PRISON OVERCROWDING
I’ve got it! The solution to the above.
The situation has become exacerbated by the glut of brainless protesters and anti-protest protesters who are being pushed through the courts to administer swift deterrence (as opposed to punishment). The government’s remedy is to let out of prison other “bad lads” in order to make room.
The obvious solution, however, albeit a nettle feared to be gras...
Friday 6th September 2024 9:42 pm
"TWO WORLD WARS AND ONE WORLD CU-U-UP"
The chant of Eng-er-land football fans whenever we play Germany. In stark contrast in intellect when Germany won the final of the European Championship in 1996, their fans were singing,
“It’s coming home
It’s coming home
It’s coming
Football’s coming home”
In English.
But it is telling that a brand of Englishman takes credit for winning the Second World War, despite the fact th...
Monday 2nd September 2024 5:17 pm
WHEN GRANDAD COMES ROUND FOR TEA
(A poem I wrote for the kids and their grandad)
If Grandad should come round to our house sometime
For lunch or for dinner or tea
He’ll tell us he’s not a big eater these days
“Don’t serve up too much for me”.
He likes a red wine before his repas
It serves as aperitif
And anyway these days he can’t chew so well
Not with his NHS teeth.
In time we’ll sit dow...
Tuesday 27th August 2024 10:52 pm
YER DYSON AIRBLADE
We'd been to Designer Outlet
A day full of dull misery
I’d sampled a few cups of coffee
Which meant that I needed a pee.
I nipped to the public convenience
And read all the ads on the wall
Avoiding the one on Viagra
(A bloke was in the next stall).
But then as I left the urinals
I heard from the Ladies next door
The sound of a Dyson Airblade
Making its motorised ro...
Sunday 25th August 2024 10:25 pm
PACEMAKER
My heart was stronger than a Sulzer pump
It beat a steady 60bpm – thump thump thump
It’s seen me through rugby and marathons too
Those days when my ticker was nearly brand new.
These days I’m fitted with a Pacemaker
I had a problem that I never knew
Now the Old Ticker just needs a quick kick up the backside,
It’s gone askew;
That’s why I have to have a Pacemaker
I’m...
Thursday 22nd August 2024 10:42 pm
DOLLY PIECRUST
I’m sure that those of you who’ve been paying attention to my magnum opuseses will recollect a piece I posted some little while ago from my time in the mining industry and, specifically, about some of the characters it threw up. The malapropping Osbert Hartley and Alec Simmons, of whom it was said that “he’d fuck an old bayonet wound”. This piece, though, is about another of these real-life cart...
Tuesday 20th August 2024 9:53 pm
REDIFFUSION
While walking down the High Street
I wondered “Where’d they go?”
I looked for Rediffusion
But find it, could I? No!.
Before the time of mobile phones
If you’d want to know
The football scores at 5 o’clock
That was where you’d go.
Now where I once watched hoping
And praying Spurs won’t lose
It’s now a beauty parlour
Where you can get tattoos.
It d...
Sunday 18th August 2024 10:39 pm
I FOUGHT THE LAW
We thought we’d show they’re not welcome
So me and my mates and some Nazi scum
“Send them back to where they come from”
I fought the law but the law won.
I fought the law but the law won.
We set some wheelie bins alight
“Yorkshire! Yorkshire!”; find a fight
Falling for what Twitter spun
Ignorant or just plain dumb.
I fought the law but the law won.
I fought the l...
Tuesday 13th August 2024 8:47 pm
THE VERGER AND THE MAGISTRATE
Many of my worldwide fans will be aware that I ended my gainful employment some few years ago as verger at Selby Abbey. I thought it would be a good idea to try to atone for a lifetime's indiscretions. Indeed I did this so successfully that I now sit one rung down from the fucking angels.
This is a poem about me and a friend of mine (actually he was the best man at our wedding) who has become ...
Saturday 10th August 2024 10:26 pm
CORDUROY
These days I find it hard to catch
A lady’s eye (more so her snatch)
Until I found this secret ploy
I’ve started wearing corduroy;
Cos when they’ve reached a certain age
They can’t resist it brown or beige;
And, better still, their heartbeat races
If they’re held up by some braces.
This rarely fails but if it does
Fret ye not nor make a fuss
Cos deadly for a silv...
