I had cause to question if I was suited to a “posh” university like Durham as soon as I landed there.

It was Freshers’ Week and there were any number of events planned to welcome us.  One was a meet-‘n’-greet for our hall corridor.  But let me say from the off that Durham, viewing itself as Britain’s third best university,  didn’t have halls of residence but pretentiously aped Oxford and Cambri...

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Awaiting a leader

They have to be red

One more useless bleeder

Momentum have have said;

A saint-like left winger

Like Corbyn or Benn

Ensuring that we will get

Shafted again.

Be gone now, Lord Jezza

Who asked you to stay?

Fuck off at your leisure

You’ve outstayed your stay;

But true to your image

We’ll spurn moderate men

 Ensuring that we will get

S...

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(A re-post of a re-post. But you can't get too much culture)

My Santa you will never see upon your Christmas card,

The counterpart of Pere Noel: his brother, Pere Fouettard.

I know if I’m a good girl that his presents will be mine;

Le Pere Noel will visit me, avuncular, benign.

But if I’ve let my standards slip and been a naughty gel

There will be no Christmas gifts fro...

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I’ve been reading Bill Bryson’s “The Body: A Guide for Occupants” recently and I’ve come to appreciate what a wonderful and complex construction of engineering, plumbing, dynamics and signalling the human body is and, at the same time, how little we understand of its workings.

Consider, for example, that you are composed of billions of atoms, each and every one of them completely inert and life...

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I voted for Labour

My faith didn’t waver

But we fell out of favour

It came to pass.

We lost the election

On closer inspection

We lost the connection

With the working class.

It’s been a disaster

To Blyth from Doncaster

Across to Lancaster

But who is to blame?

We all failed to heed a

Warning that we’d a

Weak useless bleeder

Who’d bring us this shame.

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Move your sweet lips closer to the microphone

And admit this second chance you’ve also blown

You should concede you have indeed made a poor show

Admit defeat; (best not to bleat)

You’ll have to go.

We were presented with a choice of the Hard Left

So let Boris get away with daylight theft

The Right now cackle at his debacle; they jibe and crow

He’s brought us tears for ...

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(A repost from earlier this year.  But worth repetition.  I'll just leave it hanging here for election week)

"I am Boris Johnson; now my story shall be told;

I have plundered an existence, positioning myself to my advantage";

“All lies and jest”;

Still you pricks hear what you want to hear and disregard the rest,

Denying any part in Britain’s mess.

On the rostrum stands...

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(With an enormous nod to Alex Glasgow's "Lovely Little Lucy")

Bumbling Boris Johnson is surrounded by his lies

That he cannot lie straight in bed should come as no surprise

Cos he’s a liar

He’s surrounded by his lies.

The Times sacked him for making up a quote with bogus words

And Brexit has been stuffed by those “French turds”.

 “We shouldn’t spaff good brass i...

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(Purists will see that I have shat on the convention of the villanelle)

Wise men down the ages will often proclaim

As scholars of Cicero do

“The more that it changes, the more it’s the same”.

Great empires have risen as their zenith came

But nadir would always ensue

“The more that it changes, the more it’s the same”.

The torch of hegemony may brightly flame

But stutter...

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At 18 years old I could run the one lap

Of 400 metres in one minute flat;

These days I’ll tell you I flew like a bat

Quicker than Usain because

The older I get, the better I was.

My qualifications don’t do much for me

But I could have completed a Masters degree

Instead I accomplished 2 GCSE’s

But I could have been Einstein because

The older I get, the better I was.

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I have a little business, a start-up at this stage

And I employ four employees and pay a decent wage;

We work a steady 5-day week; right now, the business pays

But soon I’ve got to cut their time so each can work 4 days,

But not reduce their weekly pay; so if we want to thrive

And turn out goods just like before I’ll have to take on 5.

But this will raise my wages bill by 1/5 mor...

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I think I may have stumbled across a solution to the thorny issue of Brexit all by myself.  It came to me after a recent rash of political leaders broke out around Donny.

Apparently, when she was visiting Stainforth Jo Swinson told victims they should apply for EU Emergency Funding.

“We voted OUT!” she was told.

And you can see the problem.  It would be hypocrisy on a gargantuan scale for...

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(I watched this couple in a cliff-top restaurant overlooking the sea near Bournemouth a couple of years ago)

She laughs

Enthusiastically

And a second or two

Too long;

She wears a top by Versace

And has Raybans on her head;

The man is older

And looks like money,

Wants to look like money;

She looks at him

Over her empty latte

Always at him;

He looks at the...

