As if any more proof were needed of the threat I pose to the existing world order, I received, by e-mail on Christmas Eve, a death threat. Honestly. No joke.

It came from The Black Shadow, a hired assassin who had been paid an “enormous sum of money” to expedite my demise. This surprised me as anyone could nudge me off my pushbike for nothing. They said that they had been following my every mov...

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(Am I the only person ever to think that the WASPI claim for pension compensation for women to reflect the
change in age entitlement was spurious? Was it wrong to be equalised with men's?  It was introduced in 1995 with subsequent amendments..  How much more notification would have been needed?  A re-post of mine from some years ago.)

She will get her pension same as me

She says she wa...

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It's one of the mantras of feminism that history was written by men. (Thinking about it, shouldn't that be “womantras”?).

Anyway, the thing is, they're right.

Prior to events being recorded in written form (one of the things that defines “history”) which would have been around 5000 years ago, events, stories and traditions were passed on orally – a concept we might differentiate from “histor...

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The torture and the tyranny at last are overthrown

The hopes and flags of freedom from Aleppo now are flown

But tearing down is easy whilst rebuilding - who can tell?

So scepticism gnaws at me - I fear it won't end well.

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(An inferior homage to the original of that master wordsmith, Benny Hill)

The crocus and the hostas raise your mother’s memory

I recall the vile old crow cos she looked like a hoss to me

The cowslips bring back memories where they’re planted in the grass

The daft bat fell there; I said “That fat cow’s slipped on her arse”

We’d hide behind the cedar when I’d see’d her look for m...

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(Everyone should visit Auschwitz)

Hana Reiner, who were you?

German, Czech or Polish Jew?

Did promises of better lives

Become no more than cattle drives?

Pointed left or pointed right,

Did you cry both day and night?

Did your mother bring you there?

Did they shave your head of hair?

Did you wither with the cold?

Did they pull your teeth fit gold?

Had your shor...

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There's death in Gaza and Beirut

There's death across Ukraine

There's hunger and there's homelessness

The world is full of pain

A madman in the White House

A button at his thumb

Another in the Kremlin

To bring us Kingdom Come

The Polar ice is melting

And so I must confess

About what some bald bloke has said

I can't care fucking less.

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'Twas in the village scout hut that she first made her debut

Proudly showing off her ticket – Yellow 482;

She chatted quite excitedly beside a Gordon's Gin

But they soon left then followed by a Crawford's Shortbread tin;

Then Head and Shoulders, Action Man and toddler's xylophone

So sadly Yellow 482 was left there on her own;

“You'd better take that crap one” a mum yelled to her ...

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These are all those foreigners

For whom their dual goal

Is both to take our jobs from us

While living on the dole.

And at the forefront of all this

The Daily Mail notes

Are those who risk their lives for this

Their war cry “Stop the Boats!”

But what they never publish

Which gets far less acclaim

Official figures for this year

Show 30,000 came.

Yet...

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Increasingly these days I find myself thinking back to cinematic images of vainglory from my younger years. It brings it home to me just how distant and lost these are when I try to cross a busy road. When once I would lope across like a panther these days I more resemble a Bobby Shafto with cerebral palsy - the object of fellow pedestrians calling out to me, “You stupid old twat”. So memories ten...

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We voted in our millions – our democratic say;

The Tories were defeated; we blew Rees Mogg away;

But once we'd taken office we very quickly found

They'd hidden a black hole from us of £20b.

It needed rectifying come what may

But it ain't me, babe

No, no, no, it ain't me, babe

It ain't me what's gonna pay.

The deficit wants funding – on that we all agreed

We cannot g...

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(It might have been Cocaine for Eric Clapton and JJ Cale but it's an altogether different story for me)

If you're living on beans the consequence means

Methane

And likewise no doubt are boiled brussel sprouts

For Methane

You'll soon lose your chums with what comes from your bum

Methane

So, quick! Blame the dog; then it's off to the bog

Methane

Know well, t...

