Ten seconds to go before I ring in the new year,

I balance on my left leg and let it appear.

On the last second of the countdown when the clock does strike,

To lay down my right foot is what I do like.

The trauma of 2020 behind my left foot I put,

And always start the new year off on the right foot.

A happy new year to all and sundry,

Let's hope 2021 will not be as thunde...

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I felt lonely even in a house of six,

I was thrown into a blender ,unable to mix.

No-one was close to me, I was shy.

Depressed,traumatised,reaching puberty,ready to die !

I was drawn into a point of desperation,

From my family ,a desire grew for separation.

Angry and sad from my family I took flight,

And slept on the church steps for many a night

It's hard being a...

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"Old age can be a platter of pleasure,

Eat it wisely and love your leisure.

Time moves really fast,

The years soon become the past.

Be conscious of every single  day,

Don't let it sadly fly away.

The luxuries in my life have fortunately come about,

The necessities therefore I can do without.

Old age can be a platter of pleasure,

Eat it wisely,love your leisure.

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Poozart was a composer of great brilliance,

When faced with problems showed remarkable resilience.

Each of his compositions shone with improvement,

But unfortunately he had problems with his last movement.

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A Christmas present from one of my mates,

A box of extra special,rich sweet dates.

I hastily eat every single one,

To the loo I  urgently did run.

A cure for constipation I did get,

But still on the loo not off yet.

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A fly had flown a long way,

Lands and looks for a place to stay.

Proceeds into a field and sits next to me ,

And politely asks,"Is this stool free ?"

The stool had just been excreted by my pup.

 Put to good use,I didn't have to pick it up.

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Members of the public were on a high,

As they passed a strong smell of cannabis nearby.

They rang the police and instigated a raid,

Many plants close to harvesting were found  !An arrest was made.

A sophisticated set-up through the whole house was spread,

Upstairs three rooms full of plants,no bed.

The kitchen was the area where the perpertrator resided,

The electricity h...

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A pair of Brussel sprouts were on a night out,

One stepped off a kerb, got injured by a car going flat out.

At A&E the doctor had good news and bad,

"The good news I have for you,

He is going to pull through,

The bad news,he is going to go under the knife.

And will end up being a vegetable for the rest of his life !"

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Santa before Christmas developed a desire for mating,

As home alone went on a site for speed dating.

 On his first date luckily he pulled a cracker,

Won her over  as on her lips,he  planted a smacker.

Mary Christmas at ftrst gave him the cold shoulder,

But things flourished as they got older.

Together they raised money for many a good cause,

Loud claps they received at ga...

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Merry Christmas and a happy new year,

To all that read this,no matter what teer.

Due to this pandemic we are devoid of fun,

Hopefully we'll return to normality in 2021.

Poems are permanent keep putting pen to rhyme,

Focus on the positive and have a good time.

Writing a poem is no route to wealth,

But definitely will improve our mental health.

Remember we are poets...

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HSBC-----Have Such Bother Communicating,

Long waits for an answer,infuriating !

No business advice or branch aid,

Business advisers,at home covid afraid.

,

Business enquiries are shuved under the mat,

I'm sure we deserve better than that.

We are put to wait in a long queue,

A call back is way overdue.

I have been with HSBC when they were Midland Bank,

Many years ...

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Shirley going to church sees a beautiful dress in a shop  on her way,

"Hi please can I try on the dress in your shop window ?"to an  employee she did say.

"Of course ,"said the employee,"But you'd be better off using the changing rooms at the back."

For uttering an inappropriate remark ,the employee was given the sack.

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At the moment I am in the dark my mind is numb,

Hopefully we'll all be vaccinated in 2021.

I am confident  this will come true,

But no more Christmas for me and you.

As the virus changes it's method of attack,

We must  strengthen our defences in our fight back.

If you've packed your bags to go away,

Unpack them now and at home do stay.

A new variant of the virus i...

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Dad says to Fred,"You've been adopted!"

"I had a feeling that was the case!"Fred errupted,

No Fred,"We are your biological mum and dad,

Your new parents will be here soon,your driving us mad !"

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There once was an Irishman from Clough,

Who left the  supermarket in a huff.

His mission did fail,no toilet paper for sale.

"Butt", a  newspaper he did find,to wipe his behind.Times are rough !

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Amelia went into foster care early as a child,

But unfortunately flowered into something really wild.

Entering her teens she broke rule after rule.

Rebelling,truanting,disengaging from her school.

She wouldn't show up at school was frequently late,

Meetings with Amelia's head teacher her foster mum did hate.

She never cleaned her room or did her washing

Stressed everyone ...

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Two monkeys were sat up a tree,

They looked a little bored to me.

The jungle was full of Christmas joy,

The two monkeys were really coy.

They were the laughing stock of the jungle,

Decorating a Christmas tree they did bungle.

Everything they did seem to go wrong,

But one day they burst into song.

"Jungle bells,jungle bells,jungle all the way."

Santa as a reward...

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"I can't wait to see my pet,

Driving home for Christmas, not there yet.

Driving in my car wearing my Christmas pullover,

Driving home for Christmas in my dad's old rover.

Driving home for Christmas makes me feel good and happy,

Forgetting the pandemic and the year that was crappy !

Driving home for Christmas shedding all my fears,

Let's hope next year is a good one withou...

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The 5 day break is a big mistake,

Many,many hearts will definitely break.

N.H.S staff are stressed,their moral is low,

Into a lockdown before Christmas we must go.

In the days to come there is fear,

Do we want to lose our old and dear ?

A storm of infection is lurking out there,

If we gather for Christmas ,producing a  scare.

The danger to doctors and nurses leave...

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A soldier ran up to a nun in need,

"Please may I hide under your skirt?"The nun agreed.

Two military police ran by looking for the man,

Down to the town centre they swiftly ran.

The soldier crawled out and said,"I don't want to go to Iraq ."

And commented,"You have a great pair of legs,"as he did embark.

The nun watched the soldier as he ran down the hill,

"I don't want t...

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Josh was driving home from work down the motorway,

His wife rang she had something urgent to say.

"Be careful my dear on your way home,

A lunatic on the wrong side of the motorway does roam !"

"A similar thing is happening to me,

One car after another is driving towards  me !"

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It was a dark dismal night,

Suddenly walking home  I had a fright.

I took a short-cut through a graveyard alone,

Trembling with fear I came across an old guy sanding a gravestone.

"Oh my goodness ,you gave me such a fright,

What are you doing working this time of night ?"

The old man says,"I was buried yesterday,the undertaker's to blame,

The stupid idiot had misspelt my ...

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God was constantantly busy creating the earth,

The sky, the clouds,the hills and humans giving birth.

He took great pride in creating trees and flowers,

Time was a blessing,a year,a month and 24 hours.

Half would be dark and half would be light,

He tackled His creations with all His might.

Satisfied with His creations ,with His angels He did pray,

And said,"Now we must re...

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The police are our army on the front line,

Protecting us from danger all of the time.

At the start of their shift not knowing what lies ahead,

Turning up to an affray,maybe witnessing someone dead.

Tasked with addressing every social problem out there,

Mental illness,homlessness,youth violence,a bomb scare !

The events of August the 15th last year caused national outrage,

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Molly had  led a very sheltered life,her dad was a vicar.

Lou was one of ten, a family who loved their liquor.

Molly against sound advice moved in with her friend Lou,

But Lou started using 4 letter words she was not used to.

"They're 4 letter words mum ,I have not heard before,

Please,please come and get me,I can't take anymore !"

Please,please mum !Pick me up you must!

...

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I was told a vaccine joke by my friend Kit,

I didn't laugh 'cos I didn't get it.

When young my twin was vaccine free,

Countless vaccines were injected into me.

I've had many illnesses he had none,

Being constantly injected was not much fun.

"I never knew you had a twin,"said a friend.

"Yeh I did,but sadly his life ,early on ,came to an end."

AVOID DANGER GET ...

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I was having a meal at a posh place to eat,

The waiter delivered the meal with his hands on the meat.

I said,"That's disgusting,I don't want that meal anymore !"

"But sir,it was the only way I could be sure it didn't  fall again on the floor!"

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Bethan and Bing were driving through Wales on their way to Abersoch.

They stopped for lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyndrobwylliantysiliogogogoch.

Bethan asked the waitress,"Can you pronounce very slowly where we are to my friend Bing?"

"Off course I can,"replied the waitress,"You are at Burrr......Gurrr......King."

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Claire calls the fire-brigade,her need was dire.

"Help me,help me my house is on fire!"

The fireman replied,"Ok how do we get there?"