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(It's that time of year again.  An original of mine stolen from me by Malvina Reynolds when she made her far inferior version called "Little Boxes", sung and made famous by Pete Seeger)

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards bloody cheating

Gave them sweeties, gave them money, gave them popcorn when they came

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards need a...

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A simple enough concept and one the impenetrable Mrs C uses with my complete support as an aid to purchasing.

So here’s how it works.

The lovely Mrs C (she might read this) stalks the rails of Age Concern or Scope or somesuch and holds up a garment for me to look at as though my thoughts are the slightest bit relevant.

“How much?” I occasionally ask.

“£6” she might reply.

“Will you ...

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I’m in support of Wetherspoon’s and like their policy

Of refills of their coffee cups, unlimited and free;

I’ll order coffee at the counter, soon as I arrive

And gladly copper up the cost of just £1.25;

But then to my advantage I adapt a plan covert,

Cos when I’ve drained my coffee cup I give it to Our Gert

And she then gets the refill in the cup that I have had

But when ...

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I’m busy making plans for Nigel

If I don’t this will prosper him

I need to make some plans for Nigel

If not my prospects seem quite grim.

I’m busy making plans for Nigel

If I don’t get this deal done

Yes, I am terrified of Nigel

Cos he will have me on the run.

I don’t give rat shit for that Corbyn

The nation knows he Putin’s pet.

He might just beat off Swins...

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(A re-post from a couple of years ago.  I don't care who I target)

Remoaners, dull droners, like fleas that just buzz in your ears

With whingeing and bleating and sobbing and crocodile tears

They won’t take no note of

The will of the voters

Insisting that they still no best

Despite democratically

And quite emphatically

Failing the ballot box test.

Remainers, co...

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(A re-post from some years ago and one which owes a debt to Dave Bradley who referenced something like this in a Discussion thread.  I have chopped it into little lines for the purists among you.  Personally, I see it as prose).

The Dream-Spinner held aloft his prize.

The vanquished fled from the yurt.

Cheku growled his disdain.

Three times Cheku had held aloft

The sacred ...

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(A re-post from a few years ago)

I dreamt you were little again;

We were walking through Filey in rain;

You looked so cute in

Your first romper suit;

I dreamt you were little again.

Your mittens were tied through your sleeves;

Your red wellies kicked through the leaves;

Your new woolly bonnet

Had fake fur upon it;

Your mittens were tied through your sleeves.

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I bought a pair of denims back in ‘63

You couldn’t help but notice they were tight

Better known as drainpipes to you and me

To get ‘em on they put up quite a fight;

They called them “Shrink-to-Fit”s and so us men

Wore them in the bath these proto-types

They cut me near in half around the abdomen

I confess I looked a twat in my pipes.

Salvation was at hand though w...

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(But not this time.  A rare success. A piece I wrote a few years ago)

Not that it’s a recognised event, of course, but I’m contemplating entering our Tuesday Pub Quiz Team for the 2020 Olympics.

Bear with me while I digress a little but at the 2012 London Olympics the Men’s 4 x 100m Relay Team was disqualified for dropping the baton, handing it over outside the transition area, running ...

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Newsflash

May 7, 2031

Greta,

the world’s last surviving female orangutan,

died yesterday

at New York’s Central Park Zoo.

Two other orangutans,

both male,

are still live in zoos

in Paris and Beijing;

Greta’s death

marks the end

of further possible procreation

and signifies

the official extinction

of the species.

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Eton boys they have the world before them

They think that they can take just what they want

It’s been a part and parcel of their breeding

Ever since they got splashed in the font;

Eton boys have had their passage paid for

They’re born with winning tickets in their hands

Fast-tracked for the greasy pole’s top platform

While grafting never features in their plans;

T...

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(Afficionados will recognise the now defunct Vaynol Tunnels connecting Angelsey to the solid bit)

A rare choice of subject, I will agree.  But let me set some context, both macro and micro.

On a world scale many of my toiletry appointments have coincided with historic milestones.  Urgency has seen me miss JFK’s assassination, Geoff Hurst’s last goal in the World Cup, the moon landings, ...

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It wasn’t a thing that I’d celebrate

When Thatcher was finally rubbed off the slate;

The dummies who did should recalculate

Cos you’ll know if you’re keeping the score

You’ve moved up the queue by one more.

