This is the name of a pub in Leeds.  The words is not in my Concise Shorter Oxford but I think it is best not to know. (I know what one is).

One for vengeance, one for blood

Watching, waiting, ever still;

By a pulsing body stood,

Hooded, The Three Hulats.

Two for Death and two for Life

Dancing in between those scales;

Arbiters of Pain and Strife,

Grinning, Th...

Read and leave comments (6)

To all you brave young shavers contemplating marriage vows

I offer this advice to ward off arguments and rows.

The Vicar he will tell you, ‘‘Marriage is a partnership’’

But very soon you’ll find out when the pretence starts to slip

That your experience mirrors mine which (only half in jest)

Is on every single matter –

I’ve found Our Gert knows best.

You may think the tim...

Read and leave comments (7)

(I might have missed this opportunity were it not for Leonidas's reminder.  I am still a little unsure of the ending.  Do I ground it properly?  Let me have your thoughts.)

Raise your voices; have your say!

International Women’s Day.

Banish weakness.  Let’s be strong.

Time to right what has been wrong.

Linking arms in sisterhood,

Pledged to Justice, pledged to Good.

Stand...

Read and leave comments (8)

The world is on a knife edge as old certainties now cease

What once was prized and valued is now but considered junk

The Devil sometimes comes, it's said, as a Man of Peace

So I wouldn't trust that orange twat as far as I could spunk.

Read and leave comments (4)

Come round our house and take a look

At what my wife has tried to cook;

Then start your effin' and your jeffin'

(I'm prepared to do the reffin'

Between a gobshite and Our Gert);

Let's see which one of you gets hurt!

Read and leave comments (1)

Dear Mr Musk,

You recently invited me to bullet-point my accomplishments for the past week.

Herewith my most noteworthy achievements.

On Monday I was late – I'd left my clock upon the shelf; but on the plus side like a grown-up washed and dressed myself

Tuesday was a better day – I cannot tell a lie; egg and chips for dinner, though I spilled it down my tie

On Wednes...

Read and leave comments (7)

(A re-post from 10 years ago when I was young and foolish and wrote nonsense such as this)

I met her in a bar

When I worked in Stranraer

Where she cried in the corner

So I went so far

As to console her.

She looked up at me

So then I could see

The blood and the snot;

She’d broke her tooth –

It was a molar

(Or perhaps a praemolar;

No, no, it was a mol...

Read and leave comments (6)

(The tune and accompaniment is hung loosely on Reverend Gary Davis's "Cocaine Blues")
 

Yonder comes my baby dressed in green

I've got the simplest plan you ever have seen

Ukraine – I'll flush you down the drain.

Yonder comes my baby dressed in white

It's all so easy just to end this fight

Ukraine – I'll flush you down the drain.

Hey hey, Putin won't you join me quick

Read and leave comments (6)

I tell myself I've had enough

I'm feeling down I'm feeling rough;

I'll give up fags; I'll give up beer

I'll maybe start a new career.

But then I see he's on the news

That's when I start to lift these blues

He'll look so sharp, so clean, so neat

There's no way that I can compete.

Let it please be him

Oh Dear God, it must be Kim

It must be Kim Oh please appear.

...

Read and leave comments (2)

(Says Mr Fynn, Mine Manager

"What the fuck is this?"

Says Andy Goose, his deputy

"It stinks like Devil's Piss!")

During the Miner's Strike of 1984/85 I worked at North Gawber Mine near Barnsley providing safety cover to the engineers and managers doing underground inspections.

Besides offering access to the mine for men and materials, shafts also provided ventilation, the downc...

Read and leave comments (2)

My man he is a strange one

Though most men seem the same

It's something I've got used to, though

At first I just felt shame.

He seems to have this fetish

Which other men do too

A morbid fascination

To watch me have a poo.

For me it's something normal

That answers Nature's call

And not a weird obsession

For fetishists at all.

But no sooner have I done my poo

H...

Read and leave comments (3)

When I was a young man and in my prime (a teenager) I took lessons in Aikido – a martial art form more deadly even than full contact origami.

I happened to mention to the tutor, a middle aged man who floated about most of the time in flowing robes, that I played rugby.

“Let me show you how to evade tackles using Aikido skills” he said. “Come at me with a tackle”.

I took a step or two back...

Read and leave comments (4)

Two farthings make an 'ape'ny

(That's halfpenny for short)

Two 'ape'nies make a penny

Like two pints make a quart;

Three pennies make a thrup'ny bit

And six of them a tanner

Two tanners make a bob

King George never never never shaves his nob

But I digress

Two bobs and a half a bob

Made up a half a crown

You've nearly bought a dog licence

A third of it paid down.

Read and leave comments (3)

(We visited Auschwitz in October last year.  Our tour guide had a personal connection with the camp as her uncles who had been in the resistance were tortured and killed there. As she pointed out the killing grounds - the gas chambers, the gallows, the firing squad yard the starvation cells, the torture yards, she would repeat the phrase "All roads lead to death".

A triolet. My poem for Interna...

Read and leave comments (8)

And you've never heard of him.

You, have, no doubt, heard of and probably lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962, when, it's said, the world came the closest it's been to a global nuclear war. What you almost certainly aren't aware of is just how close that was – and it had nothing to do directly with those missiles.

What has subsequently been disclosed in 2002 is that during that cr...

Read and leave comments (5)

(I thought it worthwhile to refresh your memories on why you voted for Brexit.  A re-post from 2016)

The nation has got in a hell of a state

Let’s get out of Europe and make Britain great

Let’s pull up the drawbridge and then start anew.

And blame it on Hollande and Merkel’s EU.

This European Union is quite a rum do

We English are much better off without you.

We...

Read and leave comments (16)

Before I begin I ought to insert

A warning by way of a spoiler alert;

Your ears best plug up and your eyes best avert

For a tale you might find a bit racy -

The Ballad of Gavin and Stacey.

The story's finale was screened Christmas Day;

I missed it myself much to my dismay,

We'd not been at home but spent Christmas away

But couldn't wait to learn, I confess

If Smithy...

Read and leave comments (4)

There was a lot of stockings and wrinkled old tights

Snoozing time – not a pretty sight

Just down past the ankles some knickers were hung

The smell of piss was coming on strong.

The Saturday night beetle drive had already started

As Madge and her girls sprang into action

Deaf Millie slowly woke and opened one eye

Said, “Tonight of all nights there’s gonna be a fight”.

Milli...

Read and leave comments (2)