There's pads that you find on a puppy dog's feet

There's pads that are cushions on your three-piece suite

There's pads that you write on sheet after sheet

To these though I now have to add

My fucking incontinence pad.

When younger my dotage I thought through and planned

I knew that my hour glass would one day lose sand

And that, for example, my waist would expand

But w...

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(A true story about Our Gert's naivety)

She keeps selling where she shouldn't be selling

I tell her but it's something she's not learnt

She'll advertise in public on that ebay

And now she's gone and got her fingers burnt.

Those boots weren't meant for selling

On such a public space

Now Our Gert has ended up with “egg” upon her face.

“I've seen those boots you...

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Listen. Do you want to know a secret?

Do you promise not to tell?

Whoa who-o-o-o-a.

Yemen. Where the fuck is that?

Never mind. Just bomb it flat.

Keep this a secret between we few.

Oh, shit a brick! Here's a jounalist too.

Blimey! Who's the silly twat

Invited Goldberg to this chat?

(Blame it on Mike waltz)

Closer. Time to close up ranks.

Ca...

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John (The Hat) Keenan was a local miscreant of some renown.  He was recently found dead in his cell in Armley Prison.  He was a drugs dealer, but more Arthur Daley than Pablo Escobar.  The drugs he smuggled and dealt in were hookey Indian Viagra.  I wrote this homage to him a few years ago.

There’s a bloke goes down our pub – he’ll be prob’ly scoffing grub

With the chips he eats he’ll n...

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This is the name of a pub in Leeds.  The words is not in my Concise Shorter Oxford but I think it is best not to know. (I know what one is).

One for vengeance, one for blood

Watching, waiting, ever still;

By a pulsing body stood,

Hooded, The Three Hulats.

Two for Death and two for Life

Dancing in between those scales;

Arbiters of Pain and Strife,

Grinning, Th...

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To all you brave young shavers contemplating marriage vows

I offer this advice to ward off arguments and rows.

The Vicar he will tell you, ‘‘Marriage is a partnership’’

But very soon you’ll find out when the pretence starts to slip

That your experience mirrors mine which (only half in jest)

Is on every single matter –

I’ve found Our Gert knows best.

You may think the tim...

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(I might have missed this opportunity were it not for Leonidas's reminder.  I am still a little unsure of the ending.  Do I ground it properly?  Let me have your thoughts.)

Raise your voices; have your say!

International Women’s Day.

Banish weakness.  Let’s be strong.

Time to right what has been wrong.

Linking arms in sisterhood,

Pledged to Justice, pledged to Good.

Stand...

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The world is on a knife edge as old certainties now cease

What once was prized and valued is now but considered junk

The Devil sometimes comes, it's said, as a Man of Peace

So I wouldn't trust that orange twat as far as I could spunk.

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Come round our house and take a look

At what my wife has tried to cook;

Then start your effin' and your jeffin'

(I'm prepared to do the reffin'

Between a gobshite and Our Gert);

Let's see which one of you gets hurt!

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Dear Mr Musk,

You recently invited me to bullet-point my accomplishments for the past week.

Herewith my most noteworthy achievements.

On Monday I was late – I'd left my clock upon the shelf; but on the plus side like a grown-up washed and dressed myself

Tuesday was a better day – I cannot tell a lie; egg and chips for dinner, though I spilled it down my tie

On Wednes...

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(A re-post from 10 years ago when I was young and foolish and wrote nonsense such as this)

I met her in a bar

When I worked in Stranraer

Where she cried in the corner

So I went so far

As to console her.

She looked up at me

So then I could see

The blood and the snot;

She’d broke her tooth –

It was a molar

(Or perhaps a praemolar;

No, no, it was a mol...

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(The tune and accompaniment is hung loosely on Reverend Gary Davis's "Cocaine Blues")
 

Yonder comes my baby dressed in green

I've got the simplest plan you ever have seen

Ukraine – I'll flush you down the drain.