"In the red truck with the blue light !"she cried in despair.

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Jane took her husband to the hospital  with a damaged wrist,

The nurse bandaged it and gave him an instruction list.

She reassured him," adhere to that  list and you won't do anything wrong,

And I can confidently say,you won't be with us for long."

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Harry has been dating a homeless lady,

With a posh name  ,Janice O'Brady.

It's getting serious ,I think they might marry,

She asked him,"Please will you move out with me Harry?"

Harry moved out with her and lived in the park.

No electricity bills,she became his light and kept him warm in the dark.

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Mean Matt walked past a homeless guy with a sign which said,

"One day this could be you !"

Mean  Matt kept his money in his pocket,

Just in case it came true.

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Jake fell off his bike and injured his ear,

A serious hearing loss Jake did fear.

On seeing his doctor an operation was scheduled for the end of December,

It was a complicated procedure a day Jake will always remember.

The operation was a success,Jake took the doctor out for a beer.

The doctor  wished Jake,"A merry Christmas and a happy new EAR.!"

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Bing arrived at Maternity with his wife Jane ,

Her last delivery was fearful ,a pain.

The doctor said to Bing,

"Relief to your wife I can bring."

"We have a machine ,as you are the dad, will transfer the pain to you."

"Great I will do anything to  help my wife get through."

20 percent of the pain at first was transferred to Bing,

"That was great ,I didn't feel a thing !"

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An elderly couple in church sat in the front row,

The husband turns to the wife and says,"To the loo I must go,

I've just let off a long silent smell."

Wife says,"Replace the battery in your hearing aid as well !"

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Bob had been married to Beryl for 20 years

But bad news on the phone Beryl hears.

"Your husband Bob has been involved in a fatal crash,"

To the scene of the accident Beryl did dash.

It was a motorway pile up three others had died,

Distraught ,Beryl holding Bob's cold hand cried.

It came to her mind the thought  of the funeral ahead,

"I don't want to be cremated ,I want to...

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Jim walks past an asylum one day,

Hears lots of shouting,maybe an inmate affray.

"Nine, nine, nine ! ," the inmates did shout,

Jim peered through a gap to see what it was about.

A hose pipe suddenly appears,

Wet through ,more shouting Jim hears.

"Ten,ten,ten,"Jim was wet through,

"Ten,ten,ten, we were counting on you!"

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A cannibal came home and was ready to eat,

His wife was in the kitchen chopping up the meat.

"I'm getting excited what are you going to make ?"

She was chopping up a small man and a snake.

"I'm sorry the small man had to die,

But I do love snake and pigmy pie."

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Jane and Tom,an elderly couple were sat on a bus,

In front of them a young couple causing  quite a fuss.

All over each other and constantly kissing,

Jane says to Tom ,"That's what your missing !"

Tom stares at the young girl and says,"She's very pretty,

She's too young,I don't think she'll let me."

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"There's a burglar in the house !"Jane screams to Jake.

"He's just eaten half of my newly cooked cake!"

"Oh my goodness ,"Jake shouts,"I'd better ring 999 !"

"The ambulance will be with you soon,"said the medic on the line.

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Tim a bachelor with lots of money,

Planned a holiday to somwhere sunny.

He met a gorgeous girl who was only thirty,

Well dressed,well spoken and terribly flirty.

He brought her home to live in his house,

His friends were mesmerized by his new "spouse".

Newly retired at the age of sixty-five,

They all hoped his relationship would survive.

They asked,"How did you at...

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Sid went to an auction wasn't sure what to buy,

But a rather fine looking parrot caught his eye.

The bidding was fierce it made quite a lot,

But finally the winning bid Sid got.

Exhausted to the payment desk Sid did walk,

On the way asked the auctioneer if the parrot could talk.

"Yes ,"said the auctioneer,"he is one of a few,

He was the one bidding against you."

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I passed a sign outside a caff,

A sign that made me really laugh.

Monday .Fried chicken.

Tuesday.Pork chops.

Wednesday .Roast  lamb.

Thursday.Roast beef.

Friday,Senior citizens.

Are senior citizens any good to eat ?

Too much bone and not much meat.

I hope it won't be my fate,

To end up on a Cannibal caff plate.

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Three lads were out on the town,

The drinks they kept putting down.

One passes out and hits the ground,

One goes to the bar to buy the next round.

"What's he having there, lying  on the floor?"

"Oh he's drivng,can't have anymore."

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Jim leaving the pub a bit worst for drink,

Next step the cinema ,he did  think.

He buy's a ticket and staggers inside,

Soon  to buy another he did decide.

Two minutes later he's back buying a third,

The ticket office girl thought this was absurd .

Jim says,"Everytime I go in a bloke tears my ticket in half !"

The girl in the ticket office had a good laugh.

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Bill was speeding in a truck with a bunch of ducks in the back,

A policeman pulls him up and  gives him loads of flack.

"I just don't  know what to do with these ducks anymore !"

To the zoo down the road the cop advised him to go.

Next day Bill drives down the road and the policeman passes,

This time all the ducks are in the back wearing designer sun glasses.

"It is obvious the z...

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Jane asked John if he wanted his palm read,

"Yes please,"John happily said.

A pot of red paint she did dispand,

And tipped  it all over his hand.

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"Get up you lazy boy,

Staying at home should not be your ploy !" 

"But mum I don't want to be there anymore,

The kids are bullies,the teachers terrible,work's a chore."

"Eat your breakfast and go in you fool,

Your 50 years old and head of the school !"

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Jane was racing down the motorway in her new car,

Foot on the accelerator,over the speed limit by far.

Jane purchased the car because her abusive husband had left,

In prison serving a long sentence for theft.

Suddenly a blue light appeared from behind,

It was on the cards for her to be banned and fined.

The cop looked tired and said,"It's Friday the 13th ,I've had a bad day,

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"Are bugs good to eat?"

John asks his dad Pete.

"That's a disgusting question to  ask ,get real !"

They both carried on enjoying their meal.

Later,"Now why did you ask me that question  John?"

"There was a bug in your meal,but now it's gone."

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"I reached for a bottle every single day,

Working at home in the first lockdown,less structure to my day.

My hangovers were getting really bad,

To feel better,more drinks at lunchtime I had.

A shot of alcohol I needed to make me shine,

It dulled my senses ,I was trapped by this habit of mine.

Drink dulled my senses and falsely overcame my stress,

Diminishing my ability to...

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"Our gym was the life and soul of our town,

But due to lockdown it had to close down.

We hit a wall when it came about,

It just didn't work out ! "

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The teacher was asking tricky questions in her class.

Most of them had done well in their exams and secured a pass.

"How many times can you subtract ten  from a hundred?"

All the answers were incorrect,they'd truly blundered.

But the correct answer came from the class dunce. 

"The next time you would be taking ten from ninety.So once !"

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Two ghosts were trick or treating on Halloween,

They were pretending to be kids,that was mean !

But luckily they were not sucessful in what they tried to do,

Because they were so easy to see through.

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John and Lyn belonged to the elite,

Two talented artists ready to compete.

They entered the contest,John was the favourite to win.

But a really good picture was painted by Lyn.

The judges were in awe,

It ended up a DRAW.

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I tossed a coin to see who would be president.

Who would be the next White House resident.

Heads for Biden,tails for Trump.

Up in the air the coin did jump.

Heads it fell upon the floor,

Trump is president no more.

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Dave was brought up in a working class town.

Paul his mate was posh and frequently on Dave looked down.

"There are many benefits being working class,"Dave said to Paul.

"I've been very fortunate,I've claimed them all."

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Schools should be shut ,

For infections  to be cut.

Schools are a major contributor to the spread,

A hype in September on their return ,I did dread.

Disaster struck straight away,

Schools must close to make lockdown pay.

Keeping schools open definitely will,

Lead to a longer lockdown still.

Schools have to be shut to avoid disaster,

Please don't let covid becom...

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"We don't talk anymore,

He's 93 and I'm 94.

We've been together since 1953,

We never argue or disagree.

The secret,we can't hear anymore."

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Going out with uncle John was a danger,

In Westminster he embraced a complete stranger.

Armed police were called out,

To sort things out.

Thinking the P.M.'s life was in danger.

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There once was a Welshman from Ebbw Vale,

Who  wanted to have a good ride on a whale.

They returned from the ride with the Welshman inside,

And a smile on the face of the Whale.

Written by Morfil

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Father John was on his way to the crematorium,

He was flagged down by a lady near the Emporium.

She asked,"Can you tell me where the hospital is,I'm a nurse?

He told her and then waved at a passing hearse.

"I'm sorry I'm going to have to go."