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No pressure

not long enough

can't see it

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Faisal was a barber

He worked at Turkish Joe's

He'd snip off your unwanted hair

From places where it growed

He was the Yorkshire Champion

He specialised in “Nose”.

He beat the best in Barnsley

And Gary Grant from Goole

And Scissors Spike from Heckmondwike

Whose towels were judged too cool

Then Razor Ron from Rotherham

Reputed to be cruel.

His prize was...

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Wojtek was a private

But Wojtek was much more

And at Monte Cassino

Wojtek went to war;

He carried ammunition

The Germans were in awe

Of Wojtek who was legend in

The Polish 2nd Corps;

Wojtek liked his cigarettes

And Wojtek liked a beer

He wrestled and he danced with

Colleagues Wojtek loved so dear;

And when the war was over

To Edinburgh he came

He died in 1...

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(I cannot take any credit/blame for the brilliant title which I have heard elsewhere before.  Also apologies for the problems i seem to be having getting the guitar accompaniment to record properly.)

Hey, Mr Tangerine Man

Back once more I see

Master of the land from Florida right up to Maine

And hey, Mr Tangerine Man

Scourge of refugees

With your second chance to Make the US...

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(Apologies for the poor sound quality of the guitar accompaniment leaving my singing even more exposed)

So here's to you, Tommy Robinson

Prison holds a place for you today

Hey hey hey.

Enjoy yourself Tommy Robinson

Locked up 18 months; enjoy your stay.

Hey hey hey.

Now it's come home Tommy Robinson

Hounding refugees was just good sport

It's good to know Tommy R...

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We need to find more money

On that we all agree;

But as to how to raise it

We all agree “Not Me!”.

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To prevent you causing trouble these guidelines I will set

Which you should follow faithfully – your toilet etiquette.

It's always a conundrum that you'll have seen first hand

At which of the urinals you should opt to stand;

Take this formation if you will – there's four urinal loos,

A bloke is stood at Number 1, so which one should you choose?

The obvious one is Number 4 to give...

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In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

All roads lead to death

Treblinka, Sobibor, Dachau

In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

Jehovah will not help you now

We took our last sweet breath

In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

All roads lead to death.

In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

By bullet and by gas

Or by starvation this was how

In Auschwitz and in Birkenau

The whole wide world would ...

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(Prompted by yesterday's flight home from Malaga)

Flying home from Sicily

I found myself booked in Seat B

You've guessed – the middle one of three

Between The Two Fat Slags;

Once seated I could quickly tell

Their scent was not Coco Chanel

But rather a more acrid smell

Of armpits, beer and fags.

It seemed from how these girls would speak

They'd been away...

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As Milton rages death and destruction

half a world away

a butterfly with a broken wing

falls to earth

never to fly again

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There’s no more boring chore in life

Than to wait behind your wife

While she’s looking for a handbag or a dress

Our Gert had thought I’d lost her

But I’d slipped away to Costa

For a coffee while she shopped at M & S.

Since they use a stronger bean

Their Flat White always seems

A tasty and invigorating brew

To be sure to get a seat

To enjoy this leisured treat

...

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Let me put this out there straight away.  Freddie Tyas was called “Spaz”.  I can’t help that.  He was.

I’m talking here about my schooldays in the 60’s.  If you’ve seen any of those TV programmes like “It Was Alright in the 80’s” you’ll understand that it was alright in the 80’s.  Twenty years earlier in the 60’s it was even more “alright”.  We were closer to World War 1 than the 60’s are to us...

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We made our way to bed one night

I pulled down all the blinds

We kissed by filtered moonlight

Passion in our minds.

My wife broke from our close embrace

“I won’t be long.  Don’t go”

And headed for the bathroom door

Then cruelly stubbed her toe.

She cried in pain and anguish

Which turned to plaintive sob

Her toe turned black in anger

Continuing to throb.