Yonder comes my baby dressed in white

It's all so easy just to end this fight

Ukraine – I'll flush you down the drain.

Hey hey, Putin won't you join me quick

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I tell myself I've had enough

I'm feeling down I'm feeling rough;

I'll give up fags; I'll give up beer

I'll maybe start a new career.

But then I see he's on the news

That's when I start to lift these blues

He'll look so sharp, so clean, so neat

There's no way that I can compete.

Let it please be him

Oh Dear God, it must be Kim

It must be Kim Oh please appear.

...

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(Says Mr Fynn, Mine Manager

"What the fuck is this?"

Says Andy Goose, his deputy

"It stinks like Devil's Piss!")

During the Miner's Strike of 1984/85 I worked at North Gawber Mine near Barnsley providing safety cover to the engineers and managers doing underground inspections.

Besides offering access to the mine for men and materials, shafts also provided ventilation, the downc...

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My man he is a strange one

Though most men seem the same

It's something I've got used to, though

At first I just felt shame.

He seems to have this fetish

Which other men do too

A morbid fascination

To watch me have a poo.

For me it's something normal

That answers Nature's call

And not a weird obsession

For fetishists at all.

But no sooner have I done my poo

H...

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When I was a young man and in my prime (a teenager) I took lessons in Aikido – a martial art form more deadly even than full contact origami.

I happened to mention to the tutor, a middle aged man who floated about most of the time in flowing robes, that I played rugby.

“Let me show you how to evade tackles using Aikido skills” he said. “Come at me with a tackle”.

I took a step or two back...

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Two farthings make an 'ape'ny

(That's halfpenny for short)

Two 'ape'nies make a penny

Like two pints make a quart;

Three pennies make a thrup'ny bit

And six of them a tanner

Two tanners make a bob

King George never never never shaves his nob

But I digress

Two bobs and a half a bob

Made up a half a crown

You've nearly bought a dog licence

A third of it paid down.

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Not enough pressure

These days I cannot see it

It's not long enough

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(We visited Auschwitz in October last year.  Our tour guide had a personal connection with the camp as her uncles who had been in the resistance were tortured and killed there. As she pointed out the killing grounds - the gas chambers, the gallows, the firing squad yard the starvation cells, the torture yards, she would repeat the phrase "All roads lead to death".

A triolet. My poem for Interna...

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And you've never heard of him.

You, have, no doubt, heard of and probably lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962, when, it's said, the world came the closest it's been to a global nuclear war. What you almost certainly aren't aware of is just how close that was – and it had nothing to do directly with those missiles.

What has subsequently been disclosed in 2002 is that during that cr...

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(I thought it worthwhile to refresh your memories on why you voted for Brexit.  A re-post from 2016)

The nation has got in a hell of a state

Let’s get out of Europe and make Britain great

Let’s pull up the drawbridge and then start anew.

And blame it on Hollande and Merkel’s EU.

This European Union is quite a rum do

We English are much better off without you.

We...

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Am I the only person who doesn't buy into the St Martin Lewis brand?

"I was talking to the Chancellor the other day ...."

"I have advised The Bank of England ...."

Self-important prick, if you ask me.

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Before I begin I ought to insert

A warning by way of a spoiler alert;

Your ears best plug up and your eyes best avert

For a tale you might find a bit racy -

The Ballad of Gavin and Stacey.

The story's finale was screened Christmas Day;

I missed it myself much to my dismay,

We'd not been at home but spent Christmas away

But couldn't wait to learn, I confess

If Smithy...

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There was a lot of stockings and wrinkled old tights

Snoozing time – not a pretty sight

Just down past the ankles some knickers were hung

The smell of piss was coming on strong.

The Saturday night beetle drive had already started

As Madge and her girls sprang into action

Deaf Millie slowly woke and opened one eye

Said, “Tonight of all nights there’s gonna be a fight”.

Milli...