Not wearing any clerical clothes his occupation she did not know.

"That is my funeral I must get there really fast." 

"Oh my dear,m...

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Amelia lived in Sabden and was a witch,

In school she was unpopular and was  called a bitch.

This troubled her very much,

Her class mates were cruel and out of touch.

But belonging to a witch family was not so bad,

Her mum was a witch and so was her dad.

Her dad would drive safely in the back seat,

Her mum while at work would make her house neat.

There was always ...

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I am a witch in tier three,

No trick or treating for you and me !

Around my neighbourhood I cannot zoom,

Depressed and dismal in a pool of gloom.

I'm sometimes described as a bad tempered witch,

I fly off the handle and become a bitch.

When at school I frequently rebelled, 

On two occasions I was ex-pelled.

The only subject I did really well,

Was English where I lea...

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"I got my sheepdog 5 years ago from 93 year old Alan Leek.

Due to enter a carehome a new home for Cap he did seek.

Five years on I thought how lonely he might be,

I just wanted to bring joy into his life and his old friend to see.

"On my trip up to Kendal I covered 300 mile,

Seeing the look on Alan's face made it all worthwhile.

Alan was so happy and Cap was happy too,

An...

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Lyn became an undertaker after being a nurse.

Much less stressfull driving a hearse.

Her husband Jim passed by the cemetry one day,

Noticed a new fence, a queue  and quite a delay.

"Why have they built a new fence Lyn?"

"Because people are dying to get in."

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"I am not an alcholic or addicted to a drug,

I am here because I was abused by a thug.

He's in a warm bed after abusing me,

But wrapped in my blanket,I'm feeling free.

Free from abuse and trauma at home,

Round the streets with my back pack I  roam.

Life on the streets can be tragic,

But the generosity of the kind is magic.

My little dog plays his part,

Fed by m...

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The covid witch is here to stay,

No sign of her going away.

All over the world she casts her spell,

An invisible curse,a door to hell.

Fever,cough ,headache and sore throat,

No cure yet, the witch does gloat..

But a turning point came in her life,

To put an end to the covid strife.

All her life she had been a tractor fan,

But while driving one she crashed into ...

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Mary's husband in a carehome resides,

There due to lockdown ,unvisited,does hide.

Suffering dementia,the past he has lost,

"Every day I don't see him,comes at a cost.

He has been my husband for 50 years,

For his mental health I have grave fears.

My husband needs contact with the one he has loved,

Sectioned and secluded into a care home he's been shuved.

In dementi...

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Jill and Kline were at home sipping wine,

"I love you,"said Jill,"your mine."

"Is that you or the wine talking?"asked Kline.

"It's me,"said Jill,"talking to the wine."

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Sum Ting Wong over from China on vacation,

Said to me,"Seeing all those flags make me proud of my nation."

"But Sum your Chineese and  all those flags are union jacks."

"Yes,but just take a look at the labels on their backs."

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Diana sat in the bus shelter,tears pouring down her face,

Her eyes red and puffy,she looked a disgrace.

An old lady came over and gave her a tissue,

Put her arm round Diana tried to comfort the issue.

"He's probably not worth it, the ignorant lout,

Get rid of him quickly,he's messing you about ! "

The old lady's bus arrived,she waved as she drove away.

Diana waved back,th...

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The world's Tongue Twisting Champion  was up in court for deceit,

He sat in the dock wondering what sentence he would meet.

The tough sentence he received was a shock,

He was lost for words sadly sat in the dock.

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Down with a virus 5 year old Jane went,

To the nurse at the surgery with her dad she was sent.

The nurse was there,blood ready to draw,

Jane and her dad entered the surgery in awe.

The nurse,eyes fixed on her folder,

Said,"I will take the blood from your shoulder."

Jane was perplexed ,didn't know what was going on,

"I'll wait for you outside dad,"back to the car she had g...

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"The day of the Lord will come like a thief."

The worldly effect of the pandemic is beyond belief.

"The heavens will disappear with a roar."

The spread of the virus definitely does soar.

"The elements will be destroyed by fire."

These pandemic predictions are dire.

"And the earth and everything done, it will be laid bare."

Reading these predictions gave me a sca...

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Jude was worried about her weight,

The tyre round her waist ,she did hate.

Her doctor said,"Hey Jude ,you need to diet,

Eat normal for two days,,skip a day,try it.

I guarantee after a fortnight you'll shed five pounds,

The fat will fly off in leaps and bounds."

When Jude returned , twenty pounds she had shed,

"That third day though I nearly droppped dead !"

"Amazing,"s...

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"A new way of life I have found,

I live in the lungs of a smoker ,spreading covid around.

When he coughs I am in his particles of saliva circulating in the air,

And the infectious coronavirus I love to share.

In some competitions called "cloud  cleansing,"vapers compete,

A large cloud with me in it,you might meet.

When exhaling vaping clouds ,microscopic droplets they do spr...

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"A woman walking out alone,

I snatched her bag and mobile phone.

I left her bruised and distressed,

My first crime, I'd passed my test.

I took my spoils quickly home

Through Yellow Pages my eyes did roam.

I came across the "Lady Luck Bargain Store,

Anything bought we give you more."

When I arrived my heart missed a beat,

The lady I had mugged ,I was about to me...

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Dan put  his blue face mask on when getting out of the car.

Jake covered his face up with an elegant blue bra.

"Why are you wearing that ?"asked Dan.

"My wife found it in the back of my works van."

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Caring Naomi  Jupp has been given an honarary police prize,

For alerting the police when worried about a customer's possible demise.

An elderly man had not collected his paper from the day before,

Naomi had left it half hanging out of his letter box front door.

The next, day, the previous day's delivery was in the way,

Naomi concerned rang the police without delay.

"I have p...

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Did you know that numbers can fight?

Large numbers all over the world frequently might.

Number 19 and 20 is an example of one.

Both numbers fought and twenty won.

Hope you figured that one out

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"Lonely she lies in her carehome bed,

When will I get to see her in the days ahead?

I don't know how long she has to live,

A touch and a hug  I cannot give.

My mum thrives on constant interaction,

For the last 6 months we have been deprived of  action.

The thought of not seeing her is tearing me apart,

Not to see her again will break my heart.

I myself am a mother...

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A female being bullied and persecuted by the press,

I thought at first,the damage  inflicted they couldn't care less.

I thought the poor woman is being attacked while ill.

Criticising Dominic Cummings flouting lockdown was top of her bill.

Cummings drove to his family in lockdown up home,

But she on a train journey from London to Glasgow did roam.

She got her nails done,shop...

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Jake was driving home quite fast,

Uknowingly a police car he had passed.

The police quickly gave chase,  

Into a services Jake did race.

The police car pulled him up, Jake angrily did moan.

"You've interrupted my conversation,I was on the phone! !"

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What is happening is beyond our control at the mo,

The number of schools hit by closures continues to grow.

Re-opening schools has accelerated the spread,

Many school employees returning ,scaringly did dread.

Covid 19 infections in children is very mild,

But from our little incubators the spread gets wild.

9 million children have gone back to school,

But the virus due to ...

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Jack sold a donkey to his friend Fred,

He delivered the donkey but sadly it was dead.

Fred thought,"Oh no I'm a hundred quid worse off !"

Then he said,"Great   I think I'll raffle him off."

"You can't raffle a dead donkey ,that's wrong Fred !"

"Sure I can I won't tell them he's dead."

All went well ,he sold 500 tickets at 2 quid apiece,

And made 898 quid profit from a don...

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A man burst into the doctor's surgery and flung open the door.

Jumped on the doctor's back and counted."One!Two!Three!Four!"

"What do you think you are doing?"shouted Dr Pugh.

"Well doc,everyone did say I could count on you."

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I love being a swan a partner I do seek,

I'm majestic,graceful,white with a yellow beak.

I possess a beak with saw like edges for my teeth,

My long neck delves for plants deep underneath.

I love my elongated curved neck,

Its flexibility keeps me in check.

I have 25,000 feathers to keep me warm,

Over canals and lakes with family swarm.

With a streamlined body and w...

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I jump into my hundred pound car,

With dog,drink and bounty bar.

We drive to the canal and unload my bike,

And hit the tow path doing what we like.

Dog runs along by my side,sometimes ahead, 

The fresh air and variety brings joy to each head.

We proceed for an hour at a sensible pace,

Both suitably satisfied and feeling ace.

We seek a bench and relax at our destin...

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David Clarke died earlier this week on the outskirts of town,

Tragically walking his dog,by a herd of cows was mowed down.

David taught at  Richmond School in Yorkshire for 23 years,

The community are devastated,shedding numerous tears.

