WHEN SAMMY GOT LOCKED IN THE STORE
Ten years ago when Daughter No2 was a student at Nottingham Trent University she took a part-time job at Primark. Until this happened.
The lights were all dimmed, they’d cashed the tills
The staff had gone home, their usual drill
A day uneventful without any thrills
In fact a bit of a bore
Till,
Sammy got locked in the store.
She’d waited till shift-end ...
Monday 28th December 2020 10:20 pm
AND SO THIS IS BREXIT 2
And So This Is Brexit
You’ve found out at last
For what you all voted
Four years in the past.
For four years I’ve ribbed you
That you didn’t know
For what you had voted
You told me “Not so!”
You now have your answer
But here is the joke
I’m willing to sell you
My pig in a poke.
Just send me your payment
To purchase my swine
I’ll send you yo...
Thursday 24th December 2020 11:03 pm
THE THREE HULATS
Prompted by a pub in Leeds of the same name. It is more intriguing not to know what they are.
One for vengeance, one for blood
Watching, waiting, ever still;
By a pulsing body stood,
Hooded, The Three Hulats.
Two for Death and two for Life
Dancing in between those scales;
Arbiters of Pain and Strife,
Grinning, The Three Hulats.
Three to row our very souls
...Tuesday 22nd December 2020 9:58 pm
THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS DO
It’s Friday before Christmas, with God’s help you might see through
The Saturnalian orgy of the Office Christmas Do.
The booze flowed free and freely, the dancing not as good;
We’d just been singing “Feed The World” while scoffing Christmas pud.
Cassandra took her panties off (What a sport she’s been)
I hoiked her for a photo on the copier machine.
And Malcolm...
Sunday 20th December 2020 9:08 pm
NOT QUITE RIGHT IN THE HEAD
I only realised quite recently how frequently I make reference in the pantheons of my literature to my kids. Love and pride, of course, are the prompts but there is another dimension which, I suspect, differentiates my pride from other fathers. And that is that neither of my kids are quite right in the head. It is a Mallen characteristic they have inherited from Yours Truly.
Daughter No 2, h...
Thursday 17th December 2020 8:18 pm
VACCINE
Vaccine, vaccine, vaccine, vaccine,
Please hurry up before I come to harm.
Vaccine, vaccine, vaccine, vaccine,
Please get a shift on – stick it in my arm.
On the leader board to vaccinate
I’m in Group 5 at 68
In front of most but still behind a few;
A huge relief I must confess
So hats off to the NHS
I cannot wait to shuffle up the queue.
They make me laugh ...
Tuesday 15th December 2020 1:34 pm
COOPS'S ALPHABET
An inferior attempt at Sebastian Faulks's "A Fool's Alphabet". I welcome better suggestions.
A for Bull
B for Given
C’s Firing
D for Kate
E’s a Peasy
F for And Ever
G’s on Toast
H to his Own
I for Big ‘Un
J for Archer
K for the Door
L’s a Poppin’
M for Sizing
N for Mouse
O for a Barrel
P for Rate
Q for a Bus
R for Daley
S for Rantzen
...Sunday 13th December 2020 10:21 pm
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT
I know I shouldn't but I'm rather looking forward to what comes next. (A painful lesson in Negotiation for Beginners for you Brexiteers).
I saw him today with von der Leyen
He went to collect your “easy deal”
He’s back with his bucket good and empty
I hope he liked his last EU meal.
This was your turkey “oven ready”
Set to Gas Mk IV and ready plucked
The “easiest de...
Friday 11th December 2020 1:12 pm
WEARING MY MASK
The main disadvantage to wearing this mask
As in it my fizzog I cram
It’s not steaming up; the ladies can’t see
Just how good looking I am.
Tuesday 8th December 2020 9:43 pm
AWKWARD FROM THE GRAVE
It’s a matter of no small pride to me that I’ve been considered awkward all my life. Teachers, employers, relatives, friends and enemies alike will all concur. So it was with some surprise that Daughter No 2 came up with a plan which even I had to admire – to piss folks off even after I was dead.
To understand the beauty of this I need to tell a little back-story.
During the floods and sto...
Sunday 6th December 2020 7:55 pm
PISSING IN THE WIND
How many votes in the states does it take
To convince you Big Baby has lost?
How many times will he shaft you with lies
Before you see you’ve been double-crossed?
And how many times will he claim that he won,
The price of democracy the cost?
The answer my friends is he is so thick skinned
Your POTUS will piss into the wind.
How many staff will he fire till he gets
A...
Wednesday 2nd December 2020 8:31 pm
WINTER FUEL PAYMENT
What a nonsense this is; that someone as rich as Croesus like me should be eligible. The reason is because it’s a universal payment, the only qualifications being that you are over state pension age and lived in the UK for at least one day in the last week of September.
You don’t even need to be alive. My dad qualified and he was dead. (Both he and the Government will have been gratified to kn...
Tuesday 1st December 2020 1:17 pm
HE'S A LIABILITY - GET HIM OUT OF HERE
On a visit to the Morrison’s I took a bloke to task -
The dozy twat had no idea of how to wear his mask;
He wore it underneath his nose; I asked him in the shop
If he wore his underpants with his prick flopped out the top.
Sunday 29th November 2020 10:13 am
THE NOB NURSE
As a 50’s Baby Boomer I was an early beneficiary of the newly created Welfare State.
Certainly the country was still in the arms of post-war austerity and as a whelp I caught the tail-end of rationing and will have gobbled down my fair share of powdered eggs and Ostermilk.
But of the many upsides were the provisions of the 1944 Education Act which cradled me through infant, junior and second...
Thursday 26th November 2020 9:15 am
THEY DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE BORN
I’ve been thinking of my grandad who had fought in World War 1
He went but went reluctantly to meet the Bosch head on;
Emerging from the trenches, a Lee Enfield in his hand
To play at “Shoot-my-bollocks-off” across that No Man’s Land.
I also think about my dad who sailed Pacific seas
On Royal and Merchant Navy ships to fight the Japanese,
In fear of planes’ and submarines’ t...
Tuesday 24th November 2020 4:42 pm
THE FASTEST STEAM TRAIN IN THE WORLD
Every schoolboy (at least of my generation) knows the answer. The Gresley A4 Pacific 4468, “Mallard”, of course. 126mph in 1938.
Quite right. But what is less commonly known is how tenuous is its claim to the title.
Two years earlier, Germany’s Borsig DRG Series 005, Locomotive 02, attained 124.5mph – clearly second best.
Until you consider, that is, that the Mallard record was attaine...
Sunday 22nd November 2020 4:05 pm
TORY BULLY
This certainly bears repetition today.
Priti's been catty
To her staff, they say
Driving them batty
Both by night and day
She's a bully
Tory bully
She's a bully
Tory bully
She's a bully
Her mood's always ratty
Their life's been hell
Who's driving them scatty?