Wednesday 7th August 2024 10:40 pm
THE BLUE PLAQUE
In this house was Coopey born
This plaque says now he’s dead and gorn
For England 50 goals he claimed
Combined with those of Harry Kane
As Alan Turing in disguise
He also won the Nobel Prize
He made him look a sluggish dolt
When he raced that Usain Bolt
Amongst the literati too
Comparators were precious few
As general it’s Britain’s loss
He wore till death his pro...
Sunday 4th August 2024 10:35 pm
YER MORRIS 1800
(I was prompted to post this from my Greatest Hits back catalogue because I saw on Bangers and Cash that one of these "land crabs" as they were known fetched £7000 at auction)
Yer Morris 1800 motor car
Was not designed to travel very far;
It was the first one that I bought
And, sensibly, you might have thought
For ninety quid that I’d been caught
With “MUG” across my head.
...Tuesday 30th July 2024 9:14 pm
TEETHING TROUBLES
I remember my grandad telling me when I was little (about 3’ 6”, I’d guess) that, for a 21st birthday present for my grandma, he paid for her to have all her teeth out and dentures fitted. Apparently, that wasn’t uncommon in those days.
For one thing, it avoided a lifetime contending with rotting teeth and toothache. (I suspect lead toothpaste tubes might have played a part). But also, this ...
Sunday 21st July 2024 3:18 pm
DEAD FLOWERS
Once you stood up there And you didn’t have a care
Knowing that the outcome’s in the bag;
This time though to your cost You discovered that you lost
Sticking in your craw to make you gag.
Taken down, Lizzie Truss, You’ve been taken down
Where’s your hubris now and where’s your crown?
So we will send you dead flowers now you’re leaving
Lamenting once your star so briefly s...
Tuesday 16th July 2024 10:32 pm
SIXTEEN STONES (OF BLUBBER AND LARD)
(Some of you older gits might remember Tennessee Ernie Ford's copy of my original he entitled "Sixteen Tons")
Some people say a man is made out of mud
A poor man’s made out of muscle and blood
Muscle and blood and skin and bone
A mind that’s weak and a back that’s strong.
But this man’s not made out of muscle and bones
Too many chips and beers and cream scones
Too ...
Tuesday 9th July 2024 9:12 pm
BUDAPEST SHOES
It’s one of the least edifying episodes in Hungarian history. The country likes to look back on the heroism of the ’56 Uprising against Russian vassalage, but I discovered on a recent Danube cruise a reminder of a more shameful image of its past.
I was unaware of the “Budapest Shoes” until our visit there. These are iron sculptures of 60-odd pairs of shoes near the Parliament building by the ...
Monday 1st July 2024 12:11 pm
OUR GERT
(A rare love poem from Yours Truly)
I got Sunblest for my snap today
But if I protest I get it anyway
I hear you say
“Who is it treats me this way?”
Our Gert
I’m talking about Our Gert.
I like to see the sights when I’m on holiday
But she drags me round M&S and C&A.
I like to watch on TV Tottenham Hotspur play
But it’s “Friends” instead and not “Match ...
Friday 28th June 2024 8:40 pm
SIR RODNEY
I read recently on the BBC News website a story about a former Oxford student who was surprised to find that he was roomed next door to the Crown Prince of Japan, now Emperor Naruhito. It took my eye because I too was at University with royalty – namely Rodney Sempa (Anglicised name) the nephew of the previously deposed King of Uganda, who, although he was known as King Freddie, his full Sunday n...
Wednesday 26th June 2024 9:40 pm
THE LION RAMPANT
The odd defeat of England or a victory abroad
Constitute the rare times when the Lion Rampant roared.
They suffer renewed expectation as the game unfolds
Ignoring the same narrative that many time’s been told
A glass of Scotch half empty though is always full of Hope
But falling in the same trap twice is known as rope-a-dope
Then fervour breeds hysteria if Scotland first sho...
Monday 24th June 2024 6:28 pm
RESEARCH
(Prepare to be disappointed again)
A professor of medicine from Chile
Is conducting research you'd think silly
His study comprises
Comparing the sizes
(I can see that you've guessed) of men's willies.
It seems the good Doctor's detected
Amongst the sample selected
That phalluses fall
Into “normal” or “small”
(That's under 2 inch when erected).