A brilliant deputy head and simply a lovely leader

Enriched the life of everyone a true good deeder.

An amazing devoted teacher full of fun,

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Jim ran out of fuel in the dessert in his van,

He was thirsty so he thought I must run as fast as I can.

Having run ten miles and ready to die,

He came across a man selling many a tie.

Jim ignored the salesman and ran another mile,

Came to a tavern with people queuing outside in style.

Collapsing,thirsty ,tired and ready to die,

The doorman shouted,"Sorry,no entry no tie !"

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The local vicar rang his newsagent to complain,

"You've forgotten to send me my Sunday Times again."

The newsagent replied,"Your Sunday Times was not delivered today,

It will be delivered as usual tomorrow on Sunday."

The vicar apologised and said,"I thought I had been left in the lirch,

That's why there was no-one present today at my church.""

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Jack loved to share the occasioal joke,

At his pub on stage he frequenly spoke.

To share a joke about a virus he was bound,

Suddenly midway he stopped ,he didn't want to spread it around.

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"The coronavirus face mask ruling has changed my life,

I am no longer regarded by others as a persecuted wife.

I am no longer seen as an outcast or a security threat,

Whenever I used to go shopping many a vile comment I did get.

A change has come about when everyone is masked,

Entering a public place,to wear one you are asked.

No-one says a word about my veil at all,

Now ...

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A second wave is looming out there,

We must not give up and succumb to despair.

Hands ,face,space and rule of six,

We as a nation this pandemic  must fix.

How did we get in such a pickle?

Our future looks dark and fairly fickle.

Together we must bond to beat this plight,

 Fight the good fight with all our might.

Unite and fight as a determined nation,

To overco...

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"Sadly at the age of 16 I was left without a mother,

Abused mentally ,physically and sexually by my older brother.

I started smoking and drinking a lot,

Hanging around with the wrong crowd,depressed I got.

Treated like a toilet in my early life,

Doorways became my home,my sheltered strife.

Sleeping in the park on a bench I sometimes did,

Underneath my blanket I worringly ...

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"Homlessness due to the pandemic is on the up,

I sit in the city centre shivering holding my cup.

I'm viewed as an unsightly nuisance on the street,

Isolated from the rest of the community, begging to eat.

The slide towards homlessness for me was slow,

On a gradual fall through social safety nets I did go.

Bad choices in life got me into this situation,

Unemployed begging...

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Jane was seeking a birthday gift for her mother-in-law,

An unusual idea advertised in the local press she saw.

An expensive plot in a posh cemetry she did buy,

It lay unused as her mother-in-law did not die.

On her next birthday she bought her nothing at all,

She was really angry and at Jane did bawl.

She shouted so loud it created a pain in Jane's ear.

Jane responded,"Yo...

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Two teenagers into a sweet shop did go,

Into one of their pockets three chocolate bars go.

The thief leaves the shop and gloates about what he has done.

"You go in next,"he says to his mate,"let's have some fun !"

His mate goes in and blatantly scoffs three chocolate bars quick,

And says to the shopkeeper watching,"Would you like to see my trick ?

Look in my mate's pocket an...

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A tired  looking dog sat by my front door one day,

He looked into my eyes,what was he trying to say?

I gave him a dog treat and a loving pat,

He followed me in and curled up on my mat.

He woke up after resting for a long time,

Looked lovingly into my eyes and left mine.

The next day he did the same thing,

Happiness to his eyes again I did bring.

He did the same th...

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Nora was a retiree and had plenty of free time,

Sometimes sat on a bench writing a poem with rhyme.

One day she was at the town centre coming out of a shop,

And was confronted by a parking ticket been written by a cop.

Nora went up to him and said,"How about giving a pensioner a break?"

"You parked on a double yellow line,for God sake !"

Nora replied,"Go to hell turd and fac...

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Two teenagers acted in a manner difficult to comprehend,

High on drink and drugs, brought the life of a hard working family man to an end.

Murdered with a sword in a senseless and barbaric attack,

While investigating a gathering of youths at his factory back.

Hacked to death with more than  a hundred  blows,

Taking turns to stab,slash and chop in frenzied flows.

How and eart...

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Steve was on the phone to his wife,

"I have just had the worst experience of my life,

Sonia has just taken me to health care,

She pushed me there in a wheel chair.

I was leaving work and was hit by a van,

The driver was drunk and away from the scene he ran.

The police pursued the driver but all was in vain,

I am in hospital waiting for a scan on my brain."

"I have thre...

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The new vicar of St Giles,who's name was Pete,

Saw a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell across the street.

Pete thought ,"Bless him,poor little thing."

Walks over,smiles,gives the doorbell quite a ring.

"What now my boy,do you think they will have heard the bell?"

"Yes here they come,now we must run like hell !!"

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Fred had a stain on his new white sweater,

Wong's laundry for removing stains,there was no-one better.

Wong tried his best to remove the stain,

Gave up in the end his efforts were in vain.

Wong rang his brother and asked him to try,

But his brother too could not remove the dye.

Permanently stained and never to be white,

The moral, "Two Wongs can never make a white ."

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Phill went to a fishmongers and bought six trout,

Been fishing all day ,never caught nowt .

"Please can you throw them at me one by one ?"

"Off course" ,said the fishmonger,"It'll be fun ."

Phill went home and  placed them in a large dish,

And proudly boasted that he had caught six fish.

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The sailors in Portsmouth were off their boats,

All the ladies were out all night sowing their oats.

In the morning the sailors jumped on their boats and sailed away.

The ladies got down on their knees and for a crop failure did pray.

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George went to the doctor with diarrhoea,couldn't put up with it anymore.

The doctor asked,"Have you had any trouble with diarrhoea before?"

"Yes when I was at school it troubled me quite a lot,

If I'd known how to spell it,full marks in English I would have got."

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Jake took his young sister Jane fishing at the local lake,

On returning Jake sighed,"Mum a promise I must make,

I'm never taking her fishing again,

She never listens to me,she's a pain !"

"Hope she hasn't picked up any nasty  germs."

"No mum,not yet,but she kept eating my maggots and worms."

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The coronavirus curse needs fixing,

Please,please avoid social mixing !

Do as you are told,

Avoid the spread to the old.

Avoid going to a rave,

Sending a family member to the grave.

Coronavirus an unwelcome gift from those you love the most,

Family clusters,neighbours and friends could become a deadly host.

We are more likely to get it from those that we know real...

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Jenny was very attractive and worked at the bank,

But lost her job,coronavirus she had to thank.

Footfall to her bank had gone low,

So to the labour exchange she had to go.

She put on a suit to make an impression,

It was red and a tight fit,she was quite a sensation.

She got a job as an undertaker,

People are now dying to see her.

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Joe at the chemist went up to the girl stacking the shelves,he'd just seen her.

He asks ,"What kills coronavirus?"she replies,"Ammonia cleaner."

"I'm sorry I thought you worked here,

Please can you tell me where the chemist is my dear."

"I am the chemist ,my name is Ah Chu,

How can I help you ?"

Joe frightened by the sneeze,

Left didn't feel at ease.

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Fred was waiting for an x ray,he'd hurt his hip,

The nurse in the x ray department told him to strip.

Fred took great care of his body and was really fit,

The nurse from behind a screen watched as he discarded  his kit.

"Where shall I put my clothes ,there's no sign ?"

The nurse quickly replied ,"Put them on top of mine ."

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"Get up ,"shouted Tom's mum from the bottom of the stair,

"But I don't want to go,"shouted Tom back in despair.

"I hate the school the kids are really bad,

The teachers are terrible,when I leave I'm glad."

"I'm bored as around the school I roam,

I'd much prefer to be with you at home."

"You must get up and not let them rule,

Your fifty years old and the headmaster of the ...

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Bob went bald like many men,

Never to grow his hair agen.

Kit a friend from the past remembered his birthday,

They'd not met for twenty years,lived far away.

She sent him a comb as he used to  have a good head of hair.

Not knowing now that there was nothing there.

Bob sent a note back to his old friend Kit.

"Thanks for the comb,I'll never part with it."

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I sit on a bench and people watch,

Better than being at home with a bottle of scotch.

In watching people I feel alive,

And along with them I'm here to survive.

The present must be enjoyed,

Lungs,heart and liver deployed.

Fight for the future that you will love,

Enjoy your life before your call from above.

Life is a one way street,

Our future is there for us to ...

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Jane loved her cats she had three,

But was in a marriage ,abusive was he.

To get happy for a short time she turned to drink,

But to cure this  abusiveness she had to think.