I started in life at the back of the queue

With billions in front but behind just a few -

An innocent sproglet that hasn’t a clue

But before you’ve been dunked in t...

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One of the pleasures of retirement is being able to take holiwags whenever we want.  No need to choose school holidays when prices are inflated and, worse still, there’s loads of lousy rotten kids about.

Besides cruises and package hols we make the most of our caravan.  It follows that, off-peak, the other caravanners tend to be old gits like ourselves; indeed, we are frequently the youngest on...

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There is a little band of people that I constantly wish dead.  But it’s growing.

It comprises several who are still vertical and a small number who have already been promoted to glory.

Be assured, I don’t do anything physically to bring their deaths about (-this is, after all, not America-) but simply enjoy the satisfaction of it happening when it does.

And let me say from the get-go (and...

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I lied to the Queen’s the allegation

In Parliament’s prorogation

I lied to the rest of the nation

I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the law won

The verdict of the court wasn’t close run

Eleven in favour and Against None

I acted like Attila the Hun

I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the law won

I thought I’d win when the...

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“What did you do, grandad,

To save the world from dying?”

”Ashamed to say I ridiculed

The little kids for trying”.

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I share with you

that many have compared

my poetry to Dylan’s.

I feel the need however

to qualify that they were referring

to the former England rugby captain

Dylan Hartley.

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(An oldie from my back catalogue.  Mondays are doubly enjoyable when it's the first day back at school)

The replacement hip Gives me some jip

And my Tens just overflowed

I need Deep Heat For arthritic feet

In winter when it’s snowed

And drivers reprimand me

For shuffling across the road

But I still have reason To enjoy each season

For the rest of the time I’m owed.

...

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(First he asked the President to dissolve the Reichstag. Then he banned opposition parties.  Finally he introduced the Enabling Act to allow him to by-pass the Reichstag)

The crowds they cheered him joyously

“With one great leap we will be free”

It was the start of things to be

When Hitler brought the House down.

“Let’s end all this procrastination”

Spake the volk of ha...

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We trudged round Designer Outlet

A day full of dull misery

I’d sampled a few cups of coffee

Which meant that I needed a pee.

I nipped to the public convenience

And read all the ads on the wall

Avoiding the one on Viagra

(A bloke was in the next stall).

But then as I left the urinals

I heard from the Ladies next door

The sound of a Dyson Airblade

Making its motorise...

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So like I was telling you, I’ve always considered myself as something of a MOTW but recent events have shown that even I can always find something new to learn.

Take Ben.  He’s just started working on a cow farm and he was telling us about how the cows were inseminated. 

“By the bull” I hear you say; and, strictly speaking, you’d be right.  But not normally by the farmer’s bull.

See, he b...

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We all know the sketch, of course – a scene in the Nag’s Head where Trig is extolling the virtues of his depot broom.  “This old broom has had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time”.

Oh, how we laughed.

What is less obvious is the profound metaphysical point he was making.

It’s reckoned that every cell in the human body dies and is replaced within a seven year period.

So just lik...

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(I'm in!)

Born too late to get a pension

It’s postponed and in suspension

Till 68

Why were you born too late?

Born too late for rock n roll n jive

It won’t be paid at 65

Just great!

Why were you born too late?

Born too late unlike this lucky sod

I’ll get my OAP, thank God

I can’t wait

I wasn’t born too late.

I’m born in time to get a pensi...

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(Been thinking)

It came to me in a flash. Or rather, a slash.

How old men seem inexorably drawn towards wearing beige and then how unsuitable that is, given their lack of equipment control and subsequent piss stains down their front.

So (PATENT PENDING) The Slash Apron.

Made of pliable and washable but impervious plastic, when not in use it tucks neatly inside your kecks where it ...

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I’d always associated these with youth, mostly as a milestone marking the transition from child to adult.  Menstruation in girls, boys’ voices croaking.  Or it might be drinking your first pint or your first kiss.

But not exclusively so.  Further along the ageing path would come the menopause or wearing beige.

But it had always been a source of pride for me that I had got to the age of 67 an...

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(Four years ago there was a news story about a young Palestinian boy who was snatched from a protest and beaten to death by Israeli police. Shocking as that is, they also smashed the phones of witnesses who tried to call an ambulance and sipped coffee while he died.  A re-post)

We snatched this dirty Arab boy when he was throwing stones;

He looked so fucking funny making all his moans a...