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As if any more proof were needed of the threat I pose to the existing world order, I received, by e-mail on Christmas Eve, a death threat. Honestly. No joke.

It came from The Black Shadow, a hired assassin who had been paid an “enormous sum of money” to expedite my demise. This surprised me as anyone could nudge me off my pushbike for nothing. They said that they had been following my every mov...

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(Am I the only person ever to think that the WASPI claim for pension compensation for women to reflect the
change in age entitlement was spurious? Was it wrong to be equalised with men's?  It was introduced in 1995 with subsequent amendments..  How much more notification would have been needed?  A re-post of mine from some years ago.)

She will get her pension same as me

She says she wa...

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It's one of the mantras of feminism that history was written by men. (Thinking about it, shouldn't that be “womantras”?).

Anyway, the thing is, they're right.

Prior to events being recorded in written form (one of the things that defines “history”) which would have been around 5000 years ago, events, stories and traditions were passed on orally – a concept we might differentiate from “histor...

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The torture and the tyranny at last are overthrown

The hopes and flags of freedom from Aleppo now are flown

But tearing down is easy whilst rebuilding - who can tell?

So scepticism gnaws at me - I fear it won't end well.

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(An inferior homage to the original of that master wordsmith, Benny Hill)

The crocus and the hostas raise your mother’s memory

I recall the vile old crow cos she looked like a hoss to me

The cowslips bring back memories where they’re planted in the grass

The daft bat fell there; I said “That fat cow’s slipped on her arse”

We’d hide behind the cedar when I’d see’d her look for m...

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(Everyone should visit Auschwitz)

Hana Reiner, who were you?

German, Czech or Polish Jew?

Did promises of better lives

Become no more than cattle drives?

Pointed left or pointed right,

Did you cry both day and night?

Did your mother bring you there?

Did they shave your head of hair?

Did you wither with the cold?

Did they pull your teeth fit gold?

Had your shor...

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There's death in Gaza and Beirut

There's death across Ukraine

There's hunger and there's homelessness

The world is full of pain

A madman in the White House

A button at his thumb

Another in the Kremlin

To bring us Kingdom Come

The Polar ice is melting

And so I must confess

About what some bald bloke has said

I can't care fucking less.

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'Twas in the village scout hut that she first made her debut

Proudly showing off her ticket – Yellow 482;

She chatted quite excitedly beside a Gordon's Gin

But they soon left then followed by a Crawford's Shortbread tin;

Then Head and Shoulders, Action Man and toddler's xylophone

So sadly Yellow 482 was left there on her own;

“You'd better take that crap one” a mum yelled to her ...

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These are all those foreigners

For whom their dual goal

Is both to take our jobs from us

While living on the dole.

And at the forefront of all this

The Daily Mail notes

Are those who risk their lives for this

Their war cry “Stop the Boats!”

But what they never publish

Which gets far less acclaim

Official figures for this year

Show 30,000 came.

Yet...

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Increasingly these days I find myself thinking back to cinematic images of vainglory from my younger years. It brings it home to me just how distant and lost these are when I try to cross a busy road. When once I would lope across like a panther these days I more resemble a Bobby Shafto with cerebral palsy - the object of fellow pedestrians calling out to me, “You stupid old twat”. So memories ten...

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We voted in our millions – our democratic say;

The Tories were defeated; we blew Rees Mogg away;

But once we'd taken office we very quickly found

They'd hidden a black hole from us of £20b.

It needed rectifying come what may

But it ain't me, babe

No, no, no, it ain't me, babe

It ain't me what's gonna pay.

The deficit wants funding – on that we all agreed

We cannot g...

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(It might have been Cocaine for Eric Clapton and JJ Cale but it's an altogether different story for me)

If you're living on beans the consequence means

Methane

And likewise no doubt are boiled brussel sprouts

For Methane

You'll soon lose your chums with what comes from your bum

Methane

So, quick! Blame the dog; then it's off to the bog

Methane

Know well, t...