One day an idea came into her brain,

Could the happiness of her cats ease her pain?

Her cats were so contented after eating their food,

Could lacing her husbands meals improve his mood?

So for ...

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Harold was a gambling man and loved to bet,

Tried to get others to participate that he met,

He went into a butcher's shop and an opportunity did arise,

"If you can reach the meat on he top shelf you win a prize."

"If you reach it I will give sixty quid to thee,

If not you will give the same to me ."

The butcher replied,"I'm not even going to try,

Because the steaks are fa...

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I went to the bank to draw some money,

But something happened which was really funny.

I was withdrawing money to buy a new bed,

After handing me the money the cashier said,

"Is there anything else I can do for you my love ?"

"Please can you check my balance ?"She gave me a shuv !

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He got on the bus no mask on his face,

The only one without,quite a disgrace .

At him ,all we mask wearers did stare,

It was obvious as he sat there,he did not care.

Two stops later he did get off,

As he rose to his feet he did cough !

Spreading his germs he did not stop,

As into another confined space he did pop.

His colleagues at work awaited his arrival,

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As we get older our brain shrinks,

Losing its ability on how it thinks.

To use it or lose it rings  very  true,

And there are many things we can do.

To be aware of the risk factors is a good sign,

To keep it alive and avoid decline.

Lowering your alcohol intake is a good thing to do,

But fortunately you can still enjoy a glass or two.

Look after your heart and avoid pa...

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Corona virus is here to stay,

There's no sign of it going away.

Pubs are open having a ball,

Spreading the virus to one and all.

I pass a pub outside they smoke,

Laughing and spitting as they share a joke.

Many involved in a pub crawl ,

Spreading the virus to one and all.

It is impossible to drink wearing a mask,

Social distancing is a difficult task.

The more you dri...

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Joe was racing down a road in Dover,

A blue light flashing behind made him pull over.

"You were doing well over 90 miles an hour."

"Oh my goodness,"said Joe,"I'm amazed at my power."

And then to a  shocked policeman Joe did say,

"That's amazing,I only passed my test yesterday."

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After the funeral a bill in an envelope I did unlock,

The bill was reasonable but gave me a shock.

The bill read,"two thousand and ten,

Many thanks,please call agen."

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Sam was a criminal and was caught robbing a bank.

The police arrested him,his stammer they had to thank.

Sam holding a gun couldn't say what he meant,

The cashier quickly into the back of the bank went.

She rang the police and they quickly arrested Sam,

In court  the judge into prison Sam did slam.

Sadly Sam died in prison before he could finish his sentence.

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Joe was ambitious always wanted to do well,

But always ended up in  a dead end job nothing to tell.

He yearned for a superior position about which he could boast,

But times were tough and it was ifficult to get such a post.

But luck was on his side,

A job he could boast about arrived.

"I'm a security guard at a cemetry,

And I have five hundred people under me !!"

...

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I left school and trained to be an undertaker,

A privilege it was to return the deceased to their Maker.

Many a sad moment I had burying the dead,

Experiencing the flow of tears from many a head.

The pay was good and the experience was ace,

Sadly I was sacked for burying a body in the wrong place.

I'd made a grave mistake !

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She sat on the bench sad,blue eyed,

Tears flowing as she cried.

Both her grand parents had sadly gone,

"I must have had  the virus and passed it on."

She reflected on the symptoms she had got,

As a healthy teenager not a lot

A slight sore throat and a loss of smell,

Nothing major , didn't feel unwell.

"My grand parents I did adore,

No longer here they lived nex...

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Fred faithful was a very loyal man,

Lorraine was his pretty girlfriend,he was her number one fan.

One day he went to work and found a new girl had started,

She was called Clearly,drop dead gorgeous,newly parted.

Fred bacame besotted,it was obvious Clearly liked him too.

But he still loved Lorraine and didn't know what to do.

Fortunately as fate had it Lorraine ran away with ...

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A flasher in the sun out on the street,

When the rain fell became discreet.

Outside it was raining really hard,

He wrote this poem and became a bard.

"Weather is a storm or a sun in our conversation,

Gives us plenty to talk about as a nation.

I look through my window the weather's getting worse,

Oh my goodness a funeral ,wonder who's in that hearse.

Rain is s...

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"I am a key worker on holiday in Spain,

Arrived yesterday ,but now feeling  pain.

Paid twelve hundred quid for a two week stay,

My wife and I have to fly back today.

A coronavirus spike has produced another scare,

On our return a two week isolation after being there.

A stay at home break for us is a must,

Our holiday in Spain has lost its lust.

A new enforcement o...

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My partner was looking through a magazine,

An expensive car she had seen.

"I want that,get it for me !"

So I cut it out,it was free.

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In meadows green it spends its day,

Then to the barn to pay its way.

The rent is just a pail of milk,

Rewarding the farmer with pure silk.

In every farm the cow will graze,

Its calmness never ceases to amaze.

But despite the music of its moo,

Few will give the beast its due.

As cows calmly chew their grass,

From field to plate they soon will pass.

To eat the...

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Percy was a sailor and went to see his doc,

He had been at sea for a year,avoiding the Covid lock.

While he was away his wife did play,

Actively pursuing her wicked way.

"You have diagnosed my wife as being pregnant ,it can't possibly be true."

"It  is ," said the doctor ,"someone had it in for you."

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A family of skunks were trapped in a wood,

Surrounded by a pack of wolves up to no good.

Sally the mum had to quickly think,

She ordered all the family to make a stink.

"Hands together,eyes closed ,let us spray !"

The  wolves were overcome and ran away.

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Tara was woken up by loud raps on her knocker,

Ben had been hurt at work,he was a Liverpool docker .

She arrived at the hospital in a flurry,

He was precious to her,she was full of worry.

She asked the receptionist which ward she would find poor Ben,

"Ah yes,he was flattened by a steam roller,he's in ward 8,9. and 10."

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Jack always left his keys in the ignition of his car,

His dad said,"Take them out, you are at risk of losing your car."

"But dad if I take them out I might never see them again,

And besides I have a spare set ,so don't complain !"

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John was driving along and two men in a field he did pass,

They were both heads to the ground devouring grass.

Sitting comfortably in his many seated coach he did ask,

"Why are you both performing such a strange task?"

"We don't have enough money to keep our families well fed."

"Well come along with me then,"John said.

"But we both have a wife and eight little ones."

Ouit...

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A teacher was trying to teach manners to her all male class.

"Meeting a lady on a date,how would you tell her water you need to pass?" 

Tom said,"Please excuse me ,I'm sorry I need to go to the loo."

"Yes that's sensible,a good response from you."

Jake who was the naughtiest of the teenage bunch,

Said,"I have to shake hands with a friend,whom you'll meet after lunch."

The te...

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Bill and Phill had one thing in common,they drank quite a lot.

Bill said,"I only drink twice a day,when I'm thirsty and when I'm not."

Phill said,"It is a habit I will always keep,

But I can stop drinking when I'm asleep."

Bill says,"I don't  have a drink problem when all is said and done,

Except when all the pubs are closed and  I can't get one."

"Drinking is one thing my m...

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Joe at a park sits next to a dog on a bench,

On the next seat is sat a well dressed wench.

Joe asks her,"Does your dog bite?"

"No never,my dog is alright."

Joe tickles the dog behind its ear,

The dog fiercely growls and bites Joe's rear.

Joe shouts,"I thought you said he was fine!"

"I'm sorry ," she said,"My dog is at home,that dog isn't mine."

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Jane was adopted at a very early age.

Her birth mum,an actress, with no work on the stage,

Became homeless and onto the streets went,

Made a living begging in Margate Kent.

Jane was fortunate her upbringing was stable,

She shone at school became bright and able.

To an university in Kent Jane went,

Qualified as a doctor and to a hospital went.

Jane decided to try a...

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Dying is a very dull and dreary affair,

Surround yourself with silence and avoid nightmare.

The sound of silence makes you live longer,

The sound of silence makes you much stronger.

In silence trees, grass and flowers grow,

In silence  sun,moon and stars round us go.

Noise and restlessness leads to an early grave,

For the sound of silence we must  relentlessly crave.

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John takes his alsatian to the vet,

He was worried about getting into debt. 

The vet picks the dog up and checks his weight,

His eyes,ears,joints and heart rate.

"I'm going to have to put him down and write you a bill"

"Oh my goodness! Is it because he is so seriously ill ?"

"No its because he's really heavy !"

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A highly respected police officer was due to retire,

He had assisted many colleagues,his guidance they did admire.

Jessica ,a chief inspector,who spoke at his leaving party,was a great fan,

"I would not be in the position that I am in if it wasn't for this man."