That's Priti Patel
She's a bully
So I wrote this ditty
To spead the smell
That Priti's...
Friday 20th November 2020 7:21 pm
WEREWOLVES OF SELBY
I'm afraid the werewolf I got to do the howling had a bit of a sore throat.
I was walking by the cut in West Haddlesey
I saw 2 pairs of red eyes staring straight at me
The moon was bright and full. What could they be?
I’ve read about that stuff that goes bump in the night
And things that aren’t quite dead with a niche appetite
Whose smile is enough to give a dentist a ...
Wednesday 18th November 2020 10:06 pm
BARN DANCE (PROGRESSIVE)
For the uninitiated, when a dance is called a Paul Jones it means it becomes progressive; that is, you pass your partner on to the next gentleman in front of you and inherit the partner of the gentleman behind you. This is what used to pass for dogging.
We started at seven with everything fine
The Old People’s dance would be over by nine
We were lovely and cuddly, wise and benign
...Monday 16th November 2020 10:49 pm
I MISS THE MAN THAT I USED TO BE
I miss the man that I used to be
That athletic man that used to be me
For when I was young
I was tireless and strong
I miss the man that I used to be
The man I see in the photos of him
Is tall and muscular, dark and slim
But this was a past
Forbidden to last
I miss the man that I used to be
And little in confidence did he lack
His hair so sleek and Sicili...
Saturday 14th November 2020 10:11 pm
IT'S ALL OVER NOW
Big Baby used to twitter all night long
He ranted loud and he blustered strong
He posted through the early hours with his lies
Tables turned and now it’s his turn to cry.
Because he used to bluster but it’s all over now.
I used to read my ipad in the mornings and said
“That fat orange bastard is still off his fucking head”
His red caps could be found in every redneck town
...Thursday 12th November 2020 5:47 pm
"IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO TODAY"
As if I needed any further reminder
Of my ageing and mortality
Than a glance at a mirror
Someone told me
That we now stand
Further away in terms of time
From Sergeant Pepper
Than Sergeant Pepper stood
From the end of the First World War.
Tuesday 10th November 2020 10:35 pm
BUCKET LIST
Like I was telling you, it was through my affair with Marianne Faithfull that I met with The Rolling Stones.
It was common knowledge that she and Mick had been having a fling for some time. But she told me once as we lay in bed with our chicken that she found his lovemaking a little unimaginative. Mick took this badly at first and entered a period of deep depression, one symptom of which reve...
Monday 9th November 2020 8:42 am
I'M A LOSER
I’m a loser. I’m a loser.
And I’m not what I appear to be.
“I was 10 yards clear on the track’s final bend
How can it be that I lost in the end?
We were three goals up near the end of the game
How come we lost? I hold someone to blame?
The score should stand once that I was in front
It’s just not fair.” says some fat, mardy person.
I’m a loser. I’m a loser.
And...
Saturday 7th November 2020 6:20 pm
BOOTS
“Why don’t you leave your boots on?”
She said, as I walked through the door,
“There’s nothing to spoil in the kitchen;
There’s nothing to spoil on the floor”.
And later on in that evening
As I kissed her softly I said,
“Why don’t you leave your boots on?
There’s nothing to spoil on the bed”
Wednesday 4th November 2020 2:07 pm
LITTLE BASTARDS (TRICK OR TREATING)
They've been again. A hardy perennial.
Little Bastards, trick or treating
Little Bastards bloody cheating
Gave them sweeties, gave them money, gave them popcorn when they came
Little Bastards, trick or treating
Little Bastards need a beating
I got dog doo on my doorknob, I got dog doo
Just the same.
Little Bastards took my money
Little Bastards thought it funn...
Sunday 1st November 2020 12:34 am
NEW YORKERS
Americans are reluctant to remember (or keen to forget) that whole towns were loyal to the British Crown during the War of Independence. The most notable of these was New York. (But don't mention it to your cabbie there)
They fled from the murrain that fell on East Ham
By Plymouth and Boston they brought us
And on to this place they called New Amsterdam
To sire we grandsons and...
Thursday 29th October 2020 10:58 am
COVID FATIGUE
It could have been the greatest opportunity of our time for us to “step up to the plate”, as they say, and prove ourselves the match of those generations who have gone before us.
Fathers, grandfathers and great grandfathers responded to their duty (no doubt, reluctantly) shouldering responsibilities to endure extremes of discomfort and sacrifice.
We have failed. We have failed both ourselves...
Monday 26th October 2020 5:35 pm
PARALLAX 29
It is a well guarded miltary secret that there is a parallax or three-dimensional hole in number sequences. The most used of these is the 29th parallax which is vital for the technology of stealth bombers and other invisible "phenomena". At the risk of alerting the CIA that this is now in the public domain, I shall try to demonstrate as simply as I can the 29th parallax. (This is the only truly t...
Friday 23rd October 2020 11:30 am
DONALD THE ELEPHANT (TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP)
Worldwide fans of mine will recollect this re-post from my original of 2016 when His Trumpness became POTUS. You may also be aware that the emblem of the Republican Party is an elephant. Sometimes these things fall into your lap from Heaven.
One dark day a Republican caucus came
And brought a belligerent elephant and Donald was his name;
Now today he’s plying his dirty tricks
Desp...
Wednesday 21st October 2020 3:48 pm
WriteOutLoud Women Blues
A re-post from 2013 and featuring Yours Truly on slide guitar. I have not had any offers yet.
I want a WriteOutLoud woman to do anything in the world for me
I want a WriteOutLoud woman to do anything in the world for me
She could lick my piece into shape; I mean my poetry.
I’d take down her pantoums and jiggle her spondees for fun
She’d mouth both my rondels and my phaleu...
Monday 19th October 2020 8:24 pm
"WE-WON-THE-WAR-IN-1954"
A chant I have not heard for almost 60 years.
Playtime was fun and frightening and formative at primary School. It was a Boys School and play reflected that.
Ad hoc games of football were being played up and down and across the yard. Picture Manchester United playing Manchester City at Old Trafford while Tottenham played Arsenal across the pitch and several pockets of unrelated kick-a-bout...
Saturday 17th October 2020 10:18 am
CLOTTED CREAM, SCONE AND BLACKCURRANT JAM
It is with deep regret that I have to tell you that Notcutts Garden Centres have removed the benefit of two free coffees per month from their £12 Loyalty Card. Gone are the days of two cream teas for £3.50. It prompted me to dig this out from my Greatest Hits album.
Can any treat make me a more content man
Than clotted cream, scone and blackcurrant jam?
At mid-afternoon on a fine E...
