After a long hard day, taking care of his mother, pushing her around town in a wheelchair, seeing tiny people while shopping. Cleaning up after his mother, the ever dutiful son, sets his eyes on an unimaginable view, seeing two lovers cloaked under winter hats and coats, ahhh, but he knows who one of them is! Saddened beyond belief, he takes his mother home. Sets out on a quest to find her, and sadly him, along the way hes so over taken with grief, he passes out in the middle of the street.Then within a dream, he makes his plans, he tries to blow her up, in her tiny car, but, that did not work, as she was seen later at a video arcade cloaked in snow, sipping some fantastic tropical drink, wild eyed and never to be caught!

this is fun and very silly!

Comment is about The antidote to boredom (article)

Like the car
all rusted up
half-way down a hill
in the middle of pasture,
I turned 60.

Comment is about The antidote to boredom (article)

So why is rhyme not taken seriously? Well, because nearly all modern rhyme is cliched, derivative, forced, unsubtle and totally uninspiring. When rhyme is used in ways that avoids these hideous calamities then I love it more than life itself. I used to write only in rhyme. It certainly helps create a pleasing rhythm and flow that cannot be eclipsed by the 'clever' ambiguity of free verse when crafted skilfully. However, it is restricting and it is very difficult to do it in a way that isn't clumsy, contrived and ultimately annoying rather than engaging.

Like you, I despise the plethora of 'broken prose' that is published in the name of poetry which has nothing of merit, sense or coherence to the uninformed reader. No novel would ever get published if it made no sense whatsover to anyone but the author, yet with poetry, absurd obscurity seems to be compulsory if you want to be taken seriously!

Sadly however, although your poem makes its point well about the conceited elitism of rubbish such as the wretched scribblings of Jen Hadfield who won the T.S. Elliot prize last year, it is also a perfect example of the type of rhyming poetry that is rightly spurned by publishers! 'breath and death' is probably the most common rhyme in the history of poetry....'shite' and 'light' is a common colloquial contrivance......'good', 'could', 'days, phrase'...all have been done to death....and should take their final breath!!


'The man on the street' is just one of several cliches, your rhymes are lacking the flow and rhythm you crave from poetry, appearing irregularly and in a stilted manner. And, then there is the obligitory forced rhyming of dying with spying for no logical reason. 'Spying' makes no sense in the context that you use it but is merely there to contrive a rhyme.That sort of thing is deeply unsatisfying and deserves to be shunned!

Rhyme, reason, rhythm and originality are the components of great poetry to engage a new audience. It should and would be published, but while people continue to churn out hackneyed doggrell whilst bemoaning the death of rhyme, then there is no case to argue and the' broken prosers' will continue to thrive!

Comment is about who betrayed rhyming poetry to its literary death? (blog)

Original item by Daniel Hooks

Again I love the sentiments of this Ann - the setting, the visuals and the smells. But I do feel it needs one more edit. Perhaps too many "I"s & a couple of "and"s could go...
Good stuff though!

Comment is about basque (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Further to my previous comment Ann, if you read my profile, I posted one on Valentines Day in 08 in the same sort of vein...

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

It was wonderfully bright here in Oz and I noted the date of 01.01.10 - must be portentious!

Comment is about Blue Moon Tonight, People (blog)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas

I really like this Cynthia.
I enjoyed the drama, the construction, being taken into the wind and feeling it's threat and the suprise of finding one last bloom, perfect. I liked the final sentiment best...
Wonderful stuff! Now I'll have to read more on your profile. Thank you.
A new fan.

Comment is about Force Seven (blog)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas

Loved the first two stanzas of this poem Ann, but as someone said in an earlier comment and because I care about this piece, I need to offer a constructive opinion, from one writer to another with the best of intentions.
Firstly, I do feel the word should be 'breathe' to convey a continuous sofly blowing breath and not 'breath' as in a single act of expelled air.
I'm afraid the last stanza lets the poem down for me and cheapens the first two stanza which I feel, work very well. They are fresh with strong, soft imagery and a highly romantic but sexy mood. The last section turns the poem around in a negative way and although I know what you're trying to do, I feel it needs another edit.
I feel the construction of the third section needs attention: perhaps adding a repeat of the 1st line would work well, followed by a clear statement of choice then perhaps twist it with a sentiment about not needing to be perfect.
I've deconstructed your verse and added the first line... to illustrate what I mean but only as a suggestion:

Don’t want a high definition kind of love
I love you
the way you are
Beautiful to me -
you always will be.
Although we’re not perfect.

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Hello Anneliese, welcome to WOL.

Comment is about Anneliese Emmans Dean (poet profile)

Original item by Anneliese Emmans Dean

45 at the most you fibber!

Comment is about jean lucy thompson (poet profile)

Original item by jean lucy thompson

This brings back warm memories. I once posted a poem with the exact same title - a very different meaning though.Yes - interesting to read through one's own poetry in chronological order and see the development in it as you pass through time. I too, often regret not scribbling things down - words can so easily be lost - especially if you are in that half sleep/ half woken state. Then there are the scribblings that you realise are total crap once you've deciphered them... Nice one. x

Comment is about Poetry In Motion (blog)

Original item by Dave Dunn

Yes - I can understand your frustrations. Only ever wrote in rhyme when I first started and found it really hard making the transition - but the step had to be taken cos rhyme isn't always taken seriously. My instincts are always to rhyme though - it flows when it rhymes - like music... My sister has written a similar one, if you are interested. Her name is Cate and the poem's title 'A rhyme in time'. It will be several blogs back now though.