The large gathering at his leaving party thundered with laughter,

Why? Jessica remembered she was 8 months pregnant after.

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"Mum, I was on the bus with dad,

I think he did something bad.

He told me to give up my seat to a blonde,

And when with her he built up a bond."

"To give up your seat seems ok to me."

"But mum I was sat on his knee !"

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Three pals were out drinking all day,

George passes out and on the floor does lay.

Jim goes to the bar to get the next round.

Barman asks,"What's he having there on the ground?"

"He won't want to miss out as you are buying."

"He'd better not have any more"said Jim,"he's driving.!"

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George was a keen gardener and loved his job,

But was imprisoned for a robbery with his friend Bob.

His dad got in touch,his garden was in a mess,

"I have no-one to weed my garden,what do you profess?"

George sends a letter to his dad,"Leave things as they are,

That's where I buried the two I killed driving recklessly in my car."

The police intercetpted the letter and s...

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Fred was growing old,"What an earth is happening to me,

I'm being convicted for a crime I haven't commited !"said he.

One day Fred went to the post office ,a book of stamps to buy,

Three letters he had to post ,but he was a forgetful guy.

The envelopes he did remember to close and lick,

But the stamps on the letters he forgot to stick.

Fortunately for him the post box was near a ...

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June whizzes past a police car at 80 miles per hour,

An arrest after a pursuit surely is to flower.

The cop thinks she is knitting something behind the wheel,

He shouts,"Pull over!"as their brakes both squeal .

"No officer you've got it all wrong,

I'm mending the holes in my thong !"

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Jane and her husband Don lived on a farm

One night Jane climbed into bed with a Swan under her arm.

She pulls the blanket over her to get comfy,

Says,"This is the pig who is sleeping with me!"

"That's not a pig,that's a swan ,"says Don.

"I wasn't talking to you Don I was talking to the swan.!"

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Jake shouts to John,"Nice bike,where did you get it?"

"Well ,I was approached by a  gorgeous girl on a bike,she was really fit.

She came off her bike,sighed and said, "You can have anything you like." 

"She got me really excited.,I yearned for a ride,so I jumped on her bike."

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My anatomy enables me to climb horizontal,vertical or upside down,

My feet excrete glue like substances which gives me extra grip up and down.

I live on liquids ,I lack mouth parts to chew food ,so I sup.

I regurgitate juices onto solid food which breaks them up.

I taste with my incredible feet,

Landing on faeces or  pieces of meat.

I wander round and have a good taste,

I...

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A man gets on a plane and sits in first class,

He was approached by the stewardess,a friendly lass.

"Sorry sir you'll have to vacate your seat,

And move to economy to rest your feet."

The man was adamant he was going to stay,

Even though first class he did not pay.

"I'm going on holiday to Torbay and I'm staying here !"

"First class you didn't pay sir,you'll have to move ...

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Jennifer comes back from her blind,date,

"What was it like,?asked her room mate.

" He showed up in a really posh Rolls  Royce,"

"Oh my goodness that was impressive ,good choice."

"No not really,he was old and a bit of a moaner,

The car was registered in 1946 and he was the only owner!!

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Dog owners love walking their four legged friends,

Happy vibes into dogs tails the prospect of a walk sends.

Names given to dogs are sometimes unique,

Different  names I come across every week.

One guy takes his two dogs for a run as he jogs,

Timex and Rolex,they're  two watch dogs.

I remember  a dog called Woof I once had,

Calling him,everyone thought I was barking mad.

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Anglesey an island of amazing adventures ,an  inspiring place,

A coronavirus outbreak at The Two Sisters Abattoir we have to face.

Terrified workers were afraid to breathe,

The spread was rapid difficult to believe.

200 cases of the virus at the chicken factory in Anglesey,

A local lockdown it had to be.

The people working together were dropping like flies,

Workers w...

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Jenny was very attractive and worked at the bank,

But lost her job,coronavirus she had to thank.

Footfall to her bank had gone very low,

So to the labour exchange she had to go.

She put on a suit to make an impression,

It was black , a tight fit,she was quite a sensation.

She got a job as an undertaker,

And now people are dying to meet her.

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My dog is very good when he begs,

One day I left him sat outside Greggs.

He sat by a cup,

They filled it all up.

Now I don't have to work when he begs.

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Pete was the proud owner of a profitable pub,

Due to the pandemic ,he started selling takeaway grub.

He advertised the products he had for sale,

Aided by a gorgeous figured female called Gail.

She carried a board with her products to be seen,

Singing her favourite songs recorded by Queen.

Another board was placed over her behind,

Written in Braille for the sake of the bli...

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Rocky normally did his shopping online,

But this week he needed to view the beer and the wine.

So he walked down to Tesco,but dogs aren't allowed,

He tied up his rottweiler away from the crowd.

But as he approached the cash-out pushing his trolley,

He was approached by a lady who said,"I'm really really,sorry,

I think my little kitten has killed your dog."

"That's impossible" ...

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Two rats are eating something disgusting discarded on the road,

A stone's throw away  from their bug infested abode.

One rat says to the other,"Have you been to the cafe down there?

It's the cleanest place in town to be fair.

The floors are so shiny you can see your face,

The surfaces are so clean,they're really ace.

The staff constantly clean the tables and the seating."

"Sto...

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Loose lips sinks ships,

Be careful what you impart from your lips !

Three blokes at work are sipping their tea,

They confess to their shortcomings all three.

"I drink too much, said the first.

I keep a bottle in my bag to quell my thirst."

The second guy admits,"For all the women here I lust,

I am constantly eying each individual 's bust."

The first two turn to the thi...

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Jane met Tom on a dating site,

They met for a week every night.

Jane loved Tom,he was a good looker.

But one night she confessed she had been a hooker.

Tom said,"Thats quite erotic,lets see how it fairs."

"My name is Bob not Jane and I played for Coventry Bears."

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I sit on the steps of an old church hankering for a bed,

Ashamed of the situation I am in shielding my head.

Eventually darkness unrolls its blanket over me,

I roll out my sleeping bag then have a pee.

I struggle to get comfortable on the step of stone,

I am exhausted ,I fall asleep all alone.

I am awoken suddenly by an ambulance noise,

My hip on the stone floor judders,I...

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A man of many talents reaching ninety nine,

The oldest ever member of the Royal Family line.

He once remarked that bits were dropping off his ancient frame,

A remarkable man,the Duke of Edinburgh his name.

His double digit birthday celebrated in Windsor Castle,

Shielding there with the Queen avoiding coronavirus hastle.

Celebrating there with a modest lunch at his leisure,

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Fred well into his seventies asks his wife Claire,

"Does it not make you jealous when  I eye those young women over there?"

"No it doesn't bother me at all,don't want to spoil your fun.

Our dog runs after cars but it would be impossible for him to drive one."

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While rehearsing for a play,

Jim a beginner,it wasn't his day.

His script was long and he had to learn loads,

While on stage he fell through the floor boards.

The stage manager angrily shouted,

"What an earth are you trying to do?"

"Sorry sir,its just a stage I am going through."

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Pete comes home from work and his wife her body does flaunt,

"Tie me up and you can do anything you want."

She had been stuck at home all day hankering intercoarse.

Pete ties her tightly to the bed and rushes off to the golf course.

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My dad was having a problem with his wee,

He rang the urology department for someone to see.

A woman answered ,dad was shivering and cold.

"Urology,we are very busy ,please can you hold?"

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Stephen is my middle name,

Picked by my mum, she's to blame.

Frequently asked,Is it with a "ph" or a  "v"?

A silly question if you ask me.

This question always gives me stress,

Stephen definitely begins with an "S"

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Please oh devil stop this curse,

Your worldwide delivery of coronavirus.

Are you trying to bring the world to an end ?

Attacking us with a virus we can't defend.

Killing so many so close to us,

Distributing this deadly coronavirus.

I lost my sister a nurse on the front line,

Before you struck she was feeling fine.

Tending patients ill on their bed,

You infected her ...

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Coronavirus has left our world quite numb,

But a plague far worse is yet to come.

Many of us eating animals will breathe our last breath,

By devouring  a chicken or its egg we are dicing with death.

Just one meal may cost humanity millions of lives,

When a virus into the most humble chicken dives.

Twenty four billion around our globe are spread,

We turn a blind eye to how...

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Jane was given four courses of antibiotics,her pain was intense,

Getting a dental appointment was impossible, she was left in suspense.

She had been in agony with an infected tooth since the end of last year,

How long would it take to redress the problem ,she did fear.

For a check-up at the dentist you will  have to wait til 2021.