Wednesday 14th October 2020 10:58 pm
SOBIBOR
In 1999 a retired Ohio car worker (but Ukrainian by birth), John Demjanjuk, was accused of being one of the Trawniki at Sobibor concentration camp. These were Eastern European collaborators who assisted in the extermination of Jews on behalf of the Nazis. He was extradited to Germany to stand trial for war crimes and subsequently found guilty and sentenced to 5 years imprisonment.
But it has a...
Tuesday 13th October 2020 12:49 pm
WE AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE
(Day 8 of our 14-day Track and Trace self-isolation)
Crowds that drift their way down the street
Neighbours, friends and relatives that we can’t meet
Just watching the world from this window seat
We ain’t going nowhere.
Oo-wee the beer’s running dry
But tomorrow’s the day that the groceries come
Oo-wee, time ticks by
Slowly in the easy chair.
The garden’s ...
Saturday 10th October 2020 11:56 pm
ASHES TO ASHES
Of all the things that you’ve ever taken for granted the most wondrous is You.
It’s a pretty good bet that you have never considered how truly amazing you are.
You are made up of billions of atoms, totally inert, lifeless and indestructible.
They have been totally inert, lifeless and indestructible since time began.
They will continue to be so until time runs out.
But for one tiny f...
Thursday 8th October 2020 12:02 am
"WE'RE GOING UNDERGROUND"
My dad got me the job at the pit. It was a good system. You knew if you didn’t behave yourself your dad would get to find out and at 17 I wasn’t too old to get a thick ear off him. What’s more, if you weren’t up to much it would reflect badly on him. I was one of an intake of half a dozen “juveniles”, all boys – women were prevented from working underground by law.
The first week was spent ...
Tuesday 6th October 2020 4:48 pm
OH HAPPY DAY!
There is a counselling trauma line set up for Manchester United fans on 0161 616161.
Oh Happy Day
When Son Heung-min
I said when Son Heung-min
He blew United away.
And Harry Kane
He scores when he wants
I said he scores when he wants
He got a brace today.
What can you say?
We stuffed you for six
Yes we stuffed you for six
It’s such a Happy Day.
...Sunday 4th October 2020 9:27 pm
RUBENS
For those of you with a less artistic bent than my good self I thought I would critique Rubens's masterpiece The Three Gracie Fields with a masterpiece of my own. A couple of the hoes are single mums already and have shamelessly brung their whelps along to the shag fest - a scene re-enacted most Saturday nights in the backyard of The Cock and Pullet, Donny.
An expanse of alabaster
Makes...
Thursday 1st October 2020 12:09 am
"UN HOMME ET UNE FEMME"
I confess that the transphobia kerfuffle with JK Rowling largely passed me by, so I’ll admit to being a bit shaky on the facts of the story. As I understand it, JKR lampooned the fabricated terminology and imagery of menstruation rather than calling a spade a “woman” and for this she was accused of transphobia.
Let me say from the off that I have no issue with anyone getting a new willy or fan...
Monday 28th September 2020 8:59 am
GANSEY
It’s cold and grey
In Cayton Bay;
It’s coming, there’s no doubt;
For no-one braves
The North Sea waves;
Best get the gansey out.
Saturday 26th September 2020 10:36 pm
CONSPIRACY THEORISTS
I am amused by conspiracy theories. Well, not the theories themselves which are unsubstantiated bollocks but by conspiracy theorists.
My son-in-law-to-be is one. Nothing passes him by – the moon landings, JFK’s assassination, crop circles and, of course, Covid 19. At first it was 5G signal masts, now it’s lab-produced in China for the purpose of bankrupting the West.
And I love it. I lik...
Thursday 24th September 2020 8:26 pm
HAPPY RUBY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
Me and Our Gert aren’t the soppy, sentimental types that go overboard with posh cards that cost a quid or more for each other. But seeing as it was our ruby wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago I thought it might be a bit off if I didn’t get her a card at least.
Unfortunately, I forgot.
Luckily, she keeps a stack for all eventualities in the sideboard – weddings, birthdays, In Deepest ...
Tuesday 22nd September 2020 9:52 pm
COOPEY'S GROUPIES
A re-post from a few years ago. The George and Dragon is shut now.
Tuesday night at the G & D
Quiz and supper for 50p
Will we win? We’ll have to see
When the marking’s done.
The team’s the same usually
Comprised of friends and family
All G & D devotees
We don’t half have some fun.
Besides myself there’s Phil and Glen
(We knock on questions 1 to 10)
Glen...
Saturday 5th September 2020 3:52 pm
THE MAGPIE
A re-post from my Greatest Hits Volume 1 collection to mark the start, meteorologically speaking, of Autumn.
The scene was a canvas autumnal
Not yet with crimson and gold,
The swirl of the dead leaves so pitiful,
Life’s paucity there to behold;
When adding itself to the monochrome
Of the blacks and whites and the greys
Came hopping along a lone magpie,
Out of the mist ...
Thursday 3rd September 2020 10:07 pm
THE CONTOUR LEGACY LEG PILLOW
Here’s something that you never knew you needed.
It’s a contoured cushion that you place between your thighs to help with your leg posture while you’re asleep. The idea is that it keeps your legs (specifically your tib and fib) parallel while you are asleep on your side.
You shove it tight underneath your crotch. And at £19.99 it’s not to be sniffed at.
Tuesday 1st September 2020 10:21 pm
CAN'T DO RIGHT FOR DOING WRONG
I pride myself on living by a code from days gone by
When gentlemen were gentlemen – at least, I always try;
But times and attitudes have changed from when I was a youth
I often feel quite left behind; this verse will offer proof.
While shopping at the local Spar I’d bought a thing or two
And patiently I waited for my turn within the queue;
I stood behind a woman, quite attr...
Friday 28th August 2020 7:29 pm
I'LL HAVE A CROCODILE SANDWICH AND MAKE IT SNAPPY
We really did have a pet caiman called “Snappy”, although “pet” is a bit strong; it didn’t come when you whistled or fetch sticks. And “we” was my brother-in-law. But it really did live in a tank in our front room and stopped passers-by in their tracks.
It was about 3 feet long when we gave it to Flamingoland, with half its length being tail.
We fed it on raw meat but, from time to time, o...
Wednesday 26th August 2020 7:44 pm
DREAM
A re-post from days when I had good dreams.
I woke excited this morning.
You know, excited down there;
I’d dreamt of us being together,
Aroused by the scent of your hair.
We walked hand-in-hand so slowly
Soaked to the bone by the rain
Its rivulets streamed down your forehead
We laughed and were twenty again.
The street turned into a bedroom
So seamless ...
Wednesday 19th August 2020 10:55 pm
OUT OF WINE
With our 40th wedding anniversary ominously looming, a love poem to the lovely but irascible Mrs C. A courageous re-post.
You’ll not know what’s going on
She’s been so quiet all night long
A proper lady to wine and dine
But very soon she’ll probably decide to throw a wobbly
She gets crazy, crazy, crazy when she’s Out of Wine.