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(A re-post of an earlier one from 2020 - 4 years ahead of its time)

What a nonsense this is; that someone as rich as Croesus like me should be eligible.  The reason is because it’s a universal payment, the only qualifications being that you are over state pension age and lived in the UK for at least one day in the last week of September.

You don’t even need to be alive. My dad qualified...

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I watched my MaTb and OTeU starve

Wishing they were dead

I loved them both with all my heart

But needed more their bread.

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I’ve got it!  The solution to the above.

The situation has become exacerbated by the glut of brainless protesters and anti-protest protesters who are being pushed through the courts to administer swift deterrence (as opposed to punishment).  The government’s remedy is to let out of prison other “bad lads” in order to make room.

The obvious solution, however, albeit a nettle feared to be gras...

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The chant of Eng-er-land football fans whenever we play Germany.  In stark contrast in intellect  when Germany won the final of the European Championship in 1996, their fans were singing,

“It’s coming home

It’s coming home

It’s coming

Football’s coming home”

In English.

But it is telling that a brand of Englishman takes credit for winning the Second World War, despite the fact th...

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(A poem I wrote for the kids and their grandad)

If Grandad should come round to our house sometime

For lunch or for dinner or tea

He’ll tell us he’s not a big eater these days

“Don’t serve up too much for me”.

He likes a red wine before his repas

It serves as aperitif

And anyway these days he can’t chew so well

Not with his NHS teeth.

In time we’ll sit dow...

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We'd been to Designer Outlet

A day full of dull misery

I’d sampled a few cups of coffee

Which meant that I needed a pee.

I nipped to the public convenience

And read all the ads on the wall

Avoiding the one on Viagra

(A bloke was in the next stall).

But then as I left the urinals

I heard from the Ladies next door

The sound of a Dyson Airblade

Making its motorised ro...

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My heart was stronger than a Sulzer pump

It beat a steady 60bpm – thump thump thump

It’s seen me through rugby and marathons too

Those days when my ticker was nearly brand new.

These days I’m fitted with a Pacemaker

I had a problem that I never knew

Now the Old Ticker just needs a quick kick up the backside,

It’s gone askew;

That’s why I have to have a Pacemaker

I’m...

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I’m sure that those of you who’ve been paying attention to my magnum opuseses will recollect a piece I posted some little while ago from my time in the mining industry and, specifically, about some of the characters it threw up.  The malapropping Osbert Hartley and Alec Simmons, of whom it was said that “he’d fuck an old bayonet wound”.  This piece, though, is about another of these real-life cart...

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While walking down the High Street

I wondered “Where’d they go?”

I looked for Rediffusion

But find it, could I?  No!.

Before the time of mobile phones

If you’d want to know

The football scores at 5 o’clock

That was where you’d go.

Now where I once watched hoping

And praying Spurs won’t lose

It’s now a beauty parlour

Where you can get tattoos.

It d...

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We thought we’d show they’re not welcome

So me and my mates and some Nazi scum

“Send them back to where they come from”

I fought the law but the law won.

I fought the law but the law won.

We set some wheelie bins alight

“Yorkshire! Yorkshire!”; find a fight

Falling for what Twitter spun

Ignorant or just plain dumb.

I fought the law but the law won.

I fought the l...

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Many of my worldwide fans will be aware that I ended my gainful employment some few years ago as verger at Selby Abbey. I thought it would be a good idea to try to atone for a lifetime's indiscretions.  Indeed I did this so successfully that I now sit one rung down from the fucking angels.

This is a poem about me and a friend of mine (actually he was the best man at our wedding) who has become ...

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These days I find it hard to catch

A lady’s eye (more so her snatch)

Until I found this secret ploy

I’ve started wearing corduroy;

Cos when they’ve reached a certain age

They can’t resist it brown or beige;

And, better still, their heartbeat races

If they’re held up by some braces.

This rarely fails but if it does

Fret ye not nor make a fuss

Cos deadly for a silv...