But a ...
Monday 17th June 2024 10:56 pm
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN
Seven, Magnificent Seven
Mordaunt, Angela Rayner
And some others who have slipped my mind
Like What’s-Her-Name? and Who’s-His-Face?
Mordaunt, Penny Mordaunt
Rayner, Angela Rayner
And some talking heads that’s Also-Rans
Like What’s-Her-Name? and Who’s-His-Face?
Friday 7th June 2024 8:12 pm
THE DANUBE RIVER CRUISE
(Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink)
Those of you who have been paying attention will know that we’ve just been on a Danube cruise – our first river cruise although we’ve been on a few around the Med before Covid. There are a number of differences which I shan’t bore you with now (if I haven’t already) but there is one interesting similarity – toilet protocol.
On both types...
Friday 7th June 2024 1:26 am
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JUDE
(It was Our Gert's birthday yesterday as we came home from a Danube Cruise. I wrote this in her card)
I’m sitting now upon this bog
Completing here the Captain’s log
With all my might I push and shove
With all my heart I write with love
“I hope you’ve liked this Danube cruise
I hope you’ve drunk enough free booze
I know you ate enough free food
So Happy Birthday ...
Tuesday 4th June 2024 12:02 pm
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE KIDDING, MR STARMER?
Who do you think you are kidding Mr Starmer
If you think old Rishi’s done?
We are the boys who smashed down your North Red Wall
We are the boys who will bring about your fall;
So who do you think you are kidding Mr Starmer
If you think the voting’s won?
We don’t care about Lib Dems cos they will not perform
The Nationalists are shafted; we don’t care about Reform.
Who ...
Saturday 25th May 2024 10:52 pm
LIMP AND ANODYNE
I read recently that the children’s classic “Huckleberry Finn” had been removed from many school libraries on the basis that it is considered racist. It’s been years since I read it (Tom Sawyer too) so my memory is not sharp on this; but I am prepared to concede that it is racist if I am told so.
And a good thing too – not the racism but the banning. I see it as one more footstep towards our ...
Thursday 23rd May 2024 9:34 pm
WE'LL WIN THE LEAGUE NEXT YEAR
(A poem I could have written every year since 1961)
No question we will win the League next year
And he who doubts can only be a fool
For Tottenham Hotspur l’heure de gloire is near.
You other teams might scoff and gloat and jeer
That Spurs have dined so long on football gruel
But there’s no doubt we’ll win the League next year
Just mark my words – it’s time to ...
Monday 20th May 2024 5:03 pm
EDDIE TUPPER
It’s been a source of huge regret
That’s always bothered me
I never had a girlfriend with
An Eddie Tupper “V”.
I’ve loved girls who had long dark hair
And cocker spaniel eyes
But never dated anyone
With Eddie Tupper thighs.
I’ve loved girls who were graduates
Intelligent and wise
I’d swop that in a heartbeat though
For Eddie Tupper thighs.
And fac...
Tuesday 14th May 2024 5:52 pm
HIGH AND MIGHTY
You might think it specialised in Stetson hats
But no! it caters for blokes with huge stats
Though they don’t call the website “Lardarses and Fats”
For fear of offending them slightly
It goes by the name “High and Mighty”.
Its clientele all have an oversized girth
From shovelling chips in for all that they’re are worth
“Genetic” they’ll say, “I’ve been big from birth...
Tuesday 7th May 2024 9:17 pm
TUM-TITTY-TUM
Our Gert allus moans
At all of my poems
She says as the all sound the same;
Just tum-titty-tum
And tum-titty-tum
And tum-titty-tum again.
When she complains
I try to explain
I’m finding my feet as a bard;
But she says as my verse
Is getting much worse;
So I’m finding it ever so hard.
She says what I need
Is I ought to read
The Masters down liter...
Wednesday 1st May 2024 10:15 pm
SPRING CAFE
This homage is to Spring Café
(On Mondays sadly closed all day);
I seldom ever fail to stop
To call in at the Charity Shop
A welcome waits both warm and safe
For Charity’s in the Christian faith;
Among the diverse things they sell
Of course there’s clothes and books as well.
But at the bottom tucked away
You’ll find this wonderful café
It’s been here fo...