Crazy, crazy, crazy when she’s Out of Wine
I ...
Sunday 16th August 2020 10:16 am
AN OLD SHAG
We all recollect from our earlier days
In stories we’d tell of the hell we would raise;
We thought then that boastful dishonesty pays
As puppies we’d pompously brag
That there’s nowt that can beat an Old Shag.
But youth is impatient and takes pleasure fast
But the quicker you quench it the sooner it’s passed
The longest ride’s had on the horse that comes last
So savour...
Wednesday 12th August 2020 8:16 pm
JOHNNY'S
A recent trip to Brid prompted this.
Johnny used to run a second-hand shop on one of Brid’s back streets. He was a dirty, fat old bloke who used to sit on a stool just inside the doorway. I never saw him get off his perch: he probably couldn’t.
The shop stank of Johnny and contained a cornucopia of tat. If you wanted anything you brought it to Johnny and gave him the money as he sat on hi...
Tuesday 11th August 2020 8:49 am
SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE (SHE CAUGHT ME SNIFFING HER PANTS)
An unrequited love poem
I’ve had some bad luck with the ladies
In truth, the fault’s down to me
You see, I’ve a niche peccadillo
That’s harmless, I’m sure you’ll agree.
I’d taken her out on a bike ride
We’d stopped at a café to eat
But when she came back from the Ladies
She caught me sniffing her seat.
A second invited me inside
An offer I couldn’t refu...
Saturday 8th August 2020 9:09 am
THE LORD ALFRED SHIT-FOR-BRAINS OF CASTLEFORD
Let me say from the off that Alfie is a mongrel. Oh, sure, my daughter describes him as a bijon fries something-or-other cross. But the offspring of a pure Arabian and a pure-bred Asinara donkey is still an ass (or is it a mule, I forget). So Alfie is still a mongrel.
An adorable little mongrel, I’ll grant you – to look at, at any rate. But a little shit when you get to know him.
Now, I’m...
Saturday 1st August 2020 9:44 pm
NOTTON OPEN GARDENS 2020
I laminate and post a few of these poems around the in-laws garden at appropriate points for this event.
Geranium Bed
I have a hobby bordering mania
Taking cuttings of gerania;
“Not so!” your criticism comes
It’s plural is geraniums”.
Bird Feeders
These little rhymes made up of words
Just pale beside the songs of birds;
We keep these feeders fully stocked
...
Thursday 30th July 2020 10:13 pm
CRICKET CALYPSO (RAMADHIN AND VALENTINE)
You'd need to be of a certain age to remember Lord Beginner's original; or, indeed, Ramadhin and Valentine.
Cricket, lovely cricket
Old Trafford was where I saw it
Cricket, lovely cricket
So lovely you can’t ignore it.
Bowled out for just 129
England won by 269
369 was what we scored
A rattling knock from Stuart Broad.
Once upon a better time
You’d have Ramadhin ...
Tuesday 28th July 2020 6:28 pm
"ONLY FOR OURSELVES"
Our grandchildren and great grandchildren will ask
"Who broke the world?"
And the tears of our ghosts will weep
"We did"
And they will ask us
"Did you not care?"
And we will answer
"Only for ourselves".
Monday 27th July 2020 4:15 pm
HACK IN THE USSR
Worldwide fans may prefer to enjoy the poem without listening to the audio! The opening E7 chord is perfect. "Tits up" starts immediately after.
We’re seeking IT specialists to join our team
To supplement the Putin crew
Trade your western decadence for our regime
Come and join the chosen few.
And hack in the USSR
And work for the Tsar
Hack in the USSR.
We’re loo...
Friday 24th July 2020 10:00 pm
CULTURAL APPROPRIATION
I was amused to see an article on this on today’s BBC News website. It seems an American woman from Richmond, Virginia, stands accused of “cultural appropriation” for posting a video of herself doing that Irish Riverdancing. Now don’t get me wrong, I fully support taking down posts of idiots dancing on the spot to the tune of an Irish whistle; not for reasons of cultural appropriation, but becau...
Saturday 18th July 2020 2:22 pm
THE VERGER AND THE MAGISTRATE
Nowadays I am one rung down from the fucking angels. But I was not always so. A re-post.
I moan these days about youngsters -
The chavs and the scuzzies and thugs;
Their swearing and gobbing and ASBOs -
Their smoking and drinking and drugs.
But I recollect I was no angel
And partial to that Special Brew
And me and my mate have knocked teeth out
And pissed in a doorwa...
Wednesday 15th July 2020 10:48 pm
MACBETH - HISTORICAL DISCLAIMER
Readers should be aware that the play may contain outdated attitudes, language and cultural depictions which may cause offence today. And nuts. And in no way does its publication, replication or production intend to justify, endorse or celebrate the morality contained therein.
In particular, we do not condone the stereotyping of the three witches as women with their associated body shaming whi...
Monday 13th July 2020 5:47 pm
THE CONTINUING STORY OF THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER
A re-post from a few years ago and included in my epic tome "Proper Poems by John Coopey: t'Finest Bloody Poet from Chapel Haddlesey Ever To Draw Breath". Always happy to improve on the works of inferior poets like Lewis Carroll.
“The Walrus and the Carpenter
Licked their lips so sweet
And pondered their good fortune
At that tasty mollusc treat;
Then idly stretched to doze awhi...
Saturday 11th July 2020 9:48 pm
MISTRESS RACHEL
An attempt at mid-line assonance and end-line consonance. A re-post from 2012. (I no longer require a penile cage to restrain me!).
In the mind and on the flesh sense the crop’s keen edge
Hear the swish and feel the thresh; Mistress will oblige.
One’s for you; the second’s mine; the third is born in rage
Three red welts in perfect line; Mistress will oblige.
Pain and pleasure ...
Thursday 9th July 2020 9:45 am
THE 11 PLUS
Fellow Baby Boomers will no doubt recall that rite of passage that was the Eleven Plus. For non-Boomers that was an exam every kid took at the age of eleven (as it happens) to determine your next educational path. Those who passed went on to the grammar school, those that didn’t didn’t. They went on to the secondary modern, and for the vast majority of the population that “cut” set the seal on th...
Tuesday 7th July 2020 4:59 pm
BAME!
(You will see where I got the inspiration for this. More than the inspiration, really. I have just taken his piece and wrapped the song around it. See first comment)
Baby, look at me
And tell me what you see
You try to be woke and polite
But BAME just means that I’m not white.
You don’t know what you say or do
With just two boxes – me and you;
How, morally, can this be...
Saturday 4th July 2020 8:31 am
THE BATTLE OF WATERLOO
(History Made Simple. A masterpiece of mine included in the anthology "Still Life with Wine and Cheese", celebrating all that's best about France. A slim volume!)
