Well, as you singled out Isobel and I as your favourites (so far) I guess I'm obliged to pass comment...
I find this poem a puzzle. I'm notoriously averse (hah!) to puzzling poetry...I prefer poems to be immediately accessible, at least in some way, and then reveal more with each reading. This certainly achieves that...and yet remains a puzzle to me.
I wonder where the neat, narrow, yet oxymoronically shambolic streets are? There's a Minster...?
Hope floats...
Some lovely language...and I'm going to have to keep returning to it like a crossword puzzle...darn....I hope I figure it out someday...
: )
Jx
Comment is about Bubble (blog)
POMEDY is an Eclectic Mix of Comedy and Poetry - With A Difference - Celebrating Jamaica's 50th Anniversary Event
UK POMEDY Tour 2012 - Tek Kin Teet Kibba Hart Bun - Laugh & Learn/ Celebrating Life With Laughter, Love & Learning
The very excitingly inspirational and hilarious POMEDY Show is an officially designated Jamaica 50th Anniversary event. It is is the brainchild of the internationally renown Jamaican Poet, Author and Reggae Artiste, Yasus Afari - Jamaica's Gift to the World.
POMEDY is an innovative and eclectic mix of real Jamaican Comedy and Poetry, celebrating laughter, love and learning for the entire family and community. The Pomedy Show skillfully blendss Jamaican humour, story telling, comedy and poetry to excite and inspire audiences to laugh and learn together in love and harmony, especially as we celebrate Jamaica's 50th Anniversary.
The Pomedy Show had a very successful World Premiere in Jamaica in 2009 and had its International Launch at London' outstanding Broadway Theatre in 2011. Based on the overwhelming response, The Pomedy Show has again returned to the UK featuring Yasus Afari, Ping Wing, Benjamin Zephaniah, Pink Panther, Marcia Calame and Jamaica's High Commissioner, Ambassador Aloun Assamba and a guest of honour.
Comment is about Pomedy Show UK (blog)
Original item by Marcia Calame
There is some very delicate bubble wafting going on here. I like the image of that first line immensely. I think the concluding line also holds that mesmeric gentle quality.
My advise to you would be - don't blow it :) x
Comment is about Bubble (blog)
i like this edit better and feel the poem emerge from the inspirational earlier draft and agree with Darren Thomas' views
that's the 2nd line in Mikhail - that mean you didn't read the rest? when i see this kind of comment i sigh and want to understand what it means in relation to the poem - if it is that you didn't read because of the word god then why bother commenting at all?
Comment is about Blue (blog)
Original item by Marianne Daniels
His wife
Is free
But the
Jealous triangle
Must keep
Hot blooded
To make
It work.
Comment is about Hidden Agendas (blog)
Original item by Katy Megan
Thank you Anthony! : ) Katy
Comment is about Anthony Emmerson (poet profile)
Original item by Anthony Emmerson
Methinks you are not such a novice at this poetry business.
You manage to make this sad but chilling at the same time - that's some achievement...
Comment is about Only 1 user online (blog)
For a chance to win a £75 first prize!
For a chance to be published in The Merseysider & recieve free copies. The magazine - a quality glossy cultural magazine sold in Waterstone Liverpool, Liverpool Tate, The Walker Art Gallery and - nearly all the Liverpool museums and quality outlets from Southport to the Wirral.
Join us!
Review is about Wirral Ode Show on 15 Nov 2012 (event)
Isobel, you know what I would say. Don't change it.
As for paring it there is some fat but in the hesitant atmosphere of the situation here, one can often overuse words in a nervous sort of way, ergo leave the fat in.
I like this style for you.
best wishes, Graham.
Comment is about Small Talk (blog)
Original item by Isobel
I was with you till you mentioned god. mikhail x.
Comment is about Blue (blog)
Original item by Marianne Daniels
Thanks for your recent positive comments Greg. Always appreciated. I need to get some serious commenting done of my own, ther's some strong stuff about on WOL. Regards, G
Comment is about Greg Freeman (poet profile)
Original item by Greg Freeman
If people didn't go, zoos wouldn't be there etc etc!
Comment is about Ape Shit (blog)
Original item by John Coopey
Strange, bewildered, caught in a mind-maze piece of reflectivity. Full of unconclusivity.
Comment is about The Shortest Time Alive (blog)
Original item by Noetic-fret!
<Deleted User> (9882)
Mon 5th Nov 2012 22:51
"where the black is empty?" hope not Yvonne!
the Sun and Moon come in very handy now and again.
Enjoyed ne'er the less.x
Comment is about Forever (blog)
Original item by Yvonne Brunton
<Deleted User> (9882)
Mon 5th Nov 2012 22:47
Yvonne,
wish you wouldn`t frighten me with last lines like that.