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In this house was Coopey born

This plaque says now he’s dead and gorn

For England 50 goals he claimed

Combined with those of Harry Kane

As Alan Turing in disguise

He also won the Nobel Prize

He made him look a sluggish dolt

When he raced that Usain Bolt

Amongst the literati too

Comparators were precious few

As general it’s Britain’s loss

He wore till death his pro...

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(I was prompted to post this from my Greatest Hits back catalogue because I saw on Bangers and Cash that one of these "land crabs" as they were known fetched £7000 at auction)

Yer Morris 1800 motor car

Was not designed to travel very far;

It was the first one that I bought

And, sensibly, you might have thought

For ninety quid that I’d been caught

With “MUG” across my head.

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I remember my grandad telling me when I was little (about 3’ 6”, I’d guess) that, for a 21st birthday present for my grandma, he paid for her to have all her teeth out and dentures fitted.  Apparently, that wasn’t uncommon in those days.

For one thing, it avoided a lifetime contending with rotting teeth and toothache.  (I suspect lead toothpaste tubes might have played a part).  But also, this ...

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Once you stood up there And you didn’t have a care

Knowing that the outcome’s in the bag;

This time though to your cost You discovered that you lost

Sticking in your craw to make you gag.

Taken down, Lizzie Truss, You’ve been taken down

Where’s your hubris now and where’s your crown?

So we will send you dead flowers now you’re leaving

Lamenting once your star so briefly s...

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(Some of you older gits might remember Tennessee Ernie Ford's copy of my original he entitled "Sixteen Tons")

Some people say a man is made out of mud

A poor   man’s made out of muscle and blood

Muscle and blood and skin and bone

A mind that’s weak and a back that’s strong.

But this man’s not made out of muscle and bones

Too many chips and beers and cream scones

Too ...

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It’s one of the least edifying episodes in Hungarian history.  The country likes to look back on the heroism of the ’56 Uprising against Russian vassalage, but I discovered on a recent Danube cruise a reminder of a more shameful image of its past.

I was unaware of the “Budapest Shoes” until our visit there.  These are iron sculptures of 60-odd pairs of shoes near the Parliament building by the ...

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(A rare love poem from Yours Truly)

I got Sunblest for my snap today

But if I protest I get it anyway

I hear you say

“Who is it treats me this way?”

Our Gert

I’m talking about Our Gert.

I like to see the sights when I’m on holiday

But she drags me round M&S and C&A.

I like to watch on TV Tottenham Hotspur play

But it’s “Friends” instead and not “Match ...

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I read recently on the BBC News website a story about a former Oxford student who was surprised to find that he was roomed next door to the Crown Prince of Japan, now Emperor Naruhito.  It took my eye because I too was at University with royalty – namely Rodney Sempa (Anglicised name) the nephew of the previously deposed King of Uganda, who, although he was known as King Freddie, his full Sunday n...

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The odd defeat of England or a victory abroad

Constitute the rare times when the Lion Rampant roared.

They suffer renewed expectation as the game unfolds

Ignoring the same narrative that many time’s been told

A glass of Scotch half empty though is always full of Hope

But falling in the same trap twice is known as rope-a-dope

Then fervour breeds hysteria if Scotland first sho...

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(Prepare to be disappointed again)

A professor of medicine from Chile

Is conducting research you'd think silly

His study comprises

Comparing the sizes

(I can see that you've guessed) of men's willies.

It seems the good Doctor's detected

Amongst the sample selected

That phalluses fall

Into “normal” or “small”

(That's under 2 inch when erected).

But a ...

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Seven, Magnificent Seven

Mordaunt, Angela Rayner

And some others who have slipped my mind

Like What’s-Her-Name? and Who’s-His-Face?

Mordaunt, Penny Mordaunt

Rayner, Angela Rayner

And some talking heads that’s Also-Rans

Like What’s-Her-Name? and Who’s-His-Face?