There stood mud ‘n’ puddles where once there’d stood flowers
It bucketed stair rods for ‘ours ‘n’ ‘ours
It tested us patience; it tested us powers
To trudge to the port-a-loo
At the Battle o’ Waterloo.
We’d ...
Wednesday 1st July 2020 8:05 pm
DECIMATION
(This might come across as a bit dewy-eyed. In fact, although I made a good living out of it for more than 20 years, for the sake of the planet and my grandchildren, I don't mourn the loss of the coal industry)
Around the town of Barnsley there were 30,000 men
In hey-days of their glory; that was when
They worked the local mines for coal,
Descending down a half mile hole
To sc...
Sunday 28th June 2020 3:28 pm
THE STUPIDEST NATION ON THE PLANET
Following Brexit I had held the view for quite a time that we must be the most stupid nation on the planet; why else would 17m people vote for something when they didn’t know what they’d get (and still don’t for that matter).
Now I don’t want to downgrade Britain’s achievements in this department but events in the USA have caused me to re-evaluate my position. Now, you might think I’m a bit sl...
Thursday 25th June 2020 9:17 pm
MURMURATION
(One of them there haikupis)
Prayers before bedtime
An homage to The Great One
Religion in flight
Wednesday 24th June 2020 5:36 pm
THE BIG ISSUE 2
I write this piece for the many thousands of my worldwide fans with less inquisitive minds than my goodself.
It’s said that one of the differences between prose and poetry is that the latter tends to address many of the more weighty aspects of the human condition – death, nature, loss, love etc., and certainly I have witnessed several of you attempting a well-meaning put at these matters. So i...
Monday 22nd June 2020 3:17 pm
WHAT I COULD HAVE LEARNED IN LOCKDOWN
I could have baked a wholemeal loaf
Or set tomato seeds
I could have made a tenon joint
Or learned to iron a shirt.
I could have planted taters
Or learned to make a fire
Or mixed up concrete with my dad
Or learned the call of birds.
I could have watched the stars at night
Or edged and mowed the lawn
I could have gone on nature walks
Identifying trees.
...
Friday 19th June 2020 11:24 pm
LET THE HEARTACHES BEGIN
(What's all this bollocks about it being good for the mental health of the nation?)
Those days of heartache seem so long ago
But very soon I know
They’ll return on the TV and the radio;
This three month lock-down’s been so good for me
I’ve found it so stress-free
But now returns the misery
So let the heartache begin
It makes no difference – lose or win
And though we...
Wednesday 17th June 2020 8:35 am
SUSPENDED SENTENCE
I had an argument today (I’m quite a bolshie sod)
And one I knew I couldn’t win – an argument with God.
I know he is the Father of All Creatures Great and Small
And has no favourites in between; He loves them one and all.
And I had cruelly murdered one. No question, it was dead.
I’d panicked when I’d seen it there – a spider in my bed.
I pleaded mitigation, “It's just an ar...
Sunday 14th June 2020 8:26 pm
TEARING DOWN THE WALLS OF HEARTACHE
What a bloody nonsense all this is. This taking down of statues business.
Let me say from the outset that I deplore the killing of George Floyd and all the others who have died at the hands of police brutality. I support the demonstrations in protest at this (peaceful and socially distanced, I add) although I do wonder what their aims are. It seems to me that there are ample protections agai...
Friday 12th June 2020 2:35 pm
DRAW THE MUSIC
We used to play a game with the kids when they were little to keep them occupied on long journeys. It was called, “Draw the Music”.
The idea was simple. I played a cassette of music and they drew or wrote what picture it made them think of. The music had to have no words, of course, otherwise it suggested itself. Classical music was good for this, as they had no pre-conceived ideas about it...
Thursday 11th June 2020 10:22 pm
LA VIE EN ROSE
(I thought this site needed a poem in foreign. An homage to our trusted friends across the Channel)
Quand il me prend dans ses bras
Il me parle tout bas
Je vois la vie en rose
Edith Piaf, petit pain
And Zinedine Zidane
Depardieu with grand nose
No-one likes Charles Aznavour
Don’t mention Agincourt
It makes them tres morose
Ballets and Calais, aussi Charles de Ga...
Tuesday 9th June 2020 11:00 pm
"GINGER UP"
I found myself watching that pretentious piece of Old Shag called “Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown” some time ago, when a snippet of trivia got wedged in my napper.
You probably know the format; it’s a panel game hosted by some self-important prig with a laugh like a donkey and a couple of women “experts” - a looker who deals with some numbers and a dowdy looking piece that doesn’t. Well, the d...
Sunday 7th June 2020 6:46 pm
HIDEAWAY
(A man afraid of his own people)
Hideaway (Come on)
A man with two feet of clay
A man who will talk True Grit
The truth of it
He’s full of shit
And needs to hideaway.
Hideaway (Come on)
Far from the light of day
Leaving behind this mess
Of black unrest
And their protest
Where he can hideaway.
Hideaway (Come on)
Far from the crowds that bay
...Thursday 4th June 2020 6:27 pm
MICHAEL'S STORY
You might remember him as Billy Elliot’s best friend, the one who liked dressing up in his sisters’ clothes and wearing make-up. We last saw him in the audience for a performance of Swan Lake, with a grown-up Billy taking the lead role. On one side of him were Billy’s dad and brother; on the other, we assumed his black friend. Michael himself wore woman’s clothing with little skill.
We were ...
Wednesday 3rd June 2020 12:07 pm
A BLACK LIFE DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE
(A shocking disgrace that I should feel the need to repost this, as George Floyd adds to the catalogue of black Americans who died at the hands of the police).
There you go and, Trayvon, here am I
One black, one white, so one’s OK to die
No need to puzzle or to wonder why
Cos a black life doesn’t matter anymore.
Akai Gurney, Ford and Michael Brown
Eric Garner ...
Monday 1st June 2020 11:16 am
THE NAKED GARDENER
When I set out my bedding plants
I garden in my underpants;
Cos now we’re all in isolation
I’m free from risk of visitation;
The only time my theory fails
Is when the postie fetches mail
Or Tesco’s Gill brings us our food;
She asked me “Why not garden nude?”
I told her she’s a silly twit -
There’s always chance I’d kneel on it.
Friday 29th May 2020 5:09 pm
IT'S CUMMINGS' HOME
(On the altar of poetic licence I have sacrificed the grammatically correct "Cummings's" for the grammatically incorrect "Cummings')
It’s Cummings’ Home
It’s Cummings’ Home
That farm was Old Man Cummings’ Home
(*2)
Talk about staying in your home
Don’t go out and don’t roam
Isolate on your own
You’re instructed to keep in confines
Or else risk a fine
Unless ...
