Very good! I can see the middle stanza would work well as a chorus in a song. Those short but sharp lines would suit one very well.
Comment is about Christine. (blog)
To pass over
they say goodbye
children crying so.
It is the
wandering ghost who
cannot let go.
Comment is about The Emergency Room Visit (blog)
Original item by Shirley Smothers
'It’s precious hard to fathom a cat –
harder still to ask for one back.'
I think that's an almost perfect poem on its own. No co-incidence that it is 17 syllables!
It's precious hard to
fathom a cat, harder still
to ask for one back.
Fucking genius. No, I mean it.
Brill
Lovely.
Fab!
: )
Jx
Comment is about When I Was Your Father (blog)
Original item by Ray Miller
Some lovely sonics in here Ray, and agree with Steve, a poignancy about the whole of the piece. I like how that last line links in with the first verse too.
Comment is about When I Was Your Father (blog)
Original item by Ray Miller
Still not sure what 'linear' has got to do with it? Time passes, linearly: sounds like a triple tautology to me.
'Straight back round' clunks a bit for me: is it straight? Is it round? There's nothing 'round' about 90 degrees, that's the corner of a rectangle and, as you say later, is 'square'.
I think there's something rather neat and quite profound here, struggling to emerge from a bunch of hopelessly mixed metaphors.
I suspect, with careful paring, a deft Haiku could emerge.
But, as others have said earlier , 'Hey, what do I know?'
Goodstuff though. Thanks.
: )
Jx
Comment is about Memory Garden (blog)
Original item by Neil Fawcett
Great stuff Laura. You've nailed it brilliantly!
Can't wait to see you shout this out loud!
I posted one recently when I got on my high horse about homelessness called Gimme Shelter and pointed it at the decision makers and fat cats etc.( got a lot of my chest )
The more people that raise the issues the better.
Rock on Sister!
Comment is about Jack's Alright (blog)
Original item by Laura Taylor
Some great images in here...I was totally drawn in by the first 2 lines. 'horizontals on the geometrics' - almost onomatopoeiac
'blub' and repetition of 'sun' both give a feeling of aridity, of parched earth.
An interesting choice of subject, and an unusual take
Comment is about Memory Garden (blog)
Original item by Neil Fawcett
Eerie and quietly affecting.
I recall a dream I had not long after the sudden death
in hospital of my elder sister. In the dream she was
somewhere above...dressed brightly. I asked her if
she was alright. She replied in the affirmative and said that she was enjoying the view from where she was.
True. And even now, unsettling yet comforting.
Comment is about The Emergency Room Visit (blog)
Original item by Shirley Smothers
In amongst the rant (shades of Alf Garnett!),
there are uncomfortable realities. But things
never are what they used to be...as Frank
Norman wryly observed about "nostalgia".
I'm fascinated that when there are plenty of
hard luck tales from the out of work workers,
there are no accounts of Labour millionaires
(plenty of 'em too) stepping up and helping the
brothers and sisters.
Comment is about The Conservative (blog)
Original item by Jesuisnapoleon
Thanks chaps!
Oh, it WILL be shouted Greg, be sure of that ;) Am thinking of saving this one for later on in the year actually - couple of festivals that it'd be bang on for ;D
Aye Neil - tragically, that is the way it is :(
Comment is about Jack's Alright (blog)
Original item by Laura Taylor
Subjects: family - someone whose name I don't know - famous person - someone I love - someone I dislike -friend - ex-boss - neighbour - girl in flower shop - singer
Little understanding, difficulties, loving: first grandson loves me!
My angel who watches over me daily...
Roger Moore: my small child idolised you!
Mature beyond his years: precious second grandson...
nick whatisname of bnp: complete anathema to me
Loud; laughing; serious; caring; giving - my friend!
Generous, kindly - boss, you are no more....
Lilting brogue, bed-ridden; gentle neighbour; God-given!
Cheery, helpful, flower-shop girl: how you've blessed me!
Born to Run: Bruce, you're wonderful!
Comment is about In a nutshell: putting words to faces (article)
Original item by Greg Freeman
These are things that need to be said, Laura; shouted out, in fact. I hope you include this one at the Orwell for the Diggers fundraiser. George would approve, I'm sure.
Comment is about Jack's Alright (blog)
Original item by Laura Taylor
Thanks for your message, rather lengthy and still appreciated.
I still would like to find out how the second version (reading) went. I have not altered my original post for the very reasons you have stated in your prompt response.
It is my hope that my approaching you for a sounding board reflects a value for your opinion and thought process on the poem, rather than seeking to be swayed by every breath of a suggestion, hinted or otherwise.
Again, my gratitude for your interaction and kind words.