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(Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink)

Those of you who have been paying attention will know that we’ve just been on a Danube cruise – our first river cruise although we’ve been on a few around the Med before Covid.  There are a number of differences which I shan’t bore you with now (if I haven’t already) but there is one interesting similarity – toilet protocol.

On both types...

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(It was Our Gert's birthday yesterday as we came home from a Danube Cruise.  I wrote this in her card)

I’m sitting now upon this bog

Completing here the Captain’s log

With all my might I push and shove

With all my heart I write with love

“I hope you’ve liked this Danube cruise

I hope you’ve drunk enough free booze

I know you ate enough free food

So Happy Birthday ...

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Who do you think you are kidding Mr Starmer

If you think old Rishi’s done?

We are the boys who smashed down your North Red Wall

We are the boys who will bring about your fall;

So who do you think you are kidding Mr Starmer

If you think the voting’s won?

We don’t care about Lib Dems cos they will not perform

The Nationalists are shafted; we don’t care about Reform.

Who ...

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I read recently that the children’s classic “Huckleberry Finn” had been removed from many school libraries on the basis that it is considered racist.  It’s been years since I read it (Tom Sawyer too) so my memory is not sharp on this; but I am prepared to concede that it is racist if I am told so.

And a good thing too – not the racism but the banning.  I see it as one more footstep towards our ...

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(A poem I could have written every year since 1961)

No question we will win the League next year

And he who doubts can only be a fool

For Tottenham Hotspur l’heure de gloire is near.

You other teams might scoff and gloat and jeer

That Spurs have dined so long on football gruel

But there’s no doubt we’ll win the League next year

Just mark my words – it’s time to ...

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It’s been a source of huge regret

That’s always bothered me

I never had a girlfriend with

An Eddie Tupper “V”.

I’ve loved girls who had long dark hair

And cocker spaniel eyes

But never dated anyone

With Eddie Tupper thighs.

I’ve loved girls who were graduates

Intelligent and wise

I’d swop that in a heartbeat though

For Eddie Tupper thighs.

And fac...

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You might think it specialised in Stetson hats

But no! it caters for blokes with huge stats

Though they don’t call the website “Lardarses and Fats”

For fear of offending them slightly

It goes by the name “High and Mighty”.

Its clientele all have an oversized girth

From shovelling chips in for all that they’re are worth

“Genetic” they’ll say, “I’ve been big from birth...

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Our Gert allus moans

At all of my poems

She says as the all sound the same;

Just tum-titty-tum

And tum-titty-tum

And tum-titty-tum again.

When she complains

I try to explain

I’m finding my feet as a bard;

But she says as my verse

Is getting much worse;

So I’m finding it ever so hard.

She says what I need

Is I ought to read

The Masters down liter...

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This homage is to Spring Café

(On Mondays sadly closed all day);

I seldom ever fail to stop

To call in at the Charity Shop

A welcome waits both warm and safe

For Charity’s in the Christian faith;

Among the diverse things they sell

Of course there’s clothes and books as well.

But at the bottom tucked away

You’ll find this wonderful café

It’s been here fo...

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I saw it on the telly and I thought it looked like fun

Our Gert, though, wasn’t sure – she’s got the sex drive of a nun;

“Oh no! this really isn’t me” she said with coy reserve

But “Bugger that!” I thought “This is a treat that I deserve”.

I took her swinging

Our first time swinging

Which started with us innocently mingling;

But it wasn’t long before

She had got beyond the ...

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Before my dad shook a six the month before his 90th birthday, he told us about his encounter with The Nob Nurse.  (Obviously, he didn’t tell us after!).

In his final years he was moved a fair few times from one nursing home to the next.  In part this was to get him closer to the family support of myself and (primarily) my sister; but in part also because he was a cantankerous old bastard and th...

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(And now for some literary high-brow.  Do try to keep up)

I bought my friend a tortoise

The best the shop could sell

He wondered what to name her

And settled on Michelle.