Tuesday 26th May 2020 4:14 pm
TALKIN' SAMMY'S HORRID DREAM MASSACREE BLUES
(A true story; in as much as any dream is true!)
Our Sam dropped by to wish us well
But also had a tale to tell;
Now, I could tell it but I’ll let Sam
Cos no-one tells one like she can.
That’s No.2 daughter…….Not quite right in the head.
“Last night I had a horrid dream
The worstest nightmare’s ever been;
As I was walking down the street
I got swept up and off ...
Sunday 24th May 2020 4:12 pm
THOUGHTS ON BREAST FEEDING IN PUBLIC
(A re-post from 2015)
I well recall some years ago
Before I had a car and so
I’d caught the bus to go to town
I paid my fare and then sat down;
A woman was sat next to me
(I paid no mind and nor did she);
And so in silence on our way
We journeyed, till I heard her say
“If you don’t eat up” she began,
“I’ll give it to this nice young man”;
I glanced and saw the...
Thursday 21st May 2020 10:27 pm
DON'T DO FACEBOOK ANYMORE
(My worldwide Facebook fans will have been perturbed by my absence)
Don’t do Facebook anymore
Di’n’t do Twitter too before
Yes, I’ve kicked them out the door
So you all now know the score
Don’t do Facebook anymore.
There’s no reason why I should
Read the posts of stupid cruds
I’d ignore them if I could
But I can’t; in likelihood
My responses cause bad blood.
...Wednesday 20th May 2020 10:51 pm
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION
I got to thinking about Temptation as a theological concept within the construct of The Seven Deadly Sins the other day. Worldwide fans will be aware of my ruminations on these from previous treatises I have posted in scholastic publications like Facebook.
Essentially I was trying to weigh myself on the balance of scales and decided that on Gluttony, Sloth and Greed I am banged to rights, where...
Sunday 17th May 2020 7:55 pm
BEAT THE DRUM
Let’s hear it for the doctors and the nurses on our wards
The thousands upon thousands who will never win awards
“They’re heroes” Boris now insists
He’ll soon forget - their worth dismissed
One tokened in the Honours List
So beat the drum for nurses.
Let’s hear it for the carers who look after Britain’s aged
Their contribution to the cause deemed unskilled and low waged
...Thursday 14th May 2020 9:02 pm
BUDGICIDE
“I can’t remember if I cried
When I’d committed budgicide
But something touched me deep inside
The day the budgies died.” (They were canaries, actually).
It was something that gained me a notoriety it took a long time to shake off.
During the year-long Miners’ Strike of 1984/85 management staff not in the National Union of Mineworkers were seconded to pits on safety cover. Th...
Tuesday 12th May 2020 6:00 pm
THE MAN WHO MADE MODERN BRITAIN
(Tonight's BBC1 screening of "Darkest Hour" and the VE anniversary prompted me to re-post this blog of mine from 2015)
It will not have escaped the notice of newswatchers that we have just marked the 50th anniversary of Churchill’s death. Like him or loathe him, he was one of the great shapers of modern Britain. So too was Arthur Greenwood.
In May 1940 Britain stood on the brink of de...
Saturday 9th May 2020 9:44 pm
I'M REALLY ENJOYING THIS LOCK-DOWN
I’m really enjoying this lockdown,
Though some of you might be appalled;
My life carries on unabated -
The difference is slight, if at all.
The pension rolls in as per schedule,
Curfew or none, come what may;
It’s just like a permanent furlough
Without a reduction of pay.
There’s little I miss about lock-down
There’s nowhere that I’d want to go
I’d rather be...
Thursday 7th May 2020 12:46 pm
LOCK-DOWN
I’m not a great socialiser - a bit of a Jonah as such
So what have I missed during lock-down?
In truth, not very much.
Tuesday 5th May 2020 6:24 pm
SIX WOOD WIZARD
(Everyone remembered him as the 1960's Pinball Wizard of Brighton seafront. Shortly after, he married his childhood sweetheart, Elsie. They would have been in their 60's now but he died a few years ago. Elsie now has a new love).
Ever since I’ve been an old man I’ve played those wooden balls
Both indoors and on crown green , I must have played them all
But I ain’t seen nothing lik...
Sunday 3rd May 2020 8:37 pm
FUCK THE NHS!
(Always happy to swim against the flow)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m first to say “I love the NHS”
A beacon of our Welfare State and free; but nonetheless
If I should see a nurse again you’re quite right to assume
In 40, 50 years or more – well, this would be too soon.
And seeing as you’re interested I’ll tell the reason why;
It’s all to do with what blokes do to pass the morning...
Friday 1st May 2020 8:40 am
YER PILUM
Your Roman pilum ranks alongside the English longbow as one of the great weapons of warfare. At school, in Latin, we translated it as “spear”, which does it about as much justice as calling Beethoven a “pub turn”.
It was around 6’ long, the heavier shaft accounting for 4’, with a narrower spike of around 2’ at the business end. The tip of the blade had a pyramidical point. As a killing machine...
Tuesday 28th April 2020 10:41 pm
NO PARTICULAR PLACE TO GO
Up in the morning to start your day
“What shall we do?” You hear yourself say
You realise then and you feel a berk
The Government’s said that you can’t work
Should you go out? The answer is “No!”
There’s no particular place to go.
It’s 9am and the time is near
For cracking a can of lager beer
At 10 o’clock and you’re on your third
You’re starting to sweat and your ...
Sunday 26th April 2020 6:14 pm
"YOU LITTLE TOE RAG!"
Like me, you probably always thought a toe rag was some kind of cheesy-smelling rag you put on or between your toes, perhaps to help with your blisters. Colloquially it was an insult denoting a worthless person. But a visit to the HMS Trincomalee a couple of years ago put me right.
The Trincomalee is one of the last preserved fighting ships still afloat and is moored at Hartlepool Marina. (H...
Friday 24th April 2020 8:46 pm
SHALL I COMPARE THEE TO A SUMMER HOUSE?
(It's laddo's birthday today (deathday, for that matter). I thought I'd give one of his more tiresome dirges a chuck-on with this facelift from my shed stable)
Shall I compare thee to a summerhouse?
Thou art more sturdy and more waterproof;
A summerhouse is for a great girl’s blouse;
Conservatories? Thou thinkest me a poof!
Sometime too hot doth blaze Apollo’s eye
But when...
Thursday 23rd April 2020 3:03 pm
THE BATTLE OF MEDWAY
(A true history. Mostly)
You’ve all ‘eard o’ t’Spanish Armada,
‘ow King Phillip the Schofield of Spain
Singed ‘is beard an’ then ‘ow ‘is navy
Got stuffed in Elizabeth’s reign.
An’ at Trafalgar Lord Nelson
Gen them Froggies some stick,
But died ‘olding Oliver ‘ardy
‘is bicorn spelled out “Kiss Me Quick”.