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If she isn’t dead by now she’ll certainly be redundant.  Who’d pay 2/6d to see her at Goose Fair when you can stroll down Donny High Street every sunny day of the week and see any number of that fine town’s sisterhood showing off their disfigurements.

Of course, whether a doxy chooses to blight her body with permanent ink or supernumerary orifi is entirely her ownership; as is the right to call...

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(A re-post from 2013.  Prompted by a line from the Edward Rutherfurd novel "London" and set in the Bronze Age)

“For these” said the father, “are the things a boy should know.

The gut for its twine, the yew for the bow

The paths through the woods where the spirits go

To gauge with the eye through their hips and breasts

The choice of a wifeman where the seed will sow

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(A re-post from a couple of years ago. But how fashions come round again! It was prompted by the joker who approached Theresa May at the rostrum of the Tory Party Conference to give her a P45, claiming Boris had sent her.  How Boris must "love it when a plan comes together"!)

Cammie called George when he got the word

He said “ I suppose you’ve heard about Boris?”

George rushed to the...

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It was a much more sophisticated approach than the ancient way but had its roots there.  The druid would only go on the physical appearance of the new-born child before deciding whether to strangle or bless it.  Physical appearance betrayed physical disability – cleft palates, crooked limbs, hunched backs, splayed feet, mishapen heads. 

It was this very provenance, though, which lent the proces...

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(I've always felt this site lacked a poetry and recipe fusion post.  Here's one from the Lumpwood King)

For those of us that barbecue we sometimes find we wish

We might forego the pork or lamb and barbecue some fish;

But this is problematic; you’ll find this once you start

Cos tasty though as most fish is it’s prone to fall apart;

Now remedies are possible; it could be wrapped ...

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Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than comfortable with others enjoying a sexuality different from my own.  Whatever pleasure anyone wants to get out of their willy or their fanny is entirely fine by me.

No.  It’s the silliness of the nomenclature which I ridicule.  How many people would know what “LGBTQIA+” stands for without googling it?  Not many, I bet.

And, I’m told the “Q” stands for “Queer...

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(Hendrix would be envious indeed of these incomparable guitar skills)

Hey Bo! You made your name playing the clown now

But Hey Bo! I heard you shot your rivals down now

So Hey Bo! Like a king you’ll pick up the crown now.

Achieved with nothing, not a bean, in your head now

Hey Bo! You’ve made the dailies centre spread now

Your Party’s shafted Hunt – they’ve gone for you...

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(Spare a thought for us retired old folk in this hot weather)

Bligits. Bligits. Everywhere.

In your ears and in your hair.

In the garden while you doze

Bligits in your ears and nose.

Bligits in each orifice

It isn’t all retirement bliss.

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(Selby Abbey celebrates its 950th anniversary this year.  A tribute)

I know the Abbey well enough; I worked there for a while;

I’ve walked its length a thousand times – the nave, the quire, the aisles.

I know its features through and through; I’ve shown them to our guests;

Each visitor has favourites – the things they like the best.

They come from near, they come from far, from...

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(I cannot, in truth, blame Boris.  He is a liar.  Everyone knows he lies.  He lied about Brexit.  Everyone knows he lied about Brexit.  But no-one who voted for Brexit accepts they were lied to.  Or, if they do, they don't care.  And that is far worse).

I am Boris Johnson; now my story shall be told;

I have plundered an existence, positioning myself to my advantage;

“All lies and jes...

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(A competition poem submitted on the theme of "Who Wrote Shakespeare?" run by the Shakespeare Oxford Fellowship.  I thought they could do with a bit of culture.  Worldwide fans will recognise this as a tired old re-post, topped and tailed for the occasion).

While this debate is at its height

I offer you a scoop tonight;

I shine a fresh revealing light

(Think me not knave nor jeste...

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In a land of immigration

Paul Revere and Liberty

Welcoming with open arms

Land of Opportunity.

Once a fair and moral nation

Looked upon with admiration

Hands held out with open palms

Welcoming with open arms

Not clenched fists but open palms

Greeted us from o’er the sea

And offered opportunity.

Marches that won integration

Rosa Parks, the Kennedys

Dream ...

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(We have one in Selby although I patronise other cafes in preference)

There’s no more boring chore in life

Than to wait behind your wife

While she’s looking for a handbag or a dress

Our Gert had thought I’d lost her

But I’d slipped away to Costa

For a coffee while she shopped at M & S.

Since they use a stronger bean

Their Flat White always seems

A tasty and inv...