Sunday 28th April 2024 11:22 am
SWINGING
I saw it on the telly and I thought it looked like fun
Our Gert, though, wasn’t sure – she’s got the sex drive of a nun;
“Oh no! this really isn’t me” she said with coy reserve
But “Bugger that!” I thought “This is a treat that I deserve”.
I took her swinging
Our first time swinging
Which started with us innocently mingling;
But it wasn’t long before
She had got beyond the ...
Monday 22nd April 2024 10:50 pm
THE NOB NURSE 2
Before my dad shook a six the month before his 90th birthday, he told us about his encounter with The Nob Nurse. (Obviously, he didn’t tell us after!).
In his final years he was moved a fair few times from one nursing home to the next. In part this was to get him closer to the family support of myself and (primarily) my sister; but in part also because he was a cantankerous old bastard and th...
Thursday 18th April 2024 10:26 pm
I BOUGHT MY FRIEND A TORTOISE
(And now for some literary high-brow. Do try to keep up)
I bought my friend a tortoise
The best the shop could sell
He wondered what to name her
And settled on Michelle.
I have a Spanish girlfriend
For looks no one could beat her
She’s only got one front tooth
I call her my Juanita.
Oh,my! What a rotten song
What a rotten song
What a rotten song
Oh,my...
Monday 15th April 2024 5:39 pm
I SWORE I'D NEVER WRITE A VILLANELLE
(I was inspired by Trevor Alexander's excellent villanelle explaining the form to write in this song why I dislike it so much)
I swore I’d never write a villanelle
A complex form which fails to satisfy
But mostly awkward on the ears as well.
The 2nd line deceitfully foretells
A further line to rhyme along with “I”
But bugger me! Not in a villanelle.
Yet still t...
Monday 8th April 2024 10:06 pm
WRONG ROAD ROUN' (An Urban Villanelle)
(In response to Greg Freeman's call-out for villanelles, I re-post this effort of mine from 2014. It tells of the cardinal sin a raw recruit would only ever make once when he entered a hand-filled coal face for the first time)
“There’s no bigger, silly bastard undergroun’
A disgrace to thee, ‘is mam an’ ‘is class
‘E took ‘is fuckin’ shovel wrong road roun’.
We’d walked back ...
Wednesday 3rd April 2024 12:13 am
ALFIE THE PROPERTY MAGNATE
(There's a bit of skipping on the audio towards the end; not enough to detract from my dark brown tones)
Castleford’s Alfie is one of a kind
A more affable Alf it’d be hard to find
But Alfie won’t hold back from speaking his mind
That “kennel life is such a drag, mate”
Says Alfie the Property Magnate.
Of course he’s the owner of his detached home
Which didn’t need Al...
Monday 1st April 2024 10:28 pm
STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN
(A re-post from when I wrote this about old people. These days it could be me)
There’s a lady out there
And she can’t climb the stairs
At her bedtime which is
Half past seven;
She was lured was Aunt Hannah
By the junkmail from Stanner
Into buying their Stairlift
To Heaven.
But she found it so slow
When she needed to go -
Half an hour on the Stairlift
...
Wednesday 27th March 2024 4:48 pm
TRANSUBSTANTIATION
I read now and then in the papers
In articles, posts and reports
Concerning the claims of trans people
Accessing elite womens’ sports.
Now don’t get me wrong at the outset
As I’m sure that my worldwide fans
Will vouch for my liberal credentials
I’ve nothing against someone trans.
Though I can’t claim to be any expert
As I’m sure that none of you can
But you don’t ofte...
Monday 25th March 2024 1:10 pm
ENLARGED PROSTATE BLUES
(Actually, fellas, get yersens tested!)
Got to bed around half past 10
Tossed and turned for an hour and then
Lord, lord, it can’t have been the booze;
I’d not had a drink since half past three
Nonetheless I still needed a pee
Lord, lord, I got Enlarged Prostate Blues.
Back to bed till a quarter to 2
Then, bugger me! I’m gonna need the loo
Lord, lord, I got Enl...
Saturday 23rd March 2024 10:51 pm
INTERNATIONAL BUGGER ALL DAY
It won’t have escaped the notice of those of you predisposed to commemorate such things that on March 8th it was International Women’s Day. What you may not be aware of is that according to the website “National Day Calendar” IWD is one of 47 (yes, 47!) other World/International Days in March.