I’ll bet, though, yer less well acquainted
Wi one ove...
Monday 20th April 2020 10:46 pm
UNIVERSAL KILLER
(I had to do several takes of the audio. I kept choking up)
She’s 5’ 2” and he’s 6’ 4”
She’s black, he’s white, it really doesn’t care
He’s all of 81 and she’s only 17
Its gift is death to each in equal share;
She’s a Muslim from Iran, he’s a Catholic from France
A rich man or a pauper on the dole
It’s a doctor or a nurse inside that funeral hearse
Who’s Bangladeshi o...
Thursday 16th April 2020 7:44 pm
"SCRATCH"
Was his nick-name because his surname include “itch” in it. He was quite young, in his twenties I’d guess, fresh from training college, and an unkempt, fat bloke with irregular teeth. His shirt always gaped above his trousers revealing his belly button.
He taught English at my grammar school and was a sadistic bastard. This was in the days of teachers hitting kids with impunity or picking th...
Tuesday 14th April 2020 4:01 pm
THE WORLD IN BLOOM
(A pic of my garden rockery looking swell)
We suffer at the World Cup from the Germans’ discipline
In rugby and in cricket it’s the same;
You’d think New Zealand and the Aussies too might let us win
Inventing as we did the bloody game!
But all good things, the saying goes, will come to he who waits
In time those foreign countries will admire us
As Britain plays the a...
Saturday 11th April 2020 11:03 am
CLAIM OF PHONES (5G)
(I fear I will be taken out by the Illuminuminatti for posting this)
It’s all here on Facebook – something new
One more barmpot theory made for you;
Read all about the conspiracy
The virus Corona’s been caused by 5G
The story world leaders are plying are just packs of lies
I’ve read it on Facebook it starts when you eat Wigan pies
Then growing inside you, unsportsmanlike
...Wednesday 8th April 2020 5:59 pm
KEEP TWO METRES TO BE SAFE
Keep two metres to be safe
Keep two metres to be safe
Keep two metres to be safe, nothing but space between us
Anything less is risking lives away.
You won’t want to meet St Peter
You would rather be a death cheater
Dying from this would be a lonely affair.
Keep two metres to be safe
That’s the way that you must behave
Keep two meters don’t invade the space tha...
Sunday 5th April 2020 8:20 pm
PEE ON ME
(A re-post from 2017. In tribute to Bill Withers who died today. Worldwide fans may recall the story which circulated 3 or 4 years ago that Donald Trump had, prior to his candidature for POTUS, engaged the services while he had visited Moscow of two prostitutes to engage in a little watersports.)
Some times in our lives
We crave that rain
That’s sweet as flowers;
And when it arri...
Friday 3rd April 2020 10:38 pm
STICKKITA WOK ON?
When I was a lad of around 19 and at university I had a holiday job as a labourer at “Billy” Bodill’s builder’s yard. The minibus would pick us up about 7 0’clock and take us to the job.
It was a formative experience. For one thing, I risked lung cancer every day travelling in the fug inside that van.
Then there was Gran. Short for Granville, he seemed about 80 to my mate Bruce and me. B...
Wednesday 1st April 2020 8:08 am
F*****G STAY AT HOME
(Warning: the audio is unexpurgated)
It’s been a source of some regret that I had missed my chance
To be a superhero with my kecks inside my pants.
I wanted to be Batman and to fight the city’s crime
I’d get hold of The Piddler and I’d make him serve his time.
Or whizz around like Superman, on guard by day and night
Looking out for phone boxes in case my pants got tight.
...
Sunday 29th March 2020 12:58 am
WE DON'T NEED NO VENTILATORS (Brexit Before Breathing)
(It seems the offer was stuck in his spam box. I know many others who would like to stick something in his spam box)
We don’t need no ventilators
We’ve quite sufficient on the whole
We don’t need your respirators
Thankyou but we’ve got our own
Hey! Britain! We got Brexit done.
All in all it’s just another bad Boris call.
We will beat corona virus
Without the hel...
Friday 27th March 2020 9:55 pm
LP's, SINGLES and 78's
I realise completely that this will not make sense to 80% of WOLers. But, hey-ho, there are some clubs in life you just can’t join.
I sold my records when I went to university in the early 70’s, opting instead to tape them all before I flogged them on a Grundig reel-to-reel tape recorder. Shame really, some of them turned out to be quite valuable; amongst them was an early copy of Bob Dylan’s...
Thursday 26th March 2020 5:19 pm
MY SWEET HOARD
(I have, rather belatedly, come to understand why people are stockpiling toilet rolls)
My Sweet Hoard
Ooh-ooh My Hoard
My bog roll hoard
At home is stored
I’m happy that I’ve bought ya
I got more than I oughta
In Tesco’s it was slaughter
But I nabbed all I could afford.
My Sweet Hoard
My bog roll hoard
We scratched and clawed
I took my sword
But now...
Monday 23rd March 2020 8:39 pm
I'LL BEAT THIS VIRUS WITH TOILET ROLLS
I’ll beat this virus
I’ll beat this virus with toilet rolls
I’ll beat this virus
I’ll beat this virus with toilet rolls
I’ve filled my trolley
I’ve filled my trolley with twenty packs
Enough by golly
Enough by golly for 12 months cack.
I fought a shopper
I fought a shopper who wanted one
I had to drop her
I had to drop her cos stocks had gone
I’m ...
Thursday 19th March 2020 11:19 pm
I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE
I have seen the Future
And it is the Past.
Rationing and the blackmarket
Curfews
Rousing speeches from the Leader
And Death
Plenty of Death.
When your electrity and water supply fail
When garbage rots in the streets
When there are not enough doctors and nurses to staff the hospitals
When the police force is denuded by sickness
When the Army is shooting looter...
Tuesday 17th March 2020 8:58 am
UNSKILLED LABOUR
The recent announcements about the Government’s points-based immigration proposals have prompted some discussion among a number of my Facebook chums on how, exactly, one job’s worth can be compared with another. Care workers, for example, are often cited in this regard.
Well, there are instruments for evaluating the relative worth of jobs – I myself used to be a licensed practitioner of these....
Saturday 14th March 2020 7:13 pm
CORDUROYS
I’ve started wearing corduroy now I’m a certain age;
I’ve trousers both in red and brown but mostly I wear beige.
(The drawback, though, with wearing beige – it makes you look a dunce -
Is poor control at toilet times leaves piss stains down their fronts).
My pension doesn’t run to much, so mean I barely cope
But corduroy’s affordable in BHF and Scope.
Of course, I’d never w...
Wednesday 11th March 2020 9:39 pm
A BLOWJOB A DAY
I think it’s remarkable false hygiene goals
Have prompted the hoarding of stores’ toilet rolls;
In Morrison’s, Boots and in Asda the shelves
Are empty as numpties bulk buy for themselves;
Despite the advice of the experts, the dumb
Believe that the virus will egress your bum.