Comment is about Forever (blog)
Original item by Yvonne Brunton
Heh heh - I'm a teaching assistant - are you pulling rank? By no means do I want to teach a teacher to suck eggs, or nits as the case maybe :) Yes - there is a lot to be said for bashing stuff out quickly - sometimes you lose the spontaneity when you work them over too much - and where's the fun in that :)
Comment is about The nits are back ! (blog)
Original item by hugh
Thank you Harry - your suggestions work well also.
I wanted to stick with 'on opposite sides' cos I think it infers better the deliberate positioning one might make to avoid an awkward social situation - also the gulf that can open up between two people.
You've put your finger on the one part of the poem I agonised over - the positioning of that 'now' :) I can hear what you are saying but I'm starting to wonder if the poem is not just stronger taking the word out - I suppose the now is implicit and it does ruin the flow a bit. Oh the agonies of poetry - a lot of people would think this a simple poem - but I did spend some time thinking about it LOL.
Comment is about Small Talk (blog)
Original item by Isobel
Isobel,
Excellent example of less saying more with delicate restraint...and what a perfect ending.
It`s so good I`m tempted: (lines 7,8,9,10...)
What if they read:
from opposite sides
of a room
now much smaller
for the clouds moving in
But I suggest very hesitantly
(I agree, it`s not your usual style)
Comment is about Small Talk (blog)
Original item by Isobel
Glad you enjoyed my topical verse,
Shame they got rid of that lovely nit nurse.
As a teacher "nits" was a term we generally used,
To describe eggs and insects when a child's hair was abused.
Lice do crawl and the eggs they do lay,
But "nits" in a poetic licence is more effective to say.
This verse took me only an hour to construct,
Love writing them quickly as my brain does instruct.
Comment is about The nits are back ! (blog)
Original item by hugh
This is the saddest thing you've ever written, to my memory at least, John. I like the clarity of your thoughts, laid out like that - there's no arguing the point.
I went to visit a monkey sanctuary in Cornwall over the summer. They'd done the best they could with some pretty traumatised monkeys - but they weren't allowed to have babies - what kind of life is that? It's no kind of life, it's an abnormal life - you wouldn't wish it on a rabbit, and yet we do, time and time again.
I hate the thought of any caged animals - and yet ever so often I take my kids to a zoo - cos they like to see the animals up close - so who's the hypocrite?
Comment is about Ape Shit (blog)
Original item by John Coopey
Thanks for reading. They are very loveable creatures. I know a few myself.
Anthony- you just need a colourful jumper x
Comment is about Posh Tramps (blog)
Original item by Cathy Crabb
<Deleted User> (10679)
Mon 5th Nov 2012 18:34
Hi All,
Thought you might like to know how our tree is doing, we now have 39 new leaves from WOL:
Niamh Jordon-Wright (age 6) has 1
Maria Malinowski (age 10) has 1
Steve Mellor has 8
Margaret Holbrook has 4
Fred Tidball has 3
Francine has 3
Paul Broadhurst has 3
Freda Davis has 2
Hugh Davies has 2
Helen Sharp has 1
David Morgan has 1
Isobel Malinowski has 1
Anthony Emmerson has 1
John Coopey has 1
Nigel Astell has 1
David Bradley has 1
David Coldwell has 1
Chrissie Keelan has 1
Ann Foxglove has 1
Dorinda MacDowell has 1
Dave Carr has 1
Total 39
Once again I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all for your continued support.
Jacquie
Comment is about Your poems wanted for school’s poet tree (article)
Original item by Julian Jordon
darren thomas
Mon 5th Nov 2012 17:16
There are always significant things happening in your poetry Marianne. Your lexicon alone is usually worth the entrance fee.
I read the lines in reverse also, to try and work out what it is about your style that's intriguing? And the constituents still sound poetic!
Give my regards to G.
Comment is about Blue (blog)
Original item by Marianne Daniels
darren thomas
Mon 5th Nov 2012 17:11
An obvious change in style from this to, say... Chlamydia?
I enjoy poetry like this. You leave enough room for a reader.
Comment is about Small Talk (blog)
Original item by Isobel
Thanks for your feedback Thom. The beauty of Small Talk was that I didn't have to rack my brains for too long about what I wrote - it just plopped out onto the page - if only they were all like that - brevity can be a blessing :)
I really enjoyed the dentist - I've never thought of the dentist in that way before - or God. If I were a God I think I'd whittle mouth back to gum in some places.
Comment is about Tom (poet profile)
Original item by Tom
I'm loving the nit theme Hugh. Having just had to purge my youngest of a nit attack, it's something I can identify with :)
I think you could work on this poem to make it smoother though. It needs going over with the equivelant of a syllable nit comb :)
Also - I need to pick you up on a technical point. The nit is the egg. The live crawler is a louse or lice in plural.
I've had a twiddle with the first couple of lines so you get what I mean.