Comment is about who betrayed rhyming poetry to its literary death? (blog)

Original item by Daniel Hooks

oh Danny boy! colour me traitorously agreeing with your poem-but going with the flow,does have its addictions,and restrictions(hey! rhyme!)-no seriously,i do to quite an extent agree with you-funny how rhyme is mostly shunned-why? if I knew I would tell-regards-Stef

Comment is about who betrayed rhyming poetry to its literary death? (blog)

Original item by Daniel Hooks

Hi Cynthia - I'm going to be writing up my WOLOP summary tomorrow. Just wondered if you had a favourite this month. Don't worry if you haven't - just thought I'd check... x

Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas

The second ending is definitely better than the first Ann. There is possibly an even better ending if you are prepared to rack your brains for ever and a day. Like Cynthia said,sometimes the ending is better when it is a completely new thought. How long you spend on it depends on what other poetry is calling. If you are anything like me, you sometimes let them go with the odd blemish, just to be done with them! x

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Alas poor Alice

Alice knew she’d downed a drop too much of bitter juice
From the bottle labelled ‘drink me’ she had ignored the news,
those TV adds, the warning signs and other nanny statements
meant to dull the splendour of a long inebriation.

Intoxicated, she enjoyed the power over people,
picked and lifted from the crowd
hung one from a steeple,
laughed, depositing them anywhere,
head up in the clouds.
Couldn’t see her lifestyle wrought a devastated mess
Then one day the reflection of her image in the glass
a rear view from across the street,
the spread of her humungous feet.
sent Alice searching for a cure,
to rehab and the health food store.
Alas a cure was never found,
and in the ocean Alice drowned.

A note the size of Gravesbury, mailed to Alice’s MP

said

NEXT TO WHERE IT SAYS ‘DRINK ME’ SHOULD NUMBER CONTENT CALORIE

Comment is about The antidote to boredom (article)

John,
it's good to know people who like music-still more to know someone whose actually heard of a bands I'm writing about. Actually I keep writing about bands I've seen.

Comment is about John Aikman (poet profile)

Original item by John Aikman

Lovely thoughts and compelling lines, Deborah. I have waffled about what I think you mean: the 'coven of angels' seems to indicate the statues so prominent in some cemeteries, hovering in clusters over graves, and thus 'death' is the underlying force. But elsewhere, death doesn't seem to be the point at all: 'are you so lost AGAIN to me' - 'further than I know how to LET you be'. It seems this 'loss' could equally be someone very much alive but lost to you for reasons known only to yourself. I find that it is a psychological puzzle.

Comment is about Villtur Augum (blog)

Original item by Deborah Jordan Bailey

i like the use of the 'then nothing' at the end as it brings it to a sudden stop... nice piece, rach.. it is perhaps a little silly but silly is good.. x

Comment is about Snow (blog)

Original item by Rachel McGladdery

nice - i enjoyed this..

Comment is about will this never end?...... (blog)

Original item by JEFF.W

Jeff - do you need the question mark to make it on the place.. Wouldn't it be better to move up the last line and place the question mark? Interesting piece otherwise... Not sure if I got it, but it is one to think about..

Comment is about the right way?!...... (blog)

Original item by JEFF.W

I agree with Win here, Kealan.. I like the fact that it seems like a full picture but still leaves you with plenty off room to build on it yourself.. Good stuff!

Comment is about Beach. (blog)

Original item by Kealan Coady

the pleasure's all mine - it's a great poem. you can see it here if you wish. thanks. banksy.
http://www.poemsetfree.com/index.php?page=favourite-poems-by-other-authors

Comment is about Beach. (blog)

Original item by Kealan Coady

Covens of Angels is an unusual term? I like your expression of being further away than you know how to let him/her be, again unusual.

Comment is about Villtur Augum (blog)

Original item by Deborah Jordan Bailey

ey up Frank
your picture caught my eye in the good old Rossendale Free Press this week - you didn't tell them you'd defected to the soft south, now did you? Good luck with the book
Graham

Comment is about Frank Burton (poet profile)

Original item by Frank Burton

A very sad and bleak one Debs. Beautiful use of language to express the extreme coldness that comes with emptiness, loss and deprivation.

Comment is about Villtur Augum (blog)

Original item by Deborah Jordan Bailey

What happens if you get married and hate his guts
What happens if he hates yours...
The possibilities are endless - just like many marriages seem... An interesting poem - I think Dave summed up its qualities well.

Comment is about What happens if (blog)

Well up to your usual high standard Deb. Yet again you are doing lovely things with words and having us feeling that the world is a mystical place that in strange ways interacts with us, especially with our deepest longings. As Francine and Janet have both said 'hauntingly beautiful'.

