9/3/22

Sometimes I feel trapped.

Trapped in this town.

Knowing what I want but not sure how to get it, verbalizing my doubt and I know it.

Smoking a cigar with whiskey like I'll figure out something that hits me.

I'm not exactly unhappy but I feel stuck.

 No quiet place to be alone, it even feels like this in my own home

In an apartment surrounded by voices and a marsh surroun...

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12/22/21

More than what it was like to be the girl who was the second choice-

I often wonder what it's like to be the mother of the girl who was second choice

Surely she doesn't even know or she would have never supported the relationship in the first place

Or perhaps she does and in her yearning for her daughter to be "protected" by the boy she was talked into thinking was a man, she ...

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I feel like I've always known.

From the time I stood a few feet tall next to the big black dog named Flower.

To when

We sat on the back porch every weekend with beers and I tried to draw everyone together cause' I knew we wouldn't all always be there

I can't say high school itself was the good days we didn't know were good but I can say those years were the ones you all took for grante...

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12/14/21

There is a difference between alone and lonely.

I know how to be alone. I am comfortable with being alone.

But I am lonely.

I am invisible and I feel as if I would be knocked over if I didn't move to the side in a crowd of people 

And in turn my face is hard and my body language is guarded. 

Because I feel unseen in everyone else's scene.

I feel like a ghost that my s...

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I can't remember what It feels like to be loved
For someone to like something about you that you hate about yourself
A shoulder to lean on at the end of the day when you've held the weight all on top of yours 
A soft touch when harsh words and heavy hands have hardened yours 
The smell of a meal or a nice word when you step through the door 
Truth is I've been ripped apart to the core and Ive...

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10/28/21

I'm so afraid of your rejection.

For fear of my regression.

Wait! Hush. Just give me a second.

Don't mistake my explanations for aggression.

My mind is overthinking.

Get to know me, I know I'm overflowing, maybe I'm over showing, I know I'm oversharing.

Shut up self. Ugh you can be so overcaring.

This is the fight with myself.

Know that I've been up on many a ma...

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10/22/21

Happiness is fleeting. Joy Is solid. Let me open my brown eyes and believe in something better than lies. Don't wanna have to be looken round for a landing when I'm falling. 

Solid is safe and solid is sure, solid is sound, solid should be my ground.

On the surface I am seen but if you move my hair and touch my face you'll find me underneath begging to be found.

I'm just ...

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10/17/21

I've had one relationship in my life, many many years ago, that made me feel so safe and so loved

And that's the one that broke me for all of the rest

Maybe we seek out that feeling of that really real connection we made, or that we thought we made, for the rest of our lives until it's found or not found

I think I'm a secret Romantic

Unable to let myself go

For all the t...

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9/4/21

When my mind thinks of you, I feel instant disgust. And not all for how you treated me but for myself. For allowing myself to tolerate being so sad and unhappy in a relationship with you.

And I've pondered this feeling of disgust for quiet some time now. So now I realize I am ashamed of my own self for tolerating such treatment. I will need more time to build myself up again. It won't...

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I dont know her.

But I bet I'm everything she isn't 

Loyal and with self control in my body 

The possibility of a woman to go home safe too at the end of the day 

And a woman who worships God above you 

So, you go after all your women and pull their hair and choke them. Have sex like mad.
But I know something you don't.
The idea of what it means to establish a soul tie with someon...

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7/26/21

Some things you'll agree I am 

But you've no room in your heart for me and so I'm sorry, I have to leave. Not later, not never, now.

Meeting at the wrong time or maybe just the right but I know so well, if you feel like your heart can't take anymore you're probably exactly right.

Your sight remains tunnel vision on changing your scenery and making everything right and there's n...

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7/19/21

Called kind and special but let me refresh you

They'll turn the second you tell them the truth

No way for me to prove the circumstances warrant your lack of words but yeah, I know

Move move move, moving into remission of my 15 minutes of fame, of attention

Moving away cause' my heart just hurts when I lean too close

To expect care when I put my soul out there is thinking ...

