Have a happy smoke free year
Make 2019 a smoke free year,
Postpone death and funeral fear.
Prevent the poison in the tar flowing in a flood,
Avoid the threat of clot formation due to thicker blood.
Chemicals in the blood make your heart beat faster,
Furring up your arteries creating a deathly disaster.
The enemy in the smoke can attack your kidneys and win,
Also reducing the amount of oygen reachin...
Monday 31st December 2018 10:41 pm
Spider Woman spreads panic,a follow on.
Sylvia of Sabden was on her way out,
Her thick brown hair was being blown about.
A scary film she wanted to see,
To the cinema she went with her boyfriend Lee.
In the foyer by a mirror she brushed her thick brown hair,
But what happened next Sylvia of Sabden caused quite a big scare!
The brush in her pocket suddenly became alive,
The hairs,spider like,ran down her legs to...
Sunday 23rd December 2018 1:25 pm
Spider Woman
Sylvia from Sabden had thick brown hair,
Wherever she went the boys did stare.
It was beautifully cultured shiny and long,
She regularly combed it ,the threads were so strong.
One morning when combing a shock was in hand,
She looked down at her brush and could not quite understand.
The hair on her brush started moving around,
Joined together and jumped on the ground.
...
Saturday 22nd December 2018 2:29 pm
Oh yes he did ! Oh no he didn't !
All women will know when a man's mask slips,
Intolerable words can be read on his lips.
Corbyn's attack on Theresa May ,
Is as clear as the light of day.
His face turned to the colour of gammon,
Boiling over with anger and venom.
To class Theresa as stupid is grossly unfair,
Jeremy's educational background doesn't compare.
She won a place in grammar school ,did well th...
Friday 21st December 2018 9:04 am
Homelessness ! A plight to fight.
The wind out there is strong and cold,
Attacking the homeless both young and old.
Wrapped up in blankets dirty and damp,
The street is their bedroom,its lights their lamp.
Houses and flats are too expensive for one,
Sleeping in a Debenham's doorway is not much fun.
The homeless problem is a street blight,
Increasing in numbers every single night.
The homeless are ...
Monday 17th December 2018 9:01 am
To be buried or cremated ?
Bob had been married to Beryl for 20 years,
But bad news on the phone Beryl hears.
"Your husband Bob has been involved in a fatal crash."
To the scene of the accident Beryl did dash.
It was a motorway pile up three others had died,
Distraught, Beryl holding Bob's cold hand cried.
It came to her mind the thought of the funeral ahead,
"I don't want to be cremated ,I want to...
Monday 10th December 2018 1:10 pm
The wonder of the worm
Worms are a free farm fertiliser protecting the land,
Creating a multitude of tunnels for the farmer first hand.
Worms do not have teeth but their mouths are muscular and strong,
One of nature's top soil scientists rarely doing wrong.
Biological pistons always there promoting earthly health,
Pumping air and water with incredible stealth.
Saints of the soil passing through th...
Tuesday 4th December 2018 12:40 pm
An act of kindness reciprocated
I was sat outside a Manchester caf,
What happened next will make you laugh.
Sitting there with my dog next to me,
Having eaten a sandwich ,with a cup of tea.
A man rushed by wearing a posh blue suit,
Dropped 50p in my cup ,"Your dog looks cute."
A lady sat opposite next to her cup,
I dropped a pound in it,she was made up.
Friday 30th November 2018 1:55 pm
The new boyfriend!
Jane took her new boyfriend home ,his name was Jim.
He showed off vile tattoos and swore,her parents did not like him.
"Jane ,he is not your type,there are others out there to meet."
"But mum he must be okay,500 community service hours he did complete."
Thursday 29th November 2018 1:53 pm
A free drink day!
Jack loved his drink,
More than his wife ,I think.
Constantly spending pounds,
At his local ,The Hare and Hounds.
Jack was a mountaineer and spent many weekends away,
Conquering many difficult climbs,come what may.
On Sunday to his local he went with his spouse.
'Twas the landlords birthday,"Today the drinks are on the house!"
Jack was first out and climbed up the...
Wednesday 28th November 2018 10:43 am
Breaking the ice
Jane was skating on a very large pond,
Showing off to a boy of whom she was really fond.
The ice in places was very thin,
Suddenly it broke and she fell right in.
The boy jumped in and saved her life,
She proposed to him and became his wife.
It all started off cold but ended up nice,
Jane definitely knew how to break the ice.
Monday 26th November 2018 12:16 pm
Scot,a sad loss
Brenda had just lost her husband Scot,
A serious infection he had recently got.
A newspaper notice announcing his death was the next thing,
She gave the local newspaper a quick ring.
"What would you like to say ?"said the clerk at the end of the line.
"Scot has sadly passed away would be just fine."
"You can put a few extra words in at no extra charge."
"Okay,Scot has sa...
Sunday 25th November 2018 10:23 am
Even more Haiku or Hughku
A marriage haiku
Two aerials got married
Reception was great
Wedding was borring
Funny meal haiku
Cannibals eat clown
One clown says to the other
"This tastes very funny."
Thoughts of a bankrupt haiku
Homeless guys shake cups
"They have more cash than I have,
Please don't rub it in!"
Wet her plants haiku
Mum loves gardening
...Friday 23rd November 2018 12:11 pm
Freedom of choice
Jim was a hardened criminal on his way to jail.
Had robbed many post offices belonging to the Royal Mail.
Jake was into tearing money machines out of banks,
Ruthlessly used agricultural machines built like tanks.
Both had been caught and were ready to be put away.
Jake got the shorter sentence for his affray.
Fate was to bring them together to share the same cell.
The cho...
Tuesday 20th November 2018 9:55 am
Hughmericks
Sid
There was a young man called Sid,
Who was amazed at everything he did.
One day he did die,
His family did cry.
At his funeral, lifted up the coffin lid.
Cher
There was a young girl called Cher,
Who went to the petrol station for air.
She filled up with joy,
Met up with a boy,
Who was amazed at her magnificent pair.
Cannibal event
The...
Monday 19th November 2018 9:12 am
Desire
Tom was a taxi driver on his way to pick up a nun,
He'd always wanted to kiss one thought it would be fun.
So he picked her up and looked her in the eye,
Asked her if she wouldn't mind giving it a try.
She asked him whether he was married or a Catholic .
He said," No neither,"this did the trick.
He pulled over to the side and embraced her in a snog.
But suddenly he burst...
Friday 16th November 2018 12:29 pm
Full of beans
Heinz was a pensioner and lived on his own,
Had three kids,but from the nest they had flown.
His wife died three years ago tragically in a crash.
Heinz lived on the bread line not much cash.
His cooking skills were few and far between,
Eating at a local caf he was frequently seen.
One cold dark evening he said to his host,
"I'll have two portions please of beans on toast....
Thursday 15th November 2018 11:34 am
Wayne's pain turns out to be a sore point
Wayne goes to the doctor's with numerous pains.
"Whatever I touch it hurts it never wane's ."
He pushes his chest with his finger and screams with pain.
Pushing his thigh and shoulder he screams again.
"I know what it is ,"said the doctor confidently.
"Is it fatal ?" asked Wayne worryingly.
"You've got a broken finger."
Wednesday 14th November 2018 11:08 am
Wipe out .Wet wipes an enormous cause of sewage blockage
When as a nation we are in a rush,
Down our loos many things we flush.
A problem we can all do something about,
Bin your wipes hear me shout !
Most of our wipes do not degrade,
When in our sewers never fade.
The plastic contents of these wipes,
Clog and block our sewer pipes.
Wipes are strong from the very start,
Cling together ,difficult to part.
A 3P ...
Tuesday 13th November 2018 1:08 pm
Deal with an embrace
Jill was on a diet and a stone had lost,
Needed a new dress asked what the material would cost.
Jill was slim and attractive,blue eyed and dark.
"Only one embrace per yard ,"smirked the young male clerk.
"That's alright I'll take ten yards ,"said smiling Jill.
And got her 90 year old grandad to pay the bill.
Obesity
A large meal on a big plate,
Smiles at him temp...
Monday 12th November 2018 8:36 am
More haiku or hughku
The sound of silence,11o'clock,11/11/18 {added this morning}
Silence is golden
A tribute to the brave men
Who saved our country
A romantic return haiku
A romantic turn
One boomerang to the other
You'll be back
Eviction haiku
Left worries on steps
Before I got evicted
On street now homeless
A break up telly settlement haiku
...Saturday 10th November 2018 10:53 pm
Marriage name change B.Hind to B.Bottom
There once was a girl from Broadbottom ,
Who married a lad from Ramsbottom
Bill Bottom was his full name,
Mrs Bottom Brenda became.
B.Hind had become a B.Bottom.
Friday 9th November 2018 9:27 am
Anya
"Anya" marks get set go !
Who better to welcome and say hello.
The new meeter and greeter on Write Out Loud,
Compassionate and friendly of whom we are proud.
A poetic marvel of Polish decent,
Who has flowered on this site most recent.
An example to new members she will always be,
Welcoming budding new poets to our family tree.
Thursday 8th November 2018 11:33 pm
Change of plan ."It was miles better."
Jane was trying to sell her car,
She was having no luck so far.
It had done too many miles 250k!
Jane called round to see her friend Ray,
Ray was a mechanic and gave her some advice.
"Let me clock it for you and increase the price."
The speedo now to 50k was wound back.
"Don't tell my boss he'd give me the sack."
A month passed by she met up with Ray,"Did you sell it?...
Tuesday 6th November 2018 11:14 am
Keep feeling young singing a song.
You are never too old to become younger.
Learn day by day to satisfy your hunger.
The more things you love the more you enjoy,
Humour is a priority and can bring you great joy.
Dying is a very dull dreary affair,
Live on and enjoy life ,avoid being there.
Turn your life into a work of art,
Look forward and live on as a child in your heart.
Take plenty of exercise ...
Monday 5th November 2018 11:23 am
A period problem , a pupil problem and a lame excuse
A period problem
"Mum,why am I not getting my period I'm nearly sixteen ?
Jill got hers when she was just thirteen."
The teenager was sadly feeling missed out.
"You getting a period Bill,will never come about "
A pupil problem
Tina was a teacher and suffered from stress,
A situation she was keen to redress.
Things became worst when she became cross- eyed,
...Sunday 4th November 2018 8:02 am
Amelia the young witch from Sabden does it again
A volkswagen and a B.M.W. were driving really fast,
Both wanting to be first,definitely not last.
One overtakes the other down a big hill,
Driving too fast ready to kill.
A child at a crossing hand in hand with her mum,
Wasn't aware what was about to come.
Fortunately a young girl called Amelia was there,
The young witch from Sabden avoided a scare.
She twitched ...
Saturday 3rd November 2018 7:53 am
Memory loss
An elderly poet was forgetting how to rhyme,
And the names of people he had known a long time.
A man came towards him which he knew quite well,
But the name of this man didn't ring a bell.
He stretched out his hand to greet his friend,
And crashed into the mirror,that was the end.
Another memory loss,forgot to mention
The guy who invented the door-knocker got a plea...
Friday 2nd November 2018 8:59 am
Chickened out by Amelia the young witch
Amelia the young witch from Sabden was walking down the street alone,
Two dodgy looking lads had their eyes on her expensive mobile phone.
"Hand that over to us young lass !"
They were not to know what was about to pass.
Amelia twitched her nose two chickens did appear,
The lads were no longer there, nothing now to fear.
Two eggs were laid Amelia took them home,
And safel...
Wednesday 31st October 2018 10:02 am
Trick or eat
Amelia lived in Sabden and was a witch,
In school she was unpopular and called a bitch.
This troubled her very much,
Her class mates were cruel and out of touch.
But belonging to a witch family was not so bad,
Her mum was a witch and so was her dad.
Her dad would drive to school safely in the back seat,
Her mum while at work could make her house neat.
There was a...
Tuesday 30th October 2018 8:12 am
More Halloween Haiku or Hughku time
Scary night haiku
A dark scary night
Don't answer the door tonight
Death could be knocking !
Trick or treat haiku
"Trick or treat ,"they cry
"Answer the door or you'll die!"
Ignored them,still here.
Elderly witch haiku
The witch was ninety
No grey hairs on shiny head
Was completely bald
Scary visitors haiku
Scary knock on d...
Monday 29th October 2018 8:33 am
Halloween Haiku or Hughku time
Coffin haiku
The night was spooky
Graveyard was very noisy
'Cos of the coffin
A bloody good haiku
"Mum what's a vampire?"
"Drink your soup before it clots."
"It's bloody good mum."
Witch haiku
Witch was not happy
Her son's report was crappy
"Broom for improvement !"
New to haiku,any errors made call it a hughku.
Saturday 27th October 2018 8:08 pm
Haiku shocks!
Baker got a shock
He stood on a current bun
It ran up his leg
A witch got a shock
She was swept of her broom and
Flew off the handle
Friday 26th October 2018 9:20 am
Obesity
He rocked to his seat with a smile on his face,
As a grease-laden fish a chip plate he eagerly did face.
Obesity is the greatest threat to health world wide.
A hard hitting campaign against it we must decide.
Fruit juice is definitely a No ! No !
As into your body too much sugar will go.
Five table-spoonfulls of sugar in one large drink!
Before devouring it stop and think...
Thursday 25th October 2018 9:31 am
Ryan and the lion
A lioness wrigggled rather provocatively to have a drink.
A gorilla getting excited gave her a seductive wink.
The gorilla decided to have his wicked way,
The lioness was dumfounded didn't know what to say.
The gorilla ran off back to the zoo at Chester,
The lioness shocked took off after her molester.
The gorilla knew he was in trouble looked for a disguise,
Found a big ...
Wednesday 24th October 2018 8:17 am
"Home Lez "{my nick name}
My name is Lez and I became homeless,
I got into debt and my life became a mess.
I lost all my dignity and became ashamed of my state,
I started sleeping rough in the city ,a life I did hate.
I was particularly vulnerable ended up on the street,
Was criminalised and demonised no future to greet.
I felt invisible and ignored,badly damaged,
Herded to a cliff edge sadly rava...
Tuesday 23rd October 2018 9:36 am
Dead money
There once was an undertaker called Fred,
Who's business in the Summer was dead.
But when Winter came round,
More visits to the burial ground,
Moved his bank account out of the red.
Friday 19th October 2018 8:53 am
From pasture to plate
In meadows green it spends its day,
Then strolls to the barn to pay its way.
The rent is just a pail of milk.
Rewarding the farmer with pure silk.
In every farm the cow will graze,
Its calmness never ceases to amaze.
But despite the music of its moo,
Few will give the beast its due.
As cows calmly chew their grass,
From field to plate they soon will pass.
T...
Thursday 18th October 2018 10:19 am
You could be president!
Donald is inspiring a new young generation,
"Believe in yourself ,you could rule a nation."
Kids and parents knew that this was not going to be.
But things have changed ,this could be a strong possibility.
Wednesday 17th October 2018 8:40 am
The worm experiment
A woman is lecturing at an university on the dangers of drink,
The students listen intently and it makes them think.
"Drinking water is good for you,keeps you healthy and alive."
She drops a worm into a glass of water,the worm did survive.
She picks it up and puts it in a glass of wine,
The class wait anxiously and hope it will be fine.
After a while the worm in the wine appears...
Tuesday 16th October 2018 8:41 am
A moving experience
I was sat on a step outside a Manchester City store,
Sheltering from the rain and a heavy downpour.
Just been to Greggs and a coffee cup in hand,
The benches were too wet for my bottom to land.
"You can't sit there and eat ,you are in the way!"
A man showed me his badge and said I couldn't stay.
Think he thought I was a beggar collecting in my cup,
At first,until I confidently...
Monday 15th October 2018 10:12 am
A visual boost
A man looks in the mirror trying on a hat,
Says to his wife,"Look at me I'm getting old and fat,
Pay me a complement my love and make me feel better."
"Well your eyesight is great can't think of anything better."
Sunday 14th October 2018 7:54 am
A missed kiss
Jim and Jane had been married a long time,
They were happy together and got on fine.
But physical contact was on the wane,
No problem to Jim but it worried Jane.
Some new neighbours moved into the house next door.
When Jane saw their physical reactions it worried her even more.
Each morning at the door the man gave his wife a kiss,
Jane said to Jim ,"Why don't you do this...
Saturday 13th October 2018 12:40 pm
Bad bottom behaviour
Two flies were hovering around looking for something to do.
They both decided to land on some recently excreted dog poo.
They were fortunate that the turnout had not been binned.
One of the flies made a noise and proceeded to pass wind.
"Your bad bottom behaviour ,"said the other,"definitely needs treating,
How dare you pass wind while I am still eating!"
Don't give the flie...
Friday 12th October 2018 8:42 am
Spaghetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse,
News was to unfold which would affect his purse.
She told him she was soon to give birth.
Discretion was paramount ,more than his marriage was worth.
Not wanting his wife to know,
To Italy to give birth he made the nurse go.
"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?"
"Send me a postcard with" spaghetti" on it the followin...
Thursday 11th October 2018 10:04 am
Life in a Care home
I wonder round my care home rooms,
Where death round every corner looms.
I wonder who is going to be next,
We sit and wait sad and vexed.
In the long voyage we call life,
I was once a mother and a wife,
My yesterdays walk with me ,mainly the best,
I frequently forget where I've put the rest.
My big toe frequently makes a hole in my sock,
Unsteady on my feet on ...
Wednesday 10th October 2018 9:24 am
Stress can make a mess
They say that stress can be a killer,
But can be exciting like a thriller.
Life devoid of its highs and lows,
Boringly slips by and soon goes.
So live life to the full and sample the stress.
But learn how to confidently clear up the mess.
Tuesday 9th October 2018 8:44 am
Bill's can win
Bill was a gambling man and just loved to win.
He was at a machine putting his money in.
"Oh my goodness I've won agen !
That's amazing I'm up to ten."
He placed his winnings on top of the machine.
"I'm constantly winning I'm living a dream."
He jumped with joy as another can did fall,
He'd never won as much at all.
A lady shouted at him dressed in pink,
"Hurry up,you'v...
Sunday 7th October 2018 9:29 pm
18
A dozen teenagers were on a night out.
They were stood outside a night-club hanging about.
Entrance into the night-club said they were not allowed.
So they hung about noisily with the crowd.
They saw five students they already knew,
And invited them to join them in the queue.
Now they were a gang of seventeen stood at the door.
One of them shouted ,"We only need one more ...
Friday 5th October 2018 11:57 am
A visit to New York
An Archbishop once went on a visit to New York,
On his arrival with a reporter did talk.
Asked "What do you think of the prostitutes you'll find there?"
His answer, in question form produced a big scare.
"Are there any prostitutes in New York ?"he did say.
His question made headlines in the tabloids next day .
Hells bells
The new vicar of ST Giles who's name was Pete.
...Wednesday 3rd October 2018 9:08 am
Snapped up and swallowed,a crocodile scare.
I picked up a crocodile at an illegal pet shop,
Put it in the car but soon had to stop.
A car pulled up flashing its blue light,
I had to stop it gave me a fright.
The cop said that I had been speeding.
I said to him," My crocodile needs feeding."
"So you broke the speed ,limit to get him fed !!"
The crocodile didn't like this and bit off his head.
News of this t...
Tuesday 2nd October 2018 10:00 am
Drugged up and homeless in Manchester yesterday
Cross -legged he stumbled ,the sight was not nice,
Heavily drugged up with the danger drug spice,
Stumbling through the city centre mumbling to himself.
His body slowly crumbling on a death shelf.
Thumps down on a bench ,his body bent,
Transmiting through the air a terrible scent.
A young girl sat there reading a book,
"Will you marry me tomorrow?"as he gave her a look.
The...
Thursday 27th September 2018 8:19 am
Getting to the bottom of finding the lost ball
Jo was out playing golf with his wife,
What happened next could have ended a life.
She sliced her ball into a field full of cows,
They were a very close couple ,not many rows.
She wasn't going to give up the ball for lost,
Very careful with her money,worried what a replacement would cost.
They searched and searched to no avail,
On the point of giving up Jo lifted up a cow...
Wednesday 26th September 2018 8:10 am
Claire's despair
Claire calls the fire-brigade,her need was dire.
"Help me ,help me, my house is on fire!"
The fireman answers,"Ok how do we get there?"
"In the red truck with the blue light!"She cried in despair.
Tuesday 25th September 2018 10:27 am
Theresa May
There was a Prime Minister called Theresa May,
Who won the Brexit vote not to stay.
She wriggled about ,
The opposition did shout.
And tried to trip her up on the way.
The RISK
The U.K. economy is uncertain,
Leaving the E.U. could pull down the curtain.
Leaving us in the dark,
Facing a recession RISK mark.
Reduced growth and currency depreciation,
To many unce...
Monday 24th September 2018 4:29 am
Dead
There was young man called Fred,
Who woke up one morning dead.
He heard a bell ring ,
And the angels did sing.
Thankfully to heaven he was led.
Cancelled contract
There was a young man from Colne,
Who spent half his life on the phone.
When he got his last bill,
It made him feel ill.
Lived the rest of his life all alone.
...
Saturday 22nd September 2018 7:22 am
Cancelled contract
There was young man from Colne,
Who spent half his life on the phone.
When he got his last bill,
It made him feel ill.
Lived the rest of his life all alone.
Saturday 22nd September 2018 7:18 am
The moody bus driver
The bus driver was in a very bad mood,
And to customers paying with large notes he was extremely rude.
A lady gets on with a baby and pays with a £20 note,
The driver angrily shouts,"You have destroyed my float!
Your baby is the ugliest I have ever seen."
Everyone thought the driver was really mean.
A man she sat next to said,"Go up there and give him a clout,
I'll hold your m...
Wednesday 19th September 2018 10:32 pm
Confessions of a husband and wife
Fred was on his deathbed,Jill held his fragile hand.
"Oh please my darling forgive me,I hope you'll understand!"
Jill's sweet voice aroused him from his sleep,
He looked up, pale,tired and began to weep.
"My darling Jill I have a confession to make before I go."
"Hush my love don't talk I think I know."
"No I must tell you now and die in peace,
The guilt in my troubled mind I ...
Wednesday 19th September 2018 1:58 pm
A teacher's problems with her pupils.
Tina was a teacher and suffered from stress,
A situation she was keen to redress.
Things got worst when she became cross-eyed,
The headmaster on her progress was disatisfied.
So with the local doctor she was advised to enrol.
Who said ,
"The problem lies with your pupils getting out of control."
Tuesday 18th September 2018 4:44 am
Guards on a train are a must
Tears from a 75 year old lady pour,
As her dog's lead gets stuck in the train door.
A step up from the platform made it difficult to get up,
The driver couldn't see due to the track set up.
Her hand got caught in the door but she managed to pull it free,
"I started screaming and banging the door,but there was no guard there for me!"
Dragged to his death through a tunnel attached ...
Saturday 15th September 2018 10:51 pm
Deal with a kiss
Jill was on a diet and a stone had lost.
Needed a new dress asked what the material would cost.
Jill was slim and attractive,blue eyed and dark.
"Only one kiss per yard ,"smirked the young male clerk.
"Thats fine I'll take ten yards,"said smiling Jill.
And got her 90 year old grandad to pay the bill.
Thursday 13th September 2018 9:56 am
Minister of Affairs
There once was a London mayor,
Who loved to have the occasional affair.
When his wife found out,
She kicked him out.
To become the first new Minister of Affairs.
Sunday 9th September 2018 10:17 am
Homeless
There was a young man called Boris,
Who went upstairs with a florist.
The relationship did flower,
But in exactly one hour,
He was thrown out of his house by Doris.
Saturday 8th September 2018 9:46 am
Diddle,diddle dumpling
Diddle,diddle dumpling my son Fred,
Woke up one morning with a demon in his bed.
She had wings and was ready to fly,
She was warm and beautiful with evil in her eye.
She jumped on his head and entered his brain,
She was there to explore and mentally drain.
The goodness in there she physically drank.
The badness she spread as an evil prank.
"I need a saviour to hea...
Friday 7th September 2018 11:33 am
It wasn't my dog!
I went to a house to show them a car,
It was round the corner it wasn't too far.
We sat on the couch and worked out a deal,
When in walked a dog and sat down to heel.
He moved onto the carpet and got into a squat,
Left a big mound it was quite a lot.
Well I was so embarassed I didn't know what to do,
And wondered whether the carpet was always its loo.
The customer igno...
Wednesday 5th September 2018 8:31 pm
Demonization,beware !
Demons come and demons go,
They enter the brain when your feeling low.
Spreading evil as the good they shred.
Causing major panic in your head.
If the bad in your head prevails,
Then into the depth of darkness the demon sails.
Magnifying the evil thats embedded there,
Heaving it out in a thunderous scare.
Disasters happen when brains are badly demonized,
Lives...
Tuesday 4th September 2018 6:50 pm
Doing time
Hickory dickory dock,
The criminal sat in the dock.
The judge did frown,
Sent the criminal down.
Hickory dickory dock.
Monday 3rd September 2018 8:32 pm
Release 0f a jail bird
There was a young woman from Greece,
Overjoyed at her prison release.
With her legs far apart,
Laid ten eggs for a start,
And sold them all to the police.
Locked up
There was a young man from Aviemore,
His job as a locksmith he did adore.
Broke into a jeweler's shop,
Caught in the act by a passing cop.
And swiftly made a bolt for the door.
Sunday 2nd September 2018 6:44 am
An electric shock
There was a young lady called Meg,
Who sat cross-legged with a cup to beg.
She loved to have fun,
But sat on a bun.
Then a current ran up her leg.
Saturday 1st September 2018 11:52 am
Spider fear
"I am an insect and I live in the grass,
Terrified of being eaten at every blade that I pass.
I look out for spiders,nasty,evil and scary,
With numerous eyes,sharp fangs and feet that are hairy.
Pursued by a spider once I'm lucky to be still alive.
He was distracted by a fly,thankfully I did survive."
Spiders inspire fear like few animals will.
Lurking in webs lying ready...
Friday 31st August 2018 10:10 am
A shock for Jock
Jane and Jock loved holidaying in Lytham St Anne's,
Of the beach and its beauty they were great fans.
They loved going there on anniversary celebrations,
The views around gave them excitable elations.
They decided to go there to celebrate 20 years together
And along the beach one day enjoying the sunny weather,
They came across a secluded spot where once they had made love.
...Tuesday 28th August 2018 1:13 pm
The three wishes
An old lady is rocking in her chair,
Wrinkled skin and snow white hair.
Suddenly a fairy flies through the door,
And grants her three wishes she did adore.
"I would like to have a million quid in my Barclays account."
Checking her statement she now had that amount !
"I would wish to be slim and beautiful dressed to kill."
She looked in the mirror saw an image to thrill.
...Sunday 26th August 2018 10:57 pm
Follow up to a dirty girl
The dirty girl bad and mean,
Not afraid to do what others dream.
The dirty girl wearing tight revealing apparel,
With eyes that suck you in with a double barrel.
"Hold your hands up or I'll shoot,
Look at my body I'm really cute."
Dirty girl a bitch if need be,
With a huge amount of energy.
The dirty girl with no name,
Will do anything ,no shame.
Sunday 26th August 2018 9:01 pm
Alcoholic Aid,but unfortunately a wee rejection
A charity worker knocked on Debbie Hicks' door,
He knew her as he had called there before.
"Hello I'm collecting for the home for alcoholics,
Can you donate anything to help Mrs. Hicks?"
"Of course I can ,I'm always ready to give you a helping hand,
If you come back after closing time you can have my husband."
After closing time the charity worker collected him.
Asked,"H...
Saturday 25th August 2018 10:26 pm
mildred
In an American hospital people were always dying in the same bed.
On Sunday morning regardless of their medical condition they were found dead.
This puzzled the doctors and produced quite a scare.
It happened in the intensive care unit,recovery was rare.
The unexplained deaths occurred around 9 o'clock,
A worldwide team of experts were called in to observe round the clock.
On Su...
Friday 24th August 2018 12:20 pm
An examination twist
"To see the doctor on our own we can't,"
Said an attractive young girl chaperoned by her aunt.
"We have come for an examination," said the girl on their arrival.
"Good ,"said the doctor."Regular medical checks are good for survival."
"Get behind the curtain and strip," he said.
The situation the doctor had grossly misred!
"Its not for me ,"the young girl did shout."
Turning to...
Wednesday 22nd August 2018 9:45 pm
A bill con
Bill was at ASDA in a queue at the check-out,
He had noticed an elderly lady had been following him about.
She was before him now in the queue,
Her trolley full of items for the check-out to view.
"Excuse me "she said, "You look exactly like my son,
I have never seen anyone like him,you are the only one!
He passed away lately I am sad to say,
As I leave would you call out,Goo...
Tuesday 21st August 2018 11:37 am
A catastrophy
Fred normally did his shopping on line,
But this week he needed to view the beer and the wine.
So he walked down to ASDA ,but dogs aren't allowed.
He tied up his rottweiler away from the crowd.
But as he approached the check-out pushing his trolley,
He was approached by a lady who said,"I'm really sorry,
I think my little kitten has killed your dog!"
"That's impossible," said...
Monday 20th August 2018 9:06 am
Anya
Anya is definitely the poet to watch,
Her writing's unique never a botch.
Her poems are varied her topics are great.
We don't know what's coming , we leave it to fate.
Fate is in her hands and her imaginative brain,
Keep different things coming, please don't refrain.
Keep on composing and filling us with joy.
A compendium of poems which we thoroughly enjoy.
Sunday 19th August 2018 11:40 am
Dolly folly
Polly had just finished a difficult task,
Which prompted her teacher to ask.
"Why are you crying Polly?"
"Because Wendy has broken my dolly."
"How did she do it ,that's quite bad?"
"I hit her over the head with it really hard."
Saturday 18th August 2018 9:32 pm
A wee error
An elderly Minister of a certain religion went to see his doc.
The doc was quite intrigued as to what was written on his sock.
"I love my God with all my heart,
He's always looked after me from the very start."
"What is the significance of what is written?"
Asked the doc",The words have got me truly smitten "
"I go to the bathroom and He turns on the light,
And when I have fi...
Friday 17th August 2018 8:26 pm
the smile on your face
A smile is warm without the heat,
Comes from the heart,difficult to beat.
A smile brings us together whether its yours or mine,
Never mind whats happening your smile will shine.
A smile through stress is very strong.
Puts things right when things go wrong.
A smile is strange wrinkles up your face,
And vanishes quickly into a secret hiding place.
If you feel a smil...
Friday 17th August 2018 8:33 am
So many ANTS!
Two ANTS loved their food and met at a restaurANT.
It was an expensive place to eat,they were extravagANT.
The couple were in love and full of hope ,
They ran away together stayed at the ANTelope
One of the pair was good at maths and became an accountANT,
The other became a model ,she was elegANT.
If either was criticised they were defiANT,
They were both very f...
Thursday 16th August 2018 6:14 am
A satisfaction nightmare
Keith and Olivia were lying in bed one windy night,
Keith wanted to sleep and turned off the light.
"Do you remember in bed how you used to hold my hand?"
Immediately his hand on her hand did land.
Keith attempted to go back to sleep.
"Then you used to kiss me," she did weep.
Keith hovered above her and kissed her on her cheek.
"Please let me go now to sleep,not slept wel...
Wednesday 15th August 2018 8:26 pm
I made a mistake
Jim rang the police to report items missing in his car.
"The steering wheel ,the stereo,the accelerator are missing so far.
I don't know how they did it I was only away for an hour."
But suddenly what really happened began to flower.
He rang the police back feeling quite ashamed,
"Not one of the items have been stolen that I have named,
Please don't bother to come out officer an...
Tuesday 14th August 2018 1:17 pm
4-letter words!
Molly had led a sheltered life ,her dad was a vicar.
Lou was one of seven ,a family who loved their liquor
Molly against sound advice moved in with her friend Lou.
But Lou started using 4-lettered words she was not used to.
"They're 4-lettered words mum, I haven't heard before.
Please,please come and get me I can't take anymore!
Please,please mum!! Pick me up you must.
They ar...
Monday 13th August 2018 11:48 am
Shell sequel
The shell is a hard protective layer created by an animal that lives in the sea.
The animal inside has died and has been eaten up by another animal for his tea.
Waiting for the end to come...but the end was happy.
The shell was picked up by a sailor from Quebeck,
Who made Anya a necklace out of it to hang round her neck.
Sunday 12th August 2018 9:59 pm
No wind in the Willows !
Linda wasn't happy in her old people's home,
So her family transferred her from Frimley to Frome.
The nurses at The Willows,her new home, were kind and alert,
But were concerned at times that she might get hurt.
She seemed to lean over sideways on her chair.
Two nurses caught her straightened her,here they did care.
After a while she starts leaning to the other side.
To keep ...
Sunday 12th August 2018 7:41 am
The transfer of pain machine
To the delivery ward of the hospital a couple were sent .
They were asked to sign a transfer of pain agreement.
The doctor had invented a transfer of pain machine transmitting a portion of the pain to the dad.
To participate,since it was obviously reducing her pain,the husband was glad.
20 percent pain transfer was set,the effect was difficult to tell.
The contributing husband conti...
Saturday 11th August 2018 10:10 am
Its fly day, the tenth of August
God in heaven made the fly,
But never got round to telling us why.
He sent down the spider to catch the fly,
But why oh why did You make the fly?
I fly into a house and land on some bread,
Spreading my germs while getting well fed.
I crawl on the wall watching the world go by,
Looking out for preditors so I don't die.
Suddenly into a spider's web I did fall,
Entangl...
Friday 10th August 2018 1:17 pm
A sad wish
A couple in their early 60's were celebrating 38 years of married bliss.
A fairy appeared and looked upon it as an opportunity she could not miss.
"As you have been faithful and loving to each other for so many years I will grant you each a wish."
The wife said"To travel round the world on a luxury cruise liner would be delish"
The fairy waved her magic wand and two tickets to travel...
Thursday 9th August 2018 6:56 pm
A tragedy in Jerusalem
A heavily nagged husband was on holiday in Jerusalem for a week or two,
His wife loved going there on their holidays ,she was a Jew.
Unfortunately while they were there she sadly passed away.
An undertaker contacted him and said there were two ways to pay.
"You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for 700 quid,
Or you can have her shipped home for 1400."That's what he did.
T...
Wednesday 8th August 2018 10:19 pm
It started with a sneeze
Jack was sat on the train comfortably wearing his new M.S.kegs.
Admiring a gorgeous,curvaceous,blonde crossing her legs.
He had been eying her up since he had sat down.
She was slim,perfectly dressed suntanned and brown.
Suddenly her glass eye with a sneeze comes out of its socket towards Jack,
He reaches out and grabs it and quickly hands it back.
"Oh I am so sorry ,"she s...
Tuesday 7th August 2018 11:20 pm
Don't drink and drive!
Three blokes on a night out were drinking more and more,
One of them passes out and lands flat on the floor.
One of the others goes to the bar to buy the next round,
"What's he having?"asks the landlord pointing to the bloke on the ground.
"I'd better not let him have any more to drink,
He'll be driving us home later I think."
Tuesday 7th August 2018 9:53 am
Football crazy
A wife was having an affair with the t.v. repair man.
She complained,"Dan watches football whenever he can,
Thats why we have got the biggest t.v. in the street,.
Quick hide behind it I can hear his feet!"
So the lover hid behind it while Dan sat in his arm chair.
He got hot and uncomfortable until the heat he could not bear.
And walked passed Dan and his wife with a nervous coug...
Monday 6th August 2018 9:34 am
A little bit of flirt
She was slim and smart with plenty of charm,
Chatty and friendly,confident and calm.
She'd come to see me to plant a seed.
By the end of the meeting I was her dog on a lead.
She crossed her legs and was a little bit of a flirt,
She did it with her eyes and a very short skirt.
She signed me up for a caravan and a car,
No swear words or smoke from a cigar.
No footie talk...
Sunday 5th August 2018 7:09 am
It was difficult to digest what had happened
It was difficult to digest what had happened two fields away.
Two cannibals had lit a fire fuelled by two bails of hay.
They had enjoyed the best meal they had had in their life.
"A fantastic roast,"said the first cannibal"made great by your wife."
"Your wife certainly makes a great roast."
"She certainly does,I can't help but boast."
"Yeh " but with sadness in his...
Saturday 4th August 2018 1:06 pm
"White" said Fred
Fred had a stain on his new white sweater.
"Wong's laundry," for removing stains,there was no-one better.
Wong tried his best to remove the stain ,
But gave up in the end ,his efforts were in vain.
Wong called his brother asked him to try.
But his brother too could not remove the dye.
Permanently stained and never to be white,
The moral,"Two Wongs will never make a white."
...
Friday 3rd August 2018 1:35 pm
Read the lids
Jack came home from work noticing his dad was avoiding his grandson.
"You normally love entertaining him and having loads of fun."
"Well I've just been to the doctor's and I am only doing what I was told"
"The reason I am avoiding him I will sadly unfold."
The old man showed his son what was on the lids.
Take two pills a day.KEEP AWAY FROM THE KIDS.
Thursday 2nd August 2018 10:44 pm
No milk to drink
The doctor's next patient was a woman and a baby called Kate.
After examining the baby he was concerned about her weight.
He asked ,"Is the baby breast-fed or bottle-fed?"
The woman replied,"Breast-fed."
The doctor ordered the woman to strip and relax for a test,
And then proceeded to knead and pinch each breast.
"The reason she is hungry ,the fact you have no milk is to blame."
...Wednesday 1st August 2018 6:13 pm
How to console a poor cook after a catastrophy
Jim had been married to Jane for forty years,
He came home from work one evening and found her in floods of tears.
As a cook she was never a winner.
"It's a disaster",she cried"the cat's eaten your dinner!"
Comforting her Jim said, "Don't worry about that,
Tomorrow my darling I'll get you a new cat."
Wednesday 1st August 2018 9:21 am
Fury as frail 100 year old pensioner dies
Violence on our streets hits a new low,
How safe is it for us on them to go?
Our police force has surrendered control of our streets nationwide,
Due to CONSERVATIVE CUTS wherever we reside.
In Derby a 100 year old fatal mugging is another moment of shame,
Fewer police patrolling our pavements is definitely to blame.
The lady was approached from behind,
Knocked over by a brut...
Sunday 10th June 2018 12:29 pm
Retirement
Zulu was a zebra just retired from Chester Zoo.
Went to live on a farm,the experience was quite new.
She came across a big fat wierd thing,supposedly a cow,
Who had filled a bucket full of milk and was making quite a row.
She then saw this strange white thing who had just laid an egg.
"Hello I'm a friendly chicken and my name is Peg."
Zulu was soon settled and the farm she did pr...
Saturday 2nd June 2018 6:37 pm
Daft Donald
A traffic cop stopped Donald going through three red lights.
"I'm colour blind,"he said," read me my rights."
"In addition you were exceeding the speed limit by 30 mile."
"I always drive fast,"Donald remarked with a smile.
His wife sat in the back,she was a bit of a minx
"Pay no attention to him,he's had a few drinks."
"Breathe into this bag,oh no one thirty five!
It really do...
Thursday 24th May 2018 9:02 am
Becoming a werewolf
Real werewolfism is a curse,
One full moon night I was bitten in hospital by a nurse.
She was a mindless slaughterer powerful and fast,
As a result of the attack I thought I had breathed my last.
The curse caused me to lose all control of my mind.
When I woke up in the morning my brain was blind.
No recall of what had happened,except the scare.
But an uncontrollable rage and ...
Wednesday 23rd May 2018 1:53 pm
Tom Jones
Blodwen was rather worried about her husband Glyn.
He kept waking the neighbours and making a din.
Glyn went to the doctor's ,he couldn't stop singing "The green green grass of home."
The doctor was aware of the problem,."You have the Tom Jones syndrome."
"So you have come across the problem before?"
"Yes,ITS NOT UNUSUAL ,I'm seeing it more and more."
Wednesday 23rd May 2018 8:55 am
A big hole
Jack was on holiday in Stanmore.
He heard a crunching noise from the garden next door.
His neighbour had been digging for quite a bit.
"My canary has died and I'm burying it."
"Its a pretty big hole for a canary is that."
"That's because he's inside your blooming cat!"
Monday 21st May 2018 7:44 am
Old age doesn't come alone
Jane walked up to a man sat on a bench reading a book.
"I couldn't help noticing how contented you look.
What's your secret for a long happy life?"
You obviously draw your old age pension avoiding financial strife."
"I smoke like a chimney all through the day,
I drink two bottles of whisky,yes I'm okay.
I catch a bus to the city centre and beg with a Costa cup,
Acccompan...
Sunday 20th May 2018 8:52 am
Drama at the theatre
There was a bloke at the theatre sprawled over three seats.
Soon an angry usher telling him to move he meets.
The bloke mumbled but didn't answer back,
The usher needed him to move or be threatened with the sack.
The manager was called,the man mumbled again.
Next the man was confronted by two policemen.
"Excuse me sir," one copper said to the man now sat up in one seat.
"What'...
Friday 18th May 2018 2:58 pm
I didn't expect that !
Three weeks after getting married Julie called her mother in the middle of the night.
"Mum, John and I have had a terrible fight."
"Calm down," said the mum,"Its not as bad as you think.
Every marriage has to have its first fight,make yourself a drink."
"I know,I know,it happens to everybody,
But mum,what am I going to do with the body?"
Thursday 17th May 2018 9:21 am
Question time
It was Tom's first day at school,
To ask the pupils questions was the rule.
"What is your dad's occupation ?"the teacher did ask.
"He is a conjurer Miss and can perform many a magical task."