Comment is about Villtur Augum (blog)

Original item by Deborah Jordan Bailey

Hi Ann, lots of conflicting advice here, so I might as well add my 3 penn'orth. I try not to meddle around with mine too much or else you risk losing the original flow, ie you're too close to it to see it afresh. Sometimes you can get the perfect grammar/meaning/syntax - but at the expense of the original idea/sentiment. For what it's worth the second ending for me was perfect ie
I know we’re not perfect now
But then we never really were.
And I love you just the way you are.
You’re beautiful to me -
you always will be!
... but ONLY my humble opinion - the decision must always be yours alone.

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Intriguing, enjoyable and thought-provoking. The repetition of 'What happens if' works well for me - it is hard-wired into each of us and this is a great way to get it out and have a look at it.

Comment is about What happens if (blog)

wow! neat, clipped, understated: great poetry.
can I include this on my website under
"favourite poems by other authors"?

Comment is about Beach. (blog)

Original item by Kealan Coady

Hi Ann,i've read this before and after the changes.I'm not going to confuse you even more by adding to them.Maybe if you leave it alone for a little while, something will pop into your head and you'll just know it's right for the poem and more importantly... yourself.It's great to get feedback, especially when you find it helpful but always make the changes your own. I'm no expert but been there and done that and over done it too several times.Sorry for the blurb, it's obvious you love the comments and rightly so.

Janet.x

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

i love the billions of pillows and sugar and violins and the whole rythym of the thing these are the best sorts of poems, they really touch your soul, did you tell her?

Comment is about NEW POEM: Seven Years (For R.B.) (blog)

number 1
reminds me of Portobello slot machines
tea in silver teapots
drawings in the sand
a fur handbag
photos of the old me
youthful face
innocent charm
no warmth to draw me into the
sea long walks you and me

Comment is about The antidote to boredom (article)

The town hall landed on the beach with an almighty bang.
The car spontaneously combusted with a whoomph and then a clang.
The alien with the orange head gave her the bite of death.
She lay apon the pavement and her jeans were in a mess.
But the shrinking powder antidote it really worked a treat
though she still needs her wheelchair as she trundles down the street.
So if you see a town hall go sailing through the sky
you'd better run for cover - but please don't ask me why!

Comment is about The antidote to boredom (article)

Changed the ending folks - but I don't suppose you chaps will come back and see it now, but if you do, let me know what you think. You've all been v helpful, love you lots!

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Good afternoon Ann-beautiful poem indeed,99.9%-but with all respect the last two lines died for me.prior to that,very very deep and steamingly sensuous-Stefan

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Like walking in a white winter wonder land.
Agreed. A very hauntingly beautiful piece.

Happy new year Debs, hope you are well.
Love Janet.x

Comment is about Villtur Augum (blog)

Original item by Deborah Jordan Bailey

I know i've said this before about your poetry but it really does stand out that you are very musical.
I love this, it's fun and rhythmic. My kind of performance poetry. Light and not too serious.
Very unlike much of mine. :-)

Janet.x

Comment is about Renovating Sputniks (blog)

Original item by Horace Thespider

Hiya Mark,
nice to see your real tag but i liked Horace the spider too.

Thanks for your comment on my latest poem. I do think i posted it a little too early though and i also think i've edited a little too much out of it and on top of all that i now want to change the title. hmmm...
we live and learn! :-)

Janet.x

Comment is about Horace Thespider (poet profile)

Original item by Horace Thespider

hi and thanks for your comments. This one was done after the Artist Talking to Artist one which was comissioned for an art gallery showing of Outsider and Insider Artists, there are other terms but mainly it was about the raw/natural talent of untrained or homeless, jailed etc having an exhibition with the art school grads and such like, without competition but working together via workshops...debating merits etc..you get the picture; and as I was known to someone involved they asked for a suitable poem. This one though was more my response from having been involve. The project was organised by Hannah Hull. Thanks again.

Comment is about As Is--.He Is As He He Is. (blog)

Original item by Beulah

Lovely sentiments expressed : )

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Hauntingly beautiful Poem Deb.

Powerful feelings of past recollections, and of their presence...

'You walk alone across white acres
with no footprints.'

Comment is about Villtur Augum (blog)

Original item by Deborah Jordan Bailey

happy new year all and to all a happy new year

Comment is about As Is--.He Is As He He Is. (blog)

Original item by Beulah

split it at"on an island of your own making."
two women-one taught you and one thought you...might
blame both blame one blame none that you though you knew; and rave on

Comment is about NEW POEM: Seven Years (For R.B.) (blog)

perfect all three. class is class.

Comment is about Why So Blue, Sweetheart? (blog)

Original item by Tom

the fate of inaction - almost as bad as being too hasty.

Comment is about Quick Sequence. (blog)

Original item by Kealan Coady

good descriptive work.

Comment is about Beach. (blog)

Original item by Kealan Coady

well done.

Comment is about Villtur Augum (blog)

Original item by Deborah Jordan Bailey

Take all on board and agree with all too. Two focus's (foci?) worried me too - will have a think!"I want soft images" maybe? Or "in and out of definition"? Oh no - I used definition before. Help! Not enough words in the english language! ;-)

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove