We voted in our millions – our democratic say;

The Tories were defeated; we blew Rees Mogg away;

But once we'd taken office we very quickly found

They'd hidden a black hole from us of £20b.

It needed rectifying come what may

But it ain't me, babe

No, no, no, it ain't me, babe

It ain't me what's gonna pay.

The deficit wants funding – on that we all agreed

We cannot g...

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(It might have been Cocaine for Eric Clapton and JJ Cale but it's an altogether different story for me)

If you're living on beans the consequence means

Methane

And likewise no doubt are boiled brussel sprouts

For Methane

You'll soon lose your chums with what comes from your bum

Methane

So, quick! Blame the dog; then it's off to the bog

Methane

Know well, t...

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Faisal was a barber

He worked at Turkish Joe's

He'd snip off your unwanted hair

From places where it growed

He was the Yorkshire Champion

He specialised in “Nose”.

He beat the best in Barnsley

And Gary Grant from Goole

And Scissors Spike from Heckmondwike

Whose towels were judged too cool

Then Razor Ron from Rotherham

Reputed to be cruel.

His prize was...

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Wojtek was a private

But Wojtek was much more

And at Monte Cassino

Wojtek went to war;

He carried ammunition

The Germans were in awe

Of Wojtek who was legend in

The Polish 2nd Corps;

Wojtek liked his cigarettes

And Wojtek liked a beer

He wrestled and he danced with

Colleagues Wojtek loved so dear;

And when the war was over

To Edinburgh he came

He died in 1...

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(I cannot take any credit/blame for the brilliant title which I have heard elsewhere before.  Also apologies for the problems i seem to be having getting the guitar accompaniment to record properly.)

Hey, Mr Tangerine Man

Back once more I see

Master of the land from Florida right up to Maine

And hey, Mr Tangerine Man

Scourge of refugees

With your second chance to Make the US...

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(Apologies for the poor sound quality of the guitar accompaniment leaving my singing even more exposed)

So here's to you, Tommy Robinson

Prison holds a place for you today

Hey hey hey.

Enjoy yourself Tommy Robinson

Locked up 18 months; enjoy your stay.

Hey hey hey.

Now it's come home Tommy Robinson

Hounding refugees was just good sport

It's good to know Tommy R...

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To prevent you causing trouble these guidelines I will set

Which you should follow faithfully – your toilet etiquette.

It's always a conundrum that you'll have seen first hand

At which of the urinals you should opt to stand;

Take this formation if you will – there's four urinal loos,

A bloke is stood at Number 1, so which one should you choose?

The obvious one is Number 4 to give...

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In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

All roads lead to death

Treblinka, Sobibor, Dachau

In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

Jehovah will not help you now

We took our last sweet breath

In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

All roads lead to death.

In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

By bullet and by gas

Or by starvation this was how

In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

The whole wide world would ...

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(Prompted by yesterday's flight home from Malaga)

Flying home from Sicily

I found myself booked in Seat B

You've guessed – the middle one of three

Between The Two Fat Slags;

Once seated I could quickly tell

Their scent was not Coco Chanel

But rather a more acrid smell

Of armpits, beer and fags.

It seemed from how these girls would speak

They'd been away...

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There’s no more boring chore in life

Than to wait behind your wife

While she’s looking for a handbag or a dress

Our Gert had thought I’d lost her

But I’d slipped away to Costa

For a coffee while she shopped at M & S.

Since they use a stronger bean

Their Flat White always seems

A tasty and invigorating brew

To be sure to get a seat

To enjoy this leisured treat

...

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Let me put this out there straight away.  Freddie Tyas was called “Spaz”.  I can’t help that.  He was.

I’m talking here about my schooldays in the 60’s.  If you’ve seen any of those TV programmes like “It Was Alright in the 80’s” you’ll understand that it was alright in the 80’s.  Twenty years earlier in the 60’s it was even more “alright”.  We were closer to World War 1 than the 60’s are to us...

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We made our way to bed one night

I pulled down all the blinds

We kissed by filtered moonlight

Passion in our minds.

My wife broke from our close embrace

“I won’t be long.  Don’t go”

And headed for the bathroom door

Then cruelly stubbed her toe.

She cried in pain and anguish

Which turned to plaintive sob

Her toe turned black in anger

Continuing to throb.