"How interesting,what is his favourite trick?"
"Sawing people in half Miss,he would pick."
"Waw! Next question,any brothers or sisters?"
"Yes Miss.One half brother and two half sisters."
Wednesday 16th May 2018 11:00 am
How to get the police to sort out your garden
Jim was in prison and his dad sends him a letter,
"I hope you are ok and feeling much better.
I have no-one to weed my garden now that you are not here,
The weeds are out of control I painfully do fear."
"Dad you can't weed the garden thats where I buried the dough!"
The police intercepted the letters and were soon in the know.
A forsenic team was sent out to dig up the plot,
...Monday 14th May 2018 8:31 am
Advice line
Dear Marge,
My husband and I have been married for ten years.
What happened next left me in tears.
As I drove to work my car juddered to a hault,
I walked back home to get my husband to sort out the fault.
When I got home he was in the bedroom,couldn't believe what I saw.
He was parading around in my high heels and red dress with my mother in law!
He was made redundant from hi...
Sunday 13th May 2018 7:50 am
A poo slip up
A little man walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of dog poo,
There was so much there it splattered all over his shoe.
Moments later a burly biker slipped on it as well,
And nose first into it he then fell..
The little man said,"I just did that."
The biker hit him and said,"Take that !"
Saturday 12th May 2018 8:44 pm
How Fred passed away and ended up as a bike rest
Fred was a bully and persecuted his wife,
And on one occasion even threatened her with a knife.
Life was a misery for Jane every day out of bed,
But gladly one morning she found Fred dead.
To save money on the funeral she buried him in the garden ,a place he did like.
With his bottom protruding from the soil and a place to park her bike.
Friday 11th May 2018 9:55 am
A free lift home
Jane was waiting for her elderly husband to arrive home.
He had a tendency to get lost and roam.
A police car drew up with her husband in the back,
Alarmed she shouted,"Where have you been,I've been worried Jack!"
The policeman said,"We found your husband wandering in the park,
He was lost and confused,it was getting dark."
"Jack,you have been going in that park for over 40 years...
Thursday 10th May 2018 9:52 am
Diagnostic Diversity
An attractive young girl and her gran entered A.E. with an injury.
"Right," said the doctor,go behind that curtain and take your clothes off for me."
"No!"said the girl,"nothing wrong with me ,it's my gran ,I'm young."
"Right ,"said the doctor to the gran,"Show me your tongue!"
Tuesday 8th May 2018 12:16 pm
An electric shock!
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on Sally's door.
"Let me demonstrate this vacuum cleaner on your floor."
"My present vacuum cleaner removes every bit from my carpet pile."
"Madam I promise you ,it will only take a while."
"Oh very well ,"she said and she let him in.
He immediately emptied a load of horse manure from his bin.
"If my vacuum cleaner does not remove all of it,
...
Saturday 5th May 2018 9:41 pm
A long wait
A drunk was visiting London with his wife Jen,
They were both on their way to see Big Ben.
Having trouble finding it they asked a policeman the way.
"Bus number 34 will take you right there," he did say.
Four hours later the P.C. passed and they were sat on the floor,
"Excuse me," said the policeman"I told you to catch the 34."
"Oh don't worry officer,"the drunk's voice slurred...
Friday 4th May 2018 12:30 pm
YOU ARE THE LUCKY ONE
A letter written by a mother to her 10 year old daughter to open while she is on a school trip to the Isle Of White.
When you open this letter I know you will be alright,
Enjoying your year 5 trip to the Isle Of White.
This all girl trip will be full of fun,
Oh my goodness ,YOU ARE THE LUCKY ONE!
You will learn about the coast and climate change,
Belonging to a team and...
Friday 4th May 2018 6:22 am
A Superior View
Mother Superior spent a long time in the shower.
Her right hand nun said,"There's a blind man to see you,he's been here for an hour."
"Well if he's a blind man ,it doesn't really matter,
Send him up and we can have a natter."
She got out of the shower in her birthday suit,
The blind man shocked and embarassed went quite mute.
She spoke to him for ten minutes or more,
He couldn...
Thursday 3rd May 2018 8:19 am
The sparkle of Meghan Markle
The first person with African Ancestry to join the Royal House,
The multiple racial beauty soon to become Prince Harry's spouse.
The kindest person and incredibly smart,
Knows where she's going from the very start.
She will find success in everything she does,
And into the Royal family will inject a big buzz.
Meghan was a party girl and enjoyed staying out late.
During h...
Wednesday 2nd May 2018 12:42 pm
Appendicitis
In the middle of the night Fiona awoke screaming in pain,
"Quick dear husband,ring the doctor,my appendix is driving me insane!"
Dave rang the doctor, whom he knew really well,
"Don't panic,took out her appendix four years ago,I remember it well..
Whatsmore I have never come across anyone with two appendix in my life."
"Thats fine,but have you ever heard of anyone having a new wife!...
Sunday 29th April 2018 6:07 pm
Life in the slow lane
Sam was in the kitchen mopping up the floor.
Suddenly he stopped ,there was a knock on the door.
He opened the door thought it was his daughter Gail
But there was no-one there except a sweet little snail.
"What do you want I was expecting my daughter?"
"Please sir may I have a glass of water?"
"Certainly not !"Sam picked up the snail and pelted him away.
But the snail knocked...
Wednesday 25th April 2018 11:19 am
Fred's Dilemna
Fred Faithful was a very loyaL man.
Lorraine was his pretty girlfriend,he was her number one fan.
One day he went into work and a new girl had started,
She was called Clearly,drop dead gorgeous,newly parted.
Fred became besotted,it was obvious Clearly liked him too.
But he still loved Lorraine and didn't know what to do.
Fortunately as fate had it,Lorraine ran away with John.
...Wednesday 25th April 2018 10:17 am
The Unlucky Vicar
Have you heard about the unlucky vicar?
Who drove down the motorway with too much liquor.
Shame on you sir,you should set an example,
Nearly four times over the limit after giving a sample.
Thinking God was on your side you jumped in your car,
Thee who spent too much time at the bar.
The Almighty was to deliver a terrible blow,
As down the M25 the vicar did go.
An...
Friday 13th April 2018 12:22 pm
Alcoholic Frolic
Rivers of alcohol flowing through our cities,
Changing normal people into drunken Walter Mitties.
Nurses ,teachers and doctors too,
Pouring their money down the loo.
Our Chancellor's finances never ails,
With alcohol tax from rising sales.
A million workers every day ,
Depend on alcohol to give them pay.
We live in a climate for growing hops,
Beer has always ...
Saturday 7th April 2018 9:57 pm
Raise them and praise them
Of young people we freuqently speak ill,
Lacking in character and without any skill.
Grouping on street corners,smoking and drinking,
Breaking and smashing our opinions still sinking.
Our views of the young must not get too low,
Otherwise their egos will suffer a blow.
Raise them and praise them to pedestals high.
Well done,excellent reach for the sky.
You are the fut...
Monday 2nd April 2018 8:40 pm
Light damage
Jill was riding in the back of a taxi,but wanted a light.
She tapped the driver on the shoulder and gave him a fright.