I have a Spanish girlfriend

For looks no one could beat her

She’s only got one front tooth

I call her my Juanita.

Oh,my! What a rotten song

What a rotten song

What a rotten song

Oh,my...

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If it takes longer

To cook than to eat, then it’s

Not worth the bother.

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(I was inspired by Trevor Alexander's excellent villanelle explaining the form to write in this song why I dislike it so much)

 I swore I’d never write a villanelle

A complex form which fails to satisfy

But mostly awkward on the ears as well.

The 2nd line deceitfully foretells

A further line to rhyme along with “I”

But bugger me! Not in a villanelle.

Yet still t...

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(This is a Poem by my friend and former contributor, Larisa Rzhepishevska of Odessa, Ukraine, who wanted to post this on the occasion of the passing of her friend, Dave Dunn (also, I recollect a former contributor on here) but was unable to access her account to do so. I was more than happy to post her poem on my page).

I can’t look at this world anymore

It looks different from what it ...

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(In response to Greg Freeman's call-out for villanelles, I re-post this effort of mine from 2014.  It tells of the cardinal sin a raw recruit would only ever make once when he entered a hand-filled coal face for the first time)

“There’s no bigger, silly bastard undergroun’

A disgrace to thee, ‘is mam an’ ‘is class

‘E took ‘is fuckin’ shovel wrong road roun’.

We’d walked back ...

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(There's a bit of skipping on the audio towards the end; not enough to detract from my dark brown tones)

Castleford’s Alfie is one of a kind

A more affable Alf it’d be hard to find

But Alfie won’t hold back from speaking his mind

That “kennel life is such a drag, mate”

Says Alfie the Property Magnate.

Of course he’s the owner of his detached home

Which didn’t need Al...

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(A re-post from when I wrote this about old people.  These days it could be me)

There’s a lady out there

And she can’t climb the stairs

At her bedtime which is

Half past seven;

She was lured was Aunt Hannah

By the junkmail from Stanner

Into buying their Stairlift

To Heaven.

But she found it so slow

When she needed to go -

Half an hour on the Stairlift

...

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I read now and then in the papers

In articles, posts and reports

Concerning the claims of trans people

Accessing elite womens’ sports.

Now don’t get me wrong at the outset

As I’m sure that my worldwide fans

Will vouch for my liberal credentials

I’ve nothing against someone trans.

Though I can’t claim to be any expert

As I’m sure that none of you can

But you don’t ofte...

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(Actually, fellas, get yersens tested!)

Got to bed around half past 10

Tossed and turned for an hour and then

Lord, lord, it can’t have been the booze;

I’d not had a drink since half past three

Nonetheless I still needed a pee

Lord, lord, I got Enlarged Prostate Blues.

Back to bed till a quarter to 2

Then, bugger me! I’m gonna need the loo

Lord, lord, I got Enl...

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It won’t have escaped the notice of those of you predisposed to commemorate such things that on March 8th it was International Women’s Day.  What you may not be aware of is that according to the website “National Day Calendar” IWD is one of 47 (yes, 47!) other World/International Days in March.

If you are so inclined you can participate in and celebrate (among others) :-

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Some 20-odd years ago I was having my eyes tested when the optician asked me,

“Do you have any trouble reading newsprint with your glasses on?”

“None at all” I told her.

She gave me a card with tiny writing on and I rattled through it quicksticks.

“Why do you ask?” I said.

“Because you will do soon.  I can see some deterioration in the muscles controlling…..” blah–di-blah-di-blah… (...

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(If Burns had been around today he might have written this instead)

My luve is lyke a red, red poppie coursing through my veines

It leads me to a better worlde by dullinge my life’s pains.

Your poppie stands for sacrifice, for blude on Flanders fielde

My poppies for oblivionne, from pain from whiche I shield.

It populates grasse verges of my sorrowes twisting laynes

My luve ...