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(A re-post of an earlier one from 2020 - 4 years ahead of its time)

What a nonsense this is; that someone as rich as Croesus like me should be eligible.  The reason is because it’s a universal payment, the only qualifications being that you are over state pension age and lived in the UK for at least one day in the last week of September.

You don’t even need to be alive. My dad qualified...

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I watched my MaTb and OTeU starve

Wishing they were dead

I loved them both with all my heart

But needed more their bread.

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I’ve got it!  The solution to the above.

The situation has become exacerbated by the glut of brainless protesters and anti-protest protesters who are being pushed through the courts to administer swift deterrence (as opposed to punishment).  The government’s remedy is to let out of prison other “bad lads” in order to make room.

The obvious solution, however, albeit a nettle feared to be gras...

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The chant of Eng-er-land football fans whenever we play Germany.  In stark contrast in intellect  when Germany won the final of the European Championship in 1996, their fans were singing,

“It’s coming home

It’s coming home

It’s coming

Football’s coming home”

In English.

But it is telling that a brand of Englishman takes credit for winning the Second World War, despite the fact th...

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(A poem I wrote for the kids and their grandad)

If Grandad should come round to our house sometime

For lunch or for dinner or tea

He’ll tell us he’s not a big eater these days

“Don’t serve up too much for me”.

He likes a red wine before his repas

It serves as aperitif

And anyway these days he can’t chew so well

Not with his NHS teeth.

In time we’ll sit dow...

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We'd been to Designer Outlet

A day full of dull misery

I’d sampled a few cups of coffee

Which meant that I needed a pee.

I nipped to the public convenience

And read all the ads on the wall

Avoiding the one on Viagra

(A bloke was in the next stall).

But then as I left the urinals

I heard from the Ladies next door

The sound of a Dyson Airblade

Making its motorised ro...

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My heart was stronger than a Sulzer pump

It beat a steady 60bpm – thump thump thump

It’s seen me through rugby and marathons too

Those days when my ticker was nearly brand new.

These days I’m fitted with a Pacemaker

I had a problem that I never knew

Now the Old Ticker just needs a quick kick up the backside,

It’s gone askew;

That’s why I have to have a Pacemaker

I’m...

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I’m sure that those of you who’ve been paying attention to my magnum opuseses will recollect a piece I posted some little while ago from my time in the mining industry and, specifically, about some of the characters it threw up.  The malapropping Osbert Hartley and Alec Simmons, of whom it was said that “he’d fuck an old bayonet wound”.  This piece, though, is about another of these real-life cart...

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While walking down the High Street

I wondered “Where’d they go?”

I looked for Rediffusion

But find it, could I?  No!.

Before the time of mobile phones

If you’d want to know

The football scores at 5 o’clock

That was where you’d go.

Now where I once watched hoping

And praying Spurs won’t lose

It’s now a beauty parlour

Where you can get tattoos.

It d...

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We thought we’d show they’re not welcome

So me and my mates and some Nazi scum

“Send them back to where they come from”

I fought the law but the law won.

I fought the law but the law won.

We set some wheelie bins alight

“Yorkshire! Yorkshire!”; find a fight

Falling for what Twitter spun

Ignorant or just plain dumb.

I fought the law but the law won.

I fought the l...

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Many of my worldwide fans will be aware that I ended my gainful employment some few years ago as verger at Selby Abbey. I thought it would be a good idea to try to atone for a lifetime's indiscretions.  Indeed I did this so successfully that I now sit one rung down from the fucking angels.

This is a poem about me and a friend of mine (actually he was the best man at our wedding) who has become ...

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These days I find it hard to catch

A lady’s eye (more so her snatch)

Until I found this secret ploy

I’ve started wearing corduroy;

Cos when they’ve reached a certain age

They can’t resist it brown or beige;

And, better still, their heartbeat races

If they’re held up by some braces.

This rarely fails but if it does

Fret ye not nor make a fuss

Cos deadly for a silv...

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In this house was Coopey born

This plaque says now he’s dead and gorn

For England 50 goals he claimed

Combined with those of Harry Kane

As Alan Turing in disguise

He also won the Nobel Prize

He made him look a sluggish dolt

When he raced that Usain Bolt

Amongst the literati too

Comparators were precious few

As general it’s Britain’s loss

He wore till death his pro...