If you are so inclined you can participate in and celebrate (among others) :-
International Tra...Thursday 21st March 2024 10:07 pm
THE WORD AND THE DEED
Some 20-odd years ago I was having my eyes tested when the optician asked me,
“Do you have any trouble reading newsprint with your glasses on?”
“None at all” I told her.
She gave me a card with tiny writing on and I rattled through it quicksticks.
“Why do you ask?” I said.
“Because you will do soon. I can see some deterioration in the muscles controlling…..” blah–di-blah-di-blah… (...
Tuesday 19th March 2024 9:54 pm
MY LUVE IS LYKE A RED RED POPPIE
(If Burns had been around today he might have written this instead)
My luve is lyke a red, red poppie coursing through my veines
It leads me to a better worlde by dullinge my life’s pains.
Your poppie stands for sacrifice, for blude on Flanders fielde
My poppies for oblivionne, from pain from whiche I shield.
It populates grasse verges of my sorrowes twisting laynes
My luve ...
Sunday 17th March 2024 11:41 am
THE RED WHEELBARROW
(It seems to be my lot in life to improve on the works of lesser poets than myself - in this case that loada bollocks by William Webb Ellis. A shameless repost from 2013)
I’m being followed by a wheelbarrow
Wheelbarrow, wheelbarrow.
Pulling my chickens in a wheelbarrow,
Wheelbarrow, wheelbarrow.
And if tha wond’rin’ “Is it red?”
Please thissen. I’ve not said.
And if ...
Thursday 14th March 2024 11:55 am
BEAKER FOLK
(I found this old poem among my "back catalogue". I don't think I've posted it before)
We slew the aurochs and the bear
The tiger skulking in his lair;
We cooked with fire and red hot stones
And sucked the fat from out the bones;
We worshipped gods of earth and sea
Of moon and sun, of hill and tree;
We made our offerings to each god
Of human heads and hearts and ...
Monday 11th March 2024 11:11 pm
"DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?"
(I have just been fitted with hearing aids - a double-edged sword if ever there was one!)
Said the audiologist
“Do you hear what I hear?
Which conversations do you miss?
Do you hear what I hear?
Try to use this tiny little bug
And stuff it here in your lug;
Does clear stuff come now through the fug?”
“Whoa” I said “no need to shout,
I can hear what you hear;
...Friday 8th March 2024 1:03 am
FROM EAST-NORTH-EAST TO WEST-NORTH-WEST
The terrors that mens’ prostates hold
Are troublesome and many fold
Retention, Urgency, Weak Stream
You grey-haired blokes know what these mean
But I shall concentrate upon
From all these aspects just on one
You’ve seen it takes us old blokes longer
To take a wazz than when we’re younger
Which is why to take a piss
We now no longer stand like this
But like the ladies...
Monday 4th March 2024 7:06 pm
EXTRA-TIME BLUES
Not gonna raise a fuss, I'm not gonna blow a hoolie
Though other fans would like with a kick in the goolies
We know in our bones we’re gonna give the game away
That’s what it’s like to be a Spur – that’s just the price you pay;
We might be winning 1-0 but we know we’re gonna lose
But there ain’t no cure for the Extra-Time Blues.
For all Spurs supporters this outcome will alw...
Saturday 2nd March 2024 9:45 pm
"3d BACK ON THE BOTTLE"
(There is a little skipping on the audio but it does not detract too much from my velvet tones)
For those of you under the age of 50 some explanation might be needed – probably on a number of levels.
First of all, “3d” was thre’pence under “old” money.
Second, the “d” stood for denarii – a valuable legacy of Roman coinage.
Third, and perhaps most important, you’ll need an understa...
Wednesday 28th February 2024 11:28 am
BLOOD TRANSFUSION WHORE
(Played appallingly on my home-made 3-string cigar box guitar)
Don’t donate blood anymore
Did it 50 times before
Now they’ve shown me to the door
Once this cut me to the core
Don’t donate blood anymore.
No more pin-holes in my arm
No more bruising, no more harm
No more causes for alarm
Not a quaver nor a qualm
This has worked out like a charm.
Yes, I...
Monday 26th February 2024 4:44 pm
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