Half term is over and we lice are back
Planning together how best to attack
Spreading our mischief from each head to head
To teachers and kids and nit wits from Ofsted
I was trying to keep it to 10 syllables each line to give it a more regular beat. I'm one over in the last line but I think it sounds ok.
I hope you don't mind me saying. I wouldn't bother if I didn't like what you are doing.
Comment is about The nits are back ! (blog)
Original item by hugh
Hi Isobel, really enjoyed this. Conveys so much without actually saying it out loud. Thanks for sharing. T.
Comment is about Small Talk (blog)
Original item by Isobel
Thx Mariannne. Win x
Comment is about Marianne Daniels (poet profile)
Original item by Marianne Daniels
Thank you for your comments folks x
Mikhail - complicated is far too subtle a word for what i am ;-)
Comment is about Grazed (blog)
Original item by Marianne Daniels
Lovely to see you on here and to hear how the project develops. x
Comment is about The Kingsland Poet Tree (group profile)
Original item by The Kingsland Poet Tree
I beg your pudding?
I love the idea of this - but I don't do winter - or anything connected to nature. It's one I'd have to think about.
Comment is about Make it your day, on the advent poetry calendar (article)
Original item by Greg Freeman
Hi Anthony,thx for looking at the Ted poem. lol. I am just getting over the man flu actually but this has no bearing on my use of rhyme. (It has happened before). Thx so much for your observations. Ramsons is indeed the correct spelling for the wild onion so common in Colden valley. Although there is no rhyme scheme as such there are lots of half-rhymes in this. I don't find 'spotlight' such a jar but will look agian. Many thx. Win
Comment is about Anthony Emmerson (poet profile)
Original item by Anthony Emmerson
Peter Ashworth who is Head of Cuture @ Leisure for Stockport Council has agreed to come to our next meeting on Monday 12th November.
He will give a ten minute talk on the present situation and will answer any questions we might have.
So get your thinking caps on everybody and fire at will I mean Peter!
Comment is about Stockport WoL (group profile)
Original item by Stockport WoL
May I have one of those poems with nuts in please?
Regards,
A.E. :)
Comment is about Make it your day, on the advent poetry calendar (article)
Original item by Greg Freeman
Hmmm . . . another one for a big ponder Dave. There's no doubt that history would have been different - but for the better - or worse?
Regards,
A.E.
Comment is about The decision to develop the H-bomb (blog)
Original item by Dave Bradley
Sounds like a fun thing to be Cathy! Where do I sign up? :)
Regards,
A.E.
Comment is about Posh Tramps (blog)
Original item by Cathy Crabb
jkrollingjkrollingjkrolling
Comment is about testing (blog)
Original item by Poetry in Translation Group
Hi Ann, A new and longer version of my Ted Hughes poem has just been entered to the blogs section. Hope you like :-) Win
Comment is about Ann Foxglove (poet profile)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
Hi John. Well yes, florentines are amazing are they not. I hve visited bettys for a friend and purchased a 'few' things as per her order. £18. nearly fainted! A new and longer version of my Ted Hughes poem has just been entered to the blogs section :-) Win
Comment is about John Coopey (poet profile)
Original item by John Coopey
Lovely to welcome you to WOL.
Comment is about The Kingsland Poet Tree (group profile)
Original item by The Kingsland Poet Tree
Thanks for the comments. I was just experimenting with the line breaks of course, as otherwise its a very mundane pattern that comes so naturally that I talk in rhyming couplets some days. I can see how boring it is as a form.
Comment is about Modern love (blog)
Original item by Freda Davis
Yes, what Anthony says! ;)
Comment is about I might look like a mortal man to you (blog)
Original item by Wez Jefferies
Hi Wez - a warm welcome to WOL. Hope you enjoy the site :)
Comment is about Wez Jefferies (poet profile)
Original item by Wez Jefferies
Aaaaargh! The last line is the whole point! The people pushing for development of the H-bomb didn't 'go home' i.e. they went to great lengths to secure what they wanted. This is of wide application - how does change happen in our world?
Thanks for commenting anyway Steve - always appreciated, always interesting, often provocative.
Comment is about The decision to develop the H-bomb (blog)
Original item by Dave Bradley
Mon 5th Nov 2012 10:43
Like your stuff, Wez. keep the faith.
Stephen Smith
Comment is about My Opinion of the Christian God is shitty (blog)
Original item by Wez Jefferies
Testing? Yes it is, especially the pronunciation. Any chance of an audio - and link to the original? SW will love this!
Regards,
A.E. :)
Comment is about testing (blog)
Original item by Poetry in Translation Group
Chik J Duncan
Wed 7th Nov 2012 00:02
Just joined up. Couldn't resist the lure of bogies. Here's a wee offering which I think I subtitled "Green is the colour of my true love's hair":
SNOTABOGIE
"Bogie!"
"Snot!"
"It is so a bogie."
"No it's snot."
Comment is about Your poems wanted for school’s poet tree (article)
Original item by Julian Jordon