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(It seems to be my lot in life to improve on the works of lesser poets than myself - in this case that loada bollocks by William Webb Ellis. A shameless repost from 2013)

I’m being followed by a wheelbarrow

Wheelbarrow, wheelbarrow.

Pulling my chickens in a wheelbarrow,

Wheelbarrow, wheelbarrow.

And if tha wond’rin’ “Is it red?”

Please thissen. I’ve not said.

And if ...

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(I found this old poem among my "back catalogue".  I don't think I've posted it before)

We slew the aurochs and the bear

The tiger skulking in his lair;

We cooked with fire and red hot stones

And sucked the fat from out the bones;

We worshipped gods of earth and sea

Of moon and sun, of hill and tree;

We made our offerings to each god

Of human heads and hearts and ...

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(I have just been fitted with hearing aids - a double-edged sword if ever there was one!)

Said the audiologist

“Do you hear what I hear?

Which conversations do you miss?

Do you hear what I hear?

Try to use this tiny little bug

And stuff it here in your lug;

Does clear stuff come now through the fug?”

“Whoa” I said “no need to shout,

I can hear what you hear;

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The terrors that mens’ prostates hold

Are troublesome and many fold

Retention, Urgency, Weak Stream

You grey-haired blokes know what these mean

But I shall concentrate upon

From all these aspects just on one

You’ve seen it takes us old blokes longer

To take a wazz than when we’re younger

Which is why to take a piss

We now no longer stand like this

But like the ladies...

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Not gonna raise a fuss, I'm not gonna blow a hoolie

Though other fans would like with a kick in the goolies

We know in our bones we’re gonna give the game away

That’s what it’s like to be a Spur – that’s just the price you pay;

We might be winning 1-0 but we know we’re gonna lose

But there ain’t no cure for the Extra-Time Blues.

For all Spurs supporters this outcome will alw...

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(There is a little skipping on the audio but it does not detract too much from my velvet tones)

For those of you under the age of 50 some explanation might be needed – probably on a number of levels.

First of all, “3d” was thre’pence under “old” money.

Second, the “d” stood for denarii – a valuable legacy of Roman coinage.

Third, and perhaps most important, you’ll need an understa...

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(Played appallingly on my home-made 3-string cigar box guitar)

Don’t donate blood anymore

Did it 50 times before

Now they’ve shown me to the door

Once this cut me to the core

Don’t donate blood anymore.

No more pin-holes in my arm

No more bruising, no more harm

No more causes for alarm

Not a quaver nor a qualm

This has worked out like a charm.

Yes, I...

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(Fellow Old Gits might recall the 60's hit, "Zabadak" by Dave Dee, Dozy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Sneezy and Tich)

Caramac!  (Caramac!)

That’s your lot now you’ve had your whack

Caramac!  (Caramac!)

You’re not coming back.

Caramac!  (Caramac!)

Just remembered by anoraks

Caramac!  (Caramac!)

Iconic as our Union Jack.

In its hey-day Made by Nestle

By the millions ...

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(Inspired by watching a couple of evangelists in Beverley town centre)

He prowls the city’s precincts calling out into the void

His heart is filled with righteous wrath, demeanour underjoyed

Damning passers-by to Hell, his heart and soul employed

By the Church of the Hectoring Zealot.

In Ulster’s Ian Paisley you had thought you’d seen it all

For genuflecting he’d h...

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(Sad to see the old gimmer taken into hospital but a timely opportunity to revisit this post of 2014, when Hodgson’s England were drawn in the same group as tournament favourites Italy and Uruguay.

Hoping for our games in Rio so that we won’t have to fly

Hoping for a group of minnows so that we might qualify

Greece, Algeria

We needn’t fear ya

Anyone else and it’s “Goodbye”;

...

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(I have just had a heart pacemaker fitted.  Invited in, operated on and discharged inside 24 hours)

It marked walkers passing for seventy years

But been a bit stiff as of late;

For once it swung free

And closed easily

But now it’s an old creaking gate.