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(A re-post from 2011.  But class is timeless)

As quiet closes end of day

When evening’s calm has gripped us

I set a fire and in it lay

Dried logs of eucalyptus.

A billowing blue smokiness

And flames begin to dance;

The leaves and trees stand motionless,

No breeze to break their trance.

The silence of the setting scene

Occasionally lifts

From traffic ...

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(A re-post.  And a huge debt to the comic genius, Steve Womack, for the joke)

We made our way to bed one night

I pulled down all the blinds

We kissed by filtered moonlight

Passion in our minds.

My wife broke from our close embrace

“I won’t be long.  Don’t go”

And headed for the bathroom door

Then cruelly stubbed her toe.

She cried in pain and anguish

Wh...

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(Confessions of a man with little honour.  But you get it while you can)

I used to turn up on them marches

Arms linked with the Trotskyist host

But now I tune in to the Archers

“Them as lives longest learns most”.

I wore all my badges and labels

The shouts and the slogans and words

I learned them just like my times tables

But really I went for the birds.

M...

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(Hey ho. One man's poison's another man's meat)

My money wasn’t made through skill,

My bank of knowledge almost Nil

But, rather, I would wait until

The time was ripe, I’d guess,

To make my brass through stress.

On my network I might learn

Some manager in some such firm

Had chucked a sickie while infirm

And under some duress

Had gone off sick with stress.

...

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There were a lot of things we needed to get used to on a cruise ship; which decks the various restaurants and theatres were on, the best places to sunbathe or find shade and, not least, which was front and back.  One corridor looks pretty much the same as the next whichever deck you’re on or whether it’s on the Port Said or the Starman; and any of them looks the same whether you face the sharp end...

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(I seem to recollect he posted a couple of things on WOL a few years ago but I couldn't find them)

I knew Andrew.  But not well.

I’d not seen him for six or more years, since he’d moved away from the York area to deepest West Yorkshire.  But we kept in touch through Facebook.

Those who knew him will recall a character warm with wit and charm. He came from Essex, the son of a clergyma...

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(Inspired by this wonderful advertisement for Lux.  I needed to change it to Camay for the rhythm.  A racing cert for Poem of the Week)

Freshen up your flaps with Camay

Fol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol la

It’s the soap for whiffy fanny

Fol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol la

Banish thoughts of Aldi salmon

Fol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol la

If you’re hoping for a gamming.

Fol...

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Isn’t that Boris there over there in the spotlight?  (Uh uh)

Didn’t you used to have a thing for him (Uh uh)

By the way, where’d you meet him

“I saw him on the telly with unruly hair

I thought him a cutie and a cuddly bear

I never saw him as Leader of the Pack".

You folks were always putting him down

(Down down down)

You said he’s just a daft harmless clown

(Yo...

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(A true story told to me by Wilf, cut down a bit as she's got more rattle than a can of marbles).

The tribe had gone from Barnsley to America for a fortnight’s holiday – grown-ups, kids, grandparents aunties and uncles.  After arriving at JFK Airport they went off in search of the bus they’d hired.  It was big enough to take them all and was the sort that had a sliding side door as well as...

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(A re-post from a few years ago and a photo from many years ago when I was young and beautiful)

I miss the man that I used to be

That athletic man that used to be me

For when I was young

I was tireless and strong

I miss the man that I used to be

The man I see in the photos of him

I tall and muscular, dark and slim

But this was a past

Forbidden to last

I miss...

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The name she should have taken at birth had been long forgotten except by her mother, and she had been known since as Pen Alahn, Quiet Death.

She had not been expected to live long, cursed as she was by the gods with her limp.  She had not spoken until her third summer, interrupting the Elders at the Feast of Thanks, screaming simply, “They Come”.  The other women giggled and her father had sla...

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(A re-post about immigration.  Timely, given the EU elections this week. And a reminder of when immigration was less benign)

Those crazy Normans brought a notion

To Pevensey Bay

It involved our demotion

And I don’t mean pay;

If your hairdo is flaxen

It’s a give-away

Then you must be Saxon -

Serfin’s here to stay.

You might have lorded the Manor

Been an Earl ...

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(A Facebook chum of mine, Richard Harries, saw this photo of abandoned golf clubs at his local recycling centre and described at "unutterably sad".  I concur)

Just one hook

That’s all it took, yeah,

Just one hook

That’s all it took, yeah,

Just one hook

And I knew-ew-ew

That golf

And me were through-ough-ough

Just one hook

With a wood –oo-ood

And I kn...