The driver screamed ,lost control and hit a tree,
"Don't ever do that again,you scared the life out of me!"
Jill calmed him down and said she was a nurse.
It was his first day driving a cab after thirty years driving a hearse.
Saturday 31st March 2018 11:05 pm
A Lady Distressed Inside
A Lady Distressed Inside ,
Opened her post and cried.
Never again will I shop at an Aldi store,
Your use of Parking Eye I vehemently deplore.
Customers are treated like criminals when they shop,
Exceeding 1 hour 30 minutes and a £70 fine through my letter box did drop.
Parking eye are as popular as septic piles,
To get a parking ticket shopping at Aldi ,definitely riles.
...Friday 30th March 2018 8:25 am
The nits are back
Half term is over the nits are back,
Planning together how best to attack.
Ready to crawl from head to head
On teachers ,children and inspectors from Ofsted.
We have six legs each with a claw at the end,
We feed on blood and round schools panic send.
We love thick hair whether dirty or clean,
For attacking us with nit combs,we think humans are mean.
I was once caught o...
Monday 26th March 2018 11:54 am
Snow White
Snow White was into photography in a big way,
She could take pictures of her dwarfs all day.
She'd been given a new camera as a gift.
But there was a developing delay,she was feeling a bit miff.
The assistant felt she was disappointed and feeling quite numb,
"Be patient Snow White,one day your prints will come!"
Wednesday 21st March 2018 10:59 pm
Clever Heather
Dan was single and lived at home with his dad.
He was shy,never been out with a girl,bit sad.
His dad was a single millionaire ,worth quite a bit.
Twenty million Dan would inherit,lucky git !
Realising his dad wouldn't last forever,
He started pursuing a beautiful clever girl called Heather.
"I may look like an ordinary fella,
But in a few years I'll be as rich as Rockefeller....
Tuesday 20th March 2018 7:47 pm
It wasn't my dog!
I went to a house to show them a car,
It was round the corner ,it wasn't too far.
We sat on the couch and worked out a deal,
When in walked a dog and sat down to heel.
He moved onto the carpet and got into a squat,
Left a big mound ,it was quite a lot.
Well I was so embarassed I didn't know what to do,
And wondered whether the carpet was always its loo.
The customer ignor...
Friday 16th March 2018 9:44 am
Two Wongs
Fred had a stain on his new white sweater,
"Wongs laundry,for removing stains,there was no-one better."
Wong tried his best to remove the stain,
But gave up in the end,his efforts were in vain.
Wong rang his brother and asked him to try.
But his brother too could not remove the dye.
Permanenently stained and never to be white.
The moral--"Two Wongs cannot make a white."
-
...Wednesday 14th March 2018 9:53 am
Pill power!
Will had a problem getting up for work,
Told off for being late made him feel like a berk.
He went to the doctor's and his problems he did spill,
His doctor prescribed a prebedtime pill.
After taking the pill Will slept well at last,
His time keeping problems,hopefully a thing of the past.
After his breakfast he went in to start his new day,
First thing his boss said,"Where w...
Tuesday 13th March 2018 10:25 am
Wayne's Pain
A mean Scottish painter called Wayne,
Thinned down his paint purely for gain.
One day the church asked him to put in a bid,
The lower his price the more thinning he did.
So he put up the scaffolding and set out the planks,
And prayed at the church and for the job gave his thanks..
While Wayne was up the scaffolding,the job nearly completed,
The paint, full of turpentine very h...
Monday 12th March 2018 9:10 am
Fred's Dilemna
Fred Faiithful was a very loyal man,
Lorraine was his girlfriend,he was her number one fan.
One day he went to work and found a new girl had started,
She was called Clearly,drop dead gorgeous,newly parted.
Fred became besotted,it was obvious Clearly liked him too.
But he still loved Lorraine and didn't know what to do.
Fortunately as fate had it Lorraine ran away with John.
As...
Sunday 11th March 2018 9:22 am
Medical mixup
Claire and John were staying at a b&b,
John noticed something strange while pouring the tea,
Claire had an indigestion tablet stuck in her left ear.
John had to shout really loud,"Take it out my dear."
"Thanks for telling me John,
I know now where my hearing-aid has gone."
Friday 9th March 2018 10:29 am
Chilly and Cold
Chilly and Cold were two eskimoes living in the North Pole.
They made their living selling high quality coal.
One day they got really cold while delivering,
Chilly lit a fire in their kayak and immediately they stopped shivering.
But the boat burnt out and Chilly felt such a twit.
Which goes to show you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Friday 9th March 2018 8:58 am
Picks nicked !
Speedy construction had a target to meet,
In a month the shop they were building had to be complete.
But they suddenly hit granite and work had to stop,
They had no picks,serious ,no bonus,no shop.
Fortunately they were next door to a toy shop with life sized teddy bears,
Each holding a pick while sat in their chairs.
They asked the toy shop owner if they could borrow the picks,
...Thursday 8th March 2018 8:14 pm
Claire's despair
Claire calls the fire-brigade, her need was dire,
"Help me ,help me my house is on fire!"
The fireman replied,"Ok how do we get there?"
"In the red truck with a blue light!"she cried in despair.
Thursday 8th March 2018 10:12 am
A flat joke
Tara was woken up by loud raps on her knocker,
Ben had been hurt at work ,he was a Liverpool docker.
She arrived at the hospital in a flurry,
He was precious to her ,she was full of worry.
She asked the receptionist,which ward she would find poor Ben.
"Ah yes he was knocked down by a steamroller,he's in ward 7,8,9and ten."
Wednesday 7th March 2018 8:08 pm
Reading the lids,keep away from the kids.
Bill comes home from the doctor's deliberately avoiding the kids,
Two bottles of pills prescribed and he's been reading the lids.
"Why are you avoiding them? "asks his concerned wife Jen.
"Told to take two pills a day.KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN !"
Wednesday 7th March 2018 12:07 pm
Women the stronger sex?No way!
Women win from the very start,
Better brains and a stronger heart.
Girls mature quickly in the womb,
Boys are bigger and need more room.
Premature births put more boys at risk,
Under nourishment in the womb making birth more brisk.
Baby girls seem better equipped on their arrival,
When it comes to the most basic instinct of survival.
Connections in the woman's brain gi...
Monday 5th March 2018 11:14 pm
Pothole misery
I hit a pothole it rattled my teeth,
Should I be worried about damage underneath?
Normal potholes,proper tyre pressures,your safely on your way.
Hit a deep one and you could have a big bill to pay.
Suspension damage ,like broken ball joints,
Damage to tyres leading to driving penalty points.
Alignment knocked out leading to tyre wear,
Car pulling to one side producing a s...
Monday 5th March 2018 5:54 pm
We love Manchester
We love Manchester hear us all say,
We love Manchester,let us all pray,
For the lives lost in this sad city scare,
For the injured survivors ,pray soon to repair.
We come together stronger than before.
Much stronger than the perpetrators who crept through our door.
We are all the same people and shed similar blood.
As the tears down our cheeks painfully flood.
For the injur...
Friday 19th January 2018 10:21 pm
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