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(I was prompted to post this from my Greatest Hits back catalogue because I saw on Bangers and Cash that one of these "land crabs" as they were known fetched £7000 at auction)

Yer Morris 1800 motor car

Was not designed to travel very far;

It was the first one that I bought

And, sensibly, you might have thought

For ninety quid that I’d been caught

With “MUG” across my head.

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I remember my grandad telling me when I was little (about 3’ 6”, I’d guess) that, for a 21st birthday present for my grandma, he paid for her to have all her teeth out and dentures fitted.  Apparently, that wasn’t uncommon in those days.

For one thing, it avoided a lifetime contending with rotting teeth and toothache.  (I suspect lead toothpaste tubes might have played a part).  But also, this ...

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Once you stood up there And you didn’t have a care

Knowing that the outcome’s in the bag;

This time though to your cost You discovered that you lost

Sticking in your craw to make you gag.

Taken down, Lizzie Truss, You’ve been taken down

Where’s your hubris now and where’s your crown?

So we will send you dead flowers now you’re leaving

Lamenting once your star so briefly s...

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(Some of you older gits might remember Tennessee Ernie Ford's copy of my original he entitled "Sixteen Tons")

Some people say a man is made out of mud

A poor   man’s made out of muscle and blood

Muscle and blood and skin and bone

A mind that’s weak and a back that’s strong.

But this man’s not made out of muscle and bones

Too many chips and beers and cream scones

Too ...

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It’s one of the least edifying episodes in Hungarian history.  The country likes to look back on the heroism of the ’56 Uprising against Russian vassalage, but I discovered on a recent Danube cruise a reminder of a more shameful image of its past.

I was unaware of the “Budapest Shoes” until our visit there.  These are iron sculptures of 60-odd pairs of shoes near the Parliament building by the ...

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(A rare love poem from Yours Truly)

I got Sunblest for my snap today

But if I protest I get it anyway

I hear you say

“Who is it treats me this way?”

Our Gert

I’m talking about Our Gert.

I like to see the sights when I’m on holiday

But she drags me round M&S and C&A.

I like to watch on TV Tottenham Hotspur play

But it’s “Friends” instead and not “Match ...

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I read recently on the BBC News website a story about a former Oxford student who was surprised to find that he was roomed next door to the Crown Prince of Japan, now Emperor Naruhito.  It took my eye because I too was at University with royalty – namely Rodney Sempa (Anglicised name) the nephew of the previously deposed King of Uganda, who, although he was known as King Freddie, his full Sunday n...

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The odd defeat of England or a victory abroad

Constitute the rare times when the Lion Rampant roared.

They suffer renewed expectation as the game unfolds

Ignoring the same narrative that many time’s been told

A glass of Scotch half empty though is always full of Hope

But falling in the same trap twice is known as rope-a-dope

Then fervour breeds hysteria if Scotland first sho...

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(Prepare to be disappointed again)

A professor of medicine from Chile

Is conducting research you'd think silly

His study comprises

Comparing the sizes

(I can see that you've guessed) of men's willies.

It seems the good Doctor's detected

Amongst the sample selected

That phalluses fall

Into “normal” or “small”

(That's under 2 inch when erected).

But a ...

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Seven, Magnificent Seven

Mordaunt, Angela Rayner

And some others who have slipped my mind

Like What’s-Her-Name? and Who’s-His-Face?

Mordaunt, Penny Mordaunt

Rayner, Angela Rayner

And some talking heads that’s Also-Rans

Like What’s-Her-Name? and Who’s-His-Face?

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(Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink)

Those of you who have been paying attention will know that we’ve just been on a Danube cruise – our first river cruise although we’ve been on a few around the Med before Covid.  There are a number of differences which I shan’t bore you with now (if I haven’t already) but there is one interesting similarity – toilet protocol.

On both types...

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(It was Our Gert's birthday yesterday as we came home from a Danube Cruise.  I wrote this in her card)

I’m sitting now upon this bog

Completing here the Captain’s log

With all my might I push and shove

With all my heart I write with love

“I hope you’ve liked this Danube cruise

I hope you’ve drunk enough free booze

I know you ate enough free food

So Happy Birthday ...

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Who do you think you are kidding Mr Starmer

If you think old Rishi’s done?