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I’ve been reading a lot about this lately.  It seems today’s youngsters are beset from every corner with trauma.  Not the small stuff our forebears experienced, blitzkrieg, the Great Depression, the trenches et al but far more damaging daemons.

But let a sufferer tell you first hand.

Rhian, aged 28, (a little old to be a millennial I felt) explained that she couldn’t remember the last time s...

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Americans are quick to forget (or embarrassed to remenber) that during The War of Independence, whole cities remained loyal to the British Crown.  "Murrain" is (literally) a disease of livestock but came to mean a more general malady, as might "pox" these days.

They fled from the murrain that fell on East Ham

By Plymouth and Boston they brought us

And on to this place they called New...

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(If you don't know what this is about it is safe to say you lead an impoverished life)

Mine eyes have seen the golden goals of Greavsie and of Smith

The silky skills of Hoddle, Gazza and those they played with

But now we add another to the pantheon of myth

As the Spurs go marching on.

Glory, Glory Hallelujah

Glory, Glory Hail to Moura

He was Tottenham’s hat-trick sco...

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(A re-post evidencing my provenance in support of the sisterhood on this issue)

I’m fully with the sisterhood on this, I have to say –

Breast feeding in a public place at any time of day;

So I was most surprised the lady made a big to-do

When I pulled up a comfy chair to get a better view.

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We’re limping along on the crest of a trough

As we make the Champions League;

Where once we were cruising

We now can’t stop losing

In end-of-term fatigue.

We’ve shit on United

And Arsenal;

We’re delighted

We’re limping along on the crest of a trough

As we make the Champions League.

We’ve lost six out of eight of the last games we played

But have still made The...

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“The Rebel and the Yankee

The Blue and the Grey

Could never happen here with us”

Is what I hear you say.

But society is broken

And simply needs a spark

A beating at a demo

A brick thrown from the dark.

The Hutu and the Tutsi

Who one another slay

Could never happen here with us”

Is what I hear you say.

And then the retribution

Mixed with to...

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(Please forgive the singing, for which I should be shot)

Me and my bladder’s

Always full and needs the loo;

But then what’s badder

It’s just a dribble shooting out askew.

So at 12 o’clock’s my first golden shower

The next’s at one, then every hour.

My lousy bladder

Won’t let me sleep one whole night through.

Me and my bladder’s

Hostage to the prostate gland;

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(It seems it is my fate to improve works of inferior poets.  In this case I have taken that dose of dross by that WC Fields bloke and given it a make-over.  No need to thank me).

I’m being followed by a wheelbarrow

Wheelbarrow, wheelbarrow.

Pulling my chickens in a wheelbarrow,

Wheelbarrow, wheelbarrow.

And if tha wond’rin’ “Is it red?”

Please thissen. I’ve not said.

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(A re-post from a few years ago, but seeing as the great man is back I thought it worthwhile to revisit.  AfficiaNandos may recognise my debt to George Formby's "Fanlight Fanny").

You can tell he

Loves the telly

For his chance to smarm

He would give an arm

And a leg;

Aimed to prove he

Was a smoothie

On our TV set

As he got the better

Of Nick Clegg;

Charming an...

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(Every year on the occasion of my birthday my daughter and I take on a challenge in support of Candlelighters, a charity which supports kids with cancer.  We have abseiled, cycled and rowed a marathon.  This year, because she says I am knocking on a bit, she has set us an easy one - a 20 mile walk along the old railway line from Selby Abbey to York Minster.  If anyone would like to contribute to t...

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The time was running out I’m feeling low

We’re 4-2 down cos of Aguerro

Then it turns round with Llorente’s goal

But will the goal be disallowed

A deathly hush falls upon the ground

The verdict waited by the silent crowd

But there’s VAR Man watching from the stand

He sees that it’s come off his hip and didn’t hit his hand

And the VAR Man says it’s not Handball

The re...

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(A tired old re-post.  But it pays to advertise)

I want a WriteOutLoud woman to do anything in the world for me

I want a WriteOutLoud woman to do anything in the world for me

She could lick my piece into shape; I mean my poetry.

I’d take down her pantoums and jiggle her spondees for fun

She’d mouth both my rondels and my phaleucian

We’d make the two-backed couplet until...

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(A play for two players. This may not make too much sense without the audio)

“You keep up with the brushing,

At least twice a day?

And have you done your flossin?”

“Wergly wergly werg”

“You keep good teeth“, he said to me

“But your gums recede.

How hard is your toothbrush?”