Treating a back log of urgent cases will be the...

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Alcohol sales are up by 22 percent due to lockdown,

As many in isolation their corona sorrows do drown.

Some have drunk more and put on a corona stone,

Their anxiety levels shot through the roof,maybe home alone.

Many due to enforced isolation have emerged fitter than before,

Taking advantage of the extra time ,exercising much more.

Regular exercise encourages the body to ma...

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The new vicar of St Giles who's first name was Pete,

Saw a small boy struggling to reach a door bell across the street.

Pete thought ,"Bless him,poor little thing."

Walks over ,smiles, gives the doorbell quite a ring.

"What now my boy,think they will have heard the bell?"

"Yes here they come,now we must run like hell !!"

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Aya a 19 year old student was shot dead on her way to the shops,

The scene was attended by a helicopter and armed cops.

She was hit by a stray bullet from a passing car,

A Salford law student,a rising star.

Witnesses claimed the gunman was aiming at a carwash nearby,

Maybe addressing a conflict ,killing Aya, an innocent passerby.

An appalling and senseless attack,a young wom...

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Children at home will be shaping their minds in a different way,

They might grow up as better people at the end of the day.

When children return the virus will not call a truce and go home,

It will attack their teachers and round their families will roam.

Social distancing is paramount and will be impossible to enforce,

Children will get infected and pass it on in due course.

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Cancer is not a disease that ends straight away,

It is an enemy that attacks the body day by day.

Sooner or later things will come to an end,

Stay calm and fight it ,is the advice I send.

You could be fit and well for many years,

Living your life eliminating funeral fears.

Developing a healthy relationship with death.

You are still alive valuing every  breath.

Som...

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Belly Mujinga,a good person,a good mother and a good wife,

A London ticket collector spat at by a stranger ,ending her life.

Shouting he had coronavirus as he coughed and spat,

Belly and a colleague fell seriously ill after that.

Underlying respiratory problems contributed to her death,

Three days after being taken to hospital out of breath.

Following the attack she asked to...

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"Stay alert,"

Could hurt.

A change of word,

Is absurd.

Stay at home is clear,

Stay alert,we fear.

Stay alert is confusing,

Stay at home we are using.

Stay alert is vague,

Could start a plague.

Difficult to understand,

Ambiguous, should be banned.

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Jim had to think quite deep,

What to buy his mother-in-law ,not to cheap.

Her last birthday present went down quite well,

He bought her a very loud door bell.

Next time he bought her a large cemetry plot,

It was very expensive and cost him a lot.

The next year he bought her nothing,she shed a tear.

"You still haven't used what I bought you last year."

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A disaster was there to wipe out my home,

Homeless I became ,the streets I did roam.

My house due to an electrical fault did burn,

Uninisured ,a new life I had to learn.

I had to learn quick how I was going to survive,

Discarded newspapers helped keep me alive.

Layers on the ground provided bedding for a sleep,

Paper stuffed down my jacket where the cold could not creep.

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A surge of unemployed restaurant workers are sent,

Onto the streets of London, unable to pay their rent.

Trafalgar Square at night is silent and empty.

But for the homeless rough sleepers, there aplenty.

Hundreds of tents and cardboard box encampments appearing,

Life under lockdown hundreds of catering jobs disappearing. 

The city day centres have closed ,no place to wash or...

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A couple won't go back to a takeaway in a hurry,

David spat out a molar as he was eating his curry.

"We both checked that it wasn't one of ours,

Hopefully in the future a prosecution flowers."

The tooth is out I decided to blow the whistle,

The takeaway owner tried to convince us it was gristle.

"You are trying to make a mountain out of a molar ,"he did insist.

Little did...

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As a parent I am truly vexed,

Opening schools will kill children next.

To open them up is an idea quite wild,

But you can't make me send my child !

My kids are the most precious things in the world to me,

I will keep them at home where they are safe and virus free.

Social distancing in schools is impossible,no matter how hard we try,

Opening schools will put staff at risk...

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Our elderly have been forgotten they are at the bottom of the pile.

Managing a care home is harrowing ,lonely and vile.

I have been pulled apart by this storm hitting our system of care,

Seeing residents dying in a shell of loneliness is difficult to bare.

Families not able to show their love as they lie on their death bed,

Can't get the distress that they face out of my head!

Tr...

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Every carehome resident is someone's father,mother or life long friend,

Shrugging our shoulders and leaving them to die should not be their end.

Elderly residents are being abandoned like lambs to the slaughter,

Deprived in their final moments to see their family, maybe a son or a daughter.

Ministerial minds have been fixed on lockdowns and the N.H.S.

Carehomes and their occupa...

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I used to make a good living before coronavirus came along,

But like everyone else I must adapt and stay strong.

I am a burglar and times are tough,

Been kicked out of my house and sleeping rough.

Houses are fully occupied due to the lock down,

My livelihood has been ruined  I sadly frown.

Helicopters in the air to catch us flouting the law,

I look for something else to k...

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Children from the age of six to ten are compliant,

But in their teenage years they become defiant.

They push their parents away and listen to their peers.

Their friends understand them,adults bring on tears.

Teenagers can be mystifying,

Understanding them can be trying.

Tempers in many households do fray,

Patience is a virtue make it pay.

We as parents need to let off ...

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In the middle of the night Fiona woke up screaming with pain,

"Quick dear husband ring the doctor my appendix is driving me insane!"

Boris rang the doctor whom he knew really well,

"Don't panic,took out her appendix four years ago,I remember it well.

Whatsmore I have never come across anyone with a pair in my life."

"That's fine,but have you ever heard of anyone having a new wife!"

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Coronavirus is spreading so fast,

How long is this panademic going to last?

Birds in the trees are prolific this time of year,

Coronavirus is spread by them,I STRONGLY FEAR !!

I don't believe it is just spreading from  one human to another,

We need to thoroughly examine birds to positively uncover,

How they constantly spread the virus as they fly  over,

Inflicting their p...

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A poem sent to my two young grandchilren  with a birthday card and accompanied by a spider called Sammy who will pop out of the envelope and surprise them.

Sammy the spider

Hope you and Belle enjoy this eight legged boy,

He's called Sammy and he'll bring you loads of joy.

I have just bought a cute little tiger ,

That's why I am sending you Sammy the spider.

A friendly s...

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Two British nurses have sadly died,

Both a mother of three,their future denied.

Aimee O'Rourke and Areema Nasreen sadly passed away,

Two N.H.S.  Angels caring for their patients every single day.

One thirty six and one thirty nine,

Far to early to call time.

Two loving mothers no longer here,

Their passing spreads further fear.

Fear of what lies ahead,

Fear of ...

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Coronavirus,bad,scary,silent and lingering,

Scientists nationwide for a vacine are fingering.

This viral enemy we must put to ground,

A vacine is the only answer and must be found.

Its going to be disasterous and sad,

A global panademic grim and bad.

But the disease detectives are determined to tackle the storm,

And bring our wonderful world back to its norm.

Good...

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A lady from China is stressed and doesn't know what to do,

People are staying well away from Mrs, Ah-Chu.

We are worried about coronavirus and hope we don't get it,

I've got a great joke about it but I don't think you'll get it.

,

Sanatising gel makers,the storm they will weather,

With an increase in sales their hands they will rub together.

A wealthy fishing fr...

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To save the lives of others is the best thing in the world,

A day in the life as a doctor fighting the virus I have unfurled.

At  7 o'clock in the morning I pack my sleeping bag and clothes,

Whether I will be back  tonight to see my family who knows?

I arrive at the hospital after a 10 mile drive,

I check my first patient hopefully he will survive.

I check his venilator and ...

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Many years after ,I visited a town where I used to teach,

I was approached by a lad while walking along the beach.

He happily shouted,"I remember you really well,

You teached me English,my name is Mel."

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As darkness fell across the U.K.

Millions of people had their say.

Raising a thunder of gratitude clapping their hands,

An explosion of thanks on front line health workers lands.

In isolation we sent our thanks and respect to the N.H.S.

Risking their lives on the frontline battling this mess.

As a nation we thanked them  for their courageous fight,

For the sacrifices and ...

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Toilet paper is in demand,

Panic buying is out of hand.

People have wiped shelves clean,

Hoarding this essential is obscene

Removing lavatory paper from supermarkets is not the sensible thing to do,

 We are dependent on them to blow our noses and wipe our poo.

Researches say it is the fear of missing out,

Hanging on to their modern lifestyle is what it is all about.

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Pete's grandad unfortunately died,

They were very close,Pete was mortified.

Items from his grandad's house Pete would pick up,

Plates ,knives,forks , saucepans and a collar for his pup.