We are the boys who smashed down your North Red Wall

We are the boys who will bring about your fall;

So who do you think you are kidding Mr Starmer

If you think the voting’s won?

We don’t care about Lib Dems cos they will not perform

The Nationalists are shafted; we don’t care about Reform.

Who ...

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I read recently that the children’s classic “Huckleberry Finn” had been removed from many school libraries on the basis that it is considered racist.  It’s been years since I read it (Tom Sawyer too) so my memory is not sharp on this; but I am prepared to concede that it is racist if I am told so.

And a good thing too – not the racism but the banning.  I see it as one more footstep towards our ...

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(A poem I could have written every year since 1961)

No question we will win the League next year

And he who doubts can only be a fool

For Tottenham Hotspur l’heure de gloire is near.

You other teams might scoff and gloat and jeer

That Spurs have dined so long on football gruel

But there’s no doubt we’ll win the League next year

Just mark my words – it’s time to ...

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It’s been a source of huge regret

That’s always bothered me

I never had a girlfriend with

An Eddie Tupper “V”.

I’ve loved girls who had long dark hair

And cocker spaniel eyes

But never dated anyone

With Eddie Tupper thighs.

I’ve loved girls who were graduates

Intelligent and wise

I’d swop that in a heartbeat though

For Eddie Tupper thighs.

And fac...

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You might think it specialised in Stetson hats

But no! it caters for blokes with huge stats

Though they don’t call the website “Lardarses and Fats”

For fear of offending them slightly

It goes by the name “High and Mighty”.

Its clientele all have an oversized girth

From shovelling chips in for all that they’re are worth

“Genetic” they’ll say, “I’ve been big from birth...

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Our Gert allus moans

At all of my poems

She says as the all sound the same;

Just tum-titty-tum

And tum-titty-tum

And tum-titty-tum again.

When she complains

I try to explain

I’m finding my feet as a bard;

But she says as my verse

Is getting much worse;

So I’m finding it ever so hard.

She says what I need

Is I ought to read

The Masters down liter...

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This homage is to Spring Café

(On Mondays sadly closed all day);

I seldom ever fail to stop

To call in at the Charity Shop

A welcome waits both warm and safe

For Charity’s in the Christian faith;

Among the diverse things they sell

Of course there’s clothes and books as well.

But at the bottom tucked away

You’ll find this wonderful café

It’s been here fo...

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I saw it on the telly and I thought it looked like fun

Our Gert, though, wasn’t sure – she’s got the sex drive of a nun;

“Oh no! this really isn’t me” she said with coy reserve

But “Bugger that!” I thought “This is a treat that I deserve”.

I took her swinging

Our first time swinging

Which started with us innocently mingling;

But it wasn’t long before

She had got beyond the ...

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Before my dad shook a six the month before his 90th birthday, he told us about his encounter with The Nob Nurse.  (Obviously, he didn’t tell us after!).

In his final years he was moved a fair few times from one nursing home to the next.  In part this was to get him closer to the family support of myself and (primarily) my sister; but in part also because he was a cantankerous old bastard and th...

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(And now for some literary high-brow.  Do try to keep up)

I bought my friend a tortoise

The best the shop could sell

He wondered what to name her

And settled on Michelle.

I have a Spanish girlfriend

For looks no one could beat her

She’s only got one front tooth

I call her my Juanita.

Oh,my! What a rotten song

What a rotten song

What a rotten song

Oh,my...

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If it takes longer

To cook than to eat, then it’s

Not worth the bother.

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(I was inspired by Trevor Alexander's excellent villanelle explaining the form to write in this song why I dislike it so much)

 I swore I’d never write a villanelle

A complex form which fails to satisfy

But mostly awkward on the ears as well.

The 2nd line deceitfully foretells

A further line to rhyme along with “I”

But bugger me! Not in a villanelle.

Yet still t...

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(In response to Greg Freeman's call-out for villanelles, I re-post this effort of mine from 2014.  It tells of the cardinal sin a raw recruit would only ever make once when he entered a hand-filled coal face for the first time)

“There’s no bigger, silly bastard undergroun’

A disgrace to thee, ‘is mam an’ ‘is class

‘E took ‘is fuckin’ shovel wrong road roun’.

We’d walked back ...

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