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No pressure

not long enough

can't see it

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Faisal was a barber

He worked at Turkish Joe's

He'd snip off your unwanted hair

From places where it growed

He was the Yorkshire Champion

He specialised in “Nose”.

He beat the best in Barnsley

And Gary Grant from Goole

And Scissors Spike from Heckmondwike

Whose towels were judged too cool

Then Razor Ron from Rotherham

Reputed to be cruel.

His prize was...

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Wojtek was a private

But Wojtek was much more

And at Monte Cassino

Wojtek went to war;

He carried ammunition

The Germans were in awe

Of Wojtek who was legend in

The Polish 2nd Corps;

Wojtek liked his cigarettes

And Wojtek liked a beer

He wrestled and he danced with

Colleagues Wojtek loved so dear;

And when the war was over

To Edinburgh he came

He died in 1...

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(I cannot take any credit/blame for the brilliant title which I have heard elsewhere before.  Also apologies for the problems i seem to be having getting the guitar accompaniment to record properly.)

Hey, Mr Tangerine Man

Back once more I see

Master of the land from Florida right up to Maine

And hey, Mr Tangerine Man

Scourge of refugees

With your second chance to Make the US...

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(Apologies for the poor sound quality of the guitar accompaniment leaving my singing even more exposed)

So here's to you, Tommy Robinson

Prison holds a place for you today

Hey hey hey.

Enjoy yourself Tommy Robinson

Locked up 18 months; enjoy your stay.

Hey hey hey.

Now it's come home Tommy Robinson

Hounding refugees was just good sport

It's good to know Tommy R...

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We need to find more money

On that we all agree;

But as to how to raise it

We all agree “Not Me!”.

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To prevent you causing trouble these guidelines I will set

Which you should follow faithfully – your toilet etiquette.

It's always a conundrum that you'll have seen first hand

At which of the urinals you should opt to stand;

Take this formation if you will – there's four urinal loos,

A bloke is stood at Number 1, so which one should you choose?

The obvious one is Number 4 to give...

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In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

All roads lead to death

Treblinka, Sobibor, Dachau

In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

Jehovah will not help you now

We took our last sweet breath

In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

All roads lead to death.

In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

By bullet and by gas

Or by starvation this was how

In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

The whole wide world would ...

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(Prompted by yesterday's flight home from Malaga)

Flying home from Sicily

I found myself booked in Seat B

You've guessed – the middle one of three

Between The Two Fat Slags;

Once seated I could quickly tell

Their scent was not Coco Chanel

But rather a more acrid smell

Of armpits, beer and fags.

It seemed from how these girls would speak

They'd been away...

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As Milton rages death and destruction

half a world away

a butterfly with a broken wing

falls to earth

never to fly again

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There’s no more boring chore in life

Than to wait behind your wife

While she’s looking for a handbag or a dress

Our Gert had thought I’d lost her

But I’d slipped away to Costa

For a coffee while she shopped at M & S.

Since they use a stronger bean

Their Flat White always seems

A tasty and invigorating brew

To be sure to get a seat

To enjoy this leisured treat

...

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Let me put this out there straight away.  Freddie Tyas was called “Spaz”.  I can’t help that.  He was.

I’m talking here about my schooldays in the 60’s.  If you’ve seen any of those TV programmes like “It Was Alright in the 80’s” you’ll understand that it was alright in the 80’s.  Twenty years earlier in the 60’s it was even more “alright”.  We were closer to World War 1 than the 60’s are to us...

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We made our way to bed one night

I pulled down all the blinds

We kissed by filtered moonlight

Passion in our minds.

My wife broke from our close embrace

“I won’t be long.  Don’t go”

And headed for the bathroom door

Then cruelly stubbed her toe.

She cried in pain and anguish

Which turned to plaintive sob

Her toe turned black in anger

Continuing to throb.

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