretells

A further line to rhyme along with “I”

But bugger me! Not in a villanelle.

Yet still t...

Read and leave comments (3)

(In response to Greg Freeman's call-out for villanelles, I re-post this effort of mine from 2014.  It tells of the cardinal sin a raw recruit would only ever make once when he entered a hand-filled coal face for the first time)

“There’s no bigger, silly bastard undergroun’

A disgrace to thee, ‘is mam an’ ‘is class

‘E took ‘is fuckin’ shovel wrong road roun’.

We’d walked back ...

Read and leave comments (4)

(There's a bit of skipping on the audio towards the end; not enough to detract from my dark brown tones)

Castleford’s Alfie is one of a kind

A more affable Alf it’d be hard to find

But Alfie won’t hold back from speaking his mind

That “kennel life is such a drag, mate”

Says Alfie the Property Magnate.

Of course he’s the owner of his detached home

Which didn’t need Al...

Read and leave comments (1)

(A re-post from when I wrote this about old people.  These days it could be me)

There’s a lady out there

And she can’t climb the stairs

At her bedtime which is

Half past seven;

She was lured was Aunt Hannah

By the junkmail from Stanner

Into buying their Stairlift

To Heaven.

But she found it so slow

When she needed to go -

Half an hour on the Stairlift

...

Read and leave comments (6)

I read now and then in the papers

In articles, posts and reports

Concerning the claims of trans people

Accessing elite womens’ sports.

Now don’t get me wrong at the outset

As I’m sure that my worldwide fans

Will vouch for my liberal credentials

I’ve nothing against someone trans.

Though I can’t claim to be any expert

As I’m sure that none of you can

But you don’t ofte...

Read and leave comments (13)

(Actually, fellas, get yersens tested!)

Got to bed around half past 10

Tossed and turned for an hour and then

Lord, lord, it can’t have been the booze;

I’d not had a drink since half past three

Nonetheless I still needed a pee

Lord, lord, I got Enlarged Prostate Blues.

Back to bed till a quarter to 2

Then, bugger me! I’m gonna need the loo

Lord, lord, I got Enl...

Read and leave comments (8)

It won’t have escaped the notice of those of you predisposed to commemorate such things that on March 8th it was International Women’s Day.  What you may not be aware of is that according to the website “National Day Calendar” IWD is one of 47 (yes, 47!) other World/International Days in March.

If you are so inclined you can participate in and celebrate (among others) :-

Read and leave comments (2)

Some 20-odd years ago I was having my eyes tested when the optician asked me,

“Do you have any trouble reading newsprint with your glasses on?”

“None at all” I told her.

She gave me a card with tiny writing on and I rattled through it quicksticks.

“Why do you ask?” I said.

“Because you will do soon.  I can see some deterioration in the muscles controlling…..” blah–di-blah-di-blah… (...

Read and leave comments (5)

(If Burns had been around today he might have written this instead)

My luve is lyke a red, red poppie coursing through my veines

It leads me to a better worlde by dullinge my life’s pains.

Your poppie stands for sacrifice, for blude on Flanders fielde

My poppies for oblivionne, from pain from whiche I shield.

It populates grasse verges of my sorrowes twisting laynes

My luve ...

Read and leave comments (9)

(It seems to be my lot in life to improve on the works of lesser poets than myself - in this case that loada bollocks by William Webb Ellis. A shameless repost from 2013)

I’m being followed by a wheelbarrow

Wheelbarrow, wheelbarrow.

Pulling my chickens in a wheelbarrow,

Wheelbarrow, wheelbarrow.

And if tha wond’rin’ “Is it red?”

Please thissen. I’ve not said.

And if ...

Read and leave comments (8)

(I found this old poem among my "back catalogue".  I don't think I've posted it before)

We slew the aurochs and the bear

The tiger skulking in his lair;

We cooked with fire and red hot stones

And sucked the fat from out the bones;

We worshipped gods of earth and sea

Of moon and sun, of hill and tree;

We made our offerings to each god

Of human heads and hearts and ...

Read and leave comments (1)

(I have just been fitted with hearing aids - a double-edged sword if ever there was one!)

Said the audiologist

“Do you hear what I hear?

Which conversations do you miss?

Do you hear what I hear?

Try to use this tiny little bug

And stuff it here in your lug;

Does clear stuff come now through the fug?”

“Whoa” I said “no need to shout,

I can hear what you hear;

Read and leave comments (7)

The terrors that mens’ prostates hold

Are troublesome and many fold

Retention, Urgency, Weak Stream

You grey-haired blokes know what these mean

But I shall concentrate upon

From all these aspects just on one

You’ve seen it takes us old blokes longer

To take a wazz than when we’re younger

Which is why to take a piss

We now no longer stand like this

But like the ladies...

Read and leave comments (8)

Not gonna raise a fuss, I'm not gonna blow a hoolie

Though other fans would like with a kick in the goolies

We know in our bones we’re gonna give the game away

That’s what it’s like to be a Spur – that’s just the price you pay;

We might be winning 1-0 but we know we’re gonna lose

But there ain’t no cure for the Extra-Time Blues.

For all Spurs supporters this outcome will alw...

Read and leave comments (4)

(There is a little skipping on the audio but it does not detract too much from my velvet tones)

For those of you under the age of 50 some explanation might be needed – probably on a number of levels.

First of all, “3d” was thre’pence under “old” money.

Second, the “d” stood for denarii – a valuable legacy of Roman coinage.

Third, and perhaps most important, you’ll need an understa...

Read and leave comments (13)

(Played appallingly on my home-made 3-string cigar box guitar)

Don’t donate blood anymore

Did it 50 times before

Now they’ve shown me to the door

Once this cut me to the core

Don’t donate blood anymore.

No more pin-holes in my arm

No more bruising, no more harm

No more causes for alarm

Not a quaver nor a qualm

This has worked out like a charm.

Yes, I...

Read and leave comments (4)