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6/24/21

Waiting for you all to appreciate me, you made me hate me

Missing out on all of who I am, breaking me down, as if I'm not of high demand, like I'm less than a man

Genuine and honest and pretty funny too

You all take a lot of me and try to put it into you

My outake greater than my intake and your intake greater than mine

But now I'm taking my power back

Well now I'm not...

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6/16/21

Do you remember the time that night you told me to get out of your house as I stood in a towel fresh out of the shower. Wet hair and so ashamed and degraded that the man I thought Loved me would order me out.

Or the time you almost called me a...

The time you yelled at me holding the light in the ceiling until my arms ached.

The time you left me alone at the wedding and alone i...

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Sadly I ponder how they have all made themselves so lovable, those who are loved.

How you made yourself so perfect so as to be adored.

How you deemed yourself worth being treated like a human, like a woman.

Sadly I ponder, why they note her importance when no one has really ever noted mine.

When no one ever wanted to take the time.

Sadly. I ponder.

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4/20/21

The dim glow - no the bright glow - of the light outside my window.
That's all I've gotten to know. 

There's a lizard now that sleeps on the outside of my porch now, here every night. 
I hate lizards but now I'm wondering tonight, where is it?

3 years ago I thought I'd be here.
1 year ago I thought I wouldn't. 
Today I see I am.

27 years old, I know I'm young but 2 years ag...

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3/12/21

I understand that in the past I have put all of my faith in one man

I understand

I need you to understand that I understand

But to process my emotions I must dig down deep into my oceans

My oceans that visit me sometimes at night in my dreams and toss me around, holding my breath until I'm pushed to the shoreline

Some how I am always close enough to be pushed to the shore...

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6/20/2020

Standing outside of my body, standing watching her. She is there but her eyes are worn and she cooks to keep busy now. She feels unlike herself, like she is outside of herself. Some coping mechanism, some kind of choking going on underneath would be the better definition.
She has gotten use to accepting these things more quickly than others but has not yet come to terms with just how...

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1/21/21

Am I a robot to you 

Moving mechanically and precise from your view 

Am I heartless - my soul departed, only cause you think I'm recovered

Only cause you choose what to see and keep certain parts of me under cover

I am not a robot 

I have feelings too 

Can't figure out why people's view of me is so askew

Guess they think I'm a robot 

Just like you 

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1/4/2021

My demon visits me in the dark of the night and wraps its long arms and skinny fingers around my body

Lying in supine with no strength to claw its black hands off of me

Poking and prodding all of my uncertainty and panic of becoming reliant on anything but my new found routine

I try to yell and scream for help but my demon doesn't let me open my mouth

I wrap my hands around...

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1/2/2021

Cause' I wanted you to Love me and you didn't - and I gave so much of myself up for you.

You Loved me the best way you knew how but your eyes always so distant

I thought what I needed was being given but I strained and begged and searched for some committment

Cause' I wanted you to Love me and you didn't

I gave so much of myself up to you and so much tearfall too

Bearing...

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12/16/2020

I am not your worth or your dependency
I am not leniency to justify your overwhelming emotions, your needs
Don't put your weight on me, to be superhuman, to fix all your stressors, your drowning emotions, to hold yourself up in the dark, dark ocean
I have held my own body up for countless years, sunken, and risen up again and all that with the help of no one, especially a man
D...

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10/31/2020

I know that you're not going to be there for me

I can calm my mind with those words, you're not going to be there for me

With the words that use to send my stomach into waves and hard knots, the drunken realization sinking in now...

That you are not going to be there for me

Again I'm waking up with all reliance on myself and my bones aching for only my acknowledgment of t...