Cheers.
Comment is about Chris Co (poet profile)
Original item by Chris Co
Fantastic Laura! Brilliant tub thumping stuff and poignantly accurate, oh how the weak like to feed their fury on the weak.
Comment is about Jack's Alright (blog)
Original item by Laura Taylor
One for performing, obviously :)
Comment is about Jack's Alright (blog)
Original item by Laura Taylor
Miss that show. Sometimes the re-rums are on. I have to get myself a DVD box-set. Thanks for sharing!
Comment is about Hotel Fawlty Towers (blog)
Original item by John Coopey
The key of currency
is 'changing of hands,'
a baton passed on,
in constant motion;
that binds together
all parties involved.
A fresh, crisp bill
is a bright-eyed virgin
between your fingers,
whose anticipation
and epic journey
are yet to unfold.
How does this read?
I've incorporated your much welcome suggestions.
You are greatly appreciated.
Cheers, Frederick
Comment is about Chris Co (poet profile)
Original item by Chris Co
my poem's song would be like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=58nuqLrlNIc#!
Comment is about cacti plant (blog)
Original item by Rachel Bond
Even The Beatles were capable of improvement.
http://www.writeoutloud.net/public/blogentry.php?blogentryid=31005
Comment is about Appearing on the shore: new anthology of Beatles poetry (article)
Original item by Greg Freeman
You might try "ere and after" in some form, like
splashing out on ere and after he's read
I don't say it's any better but the best I can do.
Comment is about SONNET 18 (blog)
Original item by John Coopey
Frederick/Yvonne,
Where ya gone?
You've got no Profile pages anymore.
The site just takes me to the All-Comers Profile page and when I put your names in, there you are - gone!
Hope the Thought Police haven't got you.
Comment is about SONNET 18 (blog)
Original item by John Coopey
Hello Anthony,
Glad you liked "Sonnet 18". I thought I ought to "shed" some light on the Plagiarism debate.
Comment is about Anthony Emmerson (poet profile)
Original item by Anthony Emmerson
Hello Greg,
Thanks for your kind words on "Sonnet 18", my latest masterpiece!
Comment is about Greg Freeman (poet profile)
Original item by Greg Freeman
Hello Steve,
Thanks for your kind thoughts on "Sonnet 18"
Comment is about steve pottinger (poet profile)
Original item by steve pottinger
Hello MC
Thanks for your kind comments on "Sonnet 18"
Comment is about M.C. Newberry (poet profile)
Original item by M.C. Newberry
Hello Ray
Thanks for you thoughts on "Sonnet 18".
I posted this comment myself on the poem's page in the hope of getting some help with my difficulty.
Ray raises a good point about "he may splash out on as he's read". I agree that it isn't quite right although "when he's read" doesn't do it either. This would mean he's splashing out on his dirty book after he's read it. I'm trying to burn both ends of the pun ("splashed out" = spent money and ejaculated); so clearly he'd have spent money on it before he's read it.
I'm struggling to get these concepts in 10 iambic syllables. Any suggestions would be helpful.
In contrast, I'm happy with my original "wife-man's nagging" rather than "wife's man-nagging". "Wife-man/men" was the forebear of "woman/women".
Comment is about Ray Miller (poet profile)
Original item by Ray Miller
tony sheridan
Thu 7th Feb 2013 21:00
About the disillusionment of what might have seemed an idyllic setting/place to live.
Comment is about Lake Song (blog)
Original item by David Blake
As I mention up top, I am indebted to the CT Grey's "Fifty Sheds of Grey" with its marvellous one-liners such as "From that first encounter I was hooked - I just couldn't get enough of sheds and mowers (or S&M for short)"
and
"'I do have one fetish', I confessed, 'MILFS - Mowers I'd Like to Fix'".
Comment is about SONNET 18 (blog)
Original item by John Coopey
Hi Anthony - okay I will try harder next time! I had to look up who Alys Fowler was - spooky! Obviously I'm a trend setter... : )
Comment is about Anthony Emmerson (poet profile)
Original item by Anthony Emmerson
<Deleted User> (9882)
Thu 7th Feb 2013 16:18
"His birth,today,is surely heavens loss"
if only it was to be forever eh Ian?
lovely poem-thanks.x
Comment is about Composed At Braunau (April 20th 1889) (blog)
Original item by Ian Whiteley
<Deleted User> (9882)
Thu 7th Feb 2013 16:06
Hi Greg Thanks for comms on my little 'postcard' from Dubai. I'll have to think about the capitals, like hyphens and italics they can be very problematical! I've now got a set of 20 of these postcards - for the moment that might be it - but who knows if I continue on my travels I might get some more ideas, although these go back over 40 years! Look forward to meeting up again at Guildford.