But Brexit has shown how misinformation
Gets swallowed wholesale by a gullible nation.
And so ...
Sunday 8th March 2020 10:38 pm
TORY BULLY
Priti's been catty
To her staff, they say
Driving them batty
Both by night and day
She's a bully
Tory bully
She's a bully
Tory bully
She's a bully
Her mood's always ratty
Their life's been hell
Who's driving them scatty?
That's Priti Patel
She's a bully....
So I wrote this ditty
To spead the smell
That Priti's been shitty
That's Priti Patel
She's a...
Friday 6th March 2020 10:31 pm
CRADLE - A TRIOLET
(I have just re-read Bernard Cornwell's excellent Stonehenge and was prompted to re-post this)
The cradle of all – the living, the dead
Where Sol and Lahanna hold thrones,
Where many a sacrifice leached earth red;
The cradle of all – the livin...
Sunday 1st March 2020 12:38 am
PHOTOS OF ME DINNER
When old gits gather, talk always turns to nostalgia – the size of Wagon Wheels and Mars Bars, for example. A loose re-enactment of that Monty Python Yorkshiremen sketch.
At such a coven recently my mate remembered those pre-digital, pre-Facebook days of snapping a dozen photos on your Kodak Instamatic and taking the film to Boots to get it developed. You’d collect your photos two weeks later...
Wednesday 26th February 2020 10:23 am
IN HIS HANDS
I stumbled across his funeral today. I didn’t even know he’d died.
I was making my way into the Abbey for a tinkle and saw a couple of hearses outside. I thought I could discreetly sidle down the North Aisle to the toilet when I bumped into the Verger just inside the door.
“Did you know him?” he asked. I reached for his service sheet to see that it was a former colleague whom I knew from ...
Friday 14th February 2020 10:55 pm
THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE
Driving up the A1 from East Midlands Airport a couple of days ago in this current spell of bad weather reminded me of an incident I was involved in around 20 years ago. (On a related note, Storm Ciara made for a lively landing, I can tell you. But it takes more than a spot of breeze to persuade Ryan Air to waste fuel diverting).
Anyway, 20 years ago, I was likewise driving up the A1(M) past D...
Tuesday 11th February 2020 3:34 pm
AND SO THIS IS BREXIT
And so this is Brexit
And isn’t this fun?
We Leavers have won it
We’ve got Brexit done.
Two fingers to Europe
The Poles and the Dutch
We’re not xenophobic
Or racist as such.
So three cheers for Brexit
Remoaners, you lost;
We’re free now from Europe
Now let’s count the cost.
So, yes, that was Brexit
Remember this date
We’re soon to become th...
Saturday 1st February 2020 12:02 am
WE ARE MILLENNIAL SNOWFLAKES
(The counterpart to my previous "We are the Baby Boomers")
We are Millennial Snowflakes
So PC and woke
Always wearing pained expressions
Suffering from acute depression
Being young is oh-so stressful
Life’s beyond a joke
There’s no-one suffers more than me
Why, yesterday most cruelly
I got no signal on 4G
I need a snort of coke.
And we Millennial Snowflak...
Monday 27th January 2020 9:32 pm
WE ARE THE BABY BOOMERS
We are the Baby Boomers
Born after the war
In 1950 I was foetal
Then I grew up with The Beatles;
Our watchword’s always “Mustn’t Grumble”
Snowflakes we abhor
They’re owed a living they assume
They bleat about their stress and gloom
I wouldn’t give them elbow room
But show them out the door.
We are the Baby Boomers
Nearly now old gits
Jobs were plenty; we go...
Friday 24th January 2020 10:31 pm
MILEPOSTS
It’s said that there are a number of mileposts you pass in your life which let you know you’re knocking on.
For example, when you’re young everyone identifies with the girl in The Beatles’ “She’s Leaving Home”. As you get older your empathy switches to her parents – “Daddy, our baby’s gone!”
I have also noticed that when an airline pilot steps out of his cabin he looks like he belongs on th...
Wednesday 22nd January 2020 6:00 pm
YER NOTCUTTS SCONE
(I believe the price has gone up to £15 this year)
We bought our discount clubcard
It wasn’t very dear
Fo’ Notcutts Garden Centre -
Just twelve quid fo’ one year;
Besides percentage discounts
There’s coffee or there’s tea
Or even cappuccinos
That’s two a month fo’ free;
Now, reckon up two coffees
At just two quid a punt,
That’s forty eight quid fo’ the year,
...Monday 20th January 2020 9:40 pm
LOOK WHAT THEY DONE TO MY THONG, MA
(For the benefit of worldwide fans anxious to cop a glimpse again of Yours Truly in mankini mode - a re-post)
Look what they done to my thong, Ma
Look what they done to my thong, Ma
The posing pouch is very small, the waistband very long, Ma
Look what they done to my thong.
I can’t buy clothes off the shelves, Ma
I can’t buy clothes off the shelves, Ma
I need my basq...
Friday 17th January 2020 10:54 pm
I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW MY SPECS HAVE COME
("There's nowt for getting old" - my Aunt Flo")
I can see clearly now my specs have come
I can see pills that’s on my bedside tray
Gone is my need for library large-print books
I can read perfectly good if it’s arm’s length away.
I can chew proper now my teeth are in
No more rolling food round my gums
No more Angel Delight and chicken soup
It’s gonna be pie, steak...
Thursday 16th January 2020 10:39 am
THE MAN
I recall hearing a story once – I think it was from the Bible – about someone who cried only twice when his father hit him. Once was the first time when he cried because it hurt. The second was the last time his father hit him and he cried because it didn’t – he realised his ageing father was dying.
I too recollect a similar incident.
I’d guess I’d have been around fourteen years old and m...
Monday 13th January 2020 6:25 pm
"YA CHEAP LOUSY FAGGOT"
I was dispirited, but not at all surprised, by the stir caused by the use of the word “faggot” in Nessa and Bryn’s rendition of “The Fairytale of New York” during “The Gavin and Stacey Christmas Special”. And equally disappointed to hear Ruth Jones and Shane MacGowan’s defensiveness towards it. I’d rather have heard them say “WYV and man up!” (Further clarification of those initials would certain...
Thursday 9th January 2020 11:59 pm
OH JEREMY
Oh Jeremy, Oh Jeremy
Pathetic were your chances;
Because of you the barmy Left
Let Boris win with daylight theft.
Your canvassers all heard it too-
They’d vote for Labour but for you;
Oh Jeremy, your legacy’s 10 more years of austerity.
Oh Jeremy, were we blind drunk
To think you had one ounce of spunk;
We must have been completely dense
To let you sit on Brexit’...
Sunday 5th January 2020 9:04 pm
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