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  10/29/2020

The last time you saw me, you said you wanted to erase our memories and banged your head 

You wanted to erase our memories and bang your head 

You wanted to crush our memories, our love hurts enough, you want to kill yourself, erase our memories, and dissolve all our time in your head 

You want to forget me but forget me not because I'm a human too 

Break my heart 

Y...

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In a World of people, why so alone?

With a phone that can tell all, connect to all but yet no one I can call

On a hard asphalt top losing its heat from the day...I cry and I pray

Think about all the ways I will have to pay

For lashing out

For drinken till I sleep

For wearing my heart on my sleeve

No one notices me

When I'm not smiling, when I'm saying somethen that they're ...

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10/18/2020

We're all walking around.

Walking around like we didn't just watch the same show on Netflix last night.

But if I didn't post it, did it really happen.

If I don't kill myself, am I really broken?

You don't care enough and neither does anybody else.

Because we're all going through it, praying through the day, if you have enough sense to pray.

The hardest part is recre...

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9/11/20

I've passed away just like all my pretty flowers.
I've spent time all alone for hours.
I feel isolated, like I'm trapped in a tower, looking out at everyone but they don't see me.

Becoming a woman is realizing that when you're alone, there is no reason that you shouldn't be alone.
Or expect anything more from anybody else than what already is and has been.

I can't be the girl...

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He left me all alone

He didn't mean to make me feel so alone, abandoned

But he's damaged me, abandoned me

Neglected me

There's a cotton candy sky begging my attention

No one is ever here to take care of me

I turn my face away

No one ever listens

The cricket's hum verifies that I'm all alone

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7/1/2020

I open my eyes in the morning, hoping to feel better

Instead I feel dread and loneliness waking back up in my heart

If there was no sunrise I know that I would die

The sun lights up my veins and kisses my skin

But if there was no end to my sleep I would rest in blissful ignorance of the fate that is to always come

Every time

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Hi, I am a smart, sweet, funny, intuitive woman.

I am left a lot. I feel rejected a lot.

I wonder if I could be skinnier

Cook a better meal

Arrange something a little nicer

Be a little more lady like

Stay a little calmer

Be a little kinder

Shove my discomfort away a little longer to meet the needs of another

I think.. should I have dressed a little nicer

Agreed a litt...

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It use to be exciting being on my own.

But every since the very first time I met you, I knew that I never wanted to be alone again.

Grey green eyes, your warm hand over my thigh, I never want to be without you.

I never want to be without you and now I am without you. I find myself grasping the ground as I look around for you.

You brought me up out of the cold and deep and cherished and...

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3/15/2020

My heart swells with so much love for you that I can't understand why you can't understand.
I bask in your love for me, soaking up every touch of your hand.
My mind fights day and night to name the reasons you could love me, I can't understand, I can't understand.
My mouth opens and I yell at you but it's all because I long for you to understand, you just can't, you just can't.
I'...

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12/16/2018

Through trials and tears and stagnant moments of time built up over the years and when I felt all of my love and my giving in my soul dying - through handfuls of tears I spent crying until they subsided into painful silence and blank stares - I am happy to find you at the ends of my fingertips in such inevitability and certainty.

Happy to in a way that only life lessons and simply...

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The taste of red wine on our lips and any trace of hesitancy gone away from me.
It's like with you I can finally breathe. My dark eyes pulling you in, yours greeting me like the ocean.
I've been frozen on the sea floor and now I'm swimming to the surface. The fresh air on my face is alarming and I'm diving back under. But I'll come back up for your lightning because I am the thunder. 
Sigh and ...

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11/7/2018

Shady eyes, welcoming thighs. But they don't notice my shady eyes.
Broken promises and aged expectations.
Every outcome surrounded by humiliation.
Waiting, basking in the silence for a knight in shining armour and the expectation never dissipates.
For whatever reason the aching hope always precipitates.

But she's just a fool and you're a fool too. If people take the time to dig...