Comment is about Greg Freeman (poet profile)
Original item by Greg Freeman
<Deleted User> (8659)
Thu 7th Feb 2013 15:15
Hi Val-thank you for stopping by to read my crusty old prawnman's tales. Pleased you are enjoying them!
Comment is about Valerie Cook (poet profile)
Original item by Valerie Cook
Here's a link to the Magma site - and the competition results http://magmapoetry.com/competition-2/
Comment is about Deadline nears for Magma prizes (article)
Original item by Greg Freeman
Yes, I like the ending, much easier to forgive oneself than others. Just a minor thing but it might be nice to end the first line on "errors", errors/failures - an almost rhyme.
Comment is about In Praise of Mistakes (blog)
Original item by Dave Bradley
The key of currency
Is the changing of hands,
That's very good.
I also like the choice of 'participants' and the use of 'unfold'. The latter of course fits very nicely given its double meaning. The former is just a nice off kilter selection, unexpected and really interesting for that fact.
Really good title too by the way, especially so given the connection to virgin and anticipation. These words come together and successfully form an undercurrent of first time love. Titles are very important in my view. Nice to see some real thought going into the selection.
Subjectively I'd probably remove the connective word 'its' from the final line of the first stanza; linguistically I feel that is a little cleaner.
I would also possibly take way the word 'still' from the second line of the second stanza. Just because it feels its inclusion is to gain the rhyme from bill. I don't think the poem needs it. I think the poem is saying something more than this. Again though - just a subjective take.
Irrespective of the above...
It's a good poem - well written - enjoyable.
My Best
Chris
Comment is about Legally Tender (blog)
<Deleted User> (8659)
Thu 7th Feb 2013 09:14
Hi John, Pleased that my tales from the Prawning Fleet continue to entertain you.
I do hope to get back out on to the open mic circuit as and when finances allow-until then, look out for the next thrilling installment!
Comment is about John Coopey (poet profile)
Original item by John Coopey
Travis Brow
Thu 7th Feb 2013 07:11
Thank you all. Once you get your eye in, the penultimate line works, i think. It's based on something my aunty said to me just after she was widowed.
Comment is about The Adaptation. (blog)
Thanks for the feedback Isobel. Yes, the bit in brackets isn't very good really, I agree. I wrote it ages ago where I used to put alternative titles in parentheses.
With this title it was more an image-association thing with me so I understand must be difficult for anyone else to follow. That's the trouble with me not having really shared my poems much up to now, in that I can't really get a good sense of what I'm doing right or wrong.
You're right about the title. But it was more of an image-poem here rather than following a clear meaningful narrative, which can sometimes backfire with me. For people who like certainty and not just messing around for words, I guess this poem isn't going to be their thing.
Comment is about María en la Roca (Sewage Filter) (blog)
Original item by David Blake
Thanks for taking a look at my poetry David - and welcome to WOL!
I very much enjoyed your profile poem. It seems like the poem of a much older person though - you look too young to be so battle worn - I'm hoping that means you've lived life to the full :) Take care for now. x
Comment is about David Blake (poet profile)
Original item by David Blake
I very much like the first verse; which doesn't mean that I don't like the rest, just that I don't follow it.
With the title, I get a connection to visions/Virgin Mary/miracles. The juxtaposition with sewage filters leads me to think that the poem will be a satire or an undermining of the nature of the woman - but I'm left wondering, not understanding, which I find hard.
Comment is about María en la Roca (Sewage Filter) (blog)
Original item by David Blake
Thanks for the feedback Ann. It's semi-autobiographical, based on somewhere real and on the impression of the scene/place I was left with at the time.
I intentionally went for a paranoid, claustrophobic feel, making the protagonist feel like shouting: "I shouldn't be here!" or "I'm being watched!" Hence the title. Although zombies weren't really on my mind here I'm afraid, haha!
It was actually the first poem I'd written of my latest 2009-present carnation. And one of my best, in my opinion. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment is about The Intruder (blog)
Original item by David Blake
Thanks for your welcome to WOL and your kind words on 'The Dream at the Party'.
Comment is about garside (poet profile)
Original item by garside
Have very much enjoyed reading your work so far Isobel. Keep it up!
Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)
Original item by Isobel
Brilliant tribute Isobel. Really enjoyed reading this.
Comment is about The Sky at Night (blog)
Original item by Isobel
David Blake
Fri 8th Feb 2013 17:12
I like the final line; it brings the whole piece to an abrupt yet fitting end. Putting something into plain words can sometimes have the biggest impact. Good stuff!
Comment is about However it may seem. (blog)