“Wergly wergly werg”

“You look well tanned for wintertime;

Have you been away?

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(Of course, if any of you ladies on WOL would like to widen my fallibilities....)

It takes many forms, I suppose.  Adultery.  You’re probably expecting a ‘Tales-of-my-Prick’ post.  Unfortunately, to date, I have not been able to introduce it to the prickly pear.

No.  My adultery involves unfaithfulness of a different kind.  I have, for instance, been conducting an extra-marital love aff...

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(For the use of that final quote I am indebted to the unlikey source of literature, Iron Mike Tyson.  For the rest of it, to Paul Simon of course.)

Slip Sliding Away, Slip Sliding Away

You know the nearer your destination

The more you Slip Sliding Away.

Il y a une femme, elle habite dans mon pays

She told the country that she lived in fear

If I can’t get what I’m wantin...

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(We'd do well to remember it's just half time)

He’s a great little guy and he plays for the Almighty Spurs, now

His speed on the ball is so fast, just a series of blurs, now

He’s the foil for young Harry that coach Pochettino prefers, now

And he’s called Son! Son! Son! - he’s the one who put Man City away.

The fans down the Lane are queueing up to buy his beer, now

They...

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(A re-post from 4 years ago. But you can't get enough of culture.  Plotting the nascency of a rather niche sexual preference I still have to this day. And have I really been making cigar box guitars for over 4 years?)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m first to say “I love the NHS”

A beacon of our Welfare State and free; but nonetheless

If I should see a nurse again you’re quite right to assume

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They were vans actually in the early days.  He wanted vans so he could do a bit of fetching and carrying on the black.

The first one he ever had was a big blue Bedford.  I reckon it would have been in the late 50’s.  I can’t remember what I had for my breakfast these days but I can recollect from a distance of 60 years its registration – YRB 370.  You had to start it with a handle shoved undern...

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Poor old Treeza May

We’ll be oh so sad to see you go

To make way for that twat BoJo

But you’ve had your day

Cos step aside is what you’ll do

If your crappy deal don’t get through.

Too ri oo ri oo ri oo ri ay

Come on Arlene

As the DUP’s queen

You wear orange not green

And she’s on the rack;

Unless she will pay

More bribes you hold sway

So you’ll shaft Treeza M...

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(A re-post of one of my greatest hits)

Mi firstest poems wa’ yonks ago;

I’ve lost ’em (God be thankst!);

Full o’ trite naivety

An’ post-pubescent angst.

Some of them’s political

(I put the world to rights)

I solved starvation on mi own -

Right On! An’ Outta Sight!

I took to wea...

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There’s a town in the US that owes its continuing prosperity to railways.  It isn’t a significant junction of major routes; it never built trains as we have Crewe or Swindon; and it has no history like Stockton or Darlington.

What it does have are themed hotels and restaurants, souvenir and bookshops – a whole industry ensnaring millions of dollars.

It owes its prosperity to the power of thr...

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To all you brave young shavers contemplating marriage vows

I offer this advice to ward off arguments and rows.

The Vicar he will tell you, ‘‘Marriage is a partnership’’

But very soon you’ll find out when the pretence starts to slip

That your experience mirrors mine which (only half in jest)

Is on every single matter –

I’ve found Our Gert knows best.

You may think the time...

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Although a biopsy had determined that I was clear of prostate cancer, the symptoms remained; weak bladder, “urgency”, weak flow and frequent trips to the loo, especially through the night.  In layman’s terms I need to go quick, often and only dribble.  (I knew you’d be interested).

There are treatments for this including prostate surgery but the doc suggested drugs to start with.

Now, I was ...

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By 1807 the Napoleonic War had become a stalemate.  The French had defeated the armies of Austria and Prussia at Austerlitz and Jena, and had control of virtually all mainland Europe.  The British had destroyed the combined French and Spanish fleets at Trafalgar and controlled the seas.  What this meant was that Britain could not invade Europe because its army was no match for the French whilst th...

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Forgive me if my attitude to grammar schools is a little more appreciative than is fashionable nowadays.  This is primarily because I am such a huge beneficiary of the system.

It strikes me that life is a selective process.  Hopefully, the best candidate gets the job; the best employees the promotions etc.  Competitive sport as youngsters prepares us for this. The best players make the team; th...

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(Striving for pension equality for the sisterhood)

She will get her pension same as me

She says she wants equality

It is the justice for which her sex will strive

She has pressed for changes in the law

For all the wrongs she’s fighting for

So it’s not 60 anymore

She’s got to wait to 65.