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11/5/2018

Crawling on my elbows through trenches just to get away from you. Knowing if you catch me you'll destroy me like you destroyed you. My sub conscious trying to get in touch with me for weeks but I was strong and you were weak, sucking all the love and joy right out of me. I'm a bluebird picking up and leaving. For my next destination. Growing tired in desperation to rest comfortably in...

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10/31/2018

We're all leaving in time. Wait your turn in line. We all smile and say it'll be fine. But we're all leaving in time.

We're all spending our last dime. But we all sigh and wait till Friday again. We're all praying to God. But we're all living in sin.

We're all shedding our tears. But wait. Just give it a few years and you'll be at it again.

We all tried to sing to the s...

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Let a sleeping giant sleep. Let a defiant man weep. Leave problems to themselves to weep and evaporate away with the disappearing light.

Let light fade away to night and questions fade to peace. Let a sleeping man sleep. Let your mind float away with the evening, let your mouth taste the dusk.

Let your spirit caress the rust. Rum and rise. Open your sleepy eyes and we'll retie our ties.

T...

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10/22/2018

My body fallen and tangled up, wrapped in a web of emotion.

My body sunk down deep, as deep as the depths of the ocean.

My thoughts collapsing into wave lengths of commotion.

You look around, straining your ears to hear something. But if you never listened before, now you'll hear nothing.

Emotion swimming around in my body, rough edges scraping against my soft skin. Beggi...

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10/21/2018

Isolation. Like a secret on an island. Intimidation with any kind of relation.

Now every time I'm touched, I bite back with retaliation. Permenant vacation all by yourself. Nice at first. Then you're given more alone time than you will ever need.

The trees rustle in the fall air. My hair tangles, the tips covered in white paint. Working to nurse my aching soul.

My nails rigi...

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10/20/2018

An outreach of arms, a man of charms. God why do this to me? Dropping hope the size of sugar crystals on my heart and then turning them to salt to watch me as I cripple and fall apart. A heart as cold as ice will shatter into splinters when it falls to the ground, eyes dark and wide with understanding will cry when they are gazed into and then left, hands stiff with uncertainty will ...

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10/19/2018
I don't have anything else to give.

I don't have anything else to give and I'm on the floor dying.

Don't they realize she has let go so many times. Not so easily attainable, her need for respect is insatiable.
But so unreachable every time her fingers stretch out to touch it.
Nothing will ever change, each person will treat her the same.
Chew me up and spit me out with my swol...

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My words will keep me awake. If I release too many. My words will fight any chance of sleep if I think too deep. My words inside of my head are safe to keep but once they are written down for the eye to see, every thing unravels. Years of pent up despair put to sleep are now being released. There is no stopping them now. Not now that they've been coaxed out of the shadows. The words on my mind wer...

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10/8/2018

Closure. Hold your composure. Suck it up, tough it up.

Retrace your tracks back to the second it exploded into fragments of stagnant stares, words beyond repair. The second that lack of validation started to become less rare.

Decomposure of self esteem. Static silence falling from a cliff with silver feathers flying and broken wings.

Weightless feathers falling slower than me...

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I have always thought that a year is really not all that long.

I label someone a fool if they think that their life will be the same a year from now.

So many things can happen in just 12 months, so many feelings can dissipate or cease in just 365 days. Things that seemed urgent to discover can fall away or become easier to understand with passing time.

Some will look at me and think...

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4/23/18

I don't expect you to stay.
You mistake my blunt sadness for weakness. You are the fool and I am the bull. For every time I have stood up from the ground with my scars surfacing every inch of my body any one has ever touched pretending they care -  I dusted myself off and smeared my make up 0n my face to push on.

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9/23/18

I walked into the ocean. Wanting to die, maybe.
No. Just wanting to feel something.
Be fearless.
And I was stung. But that's what I wanted wasn't it?
I want to go back in and dive under and be fearless. And feel all there is to feel. I want to disappear from all eyes and embrace every sensation there is to take away what I'm feeling now.
Scare people a little bit, make someone feel...

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