But Time can regenerate Glory again

By dint of the old craftsman’s care;

With tools of his trade

His miracles ...

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It’s an increasing sign of my decrepitudity that on occasions recently, one before Christmas and one after, I have fainted after having ridden my bike into Wakefield.  On both occasions someone sent for an ambulance and on the second I was carted off to Pinderfields Hospital for tests.

The experience demonstrated to me, as if any proof were needed, the value of our NHS.  Had this been in Ameri...

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(A re-post of some years ago to co-incide with the screening of The Winter King on TV.  The narrative in the poem is closer to Bernard Cornwell's novel than to the TV version.)

As Briton fights Briton the Saxon awaits

And readies himself at Lloegyr’s gates,

Gorfyddyd of Powys consults with the Fates,

Siluria’s Gundleus too.

Outnumbered we hurried round hill and through dale

...

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We have a standard bay tree now

That’s in our garden where it grows;

Our Gert puts leaves into her soups

But what it tastes like no-one knows.

In every book of recipes

For every dish in it goes

In curries, stews or Bolognese

But what it tastes like no-one knows.

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(A plaintive moan from the time when my wife decided the perfectly good kitchen needed re-fitting and the bleeding of my income into the bank balances of the electricians)

A recent experience made my mouth foam

When battalions of tradesmen invaded my home.

Brickies and plumbers and plasterers too

I dutifully paid up to each one his due.

But the hardest to take and worst to evad...

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(I wrote this before Christmas but thought I'd wait to post it until the next mass shooting.  I haven't had to wait long.  Though this time in Joliet it was not 8 schoolchildren)

I was 5 and she was 6

He shot the two of us for kicks

Who knows what went on in his head

But 24 of us are dead.

Bang Bang  He shot us down

Bang Bang We hit the ground

Bang Bang That awful so...

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It’s with a gloating satisfaction I see Fujitsu getting dragged ever closer into the Post Office Counters debacle.  And this is for entirely personal reasons.

Around 25 years ago I worked as manager of a contract providing outplacement and careers transition advice to its 600 employees made redundant at its semiconductor plant at Newton Aycliffe.  It was extremely high profile sitting slap bang...

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There’s people so famous you’d only need say

Their initials to know them, such as "JFK"

All boomers will know "Hey! Hey! LBJ!"

As older folks will "FDR";

But passed now's another great star.

The role of the full back was always the same

To catch, kick for touch and restart the game

That was up until John Williams came

Though the world knew him better by far

As the l...

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One of the many unwelcome facets of my enlarged prostate, along with what the medical profession euphemistically calls “weak stream”, “retention”, “urgency” and “hesitancy”, is the embarrassing feature that I can’t piss straight.

Obviously, I piss broadly forwards but “forwards” ranges mathematically from 10 to 170 deg, or geographically from ENE to WNW.  Consequently when I am at home or at ot...

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Worldwide fans of mine will be aware of the low regard I have for gender self-identification.  It strikes me that in 5 year’s time or so we’ll all be saying, “What the hell were we thinking?” and those who chose to identify themselves as “he” or “she” or “they” as opposed to their birth sex will own a hidden guilt normally reserved for fans of Donny Osmond.

But lately I have come to temper my v...

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In ze Blue Angel on a barstool sat

I recognise your voice; it’s always flat

Viz fishnet stockings astride zat stool

Vorks vonders for my Teutonic tool

Give me a peek, mein leibchen

Of yours, Lili Marlene.

Sauerkraut und Einstein, Fokker, Messerschmidtt

Angela Merkel, I fancy her a bit

Ost vas once crap, vhile vest was best

Viz Bierkellars, Oktoberfest

Let’s drink...

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They pamper to our idleness and do what we once did

But you’d not get your sponge out now to earn their seven quid;

Through summer, winter, snow and rain they pocket what they can

The car wash boys with red-raw hands that come from Kurdistan.

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