She now thinks this can’t be right

One more mysoginistic slight

Like dir...

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(A re-post.  I wrote this a couple of years ago when the Church of England announced that it would allow gay clergy to become bishops but with the perverse stipulation that they were not allowed to have sex).

Thankyou for the gays

Who nowadays

Lead “Songs of Praise”

On Sundays;

The pink and purple gays

Can take their picks

Of bishoprics

From Leith to Lundy.

The...

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(My support for the sisterhood)

Raise your voices; sisters speak!

International Women’s Week.

Banish weakness.  Let’s be strong.

Time to right what has been wrong.

Linking arms in sisterhood,

Pledged to Justice, pledged to Good.

Standing proud and standing tall,

The worth of one the strength of all

Yellow, brown or black or white

Joined together in the fight.

...

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Your weak prevarication

And your procrastination

On 2nd referendum

Kow-towing to Momentum

You   Who?

You  Who?

You’ve caused it all.

You’ve met with terrorists

An anti-monarchist

Ally of Trotskyists

Disguised as party activists

You   Who?

You   Who?

You’ve caused it all.

Give us all just one good reason

Why the nine of us should stay.

The l...

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On the honeyed sands of Bodrum’s where the tourists with their children swim and play

It’s a place of fun and laughter where Westerners enjoy their holiday

And the hotels on the shoreline raise the many different European flags

But no-one used the beach the day they found a single, sodden pile of rags.

That day would drain humanity of decency and spirit and of joy

For the ...

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Clothed in gold, in silver, iron,

Secrets safe for evermore;

Mighty Tisza, roaring lion

Here doth lie The Scourge of God.

Gold for Wealth and gold from quarry

A tribute for the gift of life;

Birthright to a king and warrior

Taken from the foes now dead.

Silver for the god of lune-night

Riding over homeland plains

Glint of amulet in moonlight

Heraldin...

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(A racing cert for Poem of the Week)

The key to success for a Champion

Is to start the day with a shag,

A hand-lowered shite of 6lb weight,

A can of Long Life and a fag.

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(A fusion of the brilliant analogy of Brexit by Hugo Rifkind with the rather obvious adaptation of the Beatles's "Yellow Submarine".  Apologies, Mr Rifkind. The brilliance was entirely yours).

In the times since I’ve been born There’s been things I’ve never seen

But the best of all of these Mrs May’s Cheese Submarine.

Cos the people had a vote The biggest vote there’s ever been

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Don’t get me wrong I’m comfortable with gays; I’ve always been;

But sometimes note they get into a tizzy;

And though it’s not a preference of mine, by any means,

I don’t mind helping out if they get busy.

The first time that I helped out in this way I well recall

The blood went to my head and I felt dizzy;

A frisson unfamiliar and not my scene at all

But I forced mys...

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(It's all kicking off tonight. Can't wait)

The runaway train went over the cliff and she blew

Woo-oo-woo

The runaway train went over the cliff and she blew

Woo-oo-woo

The driver never considered “What if?”

You’d think that she’d been at a spliff

And she blew blew blew blew blew.

The runaway train went over the edge and she blew

Woo-oo-woo

The runaway train s...

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(I walked the trail of England's bloodiest battle today.  Estimates run up to 33,000 dead.  It's an exposed and unforgiving place even without a blizzard and someone trying to cave your head in)

In 1400 and 61

I believe that was the year

There happened a bit of a fallout

With Yorkshire and Lancashire.

For brothers like this to come to such blows

It needed the cause be a...

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(A re-post from a couple of years ago)

Marbella's the spot for mooring your yacht

To ostentatiously show what you've got

But a sight more evocative ploughing the foam

Much nearer the heart and closer to home

Was never a craft you'd look good in

I refer to the Ponty Tom Pudding.

A cross between a barge and a train

With a...

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(York)

St Sampson’s Over 60’s Club

A place I like to be

It’s there I practise amateur

Gynaecology.

I tell them I’m a doctor

“Retired now” I’d say

And book them in appointments

At a rate of 3 a day.

The most of them see through my ruse

But let deception pass

They know this chance to open up

May likely be their last.

Of course, there’s just a one...

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(A belated Christmas carol)

Silent Man

Invisible Man

Keeping mum

Keeping schtum

Labour Movement for Second Vote

Struggling without a leader of note

Corbyn defined by this

Corbyn – weak as piss.

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