The kitchen utensils one night were useful,Pete cooked for quite a lot,

Luckily Pete's mum was quick to spot,the soup boiling in a chamber pot.!!!

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Jack and Jill lived far away from the sun,

The planet was cold life was not much fun.

The leaves on the trees didn't blow,

And the waters in the rivers didn't flow.

They had to wear many layers of clothes to keep warm,

And round fires and radiators they did storm.

The gloves on their hands were woolly and thick,

When eating their lollies they would bite not lick.

...

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Claire went to see her mid-wife,

A pregnancy diagnosis was to change her life.

"Oh no,I'm destined to have two,

My husband is a sailor ,what can I do?

Sam has been away for a year at sea,

How could expecting twins ever happen to me?" 

"That which has happened to you is rare,

You have obviously had an affair!!"

"I slept with a man who had a grudge against Sam,

And he had ...

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Mother superior spent a long time in the shower,

One of the nuns said,"There's a blind man to see you,he's been here for an hour."

"Well if he's a blind man it doesn't really matter,

Send him up and we can have a natter."

She got out of the shower in her birthday suit,

The blind man shocked and embarassed went quite mute.

She spoke to him for about ten minutes or more,

He...

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She was slim and smart with plenty of charm,

Chatty and friendly ,confident and calm.

She'd come to see me to plant a seed,

By the end of our meeting I  was her dog on a lead.

She crossed her legs and was a bit of a flirt,

She did it with her eyes and a very short skirt.

She signed me up for a caravan and a car,

No swear words,no smoke from a cigar,

No footie talk or o...

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Doris passed an elderly looking man sat in a chair,

Exceedingly slim with a head full of hair.

"You look really good,the secret of a long life I would like to hear."

"I smoke forty fags  ,don't exercise and every day down ten pints of beer."

"That's unbelievable,how old are you?"

On my last birthday I was thirty two."

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Tom was on trial for robbing a bank,

To have caught him the police we must thank.

The jury sat for hours deciding what to do.

But a not guilty verdict was decided when they were through.

Tom was delighted when the verdict was called out,

"Great,do I get to keep the money?"he did shout.

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The coronavirus contnues to spread.

More of us infected ,more of us dead.

A new pace of infection is not the norm,

Could it be linked to the climate change storm.

Could there be a new way the virus is spread,

More of us infected,more of us dead.

Maybe transmitted up above in the sky,

Fluttering in our clouds as they pass us by.

Poisoning our atmosphere as it rains...

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Fred had a stain on his new white sweater,

Wong's laundry for removing stains ,there was no-one better.

Wong tried his best to remove the stain,

But gave up in the end,his efforts were in vain.

Wong rang his brother and asked him to give it a try,

But his brother too couldn't remove the dye.

Permanently stained and never to be white,

The moral--"Two Wongs cannot make a wh...

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Come on ladies delete this blog,

A disgusting entry ,a dirty cog.

Speak your mind and sweep it away,

Don't be afraid to have your say.

International women's day has just been ,

Blogs like this should not be seen,

Show us how strong you ladies are,

Delete this blog and become a star.

Write out loud is a clean site,

Defeat this blog and put things right,

Come ...

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Diane was having problems with her guy

Always arguing,couldn't see eye to eye,

Jack was a teacher damaged his eyes in  a fall,

He became cross-eyed and couldn't control his pupils at all.

Diane had to wear sunglasses due to problems with her class,

Her pupils were very bright and all their exams they did pass.

But eventually they patched things up and saw eye to ey...

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Jim lived in a flat on the first floor,

He had to close the window it was going to pour.

He felt the rain as he held out his hand,

As he did this a glass eye fell into his hand.

"Hello has anyone up there lost a glass eye?"

"Oh it's mine !"A lady with relief did sigh.

"Please can you bring it up and give it to me,

I'll make you a sandwich and a cup of tea."

Jim we...

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Wash your hands keep them clean,

Spreading coronavirus is really mean.

Wash your hands before eating,

Avoid a shake when  you are greeting.

Sing happy birthday twice in a row,

As down the plughole the germs will go.

Hands are  paramount to help germs spread,

Wash them thoroughly,don't  end up dead.

Cut your nails keep them clean,

They're hiding germs most unsee...

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My dad does many silly things,

But laughter to the community he brings.

He still enjoys things at 74,

He lives at 75 and knocks on their door.

Life for him is slowing down,

Takes much longer to walk to town.

As cake and ice cream speed to his hips,

He's always asking for live longer tips.

Old age my dad constantly fights,

But one morning devoured a bowl of kitt...

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No husband or children Lucy lived alone,

Zero text messages at Christmas not even from Vodaphone.

No-one to nest with over the Christmas break,

To pull the crackers and share the cake.

Going to the cinema with automated ticket machines,Lucy felt at ease.

There was no shame in saying,"Just one ticket please."

No food in the fridge,no kids and only two plates,

Nothing in co...

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I was insructed to drive to the hospital on my own,

My throat was sore my tonsils had grown.

I was informed to arrive at the hospital wearing a mask.

On the car park a nurse was waiting to perform her task.

Faced by her rubber gloves and her disposable attire,

My body was in full sweat and on fire.

My temperature and blood pressure were taken through the window of my car,

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I went to my bank to draw out some money,

The cashier was charming ,helpful and funny.

"Is there anything else I can do for you while you are here?"

"I would like you to check my balance please my dear."

"Here's your eighty pounds ,please will you sign,"

She gave me a push,"And your balance is fine."

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A gorgeous  girl was walking down the street,

The kind of girl Jake was dying to meet.

She had a voluptuous figure and wore skin tight tights,

The passion from Jake's eyes into his body alights.

"I have never seen anyone wearing such figure hugging- clothes,

How can anyone ever get into anything as tight as those?"

"Well,"replied the girl,"let me have a think,

Why do...

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On Strictly Come Dancing Caroline found fame,

The best Strictly performance ever,she did claim.

"Angels" an eternal monument she did shed,

"When I come to call ,I'm loving angels instead."

Many hearts will be broken,Caroline was ace,

Put under pressure due to an on going case.

Her final instagram post showed her giving her dog a kiss,

Talented ,smart and likeable,Caroline...

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Feeling forgetful?There could be something fishy going on,

I have difficulty remembering information 30 minutes gone.

Eating many servings of salmon in the past I regret,

Grim facts concerning chemicals in salmon I have met.

The salmon farms in Norway cause the ocean beds to rot,

Open sewers on coastal waters unfortunately we have got.

A cocktail of poisons,raw sewage and co...

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A man and his wife were driving to Manchester in a car,

She was worried they hadn't gone so far.

She tells  him to check the indicators as they go,

He checks them and says,"Yes no,yes no,yes no."

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The train station and airport in Wuhan,China have been shut down,

Wuhan has been the epi centre of the outbreak I sadly frown.

Corona virus a  public health issue of global concern,

Visitors to China put into quarantine on their return.

Manchester is twinned with Wuhan take heed,

Nearly 5000 students from China the universities feed.

Millions of Chinese travel for the lunar ...

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Boris had been unemployed for a year,

His mounting debts were a constant fear.

A future without a job looked very dark,

But a job came his way as a litter picker at a  park.

"Training to be a litter picker will it take long?"

His new boss replied,"You'll pick it up as you go along."

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Dave was suffering from an addiction,

In court with pride he made a prediction.

"I sincerely regret being invovled in a drug sale,

I solemnly declare I will abide by the law without fail."

The judge felt the sincerity of this remorseful guy,

And said,"Let's hope you end up this year on a high."

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Is an operation on your agenda?

Stop smoking and become a swift mender.

To stop before your op is your duty,

Why risk spoiling your beauty?

Smoking is a no win deal,

Wounds will take longer to heal.

Smoking 10 cigs a day will highten your risk,

Stop smoking before and your recovery is brisk.

Six more chances to die,

Give it up altoegether ,please try.

The so...

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John placed some flowers on the grave of his mother,

Her death had been a shock to him and his brother.

As he left the graveyard he saw a man having a cry,

Kneeling by a grave shouting,"Why did you have to die?"

John compassionately said,"I don't want to interfere with your grief,

To know who you are grieving for would be a relief."

The grieving man took a deep breath,"My wife's ...

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The new year is a good time to start,

To boost your way to a healthier heart.

Off course we know this is easier said than done,

But a few simple tweaks doesn't have to spoil your fun,

Snack on a handful of nuts ,rich in Omega 3,

Protects the heart keeps the arteries inflammation free.

Don't have too much as they are calorifically high,

They lower cholesterol levels,g...

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